Chapter 23: The year of Aveilus

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Chapter 23: The year of Aveilus

The Mourning laws and customs applicable after Shloshim, throughout the first year[1]

  

 

Introduction:

The last stage of mourning covers the period after Shloshim until twelve months after the passing. When mourning a parent, some mourning restrictions continue as during the Shloshim while others cease to apply, as will be explained in this chapter. When mourning all other relatives, the mourning period concludes with the Shloshim.

The reason for mourning 12 months:[2]

The reason behind why the children continue to practice mourning customs after Shloshim, throughout the first 12 months, is because Reshaim are judged in Gehinnom for 12 months and the keeping of the mourning laws helps alleviate this judgment. By the children keeping the laws of Aveilus during this time, they fulfill the Mitzvah of Kibud Av Vaeim, which applies even after their parent’s death.[3]

 

1. The length of the period of mourning for the first year:

A. Aveilus for parents versus other relatives:[4]

The mourning period of an Avel may extend past the Shloshim, depending on the relation the Avel had with the deceased:

Passing of a parent: The mourning period for a child in mourning for a deceased parent, whether a father or mother, extends for a period of 12 months. [Not all mourning restrictions extend during this time, and certain restrictions that were applicable during the Shloshim are no longer applicable during the 12 months, as will be explained in this chapter.] Thus, in a non-leap year, the day before the Yahrzeit is the last day of the year of Aveilus.[5] Nevertheless, the custom is to continue to practice the laws of Aveilus until after the Yahrzeit of the first year, and thus in conclusion the Aveilus of the first year ends after the first Yahrzeit.[6]

Passing of all other relatives: One who is in mourning for a relative other than a parent, does not practice mourning customs past the Shloshim, and all his mourning customs cease with the day of Shloshim, [starting from sunrise[7]]. This applies also for a widow or widower who is in mourning for his/her husband/wife, that after the Shloshim, he/she is not required to keep any mourning customs[8], with exception to delaying remarrying until after a certain time, as explained in Halacha 15.

 

B. The mourning period during a leap year:[9]

Even during a leap year, the period of Aveilus for a parent extends for only 12 months, and the two months of Adar are considered two out of the 12 months of mourning.[10] [As a result, one whose 12 months of mourning for a parent occurs during leap year months of Adar, will conclude his mourning customs a month prior to the first Yahrzeit. Thus, for example, if the death/burial was on the 13th of Tishrei of a leap year then the children’s last day of Aveilus is on the 12th of Elul.]  

 

C. From when does one calculate the end of the twelve months of Aveilus-From day of Death or Burial?

In the event that the burial did not take place on the same day as the death, it is disputed amongst the Poskim as to from which day one begins the count of the 12 months. Some Poskim[11] rule that the twelve months of Aveilus is always counted from the day of burial.[12] Other Poskim[13] rule it is counted from the day of the death.[14] Practically, it is proper to be stringent to follow the day of burial [unless it is a time of need[15]].[16] [However, seemingly, according to the Chabad custom to commemorate the Yahrzeit on the day of death, and calculate a Shemua Kerova and Rechoka, from the day of death, one is also to cease the mourning customs on that day, hence following 12 months from the day of death.[17]]

When is the last day of the 12 months if the death took place on Bein Hashmashos?[18] If the death occurred during Bein Hashmashos, past sunset but prior to nightfall, Bein Hashmashos is considered like day and the first day of the first year is counted from that day.[19]

D. End of mourning-Must one keep the mourning customs throughout the last day of the 12th month?[20]

The mourning customs are kept throughout the last day of the 12th month, and do not cease upon sunrise.[21] Thus, for example, if one’s father’s or mother’s passed away on Rosh Chodesh Nissan [the 1st of Nissan] then the children practice Aveilus throughout the day of the 29th of Adar until Rosh Chodesh Nissan enters.[22] [This applies in a non-leap year. In a leap year, they are to keep the laws of Aveilus until the start of Rosh Chodesh Adar Sheiyni, as explained above.]

The day of the Yahrzeit:[23] In addition to the above, the custom is [if the year of mourning was not a leap year] to practice the laws of the year of Aveilus also on the day of the Yahrzeit of the father or mother. This is a proper custom. [This applies even if the Yahrzeit falls out on Shabbos.[24] Thus, in conclusion, in a non-leap year one keeps the laws of the year of Aveilus until after the Yahrzeit. However, in a leap year, the laws of Aveilus are ceased on the 1st day of the 13th month, which is one month prior to the Yahrzeit, and is not continued on the day of the Yahrzeit.[25]]    

Last day falls on Shabbos:[26] The above law [of keeping a Aveilus until the conclusion of the last day] applies even if the last day [or Yahrzeit[27]] falls on Shabbos, nevertheless all the 12 month customs of Aveilus are to be guarded until Motzei Shabbos.

E. Holidays:[28]

A Holiday does not break the mourning period of 12 months, unlike the law regarding Shiva and Shloshim. See Chapter 27 for the 12-month mourning laws relevant to each Holiday.

 

Summary:

Non-leap year: In a non-leap year, the laws applicable to the year of Aveilus are guarded until after the first Yahrzeit. Thus, for example, if the death/burial was on the 13th of Tishrei of a non-leap year, then the children keep the year of Aveilus until the start of the 14th of Tishrei. Once the 14th of Tishrei has begun, all customs of Aveilus cease.  

Leap year: In a leap year, the laws applicable to the year of Aveilus are guarded until the last day of the 12 months from the death. Thus, for example, if the death/burial was on the 13th of Tishrei of a leap year, then the children keep the year of Aveilus until the start of the 13th of Elul. Once the 13th of Elul has begun, all customs of Aveilus cease.  

Q&A

In the event that the Avel and the deceased were in different time zones at the time of death/burial, from when does one count the twelve months of Aveilus, from the time zone of the deceased or of the Avel?[29]

In the event that the Avel and the deceased were in different time zones at the time of death, some Poskim[30] rule one is to follow the time zone of the Avel, while others[31] rule one is to follow the time zone of the deceased. Practically, it is best to be stringent and keep the laws of Aveilus until the later date. The Yahrzeit is to be commemorated on both days, regarding both Kaddish and other matters.[32]

 

If a child became Bar/Bas Mitzvah during the year of Aveilus for a parent, is he to follow the mourning laws applicable for the 12 months?

Some Poskim[33] suggest that although in such a case the child is exempt from Shiva and Shloshim, nevertheless he/she is obligated to keep the mourning laws applicable for the first 12 months.[34] Some[35] however conclude that one who is lenient has upon whom to rely.

One is not to excessively mourn the deceased, and one who does so is showing a sign that he is mourning the death of an additional person r”l.

Crying and eulogies: The proper measurement of mourning is as follows: One is to cry the death for three days, eulogize him for seven days, and follow the mourning laws for Shloshim/12 months.

Torah Sage:[37] One may cry after the passing of a Torah sage for up to thirty days, and may eulogize him for up to 12 months.

3. Attribute of judgment hovers over the relatives:

Like a sword is over one’s neck:[38] Throughout the first three days of mourning, the Avel is to look upon himself as if a sword is resting between his shoulders. From the 4th day, until the end of Shiva, the Avel is to look upon himself as if a sword is resting in a corner opposite him. From the end of Shiva until the Shloshim the Avel is to look upon himself as if a sword is passing in front of him in the marketplace. Throughout the entire year, the severity of judgment hangs over the family of the deceased. However, if a male child is born to the family, the entire family is healed.

Friends:[39] One whose friend [or community member] passed away, the entire community is to be of worry.

Teshuvah:[40] One who does not mourn as commanded by the Sages is considered cruel. He is rather to be fearful, and worry, and perform a Cheshbon Nefesh, and do Teshuvah. [“Vehachaiy Yiten El Libo/And the living should take to heart” means that he should contemplate that perhaps he too will suddenly die, and he should thus be aroused in Teshuvah.[41]]

4. Matters of commemoration done during the first year:

See Chapter 24!

Saying Kaddish Yasom in the first year: See Chapter 26!

Being Chazan, and receiving an Aliyah during the first year: See Chapter 25!

 

5. Notable restrictions that are lifted after Shloshim, and do not apply during the 12-month mourning period:

A. One may bathe and shower for pleasure:[42]

After the conclusion of Shloshim, starting from the morning of the 30th day, the mourner may bathe and shower without restriction.

B. No Makeup restrictions:[43]

After the conclusion of Shloshim, starting from the morning of the 30th day, all mourners may apply makeup without restriction.

C. Wearing freshly laundered clothing:

After the conclusion of Shloshim, starting from the morning of the 30th day, mourners may wear freshly laundered clothing without restriction. However, restrictions still apply towards new clothing. See Halacha 12B for the full details of this subject!

D. One may shave or trim the beard [for those accustomed to do so]:

After the passing of thirty days of leaving the beard untrimmed, it is permitted for all mourners [who are generally accustomed to trim or shave] to trim or shave the beard. See Halacha 10 for the full details of this subject!

E. One may not cut one’s nails:

After the conclusion of Shloshim, starting from the morning of the 30th day, mourners may cut their nails without restriction. See Halacha 11 for the full details of this subject!

F. Getting married:

After the conclusion of Shloshim, starting from the morning of the 30th day, mourners may get married with exception to a widow and widower. See Halacha 15 for the full details of this subject!

6. Laws and customs of mourning that apply to the children of the deceased throughout the first year of mourning:

  1. One is to switch one’s seat in Shul. [See Halacha 7]
  2. There are restrictions on being greeted by others. [See Halacha 8]
  3. There are restrictions in sending and receiving gifts. [See Halacha 9]
  4. One may not take a haircut until the passing of three months, or being reprimanded. [See Halacha 10]
  5. One may not wear new, or freshly ironed, clothing. [See Halacha 12]
  6. One may not attend a wedding or other Simcha occasion such as dinners, parties, and so on. [See Halacha 13]
  7. One may not listen to music or attend a concert. [See Halacha 14]
  8. One is to diminish in business trips. [See Halacha 16]
  9. One may not go on pleasure trips and tours. [See Halacha 17]

7. Switching one’s seat:

From the letter of the law, an Avel is allowed to sit in his regular seat in Shul after the first two weeks of Aveilus. However, the custom is to switch seats throughout the entire period of mourning, which is 12 months for the mourning of a parent. It is disputed if an Avel is to change their seats in Shul on Shabbos or Yom Tov. Many Chabad Chassidim are accustomed not to change their seating area on Shabbos. For the full details of this subject, see Chapter 19 Halacha 18!

8. Greetings-An Avel greeting others and being greeted by others:

Avel greeting others:[44] After the Shiva, the Avel may greet others regularly.

After Shloshim until 12 months:[45] After the Shloshim, the Avel is considered like any other person and may be greeted. However, this only applies to one who is an Avel for relatives other than one’s parents. If, however, one is an Avel for one’s father or mother, although he may greet others beginning from the conclusion of Shiva, nevertheless others may not greet him until after 12 months.[46] [If, however, others do greet him he may answer to the greeting.] Today however many are lenient in this matter and permit to greet all Aveilim [even one who is an Avel after his father or mother[47]] once the Shloshim has passed.[48] [One is however to only be lenient regarding saying good morning and other greetings of the like, however not regarding the words “Shalom Aleichem.”[49]]

9. Presents:[50]

Sending gifts to the Avel: It is forbidden to send presents to one who is an Avel over a father or mother throughout the entire twelve months.

Shabbos and Yom Tov: Those places that are accustomed not to greet an Avel even on Shabbos may not send him a present even on Shabbos. However, those places that are accustomed to greeting an Avel on Shabbos may send him a present on Shabbos [assuming there is no Shabbos transgression involved[51]].

 Q&A

May an Avel send gifts after Shloshim?

Yes.[52] However some[53] write that a mourner is not to send foods or gifts of festivities. 

 

See Chapter 22 Halacha 14 for various Q&A on this subject regarding Shloshim and the same applies during the year of Aveilus. These Q&A include:

1.  May one send gifts to a Bar Mitzvah boy who is in Aveilus?

2. May a Chasan/Kallah send gifts to each other if one of them is in Aveilus?

3. May one send wedding presents to a Chasan or Kallah who is in Aveilus?

4. May a husband send presents to his wife when she is in Aveilus?

5. If a mourner was sent a gift may he accept it?

10. Haircut:[54]

One who is in mourning for a relative other than his parent may cut his hair after the conclusion of Shloshim. However, one who is in mourning for his father or mother may not take a haircut until [thirty days have passed[55] and] he is reprimanded by his friends for his ill-mannered appearance.[56] [However, body hair may be cut.[57]]

How long to wait if one is not reprimanded:[58]  There is a dispute amongst Poskim[59] as to when this time of reprimanding is reached [in the event that his friends do not reprimand him[60]]. Practically, the custom is that after three months [from the beginning of Aveilus[61]] one may get a haircut [even if he is not reprimanded[62]]. This is formally known as Shiur Gearah.

Trimming/Shaving the beard:[63] After the Shloshim, it is permitted for all mourners [who are generally accustomed to trim or shave] to trim or shave the beard even if the mourner has not been reprimanded.[64] [This, however, only applies if thirty days have passed from the last time one has shaved or trimmed his beard. Thus, if for whatever reason one trimmed or shaved after the start of Shloshim[65], he would have to wait until thirty days from his last trim/shave to be allowed to trim or shave.[66]]

Women:[67] The Poskim do not explicitly write that a daughter who is in mourning for a father or mother must wait past Shloshim, until Shiur Gearah, in order to cut her hair. Some understand based on this that in truth there is no Shiur Gearah by the hair of a woman, and she may thus cut her hair immediately after the Shloshim. Others, however, suggest that she should wait three months just like a man.

Does a holiday permit a haircut?[68] If during the period of Aveilus, prior to the passing of Shiur Gearah, one reaches a Holiday, the Holiday does not help remove the prohibition against taking a haircut, and it remains in place until the Shiur Gearah is met [or he is reprimanded prior to the Holiday[69] and thirty days have passed[70]].

Combing the hair: It is permitted for an Avel to comb the hair with a comb, even during Shiva. This applies for both men and women. See Chapter 19 Halacha 12 for the full details of this matter!

 

Summary:

*Includes crucial points explained in Q&A!

First month: One who is within the first month of mourning for his father or mother may not take a haircut even if he is reprimanded by his friends for his ill-mannered appearance.

2nd-3rd month: One who is within the 2nd-3rd month of mourning for his father or mother may not take a haircut unless he is reprimanded by his friends for his ill-mannered appearance.

After third month: One who is three months past the start of the mourning [Aninus] may take a haircut even if he is not reprimanded.

Q&A

May a Mohel or Sandek cut his hair in honor of a Bris prior to Shiur Gearah?[71]

No.

May one cut his hair prior to Shiur Gearah in order to keep his job or be effective in government circles?

One is to contact a Rav in such a case.[72]

May one cut the hair for medical reasons?

Some[73] suggest that it is permitted to do so.

May one cut his hair for the sake of a Mitzvah, such as if it contains a worry of Chatzitza by Tefillin?

Some Poskim[74] rule that one may cut his hair for the sake of a Mitzvah even prior to the passing of three months and Shiur Gearah.

May one shave in order to hide the mourning from a dangerously ill relative?[75]

Yes.

May a mourner cut his hair after thirty days/Shiur Gearah during the days of Sefirah?

See Chapter 27 Halacha 12B in Q&A!

 

May a mourner cut his hair after thirty days/Shiur Gearah during Bein Hametzarim?

See Chapter 27 Halacha 13D!

 

Q&A on Shiur Gearah

From when does one begin to count the three months?

Some Poskim[76] rule the three months begins from the beginning of Aveilus, which means from the time of Aninus and onwards.[77] Other Poskim[78] rule it begins from one’s last haircut. Other Poskim[79] rule one may only be lenient to count from one’s last haircut if his friends reprimanded him. Practically, one is to be stringent to count three months from the beginning of Aveilus.[80]

If three months have passed, must one wait until he is reprimanded to cut his hair?

No. If three months have passed one may cut his hair even if he is not reprimanded.[81] Nevertheless, some Poskim[82] are stringent to require reprimanding even after three months.

 

If three months has not yet passed, may he cut his hair if he is reprimanded?[83]

If one is reprimanded within thirty days from the mourning, he nevertheless remains prohibited in taking a haircut. If, however, one is reprimanded after thirty days, then one may cut his hair even prior to three months. If one is reprimanded on the thirtieth day, he may take a haircut.[84] Some are accustomed even initially to arrange to have a friend reprimand them after the passing of a few days after the Shloshim, and they then cut their hair.[85]

Must three months pass between each successive haircut taken during the 12 months?[86]

No. Once three months have passed from the beginning of Aveilus one can take as many haircuts as he desires in close proximity.[87] However, some Poskim[88] are stringent to require there to be three months between each haircut within the first twelve months, [unless it is a time of need, in which case one does not need to wait Shiur Gearah between each haircut[89]].

Q&A on Gearah

Must the mourner be reprimanded specifically by a Jew?[90]

No. It is valid even if he is reprimanded by a gentile whom one is acquainted with, such as a business partner or coworker.

May the Jew ask someone to reprimand him so he can get a haircut?[91]

No. However, he may purposely make his long hair visible in order to motivate people to do so.

Is the reprimanding valid if the people do not know that he is in mourning?[92]

Yes, it is valid even if they are unaware of his state of mourning.

 

11. Cutting nails:[93]

After Shloshim, it is permitted for an Avel to regularly cut his nails even with a vessel. This applies even if he was not admonished for having long nails. This applies even if one is an Avel for a parent. [Furthermore, one is to even be particular to cut the nails at the end of Shloshim and is not to allow them to grow any further.[94] However, some Poskim[95] rule that one who is an Avel for a parent may not cut their nails even after Shloshim, until he is admonished, as is the law regarding cutting hair. Practically, we rule like the lenient opinion.[96]]

12. Clothing:

A. Doing laundry:[97]

It is permitted to launder clothing whether for oneself or for the sake of others starting from after the Shiva.

B. Wearing freshly laundered clothing:[98]

After the Shloshim, it is permitted for an Avel to wear freshly laundered clothing without limitation. This applies even if he is an Avel for a parent. [However, according to those Poskim[99] who rule that the clothing of today which is laundered using clean water and detergent has the same status as the ironed clothing of previous times, then one who is in mourning for a father or mother may not wear a freshly laundered garment that is white and new until after the first holiday that arrives after Shloshim, as explained next.]

Freshly ironed:[100] One who is in mourning for a father or mother may not wear a freshly ironed garment that is white and new until after the first holiday that arrives after Shloshim, and [or[101]] also the passing of Shiur Gearah.[102] Some Poskim[103] however rule that today there is no longer a prohibition against wearing ironed clothing [even past Shiva, and certainly past Shloshim, even if the clothing is white and new], as today’s ironing has the same status as the laundering of previous times. [Practically, even according to the stringent approach, an Avel for a parent may wear freshly ironed clothing after Shloshim if someone else wears it in the interim, as done during Shloshim with freshly laundered clothing.[104]]

C. New clothing:[105]

From the letter of the law, it is permitted for a mourner to wear new clothing after the Shiva/Shloshim.[106] However, the custom is [for an Avel who is in mourning for a parent] to be stringent throughout the 12 months of mourning not to wear new clothing.[107] [This prohibition applies only to clothing of importance, however, other clothing which are not of importance, such as pants [or a shirt, and certainly undergarments] are permitted to be worn even if new.[108] Regarding buying new clothing without intent to wear them-see Q&A!]

In a time of need:[109] In a time of need [that one does not have other clothing available], one is to give his new clothing to another person to wear for two to three days and he may then wear it. [This allowance applies even to clothing of importance, such as a coat or Kapata and the like.[110] This allowance applies even during Shloshim.[111] It, however, does not suffice to simply place the garment on the ground.[112] If one is unable to have another wear the clothing, then in a time of need one may be lenient to wear the new clothing without having another person wear it first.[113]]

 

Summary:

An Avel for a parent is not to wear new clothing [of importance] for the first 12 months. If one does not have other clothing available, one is to give the new clothing to another person to wear for two to three days and he may then wear it. [Clothing that are not of importance, such pants, shirts, undergarments, may be worn even if new.] If another person is not available to wear the clothing for 2-3 days, then in a time of need one may be lenient to wear it without having another person wear it in the interim.

Q&A

May an Avel make clothing during the year of Aveilus?[114]

Some Poskim[115] rule it is forbidden for an Avel of a parent to make new clothing during the year of Aveilus, even if he does not plan to wear the clothing. Other Poskim[116], however, rule it is permitted to make new clothing if one does not plan to wear it.

If one tore his jacket [Keriah] may he buy and wear a new one during the first year?

Yes. One may give it to another to wear for 2-3 days, and he may then wear it.[117]

May an Avel wear new shoes during the year of Aveilus?[118]

One may do so in a time of need.

 

May an Avel sleep on new bed linen during the year of Aveilus?

Yes, as linen and bedding is not considered clothing of importance.

 

May one wear a new Kittle on Yom Kippur during the year of Aveilus?[119]

One is to have a friend wear it first for some time, and he may then wear it.

 

May one buy and wear Tefillin and a new Tallis Gadol/Katan during the year of Aveilus?[120]

It is permitted to buy Tefillin and a Tallis Katan/Gadol throughout the year of Aveilus. He may wear the Tallis Katan without giving it to another person to wear in the interim, although he may not wear the Tallis Gadol unless it is a time of need and he gives it to another to wear for 2-3 days.

 

May a Chasan who is getting married during the year of Aveilus wear new clothing?[121]

Yes.

 

Buying new items

May an Avel buy new clothing during the year of Aveilus?[122]

Yes. He however may not wear the new clothing unless one of the above exceptions apply.

 

Buying new items:[123]

It is permitted to purchase new items during the year of Aveilus without limitation. It is not necessary for another person to use the item first. Regarding buying and wearing new clothing, see above!

May one paint his home during the year of Aveilus?[124]

Yes.

May one purchase/rent a new home and move during the year of Aveilus?[125]

Yes.

 

D. Shabbos clothing:[126]

From the letter of the law, it is permitted for a mourner to wear Shabbos clothing after the Shloshim. However, some Poskim[127] rule that the custom is [for an Avel who is in mourning for a parent] to be stringent throughout the 12 months of mourning. [Practically, the custom is to wear Shabbos clothing on Shabbos[128] and Yom Tov[129], including Chol Hamoed[130]. However, one is not to wear Shabbos clothing during the week[131], unless it is a time of need.[132]]

Bris Mila:[133] An Avel who is a Baal Bris [Father of son; Mohel] may wear Shabbos clothing for the Bris.

 

Summary:

An Avel who is in mourning for a parent is not to wear Shabbos clothing during the weekdays of the first 12 months of Aveilus, unless it is a time of need. One is however to wear Shabbos clothing on Shabbos, Yom Tov, Chol Hamoed, even during Shiva.

Q&A

If one does not have Shabbos clothing available, may he wear new Shabbos clothing?[134]

If the mourner is after Shloshim, then he may wear new Shabbos clothing in such a case. [This applies even to clothing of importance, such as a Kapata.]

 

Q&A on wearing Shabbos clothing during the week

If one is accustomed to wear fancy clothing [that can be Shabbosdik] even during the week, may he wear it during the year of Aveilus?[135]

Yes. Thus, a Rav or Rosh Yeshiva who is accustomed to wear a Kapata even during weekdays may continue to wear it. However some Poskim[136] rule it is accustomed for women who are in Aveilus not to wear fancy clothing worn only by aristocrats.

May one wear Shabbos clothing for the Pidyon Haben of one’s son?[137]

Yes.

May a parent wear Shabbos clothing for the wedding of a child taking place during their Aveilus?[138]

Yes.

May one wear Shabbos clothing for Yud Tes Kisleiv and the like?

One may be lenient to do so.[139]

13. Attending a meal and joyous event:[140]

The laws of attending a meal during the year of Aveilus is similar to the laws of attending a meal during Shloshim, although contains certain leniencies. For this reason, this subject has been repeated here under the laws of the 12 months, in order to include the applicable leniencies relevant after Shloshim. All Q&A that receive the same laws as within Shloshim have not been repeated here, and please reference to chapter 22 Halacha 15 for the relevant answer.

 

 

Quick Summary

Due to the vast complexity of this subject, of an Avel participating in a meal/Simcha, we will introduce here a short-summarized version of the Halacha, of which all its complex details will be elaborated throughout the Halachas to come.

 

It is forbidden for an Avel for the passing of a parent to participate in a meal throughout the 12 months of mourning, including a Seudas Mitzvah, unless one of the following apply:

1.The meal is taking place in the home of the Avel, and it is not a wedding related meal [wedding, Sheva Brachos, engagement]. [See B]

2. One is a relative of the Baal Hasimcha, in which case we allow him to participate, or be present, by the meal as a Shamash/waiter, or even directly, depending on the relation he shares with the Baal Hasimcha. [See D-I]

3. It is not a real meal, and only light refreshments are served, without music

*Sephardim allow participating in non-wedding Seudas Mitzvahs even during Shloshim.

 

A. General rule:

Avel for passing of relatives other than parent:[141] It is permitted for an Avel over the passing of relatives other than a parent to attend a joyous meal without restriction after the conclusion of Shloshim.

Avel for passing of parent:[142] A mourner over the passing of a parent may not participate in a joyous meal throughout the entire 12 months of mourning. After the passing of 12 months, he may participate in joyous meals and events without restriction.

Leap year:[143] In the event that the year of mourning was a leap year, the two months of Adar count as two months, and after the passing of 12 months [which is one month before the Yahrzeit] he may participate in festive meals without restriction.   

B. The meals/events that are forbidden to attend-General rule:

The general rule is that an Avel of a parent may not participate in any meal of any sort during the 12 months of mourning. However, the level of prohibition and cases of exception depends on the type of meal taking place, such as if it is a Seudas Reshus [a common meal eaten with others] or a joyous Seudas Mitzvah [i.e. a wedding] or a non-joyous Seudas Mitzvah [i.e. a Bris], or a get together with friends, or on the location of the meal, as will be explained.[144]

Seudas Reshus-Party/meal of friends:[145] The prohibition against participating in meals applies even against participating with a group of friends who are making a meal.

Seudas Mitzvah-Wedding:[146] It is forbidden for a mourner over a parent to participate in any Seudas Mitzvah which contains joy during the 12 months, such as a wedding feast.

Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha:[147] Some Poskim[148] rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain joy, such as a Pidyon Haben and Bris Mila. Other Poskim[149] rule it is forbidden for an Avel to participate in a meal of a Bris Mila [or any Seudas Mitzvah even if it does not contain joy]. Practically, the custom is for a mourner for a parent to avoid eating in any meal of any sort, throughout the entire 12 months, if the meal is taking place outside his home. If, however, the meal is taking place inside of the home of the Avel, then the custom is to be lenient to participate in any meal that does not contain Simcha, such as a Seudas Bris Mila, and certainly other meals. However by a wedding meal one is to be stringent even if it takes place inside the home.[150] [In a time of absolute necessity, one may be lenient to participate in a meal even if it is taking place outside of his home, with exception to a wedding meal.[151] Furthermore, some Poskim[152] rule that even initially it is customary to be lenient to participate in a Seudas Mitzvah after Shloshim if it does not contain Simcha.]

Seuda is dependent on participation of the Avel:[153] If the Mitzvah will be nullified if the Avel does not participate, such as if he is marrying off orphans Lesheim Shamayim, then he may participate starting from after the Shloshim. [Some Poskim[154] rule that this allowance extends to any Avel whose participation in the wedding is desired by the Chasan/Kallah, and if he does not attend the Chasan/Kallah will be saddened. In such a case, the Avel may participate in the meal, and according to some[155] may even remain in the hall during the music.] 

Being invited out as guests, and inviting others as guests during Aveilus: Some Poskim[156] rule it is forbidden for an Avel for a parent within 12 months to invite guests[157], or to be invited out as guests [for a meal]. However, on Shabbos, it is permitted to do so in an area that is accustomed to greeting Aveilim on Shabbos.[158] Practically, on Shabbos one may be lenient in this matter [although not regarding participating in a public meal].[159]

Inside the home of the Avel:[160] If the meal is taking place inside of the home of the Avel then the custom is to be lenient to participate in any meal that does not contain Simcha, such as a Seudas Bris Mila, and certainly other meals.[161] [This applies whether to a meal that is defined as a Seudas Mitzvah, or a Seudas Reshus.[162]] However, by a wedding meal one is to be stringent even if it takes place inside the home.

Attending the meal on the basis of being Mishameish/waitering the meal: It is permitted in certain cases for one to participate in a meal during Shloshim, if he will waiter at the meal. See Halacha D for the full details of this matter.

Relatives attending Simchas:[163] It is permitted for certain close relatives of the Baal Hasimcha to participate in Simchas during Shloshim, as explained in Halachas E-I. See there regarding the relevant Simcha and the exact ruling for which relatives may participate, and under what circumstances.

 

Summary:

A mourner for a parent may not participate in any meal of any sort, throughout the entire 12 months, if the meal is taking place outside his home. If, however, the meal is taking place inside of the home of the Avel, then he may participate in any meal with exception to a wedding meal. [In a time of absolute necessity, one may be lenient to participate in a meal even if it is taking place outside of his home, with exception to a wedding meal. Furthermore, some Poskim rule that even initially it is customary to be lenient to participate in a Seudas Mitzvah after Shloshim. There are also certain exceptions afforded to relatives of the Baal Hasimcha, and one who will waiter at the meal, as will be explained.]

 Q&A

See chapter 22 Halacha 15 for various Q&A relevant to this topic, recorded regarding Shloshim, and the same law applies within the year of Aveilus. The Q&A include the following topics

1. Participating if a meal is not taking place-just light refreshments.

2. Participating on Shabbos and Yom Tov.

3. Having guests and being invited as a guest on Shabbos.

4. Participating in a Melaveh Malka meal.

5. Entering a Seuda to simply wish Mazal Tov to the family.

6. Eating a meal with family.

7. Wife in Aveilus going with her husband to a Simcha.

8. Participating for the sake of his Parnasa.

 

In those cases that the Avel is permitted to participate in the meal, may he do so even if there is music playing?[164]

This matter is disputed in Poskim.[165] Practically, he is not to participate in the meal while fast music is playing.[166]

 

May children below Bar Mitzvah who are in Aveilus participate in a Simcha?

Yes.[167]

 

 

C. Eating in a side room:[168]

Some Poskim[169] rule it is permitted for an Avel to eat in a side room, away from where the celebration is taking place, [and he may thus eat in a side room] together with the waiters of a wedding meal, or meal of a Bris Milah. Other Poskim[170], however, prohibit one to participate even in the side room [and he may thus not eat in a side room together with the waiters]. Practically, the custom is like the latter, stringent, opinion, and eating in the side room is forbidden. If, however, one also waiters at the meal, then we are lenient as explained next

D. Mishameish: Being a waiter and performing a service on behalf of the meal:[171]

Not in the main hall:[172] An Avel may work in the kitchen, or in the waiter’s room, during a wedding meal or Seudas Bris Milah. [He, however, is to eat alone in a side room.[173]]

In the main hall: Some Poskim[174] rule it is forbidden for an Avel to be a waiter by a meal that he may not participate in. Other Poskim[175] rule it is permitted for an Avel to be a waiter by a meal, whether a wedding meal or Seudas Bris Milah and the like. Practically, the custom is to be lenient.[176] [However, one is to only resort to this leniency if he is a relative of the Baal Hasimcha.[177] It is however absolutely forbidden to participate in the meal.[178] He is rather to eat alone in a side room.[179]]

 

Q&A

How much food must one serve by the meal to be considered a waiter?

One is to serve food to the tables just like a regular waiter.[180] Nevertheless, some[181] write the custom is to be lenient to permit even a slight service, such to pour a glass of wine for the attendees.

 

 Other services done by a meal that allow one to be present just like a waiter:[182]

The rule is that any service which one does for the meal gives one the title of a Mishameish and allows him to be present by the meal [even of a wedding], although he may not participate in the meal as stated above. These include:

· Giving over a Dvar Torah.[183]

· Helping receive the guests and show them off to their tables.

· To assist a Rav, or the elderly participants.

· Being a Mashgiach Kashrus.

· Being part of the band [if doing so is necessary for his Parnasa].

· Being part of the photography crew.

 

E. Attending a wedding, engagement party & Sheva Brachos:

*See Q&A section at the end of this Halacha regarding the law concerning close relatives, and if they may participate in the Chuppah and wedding! Also, see Q&A regarding engagement parties and Sheva Brachos.

The Chuppah:[184] It is forbidden for one who is within twelve months of mourning the passing of a parent, to attend a Chuppah, if the Chuppah is taking place inside the actual wedding hall, in the area in which the eating and dancing is taking place.[185] He may however stand outside the hall and hear the blessings.[186] If however the Chuppah is taking place elsewhere [such as in a Shul[187], or the courtyard of a Shul[188], or in a designated area that is outside of the hall’s eating and dancing area[189]] then a mourner who is past the Shloshim may attend the Chuppah.[190] [A mourner who is still within the Shloshim may not to attend the Chuppah, as explained in Chapter 22 Halacha 15E! It is permitted to attend the Chuppah even if music will be played during the ceremony.[191] However some Poskim[192] are stringent in this matter.]

The wedding meal; dancing; wedding hall:[193] An Avel may not to enter the wedding hall at all, at the time that the festivities of the Chasan and Kallah are taking place. [This refers to the meal[194], or towards the music and dancing.[195] One may not even enter to wish them Mazal Tov during this time. However, one may enter the hall to wish them Mazal Tov and the like at times that they are not eating or dancing.[196]] It goes without saying that he may not participate in the meal [or dancing]. The Avel may not participate in the wedding meal even if it is taking place in his home.[197]

Misader Kiddushin and saying the blessings under the Chuppah:[198] It is permitted for a mourner to recite the blessings of Kiddushin or Sheva Brachos [Nessuin] under the Chuppah. [Some Poskim[199] however rule this only applies if the Chuppah is taking place not in the area of the meal, such as in Shul. Other Poskim[200], however, rule this applies even if the Chuppah is taking place in a hall and the like. Regarding the wedding meal, some[201] allow him to stay for the meal so long as he does not eat there and does not remain while music is being played. The Rav may certainly stay for the wedding meal, if this is necessary for his Parnasa, although he may not eat at the meal.[202]]

Shushvinin/Escorts:[203] It is permitted for an Avel who is after the Shloshim to be a Shushvinin for the Chasan or Kallah. [He, however, may not participate in the wedding meal.[204] However some are lenient in this matter and allow the Shushvinin to even eat at the wedding meal.[205] Those who are lenient are to slightly waiter [i.e. Shimush] at the wedding.[206] Practically, one is to only be lenient if he is a relative of the Chasan/Kallah, and he is not to remain in the hall while music is playing.[207] The Shushvinin is only considered the person who escorts the Chasan/Kallah to the Chuppah from beginning to the end and not people who are honored on the way to the Chuppah to hold the candle and escort them a few steps.[208]]

Shabbos clothing:[209] It is permitted for a mourner who is serving as a Shushvinin to wear Shabbos clothing. He may wear all of his Shabbos clothing.[210] [It is, however, forbidden for a regular attendee who is an Avel to wear Shabbos clothing during the Chuppah if he is not the Shushvinin.]

Wedding is contingent on participation of Avel:[211] If the wedding will be nullified if the Avel does not participate, such as if he is marrying off orphans Lesheim Shamayim, then he may participate and eat in the meal starting from after the Shloshim. [Some Poskim[212] rule that this allowance extends to any Avel whose participation in the wedding is desired by the Chasan/Kallah and if he does not attend the Chasan/Kallah will be saddened. In such a case, the Avel may participate in the meal and according to some[213] may even remain in the hall during the music.] 

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in the wedding meal on the premises that one will help waiter the meal.

 

Summary:

The Chuppah: It is forbidden for one who is within twelve months of mourning for the passing of a parent to attend a Chuppah if the Chuppah is taking place inside the actual wedding hall. He may however stand outside the hall and hear the blessings. If, however, the Chuppah is taking place elsewhere, such as outside the hall, then a mourner who is past the Shloshim may attend the Chuppah.

The wedding meal; dancing; wedding hall: An Avel may not to enter the wedding hall at all at the time of the meal, or during the music and dancing. [One may not even enter to wish them Mazal Tov during this time. However, one may enter the hall to wish them Mazal Tov and the like when they are not eating or dancing.] The Avel may not participate in the wedding meal even if it is taking place in his home.

Misader Kiddushin and saying the blessings under the Chuppah: It is permitted for a mourner to recite the blessings of Kiddushin or Sheva Brachos [Nessuin] under the Chuppah. It is disputed if this applies even if the Chuppah is taking place in the area of the meal.

Shushvinin/Escorts: It is permitted for an Avel who is after the Shloshim to be a Shushvinin for the Chasan or Kallah. He however may not participate in the wedding meal, unless he is a relative of the Chasan/Kallah, and does not remain in the hall while music is playing.

Wedding is contingent on participation of Avel: If the wedding will be nullified if the Avel does not participate, then he may participate starting from after the Shloshim. [Some Poskim rule that this allowance extends to any Avel whose participation in the wedding is desired by the Chasan/Kallah and if he does not attend the Chasan/Kallah will be saddened. In such a case, the Avel may participate in the meal and according to some may even remain in the hall during the music.]

 

Q&A

See Chapter 22 Halacha 15E for various Q&A relevant to this topic, recorded regarding Shloshim, and the same law applies within the year of Aveilus. The Q&A include the following topics:

1. Participating if music is playing.

2. Participating for the sake of Parnasa.

3. Participating as a Musician.

4. Participation of Mara Deasra.

5. Participating if will recite Divrei Torah at the meal.

6. Participating on Lag Baomer.

 

May an Avel enter the wedding simply to wish Mazal Tov to the family?[214]

It is permitted to do so long as there is no music playing at the time he enters, and he does not participate in the meal.

 

May a relative or close friend who is an Avel attend a wedding within the year of mourning?[215]

See Chapter 22 Halacha 15E in Q&A for the sources of the rulings brought here!

*For the definition of a Mishameish, and how much one must serve-see Halacha D!

A. Parents and grandparents:

It is permitted for the parents and grandparents of the Chasan or Kallah to fully participate in the wedding even within Shloshim. This includes attending the Chuppah, eating by the meal, remaining during the music, and participate in the dancing. They are not required to do any Shimush/waitering by the meal.

B. Sibling:

The Chuppah: If the sibling will be Mishameish by the meal/Chuppah he may attend the Chuppah even within Shloshim, even if it is taking place inside the hall.

The meal/wedding hall: If a sibling who is an Avel is Mishameish by the meal, he may attend the wedding. He however may not eat by the meal and may only eat in a side room by himself. Some however are lenient and rule that he may even eat on the regular table. He is not to be present by the meal if he will not be a Mishameish by the meal unless the siblings live together and constantly eat with each other, in which case he may even join the main meal without Shimush.

Music and dancing: One may attend while soft music is being played during the meal, however one is not to be present while fast music is being played.

Shabbos clothing:[216] It is permitted for one to wear a Kapata for the wedding.

C. All other relatives [uncles/aunts, nieces/nephews; cousins, brother/sister in-laws] and close friends:

The Chuppah:[217] The Avel may attend the Chuppah if the Chuppah is taking place outside the wedding hall [i.e. in courtyard etc]. The Avel is not to attend the Chuppah if it is taking place inside the wedding hall, unless they are Mishameish by the meal or Chuppah, as explained next.

The meal/wedding hall: They are not to attend the wedding meal. In a time of need that they will be very much missed by the Chasan or Kallah, they may attend, following the same laws as a sibling, which is that they are to be Mishameish by the meal and eat by themselves in a separate room. In a time of great need this allowance may apply even to friends who are not relatives of the Chasan and Kallah.

Music and dancing: One may attend while soft music is being played during the meal, however one is not to be present while fast music is being played.

Shabbos clothing:[218] It is permitted for one to wear a Kapata for the wedding.

 

Q&A on attending meals related to a wedding

See Chapter 22 Halacha 15E in Q&A for the sources of the rulings brought here!

May an Avel attend an engagement party?

No sit-down meal: A mourner may attend an engagement party, or Lechayim/Vort, if they are not having a sit-down meal, and there is no music being played.

A sit-down meal: A mourner may not attend an engagement party or Lechayim/Vort if they are having a sit-down meal, even if there is no music being played. This applies even if the meal is taking place in the home of the Avel. However, some Poskim[219] are lenient in this matter after the Shloshim.

Parents and grandparents:[220] The parents and grandparents of the Chasan and Kallah may participate in the engagement party during Aveilus even if a meal is taking place.

Friends and relatives:[221] Friends and relatives who are in Aveilus are not to participate in the engagement party meal, unless they are Mishameish by the Seuda, in which case they may be present during the meal although must eat alone in a separate room.

May an Avel attend the Kabalas Panim that takes place prior to the Chuppah?

A mourner may attend a Kabalas Panim if a sit-down meal is not taking place, and there is no music being played. Even so. the Rebbe writes that one is only to attend if he waiters the attendees.

 

May an Avel attend a Sheva Brachos meal?

A mourner may not attend a Sheva Brachos meal, even if there is no music being played.

Part of Minyan or Panim Chadashos: If the Avel is part of the Minyan necessary to recite Sheva Brachos, [or if he is the Panim Chadashos of the meal], then he may attend the meal.

Parents and grandparents: The parents and grandparents of the Chasan and Kallah may participate in the Sheva Brachos meal during Aveilus.

Friends and relatives: Friends and relatives who are in Aveilus are not to participate in the Sheva Brachos meal, unless it is a time of great need and they are Mishameish by the Seuda, in which case they may be present during the meal although must eat alone in a separate room.

Shabbos Sheva Brachos: An Avel may not attend Shabbos Sheva Brachos unless it will be public Aveilus if one does not attend, such as if it is taking place inside his home, or he is a close relative that is expected to come.

 

May an Avel join a Sheva Brachos meal that is taking place in his home?

No. However, some are lenient in this matter, although he should not sit at the table for the meal together with everyone else, and is rather to participate from a different area of the room. One may certainly be lenient in the event that he is preparing the meal, and is considered the Baal Haseuda.

 

F. Bris:[222]

Some Poskim[223] rule an Avel of a parent during the year of Aveilus may not participate in a Seudas Bris Mila that is taking place outside of his home [even if he is invited to the meal[224] and even if the meal is dairy[225]]. Practically, the custom is for a mourner to avoid eating in any meal of any sort, throughout the period of Aveilus[226], if the meal is taking place outside his home.[227] [This however is with exception to certain cases, as explained below.] However, if the Avel is having a Seudas Bris Mila take place in his home, then he may participate in the meal. [In all cases, the Avel may participate in the actual ceremony of the Bris even outside of his home[228], including the light refreshments given afterwards[229], so long as he does not remain for the meal. One, however, may not participate while music is playing.[230]]

Bris of child:[231] If an Avel is having a Bris for his son take place during the year of Aveilus, he may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Mila. The Avel may participate in the meal even if it takes place outside of his home, if he is after Shloshim.

Mohel and Sandek:[232] If the Avel is a Mohel or Sandek during his year of Aveilus, he may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Mila. The Avel may participate in the meal even if it takes place outside of his home, if he is after Shloshim.

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in the Seudas Bris Milah on the premises that one will help waiter the meal.

 

Summary:

An Avel of a parent during the year of Aveilus may not participate in a Seudas Bris Mila that is taking place outside of his home. If the Avel is having a Seudas Bris Mila take place in his home, then he may participate in the meal. In all cases, the Avel may participate in the actual ceremony of the Bris even outside of his home, including the light refreshments given afterwards, so long as he does not remain for the meal.

Baal Bris-Bris of child within Shloshim-Mohel and Sandek: If an Avel [father or mother] is having a Bris for his son take place during Shloshim, he may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Mila, and may participate in the meal even during Shloshim, if it is taking place inside his home. The same applies if the Avel is a Mohel or Sandek.

 

Q&A

See chapter 22 Halacha 15F for various Q&A relevant to this topic, recorded regarding Shloshim, and the same law applies within the year of Aveilus. The Q&A include the following topics:

1. Participating in a Vacht Nacht

2. Participating in a Shalom Zachar

3. Participating on Shabbos

4. Grandparent participating

5. Brother or sister participating

6. Yeshiva student participating in Yeshiva

7. Guest participating in house of host

8. Participating for purposes of Parnasa

9. Waiter participating

10. Avel being a Kvater and participating

11. Rabbi participating

 

May those people who are permitted to participate in the meal do so even if there is music playing?[233]

This matter is disputed in Poskim.[234] Practically, they are not to participate in the meal while the music is playing.

 

May an Avel enter the Seuda to simply wish Mazal Tov to the family?[235]

It is permitted to do so long as there is no music playing at the time he enters, and he does not participate in the meal.

G. Pidyon Haben:[236]

The ceremony: In all cases, the Avel may participate in the actual ceremony of the Pidyon Haben even outside of his home.[237] This applies even if light refreshments will be served afterwards [prior to the meal].[238] One, however, may not participate while music is playing.[239]

The meal:[240] Some Poskim[241] rule that an Avel after the passing of a parent may not participate in a Seudas Pidyon Haben during the year of Aveilus. Practically, the custom is for a mourner to avoid eating in any meal of any sort, throughout the period of Aveilus[242], if the meal is taking place outside his home.[243] If, however, the meal is taking place inside of the home of the Avel then the custom is to be lenient to participate.

Father and mother of child:[244] It is permitted for parents who are in Aveilus to participate in the Pidyon Haben of their child and in the meal that follows. They may even wear Shabbos clothing.

Siblings/other relatives/close friends: Siblings and close relatives or friends may participate in the Pidyon Haben if they are Mishameish by the meal. They are however to eat on a separate table and not remain during the dancing.

Rav: A Rav who is an Avel may participate in a Pidyon Haben meal if he will give a speech, although he is not to eat in the meal, and is not to remain while music is being played.

Sake of Parnasa: An Avel may participate in a Pidyon Haben meal for the sake of Parnasa.

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in a meal on the premises that one will help waiter at the meal.

H. Siyum Misechta:

Some Poskim[245] rule it is permitted for an Avel after Shloshim to participate in a meal for a Siyum Misechta.[246] This however only applies if the Avel is also participated in the learning.[247] Other Poskim[248], however, rule it is forbidden to participate unless the meal is taking place in one’s home. Practically, the custom is to be stringent.[249]

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in a meal on the premises that one will help waiter at the meal.

 

Q&A

May a Bechor who is an Avel join a Siyum Misechta on Erev Pesach so he does not have to fast?[250]

Yes. If, however, a meal is taking place then he is not to participate in the meal.

 

I. Bar Mitzvah?[251]

Some[252] Poskim rule it is forbidden to attend a Bar Mitzvah unless the meal is taking place in one’s home. Other Poskim[253] rule it is permitted to participate in a Bar Mitzvah meal, after Shloshim, if the Bar Mitzvah boy will give a Drasha by the meal or it is the actual day of his Bar Mitzvah.[254] Practically, the custom is to be stringent.[255]

Boy in Aveilus who became Bar Mitzvah: A Bar Mitzvah boy in Aveilus may have his Bar Mitzvah take place as usual within his Aveilus period. He may even wear Shabbos clothing.

Parents/grandparents of Bar Mitzvah boy:[256] A parent or grandparent in Aveilus may participate in their child’s/grandchild’s Bar Mitzvah, and may also eat in the meal as usual. He may even wear Shabbos clothing.

Siblings/other relatives/close friends: Siblings, and close relatives or friends, may participate in the Bar Mitzvah if they are Mishameish by the meal. They are however to eat on a separate table and not remain during the dancing.

Rav: A Rav who is an Avel may participate in a Bar Mitzvah if he will give a speech, although he is not to eat at the meal, and is not to remain while music is being played.

Sake of Parnasa: An Avel may participate in a Bar Mitzvah for the sake of Parnasa.

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in a meal on the premises that one will help waiter at the meal.

J. Chanukas Habayis:[257]

Some Poskim[258] rule an Avel may participate in the meal of a Chanukas Habayis after Shloshim. This applies especially in Eretz Yisrael.[259] Other Poskim[260], however, rule it is forbidden to participate unless the meal is taking place in one’s home.

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in a meal on the premises that one will help waiter at the meal.

 

K. Siyum Sefer Torah:[261]

Participating in a Siyum Sefer Torah follows the same law as participating in a Siyum Misechta. Even those who are lenient, are not to participate in the music and dancing.

 

L. Chanukah:

Some Poskim[262] rule it is permitted for an Avel after Shloshim to participate in a Chanukah meal. Other Poskim[263], however, rule it is forbidden to participate unless the meal is taking place in one’s home. It is forbidden for the Avel to participate in a Chanukah party with music and dancing.

M. Purim:[264]

All mourners of a parent that are within the year of mourning may participate in a Purim party that they attend annually, so long as they do not dance, and music will not be played at the party.[265] However there are Poskim[266] who are stringent even in such a case.

 

Q&A on Other events

May an Avel during the year of Aveilus attend a Farbrengen, such as for Yud Tes Kisleiv?[267]

It is permitted to attend a Chassidic gathering [Farbrengen] that is taking place in honor of the passing of a Tzaddik, or other special event, if one feels closely related to the event.[268] This applies even if a meal is taking place. Nevertheless, it is best for one to be Mishameish by the meal.[269]

Music:[270] One may attend the event even if soft music is being played during the meal, however one is not to be present while fast music is being played.

Kapata on Yud Tes Kisleiv:[271] It is permitted for one to wear a Kapata on Yud Tes Kisleiv, if he is past the Shloshim.

May an Avel attend a Chassidishe Tish?[272]

Yes, unless a meal is taking place, or music is being sounded.

May an Avel participate in an Upshernish?[273]

Yes. He however may not participate in a sit-down meal, or while music is playing.

Father or mother of child: An Avel may make an Upshernish for his/her son, although a meal is not to be made [unless it takes place inside their home]. However, refreshments may be served.

May an Avel participate in a banquet or dinner?[274]

No, unless he is Mishameish at the meal and eats alone in a separate area.

14. Music:[275] 

It is forbidden for a mourner to listen to music during the 12 month period of Aveilus. This applies whether to live or recorded music.

 

See Chapter 22 Halacha 16 for various Q&A on this subject regarding Shloshim and the same applies during the year of Aveilus. These Q&A include:

1. May one sing during Aveilus?

2. May an Avel listen to  ACapella music?

3. May a musician who is in Aveilus play music for the sake of his Parnasa?

4. May a music teacher continue teaching during Aveilus?

5. May a teacher who is in Aveilus play music for her students?

6. May one practice music during Aveilus?

7. May an Avel be present in an area that has background music playing?

8. May one play music at home or work if there is an Avel present?

9. May an Avel participate in a Simchas Beis Hashoeiva?

10. May an Avel play music by a Simchas Beis Hashoeiva?

11. Encircling the Bima with the Lulav by Hoshanos:

12. May an Avel dance during Hakafos?

13. May a mourner who is a musician play music at a Purim party on Purim?

14. May an Avel participate in singing and dancing on Lag Baomer?

15. May an Avel join a Tahalucha for Lag Baomer if there will be music?

16. May an Avel go to Meron on Lag Baomer?

17. May an Avel join a wedding on Lag Baomer?

 

15. Getting married during the 12 months:[276]

A. All Aveilim other than widow or widower:

It is permitted even for one who is an Avel for the passing of a father or mother, to marry a woman after Shloshim, within the 12 months of Aveilus [with exception to a widow and widower as will be explained]. He may even make a wedding feast [after the Shloshim, within the 12 months].[277] [It is likewise permitted for a female Avel to marry a man after Shloshim.[278] This applies even if the couple became engaged after the start of the Aveilus.[279] Regarding marrying during Shloshim -See Chapter 22 Halacha 17!]

B. Widower remarrying:[280]

If one’s wife passed away, it is forbidden to remarry until three festivals pass [from the time she passed away[281]].[282]

The definition of a festival:[283] Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are not counted as a festival in this regard. [Hence, one only counts Pesach, Shavuos, and Sukkos. Some Poskim[284] rule that Shemini Atzeres is also considered a festival in this regard. Other Poskim[285] however are stringent. It makes no difference how much time passes, whether long or short, so long as three festivals have passed in the interim.[286] It also makes no difference if this is the husband’s first or second marriage.[287]]

If widower has not yet fulfilled Peru Urevu or has small children, or needs a wife to serve him: If the widower has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu [i.e. one male and one female child[288]] then he may remarry even during Shloshim, and may also consummate the marriage with Tashmish.[289] Likewise, if the widower has small children, or needs a wife to serve him, then he may remarry after Shiva, within Shloshim, although he may not consummate the marriage with marital relations until after the Shloshim.[290] Some Poskim[291] rule that a widower may remarry within Shloshim even if he has servants to provide him with all his needs but does not have anyone to serve him in a more intimate way that is befitting only for a wife, daughter or daughter in-law, such as to wash his hair and the like. Based on this, the custom of many has become to be lenient in this and remarry even within the three festivals.[292] Practically, a Baal Nefesh is to be stringent upon himself.

Widower marrying sister of wife:[293] A widower who has small children may marry his wife’s sister after the Shiva, during the Shloshim.[294] They however may not have marital relations until after the Shloshim [even if a Yom Tov passes in-between[295]], unless he has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, in which case they may have marital relations within the Shloshim.[296]

C. Widow remarrying:[297]

A widow completes her period of Aveilus after thirty days.[298] Nevertheless, she may not remarry after the Shloshim until a certain period of time passes, just as is the law regarding a divorcee.[299] The time period is as follows:

Not pregnant or within two years of birth: If she is not pregnant, and is not within 24 months of birth, she may remarry after the passing of 90 days from the death of the husband.[300] This applies even if the woman is not capable of bearing children, or did not have relations with her husband. The 90 days are counted beginning from the day after the death of her husband. On the 91st day she may get married. She may date [i.e. Shidduchim] and become engaged prior to the 90 days. [301]

Pregnant or within two years of birth:[302] If she is pregnant, or within 24 months from after birth, then she must wait until the baby is 24 months old in order to remarry. This applies even if she is no longer nursing her child. The 24 months is counted beginning from the day of birth of the child.[303] See our Sefer Topics in Practical Halacha Volume 2 Even Haezer 1 for the full details of this subject!

 

Summary:

It is permitted for any Avel to get married after Shloshim, during the 12 months, with exception to a widow and widower.

Widower remarrying: If one’s wife passed away, it is forbidden to remarry until the three festivals of Pesach, Shavuos, and Sukkos pass from the time she passed away, unless one of the following exceptions apply:

1. Avel did not fulfill Peru Urevu: If the widower has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, he may remarry and have Tashmish even during Shloshim.

2. Avel has small children, or needs someone to serve him: If the widower has small children, or needs someone to assist him, then he may marry her after Shiva, within Shloshim, although he may not consummate the marriage with marital relations until after the Shloshim.

Widow remarrying: A widow who is not pregnant, and is not within 24 months of birth, may remarry after the passing of 90 days from the death of her husband. She may date and become engaged prior to the 90 days. If she is pregnant, or within 24 months from after birth, she must wait until the baby is 24 months old in order to remarry.

 

Q&A

When may the widower remarry if his wife passed away Chol Hamoed Pesach and it is now a leap year?[304]

He may remarry after the passing of 12 months, prior to Pesach.

 

When getting married during the Aveilus period, may the Chasan or Kallah wear fresh clothing, shave, or get a haircut in honor of his wedding?

A Chasan and Kallah who are in Aveilus and are getting married [i.e. after Shloshim, or within Shloshim but did not fulfill Peru Urevu] may bathe, do laundry and wear fresh clothing in honor of the wedding.[305] The Chasan may also get a haircut and cut his nails on the day of the wedding.[306] If, however, both the Chasan and Kallah are Aveilim, then he may not get a haircut.[307]

When an Avel is getting married during the Aveilus period, may music be played at the wedding?[308]

Yes.[309]

 

16. Working or conducting business:[310]

It is forbidden for an Avel over the passing of his father or mother to travel afar with merchandise for purposes of business, until his friends scold him and tell him to join them.[311] However, an Avel for other relatives may travel without limitation once the Shloshim has passed.

 

17. Trips, vacations, plays, shows:[312]

It is forbidden for an Avel to participate in plays, comedy events, trips and vacations throughout the 12 month Aveilus period.[313] The main prohibition against taking trips applies against going with a group of friends and the like, in which there is much joy involved.

 

See Chapter 22 Halacha 19 for Q&A on this subject, including:

1. May an Avel travel to Kivrei Tzadikim with a group tour?

2. May an Avel take his class of students on a trip?

3. May an Avel work as a tour guide?

4. May one go to the beach during Aveilus?

5. May an Avel travel to visit family?

6. May an Avel go on vacation?

 

18. Saying Hakam, Ziyah, upon mentioning the name of the deceased:[314]

One’s parent: One is obligated to honor his father and mother even after their passing. Upon mentioning them within the 12 months, such as one who says, “My father taught me such and such”, he is to say “Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo [i.e. Hakam/הכ”מ].” After 12 months one is to say “Zichronam Livracha.”[315] There is no difference between a father and mother in this regard.[316] [Some Poskim[317] rule it is forbidden to say “Zichronam Livracha” during the 12 months and one must say Hakam. Other Poskim[318], however, rule one may always choose to say “Zichronam Livracha” rather than “Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo” even within the first 12 months and so is the custom. The Rebbe used the term Zal and Hakam on his father in-law, the Rebbe Rayatz, throughout the first year.[319] After the first year, the Rebbe did not regularly append any title to the previous Rebbe, neither in speech or in writing.]

Writing:[320] When mentioning one’s father or mother in a letter one is to write the above title. Nevertheless, some Poskim[321] rule that even within 12 months one is not required to write “Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo” and is rather to write “Zichronam Livracha.”[322] Other Poskim[323], however, are stringent to always write “Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo” within the 12 months. Practically, the custom is like the latter opinion.[324] [Other Poskim[325], however, rule one may always choose to say “Zichronam Livracha” rather than “Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo” even within the 12 months, and so is the custom. The Rebbe was accustomed to write Hakam during the first year.[326]]

One’s Rebbe:[327] When a student mentions his Rebbe within the first 12 months of his passing, he must say Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo. [This applies even when mentioning him in writing[328], and so was the Rebbe’s custom.]

Other people:[329] It is customary to recite Zichrono Livracha when mentioning a person who passed away, even if it is not one’s father and it is past the first year.

 

19. Visting the cemetery at the conclusion of the 12th month:

Some are accustomed to go to the cemetery and visit the grave of the deceased on the last day of mourning, which is the last day of the 12th month. Many who do so do not visit the cemetery again on the day of the Yahrzeit during that first year. See Chapter 31 Halacha 3C for the full details of this subject! See Halacha 1C for a dispute regarding if the last day of the 12 months is calculated from the day of death or from the day of burial, and the Chabad custom is to follow the day of death.

 _______________________________

[1] See Pnei Baruch 33; Nitei Gavriel Volume 2 62

[2] See Taz Y.D. 402:9; O.C. 568:4; Maharam Merothenberg Semachos 50; Mavor Yabok Sifsei Emes 20 and 21; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:1

[3] See Shach 344:9

[4] Michaber 380:25 regarding traveling for business; 385:1 regarding Sheilas Shalom; 391:2 regarding festive meals; Shach 392:3 regarding all laws of Aveilus

[5] Michaber 395:3

[6] Rama 395:3

[7] Michaber 395:1; Shach 395:1; Kitzur SHU”A 216:2; Sefer Haparnes 220

[8] Rama 392:2 regarding a widower entering Beis Hamishteh; Shach 392:2 regarding a widow and 392:3 regarding a widower.

Custom of some widows: Some women are accustomed to mourning for a full 12 months even though there is no need or source that suggests for them to do so. Perhaps however they do so for the sake of their sons who are in Aveilus for 12 months. [Taz 392:3] See however Gilyon Maharsha 392 that from the verse “Gamalashu Tov Velo Ra Kol Yimei Chayeha” one can learn that a good wife will not desire to remarry her entire life and view herself as if she is forever married to her late husband. See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:3 footnote 6

[9] Michaber 391:2 regarding festive meals that “Even in a leap year he is permitted after 12 months” [See Nekudos Hakesef 391:1]; Rosh in name of Ravaya; Shach 391:2; 395:3; Taz 391:1 “All Aveilus ends after 12 months even in a leap year, and those that continue the mourning customs into the 13th month have no source and are certainly doing a worthless act”; Bach 391; Chochmas Adam 166:8; Kitzur SHU”A 216:3; Beis Yitzchak 2:157; Maharsham 3:205-8; Mateh Ephraim 3:3 regarding Kaddish; P”M 55 A”A 10 regarding Kaddish; Nitei Gavriel 34:4; Vol. 2 62:5

Other opinions: Some Poskim question that perhaps the extra month of a leap year is considered part of the 12 months, and hence one must also keep Aveilus in the 13th month, until the Yahrzeit. [See Beis Hillel 391; Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 6 in name of Beis Lechem Yehuda and Chochmas Shlomo; Lechem Hapanim in Kitzur SHU”A 26:17; Beis Yitzchak ibid; Maharsham ibid; Mateh Ephraim ibid; P”M ibid]

[10] The reason: As nowhere do we find written that the Aveilus period extends for “a year” or “until the Yahrzeit” and rather in all areas it states “for 12 months.” [Beir Hagoleh ibid]

[11] Shach 402:10 and Nekudos Hakesef 402; Masas Binyamin 84, brought in Shach 402:10 and Taz 402:8; Implication of Terumos Hadeshen 292, as brought in Chidushei Hagershoni [However Taz O.C. 568:4 argues]

[12] The reason: As the Shiva/Aveilus only begins after the burial, and hence the 12 months must be counted from that time and not from the time of death. [Masas Binyamin ibid] Likewise, the 12 months of Reshaim in Gehinnom begins from the burial and not from the death, and hence certainly one must practice Aveilus until the end of these 12 months of judgment. No proof can hence be brought from the fact that one who heard of the death six months late that he only has to keep six months and does not begin the 12 months from his start of Aveilus, as the judgment of the 12 months already began from the time of burial. [Nekudos Hakesef ibid; Chidushei Hagershoni]

[13] Taz Y.D. 402:9; O.C. 568:4; Beir Heiytiv 568:18

[14] The reason: “I do not believe that the above words came out of the mouth of the above Tzaddik [Rav Binyamin] as certainly no one counts the 12 months from burial but from the day of death. According to him, if one heard of the death six months later that he now has to keep 12 months from the day he heard? Certainly, this is not correct! We rule that he is to keep six months of Aveilus.” The reason for why we follow the time of death is because the entire reason behind mourning in the first year is due to that the attribute of judgment is placed on the heads of the mourners for the first year, and this ends 12 months from the day of death. Chalila to say that the attribute of judgment follows the day of burial and Reshaim can stay in Gehinnom for more than 12 months in a case that the burial and death were not on the same day. Rather, it makes no difference whether he actually kept 12 months of Aveilus or less, and we always count based on the 12 months from death. This is an occurrence we witness daily, and we have never heard of anyone suspecting for this matter. [Taz O.C. and Y.D ibid]

[15] Nitei Gavriel 34:2

[16] Kneses Yechezkal 47; Alef Lamateh Kaddish Yasom 3:5; Nitei Gavriel 34:2-3; Vol. 2 62:4

[17] This is asides for the fact that we are lenient in a dispute of Aveilus; So ruled to me Rav Eli Landa and Rav Y.S. Ginsberg that seemingly one is to be lenient in this as well, although they did not receive a tradition in this matter

[18] See Radbaz 268 Chadashos, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 375:5, regarding Shemua Kerova; Pnei Yehoshua Y.D. 2:37; Dvar Moshe 1:7; Chochmas Shlomo 375:1; Chaim Bayad 125:71; Gesher Hachaim 19:4-1; Shevet Halevi 6:184; Pnei Baruch 8:10; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 123:13

[19] The reason: As the state of Bein Hashmashos is a Safek, while the laws of mourning are Rabbinical, and Safek Derabanan Lekula. [Poskim ibid]

[20] Michaber 395:3; Terumos Hadeshen 292; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:7

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule we do apply Miktzas Hayom Kekulo on the last day of the 12 months, and possibly we should even say Miktzas Hachodesh Kekulo. [Radbaz 3:454, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 395:3]

[21] The reason: We do not state the rule of Miktzas Hayom Kekulo with regards to the 12-month period of mourning [Michaber ibid] as no where do we find mentioned that one keeps 354 days of mourning, but rather 12 months, and when something is dependent on months it is not relevant to use the rule of Miktzas Hayom Kekulo. The only rule potentially relevant is Miktzas Hachodesh Kekulo, which would allow one to end mourning laws once the 12th month begins, and such a rule does not exist and is certainly not correct.  [Taz 395:2 in name of Terumos Hadeshen 292; Shach 395:2; Beir Hagoleh ibid]

[22] Michaber ibid

[23] Rama 395:3; Shach 402:10; Terumos Hadeshen 292; Leket Yosher p. 98

[24] So is implied from Shach 395:3 in name of Terumas Hadeshen ibid; However, see Pnei Baruch 39:22 in name of Leket Yosher and Bach that it does not apply on Shabbos; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:9 concludes based on Shut Magidos 89 that only those matters which are forbidden from the letter of the law are accustomed on Shabbos.

[25] Shach 395:3 and Taz 395:3 in name of Bach 395; See Nekudos Hakesef 395 in explanation of Bach against attack of Taz ibid

[26] Shach 395:3; Terumos Hadeshen 292

[27] So is implied from Shach 395:3 in name of Terumas Hadeshen ibid; However, see Pnei Baruch 39:22 in name of Leket Yosher and Bach that it does not apply on Shabbos; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:9 concludes based on Shut Magidos 89 that only those matters which are forbidden from the letter of the law are accustomed on Shabbos.

[28] Pashut! See Michaber O.C. 548:9; Y.D. 339:4; Rama 390:4; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:6

[29] See Igros Kodesh 13:410, brought in Shulchan Menachem 5:295; Nitei Gavriel 77:20; See Masas Binyamin 84 brought in Shach 402:10

[30] Kol Bo [Greenwald] 4:396 based on Dudaeiy Sadeh 39 [95]; Shevet Halevi 8:261

[31] Chinuch Beis Yosef 83 and Kesav Sofer 188 regarding if Davened Maariv; See Masas Binyamin 84 brought in Shach 402:10; Gesher Hachaim 32:14; Chelkas Yaakov 2:101; Beir Moshe 2:114

[32] Nitei Gavriel ibid

[33] Chochmas Adam 168:6, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 396:4; Aruch Hashulchan 396:5; Kitzur SHU”A 217:2; Pnei Baruch 25:5; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:2

[34] The reason: Although it is implied from Michaber ibid that the child is exempt from all Aveilus, nevertheless, perhaps there is a difference between Shiva and Shloshim, which are Rabbinical obligations of mourning, and the 12 months which is done for Kibbud Av Vaem. [ibid]

[35] Gesher Hachaim 19:3-3

[36] Michaber 394:1; Moed Katan 27b

[37] Michaber 394:2

[38] Michaber 394:4; Yerushalmi end of Moed Katan

[39] Michaber 394:5; Shabbos 105b

[40] Michaber 394:6; Rambam

[41] Derisha 403:1; Miseches Semachos 12

[42] See Rama 381:1 who only extends the custom for Shloshim

[43] Implication of Michaber 381:6 who compares it to bathing, which is permitted after Shloshim even according to the custom; Vetzaruch Iyun from Shach 381:4 who says that its prohibition extends past Shiva, unlike bathing [from the letter of the law] and hence perhaps it also extends past Shloshim. So can also be implied from the wording of Michaber ibid [unlike previous implication] who writes “During the days of her mourning” which may include the entire 12 months. Practically, the Poskim make no explicit mention of whether this prohibition extends past Shloshim. Nitei Gavriel 8:18 limits it only to the Shloshim.

[44] Michaber 385:1; Moed Katan 15a

[45] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid

[46] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid; See Tzitz Eliezer 8:33 regarding why this does not contain Lifnei Iver

[47] Shach 385:1

[48] Rama ibid

The reason: There is no basis behind their custom unless one differentiates and says that the greetings of today are not considered like the greetings of back then. [Rama ibid] This is not a justifiable reason, as according to this reason one should be able to greet the mourners even within Shloshim, and we have not found any Posek who is lenient in this matter. [Shach 385:2; See also M”A 554:21; Rav Akiva Eiger 385:1] Some Poskim however justify this custom based on the fact that majority of today’s greetings do not involve saying the word Shalom but rather simply good morning and the like, and these greetings are not prohibited under Sheilas Shalom. [Beir Heiytiv 385:2 and Gilyon Maharsha ibid based on Admur 89:3 and Beis Yosef in name of Riy; Likewise, the Darkei Moshe 89 states that it is only considered Shalom if one mentions Hashem’s name] This allowance however only applies after the Shloshim. [See Elya Raba O.C. 554:20; See Q&A!]

[49] Elya Raba O.C. 554:20; See Beir Heiytiv 385:2 in previous footnote!

[50] Rama 385:3; Maharil 31

[51] See Admur 306:15; M”B 306:33

[52] There is no source in Poskim to prohibit an Avel from sending gifts, other than during Shiva. Likewise, the law of sending gifts is dependent on the law of Sheilas Shalom and hence just like an Avel may ask others Shalom after Shiva, so too regarding gifts, and so is ruled in Michaber O.C. 696:6 and Yoreh Deah 401:7 that a mourner is obligated ins ending Mishloach Manos even though others may not send him

[53] Nitei Gavriel 14:10 based on the ruling regarding Mishlaoch Manos as rules M”A 696:11; Maharil; Sefer Chassidim 713; Mateh Moshe ibid; Chayeh Adam 155:37; Derech Hachaim 3; M”B 696:18; Kaf Hachaim 696:33

[54] 390:4; Moed Katan 22b; See Divrei Nechemia Yoreh Deah 26 for a general discussion of this law

The law if one’s parent forgave the child from mourning him: See Chapter 12 Halacha 1

The law if another relative passes away after Shloshim: See Chapter 19 Halacha 12!

The law of a Chasan who is getting married: See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:14

[55] Michaber 380:1 and 390:1; See Beis Yosef 390; Rav Akiva Eiger 390 in name of Elya Raba; Kitzur SHU”A 211:12; Maharshag 2:214; Peri Hasadeh 2:24; Mishmeres Shalom Gimmel 50

[56] Michaber ibid; Gemara ibid

[57] What hair is included in the prohibition? Regarding Shloshim the Michaber 390:1 rules that the prohibition applies to all body hair, whether hair of the head or the face or any other limb of the body, including the pubic area. Regarding after Shloshim, however, the Michaber 380:4 plainly states that one may not do Giluach and does not go into details of whether the prohibition applies to all hairs or not. From the Poskim below who discuss trimming the beard it is evident that ideally this restriction is not limited to the hair of the head. Nonetheless, seemingly, it does not apply to body hair other than the head and face, as the concept of Gearah is only applicable to visible hair. The only other implication would be to say that since there is no Shiur Gearah by body hair, therefore it may never be cut until after 12 months. However, from the fact that no Poskim explicitly mention this great novelty is clearly implied like the former, that one may cut and trim body hair without restriction after the Shloshim.

[58] Rama 390:4; Agudah; Maharil; Ran

Intent of three months: The Divrei Nechemia Yoreh Deah 26 gives four possible explanations into the intent of the Rama to wait 3 months: 1) One cannot cut his hair before three months even if he is reprimanded, and after three months it is allowed even if no one reprimands him. 2) If there is no one around to reprimand him then after three months he may cut his hair. 3) Within three months it does not help to be reprimanded, although after three months, if one is reprimanded, he may get a haircut. 4) One can cut his hair even prior to three months if he is reprimanded, and if he was not reprimanded, he may cut his hair after three months.

Other customs: Some are accustomed that mourners of a parent do not to get a haircut for the entire 12 months, unless there is a need, such as one’s hair is too heavy to carry, or he is acquainted with gentiles and is not considered representable amongst them due to his hair, in which case he may cut his hair. [Rama ibid; See Chayeh Adam 165:27; Kitzur SHU”A 211:12]

[59] Some Poskim rule the Shiur is two months. [Smak] Others rule it is after one month. [See Mishmeres Shalom Gimmel 51; Divrei Nechemia ibid; Nitei Gavriel 3:10]

[60] Beis Yosef 390; Rav Akiva Eiger 390 in name of Elya Raba; Kitzur SHU”A 211:12; Maharshag 2:214; Peri Hasadeh 2:24; Mishmeres Shalom Gimmel 50; Daas Kedoshim 390; Nitei Gavriel 3:14

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one may only be lenient to cut his hair if his friend reprimands him, if three months have passed from his last haircut. [Divrei Nechemia Yoreh Deah 26]

[61] See Q&A!

[62] See Poskim ibid and Q&A!

[63] Chasam Sofer 347; Nodah Beyehuda O.C. 14; Pischeiy Teshuvah 390:4; Maharam Shick 371; Darkei Hachaim 13:4; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 4:7

[64] The reason: Although the restriction against cutting hair extends past Shloshim for a mourner of a parent, nevertheless by a beard, the Shiur Gearah is reached after thirty days. Thus, if one did not shave throughout the Shloshim [as required] then he may trim or shave his beard. [Chasam Sofer and Poskim ibid]

[65] Such as if he was unaware of the death and burial and then joined the Gadol Habayis; or if he transgressed and shaved.

[66] Implication of Poskim ibid; Furthermore, according to those opinions who require Shiur Gearah between each haircut, here too one would only be allowed to shave or trim once in thirty days throughout the entire 12 months. Practically, however, many Poskim are lenient once the first Shiur Gearah has been reached. See Q&A!

[67] See Michaber and Rama 390:5 who argue over Shloshim; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:20 footnote 29 for a discussion on this matter!

[68] Rama 390:4; Michaber O.C. 548:9; Y.D. 399:4; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:7; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:4 and 6 for leniencies regarding Erev Rosh Hashanah and Erev Pesach

If one is a Kohen with long hair: See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:3

[69] Yad Shaul 390; Mishmeres Shalom Gimmel 49; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:2

If one is reprimanded on Yom Tov after 30 days: Some Poskim rule that if one is reprimanded on Yom Tov after the conclusion of Shloshim, then he may get a haircut during Chol Hamoed. [Machazik Bracha 531; Birkeiy Yosef Y.D. 399;] Other Poskim however rule it is forbidden. [Kneses Hagedola and other Poskim brought in Birkeiy Yosef ibid] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:12

[70] If one is reprimanded before Yom Tov, before 30 days: Some Poskim rule that if one is reprimanded prior to the Holiday he may be lenient to get a haircut even within 30 days. [Nodah Beyehuda O.C. 14, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 390:4] Practically, the Poskim negate this opinion. [Teshuvah Meahava 1:124; Pischeiy Teshuvah ibid]

[71] See Noda Beyehuda Tinyana 14:213, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 390:1; Many Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:15

The law of a Chasan who is getting married: See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:14

[72] See Rama 390:4 regarding leniency of year; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:11 regarding leniency of after Shiva.

[73] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:13 that it is permitted to cut the hair for medical reasons, such as due to lice.

[74] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:15 in name of Divrei Sofrim 152

[75] Shevet Halevi Y.D. 213; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:17

[76] Conclusion of Maharam Shick Yoreh Deah 371; Daas Torah 390; Maharshag 2:214

[77] Meaning, that even if there were many days that passed between the death and burial, and subsequent start of Shiva, nevertheless one counts from the time of death.

[78] Initial ruling of Maharam Shick ibid; Hisorerus Teshuvah Yoreh Deah 204; Yosef Daas 390; Gesher Hachaim 21:11-3

[79] Divrei Nechemia Yoreh Deah 26; See there that he gives 4 possible explanations into the intent of the Rama to wait 3 months: 1) One cannot cut his hair before three months even if he is reprimanded, and after three months it is allowed even if no one reprimands him. 2) If there is no one around to reprimand him then after three months he may cut his hair. 3) Within three months it does not help to be reprimanded, although after three months, if one is reprimanded, he may get a haircut. 4) One can cut his hair even prior to three months if he is reprimanded, and if he was not reprimanded, he may cut his hair after three months.

[80] Nitei Gavriel 4:1; Rav Ginsberg; Rav Levi Garelick

[81] Birkeiy Yosef 390 in name of Rabbeinu Yeshaya Harishon 156 “Those that are particular to wait until they are reprimanded even after Shiur Gearah has passed, are foolish, as it is not the reprimanding that permits the haircut, but the span of time which makes one fit to be reprimanded.”; Mishmeres Shalom

[82] See Divrei Nechemia ibid

[83] Beis Yosef 390; Rav Akiva Eiger 390 in name of Elya Raba; Kitzur SHU”A 211:12; Maharshag 2:214; Peri Hasadeh 2:24; Mishmeres Shalom Gimmel 50; Daas Kedoshim 390; Nitei Gavriel 3:14

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one may only be lenient to cut his hair if his friend reprimands him, if three months have passed from his last haircut. [Divrei Nechemia Yoreh Deah 26]

[84] Rav Akiva Eiger 390

[85] Sephardic custom recorded in Chaim Sheol 2:23; Shulchan Gavoa 390:12; Or Zarua 2:446; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:2

[86] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:3

[87] Rav Akiva Eiger 390:4 based on Or Zarua brought in Darkei Moshe; Adnei Paz 8; Pischeiy Teshuvah 390:4; Panim Meiros 2:53; Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1137; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 3

[88] Derech Hachaim; Implication of Chasam Sofer Y.D. 247 “It suffices to get a haircut every three months”; Yosef Daas 390; Darkei Hachaim 13:3; Gesher Hachaim 21; See Custom brought in Rama 390:4; Chayeh Adam 165:27; Kitzur SHU”A 211:12; Igros Moshe Y.D. 3:156 that it is proper to be stringent; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 3; Nitei Gavriel ibid concludes to be stringent unless it is a time of need

[89] Nitei Gavriel ibid

[90] See Maharshag 2:214; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 4:3

[91] Maharshag 2:214; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 4:4

[92] Maharshag 2:214; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 4:6

[93] Rav Akiva Eiger 390 in name of Halachos Ketanos 1:113; Devar Moshe 61; Daas Torah 390 in name of Shiyurei Bracha 399:4; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:2 footnote 3

[94] Ben Ish Chaiy Devarim 13

[95] Daas Torah ibid in name of Lashon Zahav 4

[96] Nitei Gavriel ibid

[97] Michaber 389:1; Michaber 389:7 regarding ironing and certainly the same would apply regarding laundering which is more lenient than ironing; Bach and Perisha 389 that this applies even according to the Riva who forbids wearing freshly laundered clothing during Shloshim; Pnei Baruch 18:8

Other opinions: Some write that just as according to the Riva an Avel may not wear freshly laundered clothing within Shloshim, and so is the custom, so too he may not launder his clothing within Shloshim. [See Pnei Baruch ibid footnote 14 that Rav SZ”A negated this ruling and that the Bach and Perisha ibid explicitly negates it.]

[98] See Michaber and Rama 389:1 who rule that from the letter of the law, laundered clothing is permitted to be worn immediately after Shiva, and certainly after Shloshim. See opinion in Michaber 389:6; 8 and O.C. 551:3 that even washing with soap and clean water is defined as laundering, and not as ironing, and would be subject to this lenient ruling. The Rama ibid however rules that the custom is to be stringent not to wear freshly laundered clothing, however no mention is made of whether this applies even past Shloshim. Shach 389:2 states that the reason behind the custom is to suspect for the opinion who rules that wearing laundered clothing is forbidden throughout Shloshim, hence implying that after Shloshim, it is permitted for all to wear.

[99] Opinion in Michaber 389:6 and O.C. 551:3; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:1 who records this prohibition

[100] Michaber 389:5; 402:1 Ramban in Toras Habayis; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:1

[101] Some Poskim rule that if someone does Gearah after 30 days he does not need to wait until the holiday, and the intent here is either or. [See Teshuvah Meahavah 1:124 brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:4]

[102] Shiur Gearah in this sense is someone admonishing the Avel for wearing unrepresentable clothing. [Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[103] Michaber 389:8; Tur in name of Ramban in Toras Habayis; Nimukei Yosef

[104] Shach 389:3; Bach 389

How do we rule? The Poskim do not record whether we rule like the stringent or lenient opinion

[105] Michaber 389:1; Ramban in Toras Ha’adam; Pnei Baruch 18:11; Nitei Gavriel 10

[106] Michaber 389:1 and 3 permits after Shiva; Rama 389:3 brings opinion who permits only after Shloshim; Ramban in Toras Ha’adam

[107] Rama 389:3 regarding making new clothing and wearing Shabbos clothing; The same would apply to wearing new clothing [Chochmas Shlomo 389, however see Daas Kedoshim 389 and Nitei Gavriel 10:15]; See Teshuvah Meahava 3:413-389 who questions if the Rama’s intent is on both making new clothing and wearing Shabbos clothing or only on making new clothing; Pnei Baruch 18 footnote 21

[108] Aruch Hashulchan 389:11; Nitei Gavriel 10:13; Pnei Baruch 18:11 in name of Rav SZ”A and Tzitz Eliezer in Ohel Chana that the allowance applies to clothing which absorb sweat.

[109] Beir Hagoleh 389 in name of Kol Bo; Aruch Hashulchan 389:11; Daas Kedoshim 389:5; Kitzur SHU”A 211:10; See Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1051 who was lenient regarding new Shabbos clothing for another to wear it for even a mere moment.

[110] Aruch Hashulchan 389:11

[111] Poskim ibid do not differentiate

[112] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:12 in name of Beis David 389

[113] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413-389 as not wearing new clothing in first year is a mere Minhag

[114] See Pnei Baruch 18 footnote 21

[115] Implication of Rama ibid; Daas Kedoshim 389:7

[116] Chochmas Shlomo 389

[117] Beir Hagoleh 389 in name of Kol bo

[118] See Nitei Gavriel 2 10:17; Rama 551:7 regarding the nine days; Teshuvah Meahava 3:413-389

[119] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:20

[120] See Igros Moshe 3:80 regarding three weeks

[121] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:18

[122] There is no prohibition against purchasing clothing recorded in Poskim; Nitei Gavriel 2 10:32 [However see there footnote 5 for opinion of Rav Moshe Feinstein who is stringent]

[123] No such prohibition is recorded in Poskim; Pnei Baruch 18:12; Nitei Gavriel 2 13:5 based on Leket Yosher and Levushei Mordechai 3:184 regarding week of Tishe Beav

[124] No such prohibition is recorded in Poskim; Daas Kedoshim 389 that only applies by Shiva; Pnei Baruch 18:12; Nitei Gavriel 2 13:4 [However see there footnote 5 for opinion of Rav Moshe Feinstein who is stringent]

[125] No such prohibition is recorded in Poskim; Nitei Gavriel 2 13:3 in name of Poskim [However see there footnote4 for opinion of Rav Moshe Feinstein who is stringent]

[126] Rama 389:3

[127] Rama ibid in accordance to Darkei Hachaim 3; Derech Chaim; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 10 footnote 36

Background and other opinions: After stating that it is forbidden to wear Shabbos clothing during Shloshim and that it is also forbidden to make new clothing during Shloshim, the Rama ibid states that the custom is for a mourner [of a parent] to be stringent all 12 months. It is questionable however if the Rama’s intent is on both making new clothing and wearing Shabbos clothing or only on making new clothing, while wearing Shabbos clothing is permitted after Shloshim even according to the custom. Practically, some Poskim learn that the Minhag of 12 months refers to both Shabbos clothing and new clothing. [Darkei Hachaim 3; Derech Chaim; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 10 footnote 36] Others however rule it only refers to new clothing while Shabbos clothing it is permitted to wear after Shloshim. [Kitzur SHU”A 211:10] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413-389 leaves this matter in question; See also Divrei Nechemia ibid whose entire discussion of wearing Shabbos clothing on Shabbos is only regarding Shiva and Shloshim; See Nitei Gavriel 2 10 footnote 36

[128] Divrei Nechemia ibid “In previous generations people were stringent, however today many people, amongst them great Sages are lenient, and on the contrary are stringent not to make any difference between this Shabbos and any other Shabbos of the year”; Aruch Hashulchan 389:11 “For already 100 years the Gedolei Hador are not pleased with allowing one to walk with weekday clothing on Shabbos”; Pnei Baruch 23:4; Nitei Gavriel 2 10:23; See Likkutei Sichos 4:1091

[129] See M”A 548:5 [implies not to wear]; Nitei Gavriel 2 10:25 footnote 39 [may wear]

[130] See Nitei Gavriel 2 10:26 footnote 40

[131] As rule Poskim ibid in Rama

[132] See Teshuvah Meahava ibid

[133] Rama 391:1; Maharil; Shevus Yaakov 2:102 regarding Pidyon haben; See Noda Beyehuda Tinyana Y.D. 213 who questions this ruling although concludes to follow Rama, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:6

[134] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413-389 permits in time of need to wear new clothing; Siach Yitzchak 476; Nitei Gavriel 2 10:19See Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1051 who was lenient regarding new Shabbos clothing for another to wear it for even a mere moment.

[135] See Divrei Nechemia 27

[136] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:33 in name of Tuv Taam Vedaas 3:218

[137] Shevus Yaakov 2:102; Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:3

[138] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:21

[139] One may be lenient in a time of need being it is only a custom which is disputed, as explained above. Furthermore, even during Shloshim there is room to be lenient as brought in Panim Meiros 2:123, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:3 that a woman after birth may wear Shabbos clothing as it is her day of Yom Tov.

[140] 391; See Pnei Baruch 20; Nitei Gavriel 2 16-34

[141] Michaber 391:2; Moed Katan 22b

[142] Michaber 391:2; Moed Katan 22b; Admur 128:55

[143] Michaber ibid; Rosh in name of Ravaya; Shach 391:2; 395:3; Taz 391:1 “All Aveilus ends after 12 months even in a leap year, and those that continue the mourning customs into the 13th month have no source and are certainly doing a worthless act”; Bach 391; See Nekudos Hakesef 391:1; See Beis Hillel 391

[144] See Aruch Hashulchan 391:7-10 for a general overview of the opinions in Rishonim regarding the meals under the prohibition. Some Rishonim rule that only a Seudas Reshus is forbidden while a Seudas Mitzvah is permitted. [Semag Aveilus and Rabbeinu Tam; Riy; Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid, mentioned there; 1st opinion in Rama 391:2; See Aruch Hashulchan 391:7] Others rule on the contrary, that only a Seudas Mitzvah is forbidden. [Raavad; 2nd opinion in Rama ibid; See Aruch Hashulchan 391:10]

[145] Michaber 391:2 regarding Simchas Mereios; Shach 391:1 “This is a meal that friends make together in which they eat and drink together”; See Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 27; See previous footnote

[146] Rama 391:2; Tur in name of Raavad; Admur 128:55

[147] Rama 391:2

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardim are accustomed to attend any Seudas Mitzvah that does not involve Simcha even during Shloshim. [Birkeiy Yosef 391:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 31:1]

[148] 1st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251

[149] 2nd opinion in Rama ibid; Mordechai

[150] Rama ibid; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12

[151] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10

The reason: As in a time of necessity one may be lenient in Aveilus like the lenient opinion in Rama ibid. [ibid]

[152] Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; See Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119 regarding a Siyum Misechta, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Chochmas Adam 166; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2; See Kitzur SHU”A 212 in Lechem Hapanim 1 who asks on Shach and Poskim ibid based on Rama ibid

[153] Rama 391:2; Tur in name of Raavad

[154] Aruch Hashulchan 391:5; Zera Emes 3:169; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:20 footnote 49

[155] Nitei Gavriel 20:10 footnote 29

[156] Taz 385:1; Bach 385 in name of Rabbeinu Yehuda; See Pnei Baruch 31 footnote 13 in name of Gesher Hachaim and Nitei Gavriel 33:4 footnote 8 and 33:7 footnote 13 for an analysis on this ruling and the fact it is omitted in other Poskim

[157] Vetzaruch Iyun from the fact that we permit participating in a meal that is taking place in one’s home, and hence why is one not allowed to invite guests to a meal in his home. However, seemingly there is a difference between a Seudas Mitzvah taking place in one’s home versus a Seudas Reshus, and a Seuda made by others in his home versus a Seuda that he is arranging. Vetzaruch Iyun.

[158] Beir Heiytiv 385:2 in name of Darkei Moshe

[159] Sheilas Yaavetz 2:180; Pnei Baruch 20:15; Nitei Gavriel 28:8

[160] Rama 391:2

[161] The reason: As one is not required to leave his home because of a Simcha taking place there.

[162] See Aruch Hashulchan 391:10

[163] The leniencies associated with relatives attending Simchas during Aveilus is based on two lenience’s found in the Rama; 1) One may waiter at a Simcha, although may not eat at the meal. [Rama 391:3] 2) If the Simcha will be damaged if one does not attend, he may participate even in the meal. [Rama 391:2 regarding Yesoma] Depending on the relation, at times the second leniency applies [parents and grandparents] and at times it is debatable if the second leniency applies or if only the first leniency applies [siblings] and at times only the first leniency applies [other relatives] and at times no leniency apply. [not a relative]. The first recording of an allowance for relatives is brought in the Maharashdam 202; See Nitei Gavriel 16 footnote 10 and in his introduction for a lengthy discussion on this topic

[164] Nitei Gavriel 23:27

[165] See Chochmas Adam 166:2 that by a Seudas Yesoma they may not play music; See however Chaim Sheol 1:84 and other Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 12 and Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 46 that one may participate even if music is playing. See also Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 16:10 footnote 13; Maharam Shick Y.D. 368; Shaareiy Teshuvah 551:3; Teshuvos Maimanis Shoftim 19; Shevet Halevi ibid

[166] Nitei Gavriel 16:10

[167] Pashut, as they do not have to keep Dinei Aveilus, as brought in Chapter 12 Halacha 1B!

[168] Rama 391:3; See Aruch Hashulchan 391:13

[169] 1st opinion in Rama ibid; Kol Bo; Semak

[170] 2nd opinion in Rama ibid; Hagahos Ashri

[171] Rama 391:3; Chochmas Adam 166:2

[172] Rama ibid that so is custom

[173] Rama ibid “He may eat in his home from the food that is sent to him”; Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Pnei Baruch 20:17

[174] One understanding in Rama ibid that his allowance only applies to serving the food to the waiters room or kitchen staff and not to the main hall of the attendance; So learns: Beis Meir 391:3; Aruch Hashulchan 391:13; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 20 footnote 8 and Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 35

[175] One understanding in Rama 391:3; and so rules: Kitzur SHU”A 212:5; Nehar Afarsemon Y.D. 54; Dudaei Hasadeh 62; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 20:3

[176] Aruch Hashulchan 391:13 that so is custom to be lenient;

[177] Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Pnei Baruch 20:17; p. 216

[178] Rama ibid “He may eat in his home from the food that is sent to him”; Kitzur Shlah Kuf, brought in Nitei Gavriel 20 footnote 8

[179] Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Pnei Baruch 20:17

[180] Kitzur Shelah Kuf; Aruch Hashulchan 393:13; Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 35 in name of Rav SZ”A

[181] See Nitei Gavriel 20:2 in name of Aruch Hashulchan 393:13; Nehar Afarsemon Y.D. 54; Dudaei Hasadeh 62; Vetzaruch Iyun as they do not write this

[182] See Nitei Gavriel 20:3

[183] Dudaei Sadeh 62

[184] 391:3

[185] Rama ibid that so is custom in Ashkenaz and these provinces; 2nd opinion in Michaber ibid; Chochmas Adam 166:3; Kitzur SHU”A 212:4; Zera Emes 3:170; Darkei Hachaim 14:10

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to attend the Chuppah ceremony, prior to the meal, in order to hear the blessings. [1st opinion in Michaber ibid]

[186] Michaber ibid; Rama ibid

[187] Rama ibid

[188] Darkei Hachaim 14:10; Thus the Avel may attend a Chuppah taking place in front of 770.

[189] See Nitei Gavriel 17:6

[190] Rama ibid in name of Hagahos Maimanis “The above prohibition only applies in the house in which the wedding is being celebrated in, and they are eating and drinking and rejoicing there. However, in the Chuppah that takes place in the Shul in which they recite the blessings there and there is no joy there at all, it is permitted”

Other customs: Some are accustomed that the mourner does not participate in a Chuppah ceremony throughout all 12 months, although they may stand outside of the Chuppah area in order to hear the blessings. [Custom brought in Rama ibid; Hagahos Maharil]

[191] Shevet Halevi Y.D. 213; Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 54; Nitei Gavriel 17:6

[192] Darkei Chaim 14:10 based on Rama ibid which writes “and there is no joy there”, and so is implied from Shaareiy Teshuvah 551:3 and Chochmas Adam 166:1

[193] Rama 391:3 that so is the Ashkenazi custom; Michaber 391:2 regarding Beis Hamishteh; Admur 128:55; See Birkei Yosef 391:2 regarding a Zivug Sheiyni

[194] Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to enter during the meal, and it is only forbidden to eat in it. [Riy/Rabbeinu Tam]

[195] Zera Emes 3:172; Pnei Baruch 20:22; Nitei Gavriel 16:3

[196] Zera Emes 3:172; Nitei Gavriel 16:3

Other Poskim: Some Poskim rule one is not to enter the hall even during times that music is not being played and the meal is not being eaten. [Darkei Hachaim 14:10, and so is evident from the ruling that he can’t join the Chuppah even though it takes place before the meal or the music.]

[197] Rama 391:2

[198] Rama ibid in his personal opinion; Darkei Moshe 391:2; Maharam Mintz 82; Teshuvas Maimanis Shoftim 19; Aruch Hashulchan 391:12 regarding Rav of city; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:18 footnote 40; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 19 footnote 1

Other opinions: Some refrain from being Misader Kedushin, or saying the blessings, throughout the period of Aveilus due to it being a bad Mazal. [See Teshuvos Maimanis ibid and Pnei Baruch ibid in his name; Hagahos Sefer Haminhagim Tirana, brought in Nitei Gavriel 19 footnote 1]

[199] Rama ibid

[200] Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 19:1 footnote 2

[201] See Taz 391:4; Nitei Gavriel 19:6

[202] Tuv Taam Vadaas 3:241; Dudaei Sadeh 62; Pnei Baruch ibid

[203] Rama ibid in his personal opinion and that so is custom

[204] Taz 391:4;

[205] Minhag brought in Taz ibid [and negated by him]; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391 in name of Lechem Hapanim; brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391; Panim Meiros 3:37, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:7, that those that are lenient have upon whom to rely; Kitzur SHU”A 212:4; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 20:1 footnote 4

[206] Beis Lechem Yehuda ibid

[207] Shaareiy Teshuvah 551:3; Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 47; Nitei Gavriel 20:1 footnote 3; Regarding being in the hall during the music-see Nitei Gavriel 20:1 footnote 5 and 16:9 for various opinions on this subject

[208] Beis Lechem Yehuda ibid

[209] Rama ibid

[210] Shach 391:4 that so is custom and so is implied from Levush

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule he is only to wear some of his Shabbos clothing. [Rama ibid] The Shach ibid explains that perhaps this is not literal.

[211] Rama 391:2; Tur in name of Raavad

[212] Aruch Hashulchan 391:5; Zera Emes 3:169; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:20 footnote 49

[213] Nitei Gavriel 20:10 footnote 29

[214] See Zera Emes 3:172; Tosfos Moed Katan 22b; Beis Shearim Y.D. 446; See Nitei Gavriel 16:3 and 23:8-9 footnotes 14-16

Tasting a little food: See Nitei Gavriel ibid who permits him to taste a little food based on M”A 551:10, however in my opinion this is incorrect as the Rama 391:2 writes “not to enter the meal” and the M”A ibid is discussing when there is no meal taking place but rather light refreshments.

[215] The leniencies associated with relatives attending weddings during Aveilus is based on two lenience’s found in the Rama; 1) One may waiter at a Simcha, although may not eat at the meal. [Rama 391:3] 2) If the Simcha will be damaged if one does not attend he may participate even in the meal. [Rama 391:2 regarding Yesoma] Depending on the relation, at times the second leniency applies [parents and grandparents] and at times it is debatable if the second leniency applies or if only the first leniency applies [siblings] and at times only the first leniency applies [other relatives] and at times no leniencies apply. [not a relative]. The first recording of an allowance for relatives is brought in the Maharashdam 202; See Nitei Gavriel 16 footnote 10 and in his introduction for a lengthy discussion on this topic

[216] Rama 389:3 that from the letter of the law one may wear Shabbos clothing after 30 days, although the custom is to be stringent for the first 12 months. Nevertheless, one may be lenient in a time of need, such as the above. [See Teshuvah Meahava Y.D. 389; See Nitei Gavriel 21:1]

[217] Rama 391:3

[218] Rama 389:3 that from the letter of the law one may wear Shabbos clothing after 30 days, although the custom is to be stringent for the first 12 months. Nevertheless, one may be lenient in a time of need, such as the above. [See Teshuvah Meahava Y.D. 389; See Nitei Gavriel 21:1]

[219] Gilyon Maharsha 391; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391 that the custom is to allow participating in a Seudas Mitzvah after Shloshim, during the year of Aveilus, and that a Seudas Kinyan is considered a Seudas Mitzvah as brought in M”A 444:9

[220] Nitei Gavriel 27:3 based on Maharashdam 202 and Zera Emes 3:170, and following the same Heter that allows them to participate by the wedding.

[221] See Nitei Gavriel 27:4

[222] Rama 391:2

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardim are accustomed to attend any Seudas Mitzvah that does not involve Simcha, even during Shloshim. [Birkeiy Yosef 391:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 31:1]

[223] Rama 391:2 [2nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Mordechai; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in a Seudas Bris Milah. [1st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251]

Eating in a side room: See Nitei Gavriel 23:19 based on Rama 391:3 that a waiter may serve food at the meal and then eat next door.

[224] Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23:7 footnote 13

[225] Maharam Shick Y.D. 366; Nitei Gavriel 23:11

[226] Meaning, within Shloshim for Aveilim of all relatives [Taz ibid; Shach ibid], and within 12 months for an Avel over a parent. [Rama ibid]

[227] Rama ibid; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even initially it is customary to be lenient to participate in a Seudas Mitzvah after Shloshim if it does not contain Simcha. [Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; See Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119 regarding a Siyum Misechta, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Chochmas Adam 166; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2; See Kitzur SHU”A 212 in Lechem Hapanim 1 who asks on Shach and Poskim ibid based on Rama ibid]

[228] Nitei Gavriel 23:10 in name of Ritva Kesubos 8; Chaim Sheol 21; Gesher Hachaim 21:8; Pnei Baruch 20:23

May the Avel sing Chazanus by the Bris? See Nitei Gavriel 23:29

[229] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413; Nitei Gavriel 23:28

[230] Pnei Baruch ibid

[231] Rama 391:2; Maharil

[232] Rama 391:3; Taz 391:3 that the Rama refers to one who is an Avel for a parent

[233] Nitei Gavriel 23:27

[234] See Chochmas Adam 166:2 that by a Seudas Yesoma they may not play music; See however Chaim Sheol 1:84 and other Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 46 that one may participate even if music is playing.

[235] See Zera Emes 3:172; Tosfos Moed Katan 22b; Beis Shearim Y.D. 446; See Nitei Gavriel 23:8-9 footnotes 14-16

Tasting a little food: See Nitei Gavriel ibid who permits him to taste a little food based on M”A 551:10, however in my opinion this is incorrect as the Rama 391:2 writes “not to enter the meal” and the M”A ibid is discussing when there is no meal taking place but rather light refreshments.

[236] See Nitei Gavriel 25:1

[237] Nitei Gavriel 23:10 in name of Ritva Kesubos 8; Chaim Sheol 21; Gesher Hachaim 21:8; Pnei Baruch 20:23

[238] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413; Pnei Baruch 20:23; Nitei Gavriel 23:28

[239] Pnei Baruch ibid

[240] Rama 391:2; Gesher Hachaim 21;

[241] Rama 391:2 [2nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Mordechai; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in a Seudas Pidyon Haben. [1st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251]

Eating in a side room: See Nitei Gavriel 23:19 based on Rama 391:3 that a waiter may serve food at the meal and then eat next door.

[242] Meaning, within Shloshim for Aveilim of all relatives [Taz ibid; Shach ibid], and within 12 months for an Avel over a parent. [Rama ibid]

[243] Rama ibid; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12; To note, that even those Poskim who are lenient regarding other Seudas Mitzvahs [see Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2] do not record a leniency regarding a Pidyon Haben!

[244] Shvus Yaakov 2:102; Pnei Baruch 20:9

[245] Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2; So rule regarding even within Shloshim: 1st opinion in Rama 391:2; Terumos Hadeshen 251

[246] The reason: As they hold it is permitted to participate in a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha, unlike the ruling of the Rama that the custom is to be stringent.

[247] Beis Lechem Yehuda ibid

[248] Rama 391:2; See Taz 391:5; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Derech Hachaim; Tuv Taam Vedaas 3:86; Pnei Baruch 20:24 footnote 60; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 1; See Kitzur SHU”A 212 in Lechem Hapanim 1 who asks on Shach and Poskim ibid based on Rama ibid

[249] Nitei Gavriel 29:1

[250] See Pnei Baruch 21:11; Piskeiy Teshuvos 470:10

[251] See Nitei Gavriel 26

[252] 2nd opinion in Rama 391:2 and final ruling of custom; Tuv Taam Vedaas 3:86; Pnei Baruch 20:25 footnote 62; All Poskim who are stringent regarding Seudas Siyum

[253] Degul Merivava 391:1; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 26:1 footnote 2; See Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; So rule regarding even within Shloshim: 1st opinion in Rama 391:2; Terumos Hadeshen 251

[254] The reason: As they hold it is permitted to participate in a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha, unlike the ruling of the Rama that the custom is to be stringent.

[255] Nitei Gavriel ibid; Pnei Baruch ibid

[256] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10; Zera Emes 3:168; Pnei Baruch 20:26 in name of Poskim; Nitei Gavriel 26:9

[257] See Nitei Gavriel 32:1

[258] Gilyon Maharsha 391; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gesher Hachaim

[259] Chikikeiy Lev 56 based on 2nd opinion and final ruling of Rama 391:2

[260] Rama 391:2; Igros Moshe 3:161; See Pnei Baruch 20:30

[261] Pnei Baruch 20:28; See Nitei Gavriel 29:5-7

[262] Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21:6; Minchas Yitzchak

[263] Rama 391:2; See Taz 391:5; Igros Moshe 3:161; Pnei Baruch 20:29

[264] See Rama Yoreh Deah 391:2; Piskeiy Teshuvos 696:7; Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 31:5; Purim 78:13

[265] Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid in name of Minchas Yitzchak; and the practical directive of Rabbanim.

The reason: As if he does not attend it will appear like public mourning. Vetzaruch Iyun as according to this it should be permitted to attend even if music is played. [See Nimukei Orach Chaim 696:3]

[266] Igros Moshe 3:161

[267] Nitei Gavriel 32:3

[268] The reason: As one is considered like a relative to the Tzaddik, and hence is allowed to join. [ibid]

[269] Reply of Rebbe to Avel regarding Yud Tes Kisleiv; See Shulchan Menachem 5:312 that the Rebbe would make a Siyum by every Farbrengen during his year of Aveilus.

[270] Nitei Gavriel 16:10

[271] Rama 389:3 that from the letter of the law one may wear Shabbos clothing after 30 days, although the custom is to be stringent for the first 12 months. Nevertheless, one may be lenient in a time of need, such as the above. [See Teshuvah Meahava Y.D. 389; Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[272] See Igros Moshe Y.D. 3:161 and Nitei Gavriel 32:2

[273] See Nitei Gavriel 29:4

[274] See Nitei Gavriel 33:1-2

[275] Michaber and Rama 391:1-3 regarding Simcha, entering Beis Hamishteh; “Mizmurei Chasan Vekallah”; Zera Emes 5:167; Nimukei Orach Chaim 696 that although there is no explicit source prohibition music, so is learned from the Michaber and Rama ibid, as it is included in the prohibition against entering a Beis Hamishteh; Maharam Shick 368; Pnei Baruch 20:31; See Nitei Gavriel 14:2 footnote 2; Shevet Halevi 2:57; 127; Igros Moshe 1:166;  3:87;  Minchas Yitzchak 1:111; Kinyan Torah 2:99; Yechaveh Daas 3:30; Mishneh Halachos 8:128; Az Nidbaru 10:23; Piskeiy Teshuvos 551:13; 493:4

[276] Michaber 392:1; Tur in name of Rosh in name of Rabbeinu Tam; Moed Katan 23a; See Pnei Baruch 32 and Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 chapter 15

[277] The reason: Although an Avel over the passing of a parent may not enter a wedding feast throughout the 12 months, it is nevertheless permitted for him to marry, as getting married is a Mitzvah. [Beis Yosef and Bach 392; See Tosfos Yevamos 43b]

[278] Ritva Moed Katan 23a; Zera Emes 2:156; Kitzur SHU”A 213:1; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 5 and Nitei Gavriel 15 footnote 18-19

[279] See Nitei Gavriel 15 footnote 19

[280] Michaber 392:2; Moed Katan ibid

Remarrying after two festivals: Rebbe Yehuda in Moed Katan ibid allows the widower to remarry after two festivals have passed. In a time of need, and with the joining of other reasons of allowance, one may be lenient after two festivals. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:1; Aruch Hashulchan 392:2; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 18]

Shemua Kerova/Rechoka: The Three Regalim begin from the time of the death, even if he heard of the death only after all the Regalim passed. [Shvus Yaakov 2:3; Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:3]

[281] Shvus Yaakov 2:100, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:2

[282] The reason: This is not due to additional Aveilus laws being added to the bereaved husband, but rather simply in order so the husband not think of his first wife while he is no remarried, as it takes the Simcha of three festivals to forget [the emotions he had for his] first wife. [Taz 392:1

[283] Michaber ibid; Rosh; Shach 392 in Nekudos Hakesef in name of all Poskim and Achronim

The reason: As these days are not days of Simcha that rejoice the husband and console his loss. [Derisha 392:3]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are considered like festivals in this regard. [Taz 392:3 in name of Aguda] Practically, all the Poskim and Achronim negate this opinion. See however Sdei Chemed Aveilus 9 and Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 20 that one may be lenient in a case of great loss.

[284] Diggul Merivava 392; Sdei Chemed Aveilus 9 in name of Aguda; Gesher Hachaim 21:9-3

[285] Chasam Sofer 350 in name of Rav Akiva Eiger, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:1; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 22

[286] Pashut; Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 18; Regarding however a leap year in which a full 12 months and two Regalim have already passed-see Q&A

[287] Aruch Hashulchan 392:4

[288] Shach 392:4; See Michaber E.H. 1:5

[289] Michaber 392:2 regarding the three festivals of a widower, and Rama ibid that the same applies for all Aveilim; Moed Katan ibid; See other opinions in next footnote

[290] Michaber ibid; Rabbeinu Tam; Raavad; Rosh

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one may never get married within the Shloshim, even if he did not fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu. [Kitzur SHU”A 213:2 and Lechem Hapanim there based on Ramban and Nemukei Yosef] See However Misgeres Hashulchan ibid that he does not have the power to be stringent against the Michaber ibid and the other Rishonim especially being that we are lenient in Aveilus; See Nitei Gavriel 15:15

[291] Opinion in Rama ibid; Mahariy 13; Teshuvos Ritzba found in Teshuvos Maiman, brought in Beis Yosef 392

[292] The reason for this leniency: Although majority of Poskim argue on the leniency of the Mahariy, nevertheless we are lenient as it is very difficult today to withhold from sin and therefore it is better to precede the wedding. [Shvus Yaakov 2:100, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:3] Alternatively, since today we delay the Eirusin until the Chuppah and there is thus worry that if we delay the wedding someone else may marry her in the interim, therefore we are lenient like the Mahariy. [Degula Merivava 392, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:4]

Must one wait for the passing of at least two festivals: Some Poskim rule that even according to this custom in the Rama, one must wait until the passing of two festivals, as so holds the leaning opinion of Rebbe Yehuda in Moed Katan ibid. [Chinuch Beis Yehuda 90, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:3, based on Teshuvas Ritzba which is possibly the source of the Rama ibid; Beis Lechem Yehuda 392] Other Poskim, however, rule one may be lenient even within two festivals if there is no one to serve him intimately. [Shvus Yaakov 2:100, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:3]

[293] Rama ibid; Rosh; Hagahos Maimanis; Mordechai

The reason: If they desire to marry then he may marry her, even though she is in Aveilus and he can technically marry a different woman for the sake of taking care of his children, nevertheless a sister has more mercy on her nieces and nephews than another woman. [Rama ibid] She may hence get married even though there is no loss involved. [Shach 392:8]

[294] See Michaber 392:2 that even if he has small children, he may only get married after the Shiva. So rules also Taz 392:5 that there is never an allowance to marry within the Shiva; See however Shach 392:7 in name of Levush that he may marry his sister in-law within the Shiva. Vetzaruch Iyun. Shaareiy Teshuvah 392:6 records the ruling of Taz ibid

[295] See Poskim in Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 17

[296] Taz 392:6; Shach 392:7 in name of Bach and in explanation of Levush

[297] Shach 392:2; Taz 392:3

[298] The reason: A widow, unlike a widower, is not required to wait three festivals prior to getting married, as a woman is satisfied with any man and she forgets her love for her first husband after thirty days. [Shach ibid; Taz ibid in name of Mordechai] 

Custom of some widows: Some women are accustomed to mourning for a full 12 months even though there is no need or source that suggests for them to do so. Perhaps, however, they do so for the sake of their sons who are in Aveilus for 12 months. [Taz 392:3] See however Gilyon Maharsha 392 that from the verse “Gamalashu Tov Velo Ra Kol Yimei Chayeha” one can learn that a good wife will not desire to remarry her entire life and view herself as if she is forever married to her late husband. See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:3 footnote 6

[299] See Michaber E.H. 13:1 and 11; Mishneh Yevamos 41a

[300] Michaber 13:1

The reason: This wait is necessary in order to determine if the woman became pregnant from her previous husband. [Michaber ibid]

[301] Rama 13:1; Beis Yosef 13 in name of Teshuvas Harosh; Terumas Hadeshen 217

[302] Michaber 13:11; Yevamos 42a

[303] Michaber 13:11

[304] Chasam Sofer 350 in name of Rav Akiva Eiger, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:1

[305] Chasam Sofer 348, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:2

The reason: As avoiding these matters during Shloshim is only a custom.

[306] Elya Raba 132:4, brought in Reb Akiva Eiger 390; Chasam Sofer ibid

Other opinions: Some Poskim leave this matter in question. [P”M 132 M”Z, brought in Reb Akiva Eiger ibid]

[307] Chasam Sofer ibid

[308] Imrei Baruch Y.D. 392; Yehuda Yaaleh 91; Minchas Yitzchak 1:111; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 15:13 footnote 21 and that so is the custom; Pnei Baruch 32:7; See Shevet Halevi 4:213

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule an Avel who is getting married within his period of Aveilus is not to have music played by the wedding. [Sefer Chassidim 536; Nehar Mitzraim Aveilus 158; See Nitei Gavriel 15:13 footnote 20-21]

[309] The reason: As the wedding is considered like a festival for the Avel in which he cannot show public Aveilus. [ibid] Likewise, if we allow him to get married and be bye the meal, then certainly he may listen to music. [See Shevet Halevi ibid]

[310] Michaber 380:25; Yerushalmi end of Moed Katan

[311] The reason: As this is similar to a joyous occasion, as he travels with a large caravan and they rejoice a lot on the way. [Michaber ibid]

[312] Yosef Ometz p. 330; This prohibition is based on Michaber 380:25 who prohibits Shayaros [See however Aruch Hashulchan 380:33] and based on 391 [and Admur 128:55] who prohibits an Avel Simcha; Gesher Hachaim 21; Nitei Gavriel 33:9; Pnei Baruch 31:13

[313] See Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 16

[314] Michaber 240:1; Kiddushin 31b; See Nitei Gavriel 63; See Igros Kodesh 16:365, printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:333 for a discussion of the term Ziyah

[315] Michaber ibid

The reason we no longer say Hakam: Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo states that whatever punishment is due to the parent in Gehinnom during the 12 months of Gehinnom, the child takes upon himself. [Rashi Kiddushin ibid, brought in Taz 240:12] It is thus improper to say this statement after 12 months, as even Reshaim do not stay in Gehinnom for longer. [Shach 240:13] As for the reason it is said after 11 months, during the 12th month, even though Kaddish is not recited in the 12th month, this is because one must say something after mentioning his parent as otherwise it is belittling, and he can’t yet say Zal, as perhaps this is a lie, thus, due to lack of choice, he must say Hakam. [Taz ibid] Zal however states that the parent has merited Olam Haba.

Other Nussach: The Talmud ibid and Tur states to say ”Zichronam Levracha Lechayey Olam Haba”, one is thus to write זללה”ה. [Taz 24:13]

[316] Rama ibid; Maharil 24

[317] Rama ibid in stringent opinion and Minhag regarding a letter; Taz 240:12 that one may not say Zal during the 12 months as it is perhaps a lie; Aruch Hashulchan 240:31 that the custom is like the Taz

[318] Shach 240:13

[319] In the letter of Minhagei Yud Shevat the Rebbe wrote: כ”ק מו”ח אדמו”ר זצוקללה”ה נבג”מ זי”ע הכ”מ

[320] Rama ibid

[321] 1st opinion in Rama ibid; Hagahos Alfasi Kiddushin

[322] The reason: As a letter is around even after 12 months, when this statement is not to be used. [Rama ibid]

[323] 2nd opinion Rama ibid; Nimukei Yosef; Kesef Mishneh in name of Rashbatz; Mahrahm Chaviv 264

[324] Rama ibid; Shach 242:46; See Taz 240:12 that forbids saying Zal during the 12 months; Aruch Hashulchan 240:32 that the custom is like the Rama unlike Shach

[325] Shach 240:13

[326] In the letter of Minhagei Yud Shevat the Rebbe wrote: כ”ק מו”ח אדמו”ר זצוקללה”ה נבג”מ זי”ע הכ”מ

[327] Michaber 242:28

[328] Shach ibid; Rama ibid

[329] Taz 240:12

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