This article is an excerpt from our Sefer
1. The Mitzvah of Onah – The obligation of the couple to engage in intimacy:[1]
A. The Husband’s obligation:[2]
Every husband is Biblically[3] obligated to have marital relations with his wife, in accordance with the frequency that he is capable of, based on his profession, as explained in Halacha 2.[4] This obligation of the husband towards his wife is known as Onah. One must beware not to nullify the Onah in order to not transgress the negative Biblical commandment of “Onasah Lo Yigara.” [The purpose of this Mitzvah is to give pleasure to the wife and satiate the wife’s physical and emotional needs of longing which she has for her husband. It is part of the secured rights that a Jewish woman has in marriage.[5] This obligation is independent of the Mitzvah to have children and hence applies even if the wife is pregnant or is old or barren and unable to bear children.[6]] In addition, one who has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu is also independently Biblically obligated to have intercourse in order that his wife should conceive and he fulfill the Mitzvah of having children.[7] Furthermore, even if one has already had children and fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, Rabbinically, he remains obligated in the Mitzvah of L’areiv, to further populate the world.[8] One who refuses to be intimate with his wife can be forced by the Beis Din to divorce her and pay for her Kesuba.[9] The frequency of a husband’s obligation will be elaborated on in Halacha 2.
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Q&A Does one fulfill his Onah obligations if he does not perform intercourse but appeases his wife through hugging, kissing and the like? This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 2 article on our website through a passcode Does one fulfill Onah if he performs mere He’arah?[10] This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 2 article on our website through a passcode Does one fulfill Onah if he does not ejaculate?[11] This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 2 article on our website through a passcode Does one fulfill Onah if he performs non-vaginal intercourse or Derech Eivarim? This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 2 article on our website through a passcode Does one fulfill Onah if his wife does not reach a climax? This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 2 article on our website through a passcode Does one fulfill the Mitzvah of Onah if he has intercourse for his own pleasure and does not care to appease his wife beforehand or during the intercourse?[12] No. The Mitzvah of Onah is only fulfilled if one appeases his wife beforehand by showing love and desire for her, as the purpose of this Mitzvah is to fulfill the needs and longing of the wife, specifically, for her benefit. One who has intercourse for his own animalistic pleasures and lusts, without caring to show his wife love and desire, does not fulfill the Mitzvah of her Onah, but rather fulfills his own Onah, and on the contrary, causes her to feel unloved and used like the body of an animal. Is a blessing recited prior to or post marital intercourse?[13] Although having marital relations with one’s wife fulfills the Biblical Onah obligation and helps fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, nonetheless, a blessing over the Mitzvah is not recited beforehand.[14] Likewise, although having marital relations contains a great pleasure for the husband and wife, nonetheless, a blessing of pleasure is not recited, neither before nor after the act.[15] Despite the above, the Poskim suggest the following options in order to escape the issue of benefiting from this world without a blessing, and it is proper to perform one of these options: 1. Some Poskim[16] rule that one is to intend upon reciting Asher Yatzar [after using the bathroom for the first time], after intercourse, to also include the pleasure of intimacy and thank Hashem for it. For this reason, one is to try using the bathroom after intercourse. 2. Other Poskim[17] rule that one is to intend upon reciting the blessing of Hamapil, after intercourse [prior to going to sleep], to also include the pleasure of intimacy and thank Hashem for it. 3. Others[18] state that it is proper to have a Shehakol drink prior to intercourse and intend to also include the pleasure of intercourse. 4. Others[19] state that one should thank Hashem for the pleasure in any language which he desires, either before or after the intimacy. Practical Q&A What is the husband to do if he has low libido and does not have a desire for intimacy? This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 2 article on our website through a passcode What is the husband to do if he has lost physical attraction for his wife, and thus does not have a desire for intimacy? This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 2 article on our website through a passcode
One who does not have a desire for intimacy, or suffers from erectile dysfunction: This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 2 article on our website through a passcode |
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[1] Michaber Even Ha’ezer 76:1 and 11; Mishneh Kesubos 61b
[2] Michaber Even Ha’ezer 76:1, 11 and 77:1; Admur 280:2; Taz 280:1; Levush 280:1; Tur 280; Kitzur SHU”A 150:7; Derech Pikudecha Lo Sa’asei 46:12; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:12
Does one transgress the negative command if he nullifies the Onah due to being busy and not in order to pain her? Some Poskim rule that the negative command is only transgressed if he abstains from intimacy in order to pain her or because he hates her. [Implication of Michaber 76:11 and 77:1; Beir Heiytiv E.H. 76:16 in name of Maharam Mitrani 3:131; Machaneh Chaim 2 E.H. 41] However, from other Poskim, it is implied that the prohibition is transgressed in all cases, even if he is not doing so to spite her but simply due to being busy. [See Admur 280:2; Beir Heiytiv ibid in name of Maharam Alshich 50; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240 footnote 44]
The positive command of V’sameiach Es Ishto: Some Poskim learn that in addition to the negative command of Ve’onasa Lo Sigara, there is also a positive command of V’sameiach Es Ishto. [Semak Mitzvah 285; Chareidim 7 Asei Mitzvos Hateluyos Bageviyah 8; Derech Pikudecha L.S. 46:13; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 15 footnote 8]
[3] Admur 280:2; Michaber E.H. 76:11 and 77:1; Rambam Ishus 14:7; Pela Yoeitz Onah “Onah is one of the 613 commandments”
[4] Michaber E.H. 76:1
[5] See Halacha 3A and Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha that the minimum Onah recorded in the Torah and as explained by the Sages refers to the general frequencies that a woman needs to be satisfied.; Taharas Yisrael 240:35
[6] Igros Moshe E.H. 1:102 as is learned from the verse “V’onasah Lo Yigra” which means that abstaining from intercourse is a form of torture for her
[7] See Michaber E.H. 1:1; 76:6; Beis Shmuel E.H. 1:1; Halacha 6A at length
[8] See Michaber E.H. 1:8; Beis Shmuel 1:1 and 14-15; Taz E.H. 1:1; Rambam Ishus 15:16; Yevamos 62b; See Likkutei Sichos 30:264 for a dispute if the Mitzvah is due to L’areiv or is a Rabbinical command of Peru Urevu and that according to the Rambam ibid there exists a Rabbinical obligation of Peru Urevu, and that one fulfills the Biblical Mitzvah of Peru Urevu by every additional child.
[9] Michaber Even Ha’ezer 76:13
[10] Radbaz 4:118; Beir Heiytiv 76:1; Sha’ar Hamelech Issureiy Biyah 15; Mahariy Asad 1:238; Pischeiy Teshuvah 76:1; Igros Moshe E.H. 3:28; See Ezer Mekodesh 66 who questions this; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:5 footnote 7
[11] Ezer Mikodesh 7; Rav Poalim 3:10; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:6
[12] See Michaber E.H. 25:2 that even when he is having relations for the sake of fulfilling his Onah obligations, he is not to focus on his own pleasure, but rather [he should focus on pleasuring his wife and making her feel happy and satisfied], similar to one who is paying off his “debt,” which is his Halachic obligation towards her; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha that the purpose of this Mitzvah is to fulfill the needs and longing of the wife, and for her benefit; Beir Mayim Chaim Bereishis “Vayatzar Hashem Elokim Es Hadam”; Pela Yoeitz Onah “If he intends to do so for the sake of the Mitzvah of Onah then he fulfills the Mitzvah and receives reward like for putting on Tefillin, if however he intends for his own pleasure, to satiate his animalistic desires, then he is a Naval Bereshus Hatorah”; Yesod Ha’emuna 174; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240 footnote 158
[13] See Halachos Ketanos 1:137; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya 3:11; Kaf Hachaim 240:28; Rav Poalim 3:10; Noam Elimelech Parshas Vayishlach; Piskeiy Teshuvos 216:6; 240:2 Sheyikadesh Atzmo 62:3
[14] The reason: As a) There is no positive command of Onah, and it is rather a negative command, and we do not find that a blessing is recited over any negative command. [Siddur Ya’avetz] and b) The blessing of Kiddushin which was said under the Chuppah already includes all the marital intimacy of the couple. [See Pirush Hagr’a on Mishleiy 7:14] c) As the wife may not agree to the intercourse, and hence one cannot say the blessing. [Rav Poalim 3:10] d) As one is undressed and his heart sees the Ervah, in which case saying a blessing is forbidden. One cannot say the blessing prior to undressing as until he ejaculates the Mitzvah is not fulfilled, and this is too long of a delay. [Rav Poalim 3:10] e) As the purpose of the Mitzvah is to have children, and not simply to have relations. [Halachos Ketanos ibid based on Rashba]
[15] The reason: 1) As one only recites a blessing on matters that enter the body, such as foods and spices. [Rav Poalim 3:10; See Maharsha Brachos 57b; Beir Heiytiv 216:2; M”B 216:4] 2) As intercourse involves the evil inclination, it is hence unbefitting to recite a blessing over it. [See Halachos Ketanos that majority of intimacy is done in a forbidden way; Noam Elimelech ibid; Igara D’parka 197; See also Mor Uketzia 240 and Siddur Ya’avetz] 3) As the man’s body becomes weak and frail through releasing semen. [Halachos Ketanos ibid; Rav Poalim 3:10]
[16] Halachos Ketanos 1:137; Yad Aaron on Tur 240; Chasam Sofer Niddah 51b; Kaf Hachaim 240:28
[17] Siddur Ya’avetz Seder Shechiva [however, he writes for it to be said prior to intercourse]; Likkutei Chaver Ben Chaim; Piskeiy Teshuvos 239 footnote 44
[18] Maggid Taluma [Bnei Yissaschar] Brachos 43a; Igara D’parka 197; Piskeiy Teshuvos 216:6
[19] Likkutei Maharich Seder Hilchos Tzenius in name of the Tzadik of Zitchov; Sefer Sur Meirah V’asei Tov p.11, brought in Derech Pikudecha Asei 1:6; Igara D’parka 197
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