Chapter 22: The Laws of Shloshim

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Chapter 22: The laws of Shloshim[1]

The Mourning restrictions applicable between Shiva and Shloshim

 

Introduction:

Although the Shiva has formally ended, the laws of Aveilus continue for another 23 days, until thirty days pass from the burial. For those who are Aveilim for a parent, the laws continue for 12 months from the passing/burial. Nonetheless, during these twenty-three days, the intensity of mourning is reduced from the level of mourning required during Shiva. Thus, while some restrictions continue to remain in effect, others are completely removed. Likewise, by an Avel for a parent, once the Shloshim has been reached, the intensity of mourning for the remaining year is reduced as explained in chapter 23.

The reason why some of the mourning restrictions extend towards Shloshim:[2]

The Zohar[3] states that throughout the thirty days after death, the body and soul are judged, and the soul cannot be elevated to the next world, Gan Eden, until this period is complete. It is for this reason that the relatives continue mourning throughout the Shloshim, as the pain that they experience helps alleviate the harshness of the judgment of the deceased.

Arousing mercy on behalf of the deceased:[4]

Throughout the thirty days of Shloshim, it is proper to beseech Divine mercy from Hashem on behalf of the soul of the deceased.

Learning Torah throughout the Shloshim on behalf of the deceased:[5]

Throughout the thirty days of Shloshim, it is proper to increase in Torah learning on behalf of elevating the soul of the deceased.

 

Restrictions that are lifted after the conclusion of Shiva and do not apply during Shloshim:

1. Mourners are no longer confined to the Shiva home.

2. One may change out of the clothing worn during Shiva.

3. One may greet others with customary greetings (“Hello,” “How are you,” etc.),

4. One may sit on regular chairs.

5. One may wear leather shoes.

6. One may return to work and engage in business.

7. One may use cosmetics, lotions, oils, perfumes.

8. One may study Torah.

9. One may resume marital relations.

Restrictions that apply during Shloshim:

*Some of these restrictions apply past Shloshim, and throughout the year of mourning for those mourning for the passing of a parent. See Chapter 23 for the full details of this matter!

1. One may not take a haircut.

2. One may not shave.

3. One may not cut one’s nails.

4. One may not wear new, freshly laundered, or ironed clothing.

5. One may not take a bath or shower during this period.

6. One may not attend a wedding or other Simcha meal such as dinners, parties, and so on.

7. One may not listen to music or attend a concert, nor go on pleasure trips and tours.

8. There are restrictions on being greeted by others.

9. Sending and receiving presents.

10. One may not marry during the Shloshim.

 

1. Who is required to keep the laws of Shloshim?

All relatives that are required to sit Shiva are likewise Rabbinically[6] required to guard a number of mourning laws for the entire period of Shloshim. This includes the: Father, mother, son, daughter, spouse, brother and sister, including the half-brother and half-sister, whether single or married.[7] See Chapter 12 for the full details of this matter! All the relatives are equally obligated in the mourning laws of Shloshim and all must abide by the laws to be explained.[8] Nevertheless, in certain cases to be explained, an Avel over a parent receives a stricter law than an Avel over other relatives.[9] In any case that no differentiation was made, all Aveilim must abide by the mourning law until the Shloshim.

2. The start and end of the Shloshim:

A. The start of Shloshim:

Thirty days, counting from the burial:[10] Shloshim is a period of thirty days. The thirty days are counted from the time of burial, which is the beginning of Shiva, and not from the time of the passing which may be several days prior to burial. Thus, the laws of Shloshim begin to take effect immediately after the Shiva, on the 7th day of Shiva after Shacharis, and continue onwards for another 23 days after Shiva, for a total of 30 days of mourning. The last day of Shloshim [the 30th day] will always fall out four weeks from the first day of Shiva, on the next weekday. Thus, if the burial/first day of Shiva was on a Monday, the Shloshim will be exactly four weeks later on a Tuesday. [The above rule that the thirty days are counted starting from the burial and begins together with Shiva, does contain exceptions, as explained in Halacha B-C!]

Buried Bein Hashmashos:[11] If the burial [covering of the body with earth] was completed during Bein Hashmashos, past sunset but prior to nightfall, Bein Hashmashos is considered like day, and the first day of Shiva and Shloshim is counted from that day.[12]  See Chapter 13 Halacha 3.

One who began Shiva prior to burial:[13] One who began sitting Shiva prior to burial begins his count of Shloshim from the day he began to sit Shiva.

The start of the Shloshim by a Shemua Kerova:[14] If a relative only heard of the burial after it took place, then if he heard it within thirty days of the death [i.e. Shemua Kerova], then he is to count the Shloshim beginning from the day that he became informed. [Nevertheless, regarding the laws of precedence of Kaddish and Chazan, the Shloshim is counted from the day of burial.[15]] See Chapter 13 Halacha 8B for the full details of this matter!

B. The end of the Shloshim:

The 30th day:[16] As soon as sunrise arrives on the thirtieth day from burial, the mourning restriction of Shloshim cease from the Avel and it is now permitted for him to perform these previously restricted actions. It is not necessary to wait until the conclusion of the thirtieth day.[17] [The lesser restrictions of 12 months now take effect for those in mourning over the loss of a parent, and whatever is permitted and forbidden during the 12 months is permitted and forbidden from now on until the end of the 12 months. See Chapter 23 for all the restrictions that carry over from the Shloshim and apply throughout the 12 months and for those restrictions that no longer apply.]

End of Shloshim falls on Shabbos:[18] In the event that the Shloshim falls on Shabbos, and the 29th day is on Erev Shabbos, it is permitted to bathe on Erev Shabbos in honor of Shabbos.[19] The same applies towards any Shloshim restriction that is merely based on custom, that it may be ceased in honor of Shabbos. [However, those restrictions that are forbidden from the letter of the law, such as taking a haircut, remain in place even on Erev Shabbos, even for relatives that are not the children of the deceased.[20] Likewise, it is forbidden to cut the nails that day.[21]]

C. Calculating Shloshim in the event of a Holiday:

Buried seven days before Yom Tov: If one buried the deceased at least seven days prior to the Holiday [i.e. Pesach, Shavuos, Sukkos, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur[22]], and thus already completed Shiva prior to the Holiday, then the Holiday nullifies the Shloshim.[23] This applies even if the seventh day of Shiva falls on Erev Yom Tov.[24] See Chapter 26 Halacha 2 for the full details of this matter!

Buried within seven days before Yom Tov: If one buried the deceased within seven days prior to the Holiday and the Yom Tov nullified Shiva, then Shloshim is calculated as follows: The days before Yom Tov count as seven full days, irrelevant of how many days he actually sat Shiva for. Likewise, the days of the Holiday also count towards the Shloshim.[25] Thus, one diminishes from the 30 days of Shloshim the seven days of the Shiva, plus the amount of days in the festival [i.e. 1, 2, or 7/8 days depending on Holiday and Eretz Yisrael versus Diaspora], and the remainder is the amount of days of Shloshim that he must keep after the Holiday’s conclusion. See Chapter 26 Halacha 1 and 3 for the full details of this matter!

Buried during Chol Hamoed:[26] The days of the Holiday count towards the Shloshim even if one will only be starting the Shiva after Yom Tov. Thus, if the burial took place during Chol Hamoed, one begins to count the Shloshim from the day of the burial and onwards.[27] See Chapter 26 Halacha 5B for the full details of this matter!

D. The status of Erev Yom Tov during Shloshim:

See Chapter 26 Halacha 2B for the full details of this matter!

 

What is the law if one did not keep the laws of Shloshim, must he make it up later on?[28]

No.

 

*2. Matters of commemoration done during Shloshim and the first year:

See Chapter 24!

Saying Kaddish Yasom in the first year: See Chapter 26!

Being Chazan, and receiving an Aliyah during the first year: See Chapter 25!

3. Notable restrictions that are lifted after Shiva and do not apply during Shloshim:

A. Mourners are no longer confined to the Shiva home:[29]

Mourners may leave the Shiva home without restriction after the conclusion of Shiva, starting from the morning of the 7th day.

B. One may change out of the torn clothing worn during Shiva:

After the conclusion of Shiva, starting from the morning of the 7th day, the mourner may change out of his torn garments. However, restrictions still remain regarding changing into freshly laundered clothing.

C. Greetings:

It is now permitted for the mourner to greet others with customary greetings. See Halacha 12 for the full details of this subject.

D. One may sit on regular chairs:

After the conclusion of Shiva, starting from the morning of the 7th day, the mourner may sit on regular chairs.

E. One may wear leather shoes:

After the conclusion of Shiva, starting from the morning of the 7th day, the mourner may wear leather shoes.

F. One may return to work and engage in business:

After the conclusion of Shiva, starting from the morning of the 7th day, the mourner may perform Melacha and work his business.  See Halacha 18 for the full details of this subject.

G. One may study Torah:

After the conclusion of Shiva, starting from the morning of the 7th day, the mourner may study Torah.

H. One may resume marital relations:

After the conclusion of Shiva, the mourner may resume marital relations.

4. Restrictions that carry over and apply throughout the Shloshim:

  1. One is to switch one’s seat in Shul. [See Halacha 5]
  2. One may not take a bath or shower during this period. [See Halacha 6]
  3. There are restrictions on putting on makeup. [See Halacha 8]
  4. One may not wear new, freshly laundered, or ironed clothing. [See Halacha 9]
  5. One may not take a haircut. [See Halacha 10]
  6. One may not shave. [See Halacha 10]
  7. One may not cut one’s nails. [See Halacha 11]
  8. There are restrictions on being greeted by others. [See Halacha 12]
  9. There are restrictions in sending and receiving presents. [See Halacha 14]
  10. One may not attend a wedding or other Simcha meal such as dinners, parties, and so on. [See Halacha 15]
  11. One may not listen to music or attend a concert. [See Halacha 16]
  12. One may not marry during the Shloshim. There are restrictions on being greeted by others. [See Halacha 17]
  13. One is to diminish in business trips and profit. [See Halacha 18]
  14. One may not go on pleasure trips and tours. [See Halacha 19]

5. Switching one’s seat in Shul:

An Avel is to switch his seat in Shul throughout the first two weeks of Aveilus, up until the third week. Furthermore, the Ashkenazi custom is to switch seats throughout the entire period of mourning, 12 months for the mourning of a parent and 30 days for the mourning of other relatives. It is disputed if an Avel is to change their seats in Shul on Shabbos or Yom Tov. Many Chabad Chassidim are accustomed not to change their seating area on Shabbos. For the full details of this subject, see Chapter 19 Halacha 18!

6. Bathing:[30]

A. The law:[31]

From the letter of the law, a mourner who is past Shiva may bathe as usual [even in hot water and so is the Sephardic custom[32]]. Nevertheless, the Ashkenazi custom today is to prohibit any bathing throughout the Shloshim.[33] It is even forbidden to bathe the head [or any other limb, using hot water]. One is not to swerve from this custom, as it is an ancient custom that was established by the elderly scholars and Torah leaders.[34] This prohibition applies to both men and women.[35]

Cold water:[36] The above prohibition and custom only refers to bathing in hot water. However, in cold water, it is permitted to bathe even one’s entire body, after Shiva during Shloshim.[37] Some Poskim[38], however, only permit during Shloshim for one to bathe the head, arms[39] and feet [or other single limb[40]] in cold water[41], and not one’s entire body. Practically, one may be lenient in this matter [to bathe his entire body in cold water] when one is not bathing for the sake of pleasure but rather for cleanliness.[42]

B. Cases of exception:

One who is dirty/sweaty:[43] One whose body is dirty [such as due to sweat[44]] may bathe/shower regularly [even using hot water[45]] in order to remove the dirt and sweat. [One may only wash with hot water the area of the body that is dirty.[46] If, however, one feels dirty in his entire body, then he may bathe his entire body.[47] One may not remain in the hot water once the dirt or sweat has been washed off.] This allowance applies even during Shiva. [Practically, the custom is to permit the Avel to bathe for the sake of cleanliness when he rises from Shiva, being that he has not bathed for seven days.[48]]

Baal Bris and Chasan:[49] One who is a Baal Bris [i.e. father of child; Mohel; Sandek] may bathe the night before the Bris even if it is taking place within the Shloshim. [The same applies to a Chasan who is getting married during Shloshim, that he may bathe on the day of his wedding.[50]]

Yoledes:[51] It is permitted for a Yoledes [woman within thirty days after birth[52]] to bathe [even during Shiva, even in hot water] if she needs to do so.

Married woman:[53] A married woman may bathe her body during Shloshim for the sake of not being despised in the eyes of her husband. This applies even more so to a Kallah within thirty days of her wedding who may bathe regularly for this reason.

Nidda-Mikveh:[54] A woman may immerse in a Mikveh regularly during Shloshim in order to purify herself from her Nidda state.

One with lice:[55] One who is suffering from lice on his head is permitted to wash his head with hot water and shampoo.[56]

Consecutive Aveilus:[57] One who is sitting Aveilus consecutively for two different relatives, one after the other [such as a second relative passed away during or right after the Shloshim of the first relative] then it is permitted for him to wash his entire body even in hot water after the Shloshim of the first relative, even if he is within the Shiva of the second relative.

Erev Shabbos end of Shloshim:[58] In the event that the Shloshim falls on Shabbos, and the 29th day is on Erev Shabbos, it is permitted to bathe on Erev Shabbos in honor of Shabbos.[59]

 

Summary:

One may not bathe/shower in hot water during Shloshim any part of his body unless he is dirty/sweaty, in which case he may wash off the dirt/sweat even using hot water. One may bathe regularly using cold water for the sake of cleanliness.

 

Cases of exception

May one bathe for medical reasons during Shloshim?[60]

It is permitted to bathe for health purposes during Shloshim even in hot water. It is permitted to do so even if one is not currently sick, if the bathing contains a medical incentive or necessity.

 

May one bathe on Erev Shabbos during Shloshim?

Hot water:[61] One who bathes himself every Erev Shabbos, may wash his head [hands and feet[62]] in hot water on Erev Shabbos within Shloshim. However, one may not bathe his entire body in hot water.

Cold water:[63]  One may bathe his entire body in cold water on Erev Shabbos during Shloshim.

Erev Shabbos end of Shloshim: See above!

 

May a man immerse in a Mikveh during Shloshim?

One may immerse daily in a Mikveh prior to Davening during Shloshim, as he is accustomed to immersing during the year. Certainly, he may immerse to purify himself from Keri.[64] When immersing in a Mikveh, one is to immerse in a cold or warm Mikveh, as opposed to hot.[65] If, however, one is unable to immerse in a cold Mikveh, he may immerse in a hot one.[66] It is however forbidden to remain within the water more than necessary, and one must immerse and then immediately exit the Mikveh.[67]]

Erev Shabbos:[68] One who immerses in a Mikveh every Erev Shabbos, may likewise immerse on Erev Shabbos during Shloshim.

 

May a girl of Shidduchim age bathe during Shloshim?[69]

A girl who is involved in Shidduchim may bathe regularly in hot water during Shloshim.

 

 

May one work as a lifeguard or other water-based occupation during Shloshim?[70]

Yes.

 

Q&A on cold water

May one bathe regularly in warm water?[71]

Some Poskim[72] rule that warm water is defined as cold, and follows all its Halachic leniencies. Other Poskim[73], however, rule that warm water is defined as hot, and is hence forbidden to be bathed in at all, according to the custom. Practically, one may be lenient like the former opinion.[74]

The definition of warm versus hot: The Poskim define warm as water that is no longer referred to as hot by people[75], or water that is below 98.6 Fahrenheit[76], and thus it must be below this temperature to be allowed without question, otherwise it has the status of hot water.

May one go swimming during Shloshim?[77]

One is not allowed to swim for pleasure during Shloshim.

For health reasons: It is permitted to swim for medical reasons, as explained above.

 

7. Anointing:[78]

It is permitted to anoint the body during Shloshim. [It is thus permitted to wear deodorant without any question.[79]]

8. Makeup:[80]

A single girl or woman who is not involved in Shidduchim may not apply makeup during Shloshim.[81] However, a married woman, may wear makeup during Shloshim.[82] Likewise, a girl who is involved in Shidduchim may wear makeup during Shloshim.[83]

A. Laundering clothing:[85]

After the Shiva, it is permitted to launder clothing. [This applies whether for oneself to wear after the Shloshim, as explained in B, or for the sake of others to wear, however it remains forbidden due to custom for him to wear the washed clothing until after the Shloshim, as explained in B, unless someone wears it in the interim].[86]

 

 

Q&A

May one launder his clothing during Shloshim for the sake of wearing them after having another person wear them first?[87]

Some Poskim[88] rule it is forbidden to do so. Other Poskim[89] rule it is permitted to do so.

May an Avel polish his shoes during Shloshim?[90]

Yes.

B. Wearing freshly laundered clothing:[91]

Freshly laundered: From the letter of the law, after the Shiva, one may wear freshly laundered clothing.[92] However, the widespread world custom ]of Ashkenazi Jewry] is to forbid doing so.[93] [This applies to both men and women.[94] This does not apply to undergarments, as explained in the Q&A.] The custom is to give the clothing to another person to wear first and then the Avel can wear it. Practically, this custom is the main Halachic directive that one is to follow, and so is the custom of the Ashkenazi communities. [However, Sephardim are lenient to follow the letter of the law and wear freshly laundered clothing without restriction from after the Shiva.[95]] If another person wears it for even one hour [or any amount of time, even less than 60 minutes[96]], it suffices.[97] This allowance applies even for freshly ironed clothing, as explained next.[98] [An alternative to having another person wear the clothing, is to place it on the floor for some time.[99]] If the clothing was laundered with only water, and not other substances [i.e. detergent[100]], it is permitted to wear it after Shiva without having another person wear it beforehand.[101]

Wearing freshly ironed clothing:[102] From the letter of the law, it is forbidden to wear freshly ironed[103] clothing until after the Shloshim. This prohibition, however, only applies if the garment is white and new, although applies even if the garment is made of linen. [However, according to the custom brought above, the prohibition applies to all ironed clothing[104]]. One who is in mourning for a father or mother may not wear such a garment until after the first holiday that arrives after Shloshim and [or[105]] also the passing of Shiur Gearah.[106] Some Poskim[107] however rule that today there is no longer a prohibition [from the letter of the law] against wearing ironed clothing [past Shiva], as today’s ironing has the same status as the laundering of previous times. Practically, one may not wear freshly ironed clothing after Shiva unless someone else wears it in the interim, as explained above by freshly laundered clothing.[108]

Sheets/Blankets:[109] The above prohibition against wearing freshly laundered clothing applies likewise towards freshly laundered or freshly ironed linen, bed sheets and blankets [and one is thus to have someone else use it beforehand[110]].

Towels:[111] It is forbidden to use freshly laundered towels during Shloshim [and one is thus to have someone else use it beforehand[112]]. This applies even to hand towels.

Tablecloths:[113] It is forbidden to use freshly laundered towels during Shloshim, with exception to Erev Shabbos for the sake of Shabbos.

 

Summary:

One may not wear freshly ironed or freshly laundered clothing during Shloshim unless someone else wears the clothing in the interim for some time, or he places it on the floor for some time. Likewise, one may not wear freshly ironed or freshly laundered linen during Shloshim unless someone else lies on the linen for some time.

 

Q&A

If one forgot and wore a freshly laundered garment without having another person wear it beforehand, must he remove it?[114]

No.

 

May one wear freshly laundered undergarments during Shloshim?[115]

One whose undergarments are dirty or sweaty may wear freshly laundered undergarments and it is not necessary to have another person wear them beforehand.[116] One may thus wear fresh socks, undershirts and underwear as necessary.

May one wear a freshly cleaned hat during Shloshim?[117]

Yes.

May children below Bar/Bas Mitzvah who are in Aveilus wear freshly laundered clothing?[118]

Yes.

May a woman who is an Avel and in the midst of Shiva Nekiyim wear freshly laundered white clothing?[119]

Yes. She may also spread freshly laundered white linen on her bed.

May an Avel who is sleeping by a hotel, or friend’s house, during Shloshim sleep with freshly laundered linen?[120]

Yes. However, it is best for a friend to use the linen first, or to place it on the ground for some time.

 

C. New clothing:

Some Poskim[121] rule it is permitted for a mourner to wear new clothing after the Shiva. Other Poskim[122] rule it is forbidden for an Avel to wear new clothing until after the Shloshim. [Practically it is forbidden to do so.[123]] Furthermore, the custom is [for an Avel who is in mourning for a parent] to be stringent [not to wear new clothing] throughout the 12 months of mourning.[124] [This prohibition applies only to clothing of importance, other clothing however which are not of importance, such as pants [or a shirt, and certainly undergarments] are permitted to be worn.[125] Regarding buying new clothing without intent to wear them-see Q&A!]

In a time of need:[126] In a time of need [that one does not have other clothing available] one is to give his new clothing to another person to wear for two to three days and he may then wear it. [This allowance applies even to clothing of importance, such as a coat or Kapata and the like.[127] This allowance applies even during Shloshim.[128] It however does not suffice to simply place the garment on the ground.[129]]

 

Summary:

An Avel is not to wear new clothing [of importance] during Shloshim. An Avel for a parent is not to wear new clothing [of importance] for the first 12 months. If one does not have other clothing available, one is to give the new clothing to another person to wear for two to three days and he may then wear it. [Clothing that are not of importance, such pants, shirts, undergarments, may be worn.]

 

Q&A

May an Avel make clothing during Shloshim?[130]

Some Poskim[131] rule it is forbidden for an Avel of a parent to make new clothing during Shloshim, or throughout the year of Aveilus, even if he does not plan to wear the clothing. Other Poskim[132], however, rule it is permitted to make new clothing if one does not plan to wear it.

If one tore his jacket [Keriah] may he buy and wear a new one during the first year?

Yes. One may give it to another person to wear 2-3 days and he may then wear it.[133]

 

May an Avel wear new shoes during Shloshim?[134]

No.

 

May an Avel sleep on new bed linen during Shloshim?

One may do so if he has another person lie on the linen for some time beforehand.

 

May one wear a new Kittle on Yom Kippur during Shloshim?[135]

One is to have a friend wear it first for some time, and he may then wear it.

May one buy and wear a new Tallis Gadol/Katan during the year of Aveilus?[136]      

It is permitted to buy Tefillin and a Tallis Katan/Gadol throughout the year of Aveilus. He may wear the Tallis Katan without giving it to another, although may not wear the Tallis Gadol unless it is a time of need, and he gives it to another to wear for 2-3 days.

May a Chasan who is getting married during Shloshim wear new clothing?[137]

Yes.

 

 

Buying new items

May an Avel buy new clothing during Shloshim?[138]

Yes. He however may not wear the new clothing unless one of the above exceptions apply.

 

Buying new items:[139]

It is permitted to purchase new items after Shiva, during Shloshim, without limitation. It is not necessary for another person to use the item first. Regarding buying and wearing new clothing, see above!

May one paint his home during Shloshim?[140]

Yes.

May one purchase/rent a new home and move during Shloshim?[141]

Yes.

 

D. Shabbos clothing:[142]

Some Poskim[143] rule it is forbidden for a mourner to wear Shabbos clothing [during the Shloshim] throughout the first four weeks of mourning.[144] Practically, the custom is to be stringent.[145] [This applies even on Shabbos.[146] Other Poskim[147] however rule an Avel is to wear Shabbos clothing on Shabbos even during Shiva/Shloshim.[148] Practically, the custom is to wear Shabbos clothing on Shabbos[149] and Yom Tov[150], including Chol Hamoed[151]. This applies even if the Shabbos clothing is freshly laundered.[152] It is best however to have another person wear the clothing first if it is freshly laundered.[153] It remains forbidden to wear Shabbos clothing during the week.]

Bris Mila:[154] An Avel who is a Baal Bris [Father of son; Mohel; Sandek] may wear Shabbos clothing for the Bris.

 

Summary:

It is forbidden to wear Shabbos clothing during the weekdays of Shloshim. One is to wear Shabbos clothing on Shabbos, Yom Tov, and Chol Hamoed during Shloshim.

 

Q&A

If one does not have Shabbos clothing available may he wear new Shabbos clothing?

Yes, however if the clothing is of importance [such as a Kapata] then another person is to wear the clothing for some time beforehand.

Q&A on wearing Shabbos clothing during the week

If one is accustomed to wear fancy clothing [that can be Shabbosdik] even during the week, may he wear it during Shloshim?[155]

Yes. Thus, a Rav or Rosh Yeshiva who is accustomed to wear a Kapata even during weekdays may continue to wear it. However, some Poskim[156] rule it is accustomed for women who are in Aveilus not to wear fancy clothing worn only by aristocrats.

May one wear Shabbos clothing for a Pidyon Haben of one’s son during Shloshim?[157]

Yes.

May a parent wear Shabbos clothing for the wedding of a child during Shloshim?[158]

Yes.

May one wear Shabbos clothing for Yud Tes Kisleiv and the like during Shloshim?

Seemingly one may do so if he feels very connected to the day and will feel pained if he were to wear weekday clothing on such a day.[159]

10. Haircuts & Shaving:[160]

A mourner may not cut his hair within Shloshim.[161] [This applies even if he is reprimanded for his ill-mannered appearance.[162] Regarding after Shloshim, if one is mourning a parent, see Chapter 23 Halacha 10 that he may not take a haircut until he is reprimanded by his friends for his ill-mannered appearance. If he is in mourning for other relatives, he may cut his hair from sunrise of the 30th day.]

What hair is included in the prohibition?[163] The prohibition applies to all body hair, whether hair of the head or the face or any other limb of the body, including the pubic area.[164] [The prohibition applies likewise to the Peiyos area.[165] Some suggest that the prohibition does not apply to the eyelashes or eye brows.[166]]

Trimming/Shaving the beard: Those who are accustomed to shave or trim their beard may not do so until after the Shloshim, as stated above.[167] After the passing of Shloshim, it is permitted for all mourner to shave their beard even if the mourner has not been reprimanded.[168]

Mustache:[169] After the conclusion of Shiva, it is permitted to trim the mustache[170] hair that interferes with eating.

Women:[171] Some Poskim[172] rule women may cut their hair after the conclusion of Shiva. Other Poskim[173] however prohibit even women to cut hair [after the Shiva, within the Shloshim]. Practically, so is the main opinion [for Ashkenazi Jewry, that cutting hair is forbidden during Shloshim even for women].[174] [See Q&A]

Discovered Aveilus in middle of haircut:[175] If one discovered that his relative passed away in middle of a haircut, and he thus became an Avel [or Onen], he may complete the haircut. This ruling applies whether the Avel is the person giving the haircut or is the person receiving the haircut. If, however, he is the person giving the haircut, then he may only finish it if there is no other barber in the city. [Some Poskim[176] rule the above allowance applies even if the haircut was not yet begun but one already sat down to receive the haircut and has the haircut garment placed on him.]

Combing the hair: It is permitted for an Avel to comb the hair with a comb, even during Shiva. This applies for both men and women. See Chapter 19 Halacha 12 for the full details of this matter!

Erev Shabbos end of Shloshim:[177] In the event that the Shloshim falls on Shabbos, and the 29th day is on Erev Shabbos, it nevertheless remains forbidden to take a haircut, even on Erev Shabbos, even for relatives that are not the children of the deceased.

Does a holiday permit a haircut?[178] If during the period of Shloshim, the Holiday does not help remove the prohibition against taking a haircut if one is in mourning for a parent. See Chapter 27 Halacha 2B!

 

 

Summary:

A mourner may not cut his hair within Shloshim. [Regarding after Shloshim, see Chapter 27 Halacha 10] This applies for both men and woman. This applies to all body hair, whether hair of the head or the face or any other limb of the body, including the pubic area.

 

Q&A on women

May a woman cut sideburns and other protruding hairs during Shloshim?[179]

After the conclusion of Shiva, a woman may cut protruding hairs that are normally cut from her body, such as the hairs of her sideburns, and hairs that protrude beyond her neckline.

 

May a woman cut her hair for the sake of immersing in a Mikveh?[180]

Yes.

 

May a woman shave body hair during Shloshim?[181]

It is permitted for married woman, and woman of marriageable age, to shave[182] after the conclusion of Shiva, within Shloshim.

May a single girl with long hair trim it during Shloshim?[183]

Some write it may be trimmed for reasons of Tznius and Halacha, and especially if doing so is necessary for Shidduchim.[184]

May a woman trim her Sheital during Shloshim?[185]

Yes.

Cases of exception

May a Mohel or Sandek cut his hair in honor of a Bris during Shloshim?[186]

No.

May one cut his hair prior to the end of Shloshim in order to keep his job or be effective in government circles?

One is to contact a Rav in such a case.[187]

May one cut the hair for medical reasons?

Some[188] suggest that it is permitted to do so.

May one shave in order to hide the mourning from a dangerously ill relative?[189]

Yes.

 

11. Cutting nails:[190]

It is forbidden for an Avel to cut his nails with a vessel [i.e. knife or scissor or nail clipper] during Shiva, up until the Shloshim.[191] [This applies to the nails of both the hands and the feet.[192] This applies for both a man and woman.[193] This applies even against having another person cut ones nails for him.[194] This applies even against cutting a single nail.[195] It is permitted for all mourners to cut the nails after Shloshim, as explained in Chapter 23 Halacha 11.]

Cutting using one’s hands or teeth:[196] It is permitted to cut one’s nails [without an instrument such as through] using one’s hands or teeth. This applies even during Shiva.

Woman preparing for Mikveh:[197] A woman who is going to Mikveh between the Shiva and Shloshim is to have a gentile woman cut her nails with a razor or scissor [or any instrument, such as a nail cutter]. She is not to cut the nails using her teeth or hands.[198] She may not have a Jewish woman cut the nails for her.[199] Some Poskim[200] however rule that one may even have a Jewish woman cut the nails for her.[201] Other Poskim[202] rule that she may even cut the nails herself.[203] [Practically, if it is difficult to have the nails cut through another person she may cut them herself and so is the widespread custom.[204]]

May a Mohel cut his nails during Shloshim?[205] It is permitted for the Mohel to cut the nails [that are used during the Mila[206], even with a vessel[207]] during Shloshim for the sake of performing a Mila. [If, however, there is another Mohel available then it is forbidden for him to cut his nails.[208] Some Poskim[209] however are lenient to allow the Mohel to cut his nails after Shiva, within Shloshim, even if there is another Mohel available.]

Erev Shabbos end of Shloshim:[210] In the event that the Shloshim falls on Shabbos, and the 29th day is on Erev Shabbos, it nevertheless remains forbidden to cut one’s nails, even on Erev Shabbos.

 

Q&A

May one begin cutting the nails with a scissor, nail clipper, and then remove it using one’s fingers or teeth?[211]

Yes.

May one file his nails during Shloshim?[212]

Yes.

May an Avel cut another person’s nails?[213]

Yes.

 

May one cut his nails on Erev Shabbos during the Shloshim?

No. It is forbidden to cut the nails using a vessel even on Erev Shabbos.

Shloshim falls on Shabbos: If the day of Shloshim falls on Shabbos, some Poskim[214] rule it is permitted to cut the nails on Erev Shabbos if one’s nails are long. Other Poskim[215], however, rule that it is forbidden to do so even in such a case.

May one cut his nails on Erev Yom Tov?[216]

If Erev Yom Tov falls within the Shloshim, it is permitted to cut the nails close to sunset.

May one cut his nails on Erev Pesach before midday?

Some Poskim[217] permit one to have another person cut one’s nails in order to clean the nails of Chametz. See Chapter 27 Halacha 2B!

May one cut his nails during Shloshim if he works in Matzah baking?

Some Poskim[218] permit one to have another person cut one’s nails in order to clean the nails of Chametz.

After the Shloshim, is one to be particular to cut his nails?[219]

Yes. At the conclusion of the Shloshim one is specifically to cut his nails in order to rid himself of the Kelipos.

 

12. Greetings-An Avel greeting others and being greeted by others:

Avel greeting others:[220] After the Shiva, the Avel may inquire the wellbeing of any person.[221]

Avel being greeted by other:[222] Until the Shloshim one may not greet an Avel.[223] If others do greet him, he may answer to the greeting. [Likewise, if one is greeted by the Avel, he may return the greetings.[224] Practically, many are lenient today to greet the Avel after Shiva, even within Shloshim, with greetings that do not contain the word Shalom.[225]] See Chapter 19 Halacha 4 for the full details of this subject!

13. Comforting the Avel:[226]

Comforting an Avel for the passing of relatives other than a parent: One who is in mourning for other relatives may be comforted by others for the first 30 days. After 30 days he is not to directly comfort him for the loss. This means that he is not to mention the name of the deceased to the mourner, but is to simply say “be comforted.” [The custom today however is not to say even “Tisnachem” after the Shloshim.”[227]]

Comforting an Avel for the passing of a parent: One who is in mourning for a parent may be comforted by others for the first 12 months. After 12 months he is not to directly comfort him for the loss. This means that he is not to mention the name of the deceased to the mourner, but is to simply say “Tisnachem/Be comforted.” [The custom today however is not to say even “Tisnachem”.[228]]

Comforting an Avel for the passing of a wife: See Chapter 16 Halacha 8!

14. Presents:[229]

Sending gifts to the Avel: It is forbidden to send presents to an Avel throughout the Shloshim. One who is an Avel over the passing of a father or mother may not be sent presents throughout the entire twelve months.

Shabbos and Yom Tov: Those places that are accustomed not to greet an Avel even on Shabbos may not send him a present even on Shabbos. However, those places that are accustomed to greeting an Avel on Shabbos may send him a present on Shabbos [assuming there is no Shabbos transgression involved[230]].

 

Q&A

May an Avel send gifts after Shiva?

Yes.[231] However some[232] write that a mourner is not to send foods or gifts of festivities. 

 

May one send gifts to a Bar Mitzvah boy who is in Aveilus?

If the boy began Aveilus prior to the Bar Mitzvah then it is permitted to do so.

May a Chasan/Kallah send gifts to each other if one of them is in Aveilus?[233]

Yes.

May one send wedding presents to a Chasan or Kallah who is in Aveilus?

One may send them presents as charity if the couple is in need of money, or household appliances, to build their home and start off their life together.[234] 

May a husband send presents to his wife when she is in Aveilus?[235]

Yes.

If a mourner was sent a gift, may he accept it?[236]

Yes.[237]

 

15. Attending a Simcha; a Joyous meal and event during Shloshim:[238]

Due to the vast complexity of this subject, of an Avel participating in a meal/Simcha, we will introduce here a short-summarized version of the Halacha, of which all its complex details will be elaborated throughout the Halachas to come.

 

 

Quick Summary

It is forbidden for an Avel to participate in a meal, including a Seudas Mitzvah, unless one of the following apply:

1. The meal is taking place in the home of the Avel, and it is not a wedding related meal [wedding, Sheva Brachos, engagement]. [See B]

2. One is a relative of the Baal Hasimcha, in which case we allow him to participate in the meal as a Shamash, or even directly, depending on the relation he shares with the Baal Hasimcha. [See D-I]

3. It is not a real meal, and only light refreshments are served, without music

*Sephardim allow participating in non-wedding Seudas Mitzvahs during Shloshim.

 

A. The prohibition:[239]

It is forbidden for an Avel to attend certain meals within Shloshim. For a mourner over a parent, this prohibition extends throughout the entire 12 months of Aveilus, as explained in Chapter 23 Halacha 13.

 

B. The meals that are forbidden to attend:

The general rule is that an Avel may not participate in any meal of any sort during the mourning period of Shloshim, and an Avel for a parent may not participate in any meal of any sort for the mourning period of 12 months. However, the level of prohibition and cases of exception depend on the type of meal taking place, such as if it is a Seudas Reshus [a common meal eaten with others] or a joyous Seudas Mitzvah [i.e. a wedding] or a non-joyous Seudas Mitzvah [i.e. a Bris], or a get together with friends, or on the location of the meal, as will be explained.[240]

Seudas Reshus-Party/meal of friends:[241] The prohibition against participating in meals applies even against participating with a group of friends who are making a meal.

Seudas Mitzvah-Wedding:[242] It is forbidden for a mourner to participate in any Seudas Mitzvah which contains joy during Shloshim, such as a wedding. This applies to all relatives.[243]

Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha:[244] Some Poskim[245] rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain joy, such as a Pidyon Haben and Bris Mila. Other Poskim[246] rule it is forbidden for an Avel to participate in a meal of a Bris Mila [or any Seudas Mitzvah even if it does not contain joy]. Practically, the custom is for a mourner [of any relative[247]] to avoid eating in any meal of any sort, throughout the entire period of Aveilus[248], if the meal is taking place outside his home.[249] If, however, the meal is taking place inside of the home of the Avel then the custom is to be lenient to participate in any meal that does not contain Simcha, such as a Seudas Bris Mila, and certainly other meals. [This applies even during Shloshim.[250]] However, by a wedding meal one is to be stringent even if it takes place inside the home.[251] [In a time of absolute necessity, one may be lenient to participate in a meal even if it is taking place outside of his home, with exception to a wedding meal.[252]]

Seuda is dependent on participation of the Avel:[253] Even if the Mitzvah will be nullified if the Avel does not participate, such as if he is marrying off orphans Lesheim Shamayim, then nevertheless, the Avel may not participate in the wedding within Shloshim. [However, some Poskim[254] rule that an Avel who is in mourning for other relatives may participate even during Shloshim. Other Poskim[255] however rule it is forbidden for any mourning relative to participate. Some Poskim[256] rule that this allowance of the lenient opinion extends to any Avel of other relatives whose participation in the wedding is desired by the Chasan/Kallah and if he does not attend the Chasan/Kallah will be saddened. In such a case the Avel may participate in the meal, and according to some[257], may even remain in the hall during the music.] 

Being invited as guests and inviting others as guests during Aveilus: Some Poskim[258] rule it is forbidden for an Avel within Shloshim, and an Avel for a parent within 12 months, to invite guests[259], or to be invited out as guests [for a meal]. However, on Shabbos, it is permitted to do so in an area that is accustomed to greeting Aveilim on Shabbos.[260] Practically, on Shabbos one may be lenient in this matter [although not regarding participating in a public meal].[261]

Participating in a meal taking place inside the home of the Avel:[262] If the meal is taking place inside of the home of the Avel, then the custom is to be lenient to participate in any meal that does not contain Simcha, such as a Seudas Bris Mila, and certainly other meals.[263] [This applies whether to a meal that is defined as a Seudas Mitzvah, or a Seudas Reshus.[264]] However, by a wedding meal, one is to be stringent even if it takes place inside the home.

Attending the meal on the basis of being Mishameish/waitering the meal: It is permitted in certain cases for one to participate in a meal during Shloshim, if he will waiter at the meal. See Halacha D for the full details of this matter.

Relatives attending Simchas:[265] It is permitted for certain close relatives of the Baal Hasimcha to participate in Simchas during Shloshim, as explained in Halachas E-I. See there regarding the relevant Simcha and the exact ruling for which relatives may participate, and under what circumstances.

 

Summary:

A mourner may not participate in any meal of any sort throughout the Shloshim, and an Avel for a parent  may not participate in any meal throughout the entire 12 months, if the meal is taking place outside his home. If, however, the meal is taking place inside of the home of the Avel, then he may participate in any meal with exception to a wedding meal. [In however a time of absolute necessity, one may be lenient to participate in a meal even if it is taking place outside of his home, with exception to a wedding meal. There are also certain exceptions afforded to relatives of the Baal Hasimcha, and one who will waiter at the meal, as will be explained.]

 

Q&A

May an Avel participate in a Simcha, if a meal is not being served?[266]

Yes. This applies even if light refreshments will be served. However, one may not be present if there will be music at the event.

 

On Shabbos or Yom Tov may an Avel participate in a public meal, or a Simcha?

Some Poskim[267] rule it is forbidden for an Avel to participate in a public meal even on Shabbos, unless his lack of participation will be considered public Aveilus [such as by close friends or relatives], or it is taking place inside of his home. Other Poskim[268], however, rule it is permitted to participate on Shabbos in all meals even if lack of participation will not be noticed as public mourning [with exception to a meal which contains Simcha of a Chasan and Kallah such as Sheva Brachos, in which case it is forbidden unless lack of participation would be public mourning[269]].[270] Practically, one is to be stringent in all cases that not participating in the meal will not be a sign of public Aveilus.[271] If a meal will not take place by the Simcha, but rather mere refreshments, [i.e. a basic Kiddush], it is permitted to participate.[272]

Shalosh Seudos:[273] Whether one may participate in the Shul’s Shalosh Seudos is subject to the dispute above. Practically, one is to follow his usual pattern, and hence if he usually eats this meal in Shul, then he is not allowed to refrain from doing so.[274]

 

May an Avel invite guests over for Shabbos or be invited as a guest to others?[275]

Yes.

May an Avel participate in a Melaveh Malka meal?

No. However, some[276] write that if the meal is taking place in Shul then the Avel may participate in it. Practically, one is not to do so unless he is Mishameish [i.e. waiters] by the meal, and does not eat in the main room.

 

May an Avel eat a meal together with relatives and friends?[277]

Yes. The prohibition is only in relation to meals that take place with non-household members. Seemingly one may also eat a meal together with relatives, or close friends, so long as it does not turn into a Seudas Mereius, a meal of joyful gathering and party.

May a Yeshiva Bochur in Aveilus eat meals together with the other students in the dining room?[278]

Yes.

May an Avel eat in a hotel together with others in the dining room?[279]

Yes.

 

May an Avel enter a Seuda to simply wish Mazal Tov to the family?[280]

It is permitted to do so long as there is no music playing at the time he enters, and he does not participate in the meal.

 

In those cases that the Avel is permitted to participate in the meal, may he do so even if there is music playing?[281]

This matter is disputed in Poskim.[282] Practically, they are not to participate in the meal while fast music is playing.[283]

 

May an Avel join a Sheva Brachos meal that is taking place in his home during Shiva?

See Halacha E in Q&A!

 

May children below Bar Mitzvah who are in Aveilus participate in a Simcha?

Yes.[284]

May a wife in Aveilus go with her husband to a Simcha?

Some Poskim[285] rule it is permitted for a wife in Aveilus to attend a Simcha with her husband upon his request if not doing so can ruin the Shalom Bayis in the home.

May an Avel attend Simcha for the sake of his Parnasa?[286]

Yes. See Halacha D!

May the children participate in a Shloshim meal held in memory of their parent?

See Halacha K in Q&A!

C. Eating in a side room:[287]

Some Poskim[288] rule it is permitted for an Avel to eat in a side room, away from where the celebration is taking place, [and he may thus eat in a side room] together with the waiters of a wedding meal or meal of a Bris Milah. Other Poskim[289] however prohibit one to participate even in the side room [and he may thus not eat in a side room together with the waiters]. Practically, the custom is like the latter, stringent, opinion, and eating in the side room is forbidden. If, however, one also waiter’s at the meal, then we are lenient as explained next

D. Mishameish: Being a waiter and performing a service on behalf of the meal:[290]

Not in the main hall:[291] An Avel may work in the kitchen or in the waiter’s room during a wedding meal or Seudas Bris Milah. [He, however, is to eat alone in a side room.[292]]

In the main hall: Some Poskim[293] rule it is forbidden for an Avel to be a waiter by a meal that he may not participate in. Other Poskim[294] rule it is permitted for an Avel to be a waiter by a meal, whether a wedding meal or Seudas Bris Milah and the like. Practically, the custom is to be lenient.[295] [This applies even during Shloshim.[296] However one is to only resort to this leniency if he is a relative of the Baal Hasimcha.[297] It is however absolutely forbidden to participate in the meal.[298] He is rather to eat alone in a side room.[299]]

 

How much food must one serve by the meal to be considered a waiter?

One is to serve food to the tables just like a regular waiter.[300] Nevertheless, some[301] write the custom is to be lenient to permit even a slight service, such to pour a glass of wine for the attendees.

 

Other services done by a meal that allow one to be present just like a waiter:[302]

The rule is that any service which one does for the meal gives one the title of a Mishameish and allows him to be present by the meal [even of a wedding] although he may not participate in the meal. These include:

· Giving over a Dvar Torah.[303]

· Helping receive the guests and show them off to their tables.

· To assist a Rav or the elderly participants

· Being a Mashgiach Kashrus.

· Being part of the band [if doing so is necessary for his Parnasa].

· Being part of the photography crew.

 

E. Attending a wedding, engagement party & Sheva Brachos:[304]

*See Q&A section at the end of this Halacha regarding the law concerning close relatives, and if they may participate in the Chuppah and wedding! Also, see Q&A regarding engagement parties and Sheva Brachos.

The Chuppah: It is forbidden for a mourner to attend a Chuppah within the Shloshim.[305] Some Poskim[306], however, rule that this only applies if the Chuppah is taking place inside the actual wedding hall, in the area in which the eating and dancing is taking place, however if the Chuppah is taking place elsewhere [such as in a Shul[307], or the courtyard of a Shul[308], or in a designated area that is outside of the hall’s eating and dancing area[309]] then a mourner that is past the Shiva may attend the Chuppah. Other Poskim[310] however rule it is forbidden for the Avel to participate during Shloshim even if the Chuppah is taking place elsewhere. Practically, the final ruling is like the latter opinions who are stringent and hence an Avel may not attend a Chuppah during Shloshim even if it takes place outside the wedding hall.[311] In all cases, however he may stand outside the hall and hear the blessings.[312] [If, however, one will be Mishameish by the meal or Chuppah, then if he a relative of the Chasan or Kallah, then he may participate in the Chuppah, as explained in D and in Q&A.]

The wedding meal; dancing; wedding hall:[313] An Avel may not enter the wedding hall at all at the time that the festivities of the Chasan and Kallah are taking place. [This refers to the meal[314], or towards the music and dancing.[315] One may not even enter to wish them Mazal Tov during this time. However, one may enter the hall to wish them Mazal Tov and the like when they are not eating or dancing.[316]] It goes without saying that he may not participate in the meal [or dancing]. The Avel may not participate in the wedding meal even if it is taking place in his home.[317]

Misader Kiddushin and saying the blessings under the Chuppah:[318] It is permitted for a mourner within Shloshim [after Shiva] to recite the blessings of Kiddushin or Sheva Brachos [Nessuin] under the Chuppah. [Some Poskim[319] however rule this only applies if the Chuppah is taking place not in the area of the meal, such as in Shul. Other Poskim[320] however rule this applies even if the Chuppah is taking place in a hall and the like. Regarding the wedding meal, some[321] allow him to stay for the meal so long as he does not eat there and does not remain while music is being played. The Rav may certainly stay for the wedding meal, if this is necessary for his Parnasa, although he may not eat at the meal.[322]]

Shushvinin/Escorts by wedding:[323] It is forbidden for an Avel within Shloshim to be a Shushvinin for the Chasan or Kallah. [This however only applies to an Avel for the passing of a parent, however an Avel for the passing of other relatives may be a Shushvinin even within Shloshim.[324] Furthermore, some Poskim[325] rule that all Aveilim who are relatives of the Chasan and Kallah may be a Shushvinin even within Shloshim. He however may not participate in the wedding meal.[326] However, some are lenient in this matter and even eat in the wedding meal.[327] Those who are lenient are to slightly waiter [i.e. Shimush] at the wedding.[328] Practically, one is to only be lenient if he is a relative of the Chasan/Kallah, and he is not to remain in the hall while music is playing.[329] The Shushvinin is only considered the person who escorts the Chasan/Kallah to the Chuppah from beginning to the end and not people who are honored on the way to the Chuppah to hold the candle and escort them a few steps.[330]]

Shabbos clothing by wedding:[331] It is permitted for a mourner who is serving as a Shushvinin [i.e. during Shloshim-a mourner of other relatives or a relative of the Chasan/Kallah] to wear Shabbos clothing. He may wear all of his Shabbos clothing.[332] [It is however forbidden for the Misader Kiddushin who is an Avel to wear Shabbos clothing.[333]]

Wedding is contingent on participation of Avel:[334] If the wedding will be nullified if the Avel does not participate, such as if he is marrying off orphans Lesheim Shamayim, then some Poskim[335] rule that an Avel who is in mourning for other relatives may participate and eat in the meal even during Shloshim. Other Poskim[336], however, rule it is forbidden for an Avel of any degree [even not for the passing of a parent] to participate. [Some Poskim[337] rule that the allowance of the lenient opinion extends to any Avel who is not in mourning for a parent, whose participation in the wedding is desired by the Chasan/Kallah and if he does not attend the Chasan/Kallah will be saddened. In such a case the Avel may participate in the meal and according to some[338] may even remain in the hall during the music.] 

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in the wedding meal on the premises that one will help waiter the meal.

 

Summary:

The Chuppah: It is forbidden for a mourner to attend a Chuppah during Shloshim. He may however stand outside the hall and hear the blessings. [If, however, one will be Mishameish by the meal or Chuppah, then he may participate in the Chuppah, as explained in D and in Q&A.]

The meal; dancing; wedding hall: An Avel may not enter the wedding hall at all at the time of the meal, or the music and dancing. [One may not even enter to recite Mazal Tov during this time. However, one may enter the hall to recite Mazal Tov and the like when they are not eating or dancing.] The Avel may not participate in the wedding meal even if it is taking place in his home.

Misader Kiddushin and saying the blessings under the Chuppah: It is permitted for a mourner within Shloshim [after Shiva] to recite the blessings of Kiddushin or Sheva Brachos [Nessuin] under the Chuppah. It is disputed if this applies even if the Chuppah is taking place in the area of the meal.

Shushvinin/Escorts: It is forbidden for an Avel of a parent within Shloshim to be a Shushvinin for the Chasan or Kallah. Aveilim of other relatives, however, may be a Shushvinin. He however may not participate in the wedding meal, unless he is a relative of the Chasan/Kallah, will cater at the meal, and does not remain in the hall while music is playing.

Wedding is contingent on participation of Avel: If the wedding will be nullified if the Avel does not participate, some Poskim rule that an Avel who is in mourning for other relatives may participate and eat in the meal even during Shloshim. Some Poskim rule that this allowance of the lenient opinion extends to any Avel of other relatives whose participation in the wedding is desired by the Chasan/Kallah and if he does not attend the Chasan/Kallah will be saddened. In such a case the Avel may participate in the meal and according to some may even remain in the hall during the music.

 

Q&A

In those cases that one may attend a Chuppah during Shloshim, may one attend even if music will be playing by the Chuppah?

It is permitted to attend the Chuppah even if music will be played during the ceremony.[339] However some Poskim[340] are stringent in this matter.

 

May those people who are permitted to participate in the wedding meal do so even if there is music playing?[341]

This matter is disputed in Poskim.[342] Practically, they are not to participate in the meal while fast music is playing.[343]

 

In those cases that participating in the wedding meal is only allowed if one waiter’s at the meal, how much food must one waiter?

See Halacha D!

 

May an Avel attend a wedding meal during Shloshim for the sake of his Parnasa?[344]

Yes.

May a musician who is in Aveilus play music for the sake of his Parnasa during Shloshim?[345]

Yes.

May a Mara Deasra who is an Avel participate in the wedding meal of a congregant during Shloshim?

This matter is disputed in Poskim.[346] Practically, he may participate in the meal, so long as he recites Divrei Torah, although he may not eat by the meal, and is to exit the hall when music is being played.[347]

 

May an Avel participate in a Chuppah/wedding meal if he was invited to say over words of Torah?[348]

This follows the same ruling as above.[349]

 

May an Avel enter the wedding simply to wish Mazal Tov to the family?[350]

It is permitted to do so long as there is no music playing at the time he enters and he does not participate in the meal.

May an Avel join a wedding on Lag Baomer?[351]

Some Poskim[352] rule an Avel may join a wedding on Lag Baomer.[353] Practically, one may be lenient in the case of relatives in which the Chasan and Kallah will be pained by their absence.

 

 

May a relative or close friend who is an Avel attend a wedding within Shloshim?[354]

*For the definition of a Mishameish, and how much one must serve-see Halacha D!

A. Parents and grandparents in Aveilus:[355]

It is permitted for the parents and grandparents[356] of the Chasan or Kallah, to fully participate in the wedding even within Shloshim.[357] This includes attending the Chuppah, eating by the meal[358], remaining during the music and participate in the dancing.[359] They are not required to do any Shimush by the meal.[360] They may wear Shabbos clothing.[361]

B. Siblings in Aveilus:

The Chuppah: If the sibling will be Mishameish by the meal/Chuppah, he may attend the Chuppah even within Shloshim.

The meal/wedding hall:[362] If a sibling who is an Avel is Mishameish by the meal, then he may attend the wedding even within Shloshim. He, however, may not eat by the meal and may only eat in a side room by himself.[363] Some, however, rule he may even eat on the regular table.[364] He is not to be present by the meal if he will not be a Mishameish by the meal unless the siblings live together and constantly eat with each other, in which case he may even join the main meal without Shimush.[365]

Music and dancing:[366] The sibling may remain by the meal while soft music is being played, however one is not to be present while fast music is being played.

Shabbos clothing: It is forbidden for the sibling to wear Shabbos clothing [i.e. a Kapata] within the Shloshim.[367] However, some Poskim[368] are lenient.

C. All other relatives [uncles/aunts, nieces/nephews; cousins, brother/sister in-laws] and close friends:

The Chuppah:[369] The Avel is not to attend the Chuppah within Shloshim even if it is taking place by a Shul, unless they are Mishameish by the meal or Chuppah, as explained next.

The meal/wedding hall:[370] They are not to attend the wedding within the Shloshim. In a time of need, that they will be very much missed by the Chasan or Kallah, they may attend, following the same laws as a sibling, which is that they are to be Mishameish by the meal and eat by themselves in a separate room.[371] In a time of great need, this allowance may apply even to close friends who are not relatives of the Chasan and Kallah.[372]

Music and dancing:[373] One may be present in the hall while soft music is being played during the meal, however one is not to be present while fast music is being played.

Shabbos clothing:[374] It is forbidden for one to wear a Kapata within the Shloshim.

 

 

Q&A on attending wedding related meals[375]

May an Avel attend an engagement party?

No sit-down meal:[376] A mourner may attend an engagement party, or Lechayim/Vort, if they are not having a sit-down meal, and there is no music being played.

A sit-down meal:[377] A mourner may not attend an engagement party or Lechayim/Vort if they are having a sit-down meal, even if there is no music being played. This applies even if the meal is taking place in the home of the Avel.

Parents and grandparents:[378] The parents and grandparents of the Chasan and Kallah may participate in the engagement party during Aveilus even if a meal is taking place.

Friends and relatives:[379] Friends and relatives who are in Aveilus are not to participate in the engagement meal, unless it is a time of great need and they are Mishameish by the Seuda, in which case they may be present during the meal although must eat alone in a separate room.

May an Avel attend a Kabalas Panim before the Chuppah?

A mourner may attend a Kabalas Panim if they are not having a sit-down meal, and there is no music being played.[380] The Rebbe writes that one is only to attend if he waiters the attendees.[381]

 

May an Avel attend a Sheva Brachos meal?[382]

A mourner may not attend a Sheva Brachos meal, even if there is no music being played.

Part of Minyan or Panim Chadashos:[383] If the Avel is part of the Minyan necessary to recite Sheva Brachos, [or if he is the Panim Chadashos of the meal[384]], then he may attend the meal.

Parents and grandparents:[385] The parents and grandparents of the Chasan and Kallah may participate in the Sheva Brachos meal during Aveilus.

Friends and relatives: Friends and relatives who are in Aveilus are not to participate in the Sheva Brachos meal, unless it is a time of great need and they are Mishameish by the Seuda, in which case they may be present during the meal although must eat alone in a separate room.

Shabbos Sheva Brachos:[386] An Avel may not attend Shabbos Sheva Brachos unless it will be public Aveilus if one does not attend, such as if it is taking place inside his home, or he is a close relative that is expected to come.

 

May an Avel join a Sheva Brachos meal that is taking place in his home?

No.[387] However some[388] are lenient in this matter, although he should not sit at the table for the meal together with everyone else, and is rather to participate from a different area of the room. One may certainly be lenient in the event that he is preparing the meal, and is considered the Baal Haseuda.[389]

F. Bris:[390]

An Avel [of any relative[391]] during Shloshim may not participate in a Seudas Bris Mila that is taking place outside of his home [even if he is invited to the meal[392] and even if the meal is dairy[393]]. [This, however, is with exception to certain cases to be explained below.] However, if the Avel is having a Seudas Bris Mila take place in his home, then he may participate in the meal. [In all cases, the Avel may participate in the actual ceremony of the Bris even outside of his home[394], including the light refreshments given afterwards[395], so long as he does not remain for the meal. One however may not participate while music is playing.[396]]

Bris of one’s child within Shloshim: If an Avel [father or mother] is having a Bris for his son take place during Shloshim, he may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Mila.[397] Some Poskim[398] rule he is not to have a festive meal made on the day of the Bris. Practically however, this is not the custom.[399] The Avel may participate in the meal even during Shloshim, if it is taking place inside his home.[400] If the meal is taking place outside of his home-see footnote.[401]

Baal Bris-Mohel and Sandek:[402] If the Avel is a Mohel or Sandek during Shloshim, some Poskim[403] rule he may not wear Shabbos clothing for the Bris. The Avel may participate in the meal even during Shloshim if it takes place inside his home.[404] If the meal is taking place elsewhere, some Poskim[405] rule an Avel [of any type] may not participate in the meal, even though he is the Baal Bris. Other Poskim[406], however, rule that if the Baal Bris is an Avel for other relatives, then he may participate in the meal even within the Shloshim, while if he is an Avel for a parent then he may not participate in the meal during Shloshim. Other Poskim[407] rule that even an Avel for a parent may participate in the meal for a Bris during the Shloshim if he is a Baal Bris. [Practically, one may be lenient in this matter if he is an Avel for other relatives.[408]]

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in the Bris meal on the premises that one will help waiter by the meal.

 

Summary:

An Avel during Shloshim may not participate in a Seudas Bris Mila that is taking place outside of his home. If the Avel is having a Seudas Bris Mila take place in his home, then he may participate in the meal. In all cases, the Avel may participate in the actual ceremony of the Bris even outside of his home, including the light refreshments given afterwards, so long as he does not remain for the meal.

Bris of one’s child within Shloshim: If an Avel [father or mother] is having a Bris for his son take place during Shloshim he may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Mila, and may participate in the meal even during Shloshim, if it is taking place inside his home.

Baal Bris-Mohel and Sandek: If the Avel is a Mohel or Sandek during Shloshim, he may not wear Shabbos clothing. He may participate in the meal even during Shloshim if it takes place inside his home. If the meal is taking place elsewhere, he may be lenient to participate if he is an Avel for relatives other than a parent.

Q&A on Vacht Nacht meal

May an Avel participate in the Vacht Nacht meal?[409]

An Avel is not to participate in the Vacht Nacht meal that takes place the night before the Bris unless the meal takes place in his home, [or he is the father or grandfather of the child].[410] Nevertheless, if a meal is not taking place, and only light refreshments are served, than the Avel may participate.[411] This however is contingent on their not being music or dancing in the area.

 

General Q&A

May an Avel participate in a Seudas Bris Mila meal that is taking place on Shabbos?[412]

No, unless his lack of participation will be considered public Aveilus, or it is taking place inside of his home. [Some Poskim[413] however are lenient in this matter.]

 

May those people who are permitted to participate in the meal do so even if there is music playing?[414]

This matter is disputed in Poskim.[415] Practically, they are not to participate in the meal while the music is playing.

 

May an Avel enter the Seuda to simply wish Mazal Tov to the family?[416]

It is permitted to do so long as there is no music playing at the time that he enters, and he does not participate in the meal.

 

Q&A on cases of exception

May a Yeshiva student in Aveilus participate in a Seudas Bris Milah taking place in the Beis Midrash?[417]

Yes.

May a guest in Aveilus participate in a Seudas Bris Milah taking place in his host’s home?[418]

Yes.

May one be present by a Seudas Bris Milah for the sake of his Parnasa?[419]

Yes.

May an Avel be a waiter for a Seudas Bris Milah?[420]

Yes, so long as he does not participate in the meal.

 

May a Kvater who is an Avel participate in the Seudas Bris Milah during Shloshim?

This matter is disputed in Poskim.[421] Those, however, who simply receive a Kibud to hold the child and pass him around, may not participate in the meal, if they are in Aveilus, and the meal is not taking place in their home.[422]

May a community Rav who is in Aveilus participate in a Seudas Bris Milah of a congregant?[423]

He may do so if he gives over words of Torah during the meal.

Q&A on relatives

May a Grandparent who is an Avel participate in a Seudas Bris Milah taking place for his grandson?[424]

Yes. He may likewise wear Shabbos clothing.

 

 

May a brother or sister who is an Avel participate in a Seudas Bris Milah of their brother or sister?[425]

Yes. If their sibling is making a Bris for their son [the nephew of the Avel], it is permitted for them to participate. It goes without saying that they may participate in the Bris of their baby brother.

 

 

Shalom Zachar:[426]

An Avel may participate in a Shalom Zachar if a sit-down meal is not taking place. If a meal is taking place, then some Poskim[427] rule one may participate in the meal.[428] Other Poskim[429] however rule it is forbidden to participate unless the meal is taking place in one’s home.

Father of child: The father of the child may make a Shalom Zachar meal even if he is in Aveilus. 

 

G. Pidyon Haben:[430]

The ceremony: In all cases the Avel may participate in the actual ceremony of the Pidyon Haben even outside of his home.[431] This applies even if light refreshments will be served afterwards [prior to the meal].[432] One however may not participate while music is playing.[433]

The meal:[434] Some Poskim[435] rule that an Avel may not participate in a Seudas Pidyon Haben. Practically, the custom is for a mourner [of any relative[436]] to avoid eating in any meal of any sort, throughout the period of Aveilus[437], if the meal is taking place outside his home.[438] If, however, the meal is taking place inside of the home of the Avel, then the custom is to be lenient to participate.

Father and mother of child:[439] It is permitted for parents who are in Aveilus to participate in the Pidyon Haben of their son and the meal that follows. They may wear Shabbos clothing.

Siblings/other relatives/close friends: Siblings, and close relatives, or friends, may participate in the Pidyon Haben if they are Mishameish by the meal. They are however to eat on a separate table and not remain during the dancing.

Rav: A Rav who is an Avel may participate in a Pidyon Haben meal if he will give a speech, although he is not to eat by the meal, and is not to remain while music is being played.

Sake of Parnasa: An Avel may participate in a Pidyon Haben meal for the sake of Parnasa.

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation a meal on the premises that one will help waiter the meal.

H. Siyum Misechta:[440]

It is forbidden for an Avel during Shloshim to participate in a meal for a Siyum Misechta.

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in a meal on the premises that one will help waiter the meal.

 

Q&A

May a Bechor who is an Avel join a Siyum Misechta on Erev Pesach so he does not have to fast?[441]

Yes. If, however, a meal is taking place, then he is not to participate in the meal.

I. Bar Mitzvah?[442]

It is forbidden for an Avel [of any relative[443]] during Shloshim to participate in a Bar Mitzvah meal.

Boy in Aveilus who became Bar Mitzvah: A Bar Mitzvah boy in Aveilus may have his Bar Mitzvah take place as usual. He may wear Shabbos clothing.

Parents/grandparents of Bar Mitzvah boy:[444] A parent or grandparent in Aveilus may participate in their child’s Bar Mitzvah and may also eat in the meal as usual. They may also wear Shabbos clothing.

Siblings/other relatives/close friends: Siblings, and close relatives, or friends may participate in the Bar Mitzvah if they are Mishameish by the meal. They are however to eat on a separate table and not remain during the dancing.

Rav: A Rav who is an Avel may participate in a Bar Mitzvah if he will give a speech, although he is not to eat in the meal and is not to remain while music is being played.

Sake of Parnasa: An Avel may participate in a Bar Mitzvah for the sake of Parnasa.

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participation in a meal on the premises that one will help waiter the meal.

J. Chanukas Habayis:[445]

It is forbidden for an Avel [of any relative[446]] during Shloshim to participate in a meal for a Chanukas Habayis even in Eretz Yisrael.

Mishameish: See Halacha D for details on the allowance of participating in a meal on the premises that one will help waiter the meal.

 

K. Siyum Sefer Torah:[447]

An Avel [of any relative[448]] during Shloshim may not participate in a Siyum Sefer Torah during the meal, or music and dancing. This follows the same law as a Siyum Misechta.

L. Chanukah:[449]

It is forbidden for an Avel [of any relative[450]] during Shloshim to participate in a public Chanukah meal or Chanukah party.

M. Purim:[451]

A mourner within Shloshim of his father or mother may not participate in an annual and communal Purim party. This applies even if music will not be played at the party. [Some[452] write that other mourners that are within Shloshim may participate in a Purim party that they attend annually, so long as they do not dance and music will not be played at the party. However other Poskim[453] are stringent even in such a case.]

Seuda in home of Avel:[454] An Avel may hold a Purim feast in his home and invite family and friends to join. If music is played each year by the feast, it is permitted for the music to be played even in the attendance of the Avel.[455]

           

Q&A on Other events

May one attend a Farbrengen, such as for Yud Tes Kisleiv?[456]

It is permitted to attend a Chassidic gathering [Farbrengen] that is taking place in honor of the passing of a Tzaddik or other special event if one feels closely related to the event.[457] This applies even if a meal is taking place. Nevertheless, it is best for one to be Mishameish by the meal.[458]

Music:[459] One may attend while soft music is being played during the meal, however one is not to be present while fast music is being played.

Kapata on Yud Tes Kisleiv:[460] Ideally, it is forbidden for one to wear a Kapata within the Shloshim. However, seemingly one may do so if he feels very connected to the day and will feel pained if he were to wear weekday clothing on such a day.[461]

 

May an Avel attend a Chassidishe Tish?[462]

Yes, unless a meal is taking place, or music is being sounded.

 

May the Avel participate in the meal taking place in honor of the Shloshim?[463]

If the meal is taking place at night of the Shloshim, and contains public participation, then all the Aveilim who desire to participate are to be Mishameish by the meal, and are not to eat together with the participants. If it is taking place on the day of the Shloshim, then only the sons of the deceased are prohibited in participating unless they are Mishameish by the meal. Likewise, if the son finished a Misechta in honor of the Shloshim, and is making a Siyum, he may participate. In all cases that the meal is taking place in the house of the Avel, he may participate without Shimush even on the night of the Shloshim. Likewise, if only refreshments are being served, the Avel may participate.

May an Avel participate in an Upshernish?[464]

Yes. He, however, may not participate in a sit-down meal, or while music is playing.

Father or mother of child: An Avel may make an Upshernish for his/her son, although a meal is not to be made within Shloshim [unless it takes place inside their home]. However, refreshments may be served.

May an Avel participate in a banquet or dinner?[465]

No, unless he is Mishameish at the meal and eats alone in a separate area.

16. Music:[466] 

It is forbidden for a mourner to listen to music during the period of Aveilus. This applies whether to live or recorded music.

 

Q&A on type of music

May one sing during Aveilus?[467]

The custom is to allow singing[468], however some are stringent in this matter.[469]

 

May an Avel listen to a Capella music?

Many are accustomed to permit listening to a Capella[470] music during the three weeks and the same would apply towards Aveilus.[471] However, some Poskim[472] are stringent to prohibit listening to music even of such nature.

 

Q&A on cases of exception

May a musician who is in Aveilus play music for the sake of his Parnasa?[473]

Yes.

 

May a music teacher continue teaching during Aveilus?[474]

Yes, he may continue giving lessons for the sake of Parnasa.

 

May one practice music during Aveilus?

If he is doing so for purposes of Parnasa it is permitted to practice music.[475] If he is doing so for pleasure, then it is forbidden. Likewise, students may not practice playing music on their own during this time.[476]

May an Avel be present in an area that has background music playing?[477]

Yes. He may do so if he has no intent to benefit from the music.

May one play music at home or work if there is an Avel present?[478]

Yes. The Avel is not required to leave the home so long as he does not intend to benefit from the music. However, a wife may not play music in the presence of her husband who is an Avel, and likewise a husband may not play music in the presence of his wife who is an Avel. Likewise, a son or daughter may not play music in the presence of their parent or parent in-law who is in Aveilus.[479]

 

Q&A on Sukkos and Simchas Torah

May an Avel participate in a Simchas Beis Hashoeiva?[480]

Some Poskim[481] rule he may only join as a spectator and may not join the dancing. Others[482] rule he may even join the dancing however on condition that musical instruments are not being played. Others[483] rule he may even join if there is live music playing.

May an Avel play music by a Simchas Beis Hashoeiva?[484]

Yes.

 

Encircling the Bima with the Lulav by Hoshanos:[485]

A mourner does not encircle the Bima by Hoshanos. This applies both to an Onen, or one who is within the 12-month period after the passing of his father or mother.[486] [It likewise applies to a mourner within thirty days of the passing of one of the other seven relatives.[487] However, some Poskim[488] are lenient to allow a mourner for other relatives to perform the Hakafah.]

May an Avel dance during Hakafos?[489]

Some Poskim[490] rule it is forbidden for an Avel [within Shloshim, or within the first 12 months of mourning for a parent] to participate in the Hakafos on Simchas Torah. Other Poskim[491] rule it is permitted for him to participate, Practically, the Chabad custom is that a mourner is not to participate in the Hakafos alone, but rather with an escort.[492] [He is to take hold of the Sefer Torah and have another person hold his arm while encircling the Bima.[493] Alternatively, another person takes hold of the Sefer Torah, and the Avel holds onto the Eitz Chaim while encircling.[494]] According to all, he may watch the Hakafos from the side.[495] If he was offered to join the Hakafos, some[496] write that he may not refuse due to the prohibition against showing public Aveilus.

Hakafos Sheniyos: A mourner may not participate in Hakafos Sheniyos in the event that music is playing. If no music is playing, he may participate with an escort, as stated above.

Q&A on Purim

May a mourner who is a musician play music at a Purim party on Purim?[497]

Yes. He may play music in order to help others rejoice on Purim. This allowance especially applies by a Seudas Mitzvah. However, this is only allowed if the mourner is not within Shiva. Likewise, if a person is a mourner on his father or mother it is only allowed if he is not within the Shloshim.

 

Q&A on Lag Baomer[498]

May an Avel participate in singing and dancing on Lag Baomer?

No.

May an Avel join a Tahalucha for Lag Baomer if there will be music?[499]

Yes. However, he may not participate in a concert or in the dancing.

May an Avel go to Meron on Lag Baomer?[500]

Yes. However, he may not participate in a concert, or in the dancing.

May an Avel join a wedding on Lag Baomer?[501]

Some Poskim[502] rule an Avel may join a wedding on Lag Baomer.[503] Practically, relatives of the Chasan and Kallah may be lenient in a case that the Chasan and Kallah will be pained by their absence.

17. Getting married During Shloshim:[504]

Engagement:[505] It is permitted for a man who is an Avel to become engaged [i.e. Meshudeches/Tannaim/Kinyan] to a woman during Shiva/Shloshim. One however may not perform Eirusin/Kiddushin during Shloshim.[506] [The same applies to a woman who is an Avel. One may have a Lechayim/Vort for the occasion and serve light refreshments[507], although a meal may not be served.[508]]

Wedding/Marriage:[509] It is forbidden for an Avel to marry a woman [or a female Avel to marry a man[510]] during Shloshim. This applies even if a meal will not be taking place by the wedding.[511] This applies even if the wedding date has already been set and delaying the date will cause a great loss.[512] [Regarding marrying after Shloshim-See Chapter 23 Halacha 15.] There is however a number of cases of exceptions in which one may marry even within Shloshim, as will be explained. These exceptions apply equally to a widower who desires to remarry after the passing of his wife, as explained in Chapter 23 Halacha 15.

Chasan did not yet fulfill Peru Urevu:[513] If a male Avel has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu [i.e. one male and one female child[514]] then he may marry a woman even during Shloshim, and may also consummate the marriage with Tashmish.[515] [This applies even if he or she was previously married, Zivug Sheiyni, so long as he does not have a male and female child.] This applies even for one who is an Avel for the passing of his father or mother.[516] [Nevertheless, if the wedding date was not set prior to the Shiva, he is not initially to set it up now for during the Shloshim.[517]] However, a female Avel may not marry during Shloshim even if she does not have any children and has never yet been married, and even if her Chasan has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu.[518] [However some Poskim[519] are lenient in this matter to allow her to marry during Shloshim if her Chasan did not fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and she was engaged to her Chasan prior to the start of Aveilus. The leniency of this opinion applies even if a wedding date was not yet set and there is no loss involved in delaying the wedding. If, however, the wedding date was already set before the Shiva and delaying it will cause a loss, then according to all she may get married during Shloshim, as explained next!]

Avel has small children or needs someone to serve him:[520] If a male Avel has small children, or needs someone to assist him[521], then he may marry her after Shiva[522], within Shloshim, although he may not consummate the marriage with marital relations until after the Shloshim. [However, a female Avel may not marry within Shloshim even if she has small children and desires someone to assist her. Some Poskim[523] however rule that if the Chasan has small children or requires someone to serve him than she may marry him within her Shloshim.]  

Male Avel whose wedding date was already set:[524] There is no extra leniency given to an Avel to marry during Shloshim simply to prevent loss of money that will be incurred if the wedding is delayed. Thus, if the Avel already fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu [as commonly occurs by Zivug Sheiynis] then the wedding must be postponed even if it was previously set for the time of the Shloshim and doing so will incur a loss. If, however, he did not yet fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, then he may marry during Shloshim, irrelevant of whether a loss will occur if he delays the wedding.[525]

Female Avel whose wedding date was already set:[526] A woman in Aveilus may not marry during Shloshim even if she does not have any children and has never yet been married, and even if her Chasan has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu.[527] This applies even if she became engaged to him prior to the death. If, however, the needs of the Chuppah have already been prepared prior to the death [and delaying the wedding will cause a loss[528]], then if the Chasan has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, he may marry her and have marital relations after Shiva, during Shloshim. [Thus, three conditions must be fulfilled to allow a female Avel to marry during Shloshim: 1) She was engaged before the death; 2) The needs of the Chuppah were already prepared and will cause a loss if delayed; 3) the Chasan has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu.[529]]

Widower marrying sister of wife:[530] A widower who has small children may marry his wife’s sister after the Shiva, during the Shloshim.[531] They however may not have marital relations until after the Shloshim [even if a Yom Tov passes in-between[532]], unless he has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, in which case they may have marital relations within the Shloshim.[533]

Widow remarrying: A widow may not remarry after the Shloshim until a certain period of time passes, just as is the law regarding a divorcee. See Chapter 23 Halacha 15.

Transgressed and married within Shloshim:[534] A male or female Avel who transgressed and got married during Shloshim may not have marital relations until after the Shloshim.

 

 

Summary:

It is permitted to become engaged [i.e. Meshudeches/Tannaim/Kinyan] during Shloshim. It is forbidden to get married during Shloshim even in a case of loss, unless one of the following exceptions apply:

1. Avel did not fulfill Peru Urevu: If a male Avel has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu he may marry a woman and have Tashmish even during Shloshim. [Nevertheless, if the wedding date was not set prior to the Shiva, he is not initially to set it up now for during the Shloshim.] However, a female Avel may not marry during Shloshim with exception to the case explained below in which her Chasan did not yet fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu!

2. Chasan of female Avel did not fulfill Peru Urevu: Three conditions must be fulfilled to allow a female Avel to marry during Shloshim: 1) She was engaged before the death; 2) The needs of the Chuppah were already prepared, and will cause a loss if delayed; 3) the Chasan has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu. Some Poskim however are lenient to allow her to marry during Shloshim even if a loss will not be caused due to delay, so long as condition 1 and 3 are fulfilled.

3. Avel has small children, or needs someone to serve him: If a male Avel has small children, or needs someone to assist him, then he may marry her after Shiva, within Shloshim, although he may not consummate the marriage with marital relations until after the Shloshim. [However, a female Avel may not marry within Shloshim even if she has small children and desires someone to assist her.]  

 

Q&A

May an Avel get married after a holiday within Shloshim?[535]

Yes. A holiday nullifies all matters of Shloshim, including the prohibition of marriage. [See, however, Chapter 23 Halacha 15 regarding a widow and widower.]

May one remarry his divorcee during Shloshim?

Some Poskim[536] rule it is permitted to do so, so long as a festive meal is not held for the occasion.

If after the wedding, but prior to marital relations, the husband or wife entered into Aveilus, may they have marital relations during Shloshim?[537]

Yes. They may have marital relations during Shloshim, but after the Shiva.

When getting married during Shloshim, how is the remainder of Shloshim calculated?[538] 

The Shloshim is not nullified due to the wedding and Sheva Brachos. All the days of Sheva Brachos count as part of the Shloshim for all matters. Thus, if the Avel got married on the 15th day of Shloshim, then the seven days of Sheva Brachos count for seven days, and he must keep seven more days after the Sheva Brachos.

When getting married during the Aveilus period, may the Chasan or Kallah bathe, wear fresh clothing, shave, and get a haircut, in honor of his wedding?

A Chasan and Kallah who are in Aveilus and are getting married [i.e. after Shloshim, or within Shloshim but did not fulfill Peru Urevu] may bathe, do laundry and wear fresh clothing in honor of the wedding.[539] The Chasan may also get a haircut and cut his nails on the day of the wedding.[540] If, however, both the Chasan and Kallah are Aveilim, then he may not get a haircut.[541]

When an Avel is getting married during the Aveilus period, may music be played at the wedding?[542]

Yes.[543]

18. Working or conducting business:

Diminishing business related work: After the conclusion of Shiva, starting from the morning of the 7th day, the mourner may perform Melacha and work his business.  Nevertheless, some Poskim[544] rule that throughout the Shloshim, an Avel for a parent is to diminish in the work he does, even in a case of loss. However, an Avel for another relative may perform all work he desires, and it is left to his discretion whether to diminish in work or not.

Traveling for business:[545] Throughout the Shloshim, it is forbidden for an Avel to travel afar with merchandise for purposes of business. [546] This applies for all Aveilim.

19. Trips, vacations, plays, shows:[547]

It is forbidden for an Avel to participate in plays, comedy events, trips and vacations throughout the period of Aveilus. The main prohibition against taking trips applies against going with a group of friends and the like, in which case there is much joy involved.

 

Q&A

May an Avel travel to Kivrei Tzadikim with a group tour?[548]

Yes. He however may not participate in other outings that they may be going to.

May an Avel take his class of students on a trip?[549]

Yes

May an Avel work as a tour guide? [550]

Yes.

 

May one go to the beach during Aveilus?

Yes.

May an Avel travel to visit family?

Yes.

May an Avel go on vacation?

One may go to a hotel for vacation so as long as he is not going with a group and will not be participating in special outings of joy.

 

20. Housework:[551]

It is permitted for an Avel to perform housework throughout the Shiva and Shloshim.[552] This allowance includes: cleaning the home and sweeping and mopping the floor.[553]

21. Saying Hakam upon mentioning the name of the deceased:[554]

Regarding saying Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo upon mentioning one’s deceased parent-see Chapter 27 Halacha 18!

22. The day of the Shloshim

A. Ending Aveilus:[555]

As soon as sunrise arrives on the thirtieth day from burial, the mourning restriction of Shloshim cease from the Avel and it is now permitted for him to perform these previously restricted actions. It is not necessary to wait until the conclusion of the thirtieth day.[556] [The lesser restrictions of 12 months now take effect for those in mourning over the loss of a parent, and whatever is permitted and forbidden during the 12 months is permitted and forbidden from sunrise of the thirtieth day until the end of the 12 months.[557] For all other relatives of the deceased, the mourning period entirely ends after sunrise of the thirtieth day and there are no more restriction which carry over. See Chapter 23 Halacha 1 for the full details of this matter!]

Cutting hair: Based on the above, after sunrise of the 30th day, relatives of the deceased, other than his children, may get a haircut.

End of Shloshim falls on Shabbos:[558] In the event that the Shloshim falls on Shabbos, and the 29th day is on Erev Shabbos, it is permitted to bathe on Erev Shabbos in honor of Shabbos.[559] The same applies towards any Shloshim restriction that is merely based on custom, that it may be ceased in honor of Shabbos. [However, those restrictions that are forbidden from the letter of the law, such as taking a haircut, remain in place even on Erev Shabbos, even for relatives that are not the children of the deceased.[560] Likewise, it is forbidden to cut the nails that day.[561]]

B. The Shloshim Ceremony:[562]

It is customary for the family and friends of the deceased to have a ceremony on the day of Shloshim in commemoration of the deceased and for the benefit of his soul.[563] As stated above, the Shloshim is calculated as the 30th day from the burial.[564] Traditionally, families gather on the eve of the Shloshim to hold the ceremony. Speeches are given commemorating the life and positive activities of the deceased. Many make a Siyum, celebrating the completion of the Mishnayos studied to merit the soul of the deceased. It is common for a meal to be served on the occasion. However, the Aveilim may only participate in the public Shloshim meal, if the conditions brought in Halacha 15M in Q&A are fulfilled [i.e. Avel makes a Siyum, or is Mishameish by meal, or the meal takes place in his house].

The following is done in the merit of the deceased on the day of the Shloshim:

C. Learning Torah:[565]

On the day of Shloshim, it is proper to increase in Torah learning on behalf of elevating the soul of the deceased.

D. Charity:[566]

On the day of Shloshim, it is proper to increase in charity on behalf of elevating the soul of the deceased.

E. Precedence for being Chazan:

The custom of reciting Kaddish Yasom and leading the prayers as Chazan is especially applicable on the day of Shloshim.

F. Aliyah to the Torah:

Some are accustomed to give an Aliyah to the relatives of the deceased on the day of the Shloshim, if it is a day of Torah reading.[567] The Chabad custom is for the Avel to endeavor to receive an Aliyah to the Torah by all days that it is read, as explained in Chapter 24 Halacha 7A. Certainly this would apply on the day of Shloshim.

G. Visiting the cemetery:[568]

Some communities are accustomed to go to the cemetery and visit the grave of the deceased on the day of Shloshim. [Others, however, are not accustomed to visit the cemetery at the end of the Shloshim.[569]]

H. Establishing the Matzeiva:

Some are accustomed to have the Matzeiva erected on the day of the Shloshim.[570] Practically, the Chabad custom is to erect the Matzeiva on the 8th day after the burial, which is the day after Shiva.[571] See Chapter 30 Halacha 3 for the full details of this subject!

 

 

When is the ceremony and other customs to be performed if the Shloshim falls on Shabbos?

All the customs that are permitted and feasible to be fulfilled on Shabbos are to be fulfilled on Shabbos while the customs that cannot be fulfilled on Shabbos are to be fulfilled on Erev Shabbos.[572] The customs that are to be fulfilled on Friday include: 1) Giving Tzedaka 2) Visiting the Tziyon and reciting the prayers relevant to the Shloshim that cannot be recited on Shabbos.

Ashkenazim versus Sephardim chart

  Ashkenazim Sephardim
Bathing during Shloshim X
Birchas Aveilim in Birchas Hamazon Not accustomed Accustomed
 
Eating in Shiva home X
  •    
 
Freshly laundered clothing during after Shiva X
  •    
 
Nesias Kapayim for Kohen after Shiva X
  •    
 
Participating in Seudas Mitzvah [not wedding] X
  •    
 
Shul for Torah reading during Shiva X
  •    
 
Switching seats in Shul Accustomed Only some follow
 
Visiting Shiva Home on Shabbos Not accustomed Accustomed
 
Yizkor Accustomed Not accustomed
  • = Permitted, or not guarded  X    = Forbidden, or guarded

______________________________

[1] See Pnei Baruch 31; Nitei Gavriel Volume 2 1-37

[2] Mavor Yabok Sefas Emes 20; Rav Poalim 1:51; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 1:1 footnote 1

[3] Zohar Vayakhel p. 129

[4] Mavor Yabok Sefas Emes 21; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 1:9

[5] See Rav Poalim 1:51; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 1:10

[6] Admur 493:3; Rambam Avel 6:12; Aruch Hashulchan 380:4; See Moed Katan 30b

[7] Michaber 374:4; Shach 340:1

If deceased is Rasha: See Rama 340:5 [no Aveilus for Baal Aveiros]; Shach 340:8 [even Liteiavon]; Pischeiy Teshuvah 340:4 [only if Lehachis]; Nitei Gavriel 53:2

[8] Shach 391:3 and Taz 393:3 “There is no difference during Shloshim between an Avel for a parent and other relatives”

[9] See Michaber 391:2 regarding a Seudas Mereius that an Avel of other relatives has a more lenient law during Shloshim than an Avel of a parent during the 12 months. See Bach brought in Shach ibid; Rav Akiva Eiger 391; Noda Beyehuda Y.D. 100, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:3 and 7

[10] Rama 376:4 in name of Maharil regarding Kaddish; Shach 402:5 and 10 and Nekudos Hakesef 402; regarding a Shemua Kerova; See Taz 402:6 regarding Aveilus [Shiva:Shloshim] and 402:9 regarding the 12 months; Aruch Hashulchan 402:1 and 10; Nitei Gavriel 34:6; Vol. 2 1:2 that so rule all Poskim

[11] Radbaz 268 Chadashos, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 375:5, regarding Shemua Kerova; Pnei Yehoshua Y.D. 2:37; Dvar Moshe 1:7; Chochmas Shlomo 375:1; Chaim Bayad 125:71; Gesher Hachaim 19:4-1; Shevet halevi 6:184; Pnei Baruch 8:10; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 123:13

[12] The reason: As the state of Bein Hashmashos is a Safek, while the laws of mourning are Rabbinical, and Safek Derabanan Lekula. [Poskim ibid]

[13] Pashut; Nitei Gavriel 34:6 in name of Poskim in footnote 9; Regarding however a Shemua Kerova-See Shach ibid in name of Rashal and Taz ibid to begin the thirty days from the day of death. See however Nekudos Hakesef ibid and Aruch Hashulchan ibid who argue on Rashal

[14] Rama 402:1; Shach 402:5

[15] Rama 376:4; Maharil

[16] Michaber 395:1; Rosh; Rabbeinu Yerucham;

Ending Shloshim after Alos Hashachar: See Nitei Gavriel 1:5 footnote 5 that in a time of need it ends with Also Hashachar.

[17] The reason: As we apply the rule of “Miktzas Hayom Kekulo”, that part of the day is considered like the entire day. [Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid] Although by Shiva one must wait past sunrise, until the comforters leave, since comforters don’t come during Shloshim, it suffices to wait until sunrise. [Shach 395:1] Alternatively, since the laws of Shiva include active [remove sandals etc] and passive acts of mourning [i.e. don’t do], therefore one must perform some acts of the active form of Aveilus for some time into the day, and the Sages established for it to be done until the comforters leave. However, by Shloshim, since there is only passive Aveilus laws applicable, it therefore suffices to wait until sunrise. [Taz 402:5 in explanation of Reb Yichiel, brought in Tur 402]

[18] Rama 400:2; Hagahos Maimanis in name of Maharam

[19] The reason: As since not bathing during Shloshim is a mere custom, therefore one may be lenient in honor of Shabbos. [400:2]

[20] Diggul Merivava 400 based on Tosfos Moed Katan 19; Teshuvah Meahavah 402; Chaim Shoel 2:23; Zera Emes 2:153; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:6 footnote 10

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that relatives of the deceased other than the children may get a haircut in honor of Shabbos, if the 29th day falls on Erev Shabbos. [Teshuas Chein 33, mentioned in Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[21] Panim Meiros 2:148; Gilyon Maharsha 400

[22] See Chapter 26 Halacha 3!

[23] Michaber O.C. 548:8; Y.D. 399:3

[24] The reason: As we say Miktzas Hayom Kekuklo, and it hence counts as both the end of Shiva and the start of Shloshim. [Michaber ibid]

[25] The reason: The reason the Holiday counts towards Shloshim is because the laws of Shloshim, in which laundering, and haircuts are forbidden, applies likewise on Chol Hamoed. Now, although these prohibitions are anyways accustomed on Chol Hamoed irrelevant of the Shloshim, nonetheless, they receive an extra stringency of prohibition due to the Shloshim [as explained next], and therefore count as part of the Shloshim. [Michaber ibid]

[26] Michaber Y.D. 399:2; O.C. 548:1; See Taz 399:2; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 1:3

[27] Michaber O.C. ibid; See Shach 399:6 that all the laws only begin after the burial

[28] Tiferes Limoshe Y.D. 396:1; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 1:6; See Chapter 13 Halacha 9 regarding the law by Shiva!

[29] Michaber 393:2 “The second week, the Avel may leave”

[30] See Rama 381:1; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 Chapter 8

[31] Rama 381:1; Maharam and Hagahos Maimanis; Or Zarua in name of Rashba; Aruch Hashulchan 381:13; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 Chapter 8

[32] Nehar Mitzrayim 144; Michaber omits this stringency and holds that one may bathe after Shiva. This follows the ruling of the Rambam Avel 7:12, as writes the Beis Yosef in 400; However, the Rama ibid records that our custom is to be stringent. [See Rama ibid and O.C. 548:8; Levushei Serud ibid] See, however, Beis David 183 that the custom [even of Sephardim] is like the Rama ibid. See Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 1

[33] The reason: Some [Or Zarua ibid] explain the reason is because bathing during Shloshim may lead to combing of the hair which [according to some opinions] is forbidden. Practically, we rule an Avel may comb his hair even during Shiva [390:6], and hence this reason does not suffice to explain why even today we avoid bathing during Shloshim. Others [Rashal] explain the reason is because it is customary to cut hair in a bathhouse, and it is forbidden to cut hair during Shloshim. Therefore, the custom became to prohibit bathing lest one come to cut hair. [Taz 381:1]  

During Sefiras Haomer: The above accustomed prohibition of bathing applies even during Sefiras Haomer, even though it is in any event forbidden to get a haircut. [See Tuv Taam Vadaas 3:228; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:11]

Regarding a steam room: See Aruch Hashulchan 381:4 [who permits] and Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:9

[34] Lit. “Vasikin”

[35] See Rama 381:5 that it applies equally to women

[36] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:3

[37] Shach 381:1 in the simple understanding [and so is understood to be the Shach’s opinion by some of the Poskim brought in next footnote]; Elya Raba 548:9 and 606:14; Daas Torah 381:1; Daas Kedoshim 381; Yeshuos Yaakov 551; Shaareiy Teshuvah 548:13 that so is custom; Aruch Hashulchan 381:3; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 8 footnote 3 

[38] Birkeiy Yosef 381:1; Rav Akiva Eiger 381 and Diggul Merivava 381:1 in their understanding of the Shach ibid; Teshuvah Meahava 412 that so is custom; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 346; Teshuas Chein 31 brought in Shaareiy Teshuvah 548:13; Possible implication of Rama 548:8; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 8 footnote 4

[39] Ashel Avraham Butchach 551; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:5

[40] See Darkei Hachaim 11:1; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:4; Rama and Admur 326:1 regarding Shabbos that all limbs of minority of one’s body are included in the allowance: Rama and Admur 326:1

[41] As rules Michaber 381:1 regarding Shiva

[42] See Kitzur SHU”A 209:1; Nitei Gavriel 8:3 footnote 5

The reason: As a) By a dispute in Aveilus we rule leniently, especially when the entire prohibition is based on custom. b) Today it is not common to shower in cold water for pleasure, and on the contrary it is a great annoyance to do so. c) The reasons mentioned behind avoiding bathing during Shloshim does not apply when bathing in cold water.

[43] Michaber 381:1; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:7; See regarding Yom Kippur: Admur 613:1 regarding dirt and 614:1 regarding sweat, that even on Yom Kippur one may bathe to remove sweat and hence certainly it is permitted during the three weeks; M”A 614:1; Elya Raba 614:1 in name of Shibulei Haleket; Mamar Mordechai 614:1 in name of Rabbeinu Manoach; M”B 613:2; See regarding the three weeks: Aruch Hashulchan 551:37; Igros Moshe Even Haezer 4:84-4; Sheivet Haleivi 7:77; Shearim Hametzuyanim 122:12 [Perhaps this is the Mahadurah Basra]; Piskeiy Teshuvos 551:48; Rav Eli Landa related to me that his father, Rav Yaakov Landa, was very lenient regarding showers in Eretz Yisrael and other hot climates, for purposes of cleanliness. However, one should try to use only warm water; See however Orchos Rabbeinu 2:133 in name of Chazon Ish who forbade showering even due to sweat.

See Admur 614:1; M”A 614:1;

[44] See Admur and M”A ibid; Nitei Gavriel ibid

[45] Nitei Gavriel ibid

[46] Nitei Gavriel ibid

[47] Michaber 381:3 regarding an Istanis, and today who is not considered an Istanis regarding bathing, especially in the summer; Nitei Gavriel 8:10

[48] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:10

[49] Taz 381:2 in name of Rashal in name of Maharam; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:10

[50] Rav Akiva Eiger 390; Chasam Sofer 348; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:11

[51] Michaber 381:3; Rosh Moed Katan

[52] See 382:2 regarding leather shoes; See regarding the three weeks and fast days: Michaber 554:6; M”B 686:4; Kaf Hachaim 686:19; Ashel Avraham Butchach 554 regarding fast days; Nitei Gavriel 105:6 footnote 8

[53] Michaber 381:6 regarding makeup and certainly this applies regarding bathing which is less severe than makeup, as explains Shach 381:4; Chochmas Adam 165:1; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:12-13

[54] Derech Hachaim; Kitzur SHU”A 209:1; See Michaber 381:5; Tur in name of Rabbeinu Tam; Maharik 35; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 9:2

[55] Michaber 381:3; Tosfos Moed Katan

[56] The reason: As this is no worse than an Istanis who is permitted to bath in hot water during Shiva. [Michaber ibid]

[57] Aruch Hashulchan 381:7; See regarding Shiva: Michaber 381:4; Taanis 13a; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:15-16

[58] Rama 400:2; Hagahos Maimanis in name of Maharam

[59] The reason: As since not bathing during Shloshim is a mere custom, therefore one may be lenient in honor of Shabbos. [400:2]

[60] See Birkeiy Yosef 381:1; Aruch Hashulchan 381:5; Daas Kedoshim 381:2; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:2; 8

[61] Daas Torah 381:1; Rama 551:16 regarding the 9 days; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 9:3

[62] Shulchan Gavoa 381; Nitei Gavriel 9:3; Regarding 9 days: Chayeh Adam brought in M”B 551:97; Kaf Hachaim 551:201; Kitzur SHU”A 122:13

Other opinions: The Rama ibid rules one may wash these parts only with cold water. 

[63] Pischeiy Teshuvah 381:2 in name of Teshuas Chein 31; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 9:4

[64] Yosef Daas 381:1; Yad Shaul 381; Daas Torah 381:1; Gesher Hachaim 22:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 9:1 footnote 2-3; So rule regarding nine days: Ashel Avraham Butchach 551; Mishpatecha Leyaakov 40; Shevet Halevi 7:77; Tzitz Eliezer 11:57; Piskeiy Teshuvos 551:48

[65] Poskim ibid; So rule regarding the nine days: Derech Hachaim 7; Kitzur SHU”A 122:13; Kaf Hachaim 551:190; Ashel Avraham Butchach; Sheivet Haleivi 7:77; Tzitz Eliezer 11:57; Orchos Rabbeinu p. 133 in name of Chazon Ish

[66] Nitei Gavriel 9:1 footnote 3; Tosefes Chaim ibid; Kaf Hachaim ibid

[67] Nitei Gavriel 9:1 footnote 3; Tosefes Chaim ibid; Piskeiy Teshuvos 551:48

[68] Poskim ibid; So rule regarding the nine days: M”A 551:41; Shelah p. 200; Elya Raba 551:37; Chayeh Adam 133:19; Derech Hachaim 7; Kitzur SHU”A 122:13; M”B 551:95

[69] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:12; Although the Michaber 381:6 is only lenient for Shidduch aged girls regarding makeup and not bathing, this applies during Shiva while during Shloshim when not bathing is a mere custom, one may be lenient for such a girl

[70] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:14

[71] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:3

[72] Tiferes Lemoshe 381; So rule regarding Shabbos: Beis Meir Y.D. 197:3; Rambam brought in Biur Halacha

[73] See Ashel Avraham Butchach 551 regarding the three weeks; So rule regarding Shabbos: Admur in supplement from Mahadurah Basra chapter 259 Page 884 in the new Shulchan Aruch; Chacham Tzevi 11 which forbids for women to immerse in water on Shabbos that is called hot, rather it must be cold or slightly warm; Nodah Beyehudah Tinyana Orach Chaim 24 that women may bathe in warm Mikvaos but not hot Mikvaos; Aruch Hashulchan 326:3; P”M 511 M”Z 5; Ashel Avraham Butchach 326; Tehila Ledavid 326:3; Minchas Shabbos, brought in Ketzos Hashulchan 133 footnote 1; Shevisas Hashabbos Mivasheil 125; M”B 326:7; Igros Moshe 1:126; SS”K chapter 14 footnote 3; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; Shabbos Kehalacha ibid

[74] As so rules Admur ibid regarding Shabbos, and the same would seemingly apply regarding the laws of bathing; Practically, one may be lenient in a matter of mourning that itself is only a custom.

[75] See Aruch Hashulchan 326:3; Chacham Tzevi 11 who forbids for women to immerse in water on Shabbos that is called hot, rather it must be cold or slightly warm; Zera Emes 71;

[76] Tehila Ledavid 326:3; Ketzos Hashulchan 133 footnote 1 in name of Minchas Shabbos; Minchas Yitzchak 4:44; Or Letziyon 2:35-3; See SS”K chapter 14 footnote 3

[77] Pischeiy Teshuvah 381:2 in name of Teshuas Chein 31; See Kitzur SHU”A 209:1; Nitei Gavriel 8:3

[78] Aruch Hashulchan 381:4; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:17

[79] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:19

[80] See Michaber 381:6; Kesubos 7b; Moed Katan 20b; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 8:18

[81] Shach 381:4 in interpretation of Michaber ibid

The reason: As applying makeup has the same prohibition as bathing. [Michaber ibid]

[82] Michaber ibid

The reason: A married women may wear makeup during Shloshim in order not to be despised by her husband. [Michaber ibid]

[83] Michaber ibid “A Bogeres who is an Avel may apply makeup since she is awaiting marriage”; Practically, a Bogeres today [12.5 years old] is not awaiting marriage and this law is not recorded in other Poskim [see Birkeiy Yosef 381 and Misgeres Hashulchan] and therefore one is to only be lenient in the above case that she is involved in Shidduchim or is engaged. [Nitei Gavriel 105:2; Pnei Baruch 14:7]

[84] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 chapter 10

[85] Michaber 389:1; Michaber 389:7 regarding ironing and certainly the same would apply regarding laundering which is more lenient than ironing; Bach and Perisha 389 that this applies even according to the Riva who forbids wearing freshly laundered clothing during Shloshim; Daas Kedoshim 389; Kerem Shlomo 389; Kitzur SHU”A 211:9; Pnei Baruch 18:8; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:6

Other opinions: Some write that just as according to the Riva an Avel may not wear freshly laundered clothing within Shloshim, and so is the custom, so too he may not launder his clothing within Shloshim. [See Pnei Baruch ibid footnote 14 that Rav SZ”A negated this ruling and that the Bach and Perisha ibid explicitly negates it.]

[86] The prohibition of ironed clothing until after Shloshim is only with regards to wearing them and not with regards to the act of ironing. [Michaber ibid]

[87] See Pnei Baruch 18:8 footnote 15

[88] Daas Torah 389 in name of Imrei Baruch; Daas Kedoshim 389:3

[89] Daas Torah ibid

[90] See Shevet Halevi 6:244; Nitei Gavriel 103:22; Vol. 2 11:2

[91] Rama 389:1

[92] Rama ibid

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is forbidden to wear freshly laundered clothing throughout the Shloshim. [Riva, brought in Shach 389:2] Wearing new white clothing that is freshly laundered: Some Poskim rule that clothing that is laundered with clean water and soap is defined as ironed, and is hence forbidden to be worn throughout the Shloshim if it is white and new, just as we rule regarding ironed clothing. [See Michaber 389:5-6 and 9]

[93] Rama ibid; Riva; Chochmas Adam 165:7; Kitzur SHU”A 211:7

The reason: This is done in order to suspect for the above opinions who rule that the prohibition applies throughout the Shloshim. [Shach 389:2]

[94] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:1 in name of Tiferes Lemoshe

[95]  See Yalkut Yosef Aveilus 17 p. 358

[96] Shach 389:4 “Some amount of time and not specifically an hour and so is the custom”; Ikarei Hadaat 36 Samech; Misgeres Hashulchan 389 that so is custom; Daas Kedoshim 389:3 regarding Shabbos; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:1

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one is to wear it for 2-3 hours. [Levush 389; Rav Poalim 4:29] Others rule one is to wear it for one hour. [Yosef Ometz p. 330; Ben Ish Chaiy Devarim 6; Kaf Hachaim 551:91; Piskeiy Teshuvos 551:17] See Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 4

[97] Rama ibid; Kol Bo; Semak; Kitzur SHU”A 211:9

[98] Shach 389:3; Bach 389

[99] Lechem Hapanim 376; Kerem Shlomo 389; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:5 [However, see there that it must be placed on a dirt floor, and not a tiled clean floor.]

[100] Pnei Baruch 18:9

[101] Shach 389:2 in name of Tosfos; Bach 389; Chochmas Adam 165:20; Kitzur SHU”A 211:7; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:2

[102] Michaber 389:3 and 5; Ramban in Toras Habayis

[103] See Michaber 389:6 and O.C. 551:3 regarding the definition of ironing and that some opinions say that ironing means to launder using earth or soap, while other opinions say it means to iron. See also Shach 389:3 who defines it as ironed with a stone

[104] See Shach 389:3

[105] Some Poskim rule that if someone does Gearah after 30 days he does not need to wait until the holiday, and the intent here is either or. [See Teshuvah Meahavah 1:124 brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:4]

[106] Shiur Gearah in this sense is someone admonishing the Avel for wearing unrepresentable clothing. [Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[107] Michaber 389:8; Tur in name of Ramban in Toras Habayis; Nimukei Yosef

[108] Shach 389:3; Bach 389; Rama 389:1 rules the custom is to be stringent by freshly laundered clothing and hence certainly the prohibition applies by freshly ironed clothing; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:5 that by white freshly ironed clothing which was starched one is not to rely on the custom of placing it on the floor.

[109] See Michaber 389:1 regarding Shiva, and according to the Rama ibid the same would apply regarding Shloshim; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:8

[110] Daas Kedoshim 389:4; Nitei Gavriel ibid

[111] Michaber 389:1 regarding Shiva and Rama ibid that the custom is to prohibit also during Shloshim

[112] Daas Kedoshim 389:4; Nitei Gavriel ibid

[113] See Taz 389:1 in name of Rashal regarding tablecloths; Tur 389; Perisha 389:6; Michaber 551:3 regarding Tishe Beav; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:8

[114] Daas Kedoshim 389; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:1

[115] Divrei Nechemia Y.D. 27 p. 142 “Undergarments which receive sweat are not considered a garment”; Yifei Laleiv 400; Aruch Hashulchan 389:6 regarding after Shiva “People are not careful to give the undergarment to others to wear” and 389:7 regarding undershirt even during Shiva; See Lachmei Todah 30, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:2; Pnei Baruch 18:10; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:3-4; In Vol. 1 111:8 permits socks in a time of need even during Shiva

[116] The reason: As people are repulsed by wearing an undergarment that was worn by another as well as that one changes undergarments due to sweat and filth and not for the sake of pleasure. [Aruch Hashulchan ibid]

[117] Beis David 168; Peri Haretz p. 67; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 10:7

[118] See Michaber 389:2

[119] Rama 551:3 regarding the none days; Shach 381:3; Taz 381:2 in name of Masaas Binyamin, the Taz ibid himself concludes she should wear a clean garment, but not actually white; Gilyon Maharsha 389

[120] Minchas Yitzchak 10:44

[121] Michaber 389:1 and 3; Ramban in Toras Ha’adam

[122] Rama 389:3 in name of Kol Bo and Maharam regarding making new clothing

[123] Kitzur SHU”A 211:10; Chochmas Adam 165:22; Rama ibid rules that the widespread world custom is to forbid freshly laundered clothing during Shloshim and if a mourner may not wear freshly laundered clothing during Shloshim due to the custom, then it goes without saying that a mourner may not wear new clothing. [see Michaber 389:1]; See Panim Meiros 2:122

[124] Rama 389:3 regarding making new clothing and wearing Shabbos clothing; See Teshuvah Meahava 3:413-389; Pnei Baruch 18 footnote 21

[125] Aruch Hashulchan 389:11 [implies even during Shloshim]; Nitei Gavriel 10:13; Pnei Baruch 18:11 in name of Rav SZ”A and Tzitz Eliezer in Ohel Chana that the allowance applies to clothing which absorb sweat.

[126] Beir Hagoleh 389 in name of Kol Bo; Aruch Hashulchan 389:11; Daas Kedoshim 389:5; Kitzur SHU”A 211:10; See Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1051 who was lenient during the 12 months of Aveilus regarding new Shabbos clothing for another to wear it for even a mere moment.

[127] Aruch Hashulchan 389:11

[128] Poskim ibid do not differentiate

[129] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:12 in name of Beis David 389

[130] See Pnei Baruch 18 footnote 21

[131] Implication of Rama ibid; Daas Kedoshim 389:7

[132] Chochmas Shlomo 389

[133] Beir Hagoleh 389 in name of Kol bo

[134] See Nitei Gavriel 2 10:17; Rama 551:7 regarding the nine days

[135] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:20

[136] See Igros Moshe 3:80 regarding three weeks

[137] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:18

[138] No such prohibition is recorded in Poskim; Nitei Gavriel 2 10:32 [However see there footnote 5 for opinion of Rav Moshe Feinstein who is stringent]

[139] No such prohibition is recorded in Poskim; Pnei Baruch 18:12; Nitei Gavriel 2 13:5 based on Leket Yosher and Levushei Mordechai 3:184 regarding week of Tishe Beav

[140] No such prohibition is recorded in Poskim; Daas Kedoshim 389 that only applies by Shiva; Pnei Baruch 18:12; Nitei Gavriel 2 13:4 [However see there footnote 5 for opinion of Rav Moshe Feinstein who is stringent]

[141] No such prohibition is recorded in Poskim; Nitei Gavriel 2 13:3 in name of Poskim [However see there footnote 4 for opinion of Rav Moshe Feinstein who is stringent]

[142] Rama 389:3; See Divrei Nechemia Y.D. 27 for a thorough analysis regarding: 1) Is wearing Shabbos clothing forbidden from the letter of the law or just a custom; 2) Is there a difference between Shiva and Shloshim; 3) Is the prohibition and custom only during the week or even on Shabbos.

[143] Rama ibid in name of Yeish Omrim; Maharil brought in Beis Yosef 391; Rivash 67; See Divrei Nechemia ibid that a) during Shiva this prohibition applies according to all; b) After Shiva it is a dispute between the Maharil and Maharam; c) There is no source for this prohibition in Rishonim

[144] Regarding after Shloshim-See Chapter 23 Halacha 12D

[145] Rama 400:2; Darkei Hachaim 3; Chochmas Adam 165:22; Kitzur SHU”A 211:10; See Divrei Nechemia ibid that during the weekdays of Shiva this is a prohibition applies according to all, and the custom to be stringent is only with regards to Shloshim; See Panim Meiros 2:123 and 132 for cases of exception, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:1

[146] Implication of Rama 400:2 and 389:3; Kitzur SHU”A ibid; Daas Kedoshim 389; See Divrei Nechemia ibid that from the letter of the law it is not forbidden to wear Shabbos clothing on Shabbos even during Shiva, even according to the Rama, however the custom of people became to not wear it even on Shabbos, and doing so is not considered public Aveilus as explained there; See Nitei Gavriel 10 footnote 35

[147] Radbaz 2:693 [forbidden to wear weekday clothing]; M”A 262:2 in name of Arizal [See Machatzis Hashekel there, although see Divrei Nechemia who negates his explanation]; Maaseh Rav 193; Birkeiy Yosef 400; Rashal 106, brought in Gilyon Maharasha regarding a freshly laundered undershirt; Daas Kedoshim 389:8 that even the Rama only intended to prohibit during the week; Divrei Malkiel 2:91; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 2 10 footnote 37

[148] The reason: As it is considered public Aveilus. [See Divrei Nechemia ibid]

[149] Divrei Nechemia ibid “In previous generations people were stringent, however today many people, amongst them great Sages are lenient, and on the contrary are stringent not to make any difference between this Shabbos and any other Shabbos of the year”; Aruch Hashulchan 389:11 “For already 100 years the Gedolei Hador are not pleased with allowing one to walk with weekday clothing on Shabbos”; Pnei Baruch 23:4; Nitei Gavriel 2 10:23; See Likkutei Sichos 4:1091

[150] See M”A 548:5 [implies not to wear]; Nitei Gavriel 2 10:25 footnote 39 [may wear]

[151] See Nitei Gavriel 2 10:26 footnote 40

[152] Daas Torah 389 in name of Pnei Yehoshua regarding undershirt; Pnei Baruch 23:4

[153] Daas Torah 389 in name of Pnei Yehoshua; Pnei Baruch ibid

[154] Rama 391:1; Maharil; Shevus Yaakov 2:102 regarding Pidyon haben; See Noda Beyehuda Tinyana Y.D. 213 who questions this ruling although concludes to follow Rama, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:6

[155] See Divrei Nechemia 27

[156] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:33 in name of Tuv Taam Vedaas 3:218

[157] Shevus Yaakov 2:102; Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:3

[158] Nitei Gavriel 2 10:21

[159] See Panim Meiros 2:123, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:3 that a woman after birth may wear Shabbos clothing as it is her day of Yom Tov.

[160] Shulchan Aruch 390:1-7; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 chapter 3

[161] Michaber 380:1 and 390:1; Moed Katan 14a and 19b

The reason: This is learned from the verse that states regarding the children of Aaron “The hair of your head do not cut.” [Moed Katan ibid; Beir Hagoleh]

Biblical or Rabbinical: Some Poskim learn that this prohibition is Biblical. [Raavad, brought in Ramban and Rosh] Other Poskim however rule it is only Rabbinical. [Ramban and Rosh ibid]

[162] Michaber ibid and ibid; See Beis Yosef 390; Rav Akiva Eiger 390 in name of Elya Raba; Kitzur SHU”A 211:12; Maharshag 2:214; Peri Hasadeh 2:24; Mishmeres Shalom Gimmel 50

[163] Michaber 390:1; Moed Katan 18b; Chochmas Adam 165L26; Kitzur SHU”A 211:12

[164] Some Poskim rule it is forbidden for men to trim the hair of the pubic area throughout the year. [See Tzemach Tzedek Y.D. 93] According to all opinions, it is forbidden to be shaved off. [See Michaber 182:1]

[165] Yosef Daas 390; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:27

[166] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:29 in name of Rav SZ”A and Rav Wozner, however Rav Moshe Feinstein is quoted to forbid it

[167] Michaber 390:1

[168] Chasam Sofer 347; Nodah Beyehuda O.C. 14; Pischeiy Teshuvah 390:4; Maharam Shick 371; Darkei Hachaim 13:4; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 4:7

[169] Michaber 390:1; Maharitz Geios brought in Tur 390; Ramban; Chochmas Adam 165:25; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:28

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one may not trim mustache hair even after Shiva, within Shloshim, even if it interferes with the food. [Rambam and Raavad, brought in Shach 390:1 and Beir Hagoleh ibid; Beis Yosef 390 rules like Rambam and Rif and the Shach and Beir Hagoleh ibid thus question why in the Shulchan Aruch he ruled differently; See also Ateres Zekeinim O.C. 551:13]

[170] The Michaber ibid states “the Safam or sides” this refers to the mustache in total, as the Safam refers to the hair that grows directly above the lips while the sides refer to the mustache hair that grows to the side of the lips. [Beis Yosef 390 in name of Ramban; Pnei Baruch 19 footnote  4]

[171] 390:5; brought also in Taz 390:1; Shach 3902

[172] Michaber 390:5; Rif; Rambam; Braisa in Avel Rabasi

[173] Opinion in Rama ibid; Rav Mendel in Amudei Goleh; Ramban; See Panim Meiros 3:37

[174] Rama ibid

[175] Michaber 390:2

[176] Implication of Michaber ibid “sat for a haircut”; Rav Akiva Eiger ibid; Nitei Gavriel 110:5; However, see Aruch Hashulchan 390 who leaves this matter in question

[177] Diggul Merivava 400 based on Tosfos Moed Katan 19; Teshuvah Meahavah 402; Chaim Sheol 2:23; Zera Emes 2:153; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:6 footnote 10

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that relatives of the deceased other than the children may get a haircut in honor of Shabbos, if the 29th day falls on Erev Shabbos. [Teshuas Chein 33, mentioned in Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[178] Rama 390:4; Michaber O.C. 548:9; Y.D. 399:4; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:7; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:4 and 6 for leniencies regarding Erev Rosh Hashanah and Erev Pesach

If one is a Kohen with long hair: See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:3

[179] Shach 390:2 in name of Bach; Panim Meiros 3:37; Chochmas Adam 165:28; Nitei Gavriel 3:18

[180] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:18-19

[181] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:30 based on Michaber 381:6 who permits makeup for a married woman during Shloshim; Taharas Mayim Shiyurei Taharah 54; Regarding the three weeks see: Piskeiy Teshuvos 551:43; Halichos Beisa 25 footnote 70 in name of Rav SZ”A; Nitei Gavriel 21:3-4 in name of Poskim

[182] This includes the legs and for a married woman includes other private areas that are normally shaved for their husbands. [Nitei Gavriel 3:30]

[183] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:16

[184] See M”A 75:3

[185] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:31

[186] Noda Beyehuda Tinyana 14:213, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 390:1; Many Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:15

The law of a Chasan who is getting married: See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 5:14

[187] See Rama 390:4 regarding leniency of year; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:11 regarding leniency of after Shiva.

[188] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:13 based on Tosfos Moed Katan 19b that it is permitted to cut the hair for medical reasons, such as due to lice.

[189] Shevet Halevi Y.D. 213; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:17

[190] Michaber 390:7; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 chapter 7

[191] The reason: Just as it is forbidden for an Avel to cut his hair during the Shloshim so too it is forbidden for him to cut his nails during the Shloshim. [Michaber ibid]

[192] Moed Katan 18a; Beir Hagoleh ibid

[193] Michaber ibid regarding Mikveh

Why by cutting hair are we more lenient for women: See Beir Hagoleh ibid regarding why cutting hair is are more lenient for women than cutting nails. See Nodah Beyehuda 99 [brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 390] who questions this answer of the Beir Hagoleh; See Taz 3909:2 who questions the Michaber on this and uses this to rule that in truth a woman may cut her nails regularly for Mikveh; See Shach 390 in Nekudos Hakesef who answers the question of the Taz ibid saying that haircutting cannot be done without a Shinuiy while nail cutting can.

[194] Birkeiy Yosef 390:6

[195] Nitei Gavriel 7:1

[196] Michaber ibid

[197] Michaber ibid; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:10

[198] The reason: As doing so does not completely remove the nail. [Michaber ibid]

[199] Shach 390:4; Implication of Michaber ibid

The reason: As having a Jewish woman cut it is considered Lifnei Iver, as she is also commanded not to cut the nails of an Avel. However, a gentile is not commanded against cutting the nails of an Avel and asking her to do so is merely a Shevus of Amira Lenachri, and the Sages permitted Amira Lenachri in a case of a Mitzvah. [Shach ibid]

[200] Rama ibid; Chochmas Adam 165:30 and Kitzur SHU”A 211:13 permit in a time of need

[201] The reason: As the main idea is that the nails be removed with a Shinuiy, and this is accomplished by having another woman remove them irrelevant of her Jewishness. [Taz 390:2]

[202] Taz 390:2 “We have not seen women accustomed to cut their nails through others within the Shloshim”; See Nodah Beyehuda 99, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 390; See Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 19 footnote 21 and Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:10 footnote 15 that the custom is like Taz

[203] The reason: As a) Women may cut their hair after Shiva according to the Michaber and why should nails be any different? [Taz ibid; See Beir Hagoleh ibid; Nodah Beyehuda 99, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 390] B) Even according to the Rama who prohibits women from cutting hair during Shloshim, a Mohel may cut his nails for the sake of a Bris [Rama 393:2], and why should this case of a need of a Mitzvah be any different [Taz ibid] The Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 390 explains that these reasons are not correct and in truth she may only cut her nails through a Gentile woman.

[204] Chochmas Adam 165:30; Aruch Hashulchan 390:6; Daas Torah 390 in name of Ikarei Daat 36:55, in name of Chaim Sheol 1:2; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 19 footnote 21 and Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:10 that the custom is like the Taz ibid for her to cut the nails herself

[205] Rama 393:3 regarding Shiva if there is no other Mohel available; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:11

[206] See Nekudos Hakesef 390 that this applies only to the two side fingers near the thumb which are used for the Mila

[207] Panim Meiros 3:57; Pischeiy Teshuvah 393:4

[208] Rama ibid regarding Shiva; Elya Raba 551:28; Rav Akiva Eiger 393; Gilyon Maharsha 393; Kitzur SHU”A 211:13

[209] P”M 551 M”Z 13; Bigdei Yesha 551

[210] Panim Meiros 2:148; Gilyon Maharsha 400

[211] Daas Torah 390 in name of Shvus Yaakov 3:100; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:4

[212] Daas Torah 390:7; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:5

[213] Daas Torah 390:6; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:13

[214] Zera Emes 2:153; Misgeres Hashulchan 390; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:6

[215] Panim Meiros 2:148; Pischeiy Teshuvah 390:5; Sefer Haparnes 220

[216] Nitei Gavriel 2 7:7 in name of Mateh Ephraim 625:13; Devar Moshe 3:21; Daas Kedoshim 399:4

[217] Sdei Chemed 64; Pnei Baruch 19:8; Nitei Gavriel 124:11; 2 7:8

[218] Poskim in Sdei Chemed 64; Pnei Baruch 19:8; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 7:9

[219] Ben Ish Chaiy Devarim 13

[220] Michaber 385:1; Moed Katan 15a

[221] The reason: As they are found in a peaceful state. [Michaber ibid]

[222] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid

[223] The reason: As he is not found in a peaceful state.

[224] Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:4

[225] See Rama ibid regarding 12 months [brought next] and Aruch Hashulchan 384:1 that people are lenient even within Shloshim; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:6

[226] Michaber 385:2; Moed Katan 21b; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 11:1-2; See there footnote 1 that it is unclear if the intent of this Halacha is to say that one fulfills the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim even after Shloshim or 12 months, and if the regulated comforting is an obligation or not.

[227] Aruch Hashulchan 385:3

[228] Aruch Hashulchan 385:3; However, see Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 3 that seemingly the Aruch Hashulchan’s ruling refers only to other relatives after Shloshim, while an Avel for a parent is comforted with Tisnachem after 12 months.

[229] Rama 385:3 regarding Avel for parent; Maharil 31; Kitzur SHU”A 212:2 adds all Aveilim for Shloshim; Nitei Gavriel 14:9

[230] See Admur 306:15; M”B 306:33

[231] There is no source in Poskim to prohibit an Avel from sending gifts, other than during Shiva. Likewise the law of sending gifts is dependent on the law of Sheilas Shalom and hence just like an Avel may ask others Shalom after Shiva, so too regarding gifts, and so is ruled in Michaber O.C. 696:6 and Yoreh Deah 401:7 that a mourner is obligated ins ending Mishloach Manos even though others may not send him

[232] Nitei Gavriel 14:10 based on the ruling regarding Mishloach Manos as rules M”A 696:11; Maharil; Sefer Chassidim 713; Mateh Moshe ibid; Chayeh Adam 155:37; Derech Hachaim 3; M”B 696:18; Kaf Hachaim 696:33

[233] See Nitei Gavriel 14:12

[234] Pashut, as doing so is Tzedaka and not a present of Sheilas Shalom

[235] See Nitei Gavriel 14:13

[236] Ksav Sofer 141

[237] The reason: As the prohibition is only on the person sending the present and not on the mourner to accept, as once the person offers the present, the prohibition of asking Shalom has been done. [ibid]

[238] 391; See Pnei Baruch 20; Nitei Gavriel 2 16-34; Introduction to volume 2 that there is much confusion in these laws and many rule to themselves Lihakel or Lihachmir without any sources or Shimush Chachamim; See there for the rules and guidelines of when one may be lenient and on what basis. This has been recorded throughout the Sefer,

[239] 391:2; See Admur 128:55

[240] See Aruch Hashulchan 391:7-10 for a general overview of the opinions in Rishonim regarding the meals under the prohibition. Some Rishonim rule that only a Seudas Reshus is forbidden while a Seudas Mitzvah is permitted. [Semag Aveilus and Rabbeinu Tam; Riy; Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid, mentioned there; 1st opinion in Rama 391:2; See Aruch Hashulchan 391:7] Others rule on the contrary that only a Seudas Mitzvah is forbidden. [Raavad; 2nd opinion in Rama ibid; See Aruch Hashulchan 391:10]

[241] Michaber 391:2 regarding Simchas Mereios; Shach 391:1 “This is a meal that friends make together in which they eat and drink together”; See Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 27; See previous footnote

[242] Rama 391:2; Tur in name of Raavad; Admur 128:55

[243] Shach 391:3

[244] Rama 391:2

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardim are accustomed to attend any Seudas Mitzvah that does not involve Simcha, even during Shloshim. [Birkeiy Yosef 391:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 31:1]

[245] 1st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251

[246] 2nd opinion in Rama ibid; Mordechai

[247] Taz 391:2; Shach 391:3; Sheilas Yaavetz 180

An Avel for a married sister and other Rabbinical Aveilim: Some Poskim rule that an Avel over a married sister may participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha even during the Shloshim. This leniency applies to all Aveilim of relatives whose Shiva is merely Rabbinical. [Sheilas Yaavetz 2:181; Darkei Hachaim 14:2; Nitei Gavriel 23:23 and Poskim in footnote 34 and 32:8 in name of Gur Aryeh 34 and Daas Torah 391] Other Poskim negate this conclusion. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:2; Taz and Shach ibid make no mention of any differentiation]

[248] Meaning, within Shloshim for Aveilim of all relatives [Taz ibid; Shach ibid], and within 12 months for an Avel over a parent. [Rama ibid]

[249] Rama ibid; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12; Even those Poskim who are lenient by a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha [see Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2] are only lenient after Shloshim!

[250] Taz ibid; Rama ibid does not differentiate between the Shloshim and the remaining months.

[251] Rama 391:2; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12

[252] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10; The other Poskim who say the custom is to be lenient against the Rama [see Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; See Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119 regarding a Siyum Misechta] are only lenient after the Shloshim. However, they do not negate being lenient in a time of great need. Regarding the custom of the Sephardim, see above in Birkeiy Yosef 391:2 that they are lenient even during Shloshim.

The reason: As in a time of necessity one may be lenient in Aveilus like the lenient opinion in Rama ibid. [ibid]

[253] Rama 391:2

[254] Bach brought in Shach 391:3; Rav Akiva Eiger 391; Noda Beyehuda Y.D. 100, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:3 and 7

[255] Implication of Rama 391:2; Shach 391:3 and Taz 391:3 “There is no difference during Shloshim between an Avel for a parent and other relatives”; Levush; Raavad, brought in Toras Hadam

[256] Aruch Hashulchan 391:5; Zera Emes 3:169; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:20 footnote 49

[257] Nitei Gavriel 20:10 footnote 29

[258] Taz 385:1; Bach 385 in name of Rabbeinu Yehuda; Kitzur SHU”A 212:2; See Pnei Baruch 31 footnote 13 in name of Gesher Hachaim and Nitei Gavriel 33:4 footnote 8 and 33:7 footnote 13 for an analysis on this ruling and the fact it is omitted in other Poskim

[259] Vetzaruch Iyun from the fact that we permit participating in a meal that is taking place in one’s home, and hence why is one not allowed to invite guests to a meal in his home. However, seemingly there is a difference between a Seudas Mitzvah taking place in one’s home versus a Seudas Reshus, and a Seuda made by others in his home versus a Seuda that he is arranging. Vetzaruch Iyun.

[260] Beir Heiytiv 385:2 in name of Darkei Moshe

[261] Sheilas Yaavetz 2:180; Pnei Baruch 20:15; Nitei Gavriel 28:8

[262] Rama 391:2; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12

[263] The reason: As one is not required to leave his home because of a Simcha taking place there.

[264] See Aruch Hashulchan 391:10

[265] The leniencies associated with relatives attending Simchas during Aveilus is based on two leniencies found in the Rama; 1) One may waiter at a Simcha, although may not eat at the meal. [Rama 391:3] 2) If the Simcha will be damaged if one does not attend, he may participate even in the meal. [Rama 391:2 regarding Yesoma] Depending on the relation, at times the second leniency applies [parents and grandparents] and at times it is debatable if the second leniency applies or if only the first leniency applies [siblings] and at times only the first leniency applies [other relatives] and at times no leniency apply. [not a relative]. The first recording of an allowance for relatives is brought in the Maharashdam 202; See Nitei Gavriel 16 footnote 10 and in his introduction for a lengthy discussion on this topic

[266] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413; Nitei Gavriel 23:28

[267] Adnei Paz 10, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:4; Yad Halevi 230-2; Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Igros Moshe 3:161; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 32; Nitei Gavriel 26:2 regarding Bar Mitzvah

[268] Sheilas Yaavetz 2:180; Gr”a Margoliyos 23; Ikarei Hadat 38:47; Daas Torah 391; Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 32; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 28 footnote 1

[269] See Sheilas Yaavetz ibid

[270] The reason: As the custom of the Rama to not participate in a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha does not apply on Shabbos. [Sheilas Yaavetz ibid]

[271] See Admur 128:55 regarding Yom Tov

[272] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413; Nitei Gavriel 23:28; 28:10; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 287:5

[273] See Nitei Gavriel 117:3; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 287:5

[274] The reason: As otherwise this is considered showing public mourning on Shabbos. [ibid]

[275] Beir Heiytiv 385:2 in name of Darkei Moshe; Sheilas Yaavetz 2:180; Pnei Baruch 20:15; Nitei Gavriel 28:8

[276] Nitei Gavriel 28:32, Vetzaruch Iyun on his Heter as certainly this meal involves Seudas Mereius, and even if it is similar to a mere Farbrengen, even that requires Shimush or some level of Heter to participate.; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 287 footnote 65 who is completely lenient, Vetzaruch Iyun Gadol!

[277] See Nitei Gavriel 33:5 in name of Igros Moshe

[278] Nitei Gavriel 33:6 in name of Igros Moshe

[279] Nitei Gavriel 33:6 in name of Daas Kedoshim 391

[280] See Zera Emes 3:172; Tosfos Moed Katan 22b; Beis Shearim Y.D. 446; See Nitei Gavriel 16:3 and 23:8-9 footnotes 14-16

Tasting a little food: See Nitei Gavriel ibid who permits him to taste a little food based on M”A 551:10, however in my opinion this is incorrect as the Rama 391:2 writes “not to enter the meal” and the M”A ibid is discussing when there is no meal taking place but rather light refreshments.

[281] Nitei Gavriel 23:27

[282] See Chochmas Adam 166:2 that by a Seudas Yesoma they may not play music; See however Chaim Sheol 1:84 and other Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 12 and Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 46 that one may participate even if music is playing. See also Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 16:10 footnote 13; Maharam Shick Y.D. 368; Shaareiy Teshuvah 551:3; Teshuvos Maimanis Shoftim 19; Shevet Halevi ibid

[283] Nitei Gavriel 16:10

[284] Pashut, as they do not have to keep Dinei Aveilus, as brought in Chapter 12 Halacha 1B!

[285] Igros Moshe Y.D. 255; See Nitei Gavriel 16:22 footnote 35

[286] Tuv Taam Vadaas 3:241; Dudaei Sadeh 62; Pnei Baruch 20:18

[287] Rama 391:3; See Aruch Hashulchan 391:13

[288] 1st opinion in Rama ibid; Kol Bo; Semak

[289] 2nd opinion in Rama ibid; Hagahos Ashri

[290] Rama 391:3; Chochmas Adam 166:2

[291] Rama ibid that so is custom

[292] Rama ibid “He may eat in his home from the food that is sent to him”; Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Pnei Baruch 20:17

[293] One understanding in Rama ibid that his allowance only applies to serving the food to the waiter’s room or kitchen staff and not to the main hall of the attendance; So learns: Beis Meir 391:3; Aruch Hashulchan 391:13; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 20 footnote 8 and Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 35; See Nehar Afarsemon Y.D. 54, brought in Nitei Gavriel volume 2 p. 12

[294] One understanding in Rama 391:3; and so rules: Kitzur SHU”A 212:5; Nehar Afarsemon Y.D. 54 [wording recorded in Nitei Gavriel volume 2 p. 12; Dudaei Hasadeh 62; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 20:3

[295] Aruch Hashulchan 391:13 that so is custom to be lenient; Nitei Gavriel volume 2 p. 12

[296] Rama ibid does not mention any difference; Nitei Gavriel 20:4 footnote 11 in name of Bach; Beis Meir and Daas Torah; See however Gesher Hachaim p. 186 and Pnei Baruch 20:17 footnote 35 who prohibit an Avel of a parent within Shloshim

[297] Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Pnei Baruch 20:17; p. 216

[298] Rama ibid “He may eat in his home from the food that is sent to him”; Kitzur Shlah Kuf, brought in Nitei Gavriel 20 footnote 8

[299] Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Pnei Baruch 20:17

[300] Kitzur Shelah Kuf; Aruch Hashulchan 393:13; Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 35 in name of Rav SZ”A

[301] See Nitei Gavriel 20:2 in name of Aruch Hashulchan 393:13; Nehar Afarsemon Y.D. 54; Dudaei Hasadeh 62; Vetzaruch Iyun as they do not write this

[302] See Nitei Gavriel 20:3

[303] Dudaei Sadeh 62

[304] 391:3

[305] Rama ibid that so is custom in Ashkenaz and these provinces; 2nd opinion in Michaber ibid;

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to attend the Chuppah ceremony, prior to the meal, in order to hear the blessings. [1st opinion in Michaber ibid]

[306] 1st opinion in Rama ibid; Hagahos Maimanis

[307] Rama ibid

[308] Darkei Hachaim 14:10; Thus the Avel may attend a Chuppah taking place in front of 770.

[309] See Nitei Gavriel 17:6

[310] 2nd opinion in Rama ibid; Ravayah, brought in Hagahos Maimanis

[311] Rama ibid “So appears to me”

[312] Michaber ibid; Rama ibid

[313] Rama ibid that so is the Ashkenazi custom; Michaber 391:2 regarding Beis Hamishteh; Admur 128:55; See Birkei Yosef 391:2 regarding a Zivug Sheiyni

[314] Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to enter during the meal, and it is only forbidden to eat in it. [Riy Rabbeinu Tam]

[315] Zera Emes 3:172; Pnei Baruch 20:22; Nitei Gavriel 16:3

[316] Zera Emes 3:172; Nitei Gavriel 16:3

Other Poskim: Some Poskim rule one is not to enter the hall even during times that music is not being played and the meal is not being eaten. [Darkei Hachaim 14:10, and so is evident from the ruling that he can’t join the Chuppah even though it takes place before the meal or the music.]

[317] Rama 391:2

[318] Rama ibid in his personal opinion regarding within 12 months [It is possible to learn that the Rama is referring to only after Shloshim, and so learn some Poskim, as brought in other opinions, however all the following Poskim explicitly learn it applies even within Shloshim:] Darkei Moshe 391:2; Maharam Mintz 82; Teshuvas Maimanis Shoftim 19; Gilyon Maharsha 391:3 regarding Rav or leader; Aruch Hashulchan 391:12 regarding Rav of city; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:18 footnote 40; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 19 footnote 1 and so conclude Nitei Gavriel and Pnei Baruch ibid based on majority of Poskim; See Nitei Gavriel 19:3 regarding attending when there is music

Other opinions: Some refrain from being Misader Kedushin or saying the blessings throughout the period of Aveilus due to it being a bad Mazal. [See Teshuvos Maimanis ibid and Pnei Baruch ibid in his name; Hagahos Sefer Haminhagim Tirana, brought in Nitei Gavriel 19 footnote 1] Others rule it is completely forbidden within Shloshim. [one way of learning Rama ibid; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Siddur Derech Hachaim; Kitzur SHU”A 212:4; Gilyon Maharsha 391:3 implies that only by a Rav of city is it allowed within Shloshim; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[319] Rama ibid

[320] Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 19:1 footnote 2

[321] See Taz 391:4; Nitei Gavriel 19:6

[322] Tuv Taam Vadaas 3:241; Dudaei Sadeh 62; Pnei Baruch ibid

[323] Rama ibid in his personal opinion and that so is custom

[324] Shach 391:5 and Taz 391:4 in name of Bach 391 [However the Shach ibid holds it is forbidden]; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:7 in name of Noda Beyehuda Y.D. 213; Pnei Baruch 20:19; Nitei Gavriel 20:1

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is forbidden for all Aveilim to be Shushvinin during Shloshim. [Shach ibid in his understanding of Rama, as explained in Shach 391:3]

[325] Hagraz Margoliyos Aveilus 22; Gesher Hachaim 4; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 20:1 footnote 3; See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:7

[326] Taz 391:4

[327] Minhag brought in Taz ibid [and negated by him]; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391 in name of Lechem Hapanim; brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391; Panim Meiros 3:37, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:7, that those who are lenient have upon whom to rely; Kitzur SHU”A 212:4; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 20:1 footnote 4

[328] Beis Lechem Yehuda ibid

[329] Shaareiy Teshuvah 551:3; Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 47; Nitei Gavriel 20:1 footnote 3; Regarding being in the hall during the music-see Nitei Gavriel 20:1 footnote 5 and 16:9 for various opinions on this subject

[330] Beis Lechem Yehuda ibid

[331] Rama ibid regarding after Shloshim and the same would apply to those who are allowed to be a Shushvinin within Shloshim as explained above!

[332] Shach 391:4 that so is custom and so is implied from Levush

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule he is only to wear some of his Shabbos clothing. [Rama ibid] The Shach ibid explains that perhaps this is not literal.

[333] Nitei Gavriel 21:2

[334] Rama 391:2; Tur in name of Raavad

[335] Bach brought in Shach ibid; Rav Akiva Eiger 391; Noda Beyehuda Y.D. 100, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:3 and 7; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 20 footnote 28; See Aruch Hashulchan 391:6

[336] Shach 391:3 and Taz 391:3 “There is no difference during Shloshim between an Avel for a parent and other relatives”; Levush; Raavad, brought in Toras Hadam; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 20 footnote 30

[337] Aruch Hashulchan 391:5; Zera Emes 3:169; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:20 footnote 49; Nitei Gavriel 20:10

[338] Nitei Gavriel 20:10 footnote 29

[339] See Nimukei Orach Chaim 696:3; Nachalas Shiva 17; Shevet Halevi Y.D. 2:213; Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 54; Nitei Gavriel 17:6; 20:1

[340] Darkei Chaim 14:10 based on Rama ibid which writes “and there is no joy there”, and so is implied from Shaareiy Teshuvah 551:3 and Chochmas Adam 166:1

[341] Nitei Gavriel 16:10 and 23:27

[342] See Chochmas Adam 166:2 that by a Seudas Yesoma they may not play music; See however Chaim Sheol 1:84 and other Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 12 and Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 46 that one may participate even if music is playing as one has no intent to benefit from the music. See also Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 16:10 footnote 13; Maharam Shick Y.D. 368; Shaareiy Teshuvah 551:3; Teshuvos Maimanis Shoftim 19; Shevet Halevi 2:213; Dvar Yehoshua 3:63

[343] Nitei Gavriel 16:10

[344] Tuv Taam Vadaas 3:241; Dudaei Sadeh 62; Pnei Baruch 20:18

[345] Gur Aryeh Y.D. 103; Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 41

[346] See Nitei Gavriel 19:5 footnote 8 [lenient opinions] and footnote 10 [stringent opinions]; See Nehar Afarsemon Y.D. 54 [wording recorded in Nitei Gavriel volume 2 p. 12

[347] The reason: As he has the same status as any Mishamesh.

[348] Neharei Afarsemon Y.D. 54; Nitei Gavriel 19:5 and 7

[349] The reason: As he has the same status as any Mishamesh.

[350] See Zera Emes 3:172; Tosfos Moed Katan 22b; Beis Shearim Y.D. 446; See Nitei Gavriel 16:3 and 23:8-9 footnotes 14-16

Tasting a little food: See Nitei Gavriel ibid who permits him to taste a little food based on M”A 551:10, however in my opinion this is incorrect as the Rama 391:2 writes “not to enter the meal” and the M”A ibid is discussing when there is no meal taking place but rather light refreshments.

[351] Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 16:13

[352] Baruch Hashem 120

[353] The reason: As since the Sages differed the mourning of the public for the sake of rejoicing on Lag Baomer then certainly they differed the mourning of an individual. [ibid]

[354] The leniencies associated with relatives attending weddings during Aveilus is based on two lenience’s found in the Rama; 1) One may waiter at a Simcha, although may not eat at the meal. [Rama 391:3] 2) If the Simcha will be damaged if one does not attend, he may participate even in the meal. [Rama 391:2 regarding Yesoma] Depending on the relation, at times the second leniency applies [parents and grandparents] and at times it is debatable if the second leniency applies or if only the first leniency applies [siblings] and at times only the first leniency applies [other relatives] and at times no leniency apply. [not a relative]. The first recording of an allowance for relatives is brought in the Maharashdam 202; See Nitei Gavriel 16 footnote 10 and in his introduction for a lengthy discussion on this topic

[355] See Aruch Hashulchan 391:5; 391:10; Zera Emes 3:169; Maharashdam 202; Gilyon Maharsha 391 in name of Kneses Hagedola; Gesher Hachaim p. 186; Igros Moshe Y.D. 2:171; Pnei Baruch 20:17 and Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:20 footnote 49; Nitei Gavriel 16:5

[356] Aruch Hashulchan ibid

[357] The reason: As it is their day of Simcha and the Chasan and Kallah will be saddened if they are not present. [Gesher Hachaim ibid]

[358] Other opinions: See Gilyon Maharsha 391 in name of Kneses Hagedola that he is not to eat by the meal

[359] Nitei Gavriel 16:5 footnote 7 in name of Poskim; 20:10 footnote 29

[360] The reason: As they fall under the allowance of marrying off a Yasom, as brought in Rama 391:2. Now, although this allowance within Shloshim does not apply to an Avel of a parent even by a Yesoma, and even by other relatives it is a dispute, nevertheless this is certainly considered like a Davar Haaveid and even worse, and hence we permit it even within Shiva. [Igros Moshe ibid; Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[361] Nitei Gavriel Teshuvah 1 based on Rama 391:3 regarding Shushvinin

[362] Rama 391:3; Gesher Hachaim ibid; Pnei Baruch 20:17; See Maharashdam 202; Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 36

[363] Rama ibid regarding Shamash; Gesher Hachaim ibid; Pnei Baruch 20:17

[364] Nitei Gavriel 16:7; Shulchan Haezer p. 108; See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:7 and Beis Lechem Yehuda 391:3 that the custom is to allow the Shushvinin to even eat by the meal; See Rama 391:2 regarding one who weds an orphan and see Aruch Hashulchan 391:5; Zera Emes 3:169; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:20 footnote 49 that this applies in any case that the Chasan will be saddened if he does not join the meal, however within Shloshim this Heter applies only to an Avel of other relatives.

[365] See Maharashdam 202; Gilyon Maharsha 391

[366] Nitei Gavriel 16:8 and 10 and footnote 13; Teshuvos Maimanis Shoftim 19; See Shaareiy Teshuvah 551:3

[367] Rama 389:3 that from the letter of the law one may wear Shabbos clothing after 30 days.

[368] See Nitei Gavriel 21:1 footnote 1

[369] Rama 391:3

[370] Nitei Gavriel 16:9

[371] Dudaei HaSadeh 62 regarding brother in-law; Gesher 11; Rav Yaroslavsky

[372] Nitei Gavriel 16:11 footnote 16

[373] Nitei Gavriel 16:10 and footnote 13; See Maharam Shick Y.D. 368; Shaareiy Teshuvah 551:3; Teshuvos Maimanis Shoftim 19; Rav Yaroslavsky

[374] Rama 389:3 that from the letter of the law one may wear Shabbos clothing after 30 days; Nitei Gavriel 21:1

[375] See Nitei Gavriel 17:1-12

[376] Nitei Gavriel 27:2 footnote 4 in name of Poskim; Gesher Hachaim 21; So rule regarding the nine days: M”A 551:10; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 122:1; M”B 551:16

[377] Pashut, as rules Rama 391:2 as brought in Halacha A; Nitei Gavriel 27:1; Pnei Baruch 20:27

[378] Nitei Gavriel 27:3 based on Maharashdam 202 and Zera Emes 3:170, and following the same Heter that allows them to participate by the wedding.

[379] See Nitei Gavriel 27:4

[380] Nitei Gavriel 17:3

[381] Toras Menachem 9:154; Shulchan Menachem 5:311

[382] Rama 391:2 that the custom is for an Avel not to attend any meal and Rama 391:3 that this applies Min Hadin if Hasimcha Bimiono will be mentioned by the meal; Taz 391:5; Shach 391:7; Aruch Hashulchan 391:14; See Nitei Gavriel 17:8-12

[383] Hagahos Ashri in name of Or Zarua, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger; See Pnei Baruch 20:21 footnote 52

[384] Pnei Baruch 20:21 footnote 53 in name of Rav SZ”A

[385] Nitei Gavriel 17:9 based on Maharashdam 202 and Zera Emes 3:170, and following the same Heter that allows them to participate by the wedding.

[386] Sheilas Yaavetz 2:180; Gesher Hachaim 21:8-12; Pnei Baruch 20:16; See Nitei Gavriel 28:4-5

[387] Rama 391:2 regarding Seudas Nessuin; Nitei Gavriel 17:8

[388] Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 30; See also Nitei Gavriel ibid who is lenient in a time of need

[389] Nitei Gavriel 17:13 as one who pays for the Seuda is considered like a Baal Simcha, and is certainly no worse than a Mishameish by a meal.

[390] Rama 391:2 [2nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12; Even those Poskim who are lenient by a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha [see Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2] are only lenient after Shloshim!

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in a Seudas Bris Milah. [1st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251]

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardim are accustomed to attend any Seudas Mitzvah that does not involve Simcha, even during Shloshim. [Birkeiy Yosef 391:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 31:1]

Eating in a side room: See Nitei Gavriel 23:19 based on Rama 391:3 that a waiter may serve food at the meal and then eat next door.

[391] Taz 391:2 that this includes all Aveilim within Shloshim, even an Avel over relatives other than a parent.

An Avel for a married sister and other Rabbinical Aveilim: Some Poskim rule that an Avel over a married sister may participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha even during the Shloshim. This leniency applies to all Aveilim of relatives whose Shiva is merely Rabbinical. [Sheilas Yaavetz 2:181; Darkei Hachaim 14:2; Nitei Gavriel 23:23 and Poskim in footnote 34 and 32:8 in name of Gur Aryeh 34 and Daas Torah 391] Other Poskim negate this conclusion. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:2; Taz and Shach ibid make no mention of any differentiation]

[392] Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23:7 footnote 13

[393] Maharam Shick Y.D. 366; Nitei Gavriel 23:11

[394] Nitei Gavriel 23:10 in name of Ritva Kesubos 8; Chaim Sheol 21; Gesher Hachaim 21:8; Pnei Baruch 20:23

May the Avel sing Chazanus by the Bris? See Nitei Gavriel 23:29

[395] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413; Nitei Gavriel 23:28

[396] Pnei Baruch ibid

[397] One way of learning Rama 391:2 and so learns Darkei Hachaim 14:8; Nitei Gavriel 23:21 in name of Maharil Milah; Yifei Nof 156; See however Derech Hachaim 263:5 and Kitzur SHU”A 212:3 in their way of learning Rama 392:1 that within Shloshim the Baalei Bris may not wear Shabbos clothing; See Nitei Gavriel 23:25 and Pnei Baruch 20:14

[398] Rokeiach, brought in Shach ibid

[399] Shach 394:2; Chochmas Adam 166:2

[400] Rama 391:2; So is implied from Shach ibid

[401] See Rama 391:2 that prohibits a Baal Bris from joining the meal within Shloshim if it takes place outside his home; See next however regarding the various types of Aveilim that this law refers to, and that practically one may be lenient if he is not an Avel for a parent. Furthermore, perhaps the above ruling of the Rama regarding a Baal Bris does not include the father or mother of the child, and the father of the child may always join the meal even outside of his home, being that it is his Simcha. See Aruch Hashulchan 391:11 and Nitei Gavriel 23:20 who does not limit his participation to if the meal takes place in his home.

[402] Rama 391:3

Person who donates the meal: See Nitei Gavriel 23:26 that he is considered a Baal Bris.

[403] Derech Hachaim 263:5 and Kitzur SHU”A 212:3 in their way of learning Rama 392:1 that within Shloshim the Baalei Bris may not wear Shabbos clothing; See Nitei Gavriel 23:25 and Pnei Baruch 20:14

Other opinions: Other Poskim rule the Baal Bris may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Milah, even within Shloshim. [Darkei Hachaim 14:8]

[404] Rama 391:2

[405] Implication of Rama ibid and so follows the ruling of Shach 391:3 and Nekudos Hakesef ibid that there is no difference between any Aveilim during Shloshim.

[406] Taz 391:3 in his explanation of Rama ibid; Bach, brought in Shach 391:3 and Nekudos Hakesef 391:3; Noda Beyehuda Y.D. 100, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:3 and 7; Degul Merivava 391; Daas Torah 391 in  name of Pnei Yehoshua 2:38; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Aruch Hashulchan 391:11; See Pnei Baruch 20:14 footnote 31

[407] Maharil 116, brought in Taz ibid; However, see Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 391:2 that even the Maharil is not lenient within Shloshim, but rather only after Shloshim; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23:24 footnote 37

[408] Divrei Yaakov 53, brought in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 37 that we are lenient in matters of Aveilus

[409] Nitei Gavriel 23:1-5 in name of Poskim

[410] Rama 391:2 regarding all meals

[411] See M”A 551:10

[412] Adnei Paz 10; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:4

[413] Sheilas Yaavetz 2:180; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 28:14

[414] Nitei Gavriel 23:27

[415] See Chochmas Adam 166:2 that by a Seudas Yesoma they may not play music; See however Chaim Sheol 1:84 and other Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 12 and Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 46 that one may participate even if music is playing.

[416] See Zera Emes 3:172; Tosfos Moed Katan 22b; Beis Shearim Y.D. 446; See Nitei Gavriel 23:8-9 footnotes 14-16

Tasting a little food: See Nitei Gavriel ibid who permits him to taste a little food based on M”A 551:10, however in my opinion this is incorrect as the Rama 391:2 writes “not to enter the meal” and the M”A ibid is discussing when there is no meal taking place but rather light refreshments.

[417] Nitei Gavriel 23:13 based on Sheilas Yaavetz 2:184

[418] Nitei Gavriel 23:14 in name of Daas Kedoshim

[419] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10; Nitei Gavriel 23:16

[420] Rama 391:4

[421] See Nitei Gavriel 23:24 in name of Zera Emes 3:391 who is stringent and other Poskim who are lenient on the basis that a Kvater is also considered a Sandek; See also Beis Lechem Yehuda 391 who implies he may not participate in the meal.

[422] Beis Lechem Yehuda 391

[423] Nitei Gavriel 23:14 based on Neharei Afarsemon 57; Zichron Yehuda 2:108; Dudaei Sadeh 62

[424] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10-11; Nitei Gavriel 23:21-22 based on Shaareiy Teshuvah 5513 and Ashel Avraham Tinyana 551 and

[425] Shealas Yaavetz 182; See Halacha B above for dispute and conclusion that in a time of great need one may be lenient to participate

[426] See Nitei Gavriel 28:1-2

[427] Sheilas Yaavetz 2:180; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391

[428] The reason: As they hold the custom is to be lenient after Shloshim to participate in a Seudas Mitzvah.

[429] Rama 391:2; Adnei Paz 10, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:4

[430] See Nitei Gavriel 25:1

[431] Nitei Gavriel 23:10 in name of Ritva Kesubos 8; Chaim Sheol 21; Gesher Hachaim 21:8; Pnei Baruch 20:23

[432] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413; Pnei Baruch 20:23; Nitei Gavriel 23:28

[433] Pnei Baruch ibid

[434] Rama 391:2; Gesher Hachaim

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardim are accustomed to attend any Seudas Mitzvah that does not involve Simcha, even during Shloshim. [Birkeiy Yosef 391:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 31:1]

[435] Rama 391:2 [2nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Mordechai; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in a Seudas Pidyon Haben. [1st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251]

Eating in a side room: See Nitei Gavriel 23:19 based on Rama 391:3 that a waiter may serve food at the meal and then eat next door.

[436] Taz 391:2; Shach 391:3; Sheilas Yaavetz 180

An Avel for a married sister and other Rabbinical Aveilim: Some Poskim rule that an Avel over a married sister may participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha even during the Shloshim. This leniency applies to all Aveilim of relatives whose Shiva is merely Rabbinical. [Sheilas Yaavetz 2:181; Darkei Hachaim 14:2; Nitei Gavriel 23:23 and Poskim in footnote 34 and 32:8 in name of Gur Aryeh 34 and Daas Torah 391] Other Poskim negate this conclusion. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:2; Taz and Shach ibid make no mention of any differentiation]

[437] Meaning, within Shloshim for Aveilim of all relatives [Taz ibid; Shach ibid], and within 12 months for an Avel over a parent. [Rama ibid]

[438] Rama ibid; ; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12; Even those Poskim who are lenient by a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha [see Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2] are only lenient after Shloshim!

[439] Shvus Yaakov 2:102; Pnei Baruch 20:9

[440] See Rama 391:2 [2nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1 Includes Siyum Misechta; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12; Even those Poskim who are lenient by a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha [see Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2] are only lenient after Shloshim!

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in a Seudas Mitzvah [including a Seudas Misechta]. [1st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251]

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardim are accustomed to attend any Seudas Mitzvah that does not involve Simcha, even during Shloshim. [Birkeiy Yosef 391:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 31:1]

An Avel for a married sister and other Rabbinical Aveilim: Some Poskim rule that an Avel over a married sister may participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha even during the Shloshim. This leniency applies to all Aveilim of relatives whose Shiva is merely Rabbinical. [Sheilas Yaavetz 2:181; Darkei Hachaim 14:2; Nitei Gavriel 23:23 and Poskim in footnote 34 and 32:8 in name of Gur Aryeh 34 and Daas Torah 391] Other Poskim negate this conclusion. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:2; Taz and Shach ibid make no mention of any differentiation]

[441] See Pnei Baruch 21:11; Piskeiy Teshuvos 470:10

[442] Rama 391:2 [2nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12; Even those Poskim who are lenient by a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha [see Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2] are only lenient after Shloshim!

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in a Seudas Mitzvah [including a Seudas Bar Mitzvah]. [1st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251]

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardim are accustomed to attend any Seudas Mitzvah that does not involve Simcha, even during Shloshim. [Birkeiy Yosef 391:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 31:1]

[443] Taz 391:2; Shach 391:3; Sheilas Yaavetz 180

An Avel for a married sister and other Rabbinical Aveilim: Some Poskim rule that an Avel over a married sister may participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha even during the Shloshim. This leniency applies to all Aveilim of relatives whose Shiva is merely Rabbinical. [Sheilas Yaavetz 2:181; Darkei Hachaim 14:2; Nitei Gavriel 23:23 and Poskim in footnote 34 and 32:8 in name of Gur Aryeh 34 and Daas Torah 391] Other Poskim negate this conclusion. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:2; Taz and Shach ibid make no mention of any differentiation]

[444] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10; Zera Emes 3:168; Pnei Baruch 20:26 in name of Poskim; Nitei Gavriel 26:9

[445] See Rama 391:2 [2nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12; Even those Poskim who are lenient by a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha [see Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2] are only lenient after Shloshim!

[446] Taz 391:2; Shach 391:3; Sheilas Yaavetz 180

An Avel for a married sister and other Rabbinical Aveilim: Some Poskim rule that an Avel over a married sister may participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha even during the Shloshim. This leniency applies to all Aveilim of relatives whose Shiva is merely Rabbinical. [Sheilas Yaavetz 2:181; Darkei Hachaim 14:2; Nitei Gavriel 23:23 and Poskim in footnote 34 and 32:8 in name of Gur Aryeh 34 and Daas Torah 391] Other Poskim negate this conclusion. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:2; Taz and Shach ibid make no mention of any differentiation]

[447] Pnei Baruch 20:28; See Nitei Gavriel 29:5-7

[448] Taz 391:2; Shach 391:3; Sheilas Yaavetz 180

An Avel for a married sister and other Rabbinical Aveilim: Some Poskim rule that an Avel over a married sister may participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha even during the Shloshim. This leniency applies to all Aveilim of relatives whose Shiva is merely Rabbinical. [Sheilas Yaavetz 2:181; Darkei Hachaim 14:2; Nitei Gavriel 23:23 and Poskim in footnote 34 and 32:8 in name of Gur Aryeh 34 and Daas Torah 391] Other Poskim negate this conclusion. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:2; Taz and Shach ibid make no mention of any differentiation]

[449] See Rama 391:2 [2nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12; Even those Poskim who are lenient by a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha [see Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2] are only lenient after Shloshim!

[450] Taz 391:2; Shach 391:3; Sheilas Yaavetz 180

An Avel for a married sister and other Rabbinical Aveilim: Some Poskim rule that an Avel over a married sister may participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha even during the Shloshim. This leniency applies to all Aveilim of relatives whose Shiva is merely Rabbinical. [Sheilas Yaavetz 2:181; Darkei Hachaim 14:2; Nitei Gavriel 23:23 and Poskim in footnote 34 and 32:8 in name of Gur Aryeh 34 and Daas Torah 391] Other Poskim negate this conclusion. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:2; Taz and Shach ibid make no mention of any differentiation]

[451] See Rama Yoreh Deah 391:2; Piskeiy Teshuvos 696:7; Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 31:5; Purim 78:13

[452] Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; Vetzaruch Iyun as from where he received this difference between an Avel over a parent or other relative if in Rama 391:2 all Aveilim are included in the prohibition!

[453] Igros Moshe 3:161; See Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 31:5; Purim 78:13

[454] Rama 391:2; Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 2 31:4

[455] Nimukei Orach Chaim 696:1

[456] Nitei Gavriel 32:3

[457] The reason: As one is considered like a relative to the Tzaddik, and hence is allowed to join. [ibid]

[458] Reply of Rebbe to Avel regarding Yud Tes Kisleiv; See Shulchan Menachem 5:312 that the Rebbe would make a Siyum by every Farbrengen during his year of Aveilus.

[459] Nitei Gavriel 16:10

[460] Rama 389:3 that from the letter of the law one may wear Shabbos clothing after 30 days.

[461] See Panim Meiros 2:123, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:3 that a woman after birth may wear Shabbos clothing as it is her day of Yom Tov.

[462] See Igros Moshe Y.D. 3:161 and Nitei Gavriel 32:2

[463] See Nitei Gavriel 29:3 for his own conclusions

[464] See Nitei Gavriel 32:4

[465] See Nitei Gavriel 33:1-2; Introduction of Volume 2 p. 13 in name of Pnei Menachem

[466] Michaber and Rama 391:1-3 regarding Simcha, entering Beis Hamishteh; “Mizmurei Chasan Vekallah”; Zera Emes 5:167; Nimukei Orach Chaim 696 that although there is no explicit source prohibition music, so is learned from the Michaber and Rama ibid, as it is included in the prohibition against entering a Beis Hamishteh; Maharam Shick 368; Pnei Baruch 20:31; See Nitei Gavriel 14:2 footnote 2; Shevet Halevi 2:57; 127; Igros Moshe 1:166;  3:87;  Minchas Yitzchak 1:111; Kinyan Torah 2:99; Yechaveh Daas 3:30; Mishneh Halachos 8:128; Az Nidbaru 10:23; Piskeiy Teshuvos 551:13; 493:4

[467] See Piskeiy Teshuvos 493:4

[468] See Igros Moshe 1:166 regarding Sefirah

[469] See Leket Yosher that the Terumos Hadeshen did not sing during Sefirah. See also Yosef Ometz p. 128; Nitei Gavriel 10 footnote 2; Rav SZ”A is quoted [see Piskeiy Teshuvos 493 footnote 35 to rule that songs which involve Avodas Hashem [slow Niggunim] may be sung while those songs that involve simple joy which lead to dancing may not be sung.

[470] Music that is not accompanied by instruments of any sort and is merely vocal.

[471] Igros Moshe 1:166; See Sheivet Halevi 8:127 that states the widespread even amongst G-d fearing Jews is to listen to such music [it is however unclear from his reponsa if he is referring to the entire year or even the period of the three weeks]

[472] Sheivet Halevi 8:127 [in his personal opinion]; Az Nidbaru 8:58; Tzitz Eliezer 15:33

[473] Gur Aryeh Y.D. 103; Maharam Shick 368; Aruch Hashulchan 391:14; Daas Torah 391; P”M 551 A”A 10 regarding three weeks; Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 41 and 20:31 footnote 73 in name of Poskim; Nitei Gavriel 14:5

[474] Maharam Shick 368; Nitei Gavriel 14:3; See previous Q&A

[475] Igros Moshe 3:87; Kinyan Torah 2:99 regarding Sefirah, and based on the Peri Megadim the same should apply until the nine days

[476] Maharam Shick 368; Betzeil Hachochmah 6:61; Piskeiy Teshuvos 551:14

[477] See Maharam Shick 368; Nitei Gavriel 14:4 and 6; 33:8 and 12

[478] See Chaim Sheol 1:21 regarding his allowance for a husband to play music by the Bris of his son even though the wife is an Avel; Nitei Gavriel 14:6

[479] The reason: As a child is obligated in the honor his parents, and parents in law. [Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[480] See Nitei Gavriel 30:2

[481] Gesher Hachaim 23:3-7 [p. 212]

[482] Chol Hamoed Kehilchasa Hosafos 12:42 in name of Rav Wozner

[483] Nitei Gavriel 30:2 in name of Peri Hadama 1:13

[484] Zera Emes 5:157; Nitei Gavriel 30:3 in name of Zekan Aaron 114

[485] Rama 660:2 that so is the custom; Kol Bo; Sefer Haminhagim p. 179 [English]; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 660:4

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule an Avel may perform the Hakafos by Hoshanos. [Beis Yosef 660; Siddur Yaavetz; Chayeh Adam; Kaf Hachaim 660:17 according to Arizal; Poskim in Piskeiy Teshuvos 660:4] The Rebbe Rashab performed Hakafos of Hoshanos when he was in Aveilus, however, this custom belongs only to a Nasi, and not to the Chassidim. [Sefer Haminhagim ibid]

[486] Rama ibid

[487] Poskim in Piskeiy Teshuvos 660:4

[488] Poskim in Piskeiy Teshuvos 660:4

[489] See Minchas Yitzchak 6:62; Nitei Gavriel Sukkos 101:1-3; Aveilus 2 30:5-7

[490] Levushei Mordechai 4:136; Yalkut Hagershuni 660; Chelkas Yaakov 3:75

[491] Moed Lekol Chaiy 20:39; Poskim in Kaf Hachaim 669:33

[492] Sefer Haminhagim p. 78 [179 in English]; Sefer Hasichos 1944:30; Hayom Yom 2; Otzer Minhagei Chabad 20; See Nitei Gavriel Sukkos 101; Aveilus 30:5

[493] So I have seen done

[494] Harav Leibel Groner in a written correspondence

[495] Kaf Hachaim ibid in name of Poskim

[496] Nitei Gavriel ibid; Vetzaruch Iyun as there could be many other reasons for why he does not wish to participate.

[497] Zekan Aaron 214; Ikrei Hadaat 36:22; Kaf Hachaim 696:26; Pischeiy Teshuvah 696:4; See Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 31:8

[498] See Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 31:10

[499] See Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 31:10; Heard from Harav Asher Lemel Hakohen

[500] Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 31:10; Heard from Harav Eli Landa; Harav Asher Lemel Hakohen

[501] Nitei Gavriel Aveilus 16:13

[502] Baruch Hashem 120

[503] The reason: As since the Sages differed the mourning of the public for the sake of rejoicing on Lag Baomer then certainly they differed the mourning of an individual. [ibid]

[504] Shulchan Aruch 392; Moed Katan 23a; See Pnei Baruch 32 and Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 chapter 15

[505] Shach 392:1; Bach 392; Chochmas Adam 166:4; Kitzur SHU”A 213:1; See Nitei Gavriel 15 footnote 14 that the custom used to be to make a Kinyan and Tannaim between a husband and his late wife’s sister even prior to the burial of the wife:sister who passed away.

[506] Rama 392:1; Tur; Rosh; Ramban; See Beis Hillel 392 regarding why by Tishe Beav we rule in 551:2 that it is allowed; Taz 392:4, and Shach 392:5 in name of Bach, that this applies even for a widower who did not yet fulfill Peru Urevu. See Taz ibid in his understanding of Rama and Nekudos Hakesef ibid

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to perform Eirusin:Kiddushin even during Shiva, even on the day of death. However a meal and Chuppah may not be made until after the Shloshim. [Michaber ibid; Rambam Avel 6] The reason for this is because perhaps another person will marry the woman instead of him. [Taz 392:1] Likewise, there is not much Simcha involved in the Kiddushin alone. [Beis Hillel ibid]

[507] See M”A 551:10; Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 122:1; M”B 551:16; Nitei Gavriel 15:11

[508] Aruch Hashulchan 392:2; Kitzur SHU”A 213:1; See Rama 391:2 that this applies even if the meal takes place in the home of the Avel, being it is a meal relating to a wedding

[509] Michaber 392:1; Moed Katan 23a

[510] Kitzur SHU”A 213:1

[511] The reason: As there is Simcha by a wedding even if a meal will not take place. [Bach 392]

[512] Taz 392:5 in name of Tur and Rosh in explanation of Michaber ibid

[513] Michaber and Rama 392:2; Admur O.C. 493:3

[514] Shach 392:4; See Michaber E.H. 1:5

[515] Michaber 392:2 regarding the three festivals of a widower, and Rama ibid that the same applies for all Aveilim; Moed Katan ibid

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is forbidden for an Avel to get married during Shloshim even if he does not have children. [Ramban and others brought in Gesher Hachaim 21:9; Kitzur SHU”A 213:2 and Lechem Hapanim there based on Ramban and Nemukei Yosef; See Tuv Taam Vadaas Telisa 2:245 that today since the Chasanim don’t intend to do so for the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, therefore we don’t allow them to marry during Shloshim; See however Misgeres Hashulchan ibid that the Kitzur does not have the power to be stringent against the Michaber ibid and the other Rishonim, especially being that we are lenient in Aveilus.

[516] Rama ibid; Admur O.C. 493:3

[517] Gesher Hachaim 21:9; Pnei Baruch 32:3; Nitei Gavriel 15:4 [see there that one may even initially set it up for the night of the Shloshim, as some opinions hold that Miktzas Halayla Kekulo.]

[518] Implication of Michaber 392:3; Taz 392:5; Chasam Sofer 351, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:5; Tuv Taam Vadaas Telisa 2:245

The reason: As a woman is not obligated in the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, and hence there is no Heter to allow her to marry during Shloshim. [Taz 392:5] Now, although her Chasan is commanded in Peru Urevu, he can simply marry someone else and fulfill the Mitzvah. [Chasam Sofer 351, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:5]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that she may get married during Shloshim if she became engaged before the death and her Chasan has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu. [Rabbeinu Tam, brought in Tur and Taz 392:5 and so rules Tur E.H. 14; see next footnote] The Taz and Michaber ibid negate his opinion.

[519] Rabbeinu Tam and Tur in previous footnote; Aruch Hashulchan 392:11 that in a time of need one may be lenient like Rabbeinu Tam; See Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 16 and Nitei Gavriel 15:3 footnote 5 for a number Poskim [Mishneh Eliezer; Beir Mayim 46; Zachreinu Lechayim and others] who were lenient like Rabbeinu Tam to allow the Aveilah to marry her Chasan during Shloshim if he did not fulfill Peru Urevu, even if there is no loss involved. See also Nitei Gavriel 15:6 that a Chasan may marry his Kallah during her Shloshim, although this is not fully accurate, as even according to Rabbeinu Tam it is only permitted if a) He did not yet fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and b) They were engaged prior to the Aveilus.

[520] Michaber 392:2 regarding a widower, and the same applies regarding any Avel as records Rama ibid; See other opinions in previous footnotes

[521] Some Poskim rule that a widower may remarry within Shloshim even if he has servants to provide him with all his needs but does not have anyone to serve him in a more intimate way that is befitting only for a wife, daughter or daughter in-law, such as to wash his hair and the like. [Opinion in Rama ibid; Mahariy 13; Teshuvos Ritzba found in Teshuvos Maiman, brought in Beis Yosef 392] See Chapter 23 Halacha 15B!

[522] After Shacharis of the seventh day of Shiva they may get married. [Chochmas Adam 166:5]

[523] See Beis Lechem Yehuda 392 in explanation of Rambam, however from the explanation of the Shach 392:2 and Bach 392 it is clear that they negate this ruling

[524] See Kitzur SHU”A 213:2

[525] See Michaber 392:3 and Taz 392:5 that the entire allowance of the Michaber 392:3 to permit in a case of loss is if the Chasan did not yet perform the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, in which case we are lenient in a case of loss even if the Kallah is the Avel, however if the Chasan already fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, there is no precedent anywhere in Poskim to allow the wedding to take place during Shloshim even if a loss will be incurred. See Aruch Hashulchan 392:11 and see Nitei Gavriel 15:3 who did not accurately summarize this Halacha. Regarding if the Chasan’s father passed away, and delaying the wedding will cause a great loss-See a similar case in Meir Nesivim 79 who permitted getting married even during Shiva, however seemingly the basis of that allowance as well is the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, as brought in Michaber ibid. Vein Hasefer Tachas Yadi. 

[526] Michaber 392:3

[527] The reason: As a woman is not obligated in the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, and hence there is no Heter to allow her to marry during Shloshim. [Taz 392:5] Now, although her Chasan is commanded in Peru Urevu, he can simply marry someone else and fulfill the Mitzvah. [Chasam Sofer 351, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:5]

[528] Shach 392:6; Taz 392:5 in explanation of Rosh brought in Tur and that so rules Michaber ibid; See Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 16 in name of Beir Hamayim 46 that one may be lenient even if it is not a great loss

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even if the needs of the wedding have not yet been prepared and delaying the wedding will not cause a great loss, she may get married during Shloshim if she became engaged before the death and her Chasan has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu. [Rabbeinu Tam, brought in Tur and Taz 392:5

[529] Shach 392:6; Taz 392:5 in explanation of Rosh brought in Tur and that so rules Michaber ibid; Chasam Sofer 351, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:5

[530] Rama ibid; Rosh; Hagahos Maimanis; Mordechai

The reason: If they desire to marry then he may marry her, even though she is in Aveilus and he can technically marry a different woman for the sake of taking care of his children, nevertheless a sister has more mercy on her nieces and nephews than another woman. [Rama ibid] She may hence get married even though there is no loss involved. [Shach 392:8]

[531] See Michaber 392:2 that even if he has small children, he may only get married after the Shiva. So rules also Taz 392:5 that there is never an allowance to marry within the Shiva; See however Shach 392:7 in name of Levush that he may marry his sister in-law within the Shiva. Vetzaruch Iyun. Shaareiy Teshuvah 392:6 records the ruling of Taz ibid

[532] See Poskim in Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 17

[533] Taz 392:6; Shach 392:7 in name of Bach and in explanation of Levush

[534] Shach 392:2; Bach 392 in explanation of Rambam; See Beis Lechem Yehuda 392 for alternative explanations of Rambam

[535] Birkeiy Yosef 392:1; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 3

[536] Aruch Hashulchan 392:1

[537] Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 30 and Nitei Gavriel 15:10 in name of Poskim

[538] Chasam Sofer 348, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:2; Tefila Lemoshe 399

[539] Chasam Sofer 348, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:2

The reason: As avoiding these matters during Shloshim is only a custom.

[540] Elya Raba 132:4, brought in Reb Akiva Eiger 390; Chasam Sofer ibid

Other opinions: Some Poskim leave this matter in question. [P”M 132 M”Z, brought in Reb Akiva Eiger ibid]

[541] Chasam Sofer ibid

[542] Imrei Baruch Y.D. 392; Yehuda Yaaleh 91; Minchas Yitzchak 1:111; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 15:13 footnote 21 and that so is the custom; Pnei Baruch 32:7; See Shevet Halevi 4:213

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule an Avel who is getting married within his period of Aveilus is not to have music played by the wedding. [Sefer Chassidim 536; Nehar Mitzraim Aveilus 158; See Nitei Gavriel 15:13 footnote 20-21]

[543] The reason: As the wedding is considered like a festival for the Avel in which he cannot show public Aveilus. [ibid] Likewise, if we allow him to get married and be bye the meal, then certainly he may listen to music. [See Shevet Halevi ibid]

[544] Kesef Mishneh in opinion of Rambam, brought in Beir Hagoleh 380:24, Aruch Hashulchan 380:33; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 1:8

[545] Michaber 380:25

[546] The reason: As this is similar to a joyous occasion, as he travels with a large caravan and they rejoice a lot on the way. [Michaber ibid]

[547] Yosef Ometz p. 330; This prohibition is based on Michaber 380:25 who prohibits Shayaros [See however Aruch Hashulchan 380:33] and based on 391 [and Admur 128:55] who prohibits an Avel in Simcha; Gesher Hachaim 21; Nitei Gavriel 33:9; Pnei Baruch 31:13

[548] Nitei Gavriel 33:10

[549] Nitei Gavriel 33:10

[550] Nitei Gavriel 33:11

[551] Michaber 380:22; Avel Rabasi 11; See also 378:7 and Moed Katan 27a [regarding a Beis Havel]

[552] The reason: As all actions that are done for the cleanliness of the home is not considered a Melacha for the Avel. [Nimukei Yosef Moed Katan 24a; See Taz 380:1 that it is not real Melacha] The reason for this is because housework is a basic necessity, and not every Avel can afford to hire workers to do it for them. [Levush 380:22]

[553] Michaber ibid and 378:7 and Moed Katan 27a [regarding a Beis Havel]; Shevet Halevi 6:244; Siach Yitzchak 475; Nitei Gavriel 103:21; Vol. 2 13:1

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule an Avel may not mop the floor during Shiva or Shloshim and that the custom is to be stringent. [Meishiv Devarim 215; See Kerem Shlomo 381] Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 29 concludes the custom is to only mop the dirty areas.

Waxing the floor: See Shevet Halevi 6:244; Mishnas Yaakov 3:278; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 13:1

[554] Michaber 240:1; Kiddushin 31b

[555] Michaber 395:1; Rosh; Rabbeinu Yerucham;

Ending Shloshim after Alos Hashachar: See Nitei Gavriel 1:5 footnote 5 that in a time of need it ends with Also Hashachar.

[556] The reason: As we apply the rule of “Miktzas Hayom Kekulo”, that part of the day is considered like the entire day. [Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid] Although by Shiva one must wait past sunrise, until the comforters leave, since comforters don’t come during Shloshim, it suffices to wait until sunrise. [Shach 395:1] Alternatively, since the laws of Shiva include active [remove sandals etc] and passive acts of mourning [i.e. don’t do], therefore one must perform some acts of the active form of Aveilus for some time into the day, and the Sages established for it to be done until the comforters leave. However, by Shloshim, since there is only passive Aveilus laws applicable, it therefore suffices to wait until sunrise. [Taz 402:5 in explanation of Reb Yichiel, brought in Tur 402]

[557] See Chapter 23 for all the restrictions that carry over from the Shloshim and apply throughout the 12 months and for those restrictions that no longer apply.

[558] Rama 400:2; Hagahos Maimanis in name of Maharam

[559] The reason: As since not bathing during Shloshim is a mere custom, therefore one may be lenient in honor of Shabbos. [400:2]

[560] Diggul Merivava 400 based on Tosfos Moed Katan 19; Teshuvah Meahavah 402; Chaim Sheol 2:23; Zera Emes 2:153; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 3:6 footnote 10

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that relatives of the deceased other than the children may get a haircut in honor of Shabbos, if the 29th day falls on Erev Shabbos. [Teshuas Chein 33, mentioned in Nitei Gavriel ibid]

[561] Panim Meiros 2:148; Gilyon Maharsha 400

[562] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 chapter 37

[563] Rav Poalim Y.D. 1:51

[564] Rav Poalim ibid

[565] See Rav Poalim 1:51; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 1:10

[566] Rav Poalim Y.D. 1:51

[567] See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 37:2

[568] Michaber 344:20 based on Tur and Rav Haiy Gaon regarding a Chacham, Aluf, Vegaon, and some are accustomed to do so for all deceased relatives; Ramban; Rokeiach 316; Mavor Yabok; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 37:3

[569] Aruch Hashulchan 344:12 that this Minhag is no longer practiced today

[570] Custom of Eretz Yisrael, brought in Igros Kodesh 7:74; Maharam Brisk 2:29; Custom brought in Mishmeres Shalom Mem 77; Toras Yekusiel Tinyana 93; Sefarim in Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 37:3-4 and 68 footnote 5-6

[571] Toras Menachem 1988 2:635; Igros Kodesh 23:411 [brought in Shulchan Menachem 5:283]

[572] See regarding a Shabbos Yahrzeit: Rebbe in Igros Kodesh 8:125; 14:324; Likkutei Sichos 19:132 regarding Tzedaka; Toras Menachem 19:31 [brought in Shulchan Menachem 5:323-324]; See also Chesed Leavraham Y.D. 19; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 37:6

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