C. Relatives of Aveilim: Mourning customs kept by son/daughter in-law; grandchildren; grandparents and cousins:[1]

The letter of the law:[2] All those who mourn, their relatives must mourn with them if their relative dies and they enter into a state of mourning. This means to say that all relatives of Aveilim, who are of a degree of relation that they would have to mourn the Avel in the event of his passing, are required to likewise keep all laws of mourning together with him. This applies only when the relative is present in front of the Avel.[3] [The relative is required to keep all laws of Aveilus in the Avel’s presence. This applies throughout the Shiva and Shloshim.[4] This includes the performance of Keriah[5], Seudas Havraah, and all the laws of Shiva and Shloshim.[6]] However, when the relative is not in the presence of the Avel, no mourning laws need to be kept by him.

The custom:[7] Some Poskim[8] rule that today it is no longer accustomed for relatives of the Aveilim to keep mourning laws together with them, even in their presence.[9] Practically, so is the custom today that relatives do not mourn at all together with the Aveilim, and anyone who decides to be stringent in this matter is considered to be doing a puzzling act.[10] Being stringent in this is to be discouraged.[11] Nevertheless, the custom is for relatives of the Aveilim to keep certain laws of Aveilus up until the first Motzei Shabbos, as explained next.

Mourning customs kept by relatives of Aveilim up until first Motzei Shabbos:[12] Although the custom today is for relatives not to mourn together with the Aveilim, nevertheless, the custom is for the relatives of the Aveilim to keep certain mourning laws throughout the first week, until after the first Shabbos. [These laws are:[13] 1) Not to bathe[14] [in hot water; it is however permitted to bathe in warm or cold water[15]]. This applies even on Erev Shabbos[16]; 2) Not to wear all one’s regular Shabbos clothing on Shabbos[17]; [However, the widespread custom today amongst most Jewry is for even Aveilim to wear Shabbos clothing on Shabbos, as explained in Chapter 20 Halacha 4] 3) Not to attend a Seudas Mitzvah, such as a Bris Milah[18] [wedding and the like], and not attend a party and meal of friends[19] even if one plans to waiter the meal[20]; 4) Some Poskim[21] rule one is also not to get a haircut; 5) Some Poskim[22] rule one is also not to cut nails. [The above restrictions apply even when one is not in the presence of the mourner.[23]] All other mourning restrictions are not applicable, and hence they do not need to change their sitting area in Shul.[24] The above restrictions are kept up until the first Motzei Shabbos irrelevant of the amount of days remaining until Motzei Shabbos, whether they are many or few.[25] Thus, if the burial occurred on Friday, the restrictions are kept for only one day, and if the burial occurred on Monday the restrictions are kept for a full week.[26] Immediately after Shabbos, all restrictions are lifted.[27] [Prior to burial, and the start of Shiva, none of these restrictions apply.[28] All the above follows the ruling of the Rama as is recorded in Achronim. Many today however are not accustomed for the relatives of the Aveilim to keep even the mourning restrictions listed above.[29] Practically, each community is to follow his custom or Rav.[30] See footnote for Chabad custom.[31]]

The relatives who are to follow the above mourning customs:[32] The custom is for all the relatives of the deceased who are invalid for testimony on his behalf[33], to keep the above-mentioned mourning laws until the first Motzei Shabbos. [This includes the following relatives of the deceased: 1) Grandchildren[34]; 2) Grandparents[35]; 3) Son and daughter in law[36]; 4) First Cousins[37] [however the widespread custom is to be lenient by first cousins[38]]; 5) Step son/daughter of father’s wife[39]. The above only applies to blood relatives. It however does not include those who are relatives through marriage [with exception to a son and daughter in law] and hence one does not need to follow any mourning restrictions upon the passing of a sister in-law [brother’s wife], brother in-law [sister’s husband], or son/daughter in law.[40]]

One’s spouse:[41] One does not mourn together with his/her spouse when he/she is in mourning for a relative, with exception to when the spouse is in mourning for a parent.[42] Thus, if one’s wife is mourning her father or mother, her husband is to mourn together with her. Likewise, when one’s husband is mourning his father or mother, his wife is to mourn together with him.[43] As stated above, the custom is only to keep the above list of mourning restrictions, and only until the first Motzei Shabbos.[44] When the spouse is in mourning for the passing of other relatives, such as a brother or sister, or a son or daughter from a different marriage, he/she is not to keep any mourning restrictions.[45] Nevertheless, even in such a case, the husband cannot force his wife to beautify herself, although she may serve him and bathe him and make his bed.[46]

Shemua Kerova/Rechoka:[47] The above laws only apply during the Shiva, or if the relative of the Avel heard of the death within thirty days from burial [i.e. Shemua Kerova]. If, however, the relative only heard of the passing after thirty days from death[48] [i.e. Shemua Rechoka], he is not required to keep any mourning laws at all, and it has no place to be done.

Summary: The custom is for the relatives of the Aveilim to keep certain mourning laws starting from the burial, throughout the first week, until the first Motzei Shabbos. [Many however are no longer accustomed today to follow these restrictions, and each person is to follow his Rav or community custom.] When: The customs are in effect from after the burial until after Shabbos [Motzei Shabbos].   The list of restrictions: ·         Not to participate in a wedding or any other Seudas Mitzvah, or party with friends. ·         Music: Some do not listen to music, as explained in the Q&A. ·         Bathing: One does not bath or shower in hot water. Warm water is permitted. ·         Haircut: One does not take a haircut. ·         Nails: One does not cut his nails.   The restrictions apply towards the following relatives of the deceased: ·         Grandchildren. ·         Grandparents ·         Son or daughter in-law. ·         Cousins. [Even amongst those who follow the above custom today, many are lenient regarding cousins].   Q&A If the person passed away before Yom Tov, when are the relatives of the Avel to keep their customary mourning laws?[49] The laws are to be kept until Yom Tov.   If the person passed away during Yom Tov, when are the relatives of the Avel to keep their customary mourning laws?[50] If the person passed away during Yom Tov, then the relatives of the Avel are to keep the customary mourning laws after Yom Tov, when the Aveilim sit Shiva.       May the relatives of the Aveilim listen to music during their days of restrictions?[51] No.   May the relatives of the Aveilim attend a wedding of a close relative during their days of restrictions?[52] Yes.   May the relatives of the Aveilim have marital relations during their days of restrictions?[53] Yes.

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[1] Yoreh Deah 374:6; Gesher Chaim 19 p. 139; Nitei Gavriel 126:15-30 [p. 680]; Vol. 2 18

[2] Michaber 374:6; Chachamim in Moed Katan 20b [unlike Rebbe Akiva and Rebbe Shimon Ben Elazar in Moed Katan ibid]; See Encyclopedia Talmudit 1 Aveilus p. 59

[3] The reason: This is done out of respect and honor of the Avel, to show one’s solidarity and support at the time of his loss. [See Rama ibid; Ramban in Toras Hadam]

[4] Rav Akiva Eiger 374:6 in name of Rashba 139

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the above relatives are only obligated to mourn for a mere hour and not more. [Chinuch Beis Yehuda 96, brought in Gilyon Maharsha 374]

[5] Michaber 340:4; Moed Katan 20b

[6] Rav Akiva Eiger 374:6 in name of Rashba 139

[7] Rama 374:6; Tur in name of Rosh Moed Katan 3:35; Ramban in Toras Hadam; Hagahos Maimanis Aveilus 1

[8] Rosh; Ramban in Toras Hadam; Hagahos Maimanis Aveilus 1

[9] The reason: As the entire reason for keeping Aveilus laws in the presence of the Avel is out of respect and honor of the Avel, to show one’s solidarity and support at the time of his loss. However, today that all Aveilim are accustomed to forgiving their honor, there is no longer any reason for the relatives to mourn in their presence. [Rama ibid; Ramban in Toras Hadam] This applies today even if the relative claims that he is not Mochel on his honor. [Aruch Hashulchan 374:14] However some Poskim are stringent. [Daas Kedoshim 374]

[10] Rama ibid; Hagahos Maimanis; Rosh ibid

[11] Shach 374:5 in name of Hagahos Maimanis ibid that one who is stringent is not only not honoring the Aveilim but making mockery of them

The reason: Although it is permitted for any person to keep the laws of Aveilus after the passing of a non-obligatory relative, nevertheless this only applies if he keeps the laws completely, even not in the presence of the Aveilim. However, here that he is only keeping the laws in front of the Aveilim, it is hence discouraged. [Shach ibid; See also Beir Heiytiv 374:5]

[12] Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251; Chochmas Adam 161:5; Kitzur SHU”A 203:2; Aruch Hashulchan 374:16; Gesher Hachaim; Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 18

Other opinions: See end of this Halacha.

[13] Other customs: Some communities are accustomed that the relatives follow also other mourning restrictions, although the main ruling is as stated above. [Rama ibid]

[14] Rama ibid that so is custom of Gedolei Austria; Beir Hagoleh 376

Wives: Some Poskim rule that wives who are relatives of the mourners may bathe in order so they do not look unattractive to their husbands. [Nitei Gavriel 126:15 in name of Maharash Melublin]

[15] Shach 374:6; Masas Binyamin 83, brought in Shach 376:7

[16] Taz 374:2 in name of Masas Binyamin regarding Chafifas Harosh

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one may bathe his head, feet and hands on Erev Shabbos in hot water if he does so every Erev Shabbos. [Daas Kedoshim 374; Nitei Gavriel 126:15]

[17] Rama ibid that so is custom of Gedolei Austria; Shach 374:7; See Beir Hagoleh that certain relatives may wear all Shabbos clothing other than the top jacket, while other relatives may not wear any Shabbos clothing other than the shirt

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the above relatives are not to wear any Shabbos clothing other than a white shirt. [Masas Binyamin 83, brought in Shach 374:7; Degul Merivava 374, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:6, based on real Nussach in Darkei Moshe and Terumos Hadeshen] The Shach ibid negates this ruling

[18] Shach 374:7 and Taz 374:2 in name of Bach 374

[19] Masas Binyamin 83, brought in Shach 376:7; See Lechem Hapanim 374:6 that he is not to leave the house even for a Seudas Mitzvah

Refreshments: The above restriction only applies to attending an actual meal on bread, while if there will only be mere refreshments by the gathering one may be attended. [Daas Kedoshim 374]

[20] Lechem Hapanim 374:6; See Nitei Gavriel Vol. 2 chapter 18 for further details on this Halacha

[21] Lechem Hapanim 374:6

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to get a haircut, and so is implied from Rama ibid who omits this restriction. [Shvus Yaakov 3:98]

[22] Lechem Hapanim 374:6

[23] Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:4 in his opinion of Rama and that so is implied in Darkei Moshe 374:4; Zekan Aaron 61; Darkei Hachaim 1:65; Nitei Gavriel 126:23

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even these laws only apply in the presence of the mourners. [Adnei Paz11, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah ibid; Many Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 126:24 footnote 41]

[24] Shach 374:7; Masas Binyamin 83

[25] Shach 374:7; Masas Binyamin 83

[26] Lechem Hapanim 374:6

If the burial occurred on Shabbos: See Nitei Gavriel 126:27 that the restrictions are removed starting Friday night.

[27] Shach 374:7; Masas Binyamin 83

[28] Daas Kedoshim 374:1; Erech Shaiy 374; Nitei Gavriel 126:26

If the relative is in a different country than the deceased: If the relative is in a different country than the deceased and will not be present for the funeral/burial, he may accept his restrictions starting even before burial, until that Motzei Shabbos. [Nitei Gavriel 126:31]

[29] Custom brought in Aruch Hashulchan 374:16; The Aruch Hashulchan concludes “One can assume that people will follow the custom of the Rama, as it is him that we follow”; Shulchan Gavoa 374:17 “Today we are no longer accustomed in this”; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 126:16 footnote 27; Pnei Baruch 9 footnote 26;

[30] See Shach 374:7 and Aruch Hashulchan ibid

[31] The Chabad custom: Rav Leibel Groner told me that he never saw this custom followed at all not amongst Anash or the Rebbeim; Likewise, Rav Eli Landau Shlita told me that the custom which he witnessed and observed is that the relatives of the Aveilim do not keep any laws of mourning. Rav Asher Lemel Hakohen of Beitar however rules that relatives are to keep the restrictions listed in the Rama. Rav Yeruslavsky told me that the custom is for the relatives to keep the customs brought above, however only the relatives of the Aveilim, and son/daughter in-law, and not cousins and the like. [This is unlike the Rama]

[32] Rama 374:6; Terumos Hadeshen 251

Other customs: Some are accustomed for even relatives who are not invalid for testimony [such as level 1 with level 4] to keep the above restrictions and others are accustomed for even relatives who are invalid for testimony not to keep the above restrictions, unless they are a degree of relation that they would have to mourn for the Avel in the event of his passing. [Masas Binyamin 83, brought in Shach 374:7] Practically, in these matters one is to follow the custom. [Shach ibid] See previous footnote for rulings of Rabbanim in this regard

[33] As enumerated in Choshen Mishpat 33:2 [Shach 374:6]

[34] Beir Hagoleh 374; Lechem Hapanim 374:6; Choshen Mishpat 33:2

A great grandparent: It is disputed in Michaber C.M. 33:2 if Great-grandparents are invalid witnesses and the Rama concludes the custom is to be stringent. However, seemingly regarding Aveilus one may certainly be lenient. However, see Lechem Hapanim 374:6 that writes a 1^st with a third level relative does follow the restrictions.

[35] Beir Hagoleh 374; Lechem Hapanim 374:6; Choshen Mishpat 33:2

A great grandchild: It is disputed in Michaber C.M. 33:2 if Great-grandchild is an invalid witness and the Rama concludes the custom is to be stringent. However, seemingly regarding Aveilus one may certainly be lenient. However, see Lechem Hapanim 374:6 that writes a 1^st with a third level relative does follow the restrictions.

[36] Beir Hagoleh 374; Michaber ibid and Moed Katan ibid regarding the Talmudic law; Teshuvah Meahava 1:175, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:3 that the same applies according to the custom of Rama; Lechem Hapanim 374:6

[37] Beir Hagoleh 374; Choshen Mishpat 33:2; Darkei Hachaim 1:65; Lechem Hapanim 374; Nitei Gavriel 126:21

[38] Betzeil Hachochmah 3:107; Divrei Yatziv 233; Nitei Gavriel 126:16 footnote 27; Rav Yeruslavsky told me that he has never seen cousins be stringent in this; This follows one custom brought in Masas Binyamin ibid for only the close relatives of the Aveilim to keep these mourning restrictions

[39] Teshuvah Meahava 1:175; Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:3

[40] Michaber 374:7 regarding the Talmudic ruling of mourning in the presence of the Avel and Shach 374:6 based on Terumos Hadeshen ibid that the same applies for the custom brought in Rama ibid of following some mourning laws until after the first Shabbos

[41] Michaber 374:6; Moed Katan 20b

[42] The reason: As a son/daughter in law is obligated to honor his/her parent in-law. [Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid]

[43] Michaber ibid

[44] Rama ibid

[45] This applies even according to the custom of the Rama, as brought in Michaber 374:7 and Shach 374:6

[46] Michaber ibid; Moed Katan ibid

[47] Rama 374:4; Terumas Hadeshen 251

[48] Shach 402:5 in name of Derisha and Bach 399 in name of Rashal; Taz 402:6 that we follow the day of death; P”M 548 M”Z 5; Shvus Yaakov 2:100; Chochmas Adam 171:6; Mahariy Asad 371; Gesher Hachaim p. 264; See other Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 62:3 and his final conclusion to be lenient; Rebbe in Igros Kodesh 6:103 [brought in Shulchan Menachem 5:267] writes that so is the directive of the Rebbe Rayatz to follow the day of death by a Shemua Rechoka

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that we follow the day of burial for a Shemua Rechoka. [Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 402 based on Rabbeinu Yerucham 28:2 argues on the ruling of Rashal that he quoted in Shach 402:5, and concludes with a Tzaruch Iyun; Degul Mirivava 402; Mahariy Viyal 16; Pnei Yehoshua 9; Kitzur SHU”A 206:1; Aruch Hashulchan 402:10]

[49] Panim Meiros 2:40, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 374:5; However, see there regarding Shabbos clothing; Nitei Gavriel 126:29

[50] Shivas Tziyon 59, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 399:4;

[51] Nitei Gavriel ibid

[52] See Shaar Ephraim 100; Nitei Gavriel 126:19; Vol. 2 18:8

[53] Nitei Gavriel 126:20

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