This article is an excerpt from our Sefer
3. Special occasions for Onah [intimacy] obligations:
A. Wife beautifies herself:[1]
If a wife [who is G-d fearing[2] and pure from the Niddah state after immersion in a Kosher Mikveh] beautifies herself for her husband, and tries to appease him for the sake of getting his attention and affection [of intimacy], then the husband is [Rabbinically[3]] obligated to have marital relations with her that night [and if he doesn’t then he is considered a sinner,[4] unless he appeases her in other ways until she truthfully forgives him[5]].[6] [Furthermore, one who has intimacy with his wife at such an occasion, merits to have male children who are wise and righteous.[7] Indeed, this intimacy fulfills the main Mitzvah of Onah according to Kabbalah and Halacha[8] and according to all, one fulfills a Biblical Mitzvah of Onah.[9] This obligation applies even if he already fulfilled his minimum amount of Onah for that week.[10] This applies even if she is pregnant or nursing.[11] This applies even if one is a Torah scholar and normally does so only once a week on Friday night.[12] In addition to this intimacy, possibly one is obligated to fulfill his minimum frequency of Onah, as stated above in Halacha 2, and it does not come to subtract from it.[13] Nonetheless, the above obligation on the husband only applies if he is healthy and strong enough to have intimacy whenever his wife desires him.[14] Furthermore, the wife may not take advantage of this too often and overburden her husband with requests for intimacy; therefore, Chazal[15] instruct the husband, regarding this, that he should slightly try to push away her advances in order so that she does not take advantage of this (i.e. Semol Docheh Veyemin Mikareves).[16] Likewise, the wife may not demand or even ask for intercourse explicitly with her mouth, as explained in Chapter 5 Halacha 1K, and may only ask for it in a hinting manner through getting dressed in a way that entices him, and/or hinting to it in her speech and performing verbal seduction.[17] Nonetheless, possibly, even a mere hint may suffice to obligate the husband to be with her, and it is not required for her to go to extremes to try to seduce him.[18] Likewise, if he understands from her speech that she wants him, then he is obligated to be with her, as stated above.[19]]
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Summary: If one’s wife does things to show that she is interested in intimacy with her husband [i.e. seductive makeup, pretty clothing, hinting in her speech], then he is obligated to have Onah with her that night, in addition to his regular Onah obligations, unless he is not healthy or appeases her in other ways until she forgives him.
The law by a Chashas Veses:[20] The above requirement for a husband to be intimate with his wife only applies when she is pure and during days permitted for intimacy. Thus, it is forbidden for him to have relations with his wife in the case that the day is a Veses. Q&A If one’s wife is complaining to him that she is hurt by his lack of attention and lack of spending time with her, is he obligated to have relations? Often, such complaints from the wife is not necessarily a sign that she desires intercourse, but rather that she desires bonding and intimate attention from her husband, which can then lead to intercourse. Accordingly, he should specifically focus on the main issue which is to bond with her emotionally by spending time with her, and this can then lead to intimacy.
If one’s wife is upset at him for his lack of intimacy but does nothing to attract him, is he obligated to be with her?[21] Yes. [Although the original Halacha discusses her doing things to seduce him, nonetheless, the main aspect is that the husband sees that she wants him and desires him. Normally, this is expressed by the wife getting dressed up for him in a way that seeks his attention, but if this doesn’t work, then often the wife will turn to being upset and expressing her desire in a more negative manner. Whatever the case, the husband should understand the message of his wife’s need for intimacy; it is included in the above-said obligation that he must provide her with.]
If, during the daytime, one’s wife shows him that she desires intercourse, must he oblige during the daytime?[22] No. He may delay until nighttime, even if they have a dark room available, and certainly if it is not available, in which case it is forbidden to do so [unless he is a Torah scholar and darkens with his sheet, as explained in Chapter 3 Halacha 1. [Some write that this applies even if that night is a Chashash Veses and she may become a Niddah.[23] However, seemingly in such a case he should place greater effort towards doing so in a dark room if available.]
Is the above Onah obligation, when she beautifies herself, a Biblical or Rabbinical obligation? See the above Halacha in the footnotes for a dispute on this matter (the implied opinion of Admur is that it is merely a Rabbinical obligation; although fulfills the Biblical Mitzvah of Onah when performed).
Does Mechila of the wife help even when she beautifies herself for her husband? See the above Halacha in the footnotes for a dispute on this matter and that the implied opinion of Admur is that it does help. Nonetheless, this Mechila must be true and complete and not be done begrudgingly. Furthermore, even when she is Mochel, it is proper for him to have intimacy with her, as explained in Halacha 6A. Practical Q&A My wife desires intimacy very often and it really throws me off my schedule and Avodas Hashem. How often must I provide her with intimacy based on the above Halacha? What if I feel it’s too much? The definition of too much is subjective to each person’s feelings, and often what one spouse defines as too much the other defines as balanced and/or necessary. Nonetheless, clearly there are limitations to even the subjective definition, and hence in the event that the matter is clearly extreme, or untenable for the husband to appease, then the couple should seek council to discuss the matter. However, if it is merely a subjective debate, the husband is to do whatever he can to appease her as per the obligation above. See also Halacha 7A that women are also to abstain from becoming too indulgent in intercourse, and they are also included in the Mitzvah of Kedoshim Tihyu. |
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[1] Michaber 240:1 “If one’s wife is nursing, and one notices in her that she is trying to seduce him and appease him and she beautifies herself before him so he pay attention to her, then he is obligated to have relations with her.”; Tur 240:1 and 4-5, and E.H. 25:8 in name of Ra’avad; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha 6; Pesachim 72b; Eiruvin 100b; Nedarim 20b; Yevamos 62b; Sotah 2b; Menoras Hama’or Ner Gimel K’lal Vav 5:1; Chochmas Adam 128:19; M”B 240:10 [explains Michaber ibid to mean even if she nursing, and certainly if not]; See Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 4:1; 6:5; Kitzur SHU”A 150:8; Taharas Yisrael 240:35; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:7; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] p. 123-130; Omitted in Rambam ibid
[2] Taharas Yisrael 240:35; Meaning that she is doing so because of love for her husband and desire for his attention and not due to reasons of promiscuity or Zenus.
[3] Implication of Admur Y.D. 184:33 “Certainly by a Rabbinical command” and 184:31 “The Sages instructed” regarding Yotzei Laderech, and seemingly the same would apply to Mishtokekes; Achi’ezer 3:83; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4 footnote 5; Nonetheless, as explained below from Achi’ezer ibid, although the obligation is Rabbinical, nonetheless one who does so fulfills a Biblical Mitzvah.
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that having intimacy with one’s wife, when she desires him, is a Biblical obligation upon the husband and is included within the Biblical prohibition of Onasa Lo Sigra. [Tur E.H. 25 in name of Ra’avad “Is the Mitzvah of Onah written in the Torah”; Da’as Torah 688:6 “Is included in Mitzvas Onah”; Igros Moshe E.H. 3:28 “This is the main Mitzvah of Onah…. which is certainly a complete Biblical obligation.”; See Chida in Kikar La’eden 277b; Birur Halacha 2 240:268; Nidrei Zerizin Nedarim 15b that the Biblical Mitzvah of Onah is whenever she desires it, and it is only that the Sages gave it a periodical frequency.] However, see Achi’ezer ibid who explains that although one who does so fulfills a Biblical Mitzvah, nonetheless, the obligation is only Rabbinical, and so can be understood to also be the opinion of Ra’avad and Tur ibid
[4] Yevamos 62b; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 4:1; Taharas Yisrael 240:35
[5] Admur Y.D. 184:33 and M”A 240:29 regarding Yotzei Laderech, and seemingly the same would apply to Mishtokekes, which is the root of the obligation of Yotzei Laderech; Ashel Avraham Butchach 240; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4 footnote 5
Other opinions: From some Poskim it is implied that Mechila does not suffice in such a case. [See P”M 240 A”A 4, brought in M”B 240:11 “However, by Yotzei Laderech her Mechila helps”; Bnei Shlomo p. 78; Aliba Dehilchasa 40:31]
[6] The source: As the verse [Iyov 5:24] states “Viyadata Ki Shalom Ahalecha U’fakad’ta Nav’cha Velo Secheta.” [Yevamos ibid]
The reason: As the minimum Onah recorded in the Torah, and explained by the Sages, refers to the general frequencies that a woman needs to be satisfied. However, if she shows that she needs more intimacy than her minimum frequency, then he is obligated to rejoice her. [Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha; Taharas Yisrael 240:35]
[7] M”A 240:14; Tur 240:4; Chesed Le’alafim 240:2; Kitzur SHU”A 150:8; Eiruvin and Nedarim ibid “More righteous even than the generation of Moshe”; Eiruvin ibid “Children who are sages, as occurred from the union with Leah when she enticed Yaakov and subsequently had Yissachar”; See also Bava Basra 10b and Rabbeinu Gershom there regarding having male children when he rejoices her outside of her Onah; See Me’iri Eiruvin 100b that this only applies if she intends to do so for the sake of a Mitzvah, such as having children, as was the intent of Leah; See Menoras Hama’or Ner Gimel K’lal Vav 5:1 176 that “if she intends to do so for the sake of a Mitzvah and due to her love for her husband”; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4 footnote 3; However, the fact that this Mitzvah applies even when she is already pregnant or nursing is proof that the obligation is not limited to when she is only doing so for the sake of children, as Leah did.
[8] Chesed Le’alafim 240:2 regarding Kabbalah; Igros Moshe ibid regarding Halacha; See Adnei Paz 4:453
[9] See Achi’ezer ibid that although the obligation is Rabbinical, nonetheless one who does so fulfills a Biblical Mitzvah. See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4 footnote 5
[10] Implication of Michaber ibid; M”A 240:1; Rashi Pesachim ibid; Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha; Beir Heiytiv 240:4 regarding night of Mikveh; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 4:1; P”M 240 A”A 4; Ma’amar Mordechai 240:1; Taharas Yisrael 240:35; M”B 240:11; Kaf Hachaim 240:20; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4:1
[11] Michaber ibid regarding nursing; Siddur Ya’avetz Mosach Hashabbos Mitos Kesef 4:1; Taharas Yisrael 240:35; M”B 240:10 in explanation of Michaber ibid
[12] Chida in Kikar La’eden 277b; Maraas Ha’ayin Niddah 31; See however Sha’ar Ruach Hakodesh p. 4a that it is not considered such a sin
[13] Possible understanding of all Michaber and all Poskim ibid; So written regarding Mikveh, and seemingly the same would apply here: Suggestion in Ashel Avraham Butchach Tinyana 240:2; Taharas Yisrael 2 240:1-12; Meiy Hada’as Inyanim Shonim 12 p. 55; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:1 footnote 1
[14] Semak 285; Pekudas Elazar 240 p. 69 that it is for this reason that the Rambam omitted this law, as it is no longer applicable today being that we are a weak generation; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4:1 footnote 2
[15] Sotah 47a; Zohar 3:177
[16] Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh Sha’ar Hakedusha; Levush 240:5; Taharas Yisrael 240:35; Kedusha Utzenius 16:84; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4:5
[17] See Michaber 240:3 “Bnei Chatzufa”; M”A 240:14; Chochmas Adam 128:19 that verbal seduction suffices to obligate the husband; Chapter 5 Halacha 1K!
[18] Ashel Avraham Butchach 240 that a hint suffices; Chochmas Adam 128:19 that verbal seduction suffices to obligate the husband; See Salmas Chaim 228; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4:1 footnote 1
[19] Chochmas Adam 128:19; See Ba’alei Nefesh of Ra’avad Sha’ar Hakedusha
[20] Setimas Kol Haposkim who do not include this Heter in Y.D. 184:10; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4:1
[21] Chochmas Adam 128:19; See Ashel Avraham Butchach 240; Salmas Chaim 228; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4:1
[22] Mishkan Yisrael p. 82; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 4:6
[23] Sefarim ibid
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