Avraham mourned over her passing and came to eulogize her.
It is a great Mitzvah to properly eulogize the deceased.[1] Whoever cries upon the death of a Kosher Jew, Hashem counts the tears and places the tears in his supernal treasure chest. Whoever is lax in eulogizing a Kosher Jew does not merit long days, and is fit to be buried in his lifetime.[2]
Hiring a Maspid:[3] In communities that it is customary to hire a eulogizer, the relatives are obligated to do so.[4]
One who asked not to be eulogized:[5] If the deceased had asked not to be eulogized, then he is to be obeyed.[6] [If, however, the deceased was one of the leaders of the generation, then one who defies his wishes and eulogizes him, is not to be frowned upon.[7] In all cases, it is permitted to print a Hesped about the deceased.[8]]
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The deceased hears the eulogy of the living:[9] The Talmud Yerushalmi states that the deceased is present and listens to the eulogy, as if it were a dream. He is aware of all that is said before him until he is buried in the ground.
The eulogy saves the deceased from Gehinnom:[10] The eulogy helps save the deceased from Gehinnom. |
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Chabad custom-Custom not to eulogize:[11] The Chabad custom is not to give any eulogies[12] and so is the custom of other communities.[13] One is to prevent eulogies from taking place for a deceased who belonged to a community who follows the above custom.[14] Eulogies are not to be given for such a person even by people who are not accustomed to avoid eulogies, and even if the deceased was a Gadol Beyisrael.[15] [Also what people call “parting words” is in truth a Hesped, and is not to be given.[16]] After three days from the start of Shiva, one can eulogize the Niftar by saying stories and sayings regarding him.[17]
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Avraham approaches Bnei Cheis to purchase the Mearas Hamachpeila. Efron offers Avraham to purchase the land for 400 Shekel Kesef. Avraham paid Efron 400 Shekel Kesef of the best currency.
Who is obligated to pay for the burial expenses of a relative who died?[18]
Wife passed away:[19] If one’s wife passes away, it is the husband’s obligation to pay for the burial expenses.
Father passes away, or unmarried mother: The children are obligated to purchase a burial plot for their father or mother, if the parent did not do so prior to passing away, and left an inheritance for their children.[20] If however they did not leave any inheritance for their children, then the children are not obligated to pay for the burial expenses, and the expense rather falls onto the community.[21] Other Poskim[22] however rule that this only applies if the deceased pronounced prior to death that he does not want to be buried from his assets. However, if he did not make any statement, then even if the children did not receive any inheritance from the parents, nevertheless they are obligated and enforced to pay for the expenses if they can afford to do so.
No husband or children:[23] If a person passed away without leaving any money, and does not have a husband or children, then the father is to cover the expenses.
What expenses are included in the above obligation?[24] The above obligation includes all the expenses involved in the commonly done burial of that family. It includes even the tombstone/Matzeiva that is later erected on the grave.
What is done if the deceased has no money, or relatives who can afford to pay for the burial?[25] In the event that a pauper passes away without any known relatives who can cover the expenses of the funeral, then it is the responsibility of the Chevra Kadisha [or community] to cover the expenses, and they reimburse costs through payments and donations from the wealthy. If a certain sum of money was collected on behalf of the burial of the deceased, and some of the money remained after the burial, then the leftover money is to be given to the heirs of the deceased, or [if there are no known heirs] it is to be used for other burials.[26] The same applies for any item which was collected on behalf of the deceased, and in the end was not needed to be used.[27]
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Q&A May children use Maaser money for the burial expenses of a parent?[28] Children may not use Maaser money to purchase a plot, or Matzeiva, for their father or mother.[29]
May a husband use Maaser money for the burial expenses of his wife? No, as stated above regarding children.
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Paying for the plot prior to the burial:[30] One is to be very careful to pay for the burial plot prior to the burial in order so the person is buried in a plot that is considered his. At the very least, one is to pay some of the money beforehand. [After the Rebbetzin passed away, the Rebbe was very careful to pay for all the expenses of the funeral and burial prior to the start of the procession.[31]] Payment for the plot should come from the personal money of the deceased and not from a friend or relative who is paying on his behalf.[32]
Tikkun for children who did not properly, or honorably, bury their parents:[33] On one occasion, the Rebbe instructed the following to be done as a Tikkun for a child who did not perform the burial as required: 1. The sons should donate charity on behalf of two Kosher Jews who are deceased and then visit them by their grave and ask them to tell their parents that they ask for forgiveness. 2. To learn extra Torah on the day of their Yartzite, especially Miseches Mikvaos and Chassidus. 3. To be careful in the honor of those who have taught them Torah.
Dream of deceased parent:[34] On one occasion, the Rebbe instructed a child who had a dream of their deceased mother, to make sure that the burial was done properly, and to check their Mezuzos.
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The fields, and its cave, and all its trees now belong to Avraham. Its sale was witnessed by all of Bnei Cheis. Avraham then buried his wife Sara in Mearas Hamachpeilah, which is in Chevron.
Burying in Eretz Yisrael:[35]
It is a great Mitzvah and merit to be buried in Eretz Yisrael.[36] It is even permitted to unbury the remains of a person in the Diaspora for the sake of reburying him in Eretz Yisrael[37], and certainly one may initially bring the deceased from the Diaspora into Eretz Yisrael for burial.[38] This applies even if they did not request to be buried there.[39] [The allowance to unbury the body for the sake of reintering in Eretz Yisrael applies even if a Tnaiy was not made. Nonetheless, the widespread custom is to initially make a Tnaiy even when one intends to rebury the deceased in Eretz Yisrael.[40] In all cases, a Rav is to be contacted prior to making any decision.[41]] This is because the earth of Eretz Yisrael atones for the person, as the verse states “Vichiper Admaso Amo.”[42] One who is buried in Eretz Yisrael is considered as if he was buried under the altar.[43] Other merits received for being buried in Eretz Yisrael include: 1) Resurrection without needing to be rolled in tunnels towards Eretz Yisrael. 2) Being saved from Chibut Hakever.[44] 3) Being saved from infestation. 4) The soul goes straight up to heaven, as Chazal state[45] that all the souls are elevated through Yerushalayim.[46] 5) The soul is able to return to its grave on every Shabbos and Rosh Chodesh without difficulty.[47]
Taking deceased out of Israel:[48] A person who passed away in Eretz Yisrael, or whose body was brought to Eretz Yisrael, may not be buried in the Diaspora.[49]
Taking deceased out of Jerusalem, and other holy cities: See Halacha D!
Eliezer prayed to Hashem, asking Him to assist him in his mission, and to arrange that the woman who would volunteer to give him and his camels to drink would be the one chosen to be the wife of Yitzchak
The prohibition of Nichush:[50]
It is Biblically forbidden due to the prohibition of “Lo Sinacheish” for one to practice superstitions such as to say that if a black cat crosses his path then he will not leave his house that day due to belief that something bad will happen to him. [Some Poskim[51] rule that the prohibition of Lo Sinacheish only applies when one verbalizes the superstition. However, it is permitted and even praiseworthy for one to believe and practice superstitions that the general populace believes in even if it has no source in Sefarim and the words of our sages.[52] Other Poskim[53], however, negate this assertion and rule that the prohibition applies even if one does not verbalize the superstition, and simply practices it. Nonetheless, despite the above debate, practicing superstitions can transgress the prohibition of Darkei Emori, as explained next.]
Igros Kodesh-Writing to the Igros:[54]
The Poskim rule that it is permitted to use Pesukim for the sake of getting advice and direction for a decision that one is deliberating on, and that doing so does not transgress the Nichush prohibition. [So was done throughout the generations of Jewry, and so is recorded in the Gemara and Poskim. Today, this is more formally known as Goral Hagra, and was famously used by Rav Aryeh Levine in regard to the burial of the victims of Kefar Etzion. Thus, the idea of writing to the Igros for the sake of direction and advice has Halachci basis, and is not prohibited under Nichush or any other matter.]
When the camels finished drinking, he went ahead and gave Rivkah gold nose rings and two gold bracelets.
Giving jewelry to one’s Kallah
Question:
Is there any halachic issue with me giving jewelry to my Kallah prior to the wedding. I had bought her a diamond necklace for the engagement and planned on giving it her, although was then told that it is forbidden for the Chasan to give anything to his Kallah before the wedding and doing so could be a worry of Kiddushin. Is there any truth to this?
Answer:
The above is not accurate. It is permitted, and customary, to give jewelry as a gift to one’s Kallah in honor of the engagement, and it is permitted to do so throughout the engagement period and there is no worry that doing so is considered Kiddushin.
Giving a ring: Many communities have the custom of giving an engagement ring to the Kallah, as was the age-old custom in Jewish communities. However, the Rebbe and other Gedolei Yisrael implored for rings not to be given as a gift prior to the wedding due to Chashash Kiddushin, and hence Chabad Chassidim, and others, avoid giving a ring until the Chuppa. Other jewelry however may be gifted even according to the Rebbe’s directives and Chabad tradition, which can include a necklace, bracelet, earrings, and the like, and so is the custom.
Who is to give the gift of the Kallah: Although many are particular for the mother of the groom to give the presents of jewelry to the Kallah, by no means do we claim today that if the Chasan does so that it enters into a question of Kiddushin, although initially it is encouraged for it not to be given directly from the hand of the Chasan to the hand of the Kallah.
Explanation:
There is a major discussion in the Talmud and Poskim regarding the subject of Sivlonos, otherwise known as gifts, that are given to the Kallah prior to the wedding and the various worries that these gifts can be viewed as Eirusin/Kiddushin, and require the Kallah to receive a Get if for whatever reason the engagement breaks up. There are many details, scenarios, customs, and opinions relating to the subject of when a gift has the worry of being viewed as Eirusin/Kiddushin and when not. Practically, the widespread custom today, as recorded in the Poskim, including the Alter Rebbe’s Shulchan Aruch, is not to suspect for any worry of Eirusin/Kiddushin upon giving a gift to the bride, as everyone knows today that it is customary to give gifts to both the bride and groom which are not intended for the sake of Kiddushin, and that the Kiddushin takes place only when the ring is given under the chuppah. Nonetheless, various stringencies and customs still exist regarding gifting prior to the wedding in order to negate any worry of Kiddushin and/or to also ensure the ultimate modesty between the bride and groom prior to the wedding. These may include the following stringencies, which may be followed by some but not all:
- Every time a present is sent, it is explicitly stated that it is a mere gift.
- The present is given by the mother of the groom and not directly from the groom to the bride.
- The present is given to the bride at a time that two kosher witnesses are not present.
- Although it was customary in previous times to give a ring, and so remains the widespread custom even today, the Rebbe and other Gedolei Yisrael publicized, and asked to be publicized, that a ring should not be given as a gift being that it is connected with the Chuppah, and doing so can enter into a question of whether she will need a Get if the Shidduch.
Sources: Ani Ledodi p. 20; Haeirusin Vehanesuin Hashaleim 1:98, 117; Minhag Yisrael Torah Nissuin p. 74; Nitei Gavriel Shidduchin 33 See regarding the general custom to give gifts to the bride and groom prior to the wedding and the issue of worry of it being Kiddushin: Michaber and Rama E.H. 45:1-2 in great length; Kiddushin 50b; Pachad Yitzchak Erech Savlanus; Otzer Haposkim 45:3, 16-18; 24-25; Taamei Haminhagim 938; Mishpitei Uziel 5:60; Hanissuin Kehilchasam 3:97; Likkutei Sichos 19:510; Sichas Parshas Ki Sisa 5742:42 [Sichas Kodesh 5741 2:512]; Shulchan Menachem 6:35; Yechidus Lechasanim Vekalos 17th Shevat 5745 Hisvadyos 2 p. 1181; Sefer Hasichos 5748 p. 191; Hisvadyos 2:172; See regarding the general custom to give gifts to the bride by the engagement party: Admur 444:15; M”A 444:9; Shut Beis Yosef E.H. 1; Atzei Arazim 45b; Shulchan Hazer 2:2 Simla Tzevi 21; Nitei Gavriel Shidduchin 33:3 See regarding that to be explicitly stated that it is a present: Rama ibid; Maharam Mintz 109; Nitei Gavriel Shidduchin 33:3 footnote 9 See regarding if witnesses are not present: Rama ibid; See regarding that the present should not come from him directly: Opinion in Rama ibid; Maharam Mintz 109; Taamei Haminhagim 938 Kuntrus Achron; Nitei Gavriel Shidduchin 33:3; Other opinions: Main opinion in Rama ibid that it makes no difference See regarding not giving a ring to the Kallah: Pirushei Ibra 5:13; Likkutei Sichos 19:510 [not to give a ring as a gift, and that this should be publicized in his name or not his name so it be accepted]; Sichas Parshas Ki Sisa 5742:42 [Sichas Kodesh 5741 2:512]; Shulchan Menachem 6:35; Hearos Ubirim Ohalei Torah 806:92; Nitei Gavriel Shidduchin 33:3 footnote 6 Customs of giving a ring: Mahariy Viyal 65; Shach Al Hatorah Parshas Titzaveh; Kishutei Kala 187; Nitei Gavriel Shidduchin 33:2 that so is the custom
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[1] Michaber Y.D. 344:1; Shabbos 105b
[2] Shach 344:1; Shabbos ibid; Rambam; Gilyon Maharsha 344; See Nitei Gavriel 51:24 footnote 35; See Shabbos ibid, brought in Rashi Yehoshua 24:30, that when the Jewish people did not eulogize Yehoshua properly, the mountain wanted to crush them
[3] Michaber 344:3 regarding a husband hiring a eulogizer for his wife, and a father for his daughter and forcing his son in-law to reimburse costs; 344:9 regarding forcing the heirs to pay for the eulogy; Mishneh Kesubos 46b; Sanhedrin 46b; Shach 344:7 explains we only force the heirs to pay if they inherited money/valuables from the deceased, otherwise we don’t even force the children to pay, as rules Michaber 348:2. In 344:3 Michaber depends this ruling on the custom while in 344:9 no custom is mentioned. Seemingly, back then it was accustomed to always pay a eulogizer by a funeral.
[4] The reason: As a Hesped is done out of respect for the dead, [and hence it is befitting that his inheritance money be used for his eulogy]. [Taz 344:4; Shach 344:7-88]
[5] Michaber 344:10; Sanhedrin 46b
[6] The reason: As a Hesped is done out of respect for the dead, and hence the deceased has the right to forfeit it. [Shach 344:8]
[7] Beis Yaakov 83, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 344:1, Gilyon Maharsha 344; Maaseh with Nodah Beyehuda by the funeral of the Pnei Yehoshua who asked not to be eulogized, brought in Teshuvah Meahava 1:174; Rav Chaim Falagi in Chelkam Chaim Derush 7 writes that he eulogized Harav Yehoshua Avraham Krispin [the chief Rabbi of Izmir in the 1800’s, and my-the authors-ancestor of six generations back] despite the fact that he instructed not to be eulogized [as recorded in his Sefer Avraham Bimechzah Derush 16], being that he was a Gadol Hador; See Nitei Gavriel 51:8 footnotes 12-13
Other opinions: Some Poskim question the allowance of reciting a eulogy against the wishes of the deceased even if the deceased was a great Torah leader. [Teshuvah Meahava 1:174, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 344:1]
[8] Minchas Elazar 2:63; Nitei Gavriel 51:9
[9] Taz 344:1
[10] Gilyon Maharsha 344
[11] See Chikrei Minhagim 4:118 for a lengthy discussion on this subject
[12] Toras Menachem 1:3 “Chassidim do not say Hespedim”; Hosafos of Sichos Kodesh 5737 2:676 “You are to remain steadfast that a eulogy does not take place being that the deceased was a Lubavitcher” [This was a letter to Rav Shalom Rivkin, after his father Rav Moshe Dovber Rivkin, Rosh Yeshiva of Torah Vadaas, passed away; See Hapardes Kisleiv 5737 that in the end, due to this request, there were no Hespeidim, despite the attendance of all Gedolei Yisrael] Gesher Hachaim 1:13-4 [p. 84]; Letter of Chassid printed in Hagaon Melublin p. 19; The Rebbe Rayatz and Rebbe were not eulogized; The Toras Chesed was not eulogized [Hagaon Melublin p. 97] Rav Shmaryahu Noach of Babrosik was not eulogized as is the Minhag Chassidim. [Sefer Zichron of Rav Binyamin Goredetzky]; See Sefer Chikrei Minhagim 4:118; Nitei Gavriel 51 footnote 21
[13] See Aruch Hashulchan 344:7 and 14 that the giving of eulogies has become very scarce, and is no longer done in any communities with exception to Lita and Zamut; Custom of Rupshitz, Ruzhin, Chernobyl, Viznitz, Gur [brought in Nitei Gavriel ibid]
The reason: a) As if one over exaggerates the praise of the Niftar, it is actually detrimental for his soul, as brought in Michaber 344:1. [Gesher Hachaim ibid; Kuntrus Hayachlieli 15:35] b) As people don’t know how to properly eulogize. [Aruch Hashulchan ibid] c) Due to Ayin Hara that may befall the person if his good deeds are revealed. [Kuntrus Hayachlieli 15:35] d) Not being eulogized properly is a merit for the deceased. [Kuntrus Hayachlieli 15:35] e) It may cause a Kitrug on the Jewish people, as someone may foolishly say that he died in exchange for an evil decree upon Klal Yisrael. [Kuntrus Hayachlieli 15:35] f) It is a Mitzvah to bury the deceased right away, as the soul cannot continue with its journey, either in Gan Eden or as a Gilgul, until the body is buried. Therefore, eulogies are not given in order not to delay the burial. [Chikrei Minhagim 4:118]
[14] See Hosafos of Sichos Kodesh 5737 2:676 that “You are to remain steadfast that a eulogy does not take place being that the deceased was a Lubavitcher”
[15] See Sichos Kodesh ibid and all sources ibid
[16] Pashut; See Sefer Chikrei Minhagim 4:118
[17] Toras Menachem 1:3 that so did the Rebbe after the passing of the Rebbe Rayatz.
[18] See Michaber 348:2; Choshen Mishpat 253:31
[19] Michaber Even Haezer 89:1; Admur 71:1; Shach 366:4; Aruch Hashulchan 348:2
[20] Michaber 348:2; Choshen Mishpat 253:31
[21] Shach 348:5 as is implication of Michaber ibid; Aruch Hashulchan ibid
[22] Maharam Mintz 51-53; Chavos Yair 139; Beis Hillel ibid; Gilyon Maharsha; Aruch Hashulchan ibid rules they are obligated to pay in call cases, even if the father said the above.
[23] See Gilyon Maharsha 348:2; Raavan 33
[24] Michaber ibid
[25] See Michaber 356:1; Gesher Hachaim p. 143; Nitei Gavriel 75:5
[26] Michaber 356:1; Mishneh end of Shekalim chapter 2
The reason: Although the money collected does not legally belong to the deceased, as Hazmanah Lav Milsa Hi, nevertheless, it is given to the heirs being that the deceased was shamed by this collection, and he thus only agreed to it if his heirs would have the benefit of receiving its leftovers. [See Shach 356:1; Taz 356:1]
[27] Shach 356:1
[28] Minchas Shlomo 2:97-11; Maaser Kesafim 14:56; Shraga Hameir 5:43
[29] The reason: As we rule like the Poskim who say the children are obligated to pay for the burial even if they did not receive an inheritance. [See Michaber 348:2; Choshen Mishpat 253:31; Maharam Mintz 51-53; Beis Hillel ibid; Gilyon Maharsha; Aruch Hashulchan 348:2]
[30] Mishmeres Shalom Kuf 131; See Chasam Sofer 330-331; Seridei Eish 2:100; Gesher Hachaim 27:7 “The Kever must be his as we learn from Avraham, and hence many are accustomed to purchase a plot in their lifetime, and if they didn’t, then their heirs pay for it before the burial”; Darkei Chesed 17:7; Nitei Gavriel 75:4; See Igros Kodesh 21:230, printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:258, that the Rebbe urged for the plot to be paid by the Yeshiva whom the deceased donated his money to, and under no circumstances should he be buried without payment for the plot “as with such things we do not start up”
[31] Nitei Gavriel 75:4 footnote 8
[32] See Igros Kodesh 22:80, printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:258
[33] Igros Kodesh 4:120, printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:261
[34] Igros Kodesh 15:444, printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:262
[35] See Gesher Hachaim 27:8
Laws relating to transporting the body: See Nitei Gavriel 131:4-5
[36] See Michaber 363:1-2
[37] Michaber 363:1; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 94:19
[38] Michaber 363:2; Rebbe Lezer in Yerushalmi Kilayim 8:4; Rebbe Eliezer in Midrash Raba Vayechi; Rav Huna was brought to Eretz Yisrael as stated in Moed Katan 25a; See Gesher Hachaim 27:8
Other opinions: Some are of the opinion that one should not bring a body from the Diaspora to be buried in Eretz Yisrael, and one who does so defiles the land with impurity. [Rebbe Bar Kiria in Yerushalmi Kilayim 9:3; Rebbe in Midrash Raba ibid; Zohar Teruma 141; See Gesher Hachaim ibid]
[39] Teshuvah Ral Ben Chaviv 63; Pischeiy Teshuvah 363:2
[40] So I received from various members of Chevra Kadisha; See Igros Kodesh 17:333, printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:259, for a case where a Tnaiy was made to rebury in Eretz Yisrael
[41] See all three letters of Rebbe ibid
[42] Shach 363:3
[43] Kesubos 111a
[44] Gesher Hachaim ibid; See however Meiam Loeiz ibid that this only applies to one who is buried on Erev Shabbos after midday in Eretz Yisrael
[45] Midrash Raba Vayikra
[46] Gesher Hachaim ibid; see also Meiam Loez Vayechi p. 794
[47] See Meiam Loez ibid
[48] Gesher Hachaim 2:11; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 94:20
[49] See Kesubos 110b
[50] See Michaber Y.D. 179:3; Rambam Avoda Zara 11:4; Sanhedrin 65a
[51] Shiltei Hagiborim Avoda Zara 9a, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 179:3; Possible understanding of Rama 179:3, as initially explained in Taz 179:2
[52] Poskim ibid; Mishmeres Shalom Y.D. 116:21; Yerushalmi Terumos 8:3 that one needs to suspect for that which people worry of danger; Sefer Chassidim 261 that there is danger involved in matters that people believe to be dangerous; Minchas Yitzchak 9:8
[53] Conclusion of Taz 179:2; Implication of Tosafos Bava Metziah 27b
[54] See Chagiga 15a; Gittin 56a; 68a; Chulin 95b; Rama Y.D. 179:4 “Pesuk Li Pesukecha”; Shach 179:5; Rambam Avodas Koachivim 11:4-5 and Raavad there in fierce attack on the Rambam’s position; Semag L.S. 51; Maharikash in Erech Lechem Y.D. 179:4; Chida Shiyurei Bracha Y.D. 179:6; Chaim Sheol 2:38-41; Toras Menachem 5749 1:309; Sefer Hasichos 5749 2:489 footnote 98; Chikrei Minhagim [Gurary] 106
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