8. Leaving the cemetery:^[1]

*The following laws apply to both the mourners and participants of the funeral/burial, unless explicitly stated otherwise.

1. When to leave:^[2]

The participants are not to leave the cemetery until the grave is filled.

Women and men leaving separate ways:^[3] The women and men are to leave the grave and cemetery at separate times, and in separate ways. In some communities the custom is for the men to leave prior to the women, and for the women to delay staying by the grave until 15 minutes pass from after the women have left. Others are accustomed to do the contrary, and have the women leave before the men. Whatever the case, care must be taken that the men and women do not see each other on the way out, due to reasons explained in Halacha 4F.

1. Saying farewell to the deceased:^[4]

At the conclusion of the burial [or upon one leaving the funeral] one is to say “Leich Beshalom…^[5] Vitaamod Legoralecha Likeitz Hayamim.”^[6] Practically, however, many are not accustomed to do so.^[7]

Kissing and falling on the grave: Some are accustomed to fall upon the grave and kiss the earth after the burial.^[8] This is not the widespread custom.^[9]

Charity:^[10] Some have the custom to place some money in a charity box, or make a pledge to do so later, in honor of the deceased.

1. Leaving in a different path:^[11]

One is to try to leave the cemetery in a different path than the path he used to enter. [If there is only one entrance/exit to the cemetery, then one is at the very least to leave from a different direction from the area of the grave.]

 

1. Throwing grass:^[12]

After the burial, upon leaving the cemetery, one uproots earth and grass^[13], and tosses it behind his back. [This is done three times.^[14] While doing so one recites the verse “Zechor Ki Afar Anachnu”.^[15] Some, however, say the verse of “Vayatzitzu Meir Kieisev Haaretz.”^[16]]

Chol Hamoed:^[17] The above is not to be done on Chol Hamoed. [It, however, is done on other days that Tachanun is omitted, although some are accustomed not to do so.^[18]]

1. Washing the hands after the funeral/burial:^[19]

One who attended a funeral is not required to wash his hands afterwards [even if he was within four Amos of the deceased^[20]]. Nevertheless, the custom is to [immediately^[21]] wash hands after attending a funeral. [From the letter of the law, this custom of washing the hands after a funeral only applies if one was within four Amos of the corpse.^[22] Nevertheless, the custom today is to wash hands upon attending a funeral even if one was not within four Amos of the corpse.^[23] Some have the custom to say the verse “Kaper Liamecha Yisrael” after the washing.^[24]]

Not to enter home before washing:^[25] One who attended a burial [or funeral^[26]] is not to enter into a house until after the washing.^[27] [This applies even if he was not within four Amos of the deceased.^[28]]

Eating, learning Torah before washing:^[29] From the letter of the law, it is permitted to eat foods, and learn Torah, prior to performing the above washing. Nevertheless, it is best to wash the hands immediately after the above actions, in order to remove the impurity right away, as stated above.

How to wash:^[30] From the letter of the law, it suffices for one who attended a funeral, or burial, to wash his hands one time.^[31] Nevertheless, the custom is to wash one’s hands three times [inconsecutively, with a vessel, alternating between hands ^[32]] just as one washes upon awakening in the morning.^[33] [One is not to wash his hands in a river.[34]]

Where to pour the water:^[35] According to Kabbalah, the water is to be poured outside in a slanted area.^[36] [Seemingly, the same applies if the water is poured into the drain of a sink.]

Putting down the vessel: One does not take the vessel from another person’s hand and does not hand the vessel to another person. Rather one places it down and the next person takes it.^[37] The custom is to place the vessel upside down.^[38]

Drying the hands:^[39] One does not dry his hands with a towel and rather lets them dry on their own.

Washing the face: One is to wash his face after attending the funeral/burial.^[40] Practically, it is no longer customary today to wash the face after a funeral or burial.^[41]

Verse of Bala Hamaves Lanetzach: Some recite the following verse upon washing the face: “Bala Hamaves Lanetzach, Umacha Hashem Elokim Dima Meial Kol Panim Vicherpas Amo Yasir Meial Kol Haaretz Ki Hashem Diber”.^[42] Others recite it after washing the hands.^[43]

Going to Mikvah:^[44] Some have the custom to immerse in a Mikvah after a funeral.

1. Sitting and reciting Yosheiv Biseiser seven times:^[45]

Some Poskim^[46] rule that after attending a burial^[47] one is to sit down seven times due to the evil spirits that escort him after attending such an event.^[48] In these countries [in the time and place of the Rama], however, the custom is to only sit three times after washing the hands.^[49] [The main opinion follows the former opinion to sit seven times.^[50]] Each time one sits, one recites Vayehi Noam and Yosheiv Biseiser.^[51] [Practically, many are no longer accustomed to performing the above sitting down session at all.^[52] Others write that the custom is for it to be performed only by the relatives of the deceased.^[53] The Chabad custom, however, is for all participants of a burial, or even a funeral, to perform the above sitting session seven times, as records the first opinion.^[54]]

Not to enter home before sitting and saying Yosheiv Beseiser:^[55] One who attended a burial is not to enter into a house until after the washing and sitting session [of Yosheiv Beseiser].^[56] [Some, however, allow entering into a Beis Midrash prior to the washing and sitting, and wash and sit there, and so is the Chabad custom.[57]]

How it is practically done: After the washing of the hands, one sits down and recites Vayehi Noam and Yosheiv Biseiser seven times. One is to switch places, stand up and sit back down elsewhere, between each time he recites it.^[58] The paragraph of Vayehi Noam and Yosheiv Beseiser is said as follows:^[59] One is to add one word to the last sentence each time he recites it. Thus, the first time he recites it he ends with the word “Ki”. The second time he ends with the word “Ki Malachav”. The third time he ends with the word “Ki Malachav Yitzaveh”. The fourth time he ends with the words “Ki Malachav Yitzaveh Lach”. The fifth time he ends with the words “Lishmorcha”. The sixth time “Lishmorcha Bechol”. The seventh and final time he concludes with “Lishmorcha Bechol Derachecha”.

Paragraph of Mechayeh Meisim:^[60] Some are accustomed to recite the paragraph of Ata Gibor..Mechayeh Meisim^[61] after the recital of Yosheiv Beseiser.

Shabbos/Yom Tov:^[62] The above procedure of sitting and reciting Yosheiv Beseiser is performed even if the burial occurred on Yom Tov, or close to Shabbos, and will thus be performed on Shabbos

 __________________________________________________

[1] See Gesher Hachaim 16:8; Beis Lechem Yehuda 376:4; Kaf Hachaim 4:78-80; Nitei Gavriel 70, 80; Piskeiy Teshuvos 4:25

[2] Darkei Chesed p. 225; Nitei Gavriel 77:3

[3] See Admur Shemiras Haguf 10 “For this reason, the men may not stand in front of the women when they return from the funeral, and they are not to greet them face to face. Rather, the men are to follow either in back of them or in front of them. Upon returning from the funeral or burial , the men are to exit through a different route in order not to greet the women.”; Mavor Yabok Sifsei Rinanos 10 “The widespread custom in all of Eretz Yisrael that at first the men go, and they appoint guards to prevent any of the women from passing until all the men leave. After the burial, the women remain there for approximately 15 minutes until all the men have left.”;

[4] Nitei Gavriel 68:1; 80:1; 16

[5] See Admur 110/9; M”A 110/9; M”B 110/17; Rambam Shoftim Avel 4/4; Rebbe Avin Brachos 64a and Moed Katan 29a; See Nitei Gavriel 80 footnote 1

[6] Beis Yosef 376 in name of Kol Bo 114 “After the burial, the participants say Leich Beshalom and fall on the grave and kiss it in a way of respect.”; Rambam Avel 4:4; Brachos 64a; Moed Katan 29a; Mavor Yabok Minchas Aaron 4; Chochmas Adam Matzeivas Moshe 14; Misgeres Hashulchan 399:1; Gesher Hachaim p. 131

[7] Darkei Moshe 376:5 “Today the custom is to no longer follow any of the above”; Nitei Gavriel ibid

[8] Beis Yosef 376 in name of Kol Bo 114; Raavad in Tamim Deim 185; Orchos Chaim Avel; Mishmeres Shalom Zayin 51; Nitei Gavriel 80:16; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 197:5

[9] Darkei Moshe ibid

[10] Mavor Yabok Sifsei Rinanos 2 regarding time of burial; Darkei Chesed 15:6 that so is custom of Jewry; Nitei Gavriel 77:11

[11] Gesher Hachaim p. 93; Darkei Chesed 16:10; Nitei Gavriel 80:11; See Admur Shemiras Haguf 10 “Upon returning from the funeral or burial, the men are to exit through a different route in order not to greet the women.”; See Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 23 if this custom is only in order to avoid seeing the women, or is for other reasons as well

[12] Michaber Yoreh Deah 376:5; Tur 376; Ramban; Kol Bo; Hagahos Ashri; Machzor Vitru 279; Mavor Yabok Imrei Noam 37; Kitzur SHU”A 199:2; Nitei Gavriel 80:2

Other customs: Some write to throw the earth and grass onto one’s head. [Shach 376:5 and Bier Hagoleh ibid in name of Kol Bo]

[13] One is to uproot the grass together with its earth. [Gesher Hachaim 16:9]

The reason: This hints towards the resurrection, as the bodies will be revived from the earth. [Shach 376:4] Likewise, this represents that in the future the dead will be purified with three items: water, earth and hyssop. [Shach 376:5 in name of Ramban; Chochmas Adam 158:29; Nitei Gavriel 80:2]

[14] Machzor Vitri ibid; Nitei Gavriel ibid; See there footnote 7 that so was seen to be done by Rebbe after the burial of the Rebbetzin, the Rebbe plucked it off the earth with his right hand and threw it behind him three times

[15] Shach 376:4; Chochmas Adam 158:29; Gesher Hachaim ibid

The reason: This verse hints towards the resurrection, as the bodies will be revived from the earth. [Shach ibid]

[16] See Shach ibid; Machzor Vitri ibid; Nitei Gavriel 80:2; see Chochmas Adam ibid; Darkei Chesed 16:11 writes to say this verse

[17] Michaber 547:12; Hagahos Maimanis Yom Tov 2 in name of Maharam; Mamar Mordechai 547; Kneses Hagedola 376; Beir Heiytiv 547:7; Shulchan Gavoa 547:23; Hagahos Rav Akiva Eiger 376:4; M”B 547:25 that so is the custom; Kaf Hachaim 547:43; Gesher Hachaim p. 152; Darkei Chesed 16:11; Chol Hamoed Kehilchasa 12:20; Nitei Gavriel 80:3

Other Poskim: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to do so even on Chol Hamoed. [Hamabit 27; Elya Raba 547, brought in Beir Heiytiv 547:7; Siddur Beis Oveid; Kitzur SHU”A 199:10]

[18] See Nitei Gavriel 80:3

[19] Admur Kama 4:18; Michaber Y.D. 176:4; Rama Y.D. 176:4 “The custom is to be stringent not to allow one to enter a house prior to washing, and the custom of Israel is Torah”; Tur 376:4 [brings different opinions regarding this custom]; M”A 4:21; Chayeh Adam 2:5; Kitzur SHU”A 2:69; M”B 4:43; Darkei Chesed 16:12; Nitei Gavriel 70:1; 80:4-5

[20] So rule regarding one who was near a body but did not touch it: Kama 4/18; Ketzos Hashulchan 2/11; also brought in Chayeh Adam 2:5; Kitzur SH”A 2/9

^[21] See Seder Hayom; Magen Avraham 4:18; Elya Raba 4:12; Peri Megadim 4:18; Kaf Hachaim 4:63; M”B 4:38; Nitei Gavriel 70:1; Omitted by Admur. Vetzaruch Iyun. Based on the above some are particular to wash their hands before entering into their car. [Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 6]

The reason: In order to immediately remove the spirit of impurity from one’s hands and not delay it. [ibid]

[22] Migdal Oz [Yaavetz] brought in Ketzos Hashulchan supplements 1 p. 82; Peri Megadim 4 A”A 21; Kitzur SHU”A 2:9; Poskim in Kaf Hachaim 4:77; Piskeiy Teshuvos 4 footnote 239; Nitei Gavriel 70:1 [However Tzaruch Iyun if the P”M was referring to a funeral or only one who is near a corpse]

[23] Ishkavta Direbbe p. 107; Mishmeres Shalom Reish 8; Nitei Gavriel 70:1 footnote 5 in name of a number of Poskim; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 4 footnote 239 in name of Chazon Ish

[24] Gesher Hachaim ibid

[25] Rama 376:4 regarding returning after burial “The custom is to be stringent not to allow one to enter another’s house prior to washing, and the custom of Israel is Torah”; Beir Heiytiv 4:23; M”B 4:43; Kaf Hachaim 4:80; Nitei Gavriel 70:5-6; 80:10

Entering a Beis Midrash or Shul: Some allow entering into a Beis Midrash prior to the washing and wash there. [Nitei Gavriel 70:5 that so is the Chabad custom to wash the hands in the lobby of the shul and that the Rebbe explained to him that the reason is in order to prevent Bittul Torah]

[26] Beir Heiytiv 4:23; M”B 4:43; Yifei Laleiv brought in Kaf Hachaim 4:77; Kaf Hachaim 4:80; Darkei Chesed 16:13; Nitei Gavriel 70:5-6

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the adherences recorded of washing prior to entering the home and sitting seven times is only for one who attended the burial or was within 4 Amos of the deceased, however, one who simply participated in a Levaya and was not within 4 Amos of the deceased, does not need to adhere by these matters. [Chochmas Adam 158:29; Misgeres Hashulchan 199:3; See Darkei Chesed 16:13; Nitei Gavriel 70:5-6 footnote 16]

[27] The reason: In order not to enter the evil spirits into the home. [Levush 376:4]

[28] Nitei Gavriel 70:6 that so is Minhag Haolam; See other opinions in previous footnote

[29] See Admur 7:2; 613:4; 92:6; Seder Birchas Hanehnin 13:17; M”B 4:61 and 227:11; Peri Megadim 227 A.A. 2 explicitly allows saying a blessing before washing hands from impurity; Maharsham 4:148 brought in Shearim Hametzuyanim Behalacha 2:5 regarding learning while cutting nails; and so rules Piskeiy Teshuvos 4:32; 237:8; Nitei Gavriel 80:5

The reason: The impurity which comes as a result of the above actions is not the same type of impurity as that which resides when one awakens from sleeping at night, and thus it does not hold the restriction mentioned prior to washing hands in the morning.

Other Opinions: Kaf Hachaim [Falagi] and Chesed Lealafim [brought in Kaf Hachaim 4:61] learn that all the laws that apply prior to morning washing likewise apply towards one who has the impure spirit through leaving the bathroom and the like. So rules Kaf Hachaim 227:16 that a blessing may not be said until one washes his hands.

[30] See Nitei Gavriel 70:1

[31] Admur Kama 4:18; M”A 4:17; Seder Hayom; Kneses Hagedola; Nimukeiy Orach Chaim 4:2

Other Opinions: Olas Tamid writes that possibly one is required to pour three times on his hand just like is required upon awakening in the morning. So rules also: Shlah Shaar Haosiyos 9; Lev Chaim 1:63; Kaf Hachaim [Falagi] 7:26; Ruach Chaim 4:3; Chesed Lealafim brought in Kaf Hachaim 4:61. The following Poskim rule that some actions require three times while others do not: Soles Belula 4:14; Machazik Bracha 4:6 in name of Makor Chaim; Elya Raba 4:12; P”M 4 A”A 17; Machatzis Hashekel 17; Ben Ish Chaiy Toldos 16-17; Kaf Hachaim 4:61 concludes that one who is stringent to wash three times after all the above actions is holy.

[32] Ketzos Hashulchan 2 footnote 29

[33] Ketzos Hashulchan 2 footnote 29; Mavor Yabok Sefas Emes 35 regarding three times “One is to pour three times like Netilas Yadayim in the morning, as it is Bas Melech, and she remains for up until three washes”; See Elya Raba 4:12; Machatzis Hashekel 4:17; Soles Belula 4:14; Machazik Bracha 4:6 in name of Makor Chaim; Ben Ish Chaiy Toldos 16; Kaf Hachaim 4:61; Olas Tamid; Shlah Shaar Haosiyos 9; Lev Chaim 1:63; Kaf Hachaim [Falagi] 7:26; Ruach Chaim 4:3; Chesed Lealafim brought in Kaf Hachaim 4:61.

[34] Kneses Hagedola 376;13; Gilyon Maharsha 376 due to Cherem Hakadmonim

[35] Mavor Yabok Sefas Emes 35; Nitei Gavriel 70:2

[36] The reason: This allows the Kelipos to get their share from the water and leave the hands of the person. [Mavor Yabok ibid] Likewise, this will cause the water to get lost and not be reused.

[37] Beis Lechem Yehuda 376:4; Lechem Hapanim 376; Elya Raba 224:7; Rav Akiva Eiger 376; Chochmas Adam 144:30; Kitzur SHU”A 199:10; Kaf Hachaim 4:79; Gesher Hachaim ibid; Nitei Gavriel 70:3

[38] Nitei Gavriel 70:2 that so is custom of world and that so is the Chabad custom. Some say this is because we are particular not to leave any water in the vessel. [See Mavor Yabok 19; Piskeiy Teshuvos 4 footnote 246]

Other customs: Some are not particular to turn the cup over. [Minhag Square; Chayeh Levi 1:100]

[39] Beis Lechem Yehuda 376:4 as the custom of Jerusalem; Lechem Hapanim 376; Shiyurei Kneses Hagedola 376:14 that so is custom; Mavor Yabok Sifsei Rinanos 19; Kitzur SHU”A 199:10; Gilyon Maharsha 376:4; Gesher Hachaim ibid; Darkei Chesed 16:12; Nitei Gavriel 70:4

Other Opinions: Some Poskim rule it is not necessary to avoid drying the hands after washing. [Minhagei Maharil; Ikarei Daat 35:7; Siddur Beis Oveid; Yifei Laleiv 3:376-3; Gilyon Maharsha; Pachad Yitzchak Beis Kever; See Kaf Hachaim 4:78; Ben Ish Chaiy Toldos 16 rules one may be lenient to dry the hands in a cold area; See Nitei Gavriel 70:4 footnote 11]

[40] M”A 4:20 in name of Teshuvos Maharil; Kneses Hagedola 376:12 brought in Gilyon Maharsha 376; Gesher Hachaim ibid; Nitei Gavriel 70:8

[41] Darkei Moshe 376:7 write this is no longer the custom and so concludes Nitei Gavriel 70:8

[42] Beis Lechem Yehuda 376; See Tashbeitz 349; Yosef Ometz 327; Gesher Hachaim ibid

[43] Darkei Chesed 16:12

[44] Shulchan Hatahor; Pela Yoetz “Taharah”; Moed Kol Chaiy 12 brought in Piskeiy Teshuvos 4 footnote 243; Nitei Gavriel 70:9; 80:17

[45] Rama 376:4; Tur 376; Rashbam Bava Basra 100b; Mavor Yabok Sefas Emes 31; Sifsei Rinanos 20; Imrei Noam 37; Chochmas Adam 158:29; Kitzur SHU”A 199:10; Beis Lechem Yehuda 376; Darkei Chesed 16:13; Nitei Gavriel 80:6-9 and many Poskim and Sefarim brought in footnote 13-14; See Tur 376:1 and Bava Basra 100b that the custom was to perform seven Mamados and Moshavos in the cemetery after the burial, and hence this custom of sitting seven times corresponds to the original custom of Mamados

[46] Opinion in Rama ibid; Maharil Teshuvah 23;

Other opinions: Some Poskim completely negate the performance of the seven sittings as a) it should only be done in communities with an established custom of doing so and b) It is to only be done inside the cemetery. [Darkei Moshe 376:4 in name of Nemukei Yosef]

[47] The law by a funeral: The Poskim rule that the adherences recorded of washing prior to entering the home and sitting seven times is only for one who attended the burial, however, one who simply participated in a Levaya, does not need to adhere by these matters. [Tur 376 in name of Kol Bo; Ran end of Moed Katan; Chochmas Adam 158:29; Misgeres Hashulchan 199:3; Aruch Hashulchan 376:10; Yifei Laleiv 5:361; Gesher Hachaim 14:22; See Nitei Gavriel 70:5 footnote 16; 80:10] Nonetheless, the Chabad custom is to do so even by a funeral. [Nitei Gavriel 80:10 footnote 19 that so was done by Rebbe Rashab, the Rebbe and Chabad Chassidim]

[48] The reason: The sitting is done in order to banish the evil spirits which escort a person until he sits down, as each time one sits, the evil spirits run away from the person. [Rama ibid in name of Maharil 23; Beis Lechem Yehuda ibid] Alternatively, it corresponds to the original custom to perform seven Mamados and Moshavos in the cemetery after the burial [See Tur 376:1 and Bava Basra 100b] and hence this custom of sitting seven times corresponds to the original custom of Mamados. [See Darkei Moshe 376:4 in name of Maharil ibid “Neged Shiva Mamaods”]

[49] Rama ibid; Many Poskim and Sefarim in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 13

[50] Shach 376:6 brings the Levush, Perisha and Rashal which rule one is to sit and say Yosheiv Beseiser seven times; Mavor Yabok ibid; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 80 footnote 14 and that so was custom of Rebbe to sit seven times after a Levaya

Other opinions: Gesher Hachaim ibid writes it is said three times. Nitei Gavriel 80:7 writes in name of Elya Raba 295:1 that it suffices for one who is learning Torah or is in the midst of work to sit three times.

[51] The reason: The recital of Vayehi Noam and Yosheiv Beseiser has Kabalistic power to banish evil forces. [Rama ibid in name of Maharil 23; Beis Lechem Yehuda ibid]

[52] Erech Lechem 376; Nehar Mitzrayim 73; Nitei Gavriel 80 footnote 15 that so is the custom of many Sephardic communities, and in footnote 14 that so is custom of most Chevra Kadisha’s to not do so

[53] Gesher Hachaim 16:8 writes it is no longer the custom to perform this procedure with exception to the relatives of the person who passed away.

[54] Nitei Gavriel 80:10 footnote 19 that so was done by Rebbe Rashab, the Rebbe and Chabad Chassidim

[55] Rama 376:4 “The custom is to be stringent not to allow one to enter another’s house prior to washing and sitting, and the custom of Israel is Torah”; Beir Heiytiv 4:23; M”B 4:43; Kaf Hachaim 4:80; Nitei Gavriel 70:5-6; 80:10

[56] The reason: In order not to enter the evil spirits into the home. [Levush 376:4]

[57] See Darkei Moshe 376:4 in name of Nemukei Yosef that the custom was to perform these seven sittings inside the Shul or Beis Hamidrash [although the Nemukei Yosef negates this custom for other reasons]; The Maharil writes the custom is to perform three of the sittings in the cemetery, and another three in the courtyard of the Shul. See Nitei Gavriel 70:5 that so is the Chabad custom to wash the hands in the lobby of the shul and that the Rebbe explained to him that the reason is in order to prevent Bittul Torah

[58] Rashbam ibid

[59] Maharshal in name of grandfather brought in Taz 376:3 and so rules Levush

[60] Shach 376:6; Mavor Yabok Imrei Noam 37; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 73:2 footnote 7

[61] The following is recited:

אתה גיבור לעולם אדני, מחיה מתים אתה, רב להושיע מכלכל חיים בחסד מחיה מתים ברחמים רבים, סומך נופלים, ורופא חולים, ומתיר אסורים, ומקים אמונתו לישני עפר. מי כמוך בעל גבורות ומי דומה לך, מלך ממית ומחייה ומצמיח ישועה: ונאמן אתה להחיות מתים.

[62] Rama ibid; Chok Yaakov 429:7; Chochmas Adam ibid; Kitzur SHU”A ibid; Nitei Gavriel 80:9