5. Kibbud Av Va’eim-Chapter 5: The Mitzvah to Honor one’s Parents and its included obligations

Chapter 5: The Mitzvah to Honor one’s Parents and its included obligations[1]

1. The Mitzvah:[2]

Honoring one’s father and mother is a positive command in the Torah[3], and is listed as the fifth of the 10 Commandments. [The command of honoring one’s parents is listed by the Rambam as the 210th Command of the Torah.[4]]

Not in front of parents:[5] One is obligated in the honor of his parents even when not in their presence.

Equal obligations towards father and mother:[6] The Torah preceded the father to the mother regarding the command of respect to teach us that they’re both to be equally respected. Hence, one must honor his father just as one must honor his mother and one must honor his mother just as one must honor his father and they are equal in all matters regarding this mitzvah and there is no difference between them in any matter of obligatory actions of honor.[7] Honoring one’s father and mother is listed as the same single mitzvah within the 613 Mitzvos, and is not listed as two separate commands.[8]

Is weighed by Scripture equal to the Mitzvah to honor G-d:[9] The sages teach us that this command to fear one’s parents is weighed by Scripture equal to the Mitzvah to fear G-d. This is learned from the following similar words used in the verses. In the verse regarding honoring one’s parents it states, “honor your father and mother” and in another verse it states, “honor G-d with your money.” We hence see that Scripture has equated the honor of one’s father and mother to the honor of G-d. The reason for this is because there are three partners in the creation of man.

The basic difference between the command of honor versus fear:[10] The basic difference between the command to honor one’s parents versus the command to fear one’s parents is that the command to honor one’s parents involves the performance of certain activities out of respect for one’s parents [i.e. Kum Vasei], while the command to fear one’s parents involves the abstaining from performing certain activities being that they are considered disrespectful to one’s parents [i.e. Sheiv Veal Taaseh]. Some Poskim[11] write that the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is fulfilled through action while the mitzvah of fearing one’s parents is mainly in the heart.

Is one who transgresses considered cursed by G-d?[12] Whoever shames his father and mother is considered cursed by the mouth of G-d [i.e., Gevura], as the verse[13] states “cursed should be one who shames [i.e., Makleh] his father and mother.” [Some Poskim[14] rule that even one who simply diminishes in the respect due to them is included within the scriptural curse. However, from other sources[15] it is clear that the scriptural curse is reserved for only for those who actually shame their parents and not simply transgress fulfilling the mitzvah of honor and fear.]

2. Shliach-Can the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents be fulfilled through an emissary?[16]

It is possible to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents through hiring someone to do so on one’s behalf.[17] One may even hire a Gentile for this purpose.[18] Nonetheless, as is the general rule, it is a greater mitzvah for one to personally serve and honor his parents then to do so through a hired emissary. This applies even if the son is a Torah scholar.[19] Furthermore, from some Rishonim it is evident that the main mitzvah is only fulfilled when one personally attends to his parent, even if he could do it through an emissary.[20] If, however, the son lives a distance from the parent, or simply does not get along well with them, then he may hire someone to provide them their needs rather than do so himself.[21] In such a case, it is proper for one to pay the emissary for his troubles, even if the emissary is willing to do so for free.[22] Nonetheless, if the parent desires that specifically his son care for him, then he cannot delegate the duty to another person to do so, and is even to live next to his parents for this purpose.[23]

Personally answering the door for your parent:[24]

Rebbe Avahu stated: One should honor his parent as did my son Avimi. My son Avimi had five sons in the lifetime of his father, and nonetheless when his father Rebbe Avahu would come knocking on the door, he would personally run up the door to open it up for him even though he could’ve had one of the sons do so. He would also acknowledge his father’s presence right away and as he was running to open the door, he would tell him that he was coming to open it.

3. Matters of honor that one is obligated towards his parents:[25]

Included in the mitzvah to honor one’s parents are matters relating to thought, speech, and action. The mitzvah of honor affects how one should think of one’s parents, how one should speak of one’s parents and to one’s parents, and the matters that one must do on behalf of one’s parents, as will be listed in this chapter. In truth, the amount of acts of honor that one is required to show his parents is much more than is able to be listed, and all that was listed by the sages as a mere nonexclusive example, as can be seen from the many acts of honor recorded in the Talmud that the sages show their parents, as brought below.[26] In practice, one must honor them with all accepted forms of honor, and be careful with all matters that can be viewed as disrespect.[27] This especially applies to all forms of honor that are accustomed to be shown to one’s parents within ones society.[28]

No limit to honor:[29] This mitzvah of honoring one’s parents does not have any limitation and extends up until the heavens. The Talmud[30] states regarding Rebbe Tarfon that whenever she desired to climb up to her bed he would bend down and have her climb on his back, and whenever she desired to go down from the bed she would climb down onto his back, and the sages remarked regarding this that he is not even reached half of the required respect needed to be shown to one’s parent. The Jerusalem Talmud states:[31] One time when the mother of Rebbe Tarfon went down to her yard for a walk on Shabbos and her sandals broke and Rebbe Tarfon placed his hands under his mother’s feet in order to help her walk to her bed. The sages responded about this that even if he does hundreds of thousands as such, he is still not reached half of the honor the Torah requires one to show his parents. Nevertheless, this extent of honor as shown by Rebbe Tarfon is not an actual obligation, but rather a Midas Chassidus for which one receives reward but does not get punished if he does not fulfill.[32]

A demanding Mitzvah: Due to its severity and demanding details, Rebbe Yochanon stated that from a certain perspective, one who has not met his parents benefits from the fact that he will not be subject to being punished for not properly honoring them.[33] Likewise, Rebbe Zeira once expresses sorrow that he was an orphan who never met his parents and was never able to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring them, and later after learning of the severity of this mitzvah exclaimed that he is indebted to G-d for not having been challenged with this mitzvah.[34]

The following matters are included within the command to honor one’s parents, as explained throughout this chapter:

Loving them
Thinking positively of them.
Speaking gently and respectfully with them. [Some write that this is the main intent of the command of honoring one’s parents as understood from the simple words of Scripture.[35]]
Visiting and communicating with them
Feeding them. [Some write that this is the main intent of the command of honoring one’s parents.[36]]
Dressing them.
Walking them.
Putting on their shoes.
Bathing them.
Anointing them.
Some Poskim[37] learn that the prohibition against causing pain to one’s parents is included within the mitzvah to honor one’s parents. See Chapter 5 Halacha 6!

As stated above, this list is only some of the examples of matters of honor that one is required to show one’s parents and in truth the number of acts of honor that one is required to show his parents is much more than is able to be listed.

Obeying the same commands relevant to G-d:[38]

Some Mefarshim right to from the fact that the command to honor one’s parents was included in the 10 Commandments we can learn that the same commands which G-d commanded us regarding how He is to be treated likewise applies towards one’s parents, and hence the following applies:

Not to reject their recognition as one’s parent: One may not deny the existence of his parent and claim someone else to be his parent who is not, just as one may not deny G-d’s existence and may not accept another G-d upon himself as learned from the first two of the 10 Commandments.
To not serve them with ulterior motives: One should not serve his parents with ulterior motives such as to be granted an inheritance, just as one should not serve G-d for an ulterior motive.
Not to swear in their name: One may not swear falsely in the name of his parents just as one may not swear falsely using G-d’s name.

4. Love-Loving one’s parents:[39]

The Zohar[40] describes the relationship between a child and parent as follows: “A son who cares after his father and mother whom he loves more than his own body and soul and all of his possessions are like nonexistent in the face of using them to give his parent satisfaction.” Some Poskim[41] learn from here that aside for the obligation to honor and fearless parents, there is an obligation for one to love his parents and that loving one’s parents is included within the command to honor them. The love is the result of the realization of how much his parents have done for him, and he hence reciprocates their love for him with his love for them. As a result of this love, he respects them and honors them and fears them. [Nonetheless, even according to this opinion, the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is mainly fulfilled through action while the mitzvah of fearing one’s parents is mainly in the heart.[42]] Furthermore, some Poskim[43] learn that the mitzvah to love one’s parents is included within the mitzvah to love Hashem, and is independent of the command to honor one’s parents. However, other Poskim[44] rule that there is no special mitzvah to love one’s parents any more than any other Jew.

5. Thought-Honoring one’s parents in one’s mind & Thinking positive thoughts of one’s parents:[45]

Included within the command to honor one’s parents, is to think of them in a respectful manner also in one’s mind. One should imagine them as respected and honorable people even if they are not so in the eyes of others. This in fact is the main aspect of the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents. Some Poskim[46] write that the scriptural curse given to one who shames his parent applies even in one’s thought, and hence it is forbidden to think of one’s parents in a belittling manner even in one’s thought without verbalizing it.

Searching for their good traits:[47] According to the above, one is to contemplate his parents’ good traits and search them out, in order so he view them in a positive light and as unique individuals. This will raise their esteem in his eyes, and consequently affect the respect he has for them in his mind. Nonetheless, this is not an obligation, and he is not required to distort reality for this purpose.

6. Not to cause pain to one’s father or mother:[48]

It is forbidden for one to cause pain to one’s parents. This prohibition applies even after their death being that they are aware of what happens in this world.[49] This prohibition is included within the mitzvah to honor one’s parents.[50] Some Poskim[51] however learn that this prohibition is included within the mitzvah the fear one’s parents. Other Poskim[52] learn that this prohibition is included within the prohibition against hitting and cursing one’s father or mother and causing them pain is actually worse in the eyes of heaven than hitting them without causing a wound.[53] Other Poskim[54] learn that this prohibition is included within the prohibition against shaming one’s father or mother and doing so carries a scriptural curse as stated in chapter 7.

7. Speech-Honoring one’s parents through speech:[55]

A. Speaking respectfully:[56]

Included in the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is to speak to them with respect. One is to speak with them in a soft and appeasing tone with true Derech Eretz, as if one is talking to the king. This in fact is the main intent of the command of honoring one’s parents as understood from the simple words of Scripture. It goes without saying that it is forbidden to scream at them.[57]

Speaking to one’s parents in the third person or in Lashon Rabim:[58] There is no need to speak to one’s parents in the third person or in a plural tense, as is commonly done in the Hebrew language when speaking to another person as a sign of respect[59], as the accepted custom is not to be particular in this when speaking to one’s parents.

B. Rejoicing them:[60]

It is a mitzvah for a child to rejoice his father and mother.

C. Not to cause them pain with one’s words:[61]

It is forbidden for one to speak in a way or with words that will cause pain to one’s parents, and one who pains his parents with his words is greatly punished.

D. Soothing their pain and appeasing their stress:[62]

Included in the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is to appease them if they are in a state of stress or pain. One should speak to them words of comfort and reassurance to help remove their pain from their hearts.

E. Relieving their boredom:[63]

It is a mitzvah for one to spend time speaking with one’s parents even of mundane matters in order to relieve their boredom, and simply spend time with them, if they are in need of it. This obligation applies even if the son will end up nullifying Torah study for this purpose.

F. Letting them speak first and not to interrupt:[64]

A child is not the speak before his parents if his parents desire to speak. Rather, he should first have them speak and then speak after them. [For example, if a question is asked to the general public which includes a father and son who both have an answer, the son is to allow his father to answer first. Likewise, when the father and son are chitchatting within a group, the son should allow his father to express himself first before jumping the conversation. Likewise, when one’s father or mother is speaking about something, such as on the Shabbos table, a child should not interrupt them until they are done even if they feel they have something relevant that they would like to also share. Rather they should let their parents finish their thoughts and only afterwards share whatever it is they have on their minds. This is unlike that which is accustomed today in some homes in which a parent only begins to say something and all of a sudden, every child has something to say and share and comment without letting the parent finish his sentence. Of course, when the parent desires the dialogue within his conversation and statement, then this is allowed.]

G. Not telling them painful words, or delivering to them painful news:[65]

Included in the mitzvah to honor one’s parents in a speech, is to abstain from telling them words that will cause them pain. Likewise, one should not share with them news that will cause them pain. This may apply even regarding news that is relevant to the parent himself.

Telling them of a terminal illness that they have: Based on the above, one should not share with his elderly or sick parents that they have been diagnosed with a terminal illness if this information will not help them in any way and on the contrary will simply cause them great pain. However, if there is some benefit for the parent to be aware of their illness, such as to take greater care of their health, then they are to be told. Practically, one should consult with the medical team of his parent and a rabbi or chaplain prior to making a decision on this matter.

Telling one’s parents painful information about himself or his children: Based on the above, one should avoid telling his parents news and information of matters going on in his life that will cause them pain and stress, unless they are able to assist him, or need to know as part of their job of being a parental guardian.

H. Protesting someone who defames one’s parent and defending their honor:[66]

It is a mitzvah on one who hears a person defaming his parent to protest against him, and to defend his parents from the libel telling the person that he is stating a lie about his parent.[67] A child does not have the right to forgive his parents honor in these matters.[68] Nonetheless, he is not to hit the person who defamed his parent.[69] Likewise, he should answer him appropriately and honestly and not make up a libel in return.[70] Furthermore, if one knows that by protesting the defamation it’ll cause it to be spread even more, then it is permitted for him to remain quiet.[71]

I. Not to befriend those who speak against one’s parents:[72]

One is to distance himself from people who speak against his parents or belittle them, and he should therefore avoid speaking with them.

J. Speaking Lashon Hara of one’s parents:[73]

One who speaks Lashon Hara about his parents transgresses this prohibition against shaming his father or mother and doing so carries a scriptural curse as stated in chapter 7.

K. Contradicting their opinions, words, and statements:

It is forbidden to contradict one’s parents’ words due to the command to fear one’s parents. See chapter 4 Halacha 8 for the full details of this matter.

8. Behavior-Giving one’s parents Nachas from one’s actions and behavior between man and man and between man and G-d:[74]

Included in the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is for one to endeavor to follow the correct path of Torah, mitzvah’s, ethics, and behavior between man and his fellow in a way that he is pleasing in the eyes of man and heaven, as this is the greatest honor that he can give his parents. [Likewise, following in the specific footsteps of one’s parents and ancestors in their approach in service of G-d, is included in the Mitzvah of Kibbud Av Vaeim. Thus, a Chassid should learn and spread Chassidus as was the will of his ancestors.[75]]

Not to transgress G-d’s commands:[76] A child who transgresses a command of the Torah or even of the sages, and by doing so causes his parents to become ashamed, transgresses the biblical prohibition of honoring his parents.

Not to act in a way that will cause people to curse one’s parents:[77] Included within the mitzvah to honor one’s parents, is to abstain from behaviors that will ignite people to belittle one’s parents.

9. Communication and visitations-Staying in touch with one’s parents:[78]

A. Living near one’s parents:[79]

It is proper for one to live near his parents in order so one can properly honor them and help them with their needs. This especially applies once parents are old. Nonetheless, this is not necessarily an obligation, and it all depends on the circumstance of the child and parent and the reasons for not living in the same area as the parent [i.e. Chinuch, cheaper housing, marriage].

B. Being in contact with one’s parent if one lives far away:[80]

In the event that the child lives far away from the parent, then he is obligated to be in contact with them either through telephone or writing to seek their welfare and to inform them of his well-being. This applies even if communication is expensive from one’s area of living nevertheless, he must cover the costs. The frequency of this communication is all dependent on the norm for one’s society in the relationship of a parent and child. It also depends on whether the parents made a specific request of the frequency of communication.

C. Being in contact with one’s parent after escaping a worrisome situation:[81]

If one was in a state of danger, then he must inform his parents as soon as he escaped the danger. [Accordingly, upon arrival to one’s destination after a long trip, one should contact his parents to let them know that they arrived safely.]

D. Visiting one’s parents on occasion:[82]

It is a mitzvah for one to visit his parents on occasion and whoever increases in doing so is praised.

The frequency of the visitations: The frequency of the visitations is all dependent on the norm for one’s society in the relationship of a parent and child, and the distance apart that they live as well as the physical needs of the parents. It also depends on whether the parents made a specific request of the frequency of the visitation. Some Poskim[83] rule that if the travel will cause one to nullify Torah study, then he is not required to make the visitation. One who is able to, such as if they live very close by, is to try to visit his parents every single day.[84]

Who pays for the travel expenses:[85] One must cover the expenses of traveling to his parents if he lives walking distance from them. If, however, he lives beyond walking distance, then he may ask his parents to cover his traveling expenses.

10. Acts of service-Feeding, dressing, and doing other forms of service for one’s parents:[86]

What is considered honor of one’s parent? One is to feed his parents food, and give them to drink, and is to dress them and help them enter and leave [i.e. walk].[87] Likewise, one is to perform all other forms of service for his parents, as a servant serves his master.[88] [Some write that this is the main intent of the command of honoring one’s parents.[89] However, others write that the main intent of the command of honoring one’s parents is to honor them in one’s speech, and it is just that these matters are also included within the command.[90] This obligation of service only applies if the parent asks or hints from their child to do so, or if the son knows that the parent is in need of this service. However, so long as it is not known that the parent is in need of a certain service, the child is not obligated to provide it on his own initiative. Nonetheless, if he chooses to do so, and certainly if he inquires as to whether the parent desires it, then he fulfills the biblical mitzvah of honoring his parents even though he was not obligated to do so.[91]]

The matters included in the obligation to feed one’s parent

A. Going shopping and preparing food for one’s parent:

Included in the mitzvah to honor one’s parents through feeding them is going shopping for food for one’s parents[92], as well as preparing them food to eat[93], such as breakfast, lunch, or dinner. When going shopping for a parent the child is not required to use his own money and may request from his parent to pay the bill. [Thus, if one’s parent asks his son or daughter to help them make a food purchase online or go to the store to buy food for the house, he is obligated to do so, although is not required to use his credit card to pay for it.]

B. Mouth feeding an old or sick parent:[94]

If one’s parent is not able to eat on his own, such as due to age, or illness or injury, then included in the above mitzvah is to physically mouth feed one’s parent.

C. Buying them food and drink if they can’t afford:[95]

If one’s parent cannot afford to buy food and drinks for themselves, then the child is obligated to purchase it for them. See Halacha 14 for the full details of this matter!

The matters included in the obligation to dress one’s parent

D. Going shopping and preparing clothing for one’s parent:[96]

Included in the mitzvah to honor one’s parents through dressing them is going shopping for clothing for one’s parents, as well as preparing them clothing to wear. When going shopping for a parent the child is not required to use his own money, and may request from his parent to pay the bill. [Thus, if one’s parent asks his son or daughter to help them make a clothing purchase online or go to the store to buy clothing for them, he is obligated to do so, although is not required to use his credit card to pay for it.]

E. Physically dressing one’s old or sick parent:

If one’s parent is not able to get dressed on his own, such as due to age, or illness or injury, then included in the above mitzvah is to physically dress one’s parent. One is to dress in accordance with the climate and if it is cold then he is to make sure that they are dressed warmly.[97]

F. Buying them clothing if they can’t afford:[98]

If one’s parents cannot afford to buy clothing for themselves, then the child is obligated to purchase it for them. The clothing must be of a quality and elegance that is befitting for the parent. Furthermore, the clothing are to be of greater quality than one’s own, and hence if he wears clothing worth hundred dollars he should have his parents were clothing worth $200.[99] See Halacha 14 for the full details of this matter!

G. Placing them in a comfortable bed:[100]

If a parent is old or sick and has difficulty getting into bed, the child is obligated to help them into their bed. He lost to make sure that they have proper bedding which is both comfortable and warm.

The matters included in the obligation to help one’s parent “enter and leave”

H. Helping a parent to walk if they have difficulty doing so:[101]

If one’s parent is old or sick or injured and has difficulty walking, then included in the command to honor one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to help them walk to and from their home by having them lean on one’s body for support or by giving them a hand to hold onto and be walked with.

Driving the parent to a location of their desire: Based on the above, a parent who is unable to drive for whatever reason, it is a mitzvah for the child to drive them to their desired location, however, the child may ask the parent to pay for the cost of the gas for the trip as explained in Halacha 14.

Rebbe Tarfon helping his mother walk:[102]

One time when the mother of Rebbe Tarfon went down to her yard for a walk on Shabbos and her sandals broke and Rebbe Tarfon placed his hands under his mother’s feet in order to help her walk to her bed. The sages responded about this that even if he does hundreds of thousands as such, he is still not reached half of the honor the Torah requires one to show his parents.

I. Helping them with moving their furniture and bringing in groceries:[103]

Included in the command to honor one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to help them move their furniture and bring in their groceries and other shopping bags. Likewise, when things need to be moved around the home or taken from the closets, the child should do so in place of his parent.

J. Managing the finances of one’s parent:[104]

Some write that included in the command of honoring one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to handle their finances if they are incapable of doing so, or do not wish to be burdened with doing so.

K. Renting a home for one’s parents:[105]

Some write that included in the command of honoring one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to rent them a home, if they are in need of a place to live. [However, he may request the parent to pay for the rent.]

L. Housing one’s parent in one’s own home:

Seemingly, included in the command of honoring one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to house one’s parents in his own home, if he does not wish to rent them a home, or if they cannot afford it. The same applies if the parent is old and is unable to care for himself and requests to live in the same home as their child.[106] [Nonetheless, the expenses involved in housing the parent does not have to be from the possessions of the child, and he may request monetary compensation from his parents for housing them. This especially applies if the room or home is available for rent, that the son may request the parent to pay him the rent.] One who opens their home for their parent to living ends up fulfilling the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Vaeim at every moment. [Another option to housing the parent within one’s house if doing so is most difficult or has spousal opposition, is to rent a nearby home on behalf of the parent.]

If one spouse opposes the idea:[107] If one’s spouse is opposed to having their father or mother in-law live with them at home due to justified reasons relating to Shalom Bayis, then they are not required to house the parent in their home. This applies whether the wife opposes it, or the husband opposes, and certainly if both agree that it is not a good idea due to the friction that it may create. In such a case, the child was obligated to find a replacement option for housing the parent.

M. Living near one’s parents:

It is proper for one to live near one’s parents in order so one can properly do the above listed acts of service. See Halacha 12 for the sources and full details of this matter!

N. Communication and visitations:

See Halacha 9!

O. Escorting a parent after they leave one’s home, and upon going on errands:[108]

Some write that included in the command of honoring one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to escort them outside when they leave one’s home. One should not leave them after escorting them until they have left his view. [For example, when seeing them off upon leaving one’s house one should remain outside in the area that he stopped escorting them until they are no longer in his view.] In addition, some write that one should also escort them whenever they leave to perform an errand and can use one’s help. This especially applies if they are old.[109]

The matters included in the obligation to perform all forms of service like a servant to his master

P. All forms of service:[110]

In truth, the amount of acts of honor that one is required to show his parents is much more than is able to be listed, and all that was listed by the sages as a mere nonexclusive example, as can be seen from the many acts of honor recorded in the Talmud that the sages show their parents.[111] In practice, one must honor them with all accepted forms of honor, and be careful with all matters that can be viewed as disrespect.[112]

Accustomed acts of respect:[113] This especially applies to all forms of honor that are accustomed to being shown to one’s parents within ones society.

Other matters of service recorded in Poskim:

Putting on his shoes.[114]
Bathing his face, hands, and legs.[115]
Anointing his skin with oil.[116]

Rebbe Tarfon helping mother climb up and down the bed:[117]

Rebbe Tarfon had a mother whom whenever she desired to climb up to her bed he would bend down and have her climb on his back, and whenever she desired to go down from the bed she would climb down onto his back. When Rebbe Tarfon came to the house of study, he bragged of the great honor that he has for his mother. The students present responded to him that he is not yet reach even half of that which is required to be done to honor one’s parents.

In the Jerusalem Talmud we find another similar story:[118] One time when the mother of Rebbe Tarfon went down to her yard for a walk on Shabbos and her sandals broke and Rebbe Tarfon placed his hands under his mother’s feet in order to help her walk to her bed. The sages responded about this that even if he does hundreds of thousands as such, he is still not reached half of the honor the Torah requires one to show his parents.

Nevertheless, this extent of honor as shown by Rebbe Tarfon is not an actual obligation, but rather a Midas Chassidus for which one receives reward but does not get punished if he does not fulfill.[119]

Q. Services that people usually pay to receive:[120]

Some write that the son or daughter are only obligated to perform acts of service for their parents if it is not common to perform these services in exchange for payment. If, however, such services are usually paid for, then the son is not obligated to do so for free on behalf of his parents, as the son is not obligated to use his own money to support his parents. Furthermore, if this were not to be the case then a father could request his son to run his business for free and perform all the work in his fields, and act as his servant then made, without exchange of payment, which certainly is not the case.

R. Earning income on behalf of one’s parent:[121]

A child is not required to perform services on behalf of this parent for the sake of earning them an income. Thus, a parent cannot instruct their son or daughter to work for their business without pay.

S. Demeaning Work-Must a child perform even a demeaning task on behalf of his parent, and what is the law if he is a respectful individual in the community?[122]

There is no obligation for a child to do a demeaning task that is below his dignity and would put him to shame, on behalf of his parent. However, this only applies if the parent will have other ways of achieving that which he desires, if, however, there is no other way in achieving it and if the son refuses then the parent will need to do so himself and put himself to shame then the child is obligated to do so on behalf of his parent.

T. Personally answering the door for your parent:[123]

It is proper to personally answer the door for one’s parent, even if others are available to do so.

U. Greeting one’s parents:[124]

Upon the arrival of one’s parents, one should greet them with a smile and happy countenance make them feel welcome and at home.

V. Taking the initiative to serve and provide them and not wait to be asked:[125]

Included within the mitzvah to honor one’s parent is to take initiative to serve them and provide them with their wishes prior to them asking and to do so with alacrity. When one sees that they desire something he should provide it for them right away without waiting for them to ask one for it.

11. Serving and honoring one’s parents with a positive attitude and a happy spirit:[126]

One is to serve his parents with a positive and happy attitude [i.e., Sever Panim Yafos]. One who serves and honors their parents with a negative attitude [i.e., Panim Zoafos] is [not considered to have fulfilled the mitzvah of honoring his parents at all[127] and is] punished for doing so [as serving them in such a manner causes pain to the parent[128]]. This applies even if he provides them with the best of foods [i.e., Petumos/Pisyonim], nonetheless if he does so with a negative attitude he is punished. However, in contrast to the above, if one shows a positive attitude and has good intentions, then he gets reward, even if the service itself appears negative, as explained next.[129] [Thus, the main thing is not the quality of the service, but the attitude and intent of the child. Based on this it is understood that the attitude one has while attending to his father and mother and the way he speaks to them is of the essence of the mitzvah of honoring them.]

Greeting one’s parents:[130] Upon the arrival of one’s parents, one should greet them with a smile and happy countenance make them feel welcome and at home.

Serving them with honor and dignity:[131] Based on the above, one must be careful to serve his parents in an honorable and dignified manner and everything that he does on their behalf should be done in a way of respect.

Running to fulfill their wishes:[132] When a parent asks one to do something on their behalf it is a mitzvah to perform the deed with alacrity.

12. Living near one’s parents so one can assist them:[133]

13. Making parent work hard for his benefit:[134]

One who makes his father [or mother] perform hard labor [i.e. grind flour in a mill] in order to save his parent from an even more difficult labor, and the child speaks appealingly to his father’s heart, and shows him that his intent is for his best, until his father agrees to the labor [i.e. to grind in the mill], then the child inherits a portion in the world to come.

14. Supporting parents-Mishel Av-Must one use one’s own money to feed, cloth, house, support, and serve one’s parents?[135]

This Halacha is one of the most significant subjects and of most major importance within the laws of Kibbud Av Vaeim and is discussed extensively in the Talmud and Poskim. The subject can be broken down to two parts:

Does the Torah require one to use his own money to fulfill the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Vaeim? Such as, is part of the mitzvah of feeding and clothing one’s parents to also provide them the food and clothing with one’s own money? If one’s parents asks him to buy them dinner, must he use his own money to buy it for them? [The approach which says that he is obligated is known in the Talmud as Mishel Ben and means that the son must provide the means for the service in addition to providing the service itself.] Or do we say that the mitzvah of feeding and clothing one’s parents is to take their own food and clothing and feed them and garb them with it, however, there is no Mitzvah or obligation upon the child for him to use his own money to buy them the food and clothing. Hence, if one’s parents ask him to buy them dinner, he may ask them for the money and if they refuse to give it to him and tell him to use his own money then he is not required to buy them dinner. [This approach is known in the Talmud as Mishel Av and means that the father must provide the means for the service while the son provides the service itself using that which is provided to him by his parent.] Practically, while this matter is debated in the Talmud, the general ruling follows the opinion who holds Mishel Av. This subject we discussed in A. However, this is contingent on the ability of the father to provide the means for his own support, which leads to the next subject.
If a parent cannot afford to support himself, is there an obligation upon the child to support the parent as part of his general obligation of Kibbud Av Vaeim? Or do we say that no such obligation exists, and the parent is to be supported by the local charity funds like anyone else who is poor? This subject will be discussed in B.

A. Parents can afford:[136]

The food and drink that one is obligated to feed one’s parents is to come from one’s parent’s money, if they can [currently[137]] afford it. [This applies even if the parents request from the child for him to pay for it himself.[138] This applies even if the child can afford it. Thus, in any case that the parents can afford it, the child is not obligated to purchase things for his parents using his own money, or to provide them with objects that he owns. Likewise, all matters relating to fearing one’s parent are not required to come out of one’s own pocket, if the parents can afford it.[139] Nonetheless, if the son nevertheless chooses to support his parents despite his lack of obligation to do so, then he certainly fulfills the mitzvah of honoring his parents.[140]]

Q&A

If one’s father or mother instructed the child to make a payment on their behalf, such as to make an order for them, or to donate money to an individual or to a cause, must they listen?[141]

No, as one is not required to use his own money for the sake of honoring his parents. [However, if one’s parents are in need of money for their personal needs, then if one can afford it, he is obligated to help out his parents due to a charity obligation, as explained next.]

If the parents give monetary support to the son:

Some Poskim[142] rule that the above exemption of listening to one’s parents regarding matters that will cause him monetary loss only apply when the son is responsible for earning his own money. If, however, the son received his money from his parents, then the parents have the right to dictate to the son what the money should be used for, and he must listen to their instructions even if it will cause him a monetary loss.

B. Parents cannot afford & Son can afford:[143]

If the parents cannot afford to support themselves, then if the child can afford it, then he must feed them [and pay their taxes[144]] from his own money according to his affordability, and is actually forced [by the Beis Din] to do so [if he refuses].[145] [This applies even if the father legally forgives his son from needing to support him, nevertheless he is forced to do so , as the father does not have the right to throw himself onto the public.[146]]

How much to give-In accordance to his charity obligations:[147] The Poskim[148], however, explain that the child is only obligated to support his parents from the moneys that he is obligated to give to charity [and not from his money which is in excess of his charity obligations]. [Thus, he is only obligated to support his parents with up to 1/5 of his earnings.[149] Likewise, if the son is so poor that he is not obligated in the giving of Maaser, then he is likewise not obligated to support his parents.[150] However, some Poskim[151] rule that if the child can afford it, then he must support his parents even past his charity obligations, and hence if his parents require much more than 1/5 of his earnings for their lifestyle[152], and he can afford it, then he must give them even more than 1/5. Likewise, these Poskim rule that we do not measure charity obligations in this regard according to the regular criteria of charity obligations, but rather according to what is accustomed the world to support one’s parents. Likewise, some Poskim[153] write that even when a child is exempt from supporting his parents due to his state of poverty, he is to be shamed by the public for not doing so. However, even according to this opinion, the son is only obligated to provide the father with the basics and not anything extra and extravagant.[154]]

Using charity money to support one’s parents:[155] Although one is only obligated to support his parents in accordance to his charity obligations [and from the letter of the law may use actual charity money to do so[156]], nevertheless, one who is able to support his parents from his own money and instead chooses to use charity money to do so, is cursed.[157] [However, some Poskim[158] rule that the entire restriction above is only with regards to using money already separated for charity for paupers, however, to use Maaser money to help support one’s parents is permitted even initially.[159] Other Poskim[160], however, rule that even Maaser money should not be used for this purpose if one can afford it otherwise, as it is included in the above curse. Practically, one is to be stringent in this matter if he can afford it.[161] One is to be stringent even if the father is unaware that the money he is receiving is from his children’s charity funds.[162] If, however, he cannot afford to support his parents without using his charity contributions, then he is not only allowed to use his charity contributions to support his parents, but he is even obligated to do so, and supporting his parents come before supporting other relatives.[163] In this regard, the definition of inability to afford to support the parents without using charity money is that the son would not have enough money to pay for the basic living expenses accepted for one’s area.[164] For this purpose, it is permitted even initially for the son to give all of his charity money to his parents even if there are other paupers who need it more than the parents, and on the contrary he is obligated to do so.[165] Thus, one who cannot afford supporting his parents otherwise, is to cancel all of his charity contributions to other sources and give the money only to his parents.[166] Nonetheless, the allowance to use charity money to support one’s parents only applies towards services that the child is not obligated to personally provide for his parents.[167] Thus, they cannot use Maaser money to pay for the burial expenses of their parents which is an obligation upon the sons.[168] Regarding helping one’s parents marry off one’s siblings, it is permitted even initially for one to use his charity money for this purpose.[169]]

Dividing the obligation of support between the children:[170] If there are many sons [or sons in laws[171]], then the sons [and sons in laws] are collectively responsible for supporting their parent, each one in accordance to the amount that he can afford. Thus, if some of the sons [or sons in laws] are rich and some are poor [to the point that if they were to give money on behalf of their parents they themselves would need to collect money from others on behalf of themselves[172]], then only the rich sons [and sons in laws] are obligated in supporting their parents. [If one of the sons ended up giving more than he is obligated to give, and has ability to prove it, then he may demand to be reimbursed from the inheritance money that the brothers will eventual receive from the parents.[173] Regarding if the son-in-law’s must help support their parents-in-law, if the sons can afford to do so themselves, some Poskim[174] imply that it is not required. However, other Poskim[175] rule that they are required to help support their parents-in-law even if the sons can afford it, although are not required to give as much as the sons. If the son-in-law is rich and can afford to support his parents-in-law and there are no sons or the sons cannot afford to do so, then he is required to fully support them.[176]]

Q&A

When is a parent defined to not be able to support themselves? What if they have a savings account, or an investment account [i.e. 401(k)] or own real estate?[177]

In this regard, we follow the parents’ total assets. Thus, all parents who have saving accounts which they can use to support themselves, are considered to be able to afford their own support and cannot demand the children support them in order so they can keep their savings.[178] Likewise, if the parent is owed money but does not choose to collect at this time, then his children are not obligated to support him and he is rather to cash in on the debts that he is owed.[179] Likewise, if the parent owns real estate aside for the home which he lives, or investment stocks which he can sell, then the children are not obligated to support them. Likewise, if the parent is supported through other charity funds then the children are not obligated to support them.[180] Likewise, if the parent can get a job to support himself then the children are not obligated to support him so he does not have to go to work, unless the only available job is beneath the dignity of the parent, in which case if the son is wealthy he should support the parent so he does not have to work such a job.[181] Certainly, children are not obligated to support parents who are too stingy to use their money to support themselves, even though they can afford it.[182] Nonetheless, in all these cases, if the son nevertheless chooses to support his parents despite his lack of obligation to do so, then he certainly fulfills the mitzvah of honoring his parents.[183] If the parent owns their house and does not have ability to support themselves without selling the house, then they are not obligated to sell their house and rather the children are obligated to support them.[184]

Can a child demand from his parent to come live with him in order to save money in supporting them in their own home?[185]

No. He is required to help support them in their home according to his affordability, if they do not wish to come with by him.

May one choose to give his charity money to other causes rather than to his parents who are in need?[186]

Only if he plans to support his parents with his own personal money outside of his charity obligations. Otherwise, his parents come before everyone else, and it is forbidden for him to distribute the charity money to others when his parents are in need of it for their own support.

If a person only has enough money to support either his children or his parents, who comes first?[187]

One’s parents receives precedence over his older children who are able to work and make their own money.[188] However, regarding one’s younger children who are still supported by him and live in his home, they receive precedence over one’s own parents. This especially applies if they are younger than age 6.[189]

What is one to do if all of his monthly charity obligations are already pledged for charitable causes and he hence does not have enough money to also support his parents?

He is to cancel his other charity pledges [and if necessary, perform Hataras Nedarim] and instead use the money to support his parents.

C. Son cannot afford-Raising money and getting a job to support parents who cannot afford:[190]

If the child cannot afford to feed his parents from his own money, then he is not obligated to beg for money [or get a job[191]] in order to feed his father. [Likewise, if the child cannot afford it, then he is not required to use his own money and food to feed them and support them, and then have to go begging for money [or get another job] to support himself.[192] However, if one in any event collects money from others on behalf of himself then some write that he must also collect money on behalf of his parent.[193] However, other Poskim[194] negate this obligation and rule that one is never obligated to go begging to collect money on behalf of his parents. Whatever the case, it is certainly a mitzvah to raise money on behalf of one’s parents even if he is not obligated to do so, and one may do so even if he is a Torah scholar who generally views it as below his dignity to do so.[195] This especially applies if otherwise the parent will need to go out begging on their own.[196]]

Definition of “can’t afford”: As stated above in B, one is only required to support his parents in accordance to his charity obligations, and hence if due to his poor state he is not obligated in charity then he is likewise not obligated to support his parents. [However, some Poskim[197] rule that in this regard we follow whatever is accustomed in society for one to support his parents even when he is poor, and do not abide by the regular laws of affordability regarding regular charity. Furthermore, some Poskim[198] rule that the definition of lack of affordability in this case is if the child does not have enough money to support himself for 30 days, in which case he is exempt from supporting his parents. Other Poskim[199] rule that the definition of lack of affordability is if the child does not have enough money to support himself and his household for one full day. If, however, he has enough money to support himself for one full day then he must give the remaining monies to support his parents.]

Summary:

There is no obligation upon the son to pay for their food or clothing. If however the parents cannot afford to support themselves, then if one is able to afford charity, he must give them their needs from his charity obligations. Nevertheless one who is able to support his parents from his own money and instead chooses to use charity money to do so, is not blessed. If one cannot even afford charity then he is not obligated to support his parents and hence cause himself to need to beg for money for himself.

D. Loss of profit:[200]

Although one is not required to spend his money in order to honor his parents [as we rule “Mishel Av], nevertheless, one is required to lose out from a potential profit in order to honor his parents.

Stopping parent from throwing away his money: See Chapter 4 Halacha 15B!

Q&A

May a son go retrieve an item that he lost when there is a matter relating to his parents honor that needs to be performed?[201]

Yes.

May a child charge rent to his parents for using a rental item that he owns and does business with such as a rental home, a rental car, and the like?[202]

Yes.[203]

Must a child sell an item such as a house to his parents if it is on the market for sale and they desire to purchase it or may he choose to sell it to another person?[204]

He may sell the home or item to whoever he wishes and is not obligated to sell it to his parents.

Services that people usually pay to receive:[205]

Earning income on behalf of one’s parent:[206]

E. Quitting one’s job, and incurring a financial loss, in order to care for one’s parents?[207]

Although a child is not obligated to support his parents with his own money, nonetheless, he is obligated to physically care for his parents even if this will cause him to need to quit his job and beg for money in order to support himself.[208] [Thus, he is required to physically care for his parents even if this will cause him a great loss of potential profit that he could make that day.[209] However, he is not required to care for his parents if doing so will cause financial loss to his current assets or business, or will cause him to get fired from his job.[210] Furthermore, even by a potential financial gain he is only required to lose the potential profit if his parents need his physical assistance, and not because of any other reason given by the parents.[211]] This, however, only applies if the son has enough money to support himself for at least that day. If, however, he does not have enough food for even that day [or if he has food for that day but does not have a steady job and works one day on behalf of a few days of food[212]], then he is not obligated to quit his job in order to care for his parents and go begging for money for his own support.[213] [Likewise, if he has a job teaching students Torah, he may not drop his job in order to serve his parents unless he finds a replacement.[214] Some Poskim[215] rule that he is only obligated to quit up to 20% of his employment for the sake of assisting his parents. Likewise, some Poskim[216] rule that if some of the children are wealthy whether others are poor, then only the wealthy children are required to not work that day for the sake of assisting the parents.]

F. Paying off a debt of one’s father:[217]

A child is not obligated to pay off his father’s debt, unless his father has passed away and he has inherited money from his father. There is not even a Mitzvah involved in using his own money to pay it off.

15. Standing in honor of a parent:[218]

A. The obligation:[219]

One is [Biblically[220]] obligated to stand for his father [or mother[221]].[222] [The Rebbe was accustomed to stand for his mother whenever his mother would enter the room.[223] However, children today are lenient not to stand for their parents, under the assumption that their parents forgive their honor, as explained in B.]

When must one stand?[224] Some Poskim[225] rule that one is obligated to stand for a parent when he hears the parent enter, even if the parent cannot yet be seen. Other Poskim[226], however, rule one is obligated to stand for the parent when he/she enters one’s sight.[227] The above applies even if the parent is much further than a four Amos distance from the son, so long as they enter one’s sight.[228] Other Poskim[229], however, rule that one is only obligated to stand for his parent when the parent enters within one’s four Amos. Practically, the main opinion follows the middle opinion.[230]

Closing one’s eyes:[231] It is forbidden for one to close his eyes prior to the parent entering, simply to refrain from needing to stand for him.

Until when must one stand: One must remain standing until the parent leaves one’s sight or sits down.[232] [If one’s parent remain standing for some time, then one may sit down, and hence it is permitted to sit as one’s father stands by the Bima for an Aliyah or as Baal Korei, or Chazan. However, if the parent will only remain standing for a few moments and then continue walking then one must remain standing.[233] One is not to start walking immediately after standing up for one’s parent, and if he needs to do so then he is to first sit down and then begin walking in order so it be recognizable that he stood up for his parent, as will be explained below.]

How to stand:[234] One must fully stand up in front of one’s parent and a slight standing does not suffice. [One is not to lean on any item while standing to the point that if the item were removed one would fall.[235]]

How often is one required to stand for a parent?[236] Some Poskim[237] rule that one is only required to stand for his parent twice a day, one time in the morning and a second time in the evening.[238] This however only applies in the house of the parent [i.e. in private], however in public when one is in front of others who do not know that he already stood, he is obligated to stand [each time].[239] [Even in the privacy of the Rebbe’s home, one is allowed to stand for his father more than two times a day if he so wishes, and it is only that he is not obligated to do so.[240] Other Poskim[241] however rule one is obligated to stand for his parent even 100 times. This however only applies when the parent enters from outside to inside and not from one room to another within the same home.[242] Thus, in the event that one lives in the same home as his parents, he is only obligated to stand when they come home from work and the like, and not every time the parent is seen in the house.[243] Practically, although there is no final arbitration in this dispute[244], nonetheless, one is to be stringent as by any questionable Biblical obligation.[245]]

Making sure to sit down:[246] After standing for one’s father, one is to make sure to sit down even if he plans on going somewhere, in order so it is apparent that he stood up for his father’s honor.

B. Exceptions and special circumstances:

Forgives his honor:[247] If a father [or mother] forgive their honor, their honor is forgiven, [and hence if the parent forgives this matter of respect of having his child stand in his honor, then one is not required to stand on their behalf[248]]. [Seemingly, based on this children today are lenient not to stand for their parents, under the assumption that their parents forgive their honor.[249] Nevertheless, it is best to receive explicit permission from one’s parent.[250] Even then, it still remains a Mitzvah to stand for them twice a day, even though it is no longer an obligation.[251] As stated above, the Rebbe was accustomed to stand for his mother whenever his mother would enter the room. Furthermore, some Poskim[252] write that when the parent and the child are in the presence of other people, then the child is to stand for his parent even if his parent forgave the honor, in order so others do not learn to be lenient. Furthermore, some Poskim[253] rule that even if the parent forgives his honor, the child must nonetheless show them some honor/Hiddur and slightly lift his body in their honor.]

If the father is a student of his son in Torah learning: [254] In the event that one’s father is a student of his son in his Torah learning[255], then each one is to stand on behalf of the other. [The son is to stand on behalf of his father in order to honor his father, and the father is to stand on behalf of his son in order to honor his teacher and Rebbe. However, there are Poskim[256] who argue on the above and rule that a father is to never stand on behalf of the son even if his son is his teacher and Rebbe. Practically, one is to suspect for this opinion and therefore the son should forgive his father and not require him to stand for him.[257] If, however, the son is a famous Rabbi and his father is not well known in the city then they are to keep a distance in order so the son not need to stand for his father as this may appear like a belittlement of the Torah, as explained next.[258]]

If the son is a Torah scholar:[259] Even a Torah scholar is obligated to stand for his father, and the father is not obligated to stand for him if he is not his personal teacher.

Father is riding:[260] If the parent is riding on a horse or wagon [or car] and reaches within one’s four Amos, it is considered as if he is walking in one’s four Amos and one must stand on his behalf. [Thus, if a father or mother is in a wheelchair, then one most likely stand up in their honor when they enter one’s presence.[261]]

Bathroom/bathhouse: Some Poskim[262] rule that one is not required to stand for his parent in the inner room of a bathhouse.[263] Other Poskim[264], however, rule that one is required to stand for a parent even in the inner room of a bathhouse. According to all opinions, in the outer room [including the middle room in which people change[265]] one is required to stand [if he is clothed[266]].[267]

Standing if in middle of Learning Torah:[268] Even while one is learning Torah one is obligated to stand for his parent. [While learning Torah, one may be lenient to only stand for one’s parent twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, in order not to nullify from Torah learning.[269]

Standing if in middle of Davening:[270] One must stand for his parent even if he is during Davening [whether in private or in a Shul]. This applies even if he is in the middle of the prayer of Shema.[271] [However, some Poskim[272] rule that in the middle of Shema one is to only stand for his parent if he is between the paragraphs.]

Standing if holding a Sefer Torah:[273] One is not required to stand for his parent while he is holding a Torah Scroll. [However, some Poskim[274] rule that one is to slightly lift his body.]

Standing during Shiva:[275] An Avel during Shiva is not obligated [and perhaps is not even allowed[276]] to stand in the presence of even the Gadol Hador, [and the same applies that one is not obligated to stand for a parent[277]].[278] [He may however slightly lift up his body in their honor.[279]]

Standing on Tishe Beav:[280] It is disputed amongst the Poskim[281] as to whether a person is obligated [or allowed[282]] to stand for a parent on Tishe Beav.[283] [He may however slightly lift his body in their honor.[284]]

During work:[285] Workers are not obligated to [stop and] stand for a parent while they are working.[286] [If however, they are self-employed then they may choose to stop their work and stand if they wish to be stringent.] If, however they are working for another, it is forbidden for the worker to be stringent upon himself and stand during his work.

Q&A

If one is sitting in a room and one’s parent walks by in a different room, must one stand up for him?[287]

No.

Standing up for one’s father when he gets an Aliyah to the Torah:[288]

In some communities the custom is for a son to stand up in honor of his father when his father is called up for an Aliyah.[289] This custom is followed today in Sephardic communities.[290] One who is praying with his father in such a community must respect this custom if his father is called up for an Aliyah.[291]

16. Defending the honor of a parent- Protesting someone who defames one’s parent and defending their honor:[292]

It is a mitzvah on one who hears a person defaming his parent to protest against him, and to defend his parents from the libel telling the person that he is stating a lie about his parent.[293] A child does not have the right to forgive his parents honor in these matters.[294] Nonetheless, he is not to hit the person who defamed his parent.[295] Likewise, he should answer him appropriately and honestly and not make up a libel in return.[296] Furthermore, if one knows that by protesting the defamation it’ll cause it to be spread even more, then it is permitted for him to remain quiet.[297]

Not to act in a way that will cause people to curse one’s parents:[298] Included within the mitzvah to honor one’s parents, is to abstain from behaviors that will ignite people to belittle one’s parents.

17. Honoring during business and chore performance:[299]

One is obligated to respect his parents during his business dealings and performance of chores. Hence, if one is in need of a certain matter from another person, then he should request from them to do it out of respect for his father [as explained next]. All in all, a person should always make it seem in his words that he worries of the honor of his father and fear him.

18. Mentioning your father whenever relevant as a sign of honor:[300]

A. Asking for a favor in the honor of one’s parent:[301]

If one is in need of a certain matter from another person, such as if someone is in the city and needs to request a favor from someone, then if he knows that they will do so out of respect of his father, then he should request from them to do it out of respect for his father, in order to depend the respect on his father. This applies even if one knows that the individual would be willing to do him the favor due to his own respect [and even if he would be more willing to do it on his behalf then on behalf of the father[302]]. [If, however, one knows that the person will not do him the favor on behalf of his father due to hatred they have towards him, and on his behalf they will do so, then he should specifically not ask for it on behalf of his father, as this would be shaming to his father.[303] Furthermore, even if one is unsure if the individual would do him the favor out of respect for his father, then he may choose to request it in whichever fashion he feels fit, whether out of his own respect or the respect of his father.[304] Furthermore, even if one knows that they would also do the favor on behalf of one’s father, but they would do even more on one’s own behalf, then some Poskim[305] rule that one is not required to ask for the favor out of respect for his father. However, some Poskim[306] rules that even in an area where they do not give extra respect to his father at all, he should nevertheless make the request on behalf of his father. Some Poskim[307] rule that the above law only applies in the event that one is asking for a personal favor from another with saying the words “for my sake,” in which case the law is that he should ask for the favor on behalf of his father. If, however, he is not asking for a personal favor for himself and is making a general request, then he does not have to precede his father’s name. Other Poskim[308], however, are stringent even in such a case.]

Practical application:

When speaking to a family friend of one’s parents for the sake of a certain matter of favor or advice, one should introduce himself as the son of his father.
If a person needs to excuse himself from a gathering or meeting in order to deal with his own needs and the needs of his father, then he should excuse himself by saying that he is needed by his father rather than his own needs.[309]
If a son and father are in middle of eating together and the son is asked to excuse himself for a certain purpose, then he should not tell them that he will delay doing so until he finishes eating, but rather he should depend it on his father and say that he would like to wait until his father finishes eating.[310]

B. Mentioning one’s father when signing one’s name:[311]

Some write that included in the Mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is for one to add his father’s name to his signature. This means that whenever he signs his name he should add also his father’s name, such as “Ploni the son of my father and teacher Almoni.” This especially applies if one’s father is a Torah scholar.

C. Swearing in one’s father’s name:[312]

Some Poskim[313] rule that one who takes an oath should do so on the life of his father, as this shows his care for his father’s life. However, other Poskim[314] rule that on the contrary one should not swear even truthfully on the life of one’s father, as this is not considered honorable towards him. Certainly, according to all opinions it is a great prohibition to swear falsely or lie in their name.[315]

19. Kibbud Av Vaeim versus other Mitzvos-Which receives precedence?[316]

* The below law discusses whether or not the fulfillment of other Mitzvos are to be preceded to performing an action of honoring one’s parent, or if honoring one’s parent takes precedence. It does not discuss the related subject of what one is to do if one’s parent instructs one to do something prohibited according to Jewish law, or against one’s standards of one’s religious observance. This secondary subject is discussed at length in chapter 6.

No time to do both Mitzvos: If one’s father asks him to bring him a cup of water, and at the same time there is a passing mitzvah that he is able to fulfill, such as to bury the dead or participate in a funeral [or to say Shema, or pray or wear Tefillin[317]], then if it is possible for him to delegate this Mitzvah to someone else to perform, then he should delegate it and in the meantime perform the mitzvah of honoring his parent [by bringing him a cup of water].[318] If, however, there is no one else available to perform the mitzvah in his stead, then he should perform the mitzvah and put aside the mitzvah to honor his father [and not perform the service for his father].[319]

Stopping in middle of a mitzvah to serve one’s parent and vice versa:[320] If, however, he already began the mitzvah and only then did his parent ask him for the service, then he may first finish the mitzvah, as one who is in the midst of a mitzvah is exempt from any other mitzvah. [This applies even if another person is available to finish the mitzvah on his behalf.[321] Thus, if one’s parent asks one to do something in middle of prayer, then he is the first finish the prayer and only then do it.[322] Likewise, in the opposite case that one already began doing something out of honor for his parents and a mitzvah then came out, then he is not required to stop the action he’s doing for his parents for the sake of the mitzvah.[323] Thus, if one saw a lost object in the midst of serving and assisted his father he is not required to retrieve it in order to return it to its owner, unless his father is Mochel, which the father is required to do.[324] Thus, the entire rule stated above that a passing mitzvah takes precedence over honoring one’s parents, is only if one has not yet begun the act of honor. However, if one’s parent asks one to do something on his behalf with the sole intent to nullify him from doing a mitzvah, then he is not required to listen to him, and he is to fulfill the mitzvah.[325]]

There is time to do both Mitzvos, one now and one later on:[326] If the mitzvah could become performed at a later time, then one should first deal with the mitzvah of honoring his father and only afterwards perform the mitzvah. [This applies even if one can technically fulfill the act of honor for his parent at a later time.[327] However, some Poskim[328] rule that if the honor of his father is not urgent, such as his father asked him to do an errand which can be done later on, that he may choose to precede the fulfillment of a different mitzvah to that of honoring his father.]

20. Kibbud Av Vaeim versus Talmud Torah-which receives precedence?[329]

The mitzvah of Torah learning is greater than the mitzvah of honoring [and fearing[330]] one’s father and mother.[331] [This implies that one is not obligated to stop his Torah learning for the sake of honoring his parents.[332] However, other Poskim[333] rule that one is obligated to stop his Torah learning for the sake of honoring his parents as is the rule regarding any other mitzvah which cannot be done by others.[334] This especially applies if the matter relates to providing aid for basic necessities of the parent, and there is no one else available to do so in once place.[335] Accordingly, we must conclude that the above rule that Torah study overrides honoring one’s parents only applies regarding allowing the son to go to a different city than his parents for the sake of Torah study even though he will end up neglecting honoring his parents, as explained in Chapter 6 Halacha 8.[336] Furthermore, in the event that he is learning Torah in another city then he is not required to constantly stop his Torah study and travel to his parents in order to serve them if this will disrupt his learning Seder. If, however, he is studying Torah in the same city as his parents, then he is obligated to stop his Torah learning in order to serve his father and honor him.[337] Nonetheless, this only applies if this will not disturb one’s Torah learning for a long period of time, if however, it will throw him off of his schedule of Torah learning to the point that it is difficult for him to study, then he is exempt from honoring his parents in this manner.[338] In all cases, if the child in any event takes off time from his Torah study for unnecessary matters, then certainly he cannot use Torah study as an excuse for not honoring his parents.[339]]

Child’s Torah learning gives honor to parents:[340]

When a child is successful in his Torah learning this itself gives honor to his parents and is considered to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring and fearing one’s parents.

21. Father versus Mother-Who receives precedence?[341]

If one’s mother and father both request their child to do something, who should the child serve first?

If one’s father instructed him to give him water to drink, and also his mother instructed him to bring her water to drink[342], then he is to leave his mother’s request and deal with the honor of his father [if he is unable to fulfill both of them simultaneously[343]].[344] [However, some Poskim[345] suggests that this rule only applies regarding those matters that the wife is obligated to fulfill for her husband[346], however, by those matters that the wife is not obligated to perform for her husband then it is possible that the child may choose to precede the request of whichever parent he wishes. However, other Poskim[347] argue on this and rule that one is obligated to precede the father regarding all matters, and that this precedence is of Biblical status. Practically, one is to be stringent in this matter. Some Poskim[348] rule that the obligation to precede the father to the mother only applies by matters that are done out of honor of one’s parents, which includes all matters that the parent receives direct benefit from such as to bring them a drink. However, those matters in which the parent receives no direct benefit and one’s obligation to listen to them is simply due to the mitzvah of fearing one’s parent, then one is not obligated to precede the father to the mother. Practically, however, many Poskim rule that one must always listen to his parents due to the command of honoring them, and hence the laws of precedence would apply even in such a case. Nonetheless, in the event that the father asks his son to do something which he does not receive direct benefit from, such as that he asked the son to clean up his room, while the mother asks him to do something which will directly benefit her, such as to prepare her coffee, then the mother’s request is to be proceeded.[349] Likewise, if one’s father asks the son to do something which the son is not obligated in, such as to use his own money to purchase him something, and his mother asks of him to do something which he is obligated in, then he is not obligated to precede his father and according to some is even encouraged to precede his mother’s request.[350]]

If the parents are divorced or were never married:[351] If one’s parents are divorced [or were never married such as if he was born out of wedlock[352]], then they are both considered of equal status, and hence the child can choose to proceed whomever he wishes. [However, some Poskim[353] rule that the child should not precede one parent over the other, and he should rather try to serve both simultaneously, if possible. If it is not possible, then he may should proceed whichever act of service is more available for him to accomplish. If one’s parents are divorced and one of the parents makes a request and the other parent asks for that request to not be honored by the son, then so long as the parent has a justifiable reason for asking for the request to be denied and is not doing so simply out of hatred for the other spouse, then the child is to avoid doing anything and getting involved.[354] If one’s parents are divorced, the child is to make sure to spend time with each parent, and consult with a Rav regarding the particulars of the situation and how much time should be spent with each.[355]]

Father instructs his son not to say Kaddish for his mother:[356] The father may not protest his son from saying Kaddish on behalf of his mother.[357]

Q&A

If one’s mother requests from the child to do something that he knows his father does not want him to do, who is he to listen to?

So long as his father did not directly instruct him not to do it, then he is to listen to his mother even if he assumes that his father would not want it to be done.[358] If, however, his father explicitly instructs him not to do it, then he must listen to his father [unless the entire reason behind his father’s request is to belittle his mother, as explained next, or his parents are divorced, in which case Sheiv Veal Taaseh Adif].[359]

If one’s father instructs his son to do something which will belittle his mother, what is he to do?[360]

He is not to listen to his father in such a case.[361]

If one’s father instructs the child not to listen to the request of the mother, what is he to do?

If his father is making the request purposely in order to sabotage the request of the mother due to his hatred towards her, then he is not to listen to her.[362] Otherwise, he is obligated to listen to the father.[363] If, however, one’s parents are divorced then he should simply avoid the matter altogether, and not fulfill the request, as stated above.[364]

If one’s father request one to do something for him while he is in the midst of fulfilling the request of his mother’s, what is he to do?[365]

He should first complete the request of his mother and only then perform his father’s request.

If one’s now deceased father had requested something prior to his passing, does this request precede a request from the mother if the requests contradict each other?[366]

Some Poskim[367] rule that in such a case one is to fulfill the request of the living parent, which is his mother, and ignore the request of his father.[368] This applies even if the request was written in a will. Other Poskim[369], however, question this ruling. Other Poskim[370] rule that the child may follow the request of whichever parent he chooses especially in a case that listening to the living parent will cause him a loss of money.[371]

If one’s now deceased mother requested something prior to her passing, does this request precede a request from the father?[372]

This matter falls the same dispute as above, regarding if it is better to follow the living parent or if he may choose to follow whoever he desires.[373] However, some Poskim[374] rule that in such a case one is to listen to the father even if in the previous case we would rule to allow him to follow whoever he chooses.

If both of one’s parents have passed away and both parents left conflicting requests, whom should one listen to?

Some Poskim[375] rule that death is similar to a divorce and hence the child may follow the request of whichever parent he chooses. Other Poskim[376], however, rule that one is to always precede the father’s request. Practically, the majority of Poskim conclude like the former opinion.

If both one’s father and mother are being held captive for a ransom which parent comes first in being redeemed?[377]

The mother is to receive precedence in being redeemed by her children.

If both one’s father and mother are poor and in need of money, who comes first?[378]

The mother is to receive precedence in being supported by her children.

Not to get involved in one’s parents’ arguments:[379]

Included in the command of honoring one’s parents is that a child should not get involved in arguments between his father and mother and should not arbitrate between them.

22. The laws of respect relevant when the son is his father’s Teacher and Rebbe in Torah learning:[380]

Who stands for whom:[381] In the event that one’s father is a student of his son in his Torah learning[382], then each one is to stand on behalf of the other. [The son is to stand on behalf of his father in order to honor his father, and the father is to stand on behalf of his son in order to honor his teacher and Rebbe. However, there are Poskim[383] who argue on the above and rule that a father is to never stand on behalf of the son even if his son is his teacher and Rebbe. Practically, one is to suspect for this opinion and therefore the son should forgive his father and not require him to stand for him.[384] If, however, the son is a famous Rabbi and his father is not well known in the city then they are to keep a distance in order so the son not need to stand for his father as this may appear like a belittlement of the Torah, as explained next.[385]]

May the son serve his father:[386] In the event that one’s father is a student of his son in his Torah learning, then the father may not have his son serve him, although if the son chooses to forgive his honor and serve his father, then he may choose to do so, as a Rebbe who forgives his honor, his honor is forgiven. However, this ability for the son to forgive his honor and service his father applies only in private, where no one will see him do the service. Alternatively, it is also permitted to be done in public in a city where everyone knows the father and son relationship and know that the individual that the Rabbi is serving is his father. If, however, the son is a famous Rabbi [i.e., Gadol Batorah] and his father is not well known in the city, then he may not forgive his honor and serve his father, as this may appear like a belittlement of the Torah if the son belittles himself before his father. Accordingly, in such a situation, the father and son are to keep a distance [while going out in public in the city] in order so neither one is lenient in the honor and respect of his fellow. This was practically followed and done by the Maharam when he was together with his father [in a certain city in which the father was not well known but the Maharam was]. [In fact, they write of him, the Maharam, that from the day that he became a Torah leader, he did not go to greet his father, and he did not want his father to come to greet him.[387] Other Poskim[388], however, rule that it is not proper for the son to distance himself from his father, and rather he should forgive his honor and visit his father. According to all Poskim, there is no need to move cities if he lives in the same vicinity as one’s father.[389]]

23. Preceding one’s parent:[390]

One should precede his parent prior to other people regarding all matters.

Preceding by a meal:[391] Thus, for example, by a meal that the child is hosting the father and mother should receive their food portion prior to others and should receive the best of the food portions.

Preceding by a Zimun:[392] When making a Zimun one should precede asking permission from his father prior to asking permission from others.

Washing hands first:[393] When washing hands prior to a meal [that the child is hosting] one should allow his parent to wash his hands prior to everyone else.

_________________________________________

[1] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 371-477

[2] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:1-2; 15

[3] Rama ibid “Mitzvas Asei”; Rambam Sefer Hamitzvos Mitzvah 210-211; Chinuch Mitzvah 33; 212

[4] Rambam Sefer Hamitzvos Mitzvah 210; Chinuch lists it as the 33^rd command of the Torah

[5] Rambam Mamarim 6:4 “A person is obligated to honor his parents during his business dealings and the like, as a rule you should always show that he suspects for his parents honor and that he fears them.”; Tur 240; Atzmos Yosef Kiddushin 32a based on Michaber 240:6; Kiddushin 31b; Chofetz Chaim Pesicha Asei 10 in Beir Mayim Chaim; Chut Shani 240:10; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:24; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 388-390

[6] See Michaber Y.D. 240:14; Rama 240:9; Tur 240; Rambam Mamrim 6:2; Kiddushin 31a “Rebbe teaches us that it is revealed and known before whom that said and created the world that a son honors his mother more than his father being that his mother sweet talks him. Therefore, G-d preceded the honoring of the father to the honor of the mother.”; Mishneh Kerisus 28a; Mechilta Shemos 20:12; Maharil 24; Chayeh Adam 67:16; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 417 footnotes 608-615

[7] Maharil ibid

[8] Maharam Shick Taryag Mitzvos 33; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 417 footnote 614-615

[9] Rambam Mamarim 6:1; Kiddushin 30b

[10] See Korban Aaron on Toras Kohanim Kedoshim 1; Michtam Ledavid Y.D. 32; Tosafos Reim on Yireim 222; Malbim on Toras Kohanim ibid; Aruch Hashulchan 240:8; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibbud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 372 footnote 14 and 17-20; p. 384 footnotes 186-190; Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 562 footnote 28-34

[11] Semak Hakdama 7; 50 Kala Rabasi 3

[12] Michaber 241:6; Tur 241; Rambam Mamrim 5:15; Pesakim Uteshuvos 241:6; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibbud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 372

[13] Devarim 27:16

[14] Chareidim 9:35

[15] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibbud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 372 footnote 30

[16] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:37; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379-380

[17] Shemen Hamaor Chelek Haderushim p. 111; Zera Emes 2:148; Kneses Yechezkal Mareches Chaf; Implication of Kiddushin 31b; Meiah Shearim Shaar 33-36

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the Mitzvah cannot be fulfilled through another. [Implication of Machaneh Chaim 2 C.M. 29 who implies that a son cannot delegate the mitzvah to another; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 162; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnote 123]

[18] Article of Rav Sheprun in Koveitz Hayashar Vehatov 13:7

[19] Kiddushin 32a regarding Avimi; Kiddushin 41a; Michtam Ledavid Y.D. 32; Meiah Shearim ibid in length; Sdei Chemed 4:239; See Admur 249

[20] See Tosafus Riy Hazakein Kiddushin 31b; Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Semak 50; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 162; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnote 115-121 and 123

[21] Shemen Hamaor ibid; Michtam Ledavid Y.D. 32; Or Hayashar Pesachim 104b; Har Tzvi Y.D. 97

[22] Yismach Moshe Parshas Eikev; Mur Veahalos 31; Sdei Chemed 9 Divrei Chachamim 44; Darkei Teshuvah 28:61; Doveiv Meisharim 1:47-2; See however P”M 432 A”A 5

[23] Shemen Hamaor ibid

[24] Kiddushin 32a

[25] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:13; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 376 footnotes 83-93

[26] See Pirush Hamishnayos of Rambam Kiddushin 1:7 [29a]; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; Ledavid Emes 5:34; Meiah Shearim 16

[27] See Tanya Rabasi 100

[28] Ledavid Emes 5:34; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 93

[29] See Meiri Kiddushin 31a; Rash and Rosh Hashaleim Peiag 1:1; Rabbeinu Baruch Kiddushin 31a; Yireim Hashaleim 222

[30] Kiddushin 31b

[31] Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1; Kiddushin 1:7; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 footnote 88

[32] Rishon Letziyon 240:7; Meshivas Nefesh 1:16-9; See Ran Kiddushin 33b

[33] Kiddushin ibid

[34] Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1

[35] See Sefer Chareidim Asei 12:4-1; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; Mechilta Yisro who learns the command of honoring one’s parents to initially be referring to honoring them in speech; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 377 and 381 footnote 140

[36] Semak Hakdama 7; 50; Kala Rabasi 3; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 378 footnote 101

[37] See Kiddushin 31a; Ralbag Parshas Yisro; Igeres Hateshuva of Rabbeinu Yona; Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68; Tochachas Chaim Toldos; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 384

[38] See Ramban and Tur on Shemos 20:11; Rabbeinu Bechayeh Shemos ibid and in Kad Hakemach Erech Kibud Av Vaeim; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 378 footnote 100

[39] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 378 footnotes 102-114

[40] Zohar 3 p. 281, brought in Tanya

[41] Sefer HaChareidim Asei 9:35-37 “From this Zohar we learned that they had a tradition that included in honoring one’s parents is to love them…. That he loves them with a tremendous powerful love just like they had love him, and then serving them will not be so difficult”; Chayeh Adam 67:1; Meiah Shearim 93; Rav Elyashiv in Koveitz Kol Torah 43:230

[42] Semak Hakdama 7; 50; Kala Rabasi 3

[43] Tosafus Rosh Kiddushin 57a; Shita Mekubetzes Bechoros 6a; Panim Meiros 2:35

The source: They learn from the extra word “Es” found in the verse Devarim 6:5 “Veahavta Es Hashem Elokecha” that is coming to include one’s father and mother. [Poskim ibid]

[44] See Teshuvas Harambam 369 [160]; Maharal Chidushei Agados Kiddushin 31a; Nesivos Olam Ahavas Hashem 1

[45] Sefer HaChareidim Asei 9:35; Chayeh Adam 67:3; Shiyurei Bracha 241:2; Lev David 19; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:23; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:16; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 378 footnotes 102-107

[46] Sefer Chareidim Asei 1:35; Shiyurei Bracha 241:2; Lev David 19; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:23

[47] Rav Chaim Shmulevitz in Sichas Mussar 5732 Mamar 29; See Koveitz Yeshurun 15 p. 474 in name of Rav SZ”A that this is not an actual obligation but just a good deed and recommendation; Chut Shani p. 264.

[48] See Shach 240:20; Kiddushin 31a; 32a; Sheilasos Samech; Igeres Hateshuva of Rabbeinu Yona; Orchos Chaim of Rosh 56; Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68; Ralbag Parshas Yisro; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 384 footnotes 193-200; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 pp. 611-612 footnotes 473

[49] Sefer Chassidim 571; See Radbaz Mamrim 6:11; Maharam Shick on Taryag Mitzvos 33

[50] Kiddushin ibid; Ralbag ibid; Igeres Hateshuva ibid; Rav Akiva Eiger ibid; Tochachas Chaim Toldos

[51] See Terumas Hadeshen 40; Darkei Moshe Y.D. 240:3; Chareidim Asei 1:26; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 197

[52] Chasam Sofer Bava Metzia 62a; See Shach ibid

[53] Sefer Chassidim 574

[54] Meshech Chochmah Parshas Ki Savo; Haemek Sheila on Sheilasos 6

[55] See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:17; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 381

[56] Sefer Chareidim Asei 12:4-1 “One is obligated to honor them with his speech to speak to them in a soft and gentle tone like one who is speaking to a king”; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; See Mechilta Yisro who learns the command of honoring one’s parents to initially be referring to honoring them in speech; Bamidbar Raba 14 that Naftali spoke with his father in a most appeasing and gentle tone; Igros Kodesh Rayatz 13:505 “Honoring one’s parents is dependent to a certain degree also on the form of speech and therefore when speaking with one’s parents it must be in a very gentle manner and with true Derech Eretz, even if one’s final response to them must be an emphatic no [for a request they make which one is not obligated to listen to]”;

[57] Meiri 32a

[58] Chasam Sofer in Toras Moshe Parshas Toldos in the name of his teacher Rav Nasan Adler that is only the Gentiles who come from Esav who are distanced from their parents who need to speak to them in the third person terminology, however Yaakov and the Jewish people who are close with their parents may speak to them directly; Aruch Hashulchan 242:38

[59] See Taz 242:14 that so should be spoken to one’s Rebbe

[60] Meiah Shearim p. 91; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 384

[61] Igeres Hateshuva of Rabbeinu Yona in end; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 385

[62] Sefer Chareidim Asei 4:1; Reishis Chochmah Perek Derech Eretz; Tochaches Chaim Parshas Toldos

[63] See Sefer Hayashar Vehatov p. 3; Orchos Rabbeinu 3:108

[64] See Semak Mitzvah 7; Sifsei Chachamim Vayikra 19:3; Sefer Cheshbonos Shel Mitzvah 33; Rashi Vayikra 10:19; Bereishis 24:50; Menoras Hamaor 4 p. 19; Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1 “Velo Midaber” and Mefarshim there [Pnei moshe; Ra’ah Poldah]; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 584 footnotes 234-240

[65] Betzel Hachochmah 2:55, 7-8

[66] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:24; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 390-391

[67] Sefer Hayirah of Rabbeinu Yona 197; Sefer Chassidim 72; See Orchos Chaim of Rosh 82

[68] Yam Shel Shlomo Bava Kama 8:50; Shut Maharshal 101; Shiyurei Kneses Hagedola Y.D. 240:5; See Bereishis 50:25; Sotah 13b; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 390

[69] Sefer Hayirah ibid; Orchos Chaim ibid

[70] Sefer Chassidim ibid

[71] Sefer Hayirah ibid; See Minchas Elazar 4:13

[72] Birkeiy Yosef 334:16 in name of Mishpat Tzedek; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:24 footnote 204

[73] Chofetz Chaim Pesicha Asei 10

[74] Kitzur SHU”A 143:21; 26:22; Maalos Hamidos Yiras Shamayim; See Zohar end of Parshas Bechukosaiy; Tanya Rabasi 100; Yuma 86a; Nedarim 64a; Igeres Hateshuva of Rabbeinu Yona; Meiah Shearim Shaar 22; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 384 and 391 footnote 290

[75] Likkutei Sichos Vol. 23 p. 427

[76] Or Hachaim Hakadosh Parshas Kedoshim; Salmas Chaim 2:40

[77] Sefer Chareidim 66:77

[78] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:15

[79] See Michaber Y.D. 239:8, based on Teshuvos Harashba Meyuchasos Leramban 272, “If one swore to live by his wife’s family, then even though that by doing so he will nullify honoring his father and mother, it is not considered that he is swearing to nullify a Mitzvah of the Torah”; Binyamin Zev 281; Maharam Shick Y.D. 208; Megillah 17a that Yaakov Avinu was punished for the 22 years that he was away from home; Shemos Raba 34; Sefer Chassidim 564; Minhagei Maharil Likkutim Tzadik; Avnei Nezer O.C. 535:11 “From the above we learn that ideally one is to live next to his parents in order to serve them”; Yifei Laleiv 3 Kuntrus Achron Y.D. 240:4; Meiah Shearim 16 [p. 71]; Ish Matzliach Y.D. 1:30; Lehoros Nasan 5:53-7; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:15 footnote 128; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379; See Likkutei Sichos 39:298 to not live next to them if doing so will cause a Nissayon in Kibbud Av Vaeim

[80] See Igros Rav Akiva Eiger Igeres 92 “Why is it my son that you are lazy in the fulfillment of the Mitzvah of honoring your parents by abstaining from writing to us a few lines of how you were doing”; Yeshuos Malko O.C. 14; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:286; Lehoros Nasan 5:53-7; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:15

[81] Sefer Chassidim 575; Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 4:20; Meiah Shearim p. 90; ; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 385 footnote 206

[82] See Admur 613:8 “One who travels to receive the face of his father or teacher… since he is going for the sake of a mitzvah”; Michaber 613:5; Yuma 77b; M”B 301:10; Divrei Malkiel 2:75; Meiah Shearim 17; Yehuda Yaaleh Y.D. 310; Hisorerus Teshuvah 4 Y.D. 9; Har Tzvi Y.D. 191; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 2:444; Nishmas Avraham Y.D. p. 150; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:15; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380 footnote 139

[83] Machaneh Chaim 1:85

[84] Meiah Shearim ibid

[85] Har Tzvi Y.D. 191 and Teshuvos Vehanhagos 2:444 in name of Rav Chaim of Brisk who when asked this question replied that since the son is able to walk to his parents’ home, the expenses of travel are not considered an expense on the side of his parents, but rather an expense of his own to ease his journey; Nishmas Avraham Y.D. p. 150 in name of Rav SZ”A that if he does not live walking distance from his parents then his parents may be asked to cover the traveling expenses, of the cheapest form of travel; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 401 footnotes 425

[86] See Michaber 240:4; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:15; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 376

[87] Michaber 240:4; Tur 240; Rambam Mamrim 6:3; Kiddushin 31b “The following matters are included within the command to honor one’s parents: One is to feed his parents food, give them to drink. Dress them. Help them enter and leave [i.e., walk].”; Tosefta Kiddushin 1:8; Rambam Sefer Hamitzvos Mitzvah 210; Sifra Yisro; Toras Kohanim Kedoshim 1; Chinuch Mitzvah 33 2

[88] Rama ibid “like a Shamash to his boss”; Tur 240; Rambam Mamrim 6:3; Chareidim Asei 5:1 “like a slave to his master”; Ralbag Parshas Yisro; Chayeh Adam 67:4; Eitz Chaim Chazan p. 19; Birkeiy Yosef 240:1; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnotes 120-121

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that a child is not obligated to serve his parent like a servant to a master and it only applies between a student and teacher. [Rishon Letziyon 242:32, brought and negated in Birkeiy Yosef ibid; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 122]

[89] Semak Hakdama 7; 50; Kala Rabasi 3; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 378 footnote 101

[90] See Sefer Chareidim Asei 12:4-1; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; Mechilta Yisro who learns the command of honoring one’s parents to initially be referring to honoring them in speech; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 377 and 381 footnote 140

[91] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:13 footnote 117

[92] Riy Milunil in Kiddushin 32a; Ran Nedarim on 38b in name of Yerushalmi

[93] Nedarim 38b “fry small fish on his behalf”; See Tosafus Yevamos 6a and Ramban ibid that this is a mere Hechsher Mitzvah

[94] Sheilasos Sheilasa 11; Tosafos Riy Hazakein Kiddushin 31b

[95] Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 9 4 p. 14; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380

[96] Riy Milunil Kiddushin 32a; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380

[97] Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 9 4 p. 14

[98] Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 9 4 p. 14; Ralbag Shemos; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380

[99] Tana Dvei Eliyahu Raba 27; Maalos Hamidos p. 58; See Meiah Shearim Shaar 23; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 382

[100] Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 9 4 p. 14; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380

[101] Story with Rebbe Tarfon in Kiddushin 31b who would help his mother to walk; Rabbeinu Chananel in Rash on the Rif Kiddushin 31b; Yireim 56; See Chazon Yechezkal on Tosefta Kiddushin 1:8

[102] Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1; Kiddushin 1:7; Meiri Kiddushin 31a

[103] See Rash Sirilio on Yerushalmi Peiah 1:2; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380 footnote 135

[104] Or Moshe 27 based on Rashi Brachos 63a

[105] Menoras Hamaor 9:4; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380

[106] Rav Elyashiv in Avnei Zikaron p. 281; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 2:444; Vayivarech Dovid 35; Derech Sicha p. 288; Mayim Amukim 2:101

[107] See Michaber and Rama E.H. 74:10; Rambam Ishus 13:14; Mishkanos Haroim Mareches Daled 20; Devar Moshe 1; Yaskil Avdi E.H. 5:58; Shevet Halevi 9:197

[108] Menoras Hamaor 9:4; Meiah Shearim17; Hisorerus Teshuvah 4 Y.D. 9; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380 footnote 137

[109] Meiah Shearim Shaar 17

[110] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:13; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 376 footnotes 83-93

[111] See Pirush Hamishnayos of Rambam Kiddushin 1:7 [29a]; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; Ledavid Emes 5:34; Meiah Shearim 16

[112] See Tanya Rabasi 100

[113] Ledavid Emes 5:34; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 93

[114] See Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Semak 50; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnote 116

[115] See Tosefta Kiddushin 1:8; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnote 117

[116] See Pesikta Rabasi 23; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnote 119

[117] Kiddushin 31b

[118] Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1; Kiddushin 1:7; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 footnote 88

[119] Rishon Letziyon 240:7; Meshivas Nefesh 1:16-9; See Ran Kiddushin 33b

[120] Sefas Emes 240:5; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 403 footnote 441

[121] Dibros Moshe Kiddushin 50 footnote 18; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 403 footnote 441

[122] Ramban Toras Hadam Inyan Keriyah p. 57; Ramban Kiddushin 33b; Ritva Bava Metzia 33a; Gilyon Tosafus in Shita Mekubetzes Bava Metzia 32a; Peri Yitzchak 1:56; See Michaber C.M. 263:1; Koveitz Hayashar Vehatov 13

[123] Kiddushin 32a “Rebbe Avahu stated: One should honor his parent as did my son Avimi. My son Avimi had five sons in the lifetime of his father, and nonetheless when his father Rebbe Avahu would come knocking on the door, he would personally run up the door to open it up for him even though he could’ve had one of the sons do so. He would also acknowledge his father’s presence right away and as he was running to open the door, he would tell him that he is coming to open it.”

[124] Menoras Hamaor 9:4; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380

[125] Meiah Shearim Shaar 23 and 32; Zohar Kedoshim 3:82; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 382

[126] Michaber 240:4; Avimai Breih Derebbe Avahu in Kiddushin 31b “Avimi, the son of Rebbe Avahu taught: It is possible for one to feed his father the best poultry meat [i.e. Petumos] and nonetheless be punished, and on the other hand it is possible for one to force one’s father to work in a flour mill and be rewarded with the world to come [if he does it with a good spirit and for good intents-Rashi].”; Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Rabbeinu Yona end of Igeres Hateshuva; Rabbeinu Yerucham 1:4; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:17; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 381-382

[127] Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1:4; Meiri Kiddushin 31b; See Michaber 249:3 regarding charity that he is lost out of the mitzvah

[128] Likkutei Sichos 19:197 printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:173 footnote 4

[129] Rama ibid

[130] Menoras Hamaor 9:4; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380

[131] Sefer Hayirah of Rabbeinu Yona 94

[132] Chareidim 12 Asei 4:1 and 18:6-1; Midrash Raba Naso 14:11 regarding Naftali; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 382

[133] See Michaber Y.D. 239:8, based on Teshuvos Harashba Meyuchasos Leramban 272, “If one swore to live by his wife’s family, then even though that by doing so he will nullify honoring his father and mother, it is not considered that he is swearing to nullify a Mitzvah of the Torah”; Binyamin Zev 281; Maharam Shick Y.D. 208; Megillah 17a that Yaakov Avinu was punished for the 22 years that he was away from home; Shemos Raba 34; Sefer Chassidim 564; Minhagei Maharil Likkutim Tzadik; Avnei Nezer O.C. 535:11 “From the above we learn that ideally one is to live next to his parents in order to serve them”; Yifei Laleiv 3 Kuntrus Achron Y.D. 240:4; Meiah Shearim 16 [p. 71]; Ish Matzliach Y.D. 1:30; Lehoros Nasan 5:53-7; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:15 footnote 128; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379; See Likkutei Sichos 39:298 to not live next to them if doing so will cause a Nissayon in Kibbud Av Vaeim

[134] Rama 240:4; Kiddushin 31a-b; Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 381

[135] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 391-408

[136] Michaber 240:5; Admur C.M. Mechira Halacha 7 “Mitzvas Kibbud Av Eino Ela Bemamon Shel Av”; Rambam Mamrim 6:3; Kiddushin 32a, as ruled Rav Nasan Bar Oshiyah and as instructed Rabanon to Rebbe Yirmiyah; Rav Huna Bar Chiya in Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Sheilasos Rav Achaia Parshas Yisro Sheila’s 56; Tosafus Kiddushin ibid in name of Sheilasos ibid and Riy and Rabbeinu Chanel; Rif Kiddushin 13b; Rosh Kiddushin 1:50; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:18-23; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 303

Other Talmudic opinions: Rav Yehuda is of the opinion that the son must pay. The Gemara then goes on to bring a Braisa in support of the first opinion based on a Hekesh between the verse of Kabed Es Hashem Mihonecha and Kabed Es Avicha, and against the opinion that the father must pay. However, the Gemara concludes with answering the contradiction according to the second opinion saying that it refers to Bittul Melacha. [Kiddushin ibid; Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 391-392] According to this opinion, some Poskim rule that the son must pay for the items that he provides his father even if his father is very wealthy. [Sheilasos 56; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 296] However, other Poskim rule that even according to this opinion the son is not required to provide the items for his father if his father could afford it, and the ramification between the two opinions regarding if providing the items is due to an obligation of honoring one’s parents or due to charity obligations. [Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:2; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 297] Even according to this opinion, the son is only obligated to provide the father with the basics and not anything extra and extravagant. [Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 298 and 368]

[137] See Shut Maharil 107 that if they can currently afford to support themselves, then the children are not obligated to support them even if the parents claim that they need the money for savings.

[138] Admur C.M. Mechira Halacha 7

[139] Rama 240:8; Shach 240:11 and Bach 240 that this applies according to all; Hamakneh Kiddushin 31b; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 613 footnote 493-495

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that all matters that a child must fulfill due to the command of fearing his parents are required to come from his own pocket even if his parents can afford to pay. [See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 613 footnote 493-494]

[140] Sefer Chassidim 582; Kesef Mishneh Mamrim 6:7; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger Kama 68; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 308-309; However, see Michaber C.M. 107:1 who implies otherwise, and Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:32

[141] Admur C.M. Mechira Halacha 7; Mayim Rabim Y.D. 49; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 406 footnote 480-481

[142] Maharsham 2:224-16; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:275; See Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid footnote 594

[143] Michaber 240:5; 251:3-4; Rambam Mamrim 6:3; Kiddushin 32a, as instructed Rabanon to Rebbe Yirmiyah; Many Amoraim in Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Sheilasos Rav Achaia Parshas Yisro Sheila’s 56; Rif Kiddushin 13b; Tosafus Kiddushin ibid in name of Sheilasos ibid and Riy and Rabbeinu Chanel and Chachmei Anglia; Rosh Kiddushin 1:50; Bahag; Semag 112; Semak 50; Rashba 2:6; 4:56; 7:451; Sefer Hayirah of Rabbeinu Tam; Rabbeinu Yerucham; Ravayah 515; Maharam 541; Mordechai Kiddushin 498; Ritva Kiddushin ibid; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:18-23 and Miluim p. 636; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 392-393; Many Rishonim in footnote 310

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the son is not obligated to support his parents even if his parents cannot afford to support themselves. [Sefer Hayirah of Rabbeinu Tam in name of Yeish Omrim; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 325]

[144] Radbaz 2:663; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:4

[145] Michaber ibid; Rambam ibid; Yerushalmi ibid; Almost all Rishonim ibid; Levush 240 [Rabbinical] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 317 and 324

The reason that this can be enforced: Although we do not regularly enforce the fulfillment of a mitzvah that contains a reward by its side, as does the mitzvah of giving charity in which G-d promises one to be blessed [see Devarim 15:10], nevertheless, charity is an exception to the rule being that it also contains a negative command against being stingy and withholding charity. [Taz 240:6; Tosafus Bava Basra 8b; see Devarim 15:7; See Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 321 and 357-359]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that we do not force the son to support his parents. [See Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 322-323]

[146] Shvus Yaakov 3:75; Gilyon Maharsha 240:5

[147] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 393-400

[148] Opinion in Rama ibid; Ran Kiddushin 13a; Opinion of Michaber ibid, as understands Taz 240:6 and Shach 240:6 and Bach 240; Beis Yosef 240 and Bach 240 and Perisha 240:8 in understanding of Rambam Mamrim 6:3 and Tur 240; Implication of Rif Kiddushin 13b and Rosh Kiddushin 1:50; Yad Rameh Kiddushin ibid; Tosafus Kiddushin 32a in name of Sheilasos , Rabbeinu Chananel and Rabbeinu Yitzchak; Rashba ibid; Sheilasos 56; Bahag Kibbud Av Vaeim; Rash Peiah 1:1; Maharam Merothenberg 541; Rashba 2:66; Taz 240:6 [and that so is the opinion also of Michaber ibid as so he explains in his commentary Beis Yosef on the Tur and hence in his opinion there is no argument between the Michaber and Rama]; Shach 240:6 that so agrees Michaber and Rama; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:18 and Miluim Os Beis for a lits of ; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 318 and 344-345, 360

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the son is obligated to support his parents due to his obligation of Kibbud Av Vaeim and not due to his charity obligations. [Understanding of Michaber ibid, as implied from Rama ibid, as learns Taz ibid and Shach ibid; Darkei Moshe 240:3 in understanding of Tur 240; Bach 240 that so is opinion of Semag Asei 212-213 and Semak 7 [50]; Sefer HaYashar Chidushim 141; Meiri Kiddushin ibid; Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Radbaz 2:633; Aruch Hashulchan 240:20 in opinion of Michaber ibid; Poskim brought in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 328, 329, 332 and Pesakim Uteshuvos Miluim ibid] Accordingly, some Poskim rule that the son is obligated to support his parents even if he cannot afford to support himself and is hence exempt from charity and will be forced to go begging for money in order to support his parents. [Rashbi in Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7, brought in Tosafus Kiddushin 32a and many Rishonim and Poskim brought in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 329 and 332 and 336 that is Rabbinical and 337] Other Poskim rule that although the son is not obligated to support his parents to a degree that will force him to go begging for his own money, nonetheless, he is obligated to support them even in excess of his charity obligations, and even if it means that he will need to limit his expenses and live a much more budgeted life. [Understanding of Michaber ibid, as implied from Rama ibid, as learns Taz ibid and Shach ibid; Darkei Moshe 240:3 in understanding of Tur 240; Bach 240 that so is opinion of Semag Asei 212-213 and Semak 50; Aruch Hashulchan 240:20 in opinion of Michaber ibid] However, other Poskim rule that in truth there is no dispute in this matter between the Michaber and Rama, and everyone agrees that the child is only required to support his parents commensurate to his charity obligations, and hence the wording of the Rama ibid. [Taz ibid] However, in truth, the Rama in Darkei Moshe explains that the Lashon of the Tur/Michaber imply that the child is obligated to support his parents even past his charity obligations, and thus the Rama clarifies that he rules otherwise. [Shach 240:6] Thus, the puzzlement is on the Taz ibid who questions the wording of the Rama ibid, and seemingly the Taz ibid forgot what the Rama himself wrote in the Darkei Moshe ibid. [Shach in Nekudos Hakesef on Taz ibid] In any event, in conclusion, both the Michaber/Rama agree that one is only obligated to support the parents from his charity funds. Furthermore, even according to the other opinion, one cannot force the child support his parents pass his charity obligations. [Poskim brought in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 334]

[149] Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:2; See Michaber 249:1; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 362

[150] Sheilasos ibid; Bahag ibid; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 347

[151] See Radbaz 2:663 “Although we take from the son under the category of charity, nonetheless it doesn’t follow the same laws of charity as by other paupers, but rather is all according to the affordability of the son and as to the ways of the world support one’s parents”; 8:166; Darkei Moshe 240 and Chasam Sofer Y.D. 229 in opinion of Tur; Amudei Arazim Mareches Nun Vav-4; Shevet Halevi 2:111-3; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:286; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 363-366

[152] Supporting according to parents’ lifestyle or according to what he needs to live: See Michaber 250:1 that one is required to support the pauper in accordance to his living standards, and hence if he was used to high living standards then he is to be supported according to those standards. Now, although this applies to the community fund and not to the individual who is not individually required to personally support a pauper according to his living standards [See Rama 250:1] nonetheless, some Poskim conclude that a son is obligated to do so on behalf of this parent. [Radbaz 2:663; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 229; Aruch Hashulchan 240:20] However, other authorities disagree and rule that the son is not obligated to support his parents pass their minimum needs even if he can afford it. [Divrei Shalom Viemes Y.D. 10] See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 152

[153] Rashba 4:56 and 7:451; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 335

[154] Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 298 and 368

[155] Rama ibid; Shach 251:5; Hagahos Mordechai Bava Basra; Semag; Piskeiy Tosafus; Meiri Kiddushin ibid; Or Zarua Tzedakah 1:26; Maharam 541; Agudah; See Michaber 251:5; Shach 240:7; Kiddushin 32a “Rav Yehuda says that a curse will befall a person who feeds his father from Maaser Ani.”; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 389-393 and 398-410

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that according to Chachamim there is no curse for supporting a parent using Maaser money even if the child is wealthy and that so is the main ruling. [Rameh Kiddushin ibid; Piskei Riaz ibid; See Rishonim and Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 394-399]

[156] Michaber 251:3; Piskei Riaz Kiddushin 32a; Rambam Matanos Aniyim 6:13; Tur Y.D. 331; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 382

[157] The reason: As it is considered shameful for the parent to live off charity money. [Chayeh Adam 67:12]

[158] Teshuvos Maharil 54 and 56 in name of Mahariy Oppenheimer; Leket Yosher 2:37; Shiyurei Kneses Hagedola 251:23; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:22 footnote 180 four various leniencies in this matter; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 411413

[159] The reason: As one is not biblical required to separate 10% of one’s earnings for charity, and hence there is no shame involved to give some of this money to one’s parents. [Shiyurei Kneses Hagedola 251:23; Derisha 251:4 in name of Maharam]

[160] Beis Yosef 240 in name of Maharam Merothenberg 541; Avkas Rochel 3; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 229 and 231; Ahavas Chesed 2:19-1; Teshuvos Vehanhaagos 3:286; Sefer Hilchos Maaser Kesafim 11:19

[161] Shevet Halevi 5:133-10; Tzedakah Umishpat 3:23; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:22 footnote 180

[162] Shach 251:5; Teshuras Shai 1:269; Tzitz Eliezer 14:92

[163] Rama 251:3; See Perisha 251:5; Derisha 251:2

[164] Teshuras Shai 1:269; See however Aruch Hashulchan 240:22 and if the father does not have even enough money to buy bread, then the son must give up his meat to buy his father bread

[165] Chasam Sofer Y.D. 229; 231; Panim Yafos on Torah Devarim 15; Shevet Halevi 5:135-4; Sefer Hilchso Maaser Kesafim 11:20See Michaber 257:9 that one should not distribute all his charity money to one pauper; See Shevet Haleci 3:125; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:286

[166] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:22 Footnote 181

[167] Teshuvos Vehanhagos 2:444 in name of Brisker Rav; Vayivarech Dovid 36; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:22; Thus, for example, one may not use charity money to pay for them to have a nurse, or be housed in an assisted living home, in order to exempt himself from personally needing to assist them and house them, as one is obligated to do these things as part of his command to honor his parents, and any matter that one is commanded to fulfill one may not use charity money to fund. [Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:22 footnote 1821]

[168] Minchas Shlomo 2:97-11; See also Maharsham 249:1; Shevet Halevi 5:133; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:22 footnote 183

[169] Vayivarech Dovid Hilchos Kibbud Av 5:26; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:22; See Michaber 71:1

[170] Rama ibid; Hagahos Maimanis; Beis Yosef; Shut Maharam 541; Hagahos Ashri Kiddushin 1:50; Shut Maharil Chadashos 107; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 369-371

[171] See Michaber 251:3; Chavos Yair 134; Aruch Hashulchan 240:38; Pischeiy Teshuvah 251:2 in name of Maharam Ziskind 19 in name of Mahram Mintz 7; Avnei Zikaron p. 304; However, see Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 424 footnote 710 in name of Menoras Hamaor Alankava 4:16 that she is exempt from supporting her parents if they are poor

The reason: As his parents-in-law are no different than any other relative, as well as that he is obligated in his father in-law’s honor. [Aruch Hashulchan ibid]

[172] Shut Maharam 541; Hagahos Ashri Kiddushin 1:50; Shut Maharil Chadashos 107

[173] Chavos Yair 134; Aruch Hashulchan 240:18

[174] Aruch Hashulchan ibid “and he also has no sons who can support him”

[175] Chavos Yair ibid; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:21 based on and Avnei Zikaron p. 304 in name of Rav Elyashiv says that the sons are to give up to 20% of their earnings while the son-in-law is to give only up to 10%.

[176] Aruch Hashulchan ibid

[177] See Shut Maharil 107; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:19; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 398 footnote 372-376

[178] See Shut Maharil 107 that if they can currently afford to support themselves, then the children are not obligated to support them even if the parents claim that they need the money for savings.

[179] Rashba 4:56; Chelek Levi Y.D. 105; Shevet Halevi 2:111-3

[180] Hamakneh Kiddushin 32a; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:2; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 373

[181] See Chasam Sofer Y.D. 229; Sefer Chassidim 573; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 375-376

[182] Maharil ibid; Chavos Yair 134; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 229; Aruch Hashulchan 240:18; See Sefer Chassidim 582; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 374

[183] Sefer Chassidim 582; Kesef Mishneh Mamrim 6:7; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger Kama 68

[184] Michaber 253:1

[185] Mishpat Kasuv Y.D. 20

[186] See Michaber and Rama Y.D. 251:3; Rambam Matanos Aniyim 10:16; Bava Metzia 71a; Tana Dvei Eliyahu Raba 27; Chayeh Adam 67:12; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 229; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 393 footnotes 313-318 and 346, 356

[187] See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:18 and 251:4

[188] Rama 251:3; perisha 251:5

[189] See Shach 240:4; 249:3; Rishon Letziyon 240; Beis Shmuel E.H. 71:3; Rabbeinu Yerucham 23:5; Maharam Merothenberg 75; Chelek Levi Y.D. 105; However, see also Rashba 1:56; Tosafus Rosh Kiddushin 32a; Meiri Kiddushin ibid; Chasam Sofer 229; Shoel Vinishal 2:110

[190] Michaber ibid; Tur 240:5, based on Rosh ibid based on Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Ran Kiddushin 13b; Rabbeinu Shimshon Peiah 1:1; Hagahos Maimanis Mamrim 6 Os Daled; Semag Asei 112-113; Bach 240 according to Semag and Semak that this applies even according to Poskim of Shel Av; See Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 348-355

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that a child is obligated to even go begging for money for the sake of supporting his parents. [Rashbi in Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7, brought in Tosafus Kiddushin 32a and many Rishonim and Poskim brought in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 329 and 332 and 336 that is Rabbinical; Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Sefer Hachareidim Asei 5:1] Alternatively, he must get a job for the sake of supporting his parents. [Semak; Semag; Kad Hakemach; Brought in Bach 240; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 338-342]

[191] Setimas Haposkim ibid; Bach 240; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 354-355

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that a child is obligated to get a job for the sake of supporting his parents. [Semak; Semag; Kad Hakemach; Bach ibid according to opinion of Shel Ben; Poskim Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 338-342] Some Poskim learn that this obligation according to these Poskim applies even though he is not obligated to go begging for money. [Bach 240; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 341-342]

[192] Shach 240:5; Bach 240; Rosh Kiddushin 1:50; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 351

The reason: As one is not required to shame himself on behalf of his parents if the shameful activity does not contain any intrinsic honor first parents. [Bach ibid]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that a child is obligated to support his parents with his own money even if it means that he will have to go begging for money for the sake of supporting himself. [Chayeh Adam 67:12 in name of some Poskim; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 337 and 343 and 349] Some Poskim argue on the above and rule that indeed he is obligated to go begging for money either on his own behalf or on behalf of his father and it is his choice to choose whether to give his money to his father and then go beg for himself or to keep his money for himself and go beg for his father. [Chazon Ish Kiddushin 32a; See Even Yisrael Kiddushin ibid]

[193] Avnei Zikaron p. 303

[194] Imrei Yosher 2:180; Shevet Halevi 2:111-3; Rishonim and Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 348

[195] Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:8; Nishmas Kol Chaiy 1:57; Pada Es Avraham Mareches Chaf 1

[196] Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:8; Aruch Hashulchan 240:22 regarding one’s mother; See Kesubos 67a

[197] See Radbaz 2:663 “Although we take from the son under the category of charity, nonetheless it doesn’t follow the same laws of charity as by other paupers, but rather is all according to the affordability of the son and as to the ways of the world support one’s parents”; 8:166; Darkei Moshe 240 and Chasam Sofer Y.D. 229 in opinion of Tur; Amudei Arazim Mareches Nun Vav-4; Shevet Halevi 2:111-3; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:286; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 363-366

[198] Rishon Letziyon 240

[199] Chasam Sofer Y.D. 229, brought and questioned in Shevilei Dovid 240, Shevet Halevi 2:111-3; 125; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:286.

[200] Rama 240:8 that even according to the opinion who permits a son to confront his parent to stop them from throwing his money into the sea, it is only permitted in this case in which a loss will occur to the current possessions of the son. However, even according to this opinion it is forbidden for the son to confront his father and stop them from causing him a loss of profit.; Taz 240:10 based on Kiddushin 31a which states regarding a certain Gentile from the city of Ashkelon who lost the ability to profit money due to him honoring his father; Rishonim brought in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 402 footnote 427-428 [Ramban, Ritva, Ran, Nimukei Yosef]

[201] Tosafus and other Rishonim in Bava Metzia 33a; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 406 footnote 477

[202] Shut Maharanach in Mayim Amukim 101; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 403 footnote 440

[203] The reason: As being that this is the son’s business this is considered an active loss of money and not simply a loss of profit. [Poskim ibid]

[204] Shut Maharanach in Mayim Amukim 101; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 403 footnote 440

[205] Sefas Emes 240:5; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 403 footnote 441

[206] Dibros Moshe Kiddushin 50 footnote 18; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 403 footnote 441

[207] See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:23; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 396 footnote 350; p. 400-401 footnotes 414-424

[208] Michaber 240:5; Kiddushin 32a in its explanation of Braisa that one must honor his father even with Chisaron Kis; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 401 footnotes 415, 424

[209] Ramban, Ritva, Nimukeiy Yosef, Tosafus Harosh on Kiddushin 31b regarding story of Dama Ben Nesina who lost a profit of 600,000 in order not to wake up his father; Ran Kiddushin 13a; Maharsham 3:113; However, some Rishonim learn from the above story that one must accept a loss of profit rather than cause pain to his parents, but not in order to necessarily do an act of honor. [2^nd answer in Tosafus Rosh and Ran ibid; Maharam Mintz 32; Chasam Sofer Bava Metzia 62a]

[210] Tosafus Kiddushin 32a; Hagahos Beis Meir on Shas; Dibros Moshe Kiddushin 50 footnote 21; Chut Shani 240:9; See Avnei Zikaron p. 311

[211] Hagahos Mitzpeh Eisan Kiddushin ibid

[212] Rishon Letziyon 240:5; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:8; Shevet Halevi 2:111; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 401 footnotes 421-

[213] Michaber ibid; Tur 240:5 in name of Rameh; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1:4 15:3 in name of Rameh; Radbaz 2:663; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 401 footnotes 416-420, 424

The reason: As even regarding the honor of G-d one is not required to quit his job and go begging on the streets for the sake of visiting the sick and comforting mourners. [Taz 240:7; Rabbeinu Yerucham ibid, brought in brought in Beir Hagoleh ibid]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that a son must quit his job on behalf of assisting his parents even if he does not have enough food for that day. [Rash Peiah 1:1; Aguda beginning of Peiah; Biur Hagr”a 240:14 as explained in Shevet Halevi 2:111; Vayeishev Moshe 2:55]

[214] Rama C.M. 333:5; Shach 333:26; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:23 footnote 185

[215] Maharil Diskin 1:24

[216] Aruch Hashulchan 240:21

[217] Admur C.M. Mechira Halacha 7; Michaber C.M. 107:1; Hagahos Ashri Kesubos 9:14; Smeh 107; Gilyon Maharsha 240; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:32

[218] See Michaber Y.D. 240:7; Rambam Mamarim 3:6; Kiddushin 31b “When Rav Yosef heard the steps of his mother, he replied that he needs to stand up for the divine presence which is arriving.” and 33b; Kibbud Moreh chapter 9; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:25-28; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 382-383; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 609 footnote 456-457

Sources from standing for a Rebbe: The detailed laws and scenarios of standing for an individual are recorded in chapter 244 in reference to standing for a Rebbe, and in general the Poskim rule that these laws likewise apply towards one’s parent, unless explicitly stated otherwise. [See Rambam Mamarim 6:3; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 206 and 231]

[219] Michaber Y.D. 240:7; Rambam Mamarim 3:6; Kiddushin 31b and 33b

Blind: The obligation to stand for a parent applies even if the parent is blind r”l. [Shaar Efraim 78; Hagahos Rav Akiva Eiger 240:7; Ben Ish Chaiy Parshas Ki Seitzei 2:15] Likewise, a blind child is obligated to stand for his parent. [Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:6; Nachalas Tzvi in length; Chadrei Deiah 240; Ben Ish Chaiy Parshas Ki Seitzei 2:15] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 168-169

[220] Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 165

[221] Shut Ravi Avad 240; Sefer Chareidim Asei beginning of Chapter 6; Chayeh Adam 67:7; Birkeiy Yosef 282:1; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:7; Aruch Hashulchan 240:24; Gemara Kiddushin 30b; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:25; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 161

[222] The reason: This is included in the Mitzvah of honoring one’s parents. [Rambam Mamarim 3; Aruch Hashulchan 240:24] Alternatively, it is included in the Mitzvah of fearing one’s parents. [Pischeiy Teshuvah 244:3]

[223] Heard from Rabbi Leibel Groner; Rav Ashel Lemel Hakohen told me that he too was accustomed to stand for his father/mother when they would enter their home.

[224] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 170-172

[225] Rav Yosef in Kiddushin 31b; Gilyon Maharsha 240 based on Rama 282:2; Aruch Hashulchan 240:24; Shaar Efraim 78

[226] Sefer Hamakneh Kiddushin 33b; Birkeiy Yosef 240:1; Chayeh Adam 67:7; Shevet Halevi 2:111-4, based on Shach 282:3; Implication of Pischeiy Teshuvah 244:3 and Rambam Mamrim 6:3

[227] The reason: This is like the ruling regarding standing for one’s main teacher in which we follow Malei Einav.

[228] Poskim ibid

Other opinions: Some Poskim ruler one is only required to stand for one’s parent when the parent enters within 266 cubits [i.e., 160/130 meters] of oneself. [See Shach 242:8 in name of Semak 52; Sefas Emes 242; Sefer Morah Horim Ukevodam 5:6 in name of Rav Elyashiv]

[229] Rishon Letziyon 242:34

[230] Beis Yosef 282, brought in Shach 282:3; Birkeiy Yosef 240:1; Yifei Laleiv 3:15; Shevet Halevi 2:111-4

[231] Michaber 244:3; Kiddushin 32b

[232] Sefer Hamakneh Kiddushin 33b; Birkeiy Yosef 240:1; Chayeh Adam 67:7; Shevet Halevi 2:111-4, based on Shach 282:3; Implication of Pischeiy Teshuvah 244:3 and Rambam Mamrim 6:3

[233] So rule regarding a Rebbe and the same would apply regarding a parent: Michaber 242:18; Hagahos Rav Akiva Eiger 242:18; P”M O.C. 142 M”Z; See Minchas Shlomo 1:33

[234] Chayeh Adam 67:7; Aruch Hashulchan 240:24

[235] Sefer Chareidim Mitzvos Hateluyos Beretz Yisrael 4; See M”A 141:2; Birkeiy Yosef C.M. 17:4

[236] See Rama 242:16; Kiddushin 33b; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:26; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 173-175

[237] Tur in name of Rambam Talmud Torah 6:8 regarding one’s Rebbe; Stam Opinion in Chayeh Adam 67:7; Aruch Hashulchan 240:24; Shevet Halevi 2:111-4

[238] The reason: As the honor of his parent should not be any greater than the honor of his teacher or Hashem in Kerias Shema. [Aruch Hashulchan ibid; See Taz 242:12; Kiddushin 33b]

[239] Rama ibid; Chayeh Adam 67:7

[240] Shach 242:36 based on wording of Rama ibid; Bach 242 and Semag 13 who write “not obligated”; however, the Rambam, Tur and other Poskim write “not permitted.” The Rama ibid hence interprets this to mean “not obligated.” [Shach ibid]

[241] 2^nd opinion in Chayeh Adam 67:7; So rule regarding a Rebbe: Shach 242:37 in name of Rosh Tur; Levush 242:16; Sefer Chassidim 23; Mordechai Kiddushin 499 in name of Rabbeinu Baruch; Sefer Chareidim Asei beginning of Chapter 6; Birkeiy Yosef 242:21.

[242] Aruch Hashulchan 240:24

[243] Aruch Hashulchan ibid

[244] Chayeh Adam 66:7 records both opinions; Aruch Hashulchan 240:24 leaves this matter in question; Dibros Moshe Kiddushin 50 footnote 32; Avnei Yashpei 1:185

[245] Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid; See Rosh Kiddushin 1:57

[246] Sefer Chassidim 91; Beir Heiytiv 240:9; Aruch Hashulchan 240:33; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:12; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 176

[247] Michaber 240:19; Kiddushin 32a; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:26

[248] Sefer Chassidim 339; See Shut Harivash 220; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 426

[249] Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:276; 5:274; Sheilas Rav 1:18 in name of Rav Chaim Kanievsky; Kibbud Umoreh 9:6

[250] Tosafus Kiddushin 32a; See Kibbud Umoreh 9:6

[251] Chut Shani 240:7; Teshuvos Vehanhagos ibid

[252] Sefer Chassidim 339

[253] Ritva Kiddushin 32a; Kitzur Piskeiy Harosh Kiddushin 1:53; Shut Haradbaz 8:165; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:26 and 51; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 763

[254] Michaber 240:7; Tur 240; Rosh Kiddushin 1:57; Rameh, Riaz and Piskei Rid Kiddushin ibid; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:28; See Likkutei Sichos 5:310; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 427 footnote 749 that Rebbe Yehoshua Ben Levi stood up for his son; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit footnote 1055-1056; See Kiddushin 33b that the Talmud leaves this matter in question, and these Rishonim hold that we must be stringent on both sides; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 450 footnotes 1034-1068

[255] Regarding if this applies only if the son is his main Torah teacher [i.e. Rabo Hamuvhak] or even if he simply is one of his teachers, see: Amudei Arazim on Yireim 56:6; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:5

[256] Shach 240:10; Rambam Mamrim 6:4; Rabbeinu Chananel; Teshuvos Harameh 71; Radbaz Mamarim 6:4; Rishon Letziyon 240:7; Chaim Sheol 2:43; Mitzpeh Aryeh 8; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 451 footnote 1049-1054; See Kiddushin 33b that the Talmud leaves this matter in question, and these Rishonim hold that practically we conclude that only the son must stand

[257] Rashal Kiddushin 1:72; Sefas Emes 240

[258] The Maharam was stringent in this matter that from the day that he became a Torah leader, he did not go to greet his father, and he did not want his father to come to greet him in order so they do not enter the question of who is to stand on behalf of whom. [Taz 240:9; Rosh Kiddushin 1:57; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1:4; Radbaz 8:165; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 452 footnotes 1057-1058]

[259] Beis Yosef 240 in 2^nd answer; Darkei Moshe 240:2; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:26; See Ran Kiddushin 13a; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 451 footnote 146

[260] Michaber 244:2; 242:16; Kiddushin 33b; Rashi ibid

[261] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:25

[262] Pischeiy Teshuvah 244:3 in name of Lechem Mishneh Talmud Torah 6:2; Gesher Hachaim 20; See Michaber 244:4; Kiddushin 32b

[263] The reason: As the verse states “Stand and honor” from which we learn that only when the standing respects and honors the person must one stand. [Michaber ibid]

Rabo Hamuvhak/Ones Rebbe: Some Poskim rule that the above allowance not to stand applies even towards one’s main Rebbe, Rabo Hamuvhak. [Lechem Mishneh Talmud Torah 6, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 244:3] Others however rule that it does not apply by one’s main Rebbe, and one is required to stand even in a bathhouse in respect of his main Rebbe [Turei Even on Rambam ibid, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah ibid]

[264] Pischeiy Teshuvah 244:3 in name of Arba Turei Even on Rambam Talmud Torah 6:2

[265] Shach 244:3; see Admur 84:1

[266] Aruch Hashulchan 244

[267] See Rama ibid in name of many Rishonim

[268] Michaber 244:11; Abayey in Kiddushin 33b; See Chaim Shoel 71:2; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:27

[269] Meiri Kiddushin 33b; Mordechai Kiddushin 499 in name of Rabbeinu Baruch, brought in Darkei Moshe 244:3

[270] Rokeiach 369; Birkeiy Yosef 244:1; Ben Ish Chaiy Ki Seitzei 2:15; Salmas Chaim 48; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:27

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that one is not to stand for a parent in middle of prayer starting from Korbanos, as one does not show honor to a student in the presence of his master. [Opinion recorded and negated in Birkeiy Yosef ibid] The counterargument to this claim is that in truth standing for one’s parent fulfills a command of G-d and is hence not considered to be belittling to Hashem. [Salmas Chaim ibid] Likewise, we do not apply the rule here that since one is involved in one Mitzvah that therefore he is exempt from another mitzvah, as there is no trouble in one standing up and hence one can fulfill both Mitzvos. [See Rama 38:8; Gur Aryeh Maharal Bereishis 46:29]

[271] Birkeiy Yosef ibid based on Brachos 14a

[272] Tzitz Eliezer 14:10; Az Nidbaru 2:4; Shevet Halevi 6:146; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:27

[273] Sefer Chassidim 930; Chida in Shiyurei Bracha 244 [Unlike Chaim Sheol 71]; Shevet Halevi 6:146

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that one is required to stand for a parent even while holding a Torah scroll. [Chaim Sheol 71]

[274] Shevet Halevi 6:146

[275] Rama Y.D. 376:1

[276] Aruch Hashulchan 376:4; Ramban in Toras Hadam; Rabbeinu Yerucham 25; brought in Nitei Gavriel 89:4 footnote 6

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that one is allowed to stand for a parent during Shiva, and it is simply not obligatory. [Kesef Mishneh Aveilus 13:5; Shvus Yaakov 3:26; See Gesher Hachaim 20; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:27 footnote 240]

[277] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:27

[278] The reason: As standing up in such a state of mourning is not considered a Hiddur. [Shvus Yaakov 3:26] Alternatively, because the Aveilim are busy. [Levush 376:1, brought in Gilyon Maharsha 376] The practical ramification is regarding Tishe Beav. [Gilyon Maharsha ibid] Alternatively, because it is forbidden to tell the Avel to sit down. [Aruch Hashulchan ibid] See Pesakim Uteshuvos Miluim p. 636

[279] Teshuvah Meahava 3 376; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 89:4 footnote 7

[280] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:27

[281] See Shvus Yaakov 3:26; Levush, brought in Gilyon Maharsha 376

[282] Some Poskim rule that one is not allowed to stand during Shiva [Aruch Hashulchan 376:4; Ramban in Toras Hadam; Rabbeinu Yerucham 25; brought in Nitei Gavriel 89:4 footnote 6] Other Poskim rule that one is allowed to stand for a parent during Shiva, and it is simply not obligatory. [Kesef Mishneh Aveilus 13:5; Shvus Yaakov 3:26; See Gesher Hachaim 20; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:27 footnote 240]

[283] The reason for prohibition: As standing up in such a state of mourning is not considered a Hiddur. [Shvus Yaakov 3:26]

[284] Teshuvah Meahava 3 376; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 89:4 footnote 7

[285] Michaber 244:5

[286] The reason: As the Torah did not obligate one to honor the elderly if doing so will cause one a loss of money. [Kneses Hagedola in name of Mahariy Beiy Rav 52; Birkeiy Yosef 244 in name of Toras Kohanim; Bavli; Yerushalmi]

[287] Rama 242:18; Ben Ish Chaiy Ki Seitzei 2:13

[288] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 376

[289] Tanya Rabasi 6

[290] Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 376 footnote 93

[291] Ledavid Emes 5:34

[292] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:24; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 390-391

[293] Sefer Hayirah of Rabbeinu Yona 197; Sefer Chassidim 72; See Orchos Chaim of Rosh 82

[294] Yam Shel Shlomo Bava Kama 8:50; Shut Maharshal 101; Shiyurei Kneses Hagedola Y.D. 240:5; See Bereishis 50:25; Sotah 13b; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 390

[295] Sefer Hayirah ibid; Orchos Chaim ibid

[296] Sefer Chassidim ibid

[297] Sefer Hayirah ibid; See Minchas Elazar 4:13

[298] Sefer Chareidim 66:77

[299] Tur Y.D. 240; Rambam Mamrim 6:4; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 388-390

[300] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 388-390

[301] Michaber 240:6; Tur Y.D. 240; Rambam Mamrim 6:4; Kiddushin 31b “How does one honor his parent in their lifetime? If one is in an area where people respect and honor his father then if he needs from them a favor, he should not request it on behalf of himself, but rather request it out of respect for his father.”; See Pesakim Ueteshuvos 240:24; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 388-390

Depending a matter on one’s father when he was sent by him on a mission: See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 390 footnotes 271-275

[302] Chayeh Adam 67:5; Implication of Beis Yosef 240 in name of Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1-4; Implication of Poskim in next footnote

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that if one’s honor is considered greater than one’s father then one should specifically ask for the favor on his behalf. [Opinion in Rishon Letziyon 240]

[303] Shach 240:9; Taz 240:8; Levush 240:6; Tur 240; Rashi Kiddushin 31a; Tosafus Riy Hazakein; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 389 footnote 263-264

[304] Shach 240:8; Perisha 240; Chayeh Adam 67:5; See Pesakim Ueteshuvos 240:24 footnote 196; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 389 footnote 269-270

[305] Rishon Letziyon 240; Tosafus Riy Hazakein Kiddushin ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 389 footnote 267-268

[306] Shach 240:9; Taz 240:8; Darkei Moshe 240:4; Beis Yosef 240; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1 4:15 in name of Rameh; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 389 footnote 263-264

[307] Nachalas Tzvi 240:6; Aruch Hashulchan 240:23; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 389 footnote 259

[308] Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:10; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 260

[309] Semak Mitzvah 50; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 390 footnote 274

[310] Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 4 p. 23; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 390 footnote 275

[311] Yosef Ometz Dinei Shloshim Veyud Beis Chodesh; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 261

[312] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 390 footnote 276-280

[313] Meiah Shearim Shaar 19

[314] Arizal in Shaar Hamitzvos in name of Ramban; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 390 footnote 278

[315] See Ramban and Tur on Shemos 20:11; Rabbeinu Bechayeh Shemos ibid and in Kad Hakemach Erech Kibud Av Vaeim; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 378 footnote 100

[316] Michaber 240:12; Rambam Mamrim 6:13; Kiddushin 32a “Elazar Ben Masya taught: If one’s father asks him to bring him a cup of water, and at the same time there is a mitzvah that he is able to fulfill, then he should perform the mitzvah and put aside the mitzvah to honor his father, as both he and his father are obligated in the midst. Isi Ben Yehuda stated that in the event that the mitzvah can be done by another, then it should be done by another, while he should go and honor his father. Rav stated that the law follows the opinion of Isi Ben Yehuda”; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1, 4:15 in name of Rosh; See Michaber 246:18; Shach 240:14; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:39; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 440-444

[317] Setimas Michaber ibid; Maharam Ben Chaviv 112; Machaneh Chaim 1:85 in opinion of Rambam and Tur; Meiah Shearim p. 270; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 949

Other Opinions: Some Poskim rule that one is only to precede those mitzvah’s that are an equal obligation upon him and his father, such as a funeral or burial, however those mitzvah’s that are a personal obligation on one’s body, such as prayer, does not take precedence over honoring his father. [Machaneh Chaim 1:85; Haemek Sheilasa 19:7; Chut Shani 240:16; See Tosafus Harosh Yevamos 5b; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 948]

[318] Michaber ibid; Rambam ibid; Isi Ben Yehuda in Kiddushin ibid; Bahag; Riy Milunil; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 927-931

The reason: As we do not differ one Mitzvah due to another Mitzvah. [Rambam ibid]

[319] Michaber ibid; Rambam ibid; Elazar Ben Masya in Kiddushin ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 923-926

The reason: As he and his father are both obligated in the honor of G-d. [Kiddushin 32a]

[320] Rama ibid; See Sefer Chomas Yerushalayim 260; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:7; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:39; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 932

[321] Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid

[322] Torah Lishma 267

[323] Taz C.M. 266; Erech Lechem Maharikash; Chareidim Asei 1:27; Birkeiy Yosef O.C. 38:7; Sefas Emes 240; Aruch Hashulchan 240:36; See Maharshag 1:52; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 933-937

Other Opinions: Some Poskim rule that even when a son is in the midst of the fulfillment of a mitzvah of Kibbud Av Vaeim, he must stop in order to fulfill a passing mitzvah that cannot be delegated to another, and thus he is obligated to retrieve a lost item for the sake of returning it to its owner even if he is in the midst of serving his father. [Piskei Riaz Bava Metzia 2:10; See Shut Maharshag 1:52; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 940-942]

[324] Taz ibid; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 936-939

[325] Piskei Riaz Kiddushin 1:8-10; Kneses Yechezkal 35; Ashel Avraham Butchach 89; Chaim Sheol 1:5

[326] Rama ibid; Meiri Kiddushin ibid; Rabbeinu Yerucham 1:4 in name of Rosh; See Rama 38:8 regarding doing both of them simultaneously; Rishonim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 943-946

[327] See Aruch Hashulchan 240:35

[328] Rishonim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 947

[329] Michaber 240:13; Rambam Mamrim 6:13; Megillah 16b; Sheilasos 19; Rif and Rosh Kiddushin 32a; Rabbeinu Yerucham 2:1; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:40; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 344 footnotes 960-974

[330] Terumas Hadeshen 40; See Michaber 240:25; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 569 footnotes 82-90

Other Opinions: Some Poskim rule that the Mitzvah of Talmud Torah is not greater than the Mitzvah to fear one’s parents. [Hamakneh Kiddushin 31b; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 89-90]

[331] The source and reason: This can be learned from the fact that our forefather Jacob was not punished for spending his time learning in yeshiva, in place of honoring his parents, even though he was punished for the time that he spent by Lavan. [Taz 240:15; Shach 240:15; Beir Hagoleh 240:30; Megillah ibid]

[332] Perisha 240:21; Hagahos HaRadal Kiddushin 32a; Zera Yaakov Vayeitzei; See Haemek Sheila Sheilasa 19:6; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit footnote 964 and 973

The reason: Since it is possible for the father to forgive his honor, therefore it is not considered a mitzvah that cannot be done by others for which one is to nullify Torah study. [Haemek Sheila ibid] However, see Shita Mekubetzes Bava Metzia 32a in name of Rosh

[333] Meiri Moed Katan 9b in name of Gedolei Hamifarshim; Ran Moed Katan ibid; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 2:5 in name of Raavad; Yad Eliyahu Pesakim 41; Meishiv Davar 138; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit footnote 972

[334] See Michaber 246:18

[335] Yifei Laleiv 3 Y.D. 240:25; Sefer Chassidim 338; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit footnote 974

[336] Michaber 240:25; Terumas Hadeshen 40; Peri Chadash Likkutim 13; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:8; Sheilasos ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit footnote 965-968

[337] Michaber 246:18; Peri Chadash Likkutim 13; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:8; Yifei Laleiv 3:25; Biur Hagra 240:35; Chesed Lealafim 240; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:274; Chut Shani 240:17; Encyclopedia Talmudit footnote 961; See Hamakneh on Kiddushin 31b; See also Shach 240:14.

The reason: The reason that Torah study only overrides honoring one’s parents in the case that he desires to study outside of his parents’ city is because if we do not allow him to do so he may not end up learning at all. However, if he is studying Torah in the same city as his parents, then he can simply stop his learning to go honor them and go back to Torah learning afterwards. [Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid; See Or Sameiach on Rambam Talmud Torah 3:4; Admur Hilchos Talmud Torah 3:1 and Kuntrus Achron 1:1]

[338] Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid

[339] Chut Shani 240:17

[340] Likkutei Sichos 22:214 and Igros Kodesh 28:279, printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:176

[341] Michaber 240:14; Tur 240:14; Rambam Mamrim 6:14; Kiddushin 31a “A certain son of a widow asked Rebbe Eliezer as to what he is to do if his father instructed him to give him water to drink, and also his mother instructed him to bring her water to drink? Whom should he precede to be served? He answered him that he should leave his mother’s request and deal with the honor of his father as both he and his mother are both obligated in the honor of his father. The same boy then asked Rebbe Yehoshua as to what the law would be if the parents got divorced, and he replied to him in a mocking manner due to him being the son of a widow and hence the question not been relevant to him, and practically he did not answer the question.”; Mishneh Kerisus 28a; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:41-43; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 417-421 footnote 616-631

Hashavas Aveida: Regarding the mitzvah of Hashavas Aveida and that one should precede the retrieval of a lost item of his father prior to the lost item of one’s mother, see Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 639-642

Pidyon Shevuim: One’s mother comes before one’s father regarding the mitzvah of Pidyon Shevuim and charity.

[342] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 620 that this applies even if they ask the son one after the other, such as first the mother and then the father, nonetheless one is to precede the father.

[343] Menoras Hamaor 4 p. 23; Meishiv Devarim Y.D. 138:20; Mishneh Halachos 16:62; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 638; See also Har Tzevi Y.D. 198

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even if one is able to fulfill both simultaneously, he should still precede his father to his mother. [Meishiv Devarim Y.D. 138; Chukei Chaim 5 Y.D. 11:2]

[344] The reason: As one’s mother is also obligated in honoring his father which is her husband. [Shach 240:16; Kiddushin 31a; See Megillah 16b; See Derisha Y.D. 240:2; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 623 and 626] Alternatively, this is learned from the fact that Scripture precedes the father to the mother regarding the command of honor, hence teaching us that the father is to be proceeded to the mother. [Rokeiach, Ralbag and other Rishonim on Shemos 20:12; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 628]

Is this obligation to precede the father a Biblical or Rabbinical injunction? Some Poskim rule that the obligation to precede the father is merely a Rabbinical injunction. [Chaim Sheol 1:27; Erech Hashulchan O.C. 472; Tiferes Yisrael Miseches Kerisus 6:67; Sheiris Yehuda Y.D. 129; See Pischeiy Teshuva 240:10-11; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 629] Other Poskim, however, rule that it is of Biblical status. [Maharsha Kiddushin 31a; Sefer Hamakneh Kiddushin 30b; Aria Derabanon Mareches Chaf 333; Amudei Harazim on Yireim 56; Implication of Rokeiach and Ralbag on Shemos 20; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 630-631]

[345] Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:9; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 643-644

[346] See Michaber E.H. 80:4

[347] Sheiris Yehuda Y.D. 129; Cheker Halacha 3; Chazon Yechezkal on Tosefta Bava Metzia 2:13; Betzel Hachochmah 1:69-5; 5:14; Rav Elyashiv in his Hearos on Kiddushin 30b; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 645-646; See also Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Ishus 15:20; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger Kama 68

[348] Hamakneh Kiddushin 30b; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 647-648

[349] Torah Lishma 280

The reason: As the main command and mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is regarding matters which they can benefit from. [Torah Lishma ibid]

[350] Shut Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68 writes that in such a case he may precede whoever he wishes; Yad Eliyahu 1:40 rules that in such a case he must precede his mother; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:6; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 655-656

[351] Michaber ibid; Beir Hagoleh ibid based on Rif and Rambam and Rashi; See Mikdash Melech 1:56; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 624-625, 632-638

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the child should not precede one parent over the other, and he should rather try serve both simultaneously. [Rashal in Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 1:62; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1 4:15, brought in Beis Yosef 240; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:12]

[352] Meiri ibid

[353] Meishiv Devarim Y.D. 138; Chaim Sheol 27; Meiri Kiddushin 31aSee other opinions in previous footnote: Rashal in Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 1:62; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1 4:15, brought in Beis Yosef 240; Rameh Kiddushin 31a; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:12; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 635-637

[354] Givas Pinchas 3; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:6; However, see Birkeiy Yosef 240:8; Maharshal Langzum 77:3; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 650

The reason: As since there is no way of getting this right, and there is no precedence for either parent, it is better to simply be inactive [i.e., Shev Veal Taase Adif]. [Poskim ibid]

[355] Mikdash Melech 1:56

[356] Rama 376:4; Rashal in Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 63; Hagahos Rabbeinu Peretz on Tashbeitz Katan 425, brought in Bies Yosef 403; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:14; Mateh Efraim Dinei Kaddish Alef Lamateh 4; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:43; See M”A 132:2; Chaim Sheol 1:5; Birkeiy Yosef 240:8; Betzel Hachochmah 5:15-8; Beir Moshe 1:60; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 421 footnote 664-674

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule the son is not allowed to say Kaddish for his mother if his father protests. [Rivash 115, brought in M”A 132:2; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 34 footnote 38; See Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:10-11 in name of Teshuvos Rav Akiva Eiger 68]

[357] The reason: As the father transgresses the Mitzvah of Veahavta Lereiacha Kamocha and it is considered as if he is telling the child to transgress a matter of the Torah of which he is not obligated to listen to him. Alternatively, it is because saying Kaddish after a parent is considered similar to a rabbinical obligation and hence one is not required to listen to his parent who tells him not to say it. [Rashal ibid, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:14; 376:5; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid]

[358] Maracheiy Leiv 2 Derush 73; Shaareiy Ezra Y.D. 20; Kneses Hagedola 240:29; Maharshach 1:137

[359] Maharam Rothenberg, brought in Beis Yosef 376; Maharil 24; Noda Beyehuda Tinyana Even Haezer 45; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68; Many Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 649

[360] Moshav Zikeinim Vayikra 19; Mateh Efraim Dinei Kaddish Alef Lamateh 4; Divrei Malkiel 2:137; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 651

[361] The reason: As the father in such a case is asking his child to transgress the mitzvah of honoring his mother, and one is not obligated to listen to his parent to transgress a prohibition. [Poskim ibid]

[362] Moshav Zikeinim Vayikra 19; Mateh Efraim Dinei Kaddish Alef Lamateh 4; Divrei Malkiel 2:137; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 651-652

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that if the father instructs his son not listen to his mother’s request regarding a matter of honor, such as not to bring her a drink as requested, then he should listen to his father. [Yad Shaul 240:11]

[363] Maharam Rothenberg, brought in Beis Yosef 376; Maharil 24; Noda Beyehuda Tinyana Even Haezer 45; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68; Many Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 649

[364] Givas Pinchas 3; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:6; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 650

[365] Raavan Kiddushin 31b; Derech Sicha Parshas Yisro of Rav Chaim Kanievsky

[366] Pischeiy Teshuva 240:10-11; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:43; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 658-663 and 1087-1088

[367] The Rav asking the question to Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68; Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 45; Givas Pinchas 3

[368] The reason: As the mitzvah to honor a parent who is still alive is more than the Mitzvah to honor a parent who has passed away. [Noda Beyehuda ibid]

[369] Teshuvos Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68 based on Maharam and the ruling of those Poskim who rule that a father can protest against a son reciting Kaddish on behalf of his mother; Beis Av 6:265; See Betzel Hachochmah 5:15

[370] Pischeiy Teshuva 240:10; Givas Pinchas 3; Chaim Sheol 1:5; Mateh Efraim Dinei Kaddish Alef Lamateh 4; Teshuras Shaiy Kama 270; Minchas Soles 33:2; Divrei Malkiel 2:37; Nitei Nemanim 29; Chidushei Reb Reuven Yevamos 4; Betzel Hachochmah 5:15

[371] The reason: As death is no different than divorce and just like after divorce the child can proceed whichever parent he wishes so too after death. [Pischeiy Teshuva ibid]

[372] See Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 420-421 footnotes 661-

[373] See Chaim Sheol ibid; Birkeiy Yosef Y.D. 240:8; Mateh Efraim ibid.

[374] Minchas Soles 33:2; Divrei Malkiel 2:37; Nitei Nemanim 29; Chidushei Reb Reuven Yevamos 4; Betzel Hachochmah 5:15; Many Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 662-663

[375] Givas Pinchas 3; Chaim Sheol 1:5; Mateh Efraim Dinei Kaddish Alef Lamateh 4;Teshuros Shaiy Kama 270; Pischeiy Teshuva 240:10; Minchas Soles 33:2; Divrei Malkiel 2:37; Nitei Nemanim 29; Chidushei Reb Reuven Yevamos 4; Betzel Hachochmah 5:15.

[376] Teshuvos Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68 based on the ruling of those Poskim who rule that a father can protest against a son reciting Kaddish on behalf of his mother; Beis Av 6:265; See Betzel Hachochmah 5:15

[377] Rashal in Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 1:62; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:12

[378] Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:12; See Michaber 251:8

[379] Meiah Shearim Shaar 18; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 653

[380] Michaber and Rama 240:7; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 450-453; Pesakim Uteshuvos Miluim p. 637

Father versus Rebbe: Regarding what is to receive precedence, assisting a father or assisting one’s Rebbe, see Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 447-449

[381] Michaber 240:7; Tur 240; Rosh Kiddushin 1:57; Rameh, Riaz and Piskei Rid Kiddushin ibid; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:28; See Likkutei Sichos 5:310; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 427 footnote 749 that Rebbe Yehoshua Ben Levi stood up for his son; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit footnote 1055-1056; See Kiddushin 33b that the Talmud leaves this matter in question, and these Rishonim hold that we must be stringent on both sides; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 450 footnotes 1034-1068

[382] Regarding if this applies only if the son is his main Torah teacher [i.e., Rabo Hamuvhak] or even if he simply is one of his teachers, see: Amudei Arazim on Yireim 56:6; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:5

[383] Shach 240:10; Rambam Mamrim 6:4; Rabbeinu Chananel; Teshuvos Harameh 71; Radbaz Mamarim 6:4; Rishon Letziyon 240:7; Chaim Sheol 2:43; Mitzpeh Aryeh 8; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 451 footnote 1049-1054; See Kiddushin 33b that the Talmud leaves this matter in question, and these Rishonim hold that practically we conclude that only the son must stand

[384] Rashal Kiddushin 1:72; Sefas Emes 240

[385] The Maharam was stringent in this matter that from the day that he became a Torah leader, he did not go to greet his father, and he did not want his father to come to greet him in order so they do not enter the question of who is to stand on behalf of whom. [Taz 240:9; Rosh Kiddushin 1:57; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1:4; Radbaz 8:165; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 452 footnotes 1057-1058]

[386] Rama 240:7; Bach 240; Perisha 240:13; See Hagahos Rebbe Akiva Eiger 240:7; Tosefes Kesuba on Kesubos 103; Haflah Kesubos 103a; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:28; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 452 footnotes 1059-1068

[387] Taz 240:9; Rosh Kiddushin 1:57; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1:4; Radbaz 8:165; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 452 footnotes 1057-1058

[388] Radbaz 8:165; See Birkeiy Yosef 240:2; Yifei Laleiv 3:20; Aruch Hashulchan 240:26

[389] Rashal Kiddushin 1:72

[390] Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 383 footnotes 177-181

[391] Sefer Chassidim 579

[392] Shach Y.D. 242:27

[393] Aruch Hashulchan 240:11

5. Kibbud Av Va’eim-Chapter 5: The Mitzvah to Honor one’s Parents and its included obligations

J. Speaking Lashon Hara of one’s parents:[73]

K. Contradicting their opinions, words, and statements:

B. Mouth feeding an old or sick parent:[94]

C. Buying them food and drink if they can’t afford:[95]

F. Buying them clothing if they can’t afford:[98]

G. Placing them in a comfortable bed:[100]

I. Helping them with moving their furniture and bringing in groceries:[103]

T. Personally answering the door for your parent:[123]

U. Greeting one’s parents:[124]

V. Taking the initiative to serve and provide them and not wait to be asked:[125]

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J. Speaking Lashon Hara of one’s parents:[73]

K. Contradicting their opinions, words, and statements:

B. Mouth feeding an old or sick parent:[94]

C. Buying them food and drink if they can’t afford:[95]

F. Buying them clothing if they can’t afford:[98]

G. Placing them in a comfortable bed:[100]

I. Helping them with moving their furniture and bringing in groceries:[103]

T. Personally answering the door for your parent:[123]

U. Greeting one’s parents:[124]

V. Taking the initiative to serve and provide them and not wait to be asked:[125]

Was this article helpful?

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Recent Posts

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About

New! Our Sefarim are now available in E-book format

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