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8. Shana Rishona-The first year of marriage:[1]

A. Rejoicing one’s wife during the first year:

The verse[2] states that a husband is obligated to rejoice with his wife during the first year of marriage. Some Poskim[3] learn this to be a positive command and part of the 613 Mitzvos. This does not mean that he should stay unemployed and spend time wining and dining with his wife all year long. Rather, it means that he should fulfill her wishes in every way possible, to pleasure her.[4] He is to do for her all matters that make her happy. This command applies in all areas [and at all times] being that it is a “body” dependent Mitzvah.[5] This Mitzvah applies for all new wives, whether Besula or widow, although it does not apply if one remarries his ex-wife.[6]

B. Onah frequencies:[7]

From the letter of the law, a Chasan in his first year of marriage follows the same laws and frequencies as all other men throughout marriage, as explained in Halachos 1-6. [Although, some Poskim[8] write that during the first year of marriage a Chasan is obligated to have intimacy at greater frequencies, and possibly every night; practically, we do not rule like this opinion.[9] Nevertheless, some Chasan teachers suggest that in the first year of marriage one is to have intercourse at greater frequencies, approximately 3-4 times each week.[10]]

1. Traveling from home during the first year:[11]

The Torah[12] states that, “When one marries a new wife, he is not to go to the warfront or do other matters and is to be available in his house for one year and rejoice his wife that he took.” From here we derive the Biblical commandment that a Chasan, within the first year of marriage, may not go out to war.[13] Regarding if the Chasan may be away from home [i.e. his wife] for other purposes, some Poskim[14] rule that the above command is only in reference to leaving his wife to go to war, however, a Chasan may, even during the first year, travel away from home for business or other purposes, for his own benefit.[15] Other Poskim,[16] however, rule it is forbidden for the Chasan to leave his wife during the first year, even for business purposes.[17] Some Poskim[18] rule, even according to the latter opinion, that if one’s wife is Mochel [i.e. forgives] him to be away from home, one may travel for business. Likewise, one may travel away from home for the sake of a Mitzvah.[19] [Practically, if it is necessary for one to be away from home and his wife during the first year, he should ask for her Mechila/permission. If she is not Mochel, then only for a Mitzvah may he travel, even without her permission, otherwise a Rav is to be consulted.]

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[1] See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:9

[2] Ki Seitzei Devarim 24:5

[3] Sefer Hachinuch Ki Seitzei Mitzvah 582; Yireim 190 [228]; Rambam Sefer Hamitzvos L.S. 311 lists the Mitzvah of not leaving the home during war, however, does not mention the matter of Simcha; See Tosafos R’eim on yireim ibid

[4] Aruch Hashulchan 64:4

[5] Yireim 190 [228]; See Aruch Hashulchan ibid who casts doubt as to whether this ruling of the Yireim is binding, being that it is omitted by all other Poskim

[6] Aruch Hashulchan ibid

[7] Setimas Kol Haposkim who do not write any differentiation for the Onah of Shana Rishona; Shulchan Ha’ezer 2:12-2 p. 122; Minchas Elazar, brought in Shulchan Ha’ezer, and Mireish Bebira 2:75, and Mi’asef Rabbanei Ohel Moed 74; Igros Kodesh 12:389, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:243, regarding Onas Talmid Chacham that no differentiate has been found in any Sefer [however, see Ba’al Haturim below and P”M 240 A”A 3]; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 1:9 footnote 15

[8] Ba’al Haturim on Devarim 24:5, brought in P”M 240 A”A 3, “The Gematria of Vesamach is that he is obligated in Tashmish for an entire year, this means the entire year except for Yom Kippur”; Shulchan Ha’ezer 2:12-2 p. 122 in interpretation of Ba’al Haturim ibid, that in his opinion, the Onah obligation during the first year is every night, and accordingly they don’t have to separate even by a Veses being that the Onah is an obligation. However, he concludes that this only applies if one does so L’sheim Shamayim, otherwise it falls under the rule of excessive Tashmish, and thus is no longer applicable today.

[9] Shulchan Ha’ezer 2:12-2 p. 122 that so applies today according to the Ba’al Haturim and that so rules the Minchas Elazar that the ruling of the Ba’al Haturim only applies in Temple times and that we never heard of any Posek who said this; Mireish Bebira 2:75 in name of Minchas Elazar that the intent of the Baal Haturim is not to obligate intercourse every night but rather to obligate the Chasan to sleep in the same room as his wife every night; Betzel Hachochma 4:72 writes that his words are mere Agada and not Halacha.

[10] See Kuntrus Shalom Ukedusha Be’ahalecha 4; Sheyikadesh Atzmo ibid footnote 15 and Shut 45; Sedei Tzufim Bava Kama p. 421

The reason: Seemingly, this is due to three reasons: a) So she become pregnant and fulfill the Mitzvah of Peru Urevu. 2) As in the first year she has a greater desire for intimacy, and hence it falls under the law of “Mikashetes Atzma” explained in Halacha 3A. 3) To prevent Zera Levatala from the new Chasan who is just getting used to this aspect of life, and may contain extra hormones and passion. However, if the husband and wife are satisfied with twice a week, and are already pregnant, then there is no need to follow this suggestion.

[11] See Pischeiy Teshuvah 64:2; Rav Poalim 3 E.H. 9; Mishnas Yehoshua 31; S’dei Chemed Chasan V’Kalah 29; Shulchan Haezer E.H. 12:10; Otzer Haposkim E.H. 64; Tzitz Eliezer 19:41; Betzel Hachochma 4:72; Divrei Yatziv 2:274; Birur Halacha Telisa E.H. 64

[12] Ki Seitzei Devarim 24:5

[13] Rambam Sefer Hamitzvos L.S. 311 [According to one Nussach, however, see Radbaz ibid and Minchas Chinuch ibid that this is not the correct Nussach]; Sefer Hachinuch Ki Seitzei Mitzvah 58; Yireim ibid; Dvar Moshe E.H. 28; Nachal Kedumim Chida Ki Seitzei 24

[14] Radbaz 1:231 based on Semag and Rambam, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 64:2; Chaim She’ol 1:93 [unlike what he implied in his Sefer Nachal Kedumim Chida Ki Seitzei 24]; Minchas Chinuch 582; Chasam Sofer E.H. 2:155 “The Chinuch is a Da’as Yachid in this matter and the Rambam did not rule this way”; Aruch Hashulchan 64:4 “Some want to say… there is no source for such a thing”

[15] The reason: As the entire reason he is not to go to war is because his mind is preoccupied with his wife and he will not fight with all his heart. [See Chasam Sofer E.H. 2:155] Likewise, traveling for business is considered a Mitzvah. [Chasam Sofer ibid; See Admur 248]

[16] Rambam Sefer Hamitzvos L.S. 311 [According to one Nussach, however, see Radbaz ibid and Minchas Chinuch ibid that this is not the correct Nussach]; Sefer Hachinuch Ki Seitzei Mitzvah 582; Likkutei Hapardes of Rashi; Rashbatz in Zohar Harakia Asei 84; Dvar Moshe E.H. 28; Chochmas Adam 129:19 and Binas Adam 37, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 64:2; Kitzur SHU”A 149:13; China Vechisda Kesubos 2:230; Rav Poalim ibid [concludes like China Vechisda]; See Chasam Sofer E.H. 2:155; Tosafos Riem on Yireim ibid; Nachal Kedumim Chida Ki Seitzei 24; See Mireish Bebira 2:75 in name of Minchas Elazar that the intent of the Ba’al Haturim is not to obligate intercourse every night but rather to obligate the Chasan to sleep in the same room as his wife every night

[17] The reason: As the entire reason he is not to go to war, is in order to spend time with his wife and create a bond with her that will serve to solidify their relationship for all their future years together and help build a Bayis Ne’eman B’Yisrael. The Torah desires that children be born to a family in which the husband and wife love each other, and this takes at least a year of development. [Chinuch ibid] Alternatively, just as Hashem stayed with Bnei Yisrael under Har Sinai for a full year after Matan Torah, so too, a husband is to act thusly with his wife. [See Rabbeinu Bechayeh Ki Seitzei]

[18] Chochmas Adam ibid, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 64:2; Divrei Mordechai E.H. 3, brought in Rav Poalim 3:9; See China Vechisda Kesubos 2:230; Rav Poalim ibid

Other opinions: From some Poskim it is implied that it is forbidden to leave one’s wife even with her permission. [See Divrei Mordechai ibid; Rav Poalim ibid; Chochmas Adam ibid]

[19] Chasam Sofer ibid

[20] Mireish Bebira 2:75 in name of Minchas Elazar that the intent of the Ba’al Haturim is not to obligate intercourse every night, but rather to obligate the Chasan to sleep in the same room as his wife every night

[21] See Sefer Hatzadik Hapiliy 2:87