1. Which relatives are required to keep Aveilus?[1]

A. The list of relatives:[2]

All deceased relatives whom a Kohen is obligated to defile himself for their sake of burial, one is required to mourn. These [Biblically[3]] include the following relatives: Father, mother, son [including the firstborn son[4]], daughter, paternal brother, paternal sister who is a virgin[5], and one’s wife[6]. The Sages added to this list also one’s maternal brother and sister, whether one’s sister is a virgin or is married, and one’s paternal sister who is married.[7] [Thus, there are a total of seven relatives for whom one must mourn.]

Spouse:[8] One is Biblically required to mourn for his wife, as stated above, and just like a husband must mourn the passing of a wife, similarly a wife must mourn the passing of her husband. This however only applies to a woman who he was permissibly married to. However, by a forbidden marriage, or a woman who he was only engaged to, the spouses do not mourn each other’s passing.

Passing of bastard son/sibling:[9] A parent is required to mourn the passing of a child even if the child was invalid [i.e. Mamzer]. Likewise, a sibling must mourn the passing of a sibling even if the child was invalid. However, if the child/sibling was born from a gentile woman, in which case the child is a gentile, then the father and siblings are not required to mourn this child’s passing.

Mourning if the deceased asked not to be mourned:  See Halacha 9!

Summary: One is obligated to mourn for the following relatives: 1.      Father 2.      Mother 3.      Son 4.      Daughter 5.      Spouse 6.      Brother, whether paternal or maternal. 7.      Sister, including the half-brother and half-sister, whether single or married, whether paternal or maternal. Q&A What is the law if one sat Shiva for the wrong relative, such as if he later discovered that in truth it was a different relative who died?[10] If one sat Shiva under assumption that a certain relative passed away and then discovered it was a different relative who passed away, in some cases his Shiva is valid and in others the Shiva is invalid.[11]

B. Children mourning:[12]

A child [below Bar/Bas Mitzvah] who has lost a relative for whom he/she is obligated to mourn, is not obligated to observe any laws of Aveilus [Shiva; Shloshim] with exception to Keriah.[13] This applies even if the child has reached the age of Chinuch.[14]

Keriah: A child [even below Chinuch] whose relative passed away is to have his garment torn by others. See Chapter 6 Halacha 1B for the full details of this subject!

A child who became Bar Mitzvah during Shiva/Shloshim: Some Poskim[15] rule that a child who became Bar/Bas Mitzvah during the Shiva [or Shloshim] of a relative, is not obligated to keep Shiva or any laws of Aveilus even after he becomes Bar Mitzvah.[16] Other Poskim[17] rule a child who became Bar/Bas Mitzvah within the Shloshim from the burial, then he is to keep Shiva and Shloshim from that day and onwards. Practically, we rule like the former opinion that the child remains exempt from all mourning.[18] [This applies even if he only discovered the death after he became Bar/Bas Mitzvah. If, however, he became Bar/Bas Mitzvah between the death and burial, he is obligated in Aveilus.[19]]

Q&A If a child became Bar/Bas Mitzvah during the year of Aveilus for a parent, is he to follow the mourning laws applicable for the 12 months? Some Poskim[20] suggest that perhaps, although the child is exempt from Shiva and Shloshim, nevertheless he/she is obligated to keep the mourning laws applicable for the first 12 months.[21] Some[22] however conclude that one who is lenient has upon whom to rely. Should children continue going to Cheder during the Shiva?[23] Ideally, they are to go to Cheder and continue their learning[24], as this is one of the reasons for why children are exempt from Aveilus.

C. Relatives of Aveilim: Mourning customs kept by son/daughter in-law; grandchildren; grandparents and cousins:[25]

The letter of the law:[26] All those who mourn, their relatives must mourn with them if their relative dies and they enter into a state of mourning. This means to say that all relatives of Aveilim, who are of a degree of relation that they would have to mourn the Avel in the event of his passing, are required to likewise keep all laws of mourning together with him. This applies only when the relative is present in front of the Avel.[27] [The relative is required to keep all laws of Aveilus in the Avel’s presence. This applies throughout the Shiva and Shloshim.[28] This includes the performance of Keriah[29], Seudas Havraah, and all the laws of Shiva and Shloshim.[30]] However, when the relative is not in the presence of the Avel, no mourning laws need to be kept by him.

The custom:[31] Some Poskim[32] rule that today it is no longer accustomed for relatives of the Aveilim to keep mourning laws together with them, even in their presence.[33] Practically, so is the custom today that relatives do not mourn at all together with the Aveilim, and anyone who decides to be stringent in this matter is considered to be doing a puzzling act.[34] Being stringent in this is to be discouraged.[35] Nevertheless, the custom is for relatives of the Aveilim to keep certain laws of Aveilus up until the first Motzei Shabbos, as explained next.

Mourning customs kept by relatives of Aveilim up until first Motzei Shabbos:[36] Although the custom today is for relatives not to mourn together with the Aveilim, nevertheless, the custom is for the relatives of the Aveilim to keep certain mourning laws throughout the first week, until after the first Shabbos. [These laws are:[37] 1) Not to bathe[38] [in hot water; it is however permitted to bathe in warm or cold water[39]]. This applies even on Erev Shabbos[40]; 2) Not to wear all one’s regular Shabbos clothing on Shabbos[41]; [However, the widespread custom today amongst most Jewry is for even Aveilim to wear Shabbos clothing on Shabbos, as explained in Chapter 20 Halacha 4] 3) Not to attend a Seudas Mitzvah, such as a Bris Milah[42] [wedding and the like], and not attend a party and meal of friends[43] even if one plans to waiter the meal[44]; 4) Some Poskim[45] rule one is also not to get a haircut; 5) Some Poskim[46] rule one is also not to cut nails. [The above restrictions apply even when one is not in the presence of the mourner.[47]] All other mourning restrictions are not applicable, and hence they do not need to change their sitting area in Shul.[48] The above restrictions are kept up until the first Motzei Shabbos irrelevant of the amount of days remaining until Motzei Shabbos, whether they are many or few.[49] Thus, if the burial occurred on Friday, the restrictions are kept for only one day, and if the burial occurred on Monday the restrictions are kept for a full week.[50] Immediately after Shabbos, all restrictions are lifted.[51] [Prior to burial, and the start of Shiva, none of these restrictions apply.[52] All the above follows the ruling of the Rama as is recorded in Achronim. Many today however are not accustomed for the relatives of the Aveilim to keep even the mourning restrictions listed above.[53] Practically, each community is to follow his custom or Rav.[54] See footnote for Chabad custom.[55]]

The relatives who are to follow the above mourning customs:[56] The custom is for all the relatives of the deceased who are invalid for testimony on his behalf[57], to keep the above-mentioned mourning laws until the first Motzei Shabbos. [This includes the following relatives of the deceased: 1) Grandchildren[58]; 2) Grandparents[59]; 3) Son and daughter in law[60]; 4) First Cousins[61] [however the widespread custom is to be lenient by first cousins[62]]; 5) Step son/daughter of father’s wife[63]. The above only applies to blood relatives. It however does not include those who are relatives through marriage [with exception to a son and daughter in law] and hence one does not need to follow any mourning restrictions upon the passing of a sister in-law [brother’s wife], brother in-law [sister’s husband], or son/daughter in law.[64]]

One’s spouse:[65] One does not mourn together with his/her spouse when he/she is in mourning for a relative, with exception to when the spouse is in mourning for a parent.[66] Thus, if one’s wife is mourning her father or mother, her husband is to mourn together with her. Likewise, when one’s husband is mourning his father or mother, his wife is to mourn together with him.[67] As stated above, the custom is only to keep the above list of mourning restrictions, and only until the first Motzei Shabbos.[68] When the spouse is in mourning for the passing of other relatives, such as a brother or sister, or a son or daughter from a different marriage, he/she is not to keep any mourning restrictions.[69] Nevertheless, even in such a case, the husband cannot force his wife to beautify herself, although she may serve him and bathe him and make his bed.[70]

Shemua Kerova/Rechoka:[71] The above laws only apply during the Shiva, or if the relative of the Avel heard of the death within thirty days from death  [i.e. Shemua Kerova]. If, however, the relative only heard of the passing after thirty days from death[72] [i.e. Shemua Rechoka], he is not required to keep any mourning laws at all, and it has no place to be done.

Summary: The custom is for the relatives of the Aveilim to keep certain mourning laws starting from the burial, throughout the first week, until the first Motzei Shabbos. [Many however are no longer accustomed today to follow these restrictions, and each person is to follow his Rav or community custom.] When: The customs are in effect from after the burial until after Shabbos [Motzei Shabbos]. The list of restrictions: ·        Not to participate in a wedding or any other Seudas Mitzvah, or party with friends. ·        Music: Some do not listen to music, as explained in the Q&A. ·        Bathing: One does not bath or shower in hot water. Warm water is permitted. ·        Haircut: One does not take a haircut. ·        Nails: One does not cut his nails. The restrictions apply towards the following relatives of the deceased: ·        Grandchildren. ·        Grandparents ·        Son or daughter in-law. ·        Cousins. [Even amongst those who follow the above custom today, many are lenient regarding cousins]. Q&A If the person passed away before Yom Tov, when are the relatives of the Avel to keep their customary mourning laws?[73] The laws are to be kept until Yom Tov.   If the person passed away during Yom Tov, when are the relatives of the Avel to keep their customary mourning laws?[74] If the person passed away during Yom Tov, then the relatives of the Avel are to keep the customary mourning laws after Yom Tov, when the Aveilim sit Shiva. May the relatives of the Aveilim listen to music during their days of restrictions?[75] No. May the relatives of the Aveilim attend a wedding of a close relative during their days of restrictions?[76] Yes. May the relatives of the Aveilim have marital relations during their days of restrictions?[77] Yes.

 

D. Ger/convert mourning a relative:[78]

A convert does not mourn the passing of his relatives. This applies even if his relatives converted as well. Thus, a convert does not mourn the passing of his children who converted.[79] Likewise, a convert does not mourn the passing of a parent who converted.[80] [Likewise, a convert who had a Jewish father does not mourn his passing.[81] If, however, the mother converted while pregnant with the child, then the mother and child mourn each other’s passing, although the child and father do not mourn each other’s passing even if he converted with them.[82] A convert mourns the passing of a child born to him after his conversion, just as is the law by any other Jew. A convert is not required to mourn the passing of his mentor who converted him/her, even if he was part of their household.[83] Practically, the child may choose to mourn a non-Jewish parent if not doing so will cause embarrassment to the family.[84]]

 

E. Non-relatives keeping laws of Aveilus despite lack of obligation:[85]

One who desires to be stringent upon himself and mourn the death of a person for whom he is not obligated to mourn, or to wear black clothing of mourning, is not to be protested. [Nevertheless, he may only follow mourning restrictions in non-Mitzvah related matters, however it is forbidden for him to follow the laws of Shiva that restrict fulfillment of Mitzvos, such as not learning Torah and not having marital relations.[86]]

Q&A May an ex-wife mourn the passing of her divorced husband?[87] Although she is exempt from mourning, she may do so if she wishes and there is no prohibition in the matter. May one mourn the passing of an adopted parent or relative?[88] Although he is exempt from mourning, he may do so if he wishes.

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[1] Michaber 374:4; Moed Katan 20b; See Pnei Baruch chapter 9; Nitei Gavriel 126

If deceased is Rasha: See Rama 340:5 [no Aveilus for Baal Aveiros]; Shach 340:8 [even Liteiavon]; Pischeiy Teshuvah 340:4 [only if Lehachis]; Nitei Gavriel 53:2

[2] Michaber 374:4; Moed Katan 20b; Yevamos 22b adds wife

[3] This does not mean to say that the Shiva or Shloshim is of Biblical status, but simply that the subject of mourning Biblcially applies to these relatives and hence the Rabbinical mourning laws of Shiva and Shloshim apply to these relatives due to Biblcial definition.

[4] Firstborn, or eldest, son: Some Poskim rule one is not to mourn after the passing of the first son, or the oldest son that dies to a parent. [Opinion in Rama 374:11; Minhag brought in Kol Bo 114; Rivash 95; Orchos Chaim 2] The reason for this is because the firstborn son belongs to Hashem. [Poskim ibid] In truth, this is a baseless, and mistaken custom and a parent is obligated to mourn them. [Rama ibid; Beis Yosef 374; Rivash ibid; Kol Bo ibid regarding non-Bechoros] Nevertheless, based on this, the custom in the Ashkenazi cities became that the father and mother do not attend the funeral of their first son. [Rama ibid]

[5] Michaber ibid; Ramban 

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that one is Biblically obligated to mourn for one’s paternal sister even if is no longer a virgin and is married. [Rambam Avel 2:2] This ruling of the Rambam contains no explicit source and the Mefarshim all question it; See kesef Mishneh ibid; Rambam La’am footnote 7

[6] See next for other opinions!

[7] Although a Kohen may not impurify himself to these relatives, nevertheless the Sages established that one must mourn for their passing. [Michaber ibid]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one is Biblically obligated to mourn a paternal sister, even if married. [Rambam 2:2, brought in Gilyon Maharsha 374] The Ramban questioned his ruling, as a Kohen may not impurify himself to her. [Gilyon Maharsha ibid]

[8] Michaber 374:4 [regarding wife or husband]; Rambam Avel 2:1 [regarding wife or husband, although rules it is Rabbinical]; Rosh; Yevamos 22b regarding wife

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that one is only Rabbinically obligated to mourn for one’s wife or husband. [Rambam ibid]

Shomeres Yavam-sister in-law: One whose sister in-law became a Yevama to him after the passing of her husband, his brother, then if she passes away prior to Chalitza, some Poskim rule the brother in-laws must mourn her passing, just as a Kohen may impurify himself for her. [Masas Moshe 27; Gilyon Maharsha 374; Rav Akiva Eiger 374] The same applies vice versa, that the sister in-law is required to mourn the passing of her brother in-law. [Pnei Baruch 9:3] Other Poskim however rule a brother in-law does not mourn the passing of his Yevama sister in-law, and the same applies vice versa. [Kneses Hagedola 374:1; Perach Mateh Aaron 2:100; Nechpa Bakesef 1; Birkeiy Yosef 374; Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:2] Practically, the majority of Poskim rule they do not mourn each other’s passing. [Pnei Baruch ibid footnote 3]

Estranged wife/husband: A couple that suffers from marital strife and the husband decided to divorce the wife, some Poskim rule that the husband is not required to mourn the passing of his wife. [Rashal Gittin 4; Rav Akiva Eiger 374; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 9 footnote 4 and Nitei Gavriel 126:3 footnote 3] Seemingly, the same applies vice versa, that the wife is not required to mourn the passing of her husband. [See Pnei Baruch 9 footnote 4] Other Poskim however argue that they are required to mourn each other’s death even in such a case. [Beis Meir E.H. 90:5; Maharashdam E.H. 75; Pischeiy Teshuvah E.H. 90:8 in name of Kerem Shlomo, in name of Chasam Sofer; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch and Nitei Gavriel ibid] Practically, if both spouses agreed to the divorce, they are not required to mourn each other’s passing, while if the wife did not agree, a Rav is to be asked. [Nitei Gavriel ibid]

Married second wife with Heter Meiah Rabbanim: See Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 126:2 regarding if he must mourn her death.

[9] Michaber 374:4

[10] So rule regarding Keriah: Michaber 340:24; Nedarim 87a; See Raavad in Tamim Deim 128; Eshkol Aveilus 51; Nitei Gavriel 133:17

[11] See Michaber ibid that if he was told wrong information of who passed away, then a new Keriah must be done if it was not corrected within Kdei Dibbur of the Keriah. The Raavad and Eshkol ibid apply the same rule to Shiva. If, however, he just assumed it was a certain relative, without being told, then some Poskim rule he is Yotzei [Michaber ibid] while others rule he is not. [Shach 340:37 in name of Bach] If he tore Stam, without any specific relative in mind, he is Yotzei. [Michaber ibid; Shach 340:38 in name of Darkei Moshe]

[12] Michaber 396:3; Tur in name of Rosh; See Pnei Baruch 25; Nitei Gavriel 127

[13] The reason: As this would cause him to stop learning Torah for the Shiva, and we do not nullify Torah learning simply for the sake of Chinuch. [Degul Merivava ibid] Alternatively, as children below Bar and Bas Mitzvah are not obligated in the laws of Aveilus, as the entire reason behind keeping Aveilus customs is to arouse repentance from the relatives, however Katan is not required to repent as he is not of age to be punished. [Beis Hillel ibid]

[14] Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 340:15 based on Rosh and Tur and Michaber 396; M”A 551:38; Rokeiach Aveilus 314; Degul Merivava 340; Yad Avraham 381; Beis Hillel 381 based on Rashi Taanis 12b; Levushei Serud 340:15; Chochmas Adam 152:17; Pischeiy Teshuvah 340:10; Igros Moshe 1:124; Nitei Gavriel 105:25; and many Poskim in 127 footnote 1; See Pnei Baruch 25 footnote 9

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that children who have reached the age of Chinuch are obligated to mourn for a relative who passed away and hence must keep all the laws of Aveilus, [unless stated otherwise]. [Derisha, brought in Taz 340:15; All Poskim ibid negate this opinion] Thus, according to this opinion, if the child has a father and is not in a Talmud Torah, he is to be educated by his father to mourn. However, if the child does not have a father, or he is in a Talmud Torah, then he is exempt from Aveilus, as explained in the next footnote. [Shivas Tziyon 61, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 396:2; See Pnei Baruch 25 footnote 9]

[15] Michaber 396:3; Beis Yosef 396; Tur in name of Rosh; Rosh [student of Maharam] in end of Moed Katan; Taz 396:1 [Regarding the contradictory ruling of the Taz 340:15 in name of the Derisha, that even if a child has reached the age of Chinuch he is to be educated to mourn, see Shivas Tziyon 61, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 396:2, that this only applies if the child has a father and is not in a Talmud Torah, in which case he is to be educated by his father to mourn. However if the child does not have a father, or he is in a Talmud Torah, then he is exempt from Aveilus, as explained in the next footnote.];

[16] The reason: As once one is exempt at the time of the obligation, he remains exempt also for the Tashlumin. [Rosh ibid] Alternatively, the reason is because the Chiyuv of Aveilus is specifically at the moment of burial, when the bitterness is greatest, and hence since the child was exempt at that time, there is no obligation for him to keep mourning laws later on. [Taz 396:1 in explanation of ruling of Michaber ibid, and answer of contradiction in Michaber ibid to his ruling in 341 where he rules like the Maharam regarding Havdalah.]

[17] Maharam Merothenberg [teacher of Rosh ,brought in Rosh in end of Moed Katan], brought in Shach 396:1 and Taz 396:1; Rabbeinu Yerucham and Bach 396 conclude to follow the Maharam, as he was the teacher of the Rosh, as well as that the ruling of the Michaber ibid is contradicted earlier in 341 where he rules like the Maharam regarding Havdalah; The Taz ibid negates his opinion; The Shach in Nekudos Hakesef defends the ruling of the Maharam against the proofs of the Taz; Yad Eliyahu 93 also negates the ruling of the Taz ibid, brought in Gilyon Maharsha 396

Within the Shiva: Some Poskim rule [unlike Michaber ibid] that if a child became Bar/Bas Mitzvah within the Shiva then he must keep Shiva for the remaining days that are left of Shiva even according to the Rosh, as every day of Shiva is a separate obligation and is not Tashlumin, and it is only in a case that he became of age after Shiva that there is a dispute. [Yad Eliyahu ibid; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 25:5 footnote 12 and Nitei Gavriel 127:3 footnote 5-6; Gesher Hachaim 19:3-3 that so is custom] However according to the Michaber and Tur and Taz ibid the Katan is exempt even in such a case.

After Shloshim: If he became Bar/Bas Mitzvah after the Shloshim, then according to this opinion, he is to keep Aveilus for one hour, just as is the law regarding a Shemua Rechoka. [Maharam; Pnei Baruch 25:5]

[18] Taz 396:1 “Therefore it appears Halacha Lemaaseh to rule like the Rosh, not for his reason, but for the reason I mentioned.”; Chochmas Adam 168:6; Aruch Hashulchan 396:5; Kitzur SHU”A 216:2; Ikarei Hadat 36:48

[19] Nitei Gavriel 127:4 and 8; See Taz ibid

[20] Chochmas Adam 168:6, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 396:4; Aruch Hashulchan 396:5; Kitzur SHU”A 217:2; Pnei Baruch 25:5; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 62:2

[21] The reason: Although it is implied from Michaber ibid that the child is exempt from all Aveilus, nevertheless, perhaps there is a difference between Shiva and Shloshim, which are Rabbinical obligations of mourning, and the 12 months which is done for Kibbud Av Vaem. [ibid]

[22] Gesher Hachaim 19:3-3

[23] Nitei Gavriel 127:2 footnote 2

[24] See Michaber 384:5; Shoel Umeishiv 3:213

[25] Yoreh Deah 374:6; Gesher Chaim 19 p. 139; Nitei Gavriel 126:15-30 [p. 680]; Vol. 2 18

[26] Michaber 374:6; Chachamim in Moed Katan 20b [unlike Rebbe Akiva and Rebbe Shimon Ben Elazar in Moed Katan ibid]; See Encyclopedia Talmudit 1 Aveilus p. 59

[27] The reason: This is done out of respect and honor of the Avel, to show one’s solidarity and support at the time of his loss. [See Rama ibid; Ramban in Toras Hadam]

[28] Rav Akiva Eiger 374:6 in name of Rashba 139

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the above relatives are only obligated to mourn for a mere hour and not more. [Chinuch Beis Yehuda 96, brought in Gilyon Maharsha 374]

[29] Michaber 340:4; Moed Katan 20b

[30] Rav Akiva Eiger 374:6 in name of Rashba 139

[31] Rama 374:6; Tur in name of Rosh Moed Katan 3:35; Ramban in Toras Hadam; Hagahos Maimanis Aveilus 1

[32] Rosh; Ramban in Toras Hadam; Hagahos Maimanis Aveilus 1

[33] The reason: As the entire reason for keeping Aveilus laws in the presence of the Avel is out of respect and honor of the Avel, to show one’s solidarity and support at the time of his loss. However, today that all Aveilim are accustomed to forgiving their honor, there is no longer any reason for the relatives to mourn in their presence. [Rama ibid; Ramban in Toras Hadam] This applies today even if the relative claims that he is not Mochel on his honor. [Aruch Hashulchan 374:14] However some Poskim are stringent. [Daas Kedoshim 374]

[34] Rama ibid; Hagahos Maimanis; Rosh ibid

[35] Shach 374:5 in name of Hagahos Maimanis ibid that one who is stringent is not only not honoring the Aveilim but making mockery of them

The reason: Although it is permitted for any person to keep the laws of Aveilus after the passing of a non-obligatory relative, nevertheless this only applies if he keeps the laws completely, even not in the presence of the Aveilim. However, here that he is only keeping the laws in front of the Aveilim, it is hence discouraged. [Shach ibid; See also Beir Heiytiv 374:5]

[36] Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251; Chochmas Adam 161:5; Kitzur SHU”A 203:2; Aruch Hashulchan 374:16; Gesher Hachaim; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 18

Other opinions: See end of this Halacha.

[37] Other customs: Some communities are accustomed that the relatives follow also other mourning restrictions, although the main ruling is as stated above. [Rama ibid]

[38] Rama ibid that so is custom of Gedolei Austria; Beir Hagoleh 376

Wives: Some Poskim rule that wives who are relatives of the mourners may bathe in order so they do not look unattractive to their husbands. [Nitei Gavriel 126:15 in name of Maharash Melublin]

[39] Shach 374:6; Masas Binyamin 83, brought in Shach 376:7

[40] Taz 374:2 in name of Masas Binyamin regarding Chafifas Harosh

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one may bathe his head, feet and hands on Erev Shabbos in hot water if he does so every Erev Shabbos. [Daas Kedoshim 374; Nitei Gavriel 126:15]

[41] Rama ibid that so is custom of Gedolei Austria; Shach 374:7; See Beir Hagoleh that certain relatives may wear all Shabbos clothing other than the top jacket, while other relatives may not wear any Shabbos clothing other than the shirt

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the above relatives are not to wear any Shabbos clothing other than a white shirt. [Masas Binyamin 83, brought in Shach 374:7; Degul Merivava 374, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:6, based on real Nussach in Darkei Moshe and Terumos Hadeshen] The Shach ibid negates this ruling

[42] Shach 374:7 and Taz 374:2 in name of Bach 374

[43] Masas Binyamin 83, brought in Shach 376:7; See Lechem Hapanim 374:6 that he is not to leave the house even for a Seudas Mitzvah

Refreshments: The above restriction only applies to attending an actual meal on bread, while if there will only be mere refreshments by the gathering one may be attended. [Daas Kedoshim 374]

[44] Lechem Hapanim 374:6; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 chapter 18 for further details on this Halacha

[45] Lechem Hapanim 374:6

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to get a haircut, and so is implied from Rama ibid who omits this restriction. [Shvus Yaakov 3:98]

[46] Lechem Hapanim 374:6

[47] Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:4 in his opinion of Rama and that so is implied in Darkei Moshe 374:4; Zekan Aaron 61; Darkei Hachaim 1:65; Nitei Gavriel 126:23

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even these laws only apply in the presence of the mourners. [Adnei Paz11, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah ibid; Many Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 126:24 footnote 41]

[48] Shach 374:7; Masas Binyamin 83

[49] Shach 374:7; Masas Binyamin 83

[50] Lechem Hapanim 374:6

If the burial occurred on Shabbos: See Nitei Gavriel 126:27 that the restrictions are removed starting Friday night.

[51] Shach 374:7; Masas Binyamin 83

[52] Daas Kedoshim 374:1; Erech Shaiy 374; Nitei Gavriel 126:26

If the relative is in a different country than the deceased: If the relative is in a different country than the deceased and will not be present for the funeral/burial, he may accept his restrictions starting even before burial, until that Motzei Shabbos. [Nitei Gavriel 126:31]

[53] Custom brought in Aruch Hashulchan 374:16; The Aruch Hashulchan concludes “One can assume that people will follow the custom of the Rama, as it is him that we follow”; Shulchan Gavoa 374:17 “Today we are no longer accustomed in this”; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 126:16 footnote 27; Pnei Baruch 9 footnote 26;

[54] See Shach 374:7 and Aruch Hashulchan ibid

[55] The Chabad custom: Rav Leibel Groner told me that he never saw this custom followed at all not amongst Anash or the Rebbeim; Likewise, Rav Eli Landau Shlita told me that the custom which he witnessed and observed is that the relatives of the Aveilim do not keep any laws of mourning. Rav Asher Lemel Hakohen of Beitar however rules that relatives are to keep the restrictions listed in the Rama. Rav Yeruslavsky told me that the custom is for the relatives to keep the customs brought above, however only the relatives of the Aveilim, and son/daughter in-law, and not cousins and the like. [This is unlike the Rama]

[56] Rama 374:6; Terumos Hadeshen 251

Other customs: Some are accustomed for even relatives who are not invalid for testimony [such as level 1 with level 4] to keep the above restrictions and others are accustomed for even relatives who are invalid for testimony not to keep the above restrictions, unless they are a degree of relation that they would have to mourn for the Avel in the event of his passing. [Masas Binyamin 83, brought in Shach 374:7] Practically, in these matters one is to follow the custom. [Shach ibid] See previous footnote for rulings of Rabbanim in this regard

[57] As enumerated in Choshen Mishpat 33:2 [Shach 374:6]

[58] Beir Hagoleh 374; Lechem Hapanim 374:6; Choshen Mishpat 33:2

A great grandparent: It is disputed in Michaber C.M. 33:2 if Great-grandparents are invalid witnesses and the Rama concludes the custom is to be stringent. However, seemingly regarding Aveilus one may certainly be lenient. However, see Lechem Hapanim 374:6 that writes a 1^st with a third level relative does follow the restrictions.

[59] Beir Hagoleh 374; Lechem Hapanim 374:6; Choshen Mishpat 33:2

A great grandchild: It is disputed in Michaber C.M. 33:2 if Great-grandchild is an invalid witness and the Rama concludes the custom is to be stringent. However, seemingly regarding Aveilus one may certainly be lenient. However, see Lechem Hapanim 374:6 that writes a 1^st with a third level relative does follow the restrictions.

[60] Beir Hagoleh 374; Michaber ibid and Moed Katan ibid regarding the Talmudic law; Teshuvah Meahava 1:175, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:3 that the same applies according to the custom of Rama; Lechem Hapanim 374:6

[61] Beir Hagoleh 374; Choshen Mishpat 33:2; Darkei Hachaim 1:65; Lechem Hapanim 374; Nitei Gavriel 126:21

[62] Betzeil Hachochmah 3:107; Divrei Yatziv 233; Nitei Gavriel 126:16 footnote 27; Rav Yeruslavsky told me that he has never seen cousins be stringent in this; This follows one custom brought in Masas Binyamin ibid for only the close relatives of the Aveilim to keep these mourning restrictions

[63] Teshuvah Meahava 1:175; Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:3

[64] Michaber 374:7 regarding the Talmudic ruling of mourning in the presence of the Avel and Shach 374:6 based on Terumos Hadeshen ibid that the same applies for the custom brought in Rama ibid of following some mourning laws until after the first Shabbos

[65] Michaber 374:6; Moed Katan 20b

[66] The reason: As a son/daughter in law is obligated to honor his/her parent in-law. [Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid]

[67] Michaber ibid

[68] Rama ibid

[69] This applies even according to the custom of the Rama, as brought in Michaber 374:7 and Shach 374:6

[70] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid

[71] Rama 374:4; Terumas Hadeshen 251

[72] Shach 402:5 in name of Derisha and Bach 399 in name of Rashal; Taz 402:6 that we follow the day of death; P”M 548 M”Z 5; Shvus Yaakov 2:100; Chochmas Adam 171:6; Mahariy Asad 371; Gesher Hachaim p. 264; See other Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 62:3 and his final conclusion to be lenient; Rebbe in Igros Kodesh 6:103 [brought in Shulchan Menachem 5:267] writes that so is the directive of the Rebbe Rayatz to follow the day of death by a Shemua Rechoka

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that we follow the day of burial for a Shemua Rechoka. [Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 402 based on Rabbeinu Yerucham 28:2 argues on the ruling of Rashal that he quoted in Shach 402:5, and concludes with a Tzaruch Iyun; Degul Mirivava 402; Mahariy Viyal 16; Pnei Yehoshua 9; Kitzur SHU”A 206:1; Aruch Hashulchan 402:10]

[73] Panim Meiros 2:40, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:5; However, see there regarding Shabbos clothing; Nitei Gavriel 126:29

[74] Shivas Tziyon 59, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 399:4;

[75] Nitei Gavriel ibid

[76] See Shaar Ephraim 100; Nitei Gavriel 126:19; Vol. 2 18:8

[77] Nitei Gavriel 126:20

[78] Michaber Y.D. 374:5; Rambam

[79] Michaber ibid

[80] Rama ibid; Shach 374:4

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule a convert must mourn the passing of his mother who converted with him. [Mordechai, according opinion that first day of mourning is Biblical] However, according to our ruling that the first day of mourning is Rabbinical, he is not obligated to mourn his mother’s passing. [Shach ibid]

[81] Michaber E.H. 4:5 “A Jew who has relations with one of these women, the offspring follows the mother’s identity.”; Rama O.C. 282:3 [regarding getting Aliyah]; Y.D. 159:3 [regarding Ribis]; E.H. 16:2; 44:9; Rambam Hilchos Issurei Biyah 12:7; 15:3-4, 6; Rebbe Yochanon in Yevamos 17a and 23a and 45b based on Devarim 7:3-4; Mishnah Kiddushin 66b, 68b; Ramban on Vayikra 24:10

[82] Gesher Hachaim 19:3-4

[83] See Mishmeres Shalom Gimel 54 in name of Shaar Ephraim 91; Pnei Baruch 9 footnote 7

[84] See Chasam Sofer 326, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 345:3, regarding suicide that “although the ruling is that one does not sit Shiva, nevertheless if this will cause the family embarrassment, the Rav may be stringent to tell the family to sit Shiva, as although we are lenient in Aveilus in case of dispute, we are not lenient in the honor of the children of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov.”; See Sefer Toras Hager 12 footnote 98; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid

[85] Rama 374:4; Rosh 20

[86] Rav Akiva Eiger 374:6; Besamim Rosh 123, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:7, that one who receives comforters like a regular mourner and follows all the laws of Shiva is a Hedyot and is improper.

[87] Beis Hillel 394

[88] Nitei Gavriel 126:6