1. The superiority of femininity in the future: [Likkutei Torah Tzav]

Scripture states “Hakol Kol Yaakov/and the voice is the voice of Yaakov.” In today’s times, the voice comes from the man, from the aspect of masculinity. Man is the giver, the Mashpia, and the woman is the receiver, the Mikabel. The bride does not have a voice as the aspect of Malchus only receives. It is for this reason that when the groom says to his bride under the wedding canopy the words “Harei At Mekudeshes Li Bitabas Zu/and you shall be consecrated to me with this ring,” the bride is silent, as she does not have a voice. However, in the future era the aspect of Malchus will become elevated so that “Eishes Chayil Ateres Balah/A woman of valor will become the crown of her husband.” This is due to the fact that the aspect of Malchus will have gone through its full state of refinement of the lower worlds in elevating the divine sparks. Hence not only will it have a voice, but it will become the Mashpia to the male. On this it says “Kol Kallah, the voice of the bride, as in the future the bride will become the Mashpia.

• The divine lesson: In the delicate relationship of man and women, husband and wife, it is both common and natural for the man to take the authoritative and domineering position in the relationship, in which he is the giver and the wife is the receiver. This can be found in many aspects of a marriage relationship, starting with the traditional roles of responsibility with the husband being the breadwinner and the wife the child bearer and caretaker of the home, and ending with the husband being the emotional giver of love in the relationship and the wife the receiver of that emotion of love. The husband wants to give the love and the wife wants to receive the love. This is the secret chemistry of a happy marriage. This is an exact replica of the situation today in which the feminine aspect of Malchus receives, and wants to receive, from the masculine aspect of Z”a who gives, and wants to give. This however can mistakenly lead a husband to believe that a wife truly has nothing to give and is only there to receive. He may view his wife as vulnerable and weak being that she yearns for his attention and to receive from him and is dependent on him for so much. The same applies with the wife herself, who may not believe or be aware of her place as a giver and see herself only as a receiver. In truth, however, the aspect of receiver is only a temporary and external feminine trait, as in truth, a woman has a lot of inner strength not only of her own but to be able to give and share with others. Men do not have to wait until the future era to begin benefiting from the advantage of the feminine aspect found within their wives and already today can take advantage of receiving from the intense power that women have to offer and give to their husbands. Just as a woman has ability to take the seed of the husband and develop it into a child, so too, she has ability to take his ideas and vulnerabilities to a level of healthy maturity. This is why the sages^[1] state that one is to take advice from his wife.
• The above can be found in scripture: Regarding Yitzchak, it states that he was consoled for his mother’s death when he married his wife Rivka.[2] How was it possible for a three-year-old girl to console a 40-year-old man after the passing of his mother who nurtured and loved him from young? Can a wife, who is 37 years one’s younger and only three years old, provide such nurture and consolement? So the answer is yes. How so? The answer lies in the feminine warmth and comfort that only a woman can give to and share with her husband. Indeed, while it is hard to admit and express due to male and masculine pride, men also have a vulnerable part of their heart and emotions that need comforting, in which they become the Mikabel while the woman becomes the Mashpia. In truth, this is an explicit verse of Scripture[3] which states regarding the creation of Chava the first woman and wife of Adam, “Al Kein Yaazov Ish Es Aviv Vies Imo Vedavuk Beishto/And therefore man is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.” The Pirkei Derebbe Eliezer[4] states based on this that until a man gets married his love goes after his parents and once he gets married his love goes after his wife. Now, seemingly the love between a parent and child versus the love between a husband and wife are complete opposites. From one’s parents one is the receiver of love and affection, and in marriage the husband is the giver of love and affection, so why can’t he retain both? The explanation is that in truth in marriage man can also find the parental love he received, and receive love in the relationship which can take the place of the natural parental love that he once received.
• How to get a woman to give: To ensure that a husband can receive from his wife the husband must make sure that his wife’s natural yearning to be a receiver from his love has been properly quenched through him giving her love and affection. Only then can she then focus on being a Mashpia to her husband to quench his vulnerabilities for receiving love.
• Not a full time Mashpia: Despite the above, however, the time is not yet ripe for the woman to take the full control and become the full-time Mashpia, as this will only occur in the future, and indeed traditional healthy marriages retain the chemistry of the wife being the main Mikabel from her husband, who is the main Mashpia. It is only on occasion that the roles are switched even today, and that the husband and wife should be open to the switching of rules for their own benefit. On this note, Rabbi Simcha Kohen, one of the foremost Orthodox marriage counselors in Israel states in interview that in his view the leading cause behind higher divorce rates in the ultra-Orthodox community in Israel is due to the switching of roles of the husband and wife in this community. It used to be that the husband works or receives a large Kolel stipend and the wife stays home, however, today many husbands learn in Kolel with a small stipend and it is the wife who works and supports the family. This switching of roles can cause the wife to lose her ability of being submissive to her husband and break the Mashpia-Mikabel dynamic in the relationship. This can eventually lead to a severe lack of chemistry in the marriage which ends in divorce.

[1] 2^nd answer/Lishna in Bava Metzia 59a “People say: If your wife is shorter than you, bend down and whisper in her ear [to ask her advice]…this refers to material matters.”; Sefer Chassidim 135

[2] See Parshas Chayeh Sarah 25:67 “and Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah and he took Rebecca and she was to him a wife and he loved her and Isaac became consoled after his mother” and Rashi there “It is the way of the world that so long as a man’s mother is alive he is bound to her, and when she dies he takes comfort with his wife.”

[3] Bereishis 2:24

[4] Chapter 32