Weddings and Engagements during Three Weeks

This Halacha is an excerpt from our Sefer

Buy me here or on Amazon.com

Engagements and weddings:[1]

Wedding:[2] One may not get married throughout the three weeks.[3] This applies even if one is childless or is single and has small children from a previous marriage.[4] This applies even if the wedding feast will not be celebrated at this time, and will take place at a later date.[5] [From the 17th of Tammuz until Rosh Chodesh Av this prohibition is due to custom, while from Rosh Chodesh Av until Tisha B’av this prohibition is from the letter of the law.[6]]

Engagement:[7] One may date [Shidduchim] and become engaged throughout the three weeks, even on Tisha B’av itself.[8] One may hold an engagement party [Lechaim] with a festive meal up until Rosh Chodesh Av. However, after Rosh Chodesh Av, until Tisha B’av, one may not hold a celebratory meal in honor of the engagement.[9] This applies even on Shabbos.[10] However, one may have an engagement party without a meal [just sweets] even after Rosh Chodesh.[11] It is forbidden to dance during the party.[12]

 

Q&A

May one have a wedding on the 16th and have the meal on the 17th?

Some Poskim[13] allow in a time of need to wed on the day of the 16th and have the meal at night on the 17th.

 

May one remarry his divorcee during the three weeks?

Some Poskim[14] lean to permit doing so. However, other Poskim[15] rule it is not to be done due to it being a time of bad Mazal.

 

May an Ashkenazi attend a wedding of a Sephardic that is taking place between the 17th of Tammuz and Rosh Chodesh?[16]

Some Poskim[17] rule one may not attend a wedding that is taking place during one’s accustomed mourning period. Other Poskim[18] rule it is permitted for one to participate in the wedding.[19] Others[20] rule that one may attend for the Chuppah, however he must leave prior to the meal and dancing.

 

If a Sephardi is marrying an Ashkenazi, may the wedding take place prior to the nine days?[21]

The wedding is not to take place anytime during the three weeks.

___________________________________

[1] 551:2

[2] Michaber 551:2 and Yevamos 43b regarding from Rosh Chodesh Av; Rama ibid that custom is to be stringent from 17th of Tammuz and so rules: Kneses Hagedola 551:5; Yifei Laleiv 5:3; Ben Ish Chaiy Devarim 4; M”B 551:15; See Kaf Hachaim 551:44

Ruling of Michaber and Sefaradim: The Michaber 551:2 rules that the wedding prohibition only begins on Rosh Chodesh Menachem Av. Nevertheless, some Poskim rule the Sefaradi custom is not to marry during the three weeks. [Kneses Hagedola 551:5; Yifei Laleiv 5:3; Ben Ish Chaiy Devarim 4; Kaf Hachaim 551:44] Other Poskim rule Sefaradim may marry until Rosh Chodesh Av. [Yabia Omer 6:43; Yechaveh Daas 1:36; Chazon Ovadia Bein Hametzarim p. 140]

[3] The reason: As getting married brings extreme joy. [M”A 551:9] In addition, getting married at this time is a bad omen. [Siddur Yaavetz; Moed Lekol Chaiy 9:26; Yifei Laleiv 2:4; Chayeh Adam 133:11; Kaf Hachaim 551:33; 43]

[4] Shvus Yaakov 2:35; Shulchan Gavoa 551:9; Chayeh Adam 133:11; Derech Hachaim 1; M”B 551:18; Kaf Hachaim 551:33 and 42; So rule regarding Sefira: Admur 493:3; Peri Chadash 493:1; Bach 493; Chok Yaakov 493:1

Ruling of Admur and Poskim ibid regarding Sefira: In these countries the custom is to not marry even if one has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of having children or does not have anyone to attend to his needs. Nevertheless, from the letter of the law, one who does not have children, or has children but has no one to attend to his needs, is allowed to marry during these days. This is derived from the fact that even during mourning for one’s parents in which it is a decree of the Sages not to marry, nevertheless if one is in the above-mentioned situation he may do so. Thus, certainly during Sefira which is only a custom of mourning it is allowed. Nevertheless, as stated above, the custom in these countries is to be stringent even in such a case. [Admur 493:3 regarding Sefira; Peri Chadash 493:1; Bach 493; Chok Yaakov 493:1; Shvus Yaakov 2:35Chayeh Adam 133:11; Kaf Hachaim 551:33]

[5] M”A 551:9; Levush; Kaf Hachaim 551:34

[6] See Michaber and Rama ibid

[7] Michaber ibid; M”A 551:10; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 122:1

Other customs: Some are accustomed not to even date or get engaged during the three weeks. [Kneses Hagedola 551:5; Yifei Laleiv 5:3] Others are accustomed not to date or get engaged during the nine days. [Ben Ish Chaiy Devarim 4 that so is custom of Bagdad]

[8] The reason: As although this also brings great joy, there is fear that someone else may meet her in the interim. [Michaber ibid; See Admur 493:1 regarding Sefira; Michaber 493:1] From here we see that Divine decree does not enforce that a person always marry his true Zivug Rishon [i.e. other half]. The divine decree motivates such a union and promotes it. However, to assure its occurrence it is also dependent upon the effort of the man. [Igros Kodesh 2:193] The above applies even by actual engagement:Kedushin, however simply by Shidduchim, which is our engagement of today, it is anyways allowed as it does not bring so much joy. [Yad Efraim 551]

[9] Michaber 551:2; M”A 551:10; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 122:1

One who does not have children: From the letter of the law, one who does not have children may hold even a celebratory feast. However, the custom is not to do so. [Ateres Zekeinim 551; Bach]

[10] M”A 551:10; Elya Raba 551:6; P”M 551 A”A 10; Chayeh Adam 133:11; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 122:1; M”B 551:16; Kaf Hachaim 551:38

[11] M”A 551:10; Elya Raba 551:6; P”M 551 A”A 10; Chayeh Adam 133:11; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 122:1; M”B 551:16; Kaf Hachaim 551:38

[12] M”A 551:10; Admur 493:1 regarding Sefira; Elya Raba 551:6; P”M 551 A”A 10; M”B 551:16; Kaf Hachaim 551:39

[13] Igros Moshe 1:168; 4:112; Even Haezer 1:166; See Shearim Hametzuyanim 122:1

[14] P”M 551 A”A 9; M”B 551:15

[15] Moed Lekol Chaiy 9:26; Kaf Hachaim 551:34

[16] Piskeiy Teshuvos 493:13 regarding Sefiras Haomer and the same would apply here regarding the period until the nine days

[17] Chasam Sofer 142; Tosefes Chaim 131:14

[18] Igros Moshe 1:159; Rav Ovadia Yosef

[19] The reason: This is allowed being that since the Baal Hasimcha is allowed to make the wedding, one’s own attendance is also considered a Dvar Mitzvah. This can be proven from the fact that we allow Sheva Brachos to take place after Lag Baomer for those weddings that took place on Lag Baomer. [ibid]

[20] Minchas Yitzchak 4:84; Shraga Hameir 6:91; Koveitz Mibeis Levi in name of Rav Wozner

[21] See Minchas Yitzchak 4:84 regarding Sefiras Haomer and the same would apply here regarding the period until the nine days

Was this article helpful?

Related Articles

Leave A Comment?