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7. The Maximum frequency:

The above listed frequencies of Onah, from Halacha 1 through 5, were all in reference to the husband’s minimum obligation of intercourse, and not regarding the maximum frequencies of intercourse allowed between the couple. The following Halacha will deal with the maximum amounts of intercourse that the couple may engage in. 

A. The letter of the law versus encouraged act:

Letter of law:[1] [From the letter of the law in respect to the laws of intimacy] a man may have relations with his wife whenever he wants [and however many times he wants, so long as his wife consents[2] and the circumstances are permitted according to Halacha,[3] and he is not prohibited from having intercourse at greater frequencies than the minimum frequencies of Onah explained above].

Recommended limitation: Nonetheless, a person should not overindulge in intercourse, to be intimate with his wife constantly, as this matter is very repugnant and is the way of ignoramuses [and likewise may transgress the positive commandment of Kedoshim Tihiyu, as well as make him fit to be placed into excommunication, as explained next in B and C]. Rather, whoever diminishes in intercourse is praised, so long as he does not skip his wife’s established times of Onah without her consent.[4] Thus, one should not have more intercourse than his minimum frequency of obligatory Onah [unless there is a justifiable reason for it, as will be explained in C].[5] This applies for both the layman and the Torah scholar.[6] In B, we will elaborate the compiled reasons for diminishing intercourse and not overindulging, despite the letter of the law allowance.

May the wife be overindulgent in her quest for intimacy?[7] The above instruction is relevant also to the wife, as they too are included in the Mitzvah of Kedoshim Tihyu, as discussed next. Hence, just as men are encouraged to avoid having intercourse more frequently than required, so too women are encouraged to not seek it too often from their husbands, more than necessary. Some women become addicted to intercourse and overly request it, or seduce it, from their husbands. This is certainly unhealthy, both for the husband and the wife. Hence, the wife is to also try to not ask for it more than necessary. However, in this regard, necessary means that she feels a longing, need and yearning for closeness with her husband, in which case, she may dress up in a way to entice him. However, if she simply has a strong drive and always desires intercourse for the sake of its pleasure, then certainly she is encouraged to control her lusts and sanctify herself with what is permitted, just as is required from a man.

B. Reasons to diminish frequencies of intercourse:

*For the general necessity and advantage of sanctifying oneself during intimacy, and the damage that lack thereof does to oneself and one’s children – see Chapter 1 Halachas 2-6 at length! The following will focus specifically on the subject of limiting the frequency of intimacy, and does not come to exclude the information already discussed in the above chapter which is certainly relevant here as well.

The Mitzvah of Kedoshim Tihiyu – Limiting intercourse:[8] From the verses of, “Kedoshim Tihiyu/Be Holy”[9] and “Vihiskadeshtem Veheyisem Kedoshim,”[10] some Rishonim[11] learn that it is a positive commandment (listed as one of the 613 Mitzvos) to sanctify oneself with the permitted. Specifically, this commandment refers to sanctifying oneself with intimacy, such as, not to do it too often.[12] All Poskim[13] agree that at the very least there is a Rabbinical requirement to sanctify oneself with the permitted.[14] The accepted ruling of Chassidus, as is evident from various talks of the Chabad Rabbe’im, is that it is a Biblical commandment.[15] [Accordingly, that which was explained above, that from the letter of the law one may have intimacy whenever he desires, is only from the aspect of the detailed laws of intimacy. However, from the aspect of the general commandment of Kedoshim Tihyu, there are certainly limitations on the frequencies, just as is applicable to all pleasures. A similar analogy is the eating of ice cream. While there is no Kashrus restriction on eating Kosher ice cream when one is not Fleishig, and one may eat however much he desires whenever he desires, nonetheless, overindulgence is not healthy nor recommended and falls under the commandment of Kedoshim Tihyu, as explained above.]

A small limb that, when satisfied, becomes hungry – Overindulgence can kill intimacy, create addiction, and cause one to search for non-Kosher outlets:[16] The Sages[17] state that, “There is a small limb of a man that when he satiates it, it gets hungry, and when he starves it, it is satiated.” [Literally, this means that one increases in marital relations, he causes himself to have an even greater lust for relations.[18] Additionally, this means that one who increases in marital relations releases his energy and causes himself to feel weak in his older years.[19] One who has relations by both night and day is considered to be over-satiating himself.[20] Some[21] learn that the above saying of the Sages is only referring to forbidden relations; that forbidden relations never satisfy one’s lusts, while permitted relations, such as with one’s wife, does satisfy one’s lusts. This is due to another Talmudic statement that Hashem took the pleasure of Tashmish and handed it to the forbidden relations.[22] Accordingly, it is proper to not have relations too often, as doing so will satiate one’s desires and reduce the lust one has for his wife. Having intimacy too often turns the entire act into a robotic and unemotional lustful bond of bodies and removes the love and passion from the act, making the husband feel unsatisfied and the wife feel used. When the couple loses interest in the intimacy due to its lack of fire and passion, they will search for other non-Kosher methods to ignite their passion, when in truth all that’s necessary is a few days of abstinence and a reigniting of the love.[23] The killing of the passion for intimacy of a couple caused by overindulgence can lead to exposure to pornographic material, and in extreme cases, to infidelity. See Chapter 1 Halacha 5J for further details on this matter!] 

Semen is the energy of life – Not to overindulge:[24] The seed of man is the strength of his body and the light of his eyes. The more often that one releases seed, the greater the corrosion of the body and the loss of [quality of] life. Whoever overindulges in intercourse brings old-age upon himself, weakens his energy, dims his eyes, and causes bad odor to dissipate from his mouth. The hair of his beard, underarms, and feet grow in abundance, and his teeth fall out. Many more pains and illnesses, other than those listed above, also befall him as a result. The doctors and medical scientists relate that one in a 1000 dies from other illnesses, while a thousand die from overindulgence in intercourse. Accordingly, one must be very careful in this matter. [In addition to the above, man’s sperm is garnered from all the limbs of his body; and thus when it is released, it causes fatigue within the entire body.[25]]

Too much intercourse is like too much eating:[26] Intercourse is similar to eating in many ways, including regarding its frequencies. Just as one who eats too much is damaging his body, so too regarding one who engages in too much intercourse.

Hiskadshus – The pertinence of sanctification of intimacy for Chabad Chassidim: Chabad demands Iskafya: In the age-old philosophy of Chabad Lubavitch, great emphasis has always been placed on the concept of Iskafya in Avodas Hashem and that one should not delve into even the permitted. As Chassidim would recall, “The forbidden is forbidden, and the permitted is superfluous.”[27] And as the Rebbe Rashab writes, “Chassidim made a soul resolution that whatever is permitted and they have a desire for, they will not do.”[28] The Rebbe Rashab, in his famous talk to the students of Tomchei Temimim, whom he named “Chayalei Beis David,” states that one must go to spiritual war to bring Moshiach, which requires one to give a divorce document to one’s wife.[29] The Rebbe explains this to mean that one must divorce himself from all superfluous pleasures, including those done with one’s wife.[30] Prevents one from serving Hashem in the Chabad mode of Avoda:[31] The often quoted Chovos Halevavos[32] states that it is not possible for man to juggle both physical and spiritual lusts, and hence when his mind is involved in chasing after physical lusts, his spiritual lusts remain dormant. Accordingly, it would be the antitheses of the living philosophy of Chabad for a Chassid to allow himself to become indulgent in the permitted, as it would eat away at his ability to become spiritually sensitive and reach a passionate love of G-d. The goal of all Chassidus is Avoda, and the goal of Avoda is for a Jew to refine his character by burning the forbidden desires and his evil characteristics within the flame of passion and love for Hashem, which is acquired through deep contemplation of the greatness of G-d. This can only be achieved by a heart that is sensitive to G-dliness. However, if the heart is already married to physical lusts, he will not be able to develop any tangible and true feelings for Hashem during Avoda, and hence will kill his ability to live in accordance to Chabad philosophy. The Alter Rebbe demands sanctification in the bedroom: The Alter Rebbe, both in Tanya and his other Sefarim of Chassidic discourses, makes mention of the need to sanctify oneself during intimacy. It is not coincidental that the second chapter of Tanya already contains a number of lines discussing the subject, emphasizing how the character of one’s children is dependent on it. He later (in Tanya Chapter 7 [from Luach Hatikkun]) states that one who does not sanctify himself causes that his drops become trapped in Kelipos r”l. Likewise, his son, the Mittler Rebbe, also makes mention several times regarding the need to sanctify oneself during intimacy.[33] Other damages of frequent intercourse Quantity compromises quality: High quantities of intimacy lead to low quality of intimacy [lust; infidelity]. Low quantity brings high quality [happy wife and happy husband]. Man is controlled by his wife:[34] When a husband is overindulged in the lust for intercourse, he causes that his wife is able to control him, and loses the benefit of “Vehu Yimshol Bach.”

C. How much is too much – The Justifiable reasons for having intercourse [more often than one’s minimum Onah obligation]:[35]

1. Fulfill obligation of Onah – Minimum frequency, Mikveh night, Wife desires, Travel: In addition to one’s obligatory minimum frequency of Onah [i.e. twice a week for average individuals, as explained in Halacha 2], one is also required to have intimacy with his wife whenever she beautifies herself for him and desires his attention, or on the night of Mikveh, or prior/post travel, as explained in Halacha 3.
2. Fulfill Mitzvah of Peru Urevu:[36] One may have intercourse more often than his minimum Onah obligation for the sake of his wife conceiving and becoming pregnant.
3. During pregnancy-for the benefit of the child:[37] One may have intercourse within the last six months of pregnancy with the intent to enhance the features of the child, as intercourse of the last six months is beneficial for the child to come out further developed. If one has intercourse for this reason alone, it suffices.
4. To prevent forbidden thoughts, save oneself from sinning with women or Zera Levatala:[38] It is permitted to have relations for the purpose of saving oneself from sinning [with another woman, or from forbidden thoughts, or from Zera Levatala, such as a nocturnal emission[39]]. The moment one sees himself beginning to lust for the sin [with forbidden thoughts], and he fears that it may grow and overcome him, he may have relations for that reason,[40] and doing so is meritorious to receive reward.[41] [Nonetheless, one does not receive as much reward as for the previous intents.[42] Accordingly, just as different people have different needs of diets, with some having a greater calorie intake and some less, so too, some people have more testosterone in them and need greater frequencies of intercourse than others in order to prevent them from [43] Likewise, some people are more exposed to immodesty than others, for example in their workday, and hence require a greater frequency of intercourse. Thus, if one saw an immodest woman and became filled with lust, it is a valid reason to have intimacy with his wife, and so was done by the great Talmudic Sages.[44] Likewise, if one knows that he cannot control his lusts when he is outside at his work, then he may have intimacy in the morning, in a completely dark room, prior to leaving for work, in order to save himself from sin.[45] On this it is stated, in the name of Rav Chaim Volozhin, that one who is stringent to follow Reishis Chochmah in his house, ends up having a challenge of Eishis Ish outside his house, and one who deals with Eishes Ish in his house, has Reishis Chochmah to protect him outside.[46]] Nonetheless, it is better that one subjugate his inclination and push off his lust [through contemplating painful matters which remove his interest[47]] rather than satiate it; as man contains a small limb which, the more it is starved, the more satiated it is, while the more it is satiated, the more hungry it gets.[48] [Thus, even though having intercourse more often than one’s minimum requirement can be justified (due to one’s needs to satisfy his lust) practically, it is not advisable being that it can lead to addiction and to lust after the forbidden. See Chapter 1 Halacha 7] The above is only with regards to one who feels an actual lust for the act. However, one who currently has no lust and he purposely arouses his lust in order to satiate it, then this is the advice of the evil inclination, as from the permitted sexual encounter he [i.e. the Yetzer Hara] will entice the person to perform a forbidden sexual encounter. On this, the sages stated that one who arouses himself to have an erection willingly, is [fit to be put[49]] into excommunication [by the Sages, and according to some Poskim[50] is automatically placed into actual excommunication].
5. To relieve a constant erection:[51] [From a medical perspective] one needs to have intercourse if he has constant strong erections, even when he is not thinking of the subject, and it weighs down on his thighs. [If he does not have intercourse in such a case, it can cause him different illnesses, to the point of death r”l, as has happened to men who have abstained from intercourse for a long time. The intercourse in such a case cleanses his body of these unhealthy expansions of sperm.[52] Nonetheless, even in the event that one has a natural erection, he is to try to re-arouse himself for the sake of the Mitzvah, and not have intercourse simply due to a natural erection which is due to male hormones.[53]]

• Not to arouse an erection without justifiable reason:[54] One who currently has no lust and he purposely arouses his lust in order to satiate it [and not due to any of the reasons stated above, and his wife does not desire it[55]], then this is the advice of the evil inclination, as from the permitted sexual encounter he (the Yetzer Hara) will entice the person to perform a forbidden encounter. On this, the sages stated that one who arouses himself with an erection willingly, is [fit to be put[56]] into excommunication [by the Sages, and according to some Poskim[57] is automatically placed into actual excommunication]. [Thus, superfluous intercourse which is done simply for the sake of enjoyment and arousing lust, greatly blemishes the G-dly soul.[58] However, one who arouses lust for the sake of the Mitzvah, and not for the sake of indulging in pleasure, is doing a fine act, and in fact, this is the proper way how intimacy should be done, with an arousal for the sake of the Mitzvah, not simply due to a natural erection which is due to male hormones.[59]]

Having intercourse more often simply as an expression of love for one’s wife: While certainly during intercourse one is to intend to love his wife,[60] as well as make her feel wanted and pleasured, this is not an altruistic reason for having intimacy to begin with, and does not justify increasing the frequency of intercourse on its behalf more than necessary, if the other reasons listed above are not relevant.[61] Furthermore, even when one intends to do justifiable intimacy for the sake of loving his wife and uniting with her, this intent alone does not suffice, and he must also intend on the general intents brought below which involve G-d and the fulfillment of a Mitzvah. See Chapter 7 Halacha 2! Nevertheless, if his wife gets dressed up for him and desires him, or if he feels an urge for it that is difficult to control, then he is to have intercourse, even if he already fulfilled his minimum Onah obligation, as explained above. Having intercourse more often in order to remove oneself from sadness and depression:[62] It is beneficial for one who is in a state of depression to have intimacy, in order to rejoice and remove oneself from this melancholy state. [Thus, having intimacy for this intent, even more often than one’s minimal Onah obligation, is also valid. However, one should not increase in intercourse on a steady basis under the claim of preventive medicine for not becoming depressed, as the above was only said regarding one who already suffers from depression.[63]]   Having intercourse on Friday night for Oneg Shabbos:[64] The intent of the Mitzvah to have intercourse on Friday night is simply that one is to establish one of his minimum times of Onah [i.e. one of the two times required weekly by most people today] for Friday night, and not that one should, or must, do so in addition to his minimum Onah. On the contrary, if one already fulfilled his minimum Onah that week, and his wife is not desiring him and he has no urge to do so, then he should specifically not do so, as we generally rule that one should diminish in intimacy when there is no justifiable reason; and the Poskim[65] do not record Shabbos as a justifiable reason. Nevertheless, if his wife gets dressed up for him and desires him, or if he feels an urge for it, then he is to have Onah on Friday night, even if he already fulfilled his minimum Onah obligation, as explained in Halacha 3A. Must a wife consent to have intercourse with her husband if she feels that he is doing so too often and she is not interested? See Halacha 1B that a wife is Meshubad to her husband and theoretically is not to refuse his desire for intercourse unless she is in [ psychological, emotional or physical] pain. On the other hand, see Chapter 5 Halacha 1 that the husband may not have intercourse against his wife’s consent. So, while she is theoretically required to consent, he is practically required to appease her in order to gain her consent, and if he does not do so and she does not consent, then intercourse is forbidden.] See Halacha 1B Q&A for a full accounting of this subject!   Weaning off addiction and overly frequent intercourse:[66] One who is currently involved in addiction, or simply overly frequent sessions of intercourse, and he desires to wean himself off, should do so in stages rather than stopping “cold Turkey” all at once. He should set up a scheduled plan, at first he is to only slightly diminish in the frequency, and then gradually increase the distances between sessions of intercourse, until he has finally reached a healthy balance according to Halacha. Regulate sleeping in the same bed as one’s wife: Often, sleeping in the same bed as one’s wife can lead to an unnecessary erection and need for intercourse. Thus, in consent with one’s wife, one should consider avoiding sleeping in the same bed with one’s wife when they do not plan to have intercourse, if they see that it leads to unnecessary frequencies of intercourse. See also Appendix 6!

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[1] Rama E.H. 25:2; Vetzaruch Iyun on that which is explained next, regarding the command of Kedoshim Tihyu, from which we learn limitations on the frequencies. Likewise, Tzaruch Iyun on the ruling of Michaber 240:1 that, “one who currently has no lust and he purposely arouses his lust, in order to satiate it, then this is the advice of the evil inclination; as from the permitted sexual encounter he (the Yetzer Hara) will entice the person to perform a forbidden sexual encounter, and regarding this, the sages stated that one who arouses himself to have an erection willingly, is [fit to be put] in excommunication.” Perhaps, however, one can answer that the Rama here is only referring to aspects of the laws of intimacy and not to other external reasons for obligating limited intercourse, and hence, whenever one has a justifiable reason, he may have intercourse, even though it is past the minimum level of Onah. However, whenever there is no justifiable reason, he agrees that there is a prohibition of intercourse due to the commandment of Kedoshim Tihyu and the likelihood of it leading to other sexual sins. Alternatively, one can suggest that the Rama ibid holds that there is no letter of the law prohibition at all involved in excessive intercourse, and it is merely a Hiddur or Midas Chassidus for one to limit it.

[2] See Halacha 1B that a wife is Meshubad to her husband and may not refuse his intercourse. On the other hand, see Halacha Chapter 5 Halacha 1 that the husband may not have intercourse against his wife’s consent. So, while she is required to consent, if she does not, he may not attempt intercourse.

[3] Meaning, as long as there are no specific Halachic restrictions relevant, such as she is not a Niddah, there is no light on in the room, and there aren’t other people around in the room who are awake, then it is permitted for a man to have relations with his wife whenever he chooses, whether it’s her time of Onah or not, and there are no other restrictions attached. [See Biur Hagr”a 25:13]

[4] Michaber E.H. 25:2; 240:1 “One who is married is not to have relations with his wife too often and is to limit it to the occasions that the Torah obligates.”; Tur 240:1 and E.H. 25:1; Rambam Dei’os 5:4; Brachos 22a regarding a Talmid Chacham, that he should not be with his wife like a chicken. The same applies to any person. [Tur 240:1; Beri Hagoleh 240; Kaf Hachaim 240:7]; Kitzur SHU”A 150:7; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 20:1

[5] Michaber ibid; Tur ibid

[6] Tur 240:1

[7] See Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 4:1; Sheyikadesh Atzmo Shut 51

[8] See Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:1

[9] Vayikra 19:2

[10] Vayikra 11:44

[11] Sefer Chareidim 20:13 in name of Rabbeinu Shlomo Ivan Gavriel [Rashbag] that he lists it as one of the 613 Mitzvos; Ramban on Vayikra ibid “The verse is coming to teach us that one is to separate himself from the permitted, such as to diminish in intercourse.”; Chinuch, brought in Sefer Hama’amarim Kuntreisim 1:83 [Vetzaruch Iyun]; Tanya Chapter 27 and 30; See Sh’lah Parshas Kedoshim; M”B 240:1;

Other opinions: The vast majority of Rishonim omit counting this Mitzvah as one of the 613 commandments. [Omitted from Rambam and other Monei Hamitzvos] In the Shulchan Aruch, Chapter 231, the Michaber rules it is a mere act of praise and piety to do so, and one who does not do so is merely not praised, implying that there is no Biblical transgression involved. However, even the Michaber ibid concludes that one is obligated to limit himself in intimacy, so that it be only for the sake of Heaven.

A negative command: Even according to some of the above Poskim, who rule that there is no Biblical commandment to sanctify oneself with the permitted, there is a negative commandment against doing that which is permitted simply out of pursuit for pleasure. [Chinuch 387 based on verse of “Lo Sasuru Acharei” learns it is a negative command; Rambam Lo Sa’asei 47; Mentioned in Kuntrus Eitz HaChaim; Vetzaruch Iyun if they learn that every act of self-indulgence is deemed as a transgression of this negative commandment, or only a constant pursuit of pleasures transgresses this commandment. The wording in the Chinuch is, “One who constantly pursues the pleasures of this world out of pure lust, constantly transgresses this commandment each time he indulges in the pleasure”.]

[12] Ramban Parshas Kedoshim 19:2, brought in M”B 240:1, “I disagree that the commandment of Kedoshim Tihiyu is coming to tell us to separate from the Arayos. Rather, it is to separate from the superfluous… Meaning that the Torah allowed having relations with one’s wife… which can lead to him being engulfed in it… and he will become a Naval Bereshus Hatorah. Therefore the Torah commanded us… to diminish in intercourse”; Reishis Chochmah Sha’ar Hakedusha 16:2, based Zohar Kedoshim 81a and Shavuos 18b; Chareidim Asei 7:13 and chapter 20 brings Ramban that sanctifying oneself with one’s wife to not do it so often is a part of the positive commandment of Kidoshim Tihiyu; Or Torah Bamidbar 2 Hosafos p. 63 “Kadesh Atzmecha… such as separating yourself from the lust of Zivug or eating other than that which is necessary L’sheim Shamayim”

[13] Rava Yevamos 20a “Kadesh Atzmecha Bemutar Lecha/One is to sanctify himself with that which is permitted.”

[14] In the Shulchan Aruch chapter 231, the Michaber concludes that one is obligated to limit what he does so that it will be only for the sake of Heaven. The Alter Rebbe rules in Tanya [Chapter 27 and 30] that it is a Biblical commandment, and even according to those who argue, it is at the very least a Rabbinically commandment.

[15] Tanya Chapters 27 and 30 that it is a Biblically commandment; Kuntrus Eitz HaChaim; Sefer Hama’amarim Kuntreisim 1:83; Likkutei Sichos 1:254-256 “The Mitzvah of Kadesh Atzmecha is not just a Hiddur Mitzvah and the like, but a positive commandment in the Torah”; Igros Kodesh 20:84

[16] Michaber 240:1; See Elya Raba 240:5; Kaf Hachaim 240:23

[17] Michaber ibid; Sukkah 52b; Sanhedrin 107a

[18] Rashi in Sanhedrin ibid

[19] Rashi in Sukkah ibid; Rambam Dei’os 4:19; Michaber 240:14

[20] Tosafos in Sukkah ibid based on Sanhedrin ibid

[21] Keli Yakar Vayeishev 39:6

[22] Sanhedrin 75a

[23] See Michaber 240:1 and Tur 240:1 “From the permitted to the forbidden”; Beir Mayim Chaim Bereishis; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240 footnote 159

[24] Michaber 240:14; Tur 240:14 and E.H. 25:2; Rambam Dei’os 4:19; Igeres Hakodesh of the Ramban Chapter 3; Kitzur SHU”A 150:17; Taharas Yisrael 240:80; Biur Halacha 240:14 in the name of Sefer Mazur Uterufa; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 4:2 and 7:2; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:18

[25] Siddur Ya’avetz ibid

[26] Tur 240:1; Menoras Hama’or Ner Gimel K’lal Vav 5:1; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef Chulya Gimel 7:17

[27] Hayom Yom 25^th Adar Sheini; Igros Kodesh Rayatz 4:74; Toras Menachem 2:70

[28] Hayom Yom 27^th Shevat; Sefer Hama’amarim Atar p. 60

[29] Sefer Hasichos 5702 p. 141

[30] Sefer Hama’amarim 5720 p. 261

[31] See Toras Menachem 49:379

[32] Chovos Halevavos Pesicha to Sha’ar Ahavah

[33] See Ma’amarei Admur Ha’emtzai Shemos 2:358; Bamidbar 3:1015; 4:1071

[34] Beir Mayim Chaim Bereishis 7 p. 32

[35] See Tur 240:1 and E.H. 25:8 in name of Ra’avad; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 4; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 4:1; Kitzur SHU”A 150:9; Taharas Yisrael 240:1; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:8

[36] See Halacha 2A in Q&A; Michaber O.C. 240:1; E.H. 25:2

[37] Michaber O.C. 240:1

[38] Michaber 240:1; Tur 240:1 and 5 in name of Ra’avad; Rambam Dei’os 4:19; Rava in Kesubos 65b [See also Bava Metzia 107b]; Sefer Chassidim 509, brought in Da’as Torah 240; Menoras Hama’or Ner Gimel K’lal Vav 5:1; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 4:1 and 6:6; Ashel Avraham Butchach 240; Orchos Chaim Spinka 240:4; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240 footnote 22; See Igros Kodesh 6:156; 9:326; 10:370; 13:314; printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:245; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 3:5; See Rambam Shemoneh Perakim 4; Igara Dikallah Mishpatim p. 22; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:8; See Shulchan Menachem 6:55 that for this reason one should not be stringent to follows Onas Talmid Chacham, only once a week; See also Chelkas Mechokeik 23:1 in name of Sefer Chassidim 176 who permits even Zera Levatala in order not to transgress with a woman, and hence certainly one may have relations with his permitted wife for this purpose

[39] See Sefer Chassidim ibid; Ashel Avraham ibid

[40] Michaber ibid

[41] Rama ibid

[42] Tur ibid; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 4

[43] See Ma’amarim Haketzarim of Admur Hazakein p. 71; See Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 4:1 that the Onah is set according to everyone’s “strength and Ta’anug”

[44] See Rava in Kesubos 65b that he asked to be intimate with his wife after seeing the arms of the wife of Abayey in Beis Din.

[45] Bava Metzia 107 as explained in Rashi ibid

[46] Binyan Habayis p. 192

[47] Ra’avad in Ba’alei Nefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha, and Menoras Hama’or Ner Hashelishi K’lal 6 5:1 177, through contemplating such matters as that which is explained in Avos 3:1 and Shabbos 152a “that a woman is…”; Yalzu Chassidim 380-390; See also Machatzis Hashekel 23 in name of Chukei Derech that one can douse himself in cold water to calm down his lust; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo ibid footnote 12

[48] Michaber and all Poskim ibid; See also Ginzei Hamelech 41 of Rav Yaakov Abuchatzera that sanctifying oneself with the permitted helps one control his lust for the outside (i.e. forbidden).

[49] Implication of Michaber Y.D. 334:43 as the 21^st matter which leads to Niduiy and that if one transgresses it, “He is put into Niduiy,” which implies that until he is actually excommunicated he is not in Niduiy; Implication of Michaber E.H. 23:2 that only one who does Zera Levatala is in automatic Niduiy [and thus the Michaber omits writing in 23:3 that one who causes himself to have an erection is in Niduiy, as he is only fit to be put in Niduiy, unlike Zera Levatala]; Opinion of Beis Yosef E.H. 23; Bach E.H. 23,  opinion of Tur; Chelkas Mechokeik 23:3; Opinions in Beis Shmuel 23:3; Perisha 240:4; Elya Raba 240:6; Tosafos Niddah 13b; Rashba; Ramban; Riy; Lechem Chamudos on Rosh Niddah 2:8 in opinion of Rambam and other Rishonim; Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 in name of Ramban, Rabbeinu Yaakov, and Rashba; Kaf Hachaim 240:24; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 57 footnote 3

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even one who brings himself to have an erection is in automatic Niduiy. [Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 that so is implied from Rambam, and so brings Beis Yosef ibid; Beis Shmuel 23:3 in implication of Michaber E.H. 23:2 regarding Zera Levatala, and the same would apply to an erection; Pirush Beir Hagoleh on Michaber ibid; Shulchan Hatahor 1 241:3; Implication of Setimas Kol Haposkim ibid]

[50] See other opinions of Poskim in previous footnote

[51] M”A 240:29; Tur 240 in name of Ra’avad and E.H. 25:2; Rambam Dei’os 4:19 and Pirush Hamishnayos Sanhedrin 7; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7:1; Taharas Yisrael 240:81

[52] Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7:1

[53] See Mikdash Melech on Zohar Vayikra 43a

[54] Michaber 240:1; Tur 240:1; Menoras Hama’or Ner Gimel K’lal Vav 5:1; See Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha that, “the Yetzer (Hara) influences a person to satiate himself with the permitted and fulfill all his lusts, as after he satiates all his lusts, if he will be unable to further satiate them with the permitted, he will try to satiate them with the forbidden; and from the light sin he (the Yetzer Hara) will draw one to more severe sins, until he tells him to do Avoda Zara.” See Niddah 13b; Kallah Rabasi 2:8; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p.  282

[55] Ba’alei Nefesh of Ra’avad Sha’ar Hakedusha, “She says that she does not need it”

[56] Implication of Michaber Y.D. 334:43 as the 21^st matter which leads to Niduiy and that if one transgresses it, “He is put into Niduiy,” which implies that until he is actually excommunicated, he is not in Niduiy; Implication of Michaber E.H. 23:2 that only one who does Zera Levatala is in automatic Niduiy [and thus the Michaber omits writing in 23:3 that one who causes himself to have an erection is in Niduiy, as he is only fit to be put into Niduiy, unlike Zera Levatala]; Opinion of Beis Yosef E.H. 23; Bach E.H. 23, opinion of Tur; Chelkas Mechokeik 23:3; Opinions in Beis Shmuel 23:3; Perisha 240:4; Elya Raba 240:6; Tosafos Niddah 13b; Rashba; Ramban; Riy; Lechem Chamudos on Rosh Niddah 2:8 in opinion of Rambam and other Rishonim; Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 in name of Ramban, Rabbeinu Yaakov, and Rashba; Kaf Hachaim 240:24; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 57 footnote 3

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even one who brings himself to have an erection is in automatic Niduiy. [Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:18 that so is implied from Rambam, and so brings Beis Yosef ibid; Beis Shmuel 23:3 in implication of Michaber E.H. 23:2 regarding Zera Levatala, and the same would apply to an erection; Pirush Beir Hagoleh on Michaber ibid; Shulchan Hatahor 1 241:3; Implication of Setimas Kol Haposkim ibid]

[57] See other opinions of Poskim in previous footnote

[58] See Ma’amarim Haketzarim of Admur Hazakein p. 71

[59] See Mikdash Melech on Zohar Vayikra 43a

[60] Implication of verse, “Al Kein Yazov Ish Es Avivo V’es Imo V’davak Be’ishto Vehayu Lebasar Echad”; See Ramban Bereishis 2:24 that this is the difference between the mating of animals and that of humans; that by animals it’s a mere act of procreation, there is no D’veikus between the male and female. However, by humans, we attach ourselves to our wives; See also Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh in Hakdama for a similar explanation. However, see Sheyikadesh Atzmo Shut 8 which claims the above does not refer to the feelings of love expressed during intercourse, but simply in general to the love a husband has for his wife and vice versa

[61] The Poskim do not record love and passion as a justifiable reason to add in Onah and do not list it as a reason to have intimacy. It is simply listed as an intent during intimacy and not as a reason to have it; See also Torah L’shma 72 “Although one must intend to have intercourse for the sake of fulfilling God’s command, one must also do it with lust and desire with all of his heart.”

[62] Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 7:1; See Sefer Binyan Habayis Al Pi Derech HaTorah p. 252

[63] Sheyikadesh Atzmo Shut 35

[64] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:2

[65] The Poskim [See Halacha 7C] do not mention that Shabbos is considered a justifiable reason to add in Onah even when one has already fulfilled his Onah that week, and do not list it as a reason to have intimacy.

[66] See Sukkah 49b; Maharsha ibid; Chovos Halevavos Sha’ar Ahavah 5; Gr”a in Even Shlomo 4:10; Toras Moshe Acharon Shel Pesach in name of Haflah; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 17:3

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