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For how long must one escort the deceased? One is at the very least to escort the deceased for the distance of four Amos.[1] [Ideally, however, one is to escort the deceased until the cemetery.[2] One is to remain there until after the burial.[3] However, the custom is not to be particular to do so and rather to escort the deceased for four Amos.[4] If the deceased will not have a Minyan or enough helpers, then he must escort him until the cemetery.[5] Those who only escort four Amos, the custom is for them not to leave the area until the deceased is out of site.[6]]
Escorting from behind:[7] One is to escort the deceased from behind the deceased and not from in front of him.
Not to touch the body or casket:[8] A Baal Keri or Nida is not to touch the body or casket throughout the funeral and burial, [once the Taharah is performed].
What to say:[9] While escorting the deceased, the participants are to recite Psalm 91 “Yosheiv Beseiser.” The Psalm is repeated until the deceased arrives at the cemetery. [One may also recite other verses of Tehillim[10] and so is the custom in Eretz Yisrael.[11]]
Standing during a funeral:[12] Even in those circumstances that one is not obligated to escort the deceased one is nevertheless required to stand in his presence.[13] [If the deceased was a scholar, then one is required to stand in his presence in his own right.[14] Even if the deceased was not a scholar, one is obligated to stand due to the people escorting him who are fulfilling the Mitzvah of Gemilus Chassadim.[15] The custom in Bagdad was that whenever a funeral procession was passing a home, the people in the home would all stand up until the entire procession passed.[16]]
Conversation: It is only permitted to speak in the presence of the deceased of matters relating to the funeral/burial, or his eulogy.[17] It is however forbidden to talk of mundane matters within four cubits of the deceased [if he is outside, or within the same room if he is inside[18]].[19] [Throughout the funeral, one is not to speak mundane speech even if one is a distance of four Amos from the deceased.[20]] Those eulogizers who intend to impress the crowd with their oratory skills, are certainly not doing the proper thing. Many Gedolim were particular on this matter.[21]
Greetings/Shalom Aleichem:[22] In a small town, the townspeople may not greet each other [i.e. Shoalim Shalom] so long as the deceased is in the city.[23] [In a large town, however, it permitted to greet others, if the person who died was not famous and his death is not felt throughout the city.[24]] It goes without saying that one may not greet others in the cemetery during the burial proceedings [or during the funeral[25]].[26] This applies even in a large city.[27] [Today, however, many are lenient in this matter and permit to greet others.[28] Others argue against this custom.[29] One who chooses to be lenient, may only be lenient regarding saying good morning and other greetings of the like, however not regarding the words “Shalom Aleichem.”[30]]
Learning Torah: It is forbidden to speak Torah in the presence of the deceased.[31] This prohibition applies even past four cubits of the deceased.[32] It is however permitted to speak words of Torah in relation to the deceased, and in respect of the deceased, even within his four cubits.[33] [One may thus learn Mishnayos in his honor and so is the custom.[34]]
Kerias Shema and other Mitzvos:[35] Those participating in the funeral procession, remain obligated in reciting Kerias Shema [and all Mitzvos] unless they are helping with transporting the body, in which case they are exempt from Shema and all Mitzvos during that time.[36] Thus, the Chevra Kadisha, and all those taking turns to hold the body, are exempt from Shema.[37]
Davening:[38] Those participating in the funeral procession are exempt from Davening Shacharis, Mincha, and Maariv, during the time of the funeral.
Wearing Tzitzis:[39] One may not wear revealed Tzitzis when he is within four Amos [192 cm] of the deceased, just as is the law by a cemetery, and he is thus required to cover his Tzitzis.
- The pallbearers are not to wear shoes:[40]
In those communities in which there are set people who carry the deceased, they are prohibited from wearing sandals, lest the sandal tear and cause a delay. [Some Poskim[41] understand this prohibition to refer specifically to sandals, being that they have higher chances of tearing. However, shoes which are well fitted onto the foot, may be worn. Other Poskim[42], however, understand this prohibition to include all forms of shoes, and hence the pallbearers must walk barefoot. Practically, today that everyone joins in carrying the body, everyone may wear sandals or shoes.[43] However, in those communities, or by those funerals, who only allow a select number of people to be involved in carrying the body, then those people must remove their shoes beforehand, and those who do not do so are doing an improper act.[44] If, however, they allow others to takeover if one of the pallbearers gets delayed, then it is permitted for them to wear shoes, and so is the custom.[45] Likewise, if the funeral contains a very short walking procession, and there are many designated pallbearers, it is permitted to go with shoes.[46]]
- Eating bread-Having a set meal on the day of the funeral:[47]
[On the day of burial[48]] it is forbidden for [the relatives and people of the city[49]] to eat a set meal until after the burial takes place [unless there are people who have taken charge of the burial, such as the Chevra Kadisha[50]].[51] [Nevertheless, those relatives who are coordinating the funeral/burial together with the Chevra Kadisha, are not to eat a set meal on that day. It goes without saying that the Chevra Kadisha cannot eat a set meal until after the burial.[52] Those participating in the funeral are permitted to eat prior to the funeral or burial so long as the Chevra Kadisha has taken charge.[53]]
- Stepping on graves during the funeral/burial:[54]
Although it is forbidden to step on a grave[55], it is permitted for those carrying the body of the deceased for burial to step on other graves if necessary.[56] This may be done even if there is another route available, if stepping over the graves is a shorter route to the burial spot.[57] The same applies regarding anyone attending the funeral, that if necessary, he may step on a grave while walking.[58] [However, one may not sit on the grave.[59] Likewise, one may not remain standing on it.[60]]
- Separation of men and women-Not to look at women during, or after, the Levaya:[61]
Throughout the proceedings of the funeral and burial it is forbidden to look at the faces of the women attending the funeral/burial.[62] This applies while the women are at the funeral and when the women return from the funeral or burial.[63] [However, those women who did not attend the funeral do not need to be abstained from.[64] Some Poskim[65] rule that the above adherence is only necessary if the person was killed by the Malach Hamaves, such as due to natural causes. If, however, he is a murder victim, then the Malach Hamaves does not attend the funeral, and there is no need to avoid seeing the women.]
Separation of men and women through the funeral proceedings: For the above reason, the men may not stand in front of the women when they return from the funeral, and they are not to greet them face to face during the funeral. Rather, during the funeral, the men are to follow either in back of the women or in front of them, and after the funeral, the men are not to stand in front of the women [at all, even with their backs to the women[66]]. Upon returning from the funeral or burial[67], the men are to exit through a different route in order not to greet the women. [In some communities the custom is for the men to leave prior to the women, and for the women to delay and stay by the grave until 15 minutes pass from after the men left.[68] Others are accustomed to do the contrary and have the women leave before the men.] (If, however, there are less than seven women present, there is no need to worry so much of this matter.[69])
What to do in case one sees a woman: In the event that one comes face to face with the women, he is to skip four Amos [6 feet] from his current position, and if there is a river present, he is to cross it. Alternatively, if there is another route, he is to take that route. If there is a wall he is to stand behind the wall until the women pass. If this too is not possible, then one is to turn his face away from the women and say the verse “Vayomer Hashem El HaSatan Yigar Hashem Becha etc” until all the women pass. (If, however, there are less than seven women present, there is no need to worry so much of this matter.[70])
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[1] Michaber 361:3; Tur 361 in name of Rosh and Rabbeinu Yona; Rashal Kesubos 2:5
[2] Chareidim 6; Mishmeres Shalom Lamed 1; Shevet yehuda 361; Yad Eliyahu 53; Yifei Laleiv 361; Minchas Elazar 4:2; Ahavas Chesed 3:5; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 65:4 footnote 6
[3] Ahavas Chesed 3:5
[4] China Vechisda Kesubos 17a; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 65:4 footnote 6
[5] Yad Eliyahu 24, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 361:2; See Shach 361:4; Ahavas Chesed 3:5
[6] See Leket Yosher 2:88; Rashal Kesubos 2:5; Sdei Chemed Aveilus 190; Gesher Hachaim p. 131; Nitei Gavriel 65:24 footnote 31
[7] Nitei Gavriel 65:3 in name of Yosef Ometz
[8] Seder Hillel Hazakein brought in Lechem Hapanim 362:4; Nitei Gavriel 45:19; 49:12
[9] Mavor Yabok Imrei Noam 18; Mishmeres Shalom Nun 32; Darkei Chaim Vehsalom 25; Gesher Hachaim p. 130; Darkei Chesed p. 63; Nitei Gavriel 65:10 footnote 13
[10] Darkei Chesed ibid
[11] Nitei Gavriel ibid
[12] Michaber 361:4; Tur 361 in name of Maharitz Geios and Yerushalmi
[13] The reason: As one is obligated to stand in honor of a person fulfilling a Mitzvah, and when a funeral is taking place all the participants are fulfilling the Mitzvah of Gemilus Chassadim. [Taz ibid; Tur ibid; Yerushalmi ibid]
[14] Implication of Taz 361:2 based on story in Moed Katan; Pischeiy Teshuvah 361:3 based on Taz ibid
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one is not required to stand in the presence of a deceased scholar. [Yad Eliyahu 54, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah ibid]
[15] Taz ibid based on Tur ibid; Yerushalmi ibid
[16] Ben Ish Chaiy Ki Seitzei 2:19
[17] Michaber 344:16; Brachos 3b; Taz 344:5 “Speaking in the presence of the deceased is only permitted out of respect for him, however speech that is not said out of respect for the deceased is certainly forbidden.”
[18] Shach 344:11 in name of Mordechai end of Moed Katan; Beir Hagoleh in name of Mordechai; Beir Heiytiv 344:8; Elya Raba 1:4; M”B 45:2 in name of Ateres Zekeinim; This opinion is omitted from Admur ibid; See Shvus Yaakov 3:8 in name of Rashba, brought in Shaareiy Teshuvah 1:2 that the custom is not to be careful against walking four Amos being people consider the entire house as four Amos.
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even in a single room, words of Torah is permitted at a distance of four Amos from the body. [M”B ibid in name of Magen Giborim]
[19] Shach 344:11 in name of Bach; See Taz 344:5
Other opinions: It is implied from Michaber ibid that it is permitted to speak mundane matters in his presence, even within four cubits. [Shach ibid]
[20] Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 65:19 footnote 26
[21] Taz 344:5
[22] 343:2
[23] Michaber 343:2; Ramban Toras Hadam; Miseches Semachos
[24] Aruch Hashulchan 343:4
[25] Salmas Chaim 417; Gesher Hachaim p. 130; Darkei Chesed p. 62; Even Yaakov 55; Nitei Gavriel 65:12 and 15 footnote 17; See Sefer Chassidim 741
[26] Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 2:25in name of Sefer Chassidim
[27] Shach 343:3; Terumos Hadeshen 25 in name of Sefer Chassidim
[28] Besi Lechem Yehuda 3243; See Rama 385:1
The reason: As the greetings of today are not considered like the greetings of back then. [Beis Lechem Yehuda; See Rama ibid] This is not a justifiable reason, as according to this reason one should be able to greet the mourners even within Shloshim, and we have not found any Posek who is lenient in this matter. [Shach 385:2; See also M”A 554:21; Rav Akiva Eiger 385:1] Some Poskim however justify this custom based on the fact that majority of today’s greetings do not involve saying the word Shalom but rather simply good morning and the like, and these greetings are not prohibited under Sheilas Shalom. [Beir Heiytiv 385:2 and Gilyon Maharsha ibid based on Admur 89:3 and Beis Yosef in name of Riy; Likewise, the Darkei Moshe 89 states that it is only considered Shalom if one mentions Hashem’s name] This allowance however only applies after the Shloshim. [See Elya Raba O.C. 554:20; See Q&A!]
[29] Beis Lechem Yehuda ibid in name of M”A 554:21; See previous footnote
[30] Elya Raba O.C. 554:20; See Beir Heiytiv 385:2 in previous footnote!
[31] Michaber 344:16
[32] Shach 344:11 in implication of Michaber ibid; Bach 344; Taz 344:5; Tur in name of Rav Haiy Gaon
[33] Michaber 344:17; Nimukei Yosef; Shach ibid in name of Bach and that so is custom
[34] Mishmeres Shalom Lamed 42 in name of Poskim; Nitei Gavriel 10:8 footnote 15
[35] Michaber 358:1; O.C. 72:1; Admur 72:1; Mishneh Brachos 17b; Nitei Gavriel 64:11
[36] The reason: As one who is involved in fulfilling a Mitzvah is exempt from other Mitzvos. [Shach 358:1]
[37] Admur ibid
[38] Admur 106:1; 72:1; Michaber 106:1; Mishneh Brachos 17b; Nitei Gavriel 64:11
[39] Admur 23:4; Michaber 23:3
[40] Michaber 358:3
[41] Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 358
[42] Taz 358:1
[43] Shach 358:3
[44] Taz 358:1
[45] Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 358
[46] Beis Lechem Yehuda 358
[47] M”A 526:21 and Taz 526:6 in name of Midrash; Lechem Hapanim 375; Chochmas Adam 170:5; Kitzur SHU”A 200:7; M”B 526:52; Nitei Gavriel 71:1
[48] Shaareiy Teshuvah 526; Misgeres Hashulchan 200:3
[49] Mor Uketzia, brought in Shaareiy Teshuvah 526; Misgeres Hashulchan 200:3
[50] Shaareiy Teshuvah 526; Misgeres Hashulchan 200:3
[51] The reason: As the verse states “Lo Sochlu Al Hadam,” which means that one should not eat until the person is buried. [Poskim ibid]
[52] Nitei Gavriel ibid
[53] Daas Kedoshim Y.D. 343; Nitei Gavriel 71:2-3
[54] Taz 364:1; See also Chochmas Adam 158:12; Nitei Gavriel 75:8
[55] Taz ibid; Rashal in understanding of Hagahos Ashri, brought in Taz ibid, that it is forbidden to step on it as it is forbidden in benefit; Yad Eliyahu 54, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 364:2, that it is only permitted for the sake of a Mitzvah; Kitzur SHU”A ibid
The reason: Some Poskim explain that it is forbidden to step on a grave being that it is forbidden in benefit. [Rashal in understanding of Hagahos Ashri, brought in Taz ibid; Kitzur SHU”A ibid] Other Poskim explain that although there is no real benefit received from standing on it, as it is easier to stand on solid ground then on a grave. Nevertheless, standing on a grave is not respectful to the dead, and is hence only permitted for the sake of a Mitzvah. [Yad Eliyahu 54; Pischeiy Teshuvah 364:2]
[56] Rashbam on Bava Basra 101, brought in Taz ibid
The reason: Although a grave is forbidden in benefit, there is no real benefit received from stepping on it, as it is easier to walk on solid ground then over a grave. Nevertheless, walking on a grave is not respectful to the dead, and is hence only permitted for the sake of a Mitzvah. [Yad Eliyahu 54; Pischeiy Teshuvah 364:2]
[57] Kesav Sofer Y.D. 109; Levushei Mordechai Tinyana Y.D. 138; Nitei Gavriel 75:9
[58] Taz ibid; Kitzur SHU”A ibid
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the allowance to step on a grave is only if it is for the need of a Mitzvah. [Yad Eliyahu 54; Pischeiy Teshuvah 364:2]
[59] 1st opinion in Rama 364:1
[60] Implication of Taz ibid that only a temporary walk over is permitted; However, see Yad Eliyahu 54, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 364:2, who implies that even standing on a grave for the sake of a Mitzvah is permitted.
[61] Admur Shemiras Guf Vinefesh Halacha 10; Brachos 51a; Mavor Yabok Sifsei Rinanos 10; See Shach 359:2; Nitei Gavriel 68:2
[62] The reason: As the angel of death dances and walks in front of the women, and he has permission to cause them damage, as he ascends and prosecutes and descends and takes another life. [Admur ibid; Gemara ibid; Zohar Vayakhel 196]
[63] Admur ibid “And the same applies when they are escorting the body”; See Y.D. Michaber 359:2 “Women are to be prevented from entering the cemetery by a funeral.”; Shach 359:2 “If the women follow after the dead in the cemetery by the funeral, they cause evil to the world Ch”v”; The Poskim learn that the main prohibition and danger is specifically when the women return from the burial, although it also slightly applies during the funeral. [See Kitzur SHU”A 198:10; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 68 footnote 9]
[64] Daas Kedoshim 343:3; Nitei Gavriel 68:6
[65] Beis Lechem Yehuda 359 in name of Beis Yaakov 72; Nitei Gavriel 68:5
[66] This implies that after the funeral one should not stand in front of the women, whether he is facing them, or walking in front of them with his back to their faces. This is different than the law of women during the funeral, in which the only restriction is to see them face to face, however, one may walk in front of them, with ones back to their face.
[67] Admur ibid does not differentiate between the two; See also Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 68:7 footnote 14
[68] Mavor Yabok Sifsei Rinanos 10 “The widespread custom in all of Eretz Yisrael that at first the men go, and they appoint guards to prevent any of the women from passing until all the men leave. After the burial, the women remain there for approximately 15 minutes until all the men have left.”
[69] Admur ibid; Zohar ibid; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 68:4 footnote 11
[70] Admur ibid; Zohar ibid; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 68:4 footnote 11
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