Timeless wisdom – Marriage advice from our sages and the Rebbe:
The 14th of Kislev – Wedding Anniversary of the Lubavitcher Rebbe, and Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka:
Today, the 14th of Kislev (December 4), marks a day of profound significance in Chabad history. On this date in 5689 (1928), the Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, of blessed memory, married Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka, the daughter of the Previous Rebbe, Rabbi Yosef Yitzchak Schneersohn. This sacred union was celebrated in Warsaw and became a cornerstone event that shaped the future of Chabad and inspired generations to build homes founded on Torah and Chassidus.
The Rebbe himself remarked that this day “connected him with the Chassidim.” The simple meaning is that through marrying the Previous Rebbe’s daughter, he entered the inner circle of leadership, ultimately receiving the mantle of Nesius after his father-in-law’s passing. This marriage was not only a bond between two individuals but a link that tied the Rebbe to the mission of guiding and uplifting the Jewish people.
Their Relationship: Love, Respect, and Sensitivity
The relationship between the Rebbe and Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka was one of the most admirable examples of love and mutual respect. It was marked by:
- Profound care and dignity – The Rebbe treated his wife with the utmost respect and consideration.
- Daily investment – Despite his immense responsibilities, he dedicated time each day to be with her, showing that a true Jewish home is built on presence and attention.
- Sensitivity and emotional strength – Although they did not merit to have children—a reality that undoubtedly brought them deep pain—the Rebbe remained an emotional rock for his wife throughout their decades together.
The Rebbetzin’s Role as a True Aishes Chayil
Likewise, Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka was an extraordinary supporter of her husband. She possessed remarkable sensitivity to the Rebbe’s sacred responsibilities and carried herself with grace and discretion, ensuring that his holy work could flourish without distraction.
As a true Eishes Chayil—a woman of valor—she assisted him whenever possible, offering encouragement, understanding, and unwavering loyalty. Her quiet strength and selflessness were essential to the Rebbe’s ability to dedicate himself fully to his mission of leading and inspiring the Jewish people. The Rebbetzin’s life was a testament to the power of devotion and partnership, showing that behind every great leader stands a spouse whose support is immeasurable.
Their marriage spanned 59 years, from 14 Kislev 5689 (December 27, 1928) until the Rebbetzin’s passing on 22 Shevat 5748 (February 10, 1988). These years were filled with devotion, partnership, and shared purpose.
Teachings from the Rebbe on Marriage
The Rebbe often emphasized that marriage is not merely a partnership but a divine mission:
- Building a dwelling place for G‑d – A Jewish home is a sanctuary where the Shechinah rests.
- Mutual respect and care – The Rebbe taught that true love is expressed through action, sensitivity, and constant investment in the relationship.
- Shared purpose – Marriage is about creating a life of Torah, mitzvos, and spreading light to the world.
Lessons for Today
From the Rebbe and Rebbetzin’s example, we learn:
- Presence matters – Dedicate time daily to nurture your relationship.
- Respect and sensitivity are foundational – Treat your spouse with dignity and care.
- Shared mission strengthens the bond – Build your home on Torah values and a sense of purpose.
The following article which records several pieces of marriage advice and Halacha’s from the works of our sages and talks of our Rebbe, is written in commemoration of the 14th of Kislev – The Wedding of the Lubavitcher Rebbe and Rebbetzin Chaya Mushka. This day celebrates a union that continues to inspire Jewish homes worldwide. May we all strive to emulate their example of love, respect, and devotion, creating homes that are true dwelling places for G‑d.
Many people are unaware that much of what is commonly presented as “marriage advice” is, in fact, rooted in halachic obligations incumbent upon the husband. If he were to view these practices as mitzvos rather than mere suggestions, he would approach them with greater seriousness and enthusiasm, recognizing their spiritual significance.
Rules & Advice
- General Kesuba Duty to ensure wife’s happiness:[1]
Marriage entails a range of obligations that spouses owe to one another, as specified in the Kesuba document. Beyond financial support, a husband is also required to provide emotional support, promote his wife’s happiness and well-being, and avoid causing her distress or feelings of neglect.
- Eating Dinner Together Daily:[2]
According to Halacha, within the scope of a husband’s Kesuba obligations—specifically the requirement known as Sheira—a husband is obligated to share at least one meal with his wife.[3] Among Ashkenazim, this obligation is interpreted as a daily requirement, necessitating that the husband dine with his wife every day.[4] For Sephardim, the obligation applies specifically to Friday night; however, it remains highly recommended for all husbands to share meals with their wives whenever feasible, as rules the Rama.[5] A husband is only relieved from this obligation if his wife willingly waives her right and consents to eat alone without his presence.
Presence or shared eating:[6] Ideally, a husband should not only be present during his wife’s meal but also actively partake in eating together with her.
Husband works late:[7] When the husband is away at work late into the night there is no obligation for him to eat together with his wife daily, and this obligation is only when he is anyways at home.
- Spending Quality Time With One’s Wife Every Single Day:[8]
The Rebbe instructed individuals on numerous occasions, seemingly based in part on rulings of the Talmud and Shulchan Aruch in Hilchos Kesuba [brought above regarding dinner] the following timeless message: A married couple’s daily schedule should include a dedicated time for quality interaction, during which the husband gives his wife his full and undivided attention. The Rebbe emphatically stated: Just as a man is obligated to pray and don Tefillin each day, he is likewise obligated to invest in his marriage daily by spending meaningful time with his wife—fulfilling the biblical commandment to bring joy to one’s spouse, which is part of the broader mitzvah of loving one’s fellow Jew.
How much time daily: While no fixed duration is mandated, a suggested guideline based on the Rebbe’s letters is approximately thirty minutes per day, devoted to casual conversation and, periodically, to studying a Torah topic together.
The reason: Marriage carries obligations beyond financial support; a husband must emotionally care for his wife, gladden her heart, and make her feel loved and secure. The Lubavitcher Rebbe emphasized that this is an actual biblical obligation, and in many letters encouraged husbands to sanctify time for their wives, equating this commitment to the daily obligation of putting on Tefillin. The Rebbe’s personal custom to spend time daily with the Rebbetzin: In a Teshurah printed in Eternal Joy, it is related that when the Rebbe was recovering from a heart attack, he told his doctor that upon returning home each day, he would sit with his wife over a cup of tea and converse—even about mundane matters—and advised the doctor to do the same. If the Rebbe, who bore immense global responsibilities, set aside time daily for his wife, then surely every individual can and must do so.
Key to blessing and success:[9] Our sages teach that a happy and content wife brings blessing and prosperity to the home; thus, investing time in one’s marriage is not a hindrance to financial success—it is a catalyst for it.
Studying Torah together:[10] In addition to spending quality time in conversation and companionship, the Rebbe strongly encouraged that couples periodically dedicate part of this time to learning Torah together. [From his directives, we learn that Torah study should be an integral part of the couple’s shared time. This not only strengthens their spiritual bond but elevates the home into a true Mikdash Me’at—a miniature sanctuary. Suggested topics include areas relevant to daily life, such as Hilchos Shabbos, Chinuch (Jewish education), and Hashkafa (Jewish outlook), fostering both practical knowledge and spiritual growth.]
A Clinical Perspective Supporting the Rebbe’s Guidance: Leading marriage therapists, and psychological reports and studies[11], emphasize that consistent quality time between spouses is one of the most critical factors for maintaining a healthy relationship. Emotional connection thrives on shared experiences and attentive communication; when couples neglect this, feelings of loneliness and disconnection often arise. Research shows that lack of time together is among the most common complaints voiced by wives and is a major predictor of marital dissatisfaction. Over time, this emotional gap can escalate into resentment, erode trust, and even lead to divorce, or a loveless marriage. Investing in regular, meaningful interaction is therefore not a luxury—it is a necessity for sustaining intimacy and preventing relational breakdown.
- Sleeping in same room as one’s wife:[12]
Some Poskim[13] suggest, in defense of those who do not sleep in the Sukkah, that a married man is exempt from sleeping in the Sukkah if he desires to sleep with his wife in the same room.[14] This applies even if his wife is a Nida.[15] The rationale for permitting a married man to refrain from sleeping in the Sukkah under these circumstances is as follows: A husband is obligated to bring joy to his wife during the festival, and even when she is in a state of ritual impurity, this joy can be fulfilled by his secluding with her in a private room. [From this halachic ruling, we can derive the value and importance of a husband being present in the room with his wife at night when she goes to sleep. While this may not be an absolute obligation every night, it certainly carries significant merit. Its importance is underscored by the fact that halacha recognizes this presence as sufficient reason to exempt a husband from the mitzvah of sleeping in the Sukkah during the festival.]
- Guarding the Tongue: No Verbal Oppression:[16]
The Alter Rebbe rules in his Shulchan Aruch, based on the Talmud and previous Poskim: One must be very careful not to oppress his wife, not to cause her pain with words. G-dly retribution for oppressing one’s wife is quick to come.[17] A person is to be very careful with his wife’s honor as the blessing of the home of a man is only found due to the wife. Chazal stated to their generation “Respect your wives in order to become wealthy.” [Just as a husband is commanded to honor his wife and avoid verbal abuse, the same applies to the wife towards her husband. Both are obligated to guard their tongues, to speak respectfully, and to protect each other’s dignity. The blessing of the home rests upon mutual respect, and Chazal teach that honoring one’s spouse brings peace, prosperity, and divine favor.]
| Event/Teaching | Description | Individuals Involved |
| Kesuba Duty | Ensure wife’s happiness, emotional support, avoid distress or neglect | Husband |
| Eating Dinner Together | Share at least one meal daily (Ashkenazim); Friday night (Sephardim); highly recommended for all | Husband, Wife |
| Spending Quality Time Daily | Dedicated time for quality interaction, undivided attention, approx. 30 min/day suggested | Husband, Wife |
| Studying Torah Together | Couples should periodically study Torah together, strengthens spiritual bond | Husband, Wife |
| Clinical Perspective | Quality time is critical for healthy relationship, prevents loneliness and marital dissatisfaction | Marriage therapists |
| Sleeping in Same Room | Some Poskim exempt married men from sleeping in the Sukkah to sleep with wife in same room | Husband, Wife |
| Guarding the Tongue | No verbal oppression, respect spouse, blessing of home found due to wife, mutual respect brings peace | Husband, Wife |
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[1] Igros Kodesh 21:254 “It is a Biblical command of the Torah to rejoice the heart of one’s wife, and this is part of the general great rule of the Torah taught by Rabbi Akiva of loving one’s fellow Jew”
[2] See Michaber and Rama E.H. 70:2; Tur E.H. 70:1; Beis Yosef 70; Nesiv Hamishpacha 2:5; Ish Veisha Shezachu 2:23-25; Chevel Nachalaso 11:26
[3] Background: One of the scriptural obligations of a husband towards his wife is referred to as Sheira, which requires the husband to provide food for his wife. The Mishneh in Masechet Ketubot clarifies that this obligation extends beyond mere provision; it includes the requirement for the husband to dine with his wife once a week on Friday night. Rishonim explain that this weekly shared meal serves to foster closeness and intimacy within the marriage. This ruling is cited by both Rambam and the Shulchan Aruch (Michaber), though they indicate that the husband is not obligated to share meals with his wife on other nights. However, implications from the Talmud Yerushalmi suggest a daily obligation for the husband to eat with his wife, a view supported by many Rishonim and Poskim, including the Rama. The Rama stipulates that this duty is only waived if the wife voluntarily relinquishes her right and consents to dine alone. The rationale for this position is that it would be considered inappropriate for a wife to routinely eat alone. In practice, Ashkenazi custom typically follows the Rama’s ruling, while Sephardic practice adheres to the positions of the Michaber and Rambam.
[4] See Rama E.H. 70:2; Tur 70 in name of Yerushalmi and Rosh; Beis Yosef 70 in name of Rashba; Yerushalmi Kesubos 7:1; Rosh Kesubios 7:4; Rashba Kesubos 70b in name of Raavad; Teshuvos Harshaba Meyuchasos to Ramban 7:104; Meiri Kesubos 64b; Ran Kesubos 28; Rashbatz 2:68; Maggid Mishneh Ishus 12:10; Levush 70:2; Beis Yaakov 70:2; Igros Moshe O.C. 4:101-2; Mishneh Halachos
[5] Michaber E.H. 70:2; Tur 70 in name of Rambam; Rambam Ishus 12:12; Mishneh Kesubos 64b and Kesubos 65b; Shoel Unishal 5:42;
[6] There is discussion regarding the nature of this obligation among Ashkenazim and according to the Rama. Some authorities interpret it as requiring the husband merely to be present while his wife eats, provided she does not dine alone. Others, however, assert—based on the straightforward readings of the relevant rulings—that the husband is required to actually partake in the meal with his wife. This latter interpretation draws support from the Rama’s explicit reference to dining together, particularly on Friday night, indicating that mere presence at the table may not suffice.
[7] When the husband is away at work late into the night, there is room to consider that even according to the ruling of the Rama and the Rishonim on which his opinion is based on, there is no obligation for him to eat together with his wife daily, and this obligation is only when he is anyways at home.
[8] Igros Kodesh 12 letter 3,912 “I would like to take this opportunity to arouse you to sanctify time for your wife and children in a way of bringing them close. I emphasize the word “sanctify” being that indeed this is a matter of sanctity and relates to the survival of our holy nation…. This especially applies based on the famous talk of the Rebbe Rashab in which he states that just as one is obligated to put on Tefillin each day so too he is obligated to sanctify from his time to influence his wife and children.” Igros Kodesh 16:358 “In answer to your letter in which you write that your husband is very busy [and has no time for me and our children], in general you are correct with your claim, as indeed a husband and father must sanctify time for his wife and children, and it is completely obvious that this is no less important than any of the other mitzvah’s of our holy Torah. And it is known the words of the Rebbe Rashab regarding the above that just as one is obligated to put on Tefillin each day so too….” Hayom Yom Hamevuar 22nd Teves
[9] Admur Hilchos Onah Ugeneivas Daas 32 “A person should always be careful in the honor of his wife as blessing is only found in the home in merit of his wife. And so taught the sages to their generation that they should honor their wives in order so they be wealthy”
[10] Igros Kodesh 9,116 “It is obvious that it is worthwhile to set times of Torah study with one’s wife in those matters that are relevant as explained in the laws of Torah learning of Admur chapter 1. And the question itself is wondrous!” Igros Kodesh 30:95 “certainly you have set times of Torah learning occasionally during the week with your spouse,a nd try to elevate her spirit and encourage her in matters of Torah and mitzvos in a peaceful manner, as after all, according to Torah the woman is the pillar of the home.”
[11] See the following article published in Psychological Reports, which is a peer‑reviewed academic journal published by SAGE Publications: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/00332941211000651
See also the following article published by the American Psychological Association (APA), which is the leading professional organization for psychology worldwide, in the journal Psychological Bulletin, one of the APA’s flagship journals. Development of Relationship Satisfaction Across the Life Span: A Systematic Review and Meta-Analysis
[12] Admur 639:9; See Kaf Hachaim 639:45-46
[13] Rama 639:2 “To me it appears…”; Taz 639:9; M”A 639:8; Shlah; See Divrei Yatziv O.C. 2:274 that the custom is for a Chasan not to sleep in the Sukkah during Shana Rishona
Other opinions: Some Poskim negate the above exemption of not sleeping in the Sukkah in order to sleep in the same room with one’s wife. [Biur Hagr”a 639, brought in M”B 639:18; Kaf Hachaim 639:46] Other Poskim rule that the exemption only applies on the night of Onah. [M”B 639:18, based on M”A ibid]
[14] The reason: The reason a married man is exempt from sleeping in the Sukkah if he desires to sleep in the same room as his wife is because a husband is obligated to rejoice his wife during the festival and since women are exempt from [dwelling and sleeping in] the Sukkah [and they thus sleep at home] therefore, if the husband does not desire to sleep elsewhere and separate from his wife, it is considered that he is doing a Mitzvah, and whoever is involved in one Mitzvah is exempt from another Mitzvah, as explained in 640:18. Therefore, he is exempt from sleeping in the Sukkah at night. [Admur ibid; Taz ibid] Alternatively, the reason is because the Mitzvah of Sukkah is fulfilled by dwelling in it as a family, which includes one’s wife, just as one dwells in his home the entire year. Accordingly, if one does not have a private Sukkah in which he can sleep with his wife [and his wife thus will be sleeping at home] he is therefore exempt from sleeping in the Sukkah. [Rama ibid] Seemingly this means that one does not fulfill the Mitzvah of Teishvu Keiyn Taduru when one cannot sleep there with his wife as he does the entire year, and hence if he sleeps in the Sukkah alone he does not fulfill any Mitzvah. [See M”A ibid and explanation of Machatzis Hashekel in Rama and M”A who points to this understanding in Rama] Alternatively, [the Mitzvah is potentially fulfilled even when the husband sleeps there alone, however] when a husband cannot sleep with his wife in the same room he is distressed, and one who is in distress is exempt from the Mitzvah of Sukkah. [M”A ibid; See Machatzis Hashekel ibid that this is an alternative reason, and is not an explanation of the reason of the Rama ibid]
[15] Admur ibid; Taz ibid
The reason: As even when one’s wife is not pure it is possible to rejoice her when her husband secludes with her in a single room. [Admur ibid]
[16] Admur Hilchos Onah 32; Michaber 228:3; Rav in Bava Metzia 59a
[17] The reason: Since she is easily brought to tears, the G-dly retribution for verbally oppressing one’s wife is quick to come. [Admur ibid; See Michaber ibid; Gemara ibid] A woman has a sensitive nature and can be brought to tears with minor suffering, and Hashem does not close the gates to tears. [Smeh 228:5]
