Marrying off a younger child prior to an older child

Marrying off a younger child prior to an older child:[1]

The Torah[2] states “It is not done in our area to marry off the younger daughter prior to the older daughter.” Although this statement was made by Lavan, in his scheme to cheat Yaakov out of his obligation to give him Rachal, nevertheless the Poskim give this statement Halachic implications. Nonetheless, this law is due to Derech Eretz and not a letter of the law prohibition.[3] The following is the law:

1. The general law:[4]

One is not to marry off a younger sibling prior to an older sibling.[5] Thus, one is not to marry off a younger daughter prior to an older daughter.[6] Indeed, this was the custom of the Chabad Rabbeim.[7] [This applies even to twins.[8]] Accordingly, one needs to place effort to look for a Shidduch for his older daughter prior to his younger daughter.[9]

Sons: Likewise, some Poskim[10] rule one is not to marry off a younger son prior to an older son. Likewise, some Poskim[11] rule one is not to marry off a younger son prior to an older daughter. Likewise, some Poskim[12] rule one is not to marry off a younger daughter prior to an older son. This applies even if the younger sibling is a greater scholar than the older sibling.[13] However, some are lenient once the son has reached 20 years of age.[14] Practically, once a younger son has reached 20 years old, and perhaps even 18 years old, he is not to delay looking for a Shidduch prior to his older brother getting married or finding a Shidduch, and he should influence his older brother to forgive his rights by explaining to him that by him doing so Hashem will help him find his own Shidduch.[15] Certainly, if to begin with the older sibling doesn’t care, then the younger son should proceed with Shidduchim and not delay Shidduchim until his older brother gets married.

Adopted children:[16] This applies even if the parents are not marrying off the children [such as by orphans], nevertheless, the younger child is not to precede the older child.

Shidduchim and engagements: One is to avoid accepting a Shidduch with a younger sibling prior to the older sibling getting engaged [or giving forgiveness].[17] Likewise, if both are already in Shidduchim and both are ready to get engaged, one is to delay the engagement of the younger sibling until the older sibling gets engaged.[18] Likewise, if they have both become engaged, one is to precede the engagement party of the older sibling to that of the younger sibling, although some[19] are lenient in this matter.

1. Mechila – If the older sibling forgoes his right:[20]

The above law is due to Derech Eretz and not a letter of the law prohibition[21] and hence carries with it the following leniencies: [In a time of need[22]], if the older sibling agrees to allowing the younger sibling to marry before him/her then it is permitted for him/her to do so.

How – In writing or witnesses:[23]  The younger sibling is to verbally ask for forgiveness from the older sibling. It is best if the older sibling writes down her forgiveness on paper and hands it to the younger sibling, or for her to say the forgiveness in front of two [or three[24]] Kosher witnesses.

Complete heart:[25] The older sibling is to forgive with a complete heart to allow the younger sibling to marry, and even rejoice in her marriage. Giving this whole-hearted forgiveness is a Segula for the older sibling to find their Zivug speedily, as brought below.

Donating towards wedding of older sibling:[26] In addition to asking for forgiveness, the younger sibling and the parents, and the Zivug [i.e. Chasan or Kallah], are to donate a sum of money towards the wedding of the older sibling and place it in a special fund [i.e. bank account] on her/his behalf. This should take place prior to the publication of the engagement of the younger sibling.[27]

A modest engagement party and wedding:[28] In addition, the Vort/Lechaim and wedding is to be done without exaggerated publication, and be more of a modest nature.

Not to rush the wedding:[29] Likewise, the wedding should not be rushed, hence giving some time for the older daughter to marry.

Segula for getting married:[30] The older sibling forgiving their rights and allowing the younger sibling to marry before them, is a Segula for Hashem to help them find their own Shidduch. The younger sibling should explain this to the older sibling in order to get him to agree to forgive him with a full heart.

If the older sibling refuses to forgive:[31] If the older sibling refuses to forgive and agree to the younger siblings marriage, in certain circumstances, such as if they are already of an older age and the younger sibling has a good match offered, the younger sibling may go along with the wedding despite the older siblings misgivings.[32]

1. Other exceptions:

If the older sibling is not ready yet to get married: Some Poskim[33] rule that the entire restriction only applies if the older sibling is ready for marriage, however, if for whatever reason he is not yet ready to get married and is hence not looking to get married, then the younger sibling may supersede her or him.

Engaged versus not engaged: Some Poskim[34] rule that the entire restriction this only applies in a case that both are already engaged, in which case the older siblings wedding is to precede the younger siblings wedding, while if the older sibling is not yet engaged, it is permitted for the younger sibling to wed before him/her. Other Poskim[35] however learn that this applies in all cases, even if the older sibling is not yet engaged, nevertheless, the younger sibling may not precede him in marriage. Practically, in all cases one is to be careful in this matter [unless it is a case of need and the older sibling forgoes his right, as explained next] and so was the custom of the Chabad Rabbeim.[36]

Not living in the same house: Some[37] are lenient that if the two siblings are not living together, such as if one of them lives on their own outside of the house, then the restriction does not apply.

Paying for their own wedding: Some[38] are lenient that if the younger sibling is paying for their own wedding, then this sibling may supersede getting married prior to the older sibling.

Zivug Sheiyni:[39] If both siblings were already married and are no longer married, then it is permitted for the younger sibling to remarry prior to the older sibling. Likewise, if the older sibling was already married and is no longer married, it is permitted for the younger sibling to get married prior to their older sibling remarrying.

[1] See Shach Y.D. 244:13 in name of Bach 244, in explanation of Bava Basra 120a and Michaber 244:18; Rashbam Baba Basra 120a regarding Benos Tzelafchad; Tosafus Kiddushin 52a; Maharit Kiddushin ibid; Shut Harashdam C.M. 318; Maharsham 3:136; Karban Mincha 97; Yad Shaul on Y.D. 244; Igros Sofrim 29; Likkutei Shut Chasam Sofer 40; Maharash 6:2; Revid Hazahav Parshas Maseiy; Chavalim Benimin 3:78; Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1043; Numerous letters of Rebbe brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:122-127; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin Chapter

[2] Bereishis 29:26

[3] Maharsham ibid; Harei Bashamayim Tinyana 84; Afrasakta Deanya E.H. 2:266; See Maharit ibid that it is merely a manner of “Kavod”; Nitei Gavriel 9:12 footnote 17

[4] Shach ibid; Bach ibid; All Poskim ibid; Tosafus Kiddushin 52a “A case came before Rabbeinu Tam involving the son of Rabbi Hoshea HaLevi, who betrothed the daughter of a wealthy man and said simply, ‘Your daughter is betrothed to me,’ without specifying which one. Rabbeinu Tam ruled that we should assume he betrothed the older daughter, since in our locale it is not customary to marry off the younger before the elder. However, Rabbi Menachem of Yuni disagreed with this ruling.”; Rashbam Baba Basra 120a “When the daughters of Tzelofchad were married, the Torah lists them in order of seniority, as it says: ‘And Machlah, Tirzah, Choglah, Milkah, and No’ah, the daughters of Tzelofchad, were married to their cousins.’ It is reasonable to conclude that this is also the order in which they were born, as the verse states: ‘It is not done in our locale to give the younger before the elder.”

Other opinions: Some Poskim  rule that the entire restriction this only applies in a case that both are already engaged, in which case the older siblings wedding is to precede the younger siblings wedding, while if the older sibling is not yet engaged, it is permitted for the younger sibling to wed before him/her. [Igros Moshe Y.D. 2:1] We do not rule like this approach.

[5] The reason: This is in order not to offend or cause pain to the older sibling, as well as due to the obligation to honor one’s older sibling.

Not living in the same house: Some are lenient that if the two siblings are not living together, such as if one of them lives on their own outside of the house, then the restriction does not apply. [Nitei Gavriel 9:9]

[6] Shach 244:13 in name of Bach 244, in explanation of Baba Basra 120a and Michaber 244:18; Rashbam Baba Basra 120a regarding Benos Tzelafchad; Tosafus Kiddushin 52a; Maharit Kiddushin ibid; Harashdam C.M. 318; Maharsham 3:136; Maharash 6:2; Revid Hazahav Parshas Maseiy; Chavalim Benimin 3:78; Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1043; Igros Kodesh 7:269, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:126; Numerous letters of Rebbe brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:122-127; Nitei Gavriel 9:1

Other opinions: See Nitei Gavriel 9:3

[7] Igros Kodesh 7:269, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:126

[8] Techeiles Mordechai of Maharsham Parshas Vayeitzei; Nitei Gavriel 9:5

[9] Igros Kodesh 7:269, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:123; However see Maharit ibid that there is no prohibition for a younger daughter to get engaged before an older one.

[10] Shach 244:13 in name of Bach 244, in explanation of Bava Basra 120a and Michaber 244:18; Shulchan Haezer ibid; Chelkas Yaakov 1:128; Mishneh Halachos 9:290; Igros Kodesh 15:182 [brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:122]; 2^nd opinion in Nitei Gavriel 9:2

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for a younger son to precede an older son in marriage. [Maharsham ibid; Harei Besamim Tinyana 84; Mishmeres Shalom 244; Igros Moshe E.H. 2:1; Minhas Yitchak 8:125; Divrei Yatziv E.H. 9; 1^st opinion in Nitei Gavriel 9:2]

[11] Avnei Chefetz 25:6; Igros Kodesh 17:292 and Igros Kodesh 6:105, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:124 and 126; Nitei Gavriel 9:4

[12] Igros Kodesh 11:241 and 19:46, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:126; Nitei Gavriel 9

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that there is no issue with marrying off a younger daughter prior to an older son. [See Shulchan Haezer ibid; Igros Kodesh 19:46]

[13] Shach ibid in name of Bach; Rashbam ibid based on Benos Tzelafchad who were first listed in order of wisdom and then listed by marriage in order of age

[14] Harei Besamim 84; Shulchan Haezer ibid; Rebbe in next footnote; Nitei Gavriel 9:2 and 6; See Michaber E.H. 1:3; Maharsham ibid; Avnei Chefetz 25; Shulchan Haezer 1:2, 10

[15] Kfar Chabad Gilyon 851[regarding 20 years old] and Igros Kodesh 20:227 regarding 18 years old, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:123;

[16] Maharsham ibid, based on Rashbam ibid who learned from Benos Tzelafchad

[17] See Igros Kodesh 15:182 that the younger son is to ask for complete forgiveness from the older son prior to involving himself in Shiddduchim; Igros Kodesh 17:292, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:123, that one is to wait until the older sibling gets engaged; However see Igros Kodesh 8:215 that the main issue specifically with the wedding, however there is not so much of an issue with preceding the Shidduch and even the writing of the Tanaim of the younger sibling prior to the older sibling, especially if there is a chance that the older sibling will be able to find their Shidduch by that time.

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that there is no issue with making a Shidduch for the younger child prior to the older child. [Maharit Kiddushin ibid “With regard to marriage, it is considered respectful for the older daughters to be married before the younger ones. However, when it comes to betrothal (kiddushin), there is no concern if the younger daughter betroths herself before the elder, lest someone else precede her [the elder]. For this same reason, it is permitted to become betrothed during Chol HaMoed (the intermediate days of a festival)—lest someone else come first.””; Divrei Yatziv E.H. 9;  Igros Kodesh 8:215; Nitei Gavriel 9:11; See Chasam Sofer in Igros Sofrim 29] Darkei Chaim Veshalom ibid who says there is no problem in marrying the younger sibling even if they did not ask for forgiveness.

[18] Igros Kodesh 17:292, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:124

[19] Nitei Gavriel 9:11

[20] See Shulchan Haezer 1-11; Avnei Cheifetz 25; Igros Kodesh 4:197; 6:105; 11:241; 15:182, 326; 20:227; 26:129; Kfar Chabad Gilyon 851; Hapartizan p. 350, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:124-127; Nitei Gavriel 9:7

[21] Maharsham ibid; Harei Bashamayim Tinyana 84; See Maharit ibid that it is merely a manner of “Kavod”

[22] See Igros Kodesh 7:269 from where it is evident that one is not to precede the younger daughter if he can precede the older one’s, and there is no time of need involved

[23] Igros Kodesh 11:241 [three people]; 15:326 [writing or two witnesses], printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:125-126; Nitei Gavriel 9:7

[24] Igros Kodesh 11:241

[25] Igros Kodesh 4:197; 15:182 and 326 “Mechila Gemura” and “Lev Shalom, Besimcha Biemes” [printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:122-127]

[26] Igros Kodesh 6:105; 11:241; 15:326; 26:129, Hapartizan p. 350, printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:125-126

[27] Igros Kodesh 26:129

[28] Igros Kodesh 4:197, 6:105; Hapartizan p. 350, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:124 and 126

[29] Igros Kodesh 4:197, printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:124

[30] Igros Kodesh 4:197; 20:227; Kfar Chabad Gilyon 851, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:123 -124

[31] Maharsham ibid; Ezer Mikodesh p. 35; Divrei Yatziv 9; Igeres Chazon Ish 1:166; ; Nitei Gavriel 9:8

[32] The reason: As the above matter was only stated in a normal circumstance, while in a time of need such as the case above, the prohibition does not apply. [ibid]

[33] Har Bashamayim 4:31; Maharash Engle 6:102; Divrei Yatziv E.H. 9; Nitei Gavriel 9:10 footnote 15 in length

[34] Igros Moshe E.H. 2:1

[35] See letters of Rebbe ibid from which it is clear that this applies in all cases, and so is the simple understanding of all the Poskim ibid, unlike the novelty of the Igros Moshe.

[36] Igros Kodesh 7:269, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:123, that our Nessim were careful in this matter

[37] Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1046; Nitei Gavriel 9:9

[38] Nitei Gavriel 9:13

[39] Nitei Gavriel 9:14-15