This article is an excerpt from our Sefer
A man is not to be lightheaded with his wife [to do with her immoral or immodest activity] and is not to dirty his mouth with words of vanity [i.e. Nivul Peh]. This applies even if they are in private and no one will know of their conversation.[3] [One who speaks with his wife of repulsive matters, causes his children to be mute.[4] Furthermore, one is not to speak with his wife of matters relating to intimacy simply to incite his inclination, without need.[5] It is proper for one to speak with his wife of Torah related matters, and matters of fear of Heaven, prior to engaging in intimacy.[6]]
- Restrictions on subjects of discussion during foreplay and intimacy:[7]
One may not speak to his wife of matters that do not relate to the intercourse and intimacy, neither during the intercourse nor beforehand [during the intimacy and foreplay that precedes the intercourse[8]], in order so he does not think of another woman [and she does not think of another man]. [It is thus forbidden to speak of matters that involve other people, even if they are not erotic in nature, and certainly if they are erotic in nature. It goes without saying that it is forbidden to watch movies or see pictures which portray romance, nudity or pornography, even with the consent of one’s wife, due to the prohibition against thinking of another woman during intercourse.]
The severity of talking about other matters during this time and its consequence:[9] If one spoke with his wife [of matters unrelated to their intimacy] and then had intercourse, regarding him the verse states, “Maggid L’adam Mah Sicho/Hashem will reveal what he spoke,” as even a light conversation between a man and his wife will be told to him on the day of judgment. [Furthermore, the Talmud[10] records that Rebbe Yochanon ben Dehavaiy stated that he heard from the Malachei Hashareis that children who are deaf are born because the couple talked during intercourse.]
Talking of matters that relate to the intimacy:[11] It is permitted [and even encouraged[12]] to talk with her of matters that relate to their intimacy, for the sake of increasing his lust and desire for her [or to increase her lust and desire for him[13]].[14] [Thus, he may say how much he loves her and cares for her, and how beautiful she is. However, he must beware not to talk to her too much about romantic and erotic issues between them if he has a predisposition of pre-ejaculation, as such excitement can lead to Zera Levatala.[15] Furthermore, it is best to always limit even intimacy related words to only that which is necessary for the arousal of the passion and not further.[16]]
Speaking of Torah matters:[17] It is permitted and even encouraged for one to speak with his wife of Torah related matters, and matters of fear of Heaven, at the time that one desires to engage in intimacy. Doing so assists that the children born will be proper and G-d fearing.
If the couple is in a fight or argument:[18] In the event that the couple is in a fight with each other, then he may speak to her even about other issues that do not relate to the intimacy for the sake of appeasing her.
- Talking during the actual intimacy/penetration:[19]
This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 6 article on our website through a passcode
- Sighing:[25]
Sighing can cause difficulty in achieving proper intimacy and intercourse.
- Making noise and sounds:[26]
The couple is to be as silent as possible during the intimacy. It is not Tzenius for the wife or husband to make loud noises during the intimacy, and they should try to control themselves to be as silent as possible. [Besides for the intrinsic reason of doing so for purposes of modesty and bashfulness, couples may not realize, but often their sounds can be heard by people outside, neighbors who live adjacent, and other people in the house including their children, hence, they should be as quiet as possible.
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Phones during intimacy May one answer the phone during intimacy? May one check/respond to emails or messages? Should the phones be turned off? Based on the above ruling, it is understood that it is forbidden to answer the phone during intimacy and have conversations with others. Furthermore, even thinking or speaking of the caller is forbidden. It is thus strongly advised that phones be turned off before intimacy. Doing so will also allow for an uninterrupted bonding of the couple and fulfill the above Halacha in its most proper way. |
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[1] See Michaber O.C. 240:9; E.H. 25:1; Taharas Yisrael 240:67-68; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] chapter 41 [p. 407]
[2] Michaber E.H. 25:1; Rambam Dei’os 5:4; Ramban in Igeres Hakodesh 6; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2; Kitzur SHU”A 150:1
[3] The reason: As the verse states, “Maggid L’adam Mah Sicho,” from which the Sages learn that even for a light conversation [or lightheaded conversation] between a man and his wife, he will be judged on [and penalized for] in the future. [Michaber ibid]
[4] Rokei’ach 317; Kaf Hachaim 240:62
[5] Taharas Yisrael 240:67
[6] Shevilei Emuna 3:5
[7] Michaber O.C. 240:9; E.H. 25:1; Tur 240:9 and E.H. 25:3; Rambam Hilchos Dei’os 5:4; Chagiga 5; Rebbe Yochanon ben Dehavaiy in Nedarim 20a, brought in Tur 240, “The Malachei Hashareis told me four things: The third being that children who are deaf are born that way because the couple talked during intercourse.” [The Gemara ibid 20b concludes that this statement only applies when talking of matters unrelated to the intercourse.]; See Taharas Yisrael 240:67-68; Kalah Rabasi 1:13; Kitzur SHU”A 150:1
Talking with one’s wife to make sure she is not someone else: One is to talk with one’s wife or check that she has hair prior to intimacy. [Pischeiy Olam 240:28 in name of Chukei Derech; Taharas Yisrael 240:67; Kaf Hachaim 240:66] Seemingly, this is done to make sure that she is truly his wife.
[8] See Levush 240; Shevilei Emunah 3:5; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 5 emphasizes, “Even from the time that he asks her for intimacy he is not permitted.” Evidently, this refers to foreplay, when the couple begins the steps of intimacy in preparation for intercourse, and not simply when they decide some time during the day to schedule intimacy for later that night. See Mishkan Yisrael p. 71 in name of Rav Elyashiv
Other opinions: The Sages state that the Halacha is unlike Rebbe Yochanon, and rather everything that one desires to do with his wife, he may. [Nedarim 20b] Some Poskim conclude like this opinion [Rama E.H. 25:2; Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9] and some Poskim understand this to mean that according to their opinion [i.e. Chachamim, Rambam etc.] it is permitted to talk during intercourse. [Implication of Rama E.H. 25:2, as explained in Biur Hagr”a 25:15; Beis Yosef E.H. 25:8 and Bach E.H. 25:2 and Perisha E.H. 25:35 in explanation of Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:9, that according to his ruling, like Chachamim, everything that Rebbe Yochanon stated is in truth permitted, which includes talking, and so would apply likewise to the Rama E.H. 25:2; See Lechem Yehuda Dei’os 5:4 who likewise explains Rambam this way; Sefer Ha’eshkol Hilchos Tzenius 1:61; Aruch Hashulchan E.H. 25:10-11] According to this understanding, it is implied that there is no danger involved in doing so, and that the Sages argue on the very concept of the angels who state that it causes deafness. [Implication of Ameimar in Nedarim ibid] However, from other sources it is understood that the Sages only argue that it is technically permitted from the letter of the law, although they agree with the angels that it is indeed dangerous for the children. [See Kallah Rabasi 1:14] Furthermore, other Poskim conclude that even in the opinion of Chachamim, it is forbidden to talk, and they are only arguing on the allowance of intercourse from the backside. [Ra’avad ibid; See Beis Shmuel and Chochmas Adam ibid who both explain the Rama to be excluding kissing the vagina, and so is implied from the Tur ibid in his understanding of the Rambam ibid; Pnei Moshe E.H. 25:1 that so is also implied from Hagahos Maimanis on Rambam ibid; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 44:12-13 footnote 18
[9] Michaber ibid and ibid
[10] Nedarim 20a, brought in Tur 240
[11] Michaber E.H. ibid; Tur 240:9 and E.H. 25:3; M”A 240:23; Beis Yosef 240; Bach E.H. 25, “Prior to intimacy he needs to speak with her regarding matters of intimacy”; Rambam Dei’os 5:4 “Talk and play with her in order so that she is relaxed to have intercourse”; Rambam Ishus 15:16; Pirush HaRosh on Nedarim 20b, “To increase his desire”; Nedarim 20b, “They asked Ima Shalom, ‘Why are your sons so beautiful?’ She replied, ‘As my husband speaks with me in the middle of the night… in order so that he does not think of another woman.’ The prohibition is only regarding other matters and not regarding matters of Tashmish.”; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 5; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2; Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 23 that, “It is the way of Jewish women to speak with their husbands before intercourse”; Shevilei Emunah 3:5; Kitzur SHU”A 150:1; Torah L’shma 68; Kaf Hachaim 240:62; See Brachos 62a, “Rav Kahana hid under the bed of Rav [to see how he performs intimacy] and he heard that Rav spoke with his wife words of vanity relating to the intercourse and he laughed with her [for the sake of arousing the passion for each other-See Rashi ibid] and then had intercourse. Rav Kahana then said from under the bed to Rav, ‘you act like one who has never eaten food in your life.’ Rav replied, ‘Kahana you are here? Get out, as it’s improper for you to be here.’ Rav Kahana replied, ‘It is Torah and learn it I must’”
[12] See Brachos ibid in previous footnote; Bach ibid; Ramban in Igeres Hakodesh 6; Reishis Chochmah Sha’ar Hakedusha 16:24-25 in name of Zohar, “One needs to say to her words of Piyus”; However, see Chochmas Adam 28:2 that he is only to increase speaking with her to increase his lust “if he needs to do so.”
[13] Levush 240:9; Ramban in Igeres Hakodesh 6, “That enter passion into her.”
[14] The reason: As one who performs intercourse without desire to bond with his wife has children with bad character.
[15] M”B 240:38; Taharas Yisrael 240:67
[16] Torah L’shma 68
[17] Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya Beis 2; Shevilei Emuna 3:5
[18] Michaber E.H. ibid; Beis Yosef 240 in name of Ra’avad; Raavad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha; Lechem Mishneh Dei’os 5:4; P”M 240 A”A 23; M”B 240:37; Kitzur SHU”A 150:1; Kaf Hachaim 240:67; Taharas Yisrael 240:68
[19] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] 41:5 footnote 6 [p. 407]
[20] See M”A 240:23 and Tur 240:9 that it is permitted to talk with her of matters that relate to their intimacy, for the sake of increasing his lust and desire for her; So is understood from the wording in all the sources stated above [i.e. Michaber ibid, Tur ibid, Nedarim ibid], which includes the time of actual Tashmish in the restrictions and allowances. See also Shita Mekubetzes Nedarim 20b in name of Riem, “It is good to speak with her in order so the Zera comes out with joy, and by doing so he has beautiful children.” Ra’avad in Sha’ar Hakedusha, “During the intercourse he speaks to her of matters that relate to the Tashmish or to appease her”; Now, although Rebbe Yochanon ben Dehavaiy in Nedarim 20a, brought in Tur 240, states that, “The Malachei Hashareis told me four things: The third being that children who are deaf are born that way because the couple talked during intercourse.” The Gemara 20b concludes that this statement only applies when talking of matters unrelated to the intercourse.
[21] Zohar Tikkun 10 25a, brought in Reishis Chochma 16:20, “The Tikkunim explained that Zivug is similar to Shemoneh Esrei, and just as one Davens Shemoneh Esrei in silence, so too the Zivug must be done in silence. In its words, ‘During intimacy the Jewish people are to get up and be as if praying in silence. The Jewish people must unite with their spouse in secret, with modesty and fear… and if he makes his voice heard, immediately, he is standing before sin.’”; See also Kalah Rabasi 1:13
[22] Just as Shemoneh Esrei is said silently, without the allowance for anyone outside one’s immediate proximity to hear one’s words, so too intimacy must be performed in the same manner.
[23] Shevilei Emunah 3:5, “The above allowed talking is to be done before Tashmish, however, once they begin intercourse, they should not speak of any matter at all, in order so that their minds be clear for the sake of Heaven,” brought in Siddur Ya’avetz in Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 2:3 and 7 Chulya Beis 3 and 8; See Otzer Haposkim E.H. 25:5; Tosafos Nedarim 22a who implies that no sound should be made at all during intercourse.
[24] See Shita Mekubetzes ibid
[25] Hagahos Ya’avetz Kesubos 62a; Pischei Olam 240; Taharas Yisrael 240:67; Kaf Hachaim 240:66
[26] Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7 Chulya 2:8
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