Privacy – Not revealing the day of Mikveh and times of intimacy:[1]
The [husband[2] and] wife are to conceal the night of Mikveh [and all other occasions when they intend to have intimacy[3]], from the public [including friends, relatives, and strangers, whether male or female[4]].[5] A woman who does not do so, on her the verse[6] says, “Cursed be the one who sleeps with an animal.”[7] [On the other hand, a woman who is careful in this will have proper children.[8] Thus, it is forbidden for the wife or husband to casually relate to a friend or relative that she is going to Mikveh that night or that they plan on being intimate that night. However, it is permitted for the husband and wife to go about their business in preparing for the intimacy, even if this may reveal to others that they are intending to be intimate, or that she plans to immerse in a Mikveh that night.[9] Nonetheless, they should try to be as inconspicuous as possible, and if others discover it, so be it. Likewise, the wife or husband may reveal that it is her night of Mikveh to an individual if it is needed to help facilitate the Mitzvah, such as when asking a Rav a Sha’alah, or asking a medical question to a doctor, or asking a friend to be one’s Balanit to watch the immersion.[10]]
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Making the Mikveh and its entrance be inconspicuous:[11] Due to the above Halacha, it is imperative for communities to plan the building of their women’s Mikveh in a way that it will be inconspicuous, and that its entrance to the public be in a way that is hidden from the remaining public. Thus, certainly the entrance should not be built near the entrance of the local Shul. Waiting for one’s wife near the Mikveh:[12] Due to the above, husbands who are waiting to pick up their wives from Mikveh should not wait with their cars, or by foot, opposite the Mikveh and are rather to wait a slight distance from it.
Q&A May a woman delay her Chafifa until nighttime, or do it entirely by day, in order to conceal the fact that she is going to Mikveh that night?[13] Yes.
May a woman delay Mikveh to another night, or Friday night, if it will inevitably be noticed by people if she goes that day or during the weekdays?[14] Ø Example: May a woman who works a night shift delay going to Mikveh until Friday night if her boss and co-workers and customers will know that she is taking off early because it’s her Mikveh night? Some Poskim[15] rule that it is permitted for a woman to delay Mikveh, even until the night of Shabbos, if immersing during the weeknights will inevitably cause it to be known to the public. Other Poskim,[16] however, rule that it is forbidden to delay it, even if other people will inevitably notice that she is going to Mikveh. Practically, even according to the lenient opinion, if she is able to go very late at night, in a way that it will not be publicized, then she may not delay it.[17] Furthermore, even according to the lenient opinion, it only applies if many people will discover her Mikveh night. If, however, it will only be noticed by a few individuals, such as parents or in-laws, then it may not be delayed.[18] May a woman who has a wedding that night delay Mikveh until the next day if her delayed arrival at the wedding will cause people to know that it is her Mikveh night?[19] It is not to be pushed off if only a few people may come to discover that it is her Mikveh night. Many people make this mistake and delay the Tevila unjustifiably due to this. [If, however it will be discovered by many people, then she may be lenient to push it off. See the previous Q&A!] On a Shabbos or Yom Tov, may/should a wife push off her Mikveh night if she has guests who will know that she went to Mikveh if she arrives late for the meal? No. There is no obligation for one to avoid going to Mikveh simply because others may understand that she is doing so, and the prohibition is merely against openly revealing it, or doing things in a very open fashion which show that she is going to Mikveh.
May a couple be lenient in certain laws of Harchakos in order so people don’t suspect that it is her Mikveh night?[20] No. May a wife eat meat or chicken on the day of her Tevila in order so people do not speculate that she is going to Mikveh?[21] No. She should, however, try to make her avoidance of meat be inconspicuous if she suspects this to be the case. [One suggestion is to purchase and eat a hard cheese that requires six hours of waiting before meat, and blame her not eating Fleishigs due to being dairy.] May a group of ladies who need to immerse that night travel together to the Mikveh?[22] Due to the above Halacha, it is improper for them to do so, unless there is no other method for them to travel to the Mikveh and immerse. Some Poskim[23] suggest that it is even better that they immerse alone during the day of the 8th than to travel together to immerse on the night of the 7th. May a couple have relations in a room if people outside will know what they are doing?[24] Yes. Nonetheless, they are to try to be as inconspicuous as possible.
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[1] Rama Y.D. 198:48, “Some write that the wife is to be modest on her night of immersion and so is the custom, for women to conceal their night of immersion and not go around in crowds or in front of people in order so that people do not notice. A woman who does not do so, on her it says, ‘Cursed be one who sleeps with an animal.’”; Darkei Moshe 198:6 in name of Aguddah; Based on Eiruvin 55b as explains Hagahos Ashri in name of Agudah [although see Rashi there]; Rokei’ach 379; Shiurei Shevet Halevi ibid 7 that this applies according to all, even though it is written as “Yeish Shekasvu”; See Mishneh Halachos 9:191; 16:52; Shiurei Shevet Halevi ibid 7-9; Taharah Kahalacha 21:23-25; Sheyikadesh Atzmo [Nachmonson-2015] pp. 302-306; See Sefer Minhagei Hachida 23 and Yimei Tohar p. 223 for a fascinating story that occurred with the Rama relating to this subject.
[2] Pashut; See Sefer Minhagei Hachida 23 and Yimei Tohar p. 223 for a fascinating story that occurred with the Rama relating to this subject, from which it is evident that no one should reveal this matter to the public, and not just the wife.
[3] So seems Pashut, as what’s the difference between the night of Mikveh or another night; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 22:1; See M”A 240:27 and Chapter 5 Halacha 9 regarding the obligation of privacy during intimacy and not to have others awake in the room who can be aware.
[4] Sha’areiy Tohar 19:4; 20:15; Taharah Kahalacha 21:23; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 22:1
[5] The reason: It is hidden from all people due to Tzenius, and especially from men in order so they do not entertain Hirhurim. [Sha’areiy Tohar ibid; See Shut Rama 18; Maharshal Chulin 6; Mishneh Halachos 9:191 and 16:52 at length for all the reasons]
[6] Devarim 27:21
[7] Rama ibid; Eiruvin 55b
[8] Aruch Hashulchan 198:91; Taharah Kahalacha 21:23
[9] See Beis She’arim Y.D. 280; Salmas Chaim 231 or Hilchos Tzenius 109; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:16 footnote 103; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 22:5 footnote 5; See Q&A below that even according to the Mahariy Asad 217 we are not Chosheish for Yechidim.
[10] Sha’areiy Tohar 20:15; Taharah Kahalacha 21:23; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 22:3; See Mishneh Halachos 9:191 that so is evident from the Rokei’ach ibid
[11] Shiurei Shevet Halevi ibid 8; Taharah Kahalacha 21:25; See Ma’aneh of the Rebbe brought in Sheyokadesh Atzmo 22 footnote 1 that the entrance to the Mikveh is to be on a separate side of the street as the general entrance to the Beis Chabad building; See Shur Maharshal 6
[12] Taharah Kahalacha 21:25; See Eiruvin 55b
[13] Sha’areiy Tohar 19:4; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 22:2
[14] See Darkei Teshuvah 198; Shevet Halevi 5:118; Shiurei Shevet Halevi ibid 8; Taharah Kahalacha 21 footnote 56; 4 Sheyikadesh Atzmo 22:4-5
[15] Mahariy Asad Y.D. 217; Conclusion of Shevet Halevi 5:118; Conclusion of Shiurei Shevet Halevi ibid 8; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 22:4
[16] Beis She’arim Y.D. 280
[17] Shiurei Shevet Halevi ibid 8
[18] Shevet Halevi 5:118; Shiurei Shevet Halevi ibid 8; See Sheyikadesh Atzmo 22:4 footnote 4 based on Michaber Y.D. 157:1 that only if ten people or more will discover it should it be delayed
[19] Shiurei Shevet Halevi ibid 8
[20] Taharah Kahalacha 21:24
[21] Beis She’arim Y.D. 280; Shevet Halevi 5:118; Shiurei Shevet Halevi ibid 8; Taharah Kahalacha 21:24 [however, see there that he concludes that if this will cause her much embarrassment, then she may be lenient to eat a minimum amount of meat in order to remove the shame.]
[22] Mishneh Halachos 9:191
[23] Mishneh Halachos ibid
[24] Salmas Chaim 231 or Hilchos Tzenius 109; Piskeiy Teshuvos 240:16 footnote 103 that the prohibition only applies when people will be aware of the intercourse exactly when it is taking place, and not simply that they are aware that it will take place sometime; So is evident from all Yichud rooms which are fit for Biyah; See Niddah 17a, brought in Perisha 240:15, that according to Rashi, Raba Bar Rav Huna would shake the bells of his canopy prior to intercourse so his family members can distance themselves, and see Tosafos there who questions this as being not Tzenius; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 22:5 footnote 5
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