This article is an excerpt from our Sefer

Buy Now!

1. Bnei Teisha Midos-Force; angry; mourning; other woman; drunk; divorce; sleeping; brazen:[1]

A. The general rule:

The Sages related nine different situations for which marital relations are to be abstained from [and is forbidden[2]]. Lack of doing so can lead to having rebellious children [who have evil souls created from that sinful union[3] or have a rebellious husband[4]] who go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos, as the verse states, “I will create from amongst you those who rebel and sin against Me.” These restrictions are known as, “Bnei Teisha Midos,” and refer to the children born from unions of the following nine situations. [Alternatively, it refers to the husband and wife who had relations under such circumstances.[5]]

Pregnant, nursing or past menopause:[6] These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is nursing, using a contraceptive, or has had her womb removed].

Peru Urevu:[7] These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah.

 

The list of Bnei Teisha Midos:

1. Bnei Annusa: Intercourse that is done against the will of the wife or done begrudgingly. [See Halacha B]
2. Bnei Senua: Intercourse that is done while the couple is angry with each other. [See Halacha D]
3. Bnei Niduiy: Intercourse that is done while one of the spouses is in excommunication or Aveilus. [See Halacha F]
4. Bnei Temura: Intercourse that is done with intention for one wife while sleeping with another wife. [See Halacha G]
5. Bnei Moredes: Intercourse that is done with a rebellious wife who does not desire to remain married. [See Halacha H]
6. Bnei Shichrus: Intercourse that is done while under the influence of alcohol. [See Halacha I]
7. Bnei Irbuvya: Intercourse that is done while thinking of another man or woman. [See Halacha G]
8. Bnei Gerushas Haleiv: Intercourse that is done while he has intent to divorce her. [See Halacha J]
9. Bnei Chatzufa: Intercourse that is done after she asks for relations in a brazen manner. [See Halacha K]

 

The main theme of the Bnei Teishe Midos – The requirement of love and passion in intimacy: After contemplating all of the Bnei Tishe Midos restrictions, one can conclude that the common denominator is that the intimacy must be done with mutual love and desire between the couple, and when there are moods or situations which are contrary to these feelings of love, or make them absent, then intimacy is forbidden. From here we can learn the great emphasis, according to Halacha and Jewish philosophy, on the couple being in a loving and passionate relationship with each other. The common misconception that Torah views intercourse as a dry method of procreation cannot be further than the truth, and indeed, dry and emotionless intimacy for the mere sake of procreation is in fact forbidden as understood from the negations of the Bnei Tishe Midos.

 

B. #1 Bnei Annusa – Against will of wife or done begrudgingly:[8]

One may not have relations with his wife against her will [such as if she is upset with him[9] or is exhausted, and therefore does not desire intimacy]. [This prohibition applies even if he does not force himself upon her and actually rape her, but simply gets her to begrudgingly acquiesce to the relations.[10] Thus, a husband must appease and stimulate his wife prior to relations, and only then may they engage in intercourse.[11] Likewise, a husband must avoid overburdening his wife to have intimacy with him too often when he knows that it will be done begrudgingly.[12] Having intercourse against the will of one’s wife, or even begrudgingly, can cause that one have improper children born to him[13] who may become rebellious and go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos[14] and might be born with blemishes.[15] Having intercourse against her will, mystically, transgresses the prohibition of Giluiy Arayos.[16] The Divine presence does not reside with the intimacy when it is against the will of the wife.[17]] *See Chapter 7 Halacha 5 for the full laws and details of Piyus  affection prior to intercourse.

Pregnant or nursing or past menopause: These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is nursing, or using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above.

Q&A If the husband attempts to appease his wife, must she acquiesce to his appeasement and his request for intimacy? As understood from the Rambam’s[18] directives, it is proper for the wife to be open to appeasement and try to reach a point that she can be open and willing to consent to her husband’s desire.   Does the above prohibition, of doing so against her will, only refer to actual intercourse or to any sexual act? The prohibition certainly extends to all actions done during the actual intercourse, such as positions during intercourse and the like, that it may not be done against her will.[19] Regarding other acts which lead up to the intercourse, while certainly it should not be done against her will, it requires further analysis if this is included in the severity of Bnei Anussa.[20] May one have intimacy a second time in a row against the will, or with begrudging consent, of the wife?[21] No. Although having intimacy twice consecutively is beneficial for having male children,[22] nevertheless, it may only be done with full consent of the wife and if she is appeased. [However, so long as he has yet to separate from her, he may continue with a second ejaculation.[23]] If one desires to sanctify himself during intimacy and lessen the amount of hugging, kissing and other touch, may he do so against the will of his wife?[24] If this will cause his wife to be upset with him during the intimacy, then it is forbidden.   May the wife have intercourse with the husband if it is against his will?[25] The husband is also required to desire the intimacy. Hence, if it is against his will, or he is doing it begrudgingly, then it is not allowed.[26] Thus, if the husband is exhausted and is intimate simply to fulfill the Mitzvah of Onah and keep her happy, even though he does not currently desire her at all, then it falls under the status of Bnei Teisha Midos.[27] If a wife does not desire intimacy with her husband, even after appeasement, may he nevertheless have intercourse with her?[28] No, rather he is to wait for another time when she will desire to be intimate.[29] If, however, this is a chronic situation, in which the wife never desires intimacy, even after appeasement, then some Poskim[30] rule that he may be intimate with her even if she acquiesces begrudgingly. Other Poskim,[31] however, rule that he may never be lenient, even in such a case, and they hence must seek counsel and intervention.     May a husband have intercourse with his wife against her will for the sake of fulfilling the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu? No, even when the intent of the intercourse is to impregnate his wife and fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu, he may not do so against her will. Nonetheless, he is obligated to try to appease her until she acquiesces to the intimacy in order to fulfill the Mitzvah.

The need for love and passion and the negation of depression, laziness, and disinterest:[32] During intimacy, the couple must be filled with true love, joy, and passion for each other; through doing so, they will merit to have children who are righteous and scholarly. Thus, all feelings of laziness, depression, fear, panic or anger must be dispelled prior to engaging in intimacy. Being in a state of depression, fear, anger or panic during intimacy can effect that the born child will also carry these negative traits and be a dark and depressed individual, or be very aggressive and get into fights often, or be very dull-headed.[33] Thus, if one sees that their spouse is engaged in these kinds of moods, then he is to appease her/him and try to console them and make them feel better so they can have a proper and desirable state of intimacy. All of the below is relevant to all Jews, and especially to Torah scholars.[34] [Thus, the perspective that Judaism looks at intimacy as a dry act of procreation, and that the righteous and pious should do so with no feeling, is very distanced from the true Jewish philosophy that it must involve feeling and passion.]   Being romantic and telling the spouse of one’s love for them: If the wife sees that her husband is saddened about something, she should try to console him and tell him how much she loves him and cherishes him, and give him words of praise and encouragement.[35] The same applies vice versa, for the husband to the wife.

C. #1b When she is sleeping:[36]

One may not have relations with his wife while she is sleeping [and one who does so is considered to transgress having relations with her against her will[37]]. [Seemingly, this applies even if she agrees.[38]]

If she is only half asleep:[39] If she is only half asleep, there is no prohibition to have intimacy with her. [Nonetheless, one is not encouraged to do so, as brought below.[40]]

Pregnant or nursing or past menopause: These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is nursing, or using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above.

Intimacy when tired, exhausted, or sleepy:[41] During intimacy, the couple must be filled with true love, joy, and passion for each other, as stated above. Thus, all feelings of tiredness and sleepiness must be dispelled prior to engaging in intimacy. Accordingly, if the husband is tired or sleepy and is therefore having difficulty getting himself into the mood for desiring his wife, he should abstain from the intimacy until he can properly arouse himself, as intimacy should not take place while there is disinterest. He should speak with his wife using words that arouse his love and lust for her, as well as do other necessary actions for his love to be aroused. Not to wait until one is tired and exhausted: Due to the above, it is critical for the intimacy and scheduled intercourse to take place at a time that both the husband and the wife are alert and awake and not tired with exhaustion. Therefore, it is best for it to be scheduled earlier on in the night, or after taking a nap, or drinking a caffeinated beverage for the sake of raising the quality of their experience. Intimacy under exhaustion usually diminishes the interest, desire and passion needed for the intimacy and causes laziness, which prevents the couple from taking the time to progress in building the feelings and emotions necessary for intimacy to happen.

D. #2a Bnei Senuah-Angry with each other or in a state of argument or fighting:[42]

It is forbidden to have relations with one’s wife if he became angry with her until he appeases her. [The same applies if they got into an emotional argument or fight.[43]] One may talk with his wife during preparation of intercourse in order to appease her.[44] Lack of doing so can lead to having rebellious children [created from that sinful union, or have rebellious husbands] who go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos, as stated in A.

Pregnant or nursing or past menopause: These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is nursing, or using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above.

See Q&A in section in E for questions related to this subject!

E. #2b Bnei Senuah-Wife is despised by husband or vice versa:[45]

One may not have relations with his wife if he despises her at the time of the intercourse. [This applies even if he generally loves her, but is upset with her at that moment, as explained above. If, however, he generally despises her, but is now in love with her, then it may be done.[46] The same restriction applies if the wife despises him.[47]] Lack of guarding the above [considers their intimacy to be promiscuous[48] and] can lead to having rebellious children [created from that sinful union, or have rebellious husbands] who go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos, as stated in A.[49] [Children born from such a union are Rabbinically considered as spiritual Mamzeirim.[50]]

Pregnant or nursing or past menopause: These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above.

Bnei Meriva-A couple who is always fighting and bickering:[51] If a couple is always fighting to the point that they are in a constant state of being upset with each other, even during intimacy, then it is forbidden to be intimate until they settle their issues and can put it behind them. If they have intimacy while still in their state of fighting, then it is considered Biyas Zenus, a promiscuous relation, and causes the children born from such unions to be rebellious, as stated above in A. [If, however, they manage to arouse true love for each other during the session of intimacy, then it is permitted, as explained in E regarding Bnei Senuah. Practically, a couple who have constant long-term issues with each other, and are no longer in a state of love due to it, must take measures to fix the issues in order so that they can continue being loving and intimate, and have spiritually healthy children born to them. If necessary, they should speak with a Rav and/or marriage counselor and consider birth control, or even separation if all efforts to make peace between them are useless, in order to not have improper children born to them.[52] The philosophy that some people have, in which they advise having children anyways and that the children will repair the relationship, is often misguided as well as problematic according to Halacha, as it creates children defined as Bnei Meriva and Bnei Senua which can become spiritually unhealthy children.]   Placing effort to have a peaceful home-Shalom Bayis:[53] Due to the above prohibition of having intimacy in a state of anger or being upset at each other, the couple is to place maximum effort, especially near the scheduled times of intimacy, in being extra caring and loving to each other in order for the intimacy to be with true love and passion, and not with reluctance in any way. Q&A on D-E If the couple got into a disagreement or argument over a certain matter, must the matter be settled prior to intercourse or can they schedule to further discuss it later on?[54] So long as the matter has been put to rest until a further discussion, and they have returned to feelings of love for each other, they may resume with intimacy. Who has the main responsibility to bring appeasement if there is an argument between the couple?[55] The main responsibility is on the shoulders of the husband, to actively find a peaceful solution to their differences and appease his wife to have intimacy with no hard feelings. This applies even if it is the husband who is angry at something that his wife did or did not do. [This does not mean that the wife is always correct and the husband always incorrect, but rather that even when the husband is in the right, he must take the leading role in attempting to bring the matter to a peaceful solution. This can be learned from Moshe Rabbeinu who approached Dasan and Avirum in attempt to calm the fires of discord, even though most certainly they were the guilty party in their case.] If the husband or wife is angry at another person or event, that has nothing to do with their spouse, may they have intimacy?[56] They should not be intimate until the anger has subsided, even if the anger is not related at all to the spouse. The reason for this is because intimacy needs to be done in a mood of love and joy, while lack of such feelings being present can affect the child in a negative way. If a husband is not attracted to his wife [or vice versa] and does not feel in love with her, may he be intimate with her?[57] So long as the husband does not despise his wife and is able to arouse feelings of love and desire during the actual intimacy, then it is permitted for them to engage in intimacy, and the children of such intimacy are not defined as Bnei Senua.[58] [Thus, a newlywed couple may engage in intimacy, even if they have yet to build a real attraction or love for each other, as is common in the Chassidic world for couples to marry after one short meeting.] Nonetheless, initially a man is not to marry a woman who he has no physical attraction to, as the intimacy must take place with real love and passion, and not having any attraction to one’s wife can lead to him despising her even during intimacy.[59] Furthermore, even if the couple initially loved and were attracted to each other, if they see that their love and relationship has become stale, they need to brainstorm ways to rekindle it.

 

F. #3 Bnei Niduiy-Excommunication or Aveilus:[60]

One may not have relations with his wife if he [or his wife[61]] is in excommunication. [The same applies if one of them is sitting Shiva, as explained in Chapter 4 Halacha 4.[62]] Lack of guarding the above can lead to having rebellious children [created from that sinful union, or have rebellious husbands] who go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos, as stated in A.

Pregnant or nursing or past menopause:  These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is nursing, or using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above.

Q&A If the husband r”l consciously performed Zera Levatala using his hand [i.e. masturbation] and is thus in Niduiy, may he be intimate with his wife? [63] Some Poskim[64] rule that one who performs Zera Levatala is considered to be in automatic Niduiy [until he does Teshuvah[65]]. Accordingly, such a person must repent prior to being intimate with his wife, in order so that the intimacy not be defined as Bnei Niduiy.[66] If the husband consciously brings himself to an erection during times that intimacy will not take place [i.e. she is a Niddah], is he considered to be in Niduiy? Some Poskim[67] rule that although such a person is considered fit to be put into Niduiy, they are not actually considered to be in Niduiy unless it ch”v leads to Zera Levatala, as explained above.

G. #4-5 Bnei Temura and Irbuvya-Thinking of another man or woman:[68]

One may not think of another woman during marital relations. This applies even if they are both his wives[69] [and certainly if he thinks of a woman who is not his wife]. [The children born from such a union are close to being considered Mamzeirim.[70]] It causes one to have rebellious children [or to have rebellious husbands] who go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos, as stated in A.[71] [On the other hand, focusing on one’s wife during intimacy causes the children to be born Tzadikim.[72] Likewise, the wife may not think of another man during intercourse, and if she does so, her children become mute r”l.[73] It is most severe if both the husband and wife are thinking of other people.[74]]

Pregnant or nursing or past menopause: These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is nursing, or using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above.

The spiritual dangers to the child by having intercourse while thinking of another woman:[75] One who thinks of another woman, or gentile woman, while having intimacy with his wife, causes that she too thinks of him when she is with her gentile husband. This has the spiritual power to cause the souls to be switched and have a heretic be born from the union of the Jewish couple and have a future convert born from the union of the gentile couple. This is the mystical meaning behind Bnei Temurah, as the souls of the children become switched. There is nothing that causes greater damage above in heaven than the forbidden thoughts which one has during intimacy. [Thus, spiritually, such a child is considered like a Mamzer, as stated above.]   Sanctifying one’s thoughts throughout the day of scheduled intimacy:[76] Due to the above, it is very important that on a day scheduled for intimacy, the couple be extra careful to guard their minds and not entertain any forbidden thoughts.   Q&A If the thought of another woman [or man for the wife] momentarily entered one’s mind during intimacy, must they stop?[77] No, so long as he pushes it away from his mind right away. The above prohibition only applies if one consciously entertains the thought of another person, as the Torah was not given to angels, and one cannot prevent momentary thoughts. If, however, one begins to dwell on the thought, then intimacy is forbidden until he can clear his mind.    If a man became aroused due to another woman, may he have intimacy with his wife in order to calm his lust? This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 5 article on our website through a passcode   One who woke up with an erection:[78] This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 5 article on our website through a passcode   Roll playing: This part of the article has been censored due to its intimate content. It is available in our corresponding Sefer or in the chapter 5 article on our website through a passcode

Zivug Sheiyni & couples who have had previous relationships:[79] Husbands or wives who have had previous relationships, such as a widow or divorcee who remarried, or one who became religious only later on in life, must be careful not to think of any other relationships during intimacy. They are not to compare their spouses to their previous relationships. To help facilitate this, they are to avoid living in the same neighborhood as their previous partner, in order to avoid seeing each other.[80] Likewise, they should get rid of any pictures they have of their previous partner, even if it is her previous husband who passed away.[81]

H. #6 Bnei Moredes-Rebellious wife who desires divorce:[82]

One may not have relations with his wife if she does not desire to be married to him [and says I do not desire you as a husband[83]]. [This applies even if he manages to temporarily appease her during the intercourse and it is not done against her will.[84] If, however, he appeases her to the point that she regrets her previous words and desires to remain married, then it is valid.[85]] Lack of guarding the above [is considered a promiscuous relationship[86] and] can lead to having rebellious children [created from that sinful union, or rebellious husbands] who go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos, as stated in A.

Pregnant or nursing or past menopause: These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is nursing, or using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above.

I. #7 Bnei Shichrus-Drunk:[87]

One may not have relations with his wife if either of them[88] are drunk.[89] [This applies when one of them drank alcohol to the point that their mind became fuzzy and they cannot think straight.[90] However, prior to reaching this state of drunkenness intimacy is permitted, even if they drank a Revi’is or more.[91] One must especially beware of this matter on Purim, or any other holiday or event, in which one consumes a lot of alcohol.[92] Thus, if Mikveh night occurs on the night of the Seder, one should manage his alcohol intake when drinking the four cups. Likewise, a Chasan by his wedding should not drink too much.] Lack of guarding the above [considers the intimacy as promiscuous[93] and] can lead to having rebellious children [created from that sinful union, or rebellious husbands] who go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos, as stated in A. [Children born from such a union can become alcoholics in their lifetime.[94]]

Pregnant or nursing or past menopause: These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is nursing, or using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above.

J. #8 Bnei Gerushas Haleiv-If he plans to divorce her:[95]

One may not have relations with his wife if he intends to divorce her [in the near future[96]]. This applies even if he does not hate her [but rather still loves her, and is divorcing her against his will, such as due to Halachic reasons[97]].[98] [This applies even today, even though one cannot divorce his wife against her will.[99]] Furthermore, some Poskim[100] learn that it is forbidden for them to even live together in such a state, even without intercourse. Lack of guarding the above can lead to having rebellious children [created from that sinful union, or to having a rebellious husband] who go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos, as stated in A.[101]

Informed wife of decision: Some Poskim[102] rule that the above prohibition only applies if the wife is unaware of the impending divorce, however, if the wife is aware, then it is permitted for them to live together and have intercourse and doing so does not contain any prohibition at all.[103] Other Poskim,[104] however, suggest that the prohibition of intimacy applies even in such a case [due to the prohibition of Gerushas Haleiv[105]]. Nonetheless, even according to the stringent approach, they may continue to live together in the same home and have her serve him, if she is aware of the intent to divorce.[106]

Deliberating divorce:[107] If he is debating whether to divorce her, but has yet to make a final decision, then he may continue to have relations with her, unless there are Halachic reasons that validate such a divorce, such as infidelity, in which case they may not be intimate.

Pregnant or nursing or past menopause: These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant or is past menopause [or is nursing, or using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above. [However, if one intends, in the event that his wife becomes pregnant, to not get divorced, then it is permitted to be intimate, even if he plans to divorce her if she does not become pregnant.[108]]

Q&A If a couple decides to divorce after their kids are grown up or married off, may they engage in intimacy?[109] If a husband, wife, or couple is waiting to divorce until all their kids are married, then they may have intimacy until the time for divorce has arrived.   If one decides to divorce his wife only if certain conditions materialize, may they be intimate?[110] Yes. So long as the conditions for divorce have yet to materialize it is permitted to engage in intimacy.   If one who decided to divorce his wife agrees to enter a trial period of Shalom Bayis to try to make things work, may they be intimate?[111] Yes.

 

K. #9 Bnei Chatzufa-Asking for relations in a brazen manner:[112]

One may not have relations with his wife if she demands it from him in a brazen manner, similar to a harlot. [If she does this constantly without heeding her husband’s warnings, then he is required to divorce her, so long as she refuses to repent.[113]] However, one may do so if his wife modestly entices him through dressing seductively [hinting to him in her speech,[114] or hugging and kissing him,[115] or lying on his bed seductively[116]], and on the contrary, he will have good children from this union.[117] [Furthermore, if his wife shows that she desires him in one of the above permitted ways, then he is obligated to be intimate with her, as explained in chapter 2 Halacha 3A.] Lack of guarding the above can lead to having [brazen[118] and] rebellious children [created from that sinful union, or rebellious husbands] who go off the path of Torah and Mitzvos, as stated in A.

Pregnancy or nursing: These restrictions apply even if one’s wife is currently pregnant, or is past menopause [or is nursing, or using a contraceptive], as stated in the introduction above.

Peru Urevu: These restrictions apply even if one has yet to fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu and is having intimacy for the sake of the Mitzvah, as stated in the introduction above.

Q&A What are examples of permitted terms that the wife may use to get her husband to be intimate with her?[119] She may use any words that hint towards intimacy, so long as they are free of any explicit reference to it. Thus, while certainly she may not say “Let’s have sex,” and the like, she may say, “do you want to come to bed with me,” and the like.   What should a husband do if his wife is accustomed to verbally demand intimacy?[120] He should try to preempt her and talk to her about it first.   How long after one’s wife brazenly asks for intercourse must one wait prior to being intimate?[121] One must wait until the matter is put behind them and he then re-desires the intimacy on his own, or his wife asks for it in a valid manner.

____________________________________________________

[1] Michaber 240:3 [mostly omitted from Michaber E.H. 25]; Tur 240:1 and E.H. 25:8; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 5 and 6; Menoras Hama’or Ner Gimel K’lal Vav 5:2; See Beis Shmuel 25:8; Chelkas Mechokeik 25:7]; Rambam Hilchos Dei’os 5:4; Nedarim 20b; See Siddur Ya’avetz Mitos Kesef 6:7; Kitzur SHU”A 150:13; Taharas Yisrael 240:22-30; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:11; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  497-535

[2] See wording in P”M 240 A”A 13

[3] Ran Nedarim 20b; Siddur Ya’avetz Mitos Kesef 6:8

[4] Sha’areiy Kedusha of Ra’avad, brought in Beis Yosef 240; Levush 240; See Beis Shmuel 25:8; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the negative effect of the Bnei Tesha Midos is only on the children and not on the husband. [See Beis Shmuel E.H. 25:8 that so is implied from Tur; 119:1; Mishneh L’melech Issurei Biyah 21:28, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 119:1]

[5] See Poskim in previous footnote

[6] Tur 240:2 “Even if she is not pregnant [which implies certainly if she is – See Beis Yosef on Tur 240:2]”; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 6; P”M 240 A”A 13; Pischeiy Teshuvah E.H. 119:1 that so applies according to Ra’avad ibid; M”B 240:21; Kaf Hachaim 240:39; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; See Biur Halacha 240:1 “Ela Be’onah” that even when pregnancy is not applicable, such as an old woman or a woman who lost her womb, one must still act with holiness because there are new souls created

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the Bnei Tesha Midos restrictions do not apply while the woman is pregnant, as the child is already formed. [Mishneh Limelech Issurei Biyah 21:28, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 119:1]

[7] Tur 240:2, “All these Tishe Midos apply even when the intercourse is necessary for the sake of procreation, such as that she is not pregnant, nonetheless, it blemishes the child and he is called a Posheia”; Beis Yosef on Tur ibid, “It makes no difference whether he already fulfilled the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu or not”; Bach on Tur ibid, “Meaning, even if he needs to do so to fulfill his Biblical command of Peru Urevu”; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Nefesh p. 136, brought in Beis Yosef ibid; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240 footnote 84; See Eiruvin 100b

[8] Michaber O.C. 240:3 “Anussa”; E.H. 25:2 “If she is not pleased, then one must appease her until she is satisfied”; Eiruvin 100b; Ramban in Igeres Hakodesh 6; Menoras Hama’or Ner 3 K’lal 6 6:5; Chareidim Chapter 51 “it’s a Rabbinical prohibition to have relations with one’s wife against her will.” See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 52:1-6

[9] M”B 240

[10] M”A and Poskim in next footnote; Pischeiy Olam 240:13; Taharas Yisrael 2 240:22; See Tur 240; Ba’al Haturim Devarim 5:16; P”M 240 A”A 7; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 52 footnote 2

[11] M”A 240:7; Kaf Hachaim 240:30; Reishis Chochma 16:24 based on Zohar Kedoshim, “One is required to rejoice his wife at that time,” that the husband is required to cajole her to desire him and that there should be no discord between them; Zohar Raya Mihemna Ki Seitzei p. 276; Zohar Tikkun 21; Zohar Bereishis 49b; M”B 240:14

[12] See Beir Mayim Chaim Bereishis 7 p. 32

[13] Eiruvin ibid

[14] Michaber 240:3; See Kallah Rabasi 1:16 that these children too will become rapists [See Ravaan p. 39 and Shita Mekubetzes on Nedarim ibid that this means that his sons too will rape their wives and even other women]

[15] Ba’al Haturim ibid; Tur ibid; Miseches Kallah ibid

[16] See Beir Mayim Chaim Bereishis 7 p. 32

[17] Ramban in Igeres Hakodesh 6

[18] Rambam Ishus 15:18; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 240 footnote 87

[19] Elya Raba 240:10; Bach 240; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:11

[20] See Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid which learns that it applies to all acts; Vetzaruch Iyun, as all the sources refer specifically to intercourse.

[21] Bach 240:4; Elya Raba 240:10; Atzei Arazim 25:1; Niddah 31b; Eiruvin 100b; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  551

[22] Eiruvin 100b

[23] Ezer Mikodesh E.H. 25:2

[24] See Piskeiy Teshuvos 240 footnote 85

[25] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 52:7

[26] Perisha E.H. 77:5; Rambam Deios 4:5

[27] Rashi Niddah 17a

[28] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 52:8

[29] Atzei Arazim 25:1

[30] Chelkas Mechokeik E.H. 25:3; Atzei Arazim 25:1

[31] Beis Shmuel E.H. 77:4; Perisha E.H. 77:5; Mili D’ezra p. 93; Tzitz Eliezer 7:34; Mishpitei Shaul 19 and Rav Elyashiv in Teshuvah 34;

[32] Rambam Dei’os 5:4-5 regarding negation of laziness and depression or being upset; Sefer Chassidim 563 regarding negation of being in a state of anger or being upset and so writes Morah B’etzba 1:11; Shevet Mussar 24; Avraham Anochi 1 Teruma 10 regarding being sad or depressed; Tikkunei Zohar Tikkun 56 regarding being upset or depressed; Many Rishonim and Sefarim emphasize the need for love, joy and passion during intimacy in order so that it has a positive effect on the child born: See Rambam ibid; Nedarim 20b and Shita Mekubetzes ibid in name of Riem and Ritva; Sefer Chassidim 362; Menoras Hama’or Ner Hashelishi 6:6 5:185; Reishis Chochmah Sha’ar Hakedusha 16; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos 6:10; Torah L’shma 72, “Regarding that which you asked, if a person who just woke up from his sleep and is completely uninterested in having intercourse to the point that he almost despises it, may do so anyways, or if he has to do things in order to arouse his desire and lust. The answer: it is not good to have intercourse without any desire and on the contrary one must have will and desire of his own. Thus, it is better for one to arouse his will and lust, in his heart, for the intercourse than for him to despise it. For this purpose, it is permitted for him to even speak words of frivolity with his wife, in order to arouse his desire. Although, one must intend to have intercourse for the sake of fulfilling God’s commandment; one must also do it with lust and desire with all of his heart”; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  497-502

[33] Rambam ibid; Shevet Hamussar ibid; Avraham Anochi ibid

[34] Lechem Mishneh Hilchos Dei’os 5:4

[35] Shevet HaMussar 24

[36] Admur Y.D. 184:41; Taz 184:1; Shach 184:31; Kallah Rabasi 1:16; Tosafos Niddah 12a; Ramban in Igeres Hakodesh 6; Elya Raba 240:9; Siddur Ya’avetz Mitos Kesef 6:7 and Chulya Gimel 7:4; P”M 240 A”A 12; Kitzur SHU”A 130:13; M”B 240:21; Kaf Hachaim 240:37; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:14; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 52:9-10

[37] Admur ibid; Kallah Rabasi ibid

[38] Chosen Yeshu’os 2:127

[39] Admur ibid; Taz ibid; Shach ibid; Otzer Haposkim E.H. 25:9; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid

[40] Ashel Avraham Butchach 240:10; Pela Yoeitz Zivug; Chesed Le’alafim 240:6

[41] See all Poskim in previous footnotes regarding laziness and depression; Rashi on Niddah 17a; Torah L’shma 72 at length that if one woke up after midnight for intimacy and is not really interested, he should not simply do so out of Kabalas Ol but rather needs to arouse himself to desire his wife; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 56:2

[42] Michaber 240:10; Tur 240:10; Kaf Hachaim 240:68; Taharas Yisrael 240:68; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:11; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 51:4

[43] Pirush HaRosh on Nedarim 20b; Tur 240 “Bnei Meriva who always fight”; Shita Mekubetzes Nedarim 20b; Levush 240:2; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos 6:7; Tikkunei Zohar Tikkun 56; Reishis Chochmah Sha’ar Hakedusha 16; Sheyikadesh Atzmo ibid footnote 5

[44] Michaber E.H. 25:1; Beis Yosef 240 in name of Ra’avad; P”M 240 A”A 23; Kaf Hachaim 240:67; Taharas Yisrael 240:68

[45] Michaber O.C. 240:3; E.H. 25:8; Nedarim 20b; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  523-528

[46] M”A 240:8; Tur 240; M”B 240:15; Kaf Hachaim 240:31; See Torah L’shma 71 that so can be gleaned from the relationship of Yaakov and Leah

How was Yaakov allowed to have relations with Leah if she was hated? As during the time of Tashmish, he loved her. Alternatively, in truth he always loved her, and it was just Leah who thought that she was hated. [P”M 240 A”A 8] Alternatively, Yaakov also loved Leah, although in comparison to Rachel she was viewed as hated. [Kaf Hachaim 240:31] See Rav Poalim 3:10

[47] Mahariy Viyaal 186

[48] Rashi Nedarim ibid; Ra’avad Ba’alei HaNefesh

[49] See Kallah Rabasi 1:16 that they will hate the Mitzvos; Ba’al Haturim Ki Seitzei 21:15

[50] Kallah Rabasi ibid; Zohar Pinchas 230a

[51] Tur 240 “Bnei Meriva who always fight”; Shita Mekubetzes Nedarim 20b; Levush 240:2; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos 6:7; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 53:2

[52] Sheyikadesh Atzmo 52 footnote 6

[53] Igeres Hateshuvah of Rabbeinu Yona Yom Shishi; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 52:5

[54] Ashel Avraham Butchach 240:3; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 56:4

[55] Implication of Michaber ibid who rules that he must appease his wife if he is angry at her; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 51:4 and 53:2

[56] Sefer Chassidim 563 regarding being in a state of anger or being upset; See also Morah B’etzba 1:11; Gilyon Aliba Dehilchasa 40:6; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 51:1

[57] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 56:5

[58] See Torah L’shma 71 regarding one who was forced to enter a prearranged marriage despite not being attracted to her, and that so can be gleaned from the relationship of Yaakov and Leah; See also Torah L’shma 377

[59] See Maharashdam Y.D. 95

[60] Michaber 240:3; See Kaf Hachaim 240:32; See Shach Y.D. 334:12 that a Menuda is permitted in Tashmish, and only one who is in Cherem is forbidden [however, seemingly this is from the aspects of Niduiy, however due to Tishe Midos, it is forbidden even simply with Niduiy] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  529-534

[61] P”M 240 A”A 9; Biur Halacha 240:1 “Bnei Niduiy”

[62] P”M 240 A”A 9

[63] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 57:3

[64] Implication of Michaber E.H. 23:2 and Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 as learns Maggid Mishneh on Rambam ibid, and so learns Beis Shmuel 23:3 on Michaber ibid, and is brought in Beis Yosef E.H. 23; Niddah 13b regarding one who brings himself to an erection; Elya Raba 240:6 that with Zera Levatala the Nidduiy is automatic; Pirush Beir Hagoleh on Michaber ibid; Shulchan Hatahor 1 241:3; Kaf Hachaim 240:24;

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even one who does Zera Levatala is not in automatic Niduiy, and is just fit to be put in Niduiy. [Opinion in Beis Yosef E.H. 23; Bach E.H. 23 in opinion of Tur; Chelkas Mechokeik 23:3; Opinions in Beis Shmuel 23:3; Perisha 240:4; Elya Raba 240:6; Tosafos Niddah 13b; Rashba; Ramban; Riy; Lechem Chamudos on Rosh Niddah 2:8 in opinion of Rambam and other Rishonim; Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 in name of Ramban, Rabbeinu Yaakov, and Rashba]

[65] See Shulchan Hatahor 241:3; Mishneh Halachos 7 213:3 based on Riaz Moed Katan 3:2

[66] How to do Teshuvah for Zera Levatala: See Tanya chapter 7 and Igeres Hateshuvah 4 and 8

[67] Implication of Michaber Y.D. 334:43 as the 21^st matter which leads to Niduiy and that if one transgresses it, “He is put into Niduiy,” which implies that until he is actually excommunicated, he is not in Niduiy; Implication of Michaber E.H. 23:2 that only one who does Zera Levatala is in automatic Niduiy [and thus the Michaber omits writing in 23:3 that one who causes himself to have erection is in Niduiy, as he is only fit to be put in Niduiy, unlike Zera Levatala]; Opinion in Beis Yosef E.H. 23; Bach E.H. 23 in opinion of Tur; Chelkas Mechokeik 23:3; Opinions in Beis Shmuel 23:3; Perisha 240:4; Elya Raba 240:6; Tosafos Niddah 13b; Rashba; Ramban; Riy; Lechem Chamudos on Rosh Niddah 2:8 in opinion of Rambam and other Rishonim; Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 in name of Ramban, Rabbeinu Yaakov, and Rashba; Kaf Hachaim 240:24; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 57 footnote 3

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even one who brings himself to erection is in automatic Niduiy. [Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 that so is implied from Rambam, and so brings Beis Yosef ibid; Beis Shmuel 23:3 in implication of Michaber E.H. 23:2 regarding Zera Levatala, and the same would apply to an erection; Pirush Beir Hagoleh on Michaber ibid; Shulchan Hatahor 1 241:3; Implication of Setimas Kol Haposkim ibid]

[68] Michaber O.C. 240:2 and 3 regarding Bnei Temura and Bnei Irbuvya; E.H. 25:10; See M”A 240:6, 9, and 13 that Bnei Temura and Bnei Irbuvya are not exactly the same, as Bnei Temura refers to that he intended for one wife and it was really another wife, while Bnei Irbuvya is that he intended for the correct wife, but simply thought about the other wife or woman; So also explains M”B 240:13 in Michaber 240:2 and M”B 240:16 and 20 in Michaber 240:3; Taharas Yisrael 240:21; Kaf Hachaim 240:29, 33-34, and 38; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  515-522, 543; See Rashbam Pesachim 112a who defines thinking of another woman as Bnei Gerushas Haleiv

How was Yaakov allowed to have relations with Leah if he thought that she was Rachel? As when he saw Leah under the Chupah, he mistook Leah for Rachel [as they seemingly looked similar], and to begin with intended to be with that body. The above restriction is only if at the time of the relations one thinks of a different body of a woman and not if one is mistaken in the identity of the woman. [M”A 240:9; Sha’ar Hatziyon 240:7] Alternatively, in truth for this reason Bnei Reuvein did not receive an inheritance in Eretz Yisrael. [M”A ibid in name of Asara Ma’amaros; See Rav Poalim 3:10 who questions this assertion and gives alternative explanations] Alternatively, in truth she did not become pregnant from him on that night, due to this reason. [Elya Raba 240:6 in name of Ra’avad in Ba’alei Nefesh] Alternatively, since the Torah was yet to be given, they were not required to be careful in this. [Elya Raba ibid in name of Ra’avad ibid] Alternatively, since Leah was thinking only about Yaakov, it is not considered Bnei Temurah. [Birkeiy Yosef 240:4 in name of Koveitz Yashan] Alternatively, Yaakov was not thinking at all about anyone or any lust during the intercourse, and was rather spiritually focused on the union of the Sefiros, and hence it was not considered Bnei Temurah. [Rav Poalim 3:10] Alternatively, the reason is because Yaakov already suspected that he may be tricked by Lavan and given Leah as a wife, and hence he intended to be with whomever he indeed married in order for the child born from that union not be a Bnei Temura. [Kaf Hachaim 240:33]

How was David’s birth not a Bnei Temurah: Yishai, the father of David, had intended to be intimate with his freed maid, when in truth he was intimate with his wife. Nonetheless, this was not considered actual Bnei Temurah [See Asara Mamaros Ma’amar Chikur Hadin 3:10], as he fully intended for the woman who he was intimate with and simply mistook her identity for someone else. [M”A ibid regarding Yaakov and Leah and the same could apply here; Pachad Yitzchak Mareches Machshava Tova] Alternatively, Yishai was not thinking at all about anyone or any lust during the intercourse, and was rather spiritually focused on the union of the Sefiros, and hence it was not considered Bnei Temurah. [Rav Poalim 3:10]

[69] Michaber 240:2; E.H. 25:10; M”A 240:9; Kaf Hachaim 240:33

[70] See Nedarim 20b; Rashbam Pesachim 112a “His children are close to Mamzeirim”; Sefer Hayirah of Rabbeinu Yonah, “Don’t think of another woman as it almost makes one children Mamzeirim.”; Baal Haturim Kedoshim 19:18; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 55:2 footnote 6

[71] See Siddur Arizal of Rav Shabsi p. 42; Pokeiach Ivrim ibid that the thoughts of a woman about other men during the day can cause her to have evil thoughts at night and cause the children to be born with many character flaws.

[72] Rabbeinu Yonah Brachos 5b

[73] Midrash Tanchuma Naso 7; Rokei’ach 317; Yifei Laleiv 240:8; Sefer Chassidim 515; Kaf Hachaim 240:38; Pokeiach Ivrim [of Mittler Rebbe 9; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 55 footnote 1 and 2; See Birkeiy Yosef 240:4 in name of Koveitz Yashan who implies that in fact it is only cosndireed Bnei Temura if also the wife is thinking of another man, Vetzaruch Iyun.

[74] See Birkeiy Yosef 240:4 in name of Koveitz Yashan

[75] Emek Hamelech Sha’ar Tikkunei Teshuvah 11; Solels Belulah 240:6 in name of Emek Hamelech; Kaf Hachaim 240:34; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 55:2-3

[76] See Kaf Hachaim [Falagi] 27:9; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 55:4

[77] See Ezer Mikodesh E.H. 23:3; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 55:4

[78] Peri Eitz Chaim Sha’ar 16:11; Reishis Chochmah 16:16 in name of Ramak in Or Hachama 96, “One must guard that he does not become aroused and excited by foreign lusts, from Na’amah, as the Zohar states that occasionally Na’amah comes to the world to excite people, and the person is found in a state of lust with her, and he lusts for what he saw in his dream. Now, if he has a child from this union, this child will belong to Na’amah, and when Lilis comes and sees him, she connects with this child, and is with him every Rosh Chodesh and tries to hurt him.”; Or Tzadikim 27:9; Chesed Le’avraham Mayan 7 Nahar 25; Elya Raba 240:1; Beir Heiytiv 240:24 in name of Arizal; M”B 240:54; Kav HaYashar 17; Da’as Kedusha 7:40; Kaf Hachaim 240:26; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p. 280-282

[79] See Pesachim 112a and Rashbam there regarding a divorcee, and even a widow; Iyun Yaakov on Pesachim ibid; Ben Yehoyada Pesachim ibid; Chasam Sofer E.H. 133; Teshuvos Maimaniyos Shoftim Semachos 20; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 59

[80] See Meiri Pesachim 112a

[81] Mesores Moshe p. 405

[82] Michaber 240:3; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  510-512

[83] Kitzur SHU”A 150:13; M”B 240:17

[84] M”A 240:10; P”M 240 A”A 10; M”B 240:17; Kaf Hachaim 240:35

[85] Aruch Hashulchan 240:9

[86] Levush 240:2

[87] Michaber O.C. 240:3; E.H. 25:9; Nedarim 20b; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  513-514

[88] Michaber E.H. ibid “Him or her”; M”A 240:11; Kaf Hachaim 240:36; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha

[89] The reason: As when one of them is drunk they do not have intent for love but rather for lust. [Ra’avad ibid]

[90] P”M 240 A”A 11; M”B 240:16; Kaf Hachaim 240:36

[91] Poskim in previous footnote

[92] Moed Lekol Chaiy 31:24

[93] Rashi and Ran Nedarim ibid

[94] Sefer Zechira Zivug

[95] Michaber O.C. 240:3; E.H. 25:8; See also Michaber E.H. 119:1-2 and the Nosei Keilim there; Nedarim 20b [Bnei Teisha Midos]; Gittin 90a [Al Tacharosh]; Yevamos 37b [Marrying on condition of divorce]; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:12; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p. 535-542

[96] The law if he intends to divorce her in the late future: Some Poskim rule that the above prohibition only applies when one has actually started the divorce process, or is ready to do so in the very near future. If, however, one only plans to start the process in a few months or years, then there is no prohibition in being intimate. Thus, if a couple is waiting to divorce until all their kids are married, then they may have intimacy until the time for divorce has arrived. [See Beis Shmuel 119:1; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 58:7-8]

[97] M”A 240:12; Beis Shmuel 119:1 in name of Tur, Rosh, and Ba’al Haturim Parshas Va’eschanon; M”B 240:19; Kaf Hachaim 240:37; See Taz 119:1-2

[98] Michaber E.H. ibid; M”A 240:12; Beis Shmuel 119:1 in name of Tur, Rosh, and Ba’al Haturim Parshas Va’eschanon

The reason: As we apply here the verse, “Al Tacharosh Al Rei’acha Rah.” [Beis Shmuel 119:1; Chelkas Mechokeik 119:1; Tur 119] This is in addition to the fact that the offspring of such a union are included in the Bnei Teisha Midos, of which the children are destined to become rebels and heretics r”l. [See Nedarim ibid; Beis Shmuel 119:1; Get Pashut 119:3; Pischeiy Teshuvah 119:1] The reason for this prohibition is because when one has decided to divorce his wife, he commonly thinks of another woman during intercourse. [Rosh Nedarim 2, brought in Mishneh L’melech Issurei Biyah 21:28, and Pischeiy Teshuvah 119:1]

[99] Setimas Kol Haposkim

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the above prohibition only applied in previous times, prior to Takanas Rabbeinu Gershon, when one was able to divorce his wife against her will. However, today, since one is no longer allowed to divorce his wife against her will, the prohibition no longer applies, as he is stuck in the marriage regardless. Hence, he may appease her and be intimate with her despite his ideal desire to divorce her. [Chochmas Shlomo 119]

[100] Possible understanding of Michaber E.H. 119:2 and so learns Beis Shmuel 119:1 and Peri Chadash 119:2 [in negation of possibility offered in Chelkas Mechokeik 119:1]; Rav Akiva Eiger 119:1 in name of K’neses Hagedola 119, in name of Ra’avad in Tamim De’im 239 that it applies even regarding living together

Other opinions: Some Poskim suggest that perhaps it is permitted for them to live together, without intimacy, even if he has already decided to divorce her. [Mishneh L’melech Issurei Biyah 21:28; Chelkas Mechokeik 119:1; See Aruch Hashulchan 119:9]

[101] See Kallah Rabasi 1:16

[102] Peri Chadash 119:2; Teshuvas Hage’onim 188; Get Pashut 119:3, brought in Mishneh L’melech Issurei Biyah 21:28, and Pischeiy Teshuvah 119:1; Beir Heiytiv 25:8; 1^st option in Perisha 25:31, brought in Beis Shmuel 25:9, based on Michaber E.H. 119:1; 1^st option in Chelkas Mechokeik 119:1; Mishneh L’melech Issurei Biyah 21:28, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 119:1, concludes that the prohibition does not apply in such a case, if he does not intend to marry another woman; Maharsha Gittin 90a; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:12

Other opinions: Possibly, the above prohibition applies even if one’s wife is aware of the impending divorce, as perhaps it is only permitted to have relations by a temporary marriage, in which the wife was aware of the divorce before the wedding. [2^nd option in Perisha ibid, Beis Shmuel ibid and Chelkas Mechokeik ibid; See Mishneh L’melech Issurei Biyah 21:28, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 119:1]

[103] The reason: As it is permitted to marry a woman on a temporary basis, if she has been informed. [Poskim ibid]

[104] Seeming conclusion of Beis Shmuel 25:9; 119:1; Chelkas Mechokeik 119:1; Perisha 25:31 [as understands Beis Shmuel 119:1]; Mishneh L’melech Issurei Biyah 21:28, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 119:1, applies the prohibition if he intends to marry another woman; Get Mekushar p. 3a; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 58:5; See Toras Menachem 5745 4:2379

[105] Mishneh L’melech ibid; Get Mekushar ibid; Toras Menachem 5745 4:2379

Explanation: Having intercourse with one’s wife when one intends on divorcing her touches on two Halachic issues: 1) “Al Tacharosh Al Rei’acha Rah.” And 2) Bnei Gerushas Haleiv. Although in this case the first issue may be irrelevant, nonetheless, the prohibition of Bnei Gerushas Haleiv is still applicable. The previous Poskim, however, argue on this point as well. See Get Pashut ibid; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 58:5 footnote 9

[106] Peri Chadash 119:2; Rav Akiva Eiger 119:1 in name of K’neses Hagedola 119, in name of Ra’avad in Tamim Deim 239

[107] See Taz 119:2 that if he has the Halachic right to divorce her, then we apply the prohibition of the verse, “Al Tacharosh,” however, if one does not have the Halachic right to divorce her, then it can be understood from the Taz ibid that they may live together and be intimate [if he does not hate her at the time of intimacy] as his deliberations are merely theoretical in nature. See also Aruch Hashulchan O.C. 240:9 that it is only considered Bnei Gerusha if he has decided to divorce her, and E.H. 119:9, that if he does not intend to divorce her at the time of intercourse, but rather at a later date, then there is no prohibition. See also Chochmas Shlomo ibid for a similar allowance to continue intimacy if she has the right to not agree to the divorce; Taharas Yisrael 240:28; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:12

[108] Get Pashut E.H. 119:3; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 58:7

[109] See Beis Shmuel 119:1; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 58:7-8

[110] See Shabbos 56a; Geresh Carmel Revid Hazahav 5 Va’eschanon p. 15; Mesores Moshe p. 505; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 58:8

[111] Mesores Moshe p. 508

[112] Michaber 240:3 “Bnei Chatzufa,” as explained in M”A 240:14; Tur 240; Rambam Ishus 15:18; Kallah Rabasi 1; Kitzur SHU”A 150:8; Kaf Hachaim 240:39; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:13; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  148-156; See Eiruvin 100b; Kesubis 65a

[113] Tur 240; Mili Dechassidusa 517; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 6:3

[114] Rashi Nedarim 20b; Ran Nedarim ibid; Perisha 240:7; Elya Raba 240:9; Chochmas Adam 128:19; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 6:4 footnote 8

Examples: She may say “come to me” as Leah said to Yaakov, or any other term so long as the act of intercourse is not explicitly mentioned. [Perisha ibid]

[115] Yifei Laleiv 5 240:7; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 6:4

[116] Beir Moshe 1:49-2

[117] M”A ibid; Beiry Heiytiv 240:14; Aruch Hashulchan E.H. 25; M”B 240:21; Taharas Yisrael 240:29; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; See Avraham Min Hahar Nedarim 20b, “If she verbally asks for it in a brazen strong and light headed manner”; Shita Mekubetzes Nedarim ibid

[118] Kallah Rabasi ibid and Pirush Ravan Hayarchi

[119] See Perisha 240:7; Elya Raba 240:9; Beir Moshe3 1:49-2; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 6:4 footnote 8

[120] Sefer Chassidim 516; Elya Raba 240:9; Taharas Yisrael 240:30; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 6:5

[121] See Beis Yisrael 26; Beir Moshe 1:49-3; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 6 footnote 3

Bookmark