Summary of Name Restrictions in Marriage due to Rav Yehuda Hachassid

Summary of Name Restrictions in Marriage due to Rav Yehuda Hachassid:[1]

For the full detailed article on the subject with more scenarios and opinions, see our corresponding Sefer Shemiras Hanefesh encyclopedia volume 1 chapter 15 Halacha 3

1. General rules of identical names:[2]

Second Names:[3] Whenever either party or parent has an additional name, the restriction does not apply, [provided the second name is actively used[4]]. [For example, if one is called Chaim Baruch, while the second is called Chaim, it is not a problem.]

Adding a name: Even if the parties share the same exact name, if a second name is added to one of them, it suffices.[5]

• Example: Two individuals are both named “Chaim.” One adds the name “Baruch” and becomes ” Baruch Chaim.” Now, even though both share the name “Chaim,” the restriction no longer applies because one has an additional, actively used name.

Nicknames and Added Names Due to Illness: If a nickname or secular name is commonly used[6], or a name was added due to illness[7], restrictions do not apply.

• Example: One person’s official name is “Dov Ber,” but everyone knows and refers to them as “Dovi.” If the other party is also named “Dov Ber” but not referred to by Dovi but rather by Berel, then restrictions do not apply.
• Example: “Yitzchak” uses the English name “Isaac”, while the other party is “Yitzchak.” Since “Isaac” is commonly used, the naming restriction do not apply.

How to add the name: A local Rav is to be consulted regarding the adding of the name, and in terms of which name to add.[8] The added name should be in Lashon Hakodesh.[9] The change of name is to take place during a Mi Shebeirach which is recited upon one of the family members receiving an Aliyah to the Torah.[10] A few Mi Shebeirach’s should take place using the newly added name.[11] After the naming, it would be best that a minimum of thirty days pass from the time the additional name is given to the time that the shidduch is concluded.[12] One must make sure that the second name remains in use and does become null and void according to Halacha [i.e. Lo Nishtakeia].[13] One is to thus sign using also the added name.[14]

How to call the person with the second or added name: The added name should become the first name of the person, with his original name following it.[15] Some Poskim[16] require the person to always be called by the new name to avoid confusion. Alternatively, both names can be used together.[17]  In practice, as long as the second name is officially recognized, it’s usually sufficient[18], though there are cases where more distinction is needed, such as signing names differently[19] or using both names to avoid overlap with others [20]

• Example: “Leah” and her mother in-law “Leah” are both active in the community. One officially becomes “Leah Miriam” and signs all documents as “Leah Miriam,” while others refer to her by both names, maintaining the distinction as required.

1. The problematic scenarios in matching names:

Matching Names Between Chasan/Kallah and In-Laws:[21]  If a groom shares a name with the bride’s father, or the bride with the groom’s mother, marriage should be avoided unless one person adds a name.[22] This restriction applies even if the parent is deceased.[23] Although there are many who are not careful in this[24], it has been witnessed that such marriages are not successful.[25] Some Poskim allow leniency with marriage restrictions due to shared names in cases where, the parent with the shared name is deceased[26], the couple or parents don’t live in the same city[27], the marriage is a second (Zivug Sheiyni)[28], the father consents[29], three rabbis grant permission[30]. Practically, the Chabad custom is to be stringent in this matter.[31] However, with regard to Sephardim, it is known that many Sephardic communities are not at all concerned about similar names of the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.[32] Furthermore, some Poskim[33] rule that even Ashkenazim may be lenient in this matter if they choose.

• Example: David wishes to marry Sarah. However, Sarah’s father is also named David. According to the custom described, this matching of names between the groom and the bride’s father is discouraged unless one of them adds a new name to distinguish between the two—for instance, David could become Chaim David.

Parents of Chasan and Kallah Share the Same Name:[34] If any of the parents of both sides have identical names, such as the mother of the Chasan and Kallah have the same name, or the father of the Chasan and Kallah have the same name, then such a match should be avoided. Some Poskim however are lenient in any of the following scenarios: if the parent is no longer alive[35], or the names are common[36], or the Chasan is a Torah scholar[37]. Practically, it is best to add a name to one of the parents.

• Example: Consider the case of David and Miriam, who are planning to get married. David’s mother is named Rachel, and Miriam’s mother is also named Rachel. According to the guidelines rooted in Rav Yehuda Hachassid’s teachings, it is best to avoid such a match, as both mothers share the identical name. However, if Miriam’s mother, after consulting with rabbinic authorities, adds the name Esther through a religious ceremony and begins to use it regularly—becoming Rachel Esther—the restriction is lifted, since the names are now distinct and the new name is actively used in daily life.

Chasan and Mother-in-Law or Kallah and Father-in-Law:[38]  There is generally no issue if a man and his mother-in-law share a name [i.e. Simcha], or a woman and her father-in-law share a name [i.e. Simcha].

Chasan and Kallah Share the Same Name:[39] A couple with exactly the same names should not marry [unless a name is added].

Second Marriages:[40] It is preferable not to marry a second spouse with the same name as the first spouse [unless a name is added]. [It is questionable whether this only applies to one who became widowed from his/her spouse or even to a person who was divorced from his/her spouse.[41]]

• Example: Imagine Michael, who was previously married to a woman named Leah and became widowed. Later, Michael wishes to marry another woman, also named Leah. According to the guidelines, it is preferred to avoid marrying a second spouse with the same name as the first. However, if Michael consults with rabbinic authorities and either he or his new fiancée adds a new name through a religious ceremony, and this new name becomes regularly used, then the concern is resolved, and the marriage may proceed.

Summary Table

[1] See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169; Nitei Gavriel Shidduchin 13-19; Shulchan Menachem 6:133-141

[2] See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:7-10 and footnote 7 in length and 179:4

[3] Ruling of Alter Rebbe, recorded in Igros Kodesh 15:520 and Yagdil Torah TT 22:6; Tzemach Tzedek Even Haezer 1:143 “There is no worry in the world at all, at all”; Piskei Dinim Y.D. 116; Beis Shearim Y.D. 196; Maharam Bris 1:129; Levushei Mordechai E.H, 44; Kerem Shlomo E.H. 2; Pischeiy Teshuvah E.H. 2:7; Chasam Sofer; Chasan Sofer; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 1:28; Minchas Yitzchak 7:109; Kaf Hachaim Y.D. 116:126; Mishmeres Shalom 116:16 in name of Rashak; Reb Sar Shalom of Belz; Shem Aryeh; Netza Shashuim; Heishiv Moshe; Shemira Meialya 50; Igros Kodesh 4:160; 349; 6:12; 8:239; 14:446; 15:127; 520; 16:329-330; 17:276; 18:136; 19:295; 24:55; 295; 400; 25:86; 29:271; Likkutei Sichos 24:460; Yagdil Torah Choveres 22:6; Imreiy Yaakov 10 Likkutim 8; See Darkei Teshuvah Y.D. 116:56

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even in the event that one of them have a second name, this alone does not suffice, and that person must from now on be called only by that second name in order to negate the worry. [Devar Moshe 58 in name of Sar Shalom of Belz; brought in Shemira Meialya 50 and Kaf Hachaim 116:126] Accordingly, some Poskim rule that today the change of a name no longer suffices as people do not call the person by the new name. [Igros Moshe E.H. 4]

[4] Igros Kodesh 19:295; Beis Hillel 75; See Shivim Temarim p. 73; Nitei Gavriel 18:4 footnote 8; Regarding when we say that a name becomes null and void: See Michaber E.H. 129; Sheimos Gittin 128

[5] Shulchan Haezer p. 16; Igros Kodesh 16:330; 18:136; 24:55; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:5

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it does not help to add a second name to one of the Mechutanim. [Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13]

[6] See Michaber E.H. 129 that a nickname or English name is considered a real name and must be written in the Get. See also Igros Kodesh 4:349 and Shulchan Menachem 6:140 that if he uses the similar name only for an Aliya and the like, then it falls under the allowance of the Tzemach Tzedek; See also Igros Kodesh Rayatz 10:148 that the main issue is only if they are both called by the same name; See Yagdil Torah N.Y. 25:167

[7] Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79, based on Pesachim 109a that an added name is only for positivity and not for detriment; Shemiras Hanefesh 88; Kaf Hachaim 116:129

[8] Igros Kodesh 16:330; 17:276 [Three Rabbanim are to Pasken to add a name]; 24:55; 295 [Rav of one’s Shul]; See the following Poskim regarding consulting three Rabbanim: Shulchan Haezer 1:14 footnote 3 in name of Levushei Mordechai E.H. 44; Avnei Tzedek E.H. 10; Maharsham 5:28

[9] Shulchan Menachem 6:139

[10] Igros Kodesh 16:329-330; 24:55

[11] Letter printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:135; Mikadeish Yisrael p. 148 that on one occasion the Rebbe instructed for the name to be called by three Mi Shebeirachs on Shabbos before the Tananim

^[12] Igros Kodesh 16:329; 17:276; 25:86; Likkutei Sichos 24:460 [Before engagement. No mention of 30 days]; Ohel Avraham 67; Shulchan Haezer 1:15; Levushei Mordechai O.C. 2:105; See Minchas Yitzchak ibid and Igros Moshe ibid; See Bava Kama 107b; Rama E.H. 120:3; Michaber C.M. 49:3; Mabit 2:52

[13] Igros Kodesh 19:295; Beis Hillel 75; See Shivim Temarim p. 73; Nitei Gavriel 18:4 footnote 8; Regarding when we say that a name becomes null and void: See Michaber E.H. 129; Sheimos Gittin 128

[14] Likkutei Sichos 24:460; Igros Kodesh 4:160; 17:277; 29:271; Shulchan Menachem 6:139

[15] Igros Kodesh 17:276

[16] Devar Moshe 58 in name of Sar Shalom of Belz; brought in Shemira Meialya 50 and Kaf Hachaim 116:126; Igros Kodesh Rashab 2:923

[17] Rebbe Rashab ibid

[18] See Igros Kodesh 6:12 that the Rebbe answered the person that there are no rules in this, and that he has not heard any directives in this, and hence one can do as he has done until now, [which was not to be particular to call the two people by different names and suffice with having the two names used for Aliyosand signing]; 16:330; 18:136; 19:295; 24:55 where such instructions are not recorded, and that simply have two names suffices.

[19] Igros Kodesh 29:271

[20] Igros Kodesh 8:239

[21] Tzavaas Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 26, 27 [23 in Mahadura Shivim Temarim] “[Due to Ayin Hara and danger] a man should not marry a woman whose father shares the same name as he [without a second name, as explained below]. Likewise, a woman should not marry a man whose mother shares the same name as her. If they do marry, then one of them should change their name, and perhaps there will be hope [for the marriage, otherwise the marriage is most likely doomed for failure].”; Mishnas Chassidim Miseches Chasuna 1:8; Pischeiy Teshuvah Y.D. 116:6; E.H. 2:7; 50:14; Chochmas Adam 123:13; Tzemach Tzedek E.H. 143 and Piskeiy Dinim  Y.D. 116 that the Alter Rebbe was very stringent with this Tzavah; Kitzur SHU”A 145:8; Yosef Ometz 37:3; Zechor Leavraham 3:190; Heishiv Moshe 69; Avnei Tzedek E.H. 4; Yifei Laleiv 4 E.H. 62:11; Peri Sadeh 1:69; Divrei Chaim E.H. 8; Shemiras Hanefesh 86; Kaf Hachaim Y.D. 116:125; Imreiy Yaakov 10 Likkutim 8; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:1-21 footnote 1 in name of many Poskim; All Poskim in coming footnotes who discuss details of this Tzavah and how to circumvent it; Rebbe in: Igros Kodesh 4:160; 349; 6:12; 8:239; 14:446; 15:127, 203, 520; 16:329-330; 17:276-277; 18:136; 19:295; 24:55, 295, 400; 25:86; 29:271; Likkutei Sichos 24:460; Yagdil Torah TT 22:6

[22] Tzavah ibid; See Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13; Zichron Yehuda Tinyana 149; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:8-9 footnote 8

The reason: The reason for this is because the wife will call her husband by the same name as her father. [Igros Kodesh 15:203]

[23] Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:16; Shivim Temarim 26:7; Heishiv Moshe 69; Shemira Meialya 50; Kaf Hachaim E.H. 116:127; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:14

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the warning only applies while the in laws are alive. [Lechem Shlomo E.H. 40; China Vechisda 2:225; Beis Yisrael 160; Even Harosha 31; Yifei Lalev 6:52]

[24] Regarding if one must protest against one who is lenient in this, see: Shivim Temarim Ayin 7; Yifei Laleiv 6:49; China Vechisda 2:226; Yabia Omer E.H. 2:7; Igros Moshe E.H. 4; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:21

[25] Yosef Ometz ibid; Zechor Leavraham ibid; Shemiras Hanefesh ibid; Kaf Hachaim ibid

[26] Lechem Shlomo E.H. 40; China Vechisda 2:225; Beis Yisrael 160; Even Harosha 31; Yifei Lalev 6:52

[27] Peri Hasadeh 69; Even Haroshe 31; See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:13; Nitei Gavriel ibid 14 footnote 12; See Igros Kodesh 15:127

[28] Peri Hasadeh 3:54; See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:19

[29] Mili Deavos 3 E.H. 10; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:17 footnote 20 in length

[30] See Shulchan Haezer 1:14 footnote 3 in name of Levushei Mordechai E.H. 44; Avnei Tzedek E.H. 10; Maharsham 5:28; Igros Kodesh 17:277

[31] Tzemach Tzedek E.H. 143 and Piskeiy Dinim  Y.D. 116 that the Alter Rebbe was very stringent with this Tzavah as its recorded in Mishnas Chassidim; See Igros Kodesh 24:400

^[32] Igros Kodesh 16:329; See Sdei Chemed Asifas Dinim Mareches Chasan Vekallah Os Hei; Yabia Omer 2 E.H. 7-12

[33] Chasam Sofer E.H. 1:116; Shem Aryeh; Igros Moshe E.H. 1:4; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:3 footnote 3

[34] Tzavaas Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 24; See there that it is questionable whether this directive of Rebbe Yehuda was for everyone or only for his descendants, and hence we are only careful in this due to doubt [See Shivim Temarim Basra 28; Even Yikara Kama E.H. 15; Makor Chesed footnote 36]; See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:1-9; Igros Kodesh 18:136

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule there is no need to suspect of this warning. [Divrei Chaim E.H. 1:8; Chasam Sofer Igros Sofrim 2:25]

[35] China Vechisda 2:225; Shulchan Haezer; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:6

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the warning applies even in this case. [Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13]

[36] Shem Mishimon E.H. 6

[37] Beis Dovid 55; Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:7

[38] Avnei Chefetz 16; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 171:2

[39] China Vechisda 2:225; Ruach Chaim E.H. 42:16; Sdei Chemed 5; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 171:1

[40] Azharos Nosafos Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 1; Chochmas Hanefesh of Rokeiach p. 22b; Shemiras Hanefesh in Shemira Meialya in name of Chochmas Adam; Kaf Hachaim 116:133; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 177

[41] See Shulchan Haezer 1:12 [leaves in question]; Mishneh Halachos 7:248 [applies to both]; Az Nidbaru 6:61 [applies only to widow]