10. Chasan and Kallah-When to sit Shiva if relative died right before or after the wedding:[1]

A. Relative died prior to the wedding:[2]

All relatives, other than father of the Chasan or mother of the of the Kallah, passed away: If the mother of the Chasan, or father of the Kallah, or any other relative which requires mourning[3], passed away before a wedding, then the wedding is to be delayed until the body is buried and the Shiva is completed. This applies even if the death occurred very close to the time of the wedding and rescheduling the wedding will cause a great loss.[4] [This applies even if the death took place after the Badekin.[5]] The burial is to take place right away and not be delayed. Immediately after the burial and Shiva the couple may get married and have the Sheva Brachos.

Father of the Chasan, or mother of the Kallah, passed away:[6] If the father of the Chasan passed away, then if all[7] the food for the wedding had already been cooked and prepared and it is not possible to sell the food and avoid a great loss[8], then the burial is delayed until after the Chuppah and Beilas Mitzvah.[9] Likewise, if the mother of the Kallah passed away and delaying the wedding will cause her a monetary loss of her makeup and ornaments which was already prepared[10], then the burial is delayed until after the Chuppah and the Beilas Mitzvah. [The above only applies if the deceased was not yet buried. If, however, the father/mother was already buried prior to the Chuppah, then they must begin Shiva immediately and delay the wedding until after the Shiva.[11] Likewise if the parent was buried after the Chuppah, but prior to the Beilas Mitzvah, then it is forbidden for them to have the Beilas Mitzvah until after the Shiva, and accordingly some Poskim[12] rule that they are to begin Shiva immediately.] After the initial marital relations of Beilas Mitzvah [in the permitted case above], the Chasan and Kallah separate from each other and are forbidden to have marital relations again [even prior to the burial[13]] until after the Shiva [which is two weeks later, as explained next]. [See Halacha C for the full detailed laws of intimacy and Yichud to be followed by the Chasan and Kallah throughout these two weeks.] After the wedding, the funeral/burial is to take place[14] [with the attendance of the Chasan/Kallah, if they desire[15]], and the Chasan and Kallah practice the seven days of Sheva Brachos. It is permitted for them to [rejoice[16] and] get a haircut and launder their clothing during all seven days.[17] [See Halacha B in Q&A for further details!] After the seven days of Sheva Brachos has ended, the Chasan or Kallah keep the seven days of Shiva. Nonetheless, throughout all the days of Sheva Brachos they are to keep the discreet laws of Aveilus that are kept during the Shabbos of Shiva.[18] The Shloshim is counted starting from the first day of Shiva [and not from the day of burial].[19] All the above only applies if one cannot avoid a great loss if the wedding is rescheduled, if however, it is possible to sell the food and avoid the loss, then it is forbidden to delay the burial and Shiva, and rather the wedding is to be delayed and rescheduled. [Practically, today the custom is to cancel the wedding in all cases that a relative has died, including a father or mother of the Chasan or Kallah.[20]]

B. Relative died during Sheva Brachos:[27]

Marital relations have already taken place:[28] If a relative passed away and was buried during the seven days of Sheva Brachos, and the couple already had marital relations, then the Chasan and Kallah are to complete the Sheva Brachos. After the seven days of Sheva Brachos has ended, the Chasan/Kallah is to keep the seven days of Shiva. [The first day of Shiva begins Motzei Sheva Brachos.[29]]

Marital relations have not yet taken place: If a relative passed away and was buried during the seven days of Sheva Brachos, prior to the couple having marital relations, then some Poskim[30] rule that they are to immediately begin Shiva.[31] Other Poskim[32], however, rule that the Chasan and Kallah are to complete the Sheva Brachos, and after the seven days of Sheva Brachos has ended, the Chasan or Kallah keep the seven days of Shiva. According to all, it is forbidden for the couple to have marital relations until after the Shiva.[33] [Practically, the Ashkenazi custom is like the first opinion[34] while the Sephardic custom is like the latter opinion.[35] Nonetheless, even for Ashkenazim, some are accustomed to rule that if the death occurred after several days of Sheva Brachos have been kept, then the Sheva Brachos is to be completed.[36]]

C. Laws related to Chasan and Kallah who will sit Shiva only after the conclusion of Sheva Brachos:

Whenever the Shiva will begin only after the conclusion of Sheva Brachos [in cases stated above in A-B], it is permitted for the Chasan and Kallah to [rejoice[37] and] get a haircut and launder their clothing throughout all seven days of Sheva Brachos.[38] They may likewise cut their nails.[39] Nonetheless, throughout all the remaining days of Sheva Brachos, they are to keep the discreet laws of Aveilus that are kept during the Shabbos of Shiva.[40]

Calculating the Shloshim:[41] Whenever the Shiva will begin only after the conclusion of Sheva Brachos, the Shloshim is counted starting from the first day of Shiva and not from the day of burial.

Marital relations/Harchakos/Yichud: See Halacha D for the full detailed laws of intimacy and Yichud to be followed by the Chasan and Kallah throughout the remainder of Sheva Brachos and Shiva.

D. The law of intimacy and Yichud in cases that Shiva is delayed until after the Sheva Brachos:[69]

Marital relations: The Chasan and Kallah are forbidden to have marital relations throughout the Sheva Brachos and Shiva. Thus, in the event that the death occurred before the Chuppah, and the burial was delayed until after the Chuppah and first marital relations [as explained in A] then they must separate after that initial marital relations and are forbidden in marital relations for the next two weeks, until after the Shiva. If the death occurred during the days of Sheva Brachos, then they are forbidden to have marital relations from that day and onwards until after the Shiva.

Yichud-Died during Sheva Brachos:[70] If a Chasan/Kallah became an Avel during their seven days of Sheva Brachos, in which case their Shiva begins after the seven days of Sheva Brachos, then if they already had marital relations prior to starting the Shiva, they follow the same restrictions as all other couples during Shiva. Thus, Yichud is permitted between the couple. If, however, the Chasan or Kallah did not have marital relations during the seven days of Sheva Brachos, prior to entering the Shiva, then they are forbidden in Yichud throughout [the remainder of Sheva Brachos[71] and throughout] the days of Aveilus [i.e. Shiva] whether on Shabbos or Yom Tov. Regarding if Yichud is permitted by day, and how many Shomrim are required at night-see next!

Yichud-Died before wedding:[72] In a case that the Chasan/Kallah became an Avel prior to the Chuppah, and we nevertheless allow the Chuppah and marital relations to take place [see Halacha A], they are forbidden in Yichud from after the marital relations until the end of Shiva, for a total of 14 days.[73] [Some Poskim[74], however, rule that this only applies if the Kallah was a Beula. If, however, she was a Besula, then since in any event she is forbidden due to Nidda, Yichud is permitted. Other Poskim[75], however, are stringent even in such a case to prohibit Yichud.]

Yichud by day, and how many Shomrim required: It is disputed amongst the Poskim as to whether Yichud is forbidden also during the day, or only at night.[76] It is likewise disputed as to whether two Shomrim are required at night to break the Yichud if they are sleeping in the same room/home, or only one suffices.[77] Practically, the custom is to require two Shomrim and have a male and female child[78] sleep with them in the room/home, or have them sleep in separate homes.[79]

Harchakos: In all cases that Yichud is forbidden, some Poskim[80] rule that other forms of Harchakos are also forbidden [even if she is not Nidda], such as pouring wine for him, and making his bed, and washing his face, hands, and feet, and the like. Other Poskim[81] however rule that other forms of Harchakos are permitted, including even hugging and kissing, [so long as she is not a Nidda[82]].

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[1] See Michaber 342 and 383:1; Kesubos 3b-4a; Pnei Baruch 30

[2] Michaber 343:1; Kesubos 4a

[3] See Chapter 12 for a list of all relatives who require mourning and the cases in which mourning is not required [i.e. infant, non-religious, etc]

[4] The reason: As the Sages did not allow delaying the Shiva, if the Chasan and Kallah have other relatives available who can reorganize the delayed wedding. [Michaber ibid]

[5] Taz 342:1

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that if the Badekening already took place, then one may continue with the Chuppah and Sheva Brachos, and practice Shiva after the seven days of Sheva Brachos. [Derisha 342, brought and negated by Taz ibid] Even according to this opinion, this only applies if the Chasan did the Badekening. [Degul Mirivava 342]

[6] Michaber 343:1; See also 383:2

The law if after the Sheva Brachos it will turn into a Shemua Rechokah: See Darkei Hachaim 7:5; Nitei Gavriel 2 38:16

[7] See Shach 342:1 that this is not literal, to mean all the foods, but rather enough foods or dishes to cause a loss. This is unlike Bach 342 who requires all the foods to have already been prepared.

[8] If, however, it is possible to sell the food and avoid the loss, then it is forbidden to delay the burial and Shiva, and rather the wedding is to be delayed and rescheduled. [Michaber ibid]

[9] The reason: Although we do not delay the burial/Shiva just in order to avoid a monetary loss, nevertheless, in this case it is allowed, as since the father of the Chasan has passed away he will not have anyone else available to help him in return to prepare for the wedding. [See Rama ibid]

If another relative also passed away: The above rule applies even if another relative also passed away, such as a relative of the Kallah. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 342:2]

[10] The loss refers to loss of her ornaments and makeup which was already prepared and thus cannot have its use delayed, as by this form of loss, the Kallah whose mother has just died will not have anyone to do these preparations for her. [Rama ibid]

[11] See Shach 342:2 in name of Ramban in Toras Habayis p. 24; Taz 342:2

The reason: As the Sages only allowed the Chuppah and Beilas Mitzvah to take place during the period of Aninus, and to then delay the Aveilus of Shiva, but not for it to take place during the period of Shiva which is more severe. [Shach ibid; Taz ibid]

[12] Taz 342:1; Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2 in name of Rosh, brought in Nekudos Hakesef 342

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that they are to first keep the seven days of Sheva Brachos, and only then keep Shiva. [Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2 in name of Maharitz Geios and other Poskim, brought in Nekudos Hakesef 342]

[13] Shach 342:3 in name of Ramban

[14] See Michaber ibid that the deceased is brought to the room and only afterwards is he buried

[15] See Shvus Yaakov 2:102 and Pischeiy Teshuvah 242:2

[16] See Shach 342:4

[17] Michaber 343:1; See Shach 342:4 that this applies even on the first day as the main ruling follows the Poskim who rule that the first day is Rabbinical

Other opinions: According to those Poskim who rule that the first day of Aveilus is Biblical, it is forbidden to do actions of Simcha on the first day if it is both the day of death and burial. [See Shach ibid; Taz 342:1 suspects for this opinion]

[18] Michaber ibid “Devarim Shebitzina”; See Chapter 20 for the full details of this matter.

[19] Michaber ibid; See Shach 342:10

[20] Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 342; Rashal Kesubos 4; Beir Heiytiv 342:3; Chasam Sofer 348 that so is custom today of all; Pischeiy Teshuvah 342:2; Chochmas Adam 154:3; Kitzur SHU”A 213:3; Aruch Hashulchan 342:5; Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 111:1; See Chochmas Adam 140

The reason: As today there are always other relatives and friends available to help the couple with the wedding, and hence the loss of the father or mother will not cause the wedding to be delayed indefinitely. [Shach ibid]

[21] See Michaber 402:12; Nitei Gavriel 16:25 and Nessuin 111:6; Chapter 12 Halacha 2

[22] Chochmas Adam 154:5; Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 111:5

[23] Chochmas Adam ibid based on Sefer Chassidim 744

[24] Taz 392:5 in name of Rabbeinu Tam that we never allow an Avel to marry during the Shiva even if the needs of the wedding have already been prepared and delaying it will cause a great loss

[25] Meir Nesivim 79, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 392:6

[26] Tuv Taam Vadaas Gimel 245 vehemently negates this allowance; Many Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 15:1 footnote 1 and so he concludes; See Pnei Baruch 32 footnote 7; Igros Moshe 227

[27] See Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 22:2, brought in Nekudos Hakesef 342:1

The law by an Alman and Almana: See Rav Akiva Eiger 342 who implies that perhaps they always finish their Sheva Brachos; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 111:10 footnote 16

[28] Taz 342:1 [see also Taz 399:2]; Rav Akiva Eiger 342; Degul Mirivava 342; Rambam 11:7; Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2 in name of bother sets of Poskim, brought in Nekudos Hakesef 342, implies that all the Poskim agree that when relations have taken place, all they are to first complete the Sheva Brachos before sitting Shiva; Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 111:8

[29] See Kneses Hagedola 342; Daas Kedoshim 342:3; Har Tzevi Y.D. 265; Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 114:8

[30] Taz 342:1; Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2 in name of Rosh, brought in Nekudos Hakesef 342; Chochmas Adam 155:3; Kitzur SHU”A 213:3-4; Siddur Yaavetz; Darkei Hachaim 5:13; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 111:2 footnote 3

Is there a difference between the first day of Sheva Brachos versus the other days according to this opinion: Some learn that if the death occurred a few days into Sheva Brachos, then the Sheva Brachos is to be completed even according to this opinion. [See Gesher Hachaim ibid; Mayim Rabim 60; Kesav Sofer ibid; Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 111:2 footnote 5]

[31] The reason: As a) It is unfair to the Kallah to push off the first marital relations, known as Beilas Mitzvah, for the remainder of Sheva Brachos and Shiva. [Taz ibid]; b) The festival status of the Sheva Brachos do not begin until after the Beilas Mitzvah, and hence since it did not yet begin, they cannot delay the Shiva. [Rosh ibid]

[32] Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2 in name of Maharitz Geios and other Poskim, brought in Nekudos Hakesef 342; Derisha 342, brought in Taz ibid [regarding if Badekening was done, and certainly if Chuppah was done]; Kneses Hagedola 342:9; Peri Chadash 342; Zekan Aaron 100; Yaavetz 176; Zera Emes 2:149; Chaim Bayad 108; Kesav Sofer 176 in name of his father the Chasam Sofer; Yabia Omer 6:34; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 11:2 footnote 4

[33] See Taz ibid; Sdei Chemed Aveilus 216; See Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 111:3

[34] Gesher Hachaim 19:7; Gavriel Nissuin 111:2 footnote 4

[35] Yabia Omer ibid; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 111:2 footnote 5

[36] See Gesher Hachaim ibid; Mayim Rabim 60; Kesav Sofer ibid; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 111:2 footnote 5

[37] See Shach 342:4

[38] Michaber 343:1; See Shach 342:4 that this applies even on the first day as the main ruling follows the Poskim who rule that the first day is Rabbinical; Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 113:6 adds that they may also cut their nails

Other opinions: According to those Poskim who rule that the first day of Aveilus is Biblical, it is forbidden to do actions of Simcha on the first day if it is both the day of death and burial. [See Shach ibid; Taz 342:1 suspects for this opinion]

[39] Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 113:6

[40] Michaber ibid “Devarim Shebitzina”; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 113:5; See Chapter 20 for the full details of this matter; This is with exception to Torah learning, as stated in Q&A!

[41] Michaber ibid; Rambam Avel 10:7; See Shach 342:10

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the Shloshim is counted from the day of burial even in such a case. [Raavad on Rambam ibid]

Relative was buried on Yom Tov/Chol Hamoed: If the passing occurred during Yom Tov/Chol Hamoed then the general rule is that although the Shiva is begun only after the Yom Tov, the Shloshim is begun from the day of burial. Nevertheless, this is with exception to a Chasan/Kallah who begin it only after they complete Sheva Brachos, and not from the day of burial. [Taz O.C. 548:2 and Y.D. 399:2 in negation of Masas Binyamin; Kitzur SHU”A 219:8; M”B 548:27; Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 114:1]

[42] Nitei Gavriel 13:5 in name of Ritva and Shita Mekubetzes Kesubos 3b and Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 111:9; Sdei Chemed Aveilus 216; Gesher Hachaim 19:7; 2:15-3; Unlike ruling brought in name of Rav Moshe Feinstein.

[43] Igros Moshe 226; See Taz 342:1; Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 111:11 footnote 17

[44] Pnei Yehoshua 2:40; Rav Poalim 4:39; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel Nessuin 111:11 footnote 18

[45] See Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 114:2

[46] Kneses Hagedola Likkutim in name of Eidus Beyaakov 11, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 342; Mechzeh Avraham 16:29; China Vichisda 1 p. 56; Sdei Chemed Aveilus 184; Mishmeres Shalom Ches 52; Yabia Omer 6:34

[47] Rav Akiva Eiger 342 questions ruling of Poskim ibid and concludes with Tzaruch Iyun; Zera Emes 2:149; Darkei Noam 1:8; Rav Poalim Y.D. 4:39; Gesher Hachaim 19:7

[48] See Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 114:3

[49] Sdei Chemed Aveilus 75 and 216; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 8

[50] Tuv Taam Vadaas Telisah 2:238; Yosef Daas Y.D. 375:5; Beis Shlomo 2:221; Eretz Tzvi Teumim Y.D. 59; Beis David Y.D. 176; Chaim Bayad 118

[51] See Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 112:1

[52] Maharil Nessuin; Kneses Hagedola Y.D. 342:4; Beis Lechem Yehuda 342; Zera Emes 2:149; Chochmas Adam 154:4; Kitzur SHU”A 213 in Lechem Hapanim; Yifei Laleiv 342:8; Mishmeres Shalom Kuf 87

[53] Sheilas Yaavetz 2:185; Daas Kedoshim 342; Siddur Beis Oveid 7; Har Tzevi 265

[54] The reason: This is similar to the law that Keriah is done on Chol Hamoed on behalf of a parent. [Poskim ibid]

[55] Sdei Chemed Aveilus 216; Nitei Gavriel ibid

[56] Nitei Gavriel ibid 2 in name of Gesher Hachaim

[57] See Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 112:3

[58] Nitei Gavriel ibid in name of Gesher Hachaim 19:6; Yalkut Yosef Aveilus

[59] See Shvus Yaakov 2:102 and Pischeiy Teshuvah 242:2; Chochmas Adam 154:4; Aruch Hashulchan 342:8; Mishmeres Shalom Lamed 14; Sdei Chemed Aveilus 216; Gesher Hachaim 19:7; Betzel Hachochmah 2:44; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 112:4

[60] See Shvus Yaakov 2:102 and Pischeiy Teshuvah 242:2 from which it is implied that it is permitted to attend even the burial in today’s times being that they are not particular to remain in their homes throughout Sheva Brachos

[61] Sdei Chemed Aveilus 216 in name of Maharil; Ikarei Hadaat 36:12; Mishmeres Shalom Lamed 14; Gesher Hachaim 19:7; Betzel Hachochmah 2:44; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 112:4

[62] Zekan Aaron 108, brought in Ikarei Hadaat 35:14; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 112:5 [see footnote 9 for other opinions]

[63] See Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 113:7 footnote 10

[64] Chaim Bayad 7:10; Sdei Chemed Chasan Vekalah 16; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 113:3

[65] Igros Moshe O.C. 4:21; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 113:8

[66] Chaim Bayad 108; Yalkut Yosef; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 112:6

[67] Gesher Hachaim 19:7; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 112:7; However, see regarding Yom Tov and Chol Hamoed that the mourners may be comforted: Machazik Bracha 287:2; Kaf Hachaim 283:3; Chapter 16 Halacha 2!

[68] Daas Kedoshim 342:4 [see there regarding if burial occurred on last day of Sheva Brachos]; Gesher Hachaim 18:4; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 113:1; So is ruled also regarding if the burial took place during Chol Hamoed, in which case the burial is delayed until after Yom Tov. See Chapter 18 Halacha 3!

[69] Michaber 342:1; 383:2; Kesubos 3b-4a

[70] Michaber 383:2

[71] See B for a dispute as to when they should start the Shiva in such a case.

[72] Michaber 342:1; 383:2

[73] Michaber ibid and ibid “He is to sleep amongst the men while she is to sleep amongst the women”

The reason: As the Sages were lenient and permitted them to enter the Chuppah and have marital relations despite the start of Aninus, and thus allowed him to delay the Aveilus until after the seven days of Sheva Brachos. Now, since this leniency can potentially lead to them being lax in the laws of Aveilus during the Shiva, therefore the Sages were stringent to prohibit Yichud in such a case. However, in a case that the Chasan/Kallah became an Avel only after the Chuppah, since there is no need to be lenient, as the Chuppah has legally preceded the Aveilus, therefore there is no reason to prohibit them in Yichud during the Shiva. [Shach 383:3; 342:6, unlike Levush]

[74] Shach 342:7 in name of Bach; 192:13; Nekudos Hakesef 342 in name of Rosh, Rabbeinu Yerucham, Rama 192, and Beis Yosef

[75] Taz 342:3

[76] Rama 342:1 records two opinions: Some say Yichud is forbidden even by day. [1^st opinion in Rama ibid; Tur 342 in name of Rosh]; Others say it is permitted by day. [2^nd opinion in Rama ibid; Tur 342 in name of Ravaad]

[77] Rama ibid records two opinions: Some say only one Shomer is required. [1^st opinion in Rama ibid; Tur 342 in name of Rosh]; Others say two Shomrim are required. [2^nd opinion in Rama ibid; Tur 342 in name of Ravaad]

[78] This refers to a child who is old enough to understand intimacy but will not himself fall prey to it. [Shach 342:9 in name of Bach; See Michaber E.H. 22]

[79] Rama ibid and that if they sleep in separate rooms [i.e. homes] they do not need any Shemirah; Shach 342:8; See Rama 192:4

[80] Shach 342:5 regarding a Kallah being prohibited in Mezigas Hakos and Hatzaas Hamitah; Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2, Rosh Kesubos

[81] Tur 342 in name of Raavad, brought in Shach ibid; Implication of Rosh and Michaber 342

[82] Taz 342:3