10. Sleeping restrictions:[1]

It is forbidden for an Onen to sleep on his bed, even if the bed has been overturned [i.e. Kefuya].[2] [He is rather to sleep on the ground.[3] Practically, however, the custom today is to be lenient to allow sleeping on a regular bed during Aninus and throughout Shiva.[4]]

*10. Marital relations:[5]

It is forbidden for an Onen to have marital intercourse during his state of Aninus. This applies even on Shabbos and Yom Tov, and certainly during the week.

Hugging and kissing:[6] One is to be stringent not to hug or kiss during Aninus.

Sleeping in same bed:[7] From the letter of the law it is permitted to for an Avel to sleep with his spouse on the same bed, so long as they are both clothed, him in his clothing and her in her clothing.[8] Nevertheless, one is to be stringent not to sleep with his spouse on the same bed at all.[9]

Harchakos:[10] [Other than the above] all the other laws of Harchakos [distances from one’s spouse while she is impure] do not apply during Aninus if one’s wife is pure. She may thus pour him a cup of wine; prepare his bed; wash his face, hands and feet; eat together from the same plate. This applies whether the husband is in mourning or the wife is in mourning.[11]

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[1] Michaber 341:5; Tur in name of Miseches Semachos

[2] Although the Onen is not obligated in Kefiyas Hamitah, he may not sleep, or sit, on a bed. [Michaber ibid]

[3] Beir Hagoleh ibid

[4] Beir Heiytiv 387:1; Panim Meiros ibid; Pnei Baruch ibid; Nitei Gavriel 108:8

[5] Michaber 341:1; Rama 341:5; Shach 341:16; Tur in name of Ramban; Tosfos and Mordechai; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Aninus p. 70

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that an Onen is permitted in Tashmish Hamita. [Maharitz Geios, brought in Tur ibid; See Rambam Avel 1:2 and Bach ibid; See Shmuel 2 12:20-25; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid]

[6] So rule regarding Shiva and the same would apply regarding Aninus: Rama 383:1; Rabbeinu Yerucham; Admur 184:6; Rebbe Akiva Eiger in name of Rav Zalman of Vilna based on Targum Koheles

Letter of law: Some Poskim rule that from the letter of the law, it is permitted to hug and kiss during Shiva [Tur in name of Raavad; Implication of Michaber and Rosh, brought in Shach 342:5] Other Poskim however rule that even other forms of Harchakos are forbidden [and certainly hugging and kissing is forbidden]. [Shach 342:5 regarding a Kallah; Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2, Rosh; Admur 184:6 states that the Sages were stringent to forbid hugging and kissing by an Avel]

Ruling by Veses: It is permitted from the letter of the law to hug and kiss during one’s wife’s Veses, although one who is stringent is blessed. The reason for this is because the prohibition of a Veses is only Rabbinical while Aveilus is from words of Kabala which is similar to Biblical.  [See Admur 184:6; Beis Hillel 383]

[7] So rule regarding Shiva and the same would apply regarding Aninus: Michaber ibid; Tur ibid

[8] However, if they are not clothed it is forbidden to sleep on the same bed. [Shach 383:2; Ramban; Tur]

[9] Michaber ibid; Admur Y.D. 184:6 and O.C. Kuntrus Acharon 40:2 [Admur 184:6 states that the Sages were stringent to forbid sleeping in the same bed by an Avel.]

The reason: As we tell a Nazir to avoid entering himself to tempting situations. [Michaber ibid] We are more stringent in this regard in the laws of Aveilus than the laws of Tishe Beav and Yom Kippur because we suspect that he may come to do it purposely as people are lax in Aveilus. [Taz 40:4; Admur Kuntrus Acharon ibid] We are also stricter in this regard more than the day of a Veses, because the prohibition of a Veses is only Rabbinical while Aveilus is from words of Kabala which is similar to Biblical.  [Admur 184:6]

[10] So rule regarding Shiva and the same would apply regarding Aninus: Michaber ibid and 374:6; Moed Katan 20b; Tur in name of Raavad in Baalei Hanefesh; Levush 383

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even other forms of Harchakos are forbidden, such as pouring wine for him and making his bed and washing his face, hands and feet and the like. [See Bach 383 in name of Rashal regarding washing face; See Shach 342:5 regarding a Kallah being prohibited in Mezigas Hakos and Hatzaas Hamitah; Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2, Rosh; Gilyon Maharsha 383 forwards to this Shach, however this stringency of the Shach only applies in that specific case when Yichud is forbidden and not in all cases of Shiva]

[11] Michaber ibid; See Shach 383:1 in name of Perisha