Women-Is a woman obligated to honor her father and mother?[1]
Both men and women are equally obligated to honor and fear their father and mother.[2] This is with exception to a married woman, as will be explained next.
A married woman: A married[3] woman is exempt from [fulfilling the acts of] the command of honoring[4] her father and mother, being that she is subjugated to her husband[5] [i.e. Reshus Acheirim Aleha] and is hence unable to fulfill this command.[6] [Thus, a husband’s wishes come before that of her parents even regarding those matters in which the wife is not subjugated to her husband.[7] If, however, her husband is not particular about her continuing to honor her parents, then her obligation to honor them remains just like a man.[8] Furthermore, it is praiseworthy for the husband to instruct his wife explicitly to precede the wishes of her father and mother prior to his.[9] Practically, we assume that the husband is not particular unless he explicitly instructs the wife otherwise. Thus, a wife is to fulfill her fathers or mothers needs prior to her husband’s, unless she explicitly heard from her husband otherwise, or it can be assumed that in such a case the husband would not compromise on being preceded.[10]]
A divorcee or widow:[11] The above exemption of a married woman applies only so long as she is still married, however, if she becomes divorced or widowed then she becomes obligated in the command to honor her father and mother just like a man.
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Q&A Which types of honor is a married woman exempt from?[12] She is exempt from all types of honors even those which she is not obligated to provide for her husband. Nevertheless, all those honors that she is able to do for her parents without diminishing from her husband’s needs, she must continue to do on behalf of her parents.[13] Thus, she must still stand on their behalf when they enter the room [unless they forgive their honor]. Certainly, she is still required to speak with her parents respectfully as doing so will not diminish any of her husband’s needs.[14] Matters related to fearing one’s parents:[15] A married woman is only exempt from matters of honor and not from matters of fear that she is obligated to have towards her parents. Accordingly, it still remains for a married woman to sit in her parents’ place, or contradict their word, or call them by name. However, she’s not obligated to listen to the instructions of her parents when they contradict the honor or instructions of her husband.[16] If a married woman is staying by her parents, is she obligated in her parents’ honor? If a married woman is staying by her parents without her husband, then she is obligated in their honor.[17] Furthermore, some Poskim[18] rule that she is obligated in their honor if her husband is there. Other Poskim[19], however, rule that she is exempt from honoring them even when she is staying by her parents and her husband is not with her. May husband prevent his wife from talking with her parents?[20] No. May husband prevent his wife from visiting her parents?[21] No. Must a married woman help support her parents who are poor? Yes, as will be explained in Chapter 5.
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[1] Michaber 240:17; Rambam Mamrim 6:6; Mishneh Kiddushin 29a “All positive commands that are not time-dependent both men and women are equally obligated in”; Kiddushin 30b; Tosefta Kiddushin 1:8; Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:48; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 422
[2] The source: This is learned from the verse “Ish Imo Veaviv Tirau”, with the word Tirau/fear being in plural, thus implying that both a son and daughter are obligated to honor their parents. [Braisa in Kiddushin 30b; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 683]
[3] This refers to a Nessua, however, an Arussa who still lives by her father’s home is obligated in his honor. [Divrei Shalom 1:111; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 422 footnote 707
[4] Seemingly she is certainly exempt from doing the acts of fear towards her parents, as the expounding of this exemption is learned specifically from the command involving fear. However, see Q&A below that the Poskim rule that she is obligated in fear.
[5] Michaber ibid; Rambam ibid; Kiddushin ibid; Rashba Kesubos 39a; Perisha 240:25
The meaning of this statement: Some write that this means that the husband has authority over her in place of her parents, as she needs to provide him with his needs at all times. [Tosafus HaRashba ibid in name of his teacher and Tosafus Harosh ibid; Riy brought in Tosafus Yesheinim ibid; Perisha ibid; Implication of Michaber ibid and Beis Yosef Y.D. 240 who write that she is Meshubedes Lebaalah; Gur Aryeh Kiddushin 30b and Meshivas Nafesh 1:16-3 that since we rule that Kibbud is Mishel Av, therefore, the husband does not need to give his wife over to serve her parents; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 698 and 708] Others however negate this reason as a woman is only Rabbinically Meshubad to work for her husband, and hence they write that the exemption of the married woman is because she is simply not found by her parents. [Tosafus Kiddushin 30b; Tosafus Rashba and Tosafos Yesheinim ibid who personally question the previous opinion; See Divrei Shmuel Derush 11; Igros Moshe O.C. 1:158 that Biblically she is required to be in her husband’s home; Tzafichas Bedevash 54 that Biblically she is still obligated and it is the Sages who uprooted her obligation; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 701-705]
[6] The scriptural source: This is learned from the use of the term “Ish” in the verse mentioned above, to teach us that only a man remains constantly obligated to honor the parents while a women’s obligation can sometimes be revoked. [Braisa in Kiddushin 30b]
[7] Igros Moshe Y.D. 1:255
[8] Shach 240:19
[9] Sefer Chassidim 335
[10] Chayeh Adam 67:17; Kitzur SHU”A 143:13; See Chinuch 33
[11] Michaber ibid; Rambam ibid; Rav Idi Bar Avin in Kiddushin 30b “Rav Idi Bar Avin states that the above exemption of a married woman applies only so long as she is still married, however, if she becomes divorced then she becomes obligated in the command to honor her father and mother just like a man.”
[12] Igros Moshe Y.D. 1:255
[13] Pirush Hamishnayos Rambam Kiddushin 1:7 [29a]; Ralbag Parshas Yisro; Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 424
[14] Ralbag Parshas Yisro; Sefer Morah Horim Ukevoda 7:11 in name of Rav Elyashiv; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 424; However, see Mishneh Halachos 7:153
[15] Chareidim Asei 9 Asei 1:26; Mizrachi Vayikra 19:3; Karban Aaron on Toras Kohanim 19:3; Rishon Letziyon 240:17; Maharsha Kiddushin 34a; Chasdei Dovid on Tosefta Kiddushin 1:8; Mishneh Halachos 7:153; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 424 footnote 715
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that a married woman is not obligated in fearing her parents, just as she is exempt from honoring them. [Maharitz Geiso in Teshuvos Hageonim 120; Maharal in Gur Aryeh Kedoshim 19:3; Meiah Shearim 341; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 424]
[16] Mahritz Geios Teshuvos Hageonim 120; Maharal in Gur Aryeh Kedoshim 19:3 and in Agados Kiddushin ibid; Sefer Hamakneh Kiddushin 31b; Maharam Shick Kiddushin 30b; Biurei Rav Perlow on Rasag 9; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 424 footnote 719
[17] Rameh Mipano 89; Divrei Shmuel Derush 11 according to opinion of Tosafus that the exemption is because she is in her husband’s house
[18] Chidushim Kadmonim Kiddushin 30b
[19] Tzapichis Bedevash 54; Divrei Shmuel Derush 11 according to opinion of Riy that the exemption is because she is subjugated to her husband; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 422 footnote 706
[20] Mishneh Halachos 7:153
[21] Michaber E.H. 74:9; Rambam Ishus 13:14; Semag Lavin 81 [once or twice a month]
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