Participating in wedding and otehr festive meals on day of Yahrzeit

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Mourning laws applicable on the day of a Yahrzeit:

A. First Yahrzeit:[1]

On the first Yahrzeit [if the year of mourning was not a leap year] the custom is to practice the laws of the year of Aveilus up until after the day of the Yahrzeit of the father or mother. This is a proper custom. [This applies even if the Yahrzeit falls out on Shabbos.[2] Thus, in a non-leap year one keeps the laws of the year of Aveilus until after the Yahrzeit. However, if the first year of mourning was a leap year, the laws of Aveilus are ceased after 12 months of mourning, which is one month prior to the Yahrzeit, and is not continued on the day of the Yahrzeit.[3]]   

B. Other years:

Wedding/festive meals:[4] Some Poskim[5] rule it is forbidden for one to participate in a [public] meal on the night [or day[6]] of the Yahrzeit of one’s father or mother.[7] [This applies even if the Yahrzeit falls out on Shabbos.[8] Thus, one may not participate in a wedding meal or other meal of Simcha, such as a Sheva Brachos[9], on the night of the Yahrzeit of a parent. One may however participate in a Seudas Reshus, or a Seudas Mitzvah that does not have Simcha, such as a Bris Milah, Pidyon Haben, Siyum Misechta, )Bar Mitzvah, and a meal of family and friends in honor of the Yahrzeit(.[10] Some Poskim[11] however limit this prohibition to only the first Yahrzeit, while by every subsequent year he may participate even by a wedding. Practically, one is to be stringent annually on the Yahrzeit[12] although in a time of need may be lenient.[13] On the night after the Yahrzeit one may participate in a Simcha according to all.[14]]

Other customs of mourning: Past the first Yahrzeit, there are no mourning customs followed other than the above custom of avoiding meals of Simcha. Regarding music-see Q&A!

 

Summary:

It is forbidden for one to participate in a [wedding] meal [or other meal of Simcha, such as a Sheva Brachos], on the night or day of the Yahrzeit of one’s father or mother. This applies even if the Yahrzeit falls out on Shabbos. One may however even initially participate in a Seudas Reshus or a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha, such as a Bris Milah, Pidyon Haben, Siyum Misechta, Bar Mitzvah, and meal of family and friends for Yahrzeit. On the night after the Yahrzeit, one may participate in a Simcha according to all.

Q&A

Do the mourning laws of a Yahrzeit apply to other relatives of the deceased?[15]

No. It only applies to the children of the deceased and not to his siblings or parents. Thus, a parent or sibling may go to a wedding on the night of the Yahrzeit of their child or sibling.

 

May one attend a wedding on the day of the Yahrzeit of his parent if he will not eat by the meal?[16]

Yes. He may attend the Chuppah and may enter the meal to wish Mazal Tov. He however is not to eat by the meal or remain while music is playing.

 

May one go to a relative’s wedding on the day of the Yahrzeit of his parent?[17]

One who is a close relative or friend of the Chasan or Kallah, and will be missed by them if he does not attend, may go to the wedding.

May one go to Sheva Brachos of a relative on the day of the Yahrzeit of his parent?[18]

One who is a close relative or friend who will be missed, may go to the Sheva Brachos.

May a Rav be Misader Kiddushin on the day of the Yahrzeit of his parent?[19]

Yes. He may also participate in the meal.

May one get married on the day of his parents Yahrzeit?

Yes.[20]

 

 

Music:[21]

One is to avoid listening to music on the day of the Yahrzeit of a parent. It is certainly forbidden to participate in a concert and the like.

Eating meat and wine:[22]

Some are accustomed to void eating meat and drinking wine on the day of the Yahrzeit.

Marital intimacy:[23]

It is permitted to engage in marital intimacy on the day of the Yahrzeit.

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[1] Rama Y.D. 395:3; Shach 402:10; Terumos Hadeshen 292; Leket Yosher p. 98

[2] So is implied from Shach 395:3 in name of Terumas Hadeshen ibid; However, see Pnei Baruch 39:22 in name of Leket Yosher and Bach that it does not apply on Shabbos Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:9 concludes based on Shut Magidos 89 that only those matters which are forbidden from the letter of the law are accustomed on Shabbos.

[3] Shach 395:3 and Taz 395:3 in name of Bach 395; See Nekudos Hakesef 395 in explanation of Bach against attack of Taz ibid; Michaber 391:2 regarding festive meals; Taz 391:1 “All Aveilus ends after 12 months even in a leap year, and those that continue the mourning customs into the 13th month have no source and are certainly doing a worthless act”; Chapter 23 Halacha 1C!

[4] Rama Y.D. 391:3 and 402:12; Shach 391:8 that so is custom and Shach 395:3 and Nekudos Hakesef 395; Taz 395:3; Leket Yosher p. 99

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule the custom is not to be careful in this matter. [Levush 391:3 and 395:20, brought in Shach 391:8 and Taz ibid; Aruch Hashulchan 391:14 that he has not seen people be careful in this today] The Shach ibid concludes that “Lo Rainu Eiyno Raayah”

[5] Hagahos Minhagim in name of Maryu

[6] Pashut, the only reason day was not mentioned in the Rama ibid is because in previous times the sons were accustomed to fast on this day. [Pnei Baruch 39:23]

[7] The reason: As since one Davens for the Amud, and says Kaddish and fasts on this day, therefore he should also practice some laws of Aveilus. [Taz 395:3 based on Terumos Hadeshen 292 regarding the first Yahrzeit]

[8] Leket Yosher p. 99; Mateh Moshe 768 in name of Maharil; So is implied from Shach 395:3 in name of Terumas Hadeshen ibid

[9] See Rama 391:3 that the law regarding a wedding applies Min Hadin to any meal in which if Hasimcha Bimiono is recited; See Taz 391:5; Shach 391:7; Aruch Hashulchan 391:14; See Nitei Gavriel 22:6 footnote 10

[10] Makom Shmuel 80, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:8; Mateh Moshe 768 in name of Maharil “Only by a Seudas Simcha such as a wedding and the like it applies and not by a Seudas Mereios”; P”M 444 M”Z 9 regarding Siyum Misechta; Sheilas Yaavetz 2:184; Chochmas Adam 171:11; Kitzur SHU”A 221:7; Shaareiy Teshuvah 568:19; So is also implied from Shach 395:3 “One may not participate in a meal of Simcha and Mishteh” and Rama 391:2 writes that only a wedding meal is defined as a Seuda of Simcha and not a Seudas Bris Mila or Pidyon haben; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 22:6 footnote 10

The reason: As even during the year of Aveilus this matter is disputed, and some Poskim rule that the entire custom of the day of the Yahrzeit only refers to a wedding meal being it is a meal of Simcha. Thus, one may certainly be lenient in this regard, especially being that by Aveilus we follow the lenient opinion.

[11] Lechem Hapanim 376 in accordance to Arizal and 391 in name of M”A; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391 in name of Lechem Hapanim in name of M”A; Aruch Hashulchan 391:14 in name of M”A; Chochmas Adam 1761 in name of Lechem Hapanim; Mishmeres Shalom Yud 8; See Beir Heiytiv 395:3; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 39 footnote 52 and Nitei Gavriel 22 footnote 2

[12] So rules the Shach and Taz ibid; Kitzur SHU”A 221:7; See Yalkut Yosef Aveilus 40:2 that even Sephardim are to be stringent

[13] See Nitei Gavriel 22:1 footnote 2

[14] Sheilas Yaavetz 2:184

[15] Pashut, as the Rama and all Poskim only mention the Yahrzeit of a parent; Nitei Gavriel 22:1

[16] The Rama and Poskim ibid only mention “not to eat by the meal” unlike the wording in 391:2 “Not to enter to the meal” however seemingly it is Lav Davka and it is forbidden to even remain by the meal being it is a place of Simcha; See however ruling of Nitei Gavriel 22:6

[17] Pashut, as the entire avoidance is only a custom and is under dispute, hence if during the 12 months we are lenient as rules the Maharashdam 202 then certainly during the day of the Yahrzeit. Seemingly there is no need to even be Mishameish in such a case. See Nitei Gavriel 22:3 footnote 4 in name of Poskim

[18] Pashut, as the entire avoidance is only a custom and is under dispute, hence if during the 12 months we are lenient as rules the Maharashdam 202 then certainly during the day of the Yahrzeit. Seemingly there is no need to even be Mishameish in such a case. See Nitei Gavriel 22:4 footnote 5 in name of Nishmas Kol Chaiy

[19] Levushei Mordechai Tinyana 137 based on Neharei Afarsemon 54

[20] As he may even get married during Shloshim if he did not fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, thus certainly he may get married on the day of a Yahrzeit. See Nitei Gavriel 22:4

[21] See Nitei Gavriel 22:13

[22] Makor Chaim 568:8; Nitei Gavriel 70:20

[23] Nitei Gavriel 22:22 in name of the Mahrashak

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