Chapter 3: Honoring relatives other than parents[1]
1. Stepfather and Stepmother-Honoring the spouse of one’s parent:[2]
Father’s wife: A person is [Biblically[3]] obligated to honor his father’s wife even though she is not his mother [i.e., stepmother].[4] This applies so long as one’s father is alive, as explained below. [The child is obligated to honor his stepmother with all the forms of honor that he would show his own mother both in speech and action.[5] This obligation to honor the stepmother applies even when the stepmother is not in the presence of her husband who is his father.[6] This applies even if one’s mother instructs him not to honor his father’s wife.[7] Nonetheless, the honor of one’s biological mother comes prior to one’s stepmother.[8] Thus, if both one’s mother and stepmother asked him to bring them a cup of water, he is the first serve his mother prior to his stepmother.[9] Some Poskim[10] rule that the father has the ability to forgive this obligation from his son, and exempt him from needing to respect his wife. However, other Poskim[11] question if he holds the rights of forgiving the honor of his wife that is due from his children. The above obligation is only regarding honoring one’s stepmother, however there is no obligation to fear one’s stepmother. Hence, one may call her by her first name and sit in her seat, unless one’s father is particular in this.[12] After the stepparent passes away there’s no longer any requirement to honor them as is typically done for a parent after death.[13] Nonetheless, one is to follow some of the mourning laws until the first Motzei Shabbos.[14]]
Mothers husband: Likewise, one is [Biblically[15]] obligated to honor his mother’s husband [i.e. stepfather] so long as one’s mother is still alive.[16] [This applies even when the husband is not in the presence of his mother.[17] Nonetheless, the honor of one’s mother comes prior to the honor of her husband.[18] Some Poskim[19] rule that the mother has the ability to forgive this obligation from his son, and exempt him from needing to respect his wife. However, other Poskim[20] question if she holds the rights of forgiving the honor of his wife that is due from his children. The above obligation is only regarding honoring one’s stepfather however there is no obligation to fear one’s stepfather. Hence, one may call him by his first name and sit in his seat, unless one’s mother is particular in this.[21] After the stepmother passes away there’s no longer any requirement to honor them as is typically done for a parent after death.[22]]
After death of parent or after divorce:[23] After the passing of one’s father or mother one is no longer obligated to honor his stepfather and stepmother. Despite this, it remains proper for one to honor them even after the death of one’s father or mother. [However, if one’s stepparent remarried then there is no need to continue to honor them.[24] Likewise, if one’s father or mother divorced their spouse who is one’s stepmother or stepfather, then he is no longer obligated to honor his stepmother or stepfather.[25] If the stepparent passed away while still married to one’s parent, there’s no longer any requirement to honor them as is typically done for a parent after death.[26] Nonetheless, one is to follow some of the mourning laws until the first Motzei Shabbos.[27]]
| Is one required to stand up for a stepfather?
One must respect his mothers’ husband [i.e. stepfather].[28] However, practically, the custom today is for parents to be Mochel their kids from standing, and certainly this applies by a step-father.[29] |
2. Brother-Honoring one’s older brother:[30]
A person is obligated in the honor of his older brother.[31] [Unfortunately, due to our sins, many are no longer careful in this matter to honor their older brother, and by doing so they nullify the mitzvah of honoring their parents.[32] However, one is not obligated to fear his older brother and is only obligated in matters of honor.[33]]
Biblical or Rabbinical:[34] According to many Poskim[35], this is a biblical obligation. Other Poskim[36], however, rule that it is only a Rabbinical obligation.
Definition of older brother:[37] According to many Poskim[38] the above obligation of honor is only towards the oldest son of one’s father and/or mother who is the Bechor, the first born son of the family, and not simply to all brothers who are older than you. [However, it does not refer to the literal Halachic firstborn but simply to the eldest living son, and hence even if a daughter was born first, the siblings are obligated to honor the son who was born next in line, as he is considered the firstborn son in this regard.[39] Furthermore, if the firstborn son passes away, then one is obligated to honor the next son in line.[40]] However, other Poskim[41] rule that one is obligated to show respect also for all the brothers who are older than him, and not just to the firstborn son, and so is the ruling according to Kabbalah.[42]
Maternal versus paternal:[43] The above obligation applies whether to a paternal older brother or a maternal older brother. [Thus, a child born from a second marriage, must honor the oldest son of each his father and mother from their previous marriages, as he must honor his father’s oldest son and his mother’s oldest son, which are both half siblings.]
A Torah scholar younger brother:[44] This applies even if the younger son is a greater Torah scholar and Torah giant more than the oldest son. [However, if the older brother is s student of the younger brother in Torah and his younger brother is considered his main Rebbe, then the older brother is obligated in the honor of his younger brother.[45]]
Excommunicating an older brother who belittled a Torah scholar sibling:[46] If an older brother belittled and shamed a younger brother who is a Torah scholar, and the younger brother excommunicated the older brother as a result, then he has done nothing wrong and it is even good that he excommunicated him, as being that the older brother does not respect Torah learning he therefore has excluded himself from his people and is not obligated to be respected.
After death: It is disputed amongst the Poskim[47] if this obligation to honor the older brother applies even after the death of the parents and practically one is to be stringent in this matter.[48] However, one is obligated to honor his older brother even after the older brother’s death, such as for the sake of saying Kaddish on his behalf.[49]
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Q&A Can a parent forgive the rights of respect that need to be shown to the older brother? Although a parent can forgive his own respect, it is questionable whether a parent can forgive the respect of his oldest son, and hence absolve the younger siblings from an obligation to respect their older brother.[50] Practically, one is to be stringent in this matter and respect one’s older brother even if the parent forgives the respect.[51]
Can an older brother forgive his honor?[52] This matter is held under question.[53] If however, both the older brother and parents forgive the honor required to be shown to the older brother, then certainly one may be lenient in showing extra honor to the older brother.
Is a younger born twin obligated to show extra honor to his older born twin?[54] Yes. This applies even if the twins were born moments apart but in two different Adar’s in a leap year, such as the first was born prior to dark on the 30th day of Adar Rishon, and the second was born after dark on the first of Adar Sheiyni, nonetheless, the younger son is to honor the older son even though in non-leap years he celebrates his birthday before the older son.
Is one obligated to honor his older brother who is a Rasha?[55] No. This applies even according to those Poskim who rule that one is obligated to honor his father or mother even though they are a Rasha. |
| What matters of respect is one obligated to show his older brother?[56]
From some Poskim[57] it can be understood that one is obligated to respect his older brother to the same extent, and with all the honorary formalities, that one is obligated to respect one’s parent. Nonetheless, the final ruling of the Poskim[58], and long-standing custom amongst even the G-d-fearing, is unlike this understanding, and on the contrary one is not to give the older brother the same level of respect that he gives to his parents, as this would be belittling to his parents[59], and certainly the Torah never commanded one in this. Rather, the respect needed to be shown to the older brother is less than that required for his parents and is hence only applicable regarding certain matters as we will now list.
Is one also obligated to fear his older brother as required for a parent?[60] No. The obligation towards an older brother is only regarding matters of honor and not regarding matters of fear. Hence, there is no problem with calling one’s older brother by his first name, as this is included in the mitzvah fearing one’s parent fear and not honor.
May one call his older brother by his first name?[61] Yes.
May one sit in his older brothers set seat?[62] Yes, as this is included in matters of fear.
May one contradict his older brother’s words?[63] Yes, as this included in matters of fear. However, it may only be done in a polite matter as otherwise it is considered disrespectful and included in the command of respect.
Speaking with honor and respect:[64] One is obligated to speak respectfully with his older brother.
Speaking prior to the older brother:[65] A younger sibling is not to speak prior to an older sibling, unlike the custom today in which younger siblings jump and talk prior to the older siblings.
Must one listen to his older brother’s commands and instructions as required with a parent? Some write that one is obligated to listen to his older brothers requests and wishes from which he directly benefits from such as to bring him a cup of water.[66] However, one is not obligated to listen to the requests and wishes that the older brother does receive direct benefit from, such as to work a specific job.[67] Practically, the custom is to be lenient in this matter.
Standing in honor of one’s older brother:[68] Some Poskim[69] rule that one is obligated to stand in honor of his older brother. Nonetheless, this is no longer the widespread custom even regarding a parent, and certainly not regarding an older brother, and hence there is no need to stand for one’s older brother even according to the above reproach as we assume that he forgives his honor just as we rule regarding apparent. Furthermore, even according to the above stringent approach, one may be lenient to not fully stand up, and may suffice with simply lifting his body. Likewise, one need only be stringent when the older brother enters one’s four cubits.[70] [As already stated, the custom is not to stand up at all on behalf of an older brother, and one who desires to do so must certainly be stringent to stand up on behalf of a parent otherwise this would be belittling to the parent that he stands up for his older sibling but not for his father or mother.[71]]
Who gets to choose the Beis Din in case of a monetary claim?[72] Although when a father takes his son to court, the son is to follow the court of choice of the father even though in general we follow the court of choice of the defendant. However, an older brother does not hold this right, hence if he has a claim against the younger sibling, he has to follow the court of choice of the younger sibling. |
| Not to fight with one’s siblings:[73]
Siblings are to be careful not to fight with each other in order not to cause the parents’ pain. Thus, one should not curse and get angry at his sibling even when rightfully justified, to not cause pain to his parents. This applies even after the death of the parent. |
3. Sister-Honoring one’s older sister:[74]
Some Poskim[75] rule that a person is not obligated in the honor of his older sister even if she is the firstborn. Nonetheless, even according to this opinion, he should show her extra respect and not talk before she does. However, other Poskim[76] rule that one is obligated to show respect also for the firstborn sister as well as all the sisters who are older than him, and so is the ruling according to Kabbalah.[77]
4. In Laws-Honoring ones Father and mother In-Law:[78]
A man is [Rabbinically[79]] obligated to [slightly] honor his father in-law [and mother in-law[80]].[81] [Likewise, a wife is obligated to honor her father-in law and mother in-law, and even more so than her husband is obligated to honor her parents, being that honoring his parents in addition to the honor that they deserve on their own right is also an honor for the husband himself.[82] This applies even after the death of one’s spouse.[83]]
To what extent must one honor his in-laws:[84] Some Poskim[85] rule that one is obligated to honor them just as he is obligated to honor other dignified elders[86], however not to the extent that he is obligated to honor his own father and mother[87]. However, other Poskim[88] rule which one is obligated to honor his father-in-law and mother-in-law to the same extent that one is obligated to honor his father and mother in speech and action.
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Q&A The matters of honor that one is to show his in-laws: As stated above, one is not obligated to honor his in-laws in the same forms of respect as one is obligated towards his parents. However, one is to honor them in the following: 1. Standing up for them:[89] One is to stand on behalf of his or her in-laws as one would stand for an elder who would enter the room. 2. Speaking respectfully:[90] One is the speak respectfully with his or her father and mother-in-law and refer to them in an honorary title. Honor him to sit at the head of table and speak first: One should position his father-in-law to sit at the head of the table and allow him to be the first to speak.
Fearing one’s in-laws:[91] One is not obligated to fear his in-laws as he is obligated with his parents and the obligation towards one’s in-laws is only regarding matters of honor. Sitting in their set place:[92] From the letter of the law, one may sit in the set place designated for his in-laws to sit. Nonetheless, the custom is to be stringent in this matter and not sit in their set place especially in the home of the in-laws, and accordingly one is to be stringent in this matter. Calling them by name:[93] From the letter of the law, one may call his in-laws by their first name. Nonetheless, the custom is to be stringent in this matter and not call one’s in-laws by their first name, especially when one is in their presence, and accordingly one is to be stringent in this matter. After death: A son or daughter in law remains slightly obligated in the respect of their in-laws even after the in-laws have deceased. Hence, we find that the son and daughter-in-law are to follow certain mourning customs after the death of their father or mother-in-law.[94] Learning Torah on his behalf:[95] When a son-in-law studies Torah in memory of his father-in-law, it elevates the soul of his father. Kaddish:[96] A son in-law may recite Kaddish on behalf of his father or mother-in-law and even receives precedence over a brother [or father] of the deceased. Order of precedence:[97] The honor and respect that one needs to show his father, mother, grandparents, and older brother comes before his in-laws. Naming after father versus father-in-law:[98] If one has a son born to him and both his father and father-in-law have passed away, then he is to precede to call his sons name after the name of his father then after the name of his father-in-law. One’s in-law’s spouse:[99] There is no obligation for one to honor his in-law’s spouse, such as the spouse of his mother-in-law or spouse of his father-in-law who is not his or her spouse’s biological parent. |
5. Honoring an Uncle and Aunt:[100]
A person is Biblically[101] obligated to honor his uncle [and aunt[102]].[103] This applies to both his maternal and paternal uncle [and aunt]. [It, however, only applies to the brother of his mother and father and not to their brother-in-law, who is married to their sister. One is obligated to honor his aunt and uncle to the same extent that one is obligated to honor his father and mother in speech and action.[104] However, some write that the level of honor required to be shown is not on the same level that one is required to show a parent, but simply to treat them with extra respect such as to acknowledge their presence, and speak with them in a respectful manner.[105] For example, rather than call them by their first name, one should preface it with their title “Uncle” or “Aunt.”]
6. Grandparents-Honoring grandparents:[106]
Some Poskim[107] rule that one is not obligated in the honor of his grandfather. Practically, we do not rule this way and one is [Biblically[108]] obligated to honor his father’s father.[109] Nevertheless, one is not obligated in their honor as much in the honor of his own father, as one is more obligated in the honor of his father than the honor of his father’s father.[110] [The same applies regarding one’s mother’s father, that one is obligated in his honor.[111] The same applies for one’s grandmother, whether it be one’s father’s mother or one’s mother’s mother, that one is obligated in her honor.[112] Nonetheless, the honor of one’s paternal grandparents precede those of his maternal grandparents.[113]]
Great-grandparents and beyond:[114] Some Poskim[115] rule that one is obligated also in the honor of his great-grandparents and beyond. Other Poskim[116], however rule that is not obligated in the honor of his great-grandparents and beyond. Practically, one is to be stringent in this matter.
Supporting one’s grandparents:[117] Thus, if a son is not able to afford supporting his parents, then the grandchildren must support them if they can afford it.
After the death of one’s parent: Some Poskim[118] rule that after the death of one’s father [or mother], one is no longer obligated in the command of honoring his grandfather [or grandmother]. However, other Poskim[119] rule that one is obligated in their honor even after his parents death.
After the grandparent passes away:[120] One is obligated to honor his grandparents even after they pass away, such as to say Kaddish on their behalf.
If the grandparent is a Rasha:[121] It is disputed among the Poskim as to whether one is obligated in the honor of a grandparent who is a Rasha in accordance with the opinion that obligates one to honor a parent who is a Rasha.
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The matters of honor required to be shown to one’s grandparents:[122] One is required to honor his grandparents just as one is required to honor his parents whether in speech or action. Likewise, one is required to fear one’s grandparents just as one is required to fear his parents. Thus, the following laws apply to one’s grandparents:
Preceding the honor of one’s father to that of one’s grandfather:[124] As stated above, one is more obligated to the honor of one’s father than that of his grandfather and hence one is to precede the honor and wishes of one’s father to that of one’s grandfather. However, some Poskim[125] rule that this only applies regarding those matters that the father is not obligated to provide for his own father, however those matters in which one’s father is obligated towards his grandfather, then one is to precede his grandfather to his father.[126] Other Poskim[127], however, argue in this and rule that one is always to precede the honor of his own father to that of his grandfather. Practically, some suggest in order to avoid the debate that the father should explicitly tell his son to precede his grandfather’s wishes over his own.[128]
One’s grandparents’ spouse:[129] There is no obligation for one to honor his grandparents’ spouse, such as if the grandparent remarried after having one’s father or mother.
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[1] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 Os 12 pp. 463-477
[2] Michaber 240:21; Rambam Mamrim 6:15; Kesubos 83a; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:54-55; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 463-465
[3] Implication of Rambam Mamrim 6:15; Ramban on Sefer Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2; Mordechai Bava Basra 3:527; Maharil 81; Chareidim Asei 4:7; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 464
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is only a rabbinical obligation. [Meiri Kesubos 103a]
[4] The reason: This is due to the honor that one must show his father. [Ramban on Sefer Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2; Rav Akiva Eiger Kama 68; Kneses Yechezkal 25; Gilyon Maharsha 240:10] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 464-465
[5] See Chareidim 12:3; 16:3; Minchas Chinuch 33; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 464
[6] Maharam Shick Mitzvah 33; Chofetz Chaim Pesicha Aei 10; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 464 footnote 1217
[7] Maharam Ben Chaviv 112; Birkeiy Yosef 240:16; Teshuvah Meahavah 370; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:28; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 467 footnote 1265
[8] Halachos Ketanos 1:28; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 467
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that both the mother and stepmother are equal in this matter. [Meiri and Mahariy Beirav Kiddushin 31a; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 467 footnote 1264]
[9] Chut Hameshulash Parshas Vayigash and Yisro; Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Maharshag 2:200; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 467
[10] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33:1; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 465
[11] Darkei Moshe 240:7
[12] Chasam Sofer and Imrei Bina Kesubos 103a; Chasan Sofer 84; Betzel Hachochmah 3:95; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 617 footnote 536-544
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that just as one is obligated to honor his stepmother so too he is obligated to fear his stepmother. [Ikarei Hadat 10:26; Mincha Chadash Mitzvah 33:2; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 613 footnote 493-494]
[13] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33:1; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 466
[14] Teshuvah Meahavah 1:175; Pischeiy Teshuvos 374:3
[15] Implication of Rambam Mamrim 6:15; Ramban on Sefer Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2; Mordechai Bava Basra 3:527; Maharil 81; Chareidim Asei 4:7; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 464
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is only a Rabbinical obligation. [Meiri Kesubos 103a]
[16] The reason and source: This is learned from the words in scripture [Shemos 20:12] “Es Avicha” and Es Imecha,” as the extra words Es by both the father and mother comes to include also one’s father’s wife and one’s mother’s husband. [Taz 240:18; Kesubos 103a] It is disputed amongst the Poskim if this obligation to honor the older brother is due to an intrinsic respect that is due to the elder brother, or simply due to the respect of the parents. The practical modification between these two approaches is regarding if one must do so even after the death of the parents. [See Sefer Hamitzvos Shoresh Hasheiyni for a dispute between the Rambam and the Ramban in this matter; Kneses Yechezkal 25; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:18]
[17] Maharam Shick Mitzvah 33; Chofetz Chaim Pesicha Aei 10
[18] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33:1; Maharshag 2:200
[19] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33:1
[20] Darkei Moshe 240:7
[21] Chasam Sofer Kesubos 103a; Chasan Sofer 84; Betzel Hachochmah 3:95
[22] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33:1
[23] Michaber ibid; Rambam Mamrim 6:15; Kesubos ibid based on Rabbeinu Hakadosh who instructed his sons in this matter; Tur 240 “It is a Mitzvah to honor them after death”; Tzeida Laderech Mamar 1:4-15; Zichron Yehuda 78; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 465-466
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is a rabbinical obligation to respect one’s step parent even after the death of the parent that they had married. [Semak Mitzvah 50; Chayeh Adam 67:22; Meiri Kesubos 103a; Shut Haranach Mayim Amukim 50; Chareidim Lavin 32]
[24] Chasam Sofer E.H. 2:128
[25] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 466
[26] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33:1; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 466
[27] Teshuvah Meahavah 1:175; Pischeiy Teshuvos 374:3
[28] Chareidim 18:1; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 464
[29] See Michaber Y.D. 240:21; Michaber 240:19; Kiddushin 32a; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:54
[30] Michaber 240:22 “A person is obligated in the honor of his older brother, whether he is a paternal older brother or a maternal older brother”; Tur 240; Rambam Mamrim 6:15 “One is obligated in the honor of his older brother as he is in the honor of his father”; Kesubos 83a [103a]; Kallah Rabasi 3; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:57-58; See Toras Menachem Reshimos Hayoman p. 286, printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:175; Mamar Ki Seitzei 13th Elul 5714, printed in Toras Menachem Mamarim Melukat Daled p. 236; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 467-470
[31] The reason and source: This is learned from the words in scripture [Shemos 20:12] “ViEs Imecha,” as the extra letter Vav comes to include the eldest brother. [Taz 240:18; Kesubos 103a; Kesef Mishneh on Rambam ibid; Reshimos ibid] Alternatively, this is learned from the word Es, and not from the extra Vav. [Zohar 83; Sefer Hamitzvos Rambam Shoresh 2; Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv Beis 5; Hagaha of Rebbe Maharash; See Reshimos ibid; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 1269-1270] This is due to the honor that one must show his father as it is belittling to the father for one to disrespect his oldest son. [Ramban on Sefer Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2; Darkei Moshe 240:7; Gilyon Maharsha 240:10; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 468; p./ 385 footnotes 207-20] According to the works of Kabbalah this obligation is because the oldest son receives the essence of the soul of his father and hence by honoring the oldest brother one is in actuality honoring the father. [Arizal in Shaar Hamitzvos Parshas Yisro and Likkutei Torah Parshas Vayeira, brought in Shut Rav Yedidyah ibid and Derech Pikudecha ibid; Mamar Melukat ibid; See also Zohar 3:83]
[32] Yearos Devash 2 Derush 12
[33] See Q&A!
[34] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 467-468
[35] Sefer Hayirah of Rabbeinu Yona 33; Kesef Mishneh and Radbaz on Rambam Mamrim 6:15 in opinion of Rambam ibid; Tosafus Yom Tov Avos 4:12; Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Chofetz Chaim Pesicha Asei 10 based on Shavuos 30b; Ramban on Sefer Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2 leaves this matter in question; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1274
[36] Simple implication of Rambam ibid; Chareidim Lo Sasei Derabanon 4:32; Derech Pikudecha 33; Ramban on Sefer Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2 leaves this matter in question; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1271-1273
[37] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 468-469
[38] Implication of Pesikta Rabasi Shemos 20:12 “Lerabos Achicha Habechor“; Implication of Zohar 3:83a “Bera Buchra Chayavin…” [See, however, Nitzutzei Orors on Zohar ibid; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 478]; Halachos Ketanos 1:123; Shvus Yaakov 3:76; Beis Lechem Yehuda 240:12 [in name of Arizal, an evident error, as notes Birkeiy Yosef 240:17!]; Beir Heiytiv 240:17; Gilyon Maharsha 240:11; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:19; Opinion brought in Reshimos ibid Chut Shani 240:24 that even according to some of the Poskim below who argue, the intent is simply that it is proper due to Derech Eretz to honor all one’s older brothers, although the actual obligation only applies towards the oldest brother; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 469 footnotes 1289-1293
[39] Implication of Poskim brought in next footnote and Poskim ibid who also rule that the siblings are not obligated in the honor of a Bechor sister, hence implying that the obligation automatically passes towards the next child who is a son; Implication of wording of Halachos Ketanos 1:123 and Shvus Yaakov 1:76; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:57 footnote 479
The status of the firstborn girl: Seemingly, however, the firstborn girl herself would not be required to show extra respect to her younger brother who is the firstborn son of the family. Vetzaruch Iyun!
[40] Ikarei Hadat 26:7; See Shut Rav Yedidyah Tiyah Viyal 59
[41] Sefer Chassidim 345; Binyamin Zeev 253; Menoras Hamaor Alankevah 4:24; Implication of Ramban on Sefer Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2; Shut Rav Yedidyah Tiyah Viyal 59 that this matter is a dispute amongst the Rishonim and that one should practically follow the opinion of the Arizal that the obligation applies to all one’s older brothers; Chikrei Lev Y.D. 2:7; Birkeiy Yosef 240:17 and Shiyurei Bracha 13; Derech Pikudecha 33; Teshuvah Meahavah end of 370; Chasam Sofer 6:29; ; Yad Shaul 240:15 in name of Chacham Tzvi in manuscript who wrote a dissent on the Shvus Yaakov; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:28; 2nd opinion in Reshimos ibid; Shevet Halevi 2:111-16; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 469 footnotes 1294-1296
[42] Arizal in Shaar Hamitzvos Parshas Yisro, brought in Birkeiy Yosef 240:17 and Shut Rav Yedidyah ibid
The reason: This obligation is because each son receives from the soul of his father in accordance to his order of being born and hence while the oldest brother receives the most from the soul of the father, the next in line receives more than the younger ones, and so on and so forth, and hence all the younger siblings must honor the siblings who are older than them being that they carry more of the father soul, and by honoring them is concerned that one is honoring one’s father. [Arizal in Shaar Hamitzvos Parshas Yisro, brought in Shut Rav Yedidyah ibid and Derech Pikudecha ibid]
[43] Michaber ibid; Rosh 15:6
[44] Rama 240:22; Darkei Moshe 240:7; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 470 footnotes 1305
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that in such a case one is not obligated to honor his older brother. [Negated opinion in Rama and Darkei Moshe ibid; Binyamin Zev 253]
[45] Tosafus Yom Tov Avos 4:12; Mincha Chadasha Mitzvah 33
[46] Michaber 240:23; 334:41; Teshuvas Rosh 15:7; Darkei Moshe 240:7; Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 1:68; Beis Meir 240; Yishrei Leiv Mareches Chaf 2; Ahavas Dovid of Chida Derush 14; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 469 footnotes 1298-1299
[47] See Sefer Hamitzvos Shoresh Hasheiyni for a dispute between the Rambam and the Ramban in this matter; Megilas Esther on Sefer Hamitzvos ibid 2; Rambam Mamrim 6:15; Kneses Yechezkal 25; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:18; Gilyon Maharsha 240:10; Lev Sameiach on Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 469 footnotes 1279-1280
Poskim who rule the obligation no longer applies after the death of the parents: Kitzur Piskeiy Harosh Kiddushin 1:45; Implication of Ramban on Sefer Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2; Implication of Darkei Moshe 240:7; Birkeiy Yosef 240:17 in name of Rif and Rosh; Implication of Sefer Chassidim 571
[48] Shiyurei Kneses Hagedola 240:43; Megilas Esther on Sefer Hamitzvos ibid 2; Birkeiy Yosef 240:17; Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Maharam Shick Mitzvah 33; Chaim Bayad 97 based on Arizal; Sheilas Yaakov 1:79; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58
[49] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Chaim Bayad 97; Zera Emes 2:148; Sdei Chemed Asifas Dinim Aveilus 152; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58; However see Betzel Hachochmah 1:35 that one is not obligated in honoring the older brother after his death; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 470
[50] Darkei Moshe 240:7, as perhaps the mitzvah to honor the older brother is a decree of the verse four of the sages that is not given to the jurisdiction of the parent to forgive
[51] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58 footnote 483
[52] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58 footnote 498
[53] As perhaps the honor required to be shown to the older brother is an extension of the command of honoring one’s parents and hence it is not within the older brothers jurisdiction to forgive it. If it over both the older brother and parents forgive the honor, then no matter how you look at it, the obligation would not apply.
[54] Yalkut Meiam Loez Shemos 20:12; Chasan Sofer 99; Moadim Uzmanim 7:250; however see Derech Pikudecha 33who implies that on the contrary the one who was born first must honor the one who was born last as the twin who comes out last is the one who was conceived first; See Shulchan Haezer 1:40-6; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:57 footnote 483
[55] See Michaber 240:23; 334:41; Teshuvas Rosh 15:7; Darkei Moshe 240:7; Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin 1:68; Beis Meir 240; Yishrei Leiv Mareches Chaf 2; Ahavas Dovid of Chida Derush 14; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 469 footnote 1297
[56] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 470 footnotes 1279-1280
[57] Implication of wording of Rambam Mamrim 6:15, brought in Tur 240, “One is obligated in the honor of his older brother as he is in the honor of his father“; Ramban on Torah Bereishis 32 “As if he is his father”; Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33
[58] Shiyurei Bracha 240:12; Sheilas Yaakov 1:81; Minchas Yechiel 3:107; Aruch Hashulchan C.M. 14:4; Betzel Hachochmah 3:95; Chut Shani 240:24; See Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33:1; So is also proven from the fact that according to many Poskim one is not obligated in honoring one’s older brother after his death, and is not obligating fearing the older brother
[59] See Minchas Yechiel ibid
[60] Beis Meir 240:23; Implication of Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Leaning opinion of Ikarei HaDaat 26:7; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58; So rule regarding a stepparent and the same would apply regarding an older brother: See Chasam Sofer Kesubos 103a; Chasan Sofer 84; Betzel Hachochma 3:95; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 618 footnote 545-554
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that just as one is obligated to honor his older brother so too he is obligated to fear his older brother. [Imrei Bina Kesbos 103; Mincha Chadasha Mitzvah 33:2; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 618 footnote 550-554]
[61] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33
[62] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58
[63] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58
[64] Rambam on Torah Bereishis 32; Bereishis Raba 270; Chofetz Chaim Pesicha Asei 8 regarding a father in-law and the same would apply to an older brother
[65] Yearos Devash 2 Derush 12
[66] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58; See footnote 492 that no mention of this is recorded in the Achronim. Vetzaruch Iyun on his ruling as perhaps regarding these matters one is not obligated in honoring the older brother, as stated above that the level of honor is not on the same level required towards a parent
[67] Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid
The reason: 1) As one is not obligated in honoring the older brother to the same level required towards a parent. 2) As even by a parent there are many instances that one is not required to listen to his instructions if it doesn’t give them direct benefit and some Poskim rule that one is never obligated to listen to his parents instructions regarding such matters. 3) As even by those matters that don’t give the parent direct benefit that according to some Poskim one is obligated to listen to his parent, it is possible that this is due to the command to fear one’s parent, and as stated above one is not obligated to fear his older brother. [Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid footnote 492]
[68] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:58
[69] Pirush HaTur Bereishis 29:31; Sefer Moreh Horim Ukevodam 8:43 in name of Rav Elyashiv; Sefer Hiddur Panim 18 in name of Rav Chaim Kanievsky
[70] Sefer Moreh Horim Ukevodam 8:43 in name of Rav Elyashiv; Sefer Hiddur Panim 18 in name of Rav Chaim Kanievsky
[71] See Minchas Yechiel 3:107
[72] Aruch Hashulchan C.M. 14:4
[73] Sefer Chassidim 571 “There was a person who would honor his father and mother but was always fighting with his brothers and sisters and curse them and get angry at them, and this caused his father and mother much pain. So a certain Sage admonished him saying that on the one hand you honor your father and mother and on the other hand you cause them pain. Therefore one should not cause pain to his father by cursing his descendants during his lifetime. Furthermore, even after his death a person should consider it as if his father is alive and is being pained by his actions, as the soul of a person after death knows what’s happening in this world.”
[74] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 469 footnotes 1293 and 1296
[75] Beis Lechem Yehuda 240:12; Shvus Yaakov 1:76; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:19; Maharam Shick Mitzvah 33
[76] Birkeiy Yosef 240:17; Chikrei Lev Y.D. 2:7; Derech Pikudecha 33; Yad Shaul 240:15 in name of Chacham Tzvi in manuscript who wrote a dissent on the Shvus Yaakov; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:28; Torah Temima Yisro 86; Cheshbono Shel Mitzvah of Adart 33
[77] Arizal in Shaar Hamitzvos Parshas Yisro, brought in Birkeiy Yosef 240:17 and Shut Rav Yedidyah ibid
[78] Michaber 240:24; Tur 240; Orchos Chaim 2:5 Alef; Semak Mitzvah 50; Midrash Socher Tov Mizmor 7; Tana Dvei Eliyahu Raba 24; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:60; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 476
[79] Chayeh Adam 67:17; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:20; Chikreiy Lev Y.D. 3:98; Reshimos Choveres 184 in name of Rebbe Maharash in letter; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1395
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is a biblical obligation to honor one’s in-laws. [See Chareidim Asei 4:10 who implies that it is Biblical; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1394]
[80] Taz 240:19; Bach 240; Tzeida Ladarech 4:15; Beir Heiytiv 240:17; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:20; Birkeiy Yosef 240:21-22; Leket Yosher 2:37; Tzeida Laderech Mamar 1 4:15; Implication of Michaber Y.D. 374:6 that the husband is to join in mourning for his wife’s father and mother due to their honor. [Pischeiy Teshuvah ibid]; See Hagahos Rav Akiva Eiger 240
[81] The reason and source: This is learned from the fact that Scripture [Shmuel 1 24:11] relates that David referred to Shaul who was his father-in-law as his father [i.e. Avi Reah Gam Reah]. [Taz 240:19; Tur 240; Beis Yosef 240 in name of Orchos Chaim 5; Semak Mitzvah 50; Midrash Socher Tov Mizmor 7; Beir Hagoleh 240:47; Orchos Chaim ibid; See Hagahos Chasam Sofer 240] Alternatively, it is learned from the fact that Moshe kissed his father-in-law Jethro when he saw him, and hence from here we learn that one should honor his father in-law. [Mechilta Parshas Yisro 1; Biur Hagr”a 240:32] Alternatively, this is learned from the fact that a man and wife are considered like one body, and hence the father and mother of one’s spouse are considered like one’s own father and mother. [Chareidim Asei 4:10] Alternatively, since the verse approximates the prohibition of adultery to the command of honoring one’s parents, we can learn that one who marries a woman and does not respect her father and mother it as if he is being promiscuous with her his whole life. [Tana Dvei Eliyahu Raba 24]
[82] Birkeiy Yosef 240:21-22; Leket Yosher 2:37; Chareidim Asei 4:10; Meishiv Devarim 140
[83] Machaneh Chaim 2 C.M. 27; Meishiv Halacha 2:146
[84] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid
[85] Shach 240:22; Bach 240; Beir Heiytiv 240:17, Birkeiy Yosef 240:21; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:17; Chayeh Adam 67:24; Chikreiy Lev Y.D. 3:98; Ikarei Hadat 26; Bris Olam of Chida on Sefer Chassidim 345; Binyan Olam Y.D. 47; Tzafichis BeDevash 54; Bigdei Yom Tov Y.D. 33; Minchas Elazar 3:33; Betzel Hachochmah 1:69; 2:90; Yechaveh Daas 6:51
[86] See Chayeh Adam who writes elders and dignified people; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:60 footnote 507
[87] The reason: This is proven from the fact that the Michaber rules that a wife is not obligated to honor her father being that she must honor her husband, and if it were true that the husband himself is obligated to honor her father than she too would be obligated to honor him, as is the law with regards to ones honoring his father over his mother being that she is too commanded to honor her husband. [Pischeiy Teshuvah ibid]
[88] Midrash Tehillim Mizmor 7, brought in Bach 240; Levush 240; Chareidim Asei 4:16
[89] Binyan Olam Y.D. 47; Minchas Elazar 3:33
[90] As can be seen from the fact that David refer to his father-in-law soul as father. [See also Ramban Bereishis 31:46
[91] Ikarei Hadat 26; Bris Olam of Chida on Sefer Chassidim 345; Betzel Hachochmah 1:69; 2:90; Yechaveh Daas 6:51; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 617 footnote 534-535
[92] Sefer Yosher Hori 17:16
[93] Sefer Yoshere Hori 17:16
[94] Michaber Y.D. 374:6
[95] See Yesod Veshoresh Havoda Shaar Hakolel 15
[96] Mishmeres Shalom Kuf 55; Toras Menachem Tziyon 2:381, printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:296; See however Zera Emes 2:148 that it is better that the brothers of the deceased recite Kaddish for him; See Pnei Baruch 34:24; See Pnei Baruch 34:25; Piskeiy Teshuvos 132:30
Other opinions: Some Poskim write that the saying of Kaddish is exclusively for the descendants of the deceased and not a son in law. [Sdei Chemed Mareches Aveilus 159]
[97] Minchas Elazar 3:33
[98] Ikarei Hadat 26; Sdei Haaretz 3:22 for this reason Aron was punished by having his two children die as he preceded to call his first son after his father in law Nadav rather than his father; See Divrei Yechezkal 33; Yosher Hori 17:7
[99] Leket Yosher 2:37; Rit Vyaal 59; Chasam Sofer E.H. 1:38; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1400-1401
[100] Birkeiy Yosef 240:17-18; Rabbeinu Yona in Sefer Hayirah p. 174 [203]; Sefer Chareidim Asei 12:4 [4:7]; Rashbash 311; Yosef Ometz p. 347; Teshuvah Meahavah Hagahos on 240; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:59; See Zichron Zos of the Chozeh of Lublin Parshas Vayeitzei that honoring one’s parents relatives is included in one’s general obligations towards honoring his parents; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 475
Other opinions: Some Poskim question the above ruling stating that the teaching for it from the verse has no source in Chazal. [See Makor Yisrael C.M. 61; Shut Rit Viyal 59]
[101] Chareidim ibid; Sefer Hayirah ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid
[102] Hagahos of Minchas Pitim 240; Chareidim ibid
[103] The source: This is learned from the words in the verse “Kabed Es Avicha” as the word Es comes to include the uncle. [Poskim ibid]
[104] Chareidim ibid and 16:5-3; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid
[105] Sefer Ashrei Haish 40:14 in name of Rav Elyashiv
[106] Rama 240:24; See Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:21; Sotah 49a; Makos 12a; Sheiris Yosef 19; Imrei Sefer Parshas Toldos; Teshuvah Meahavah 1:178; Shtei Halechem 43; See Yad Avraham 240; Gilyon Maharsha 240:15; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:61-62; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 470-475
[107] Maharik Shoresh 44 [30], brought in Rama ibid and Taz 240:20; See Elya Zutah on O.C. Shut 1; See Sotah 49a, Midrash Raba Vayigash 94:6; Tosafus Yevamos 22b; Bava Basra 115a; Kiddushin 30a; Rashi Makos 12a; Beis Hillel 240:4; Hagahos Rav Akiva Eiger 240; Gilyon Maharsha 240:15; Meiah Shearim 66; Sheiris Yosef 19; Zera Emes 2:148; Shemen Hamor Derush 1; Beis Shmuel E.H. 115:16; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 471 footnotes 1328-1335
[108] Sefer Chassidim 345; Sefer Hapardes 290; Ravayah 841; Menoras Hamaor 4:24; Chareidim Asei 4:3; Bach 240; Implication of Darkei Moshe 240:7; Shut Rama 118; Chadrei Deiah 240; Minchas Elazar 3:33; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1313
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is merely rabbinical obligation. [Beis Dovid C.M. 3; Torah Lishma 265; Maharshag 2:200; Magen Giborim O.C. 139:2; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1314]
[109] Rama ibid; Darkei Moshe 240:14; Shut Rama 118; Taz 240:20; Shach 240:23; Bach 240; Rashi on Chumash Bereishis 46:1; Midrash Bereishis Raba Parsha 94:5; Nekudos Hakesef on Taz ibid; Hagahos Chasam Sofer 240 based on Rashi Sotah 49a; Chareidim Asei 4:3; Sefer Chassidim 345; Sefer Hapardes 290; Ravayah 841; Menoras Hamaor 4:24; Shvus Yaakov 2:94; Chayeh Adam 67:25; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 345; Chadrei Deiah 240; Minchas Elazar 3:33; Aruch Hashulchan 240:44; Toras Menachem 2:123, printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:175; Vol. 18 p. 165; See Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 471 footnote 1318-1323
The reason: As grandchildren are considered like children. [Poskim ibid] Alternatively, as honoring one’s grandfather is included within the honor of his father. [Shut Rit Viya 59; Yad Shaul 240; Yad Avraham 240; Tuv Taam Vadas Kama 213; Maharsham 2:224]
[110] Rama ibid; Menoras Hamaor 4:24; Chareidim Asei 4:3; Midrash Bereishis Raba Parsha 94:5; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 471 footnote 1324
[111] Shut Harama 118; Shvus Yaakov 2:94; Birkeiy Yosef 240:17 [based on Bava Basra 91b that Rus was brought a chair by Shlomo her great great grandchild]; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger Kama 68; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 345; Aruch Hashulchan 240:44; See Sdei Chemed Mareches Beis 18; Divrei Yatziv Y.D. 129; See Igros Kodesh 2:38 and 54; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1315
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it one is not obligated to follow the laws of respect for his maternal grandparents. [Biur Hagr”a 240:34; Yad Avraham 240; Brought in Igros Kodesh 2:38; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 472 footnote 1336]
[112] Rabbeinu Meyuchas Shemos 20:12; Chareidim Asei 4:3; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 1316-1317
[113] Shvus Yaakov 2:94
[114] See Igros Kodesh 2:38, printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:176 and Likkutei Sichos 20:644; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 475 footnotes 1375
[115] Shvus Yaakov 2:94 based on Bava Basra 91b; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1374; See Poskim in next footnote
[116] Zera Emes 2:148; Leaning approach in Igros Kodesh ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1375; See Mateh Efraim Kaddish Yasom 5 who leaves this matter in question; See also Pischeiy Teshuvah C.M. 247 in length; See M”B 218:16 in name of Elya Raba that the blessing over a miracle occurred in a certain area is not said by the person’s great-grandchildren, which implies that one is not obligated in their honor; However, see Seder Birchas Hanehnin 13:1, Shulchan Hatahor 218:2 and Ketzos Hashulchan 66:1 who argues
[117] Shach 240:23; Bach 240; Tana Dvei Eliyahu Raba 16 that Noach supported his grandparents; See Beis Lechem Yehuda 240:14 that from the letter of the law, one cannot force the grandson to support his grandfather.
[118] Rit Viyal 59; Teshuvas Rav Akiva Eiger Kama 68 in name of Sefer Livyas Chein; Yad Avraham 240; Yad Shaul 240; Tuv Taam Vadas Kama 213; See Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid footnote 527; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 472 footnote 1337
[119] See Sefer Chassidim 345; Shut Rama ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 472 footnote 1339
[120] Shut Rama 118; See Elya Zutah on O.C. Shut 1; Shvus Yaakov 2:94; Teshuvah Meahavah 1:178; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 345
[121] See Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 472 3-474
[122] Chareidim Asei 4:3; Elya Zutah on O.C. Shut 1; Hagahos Rav Akiva Eiger 240; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 473
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it one is not obligated to follow the same laws of respect for his grandparents as he is required to show his parent. [Shvus Yaakov 2:94; Sheilas Yaavetz 2:129; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 473 footnotes 1346-1354]
[123] Shtei Halechem 43; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 345; Nitei Nemanim Y.D. 47; Mateh Efraim Dinei Kaddish; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 473 footnote 1352
[124] See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:62; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 471 footnote 1324 and p. 474 footnotes 1363-1373
[125] Sefer Chassidim 929; Shtei Halechem 43; Livyas Chein Parshas Vayigash, brought in Shut Rav Akiva Eiger Kama 68; Teshuvah Meahavah 1:178; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 474 footnotes 1365-1368
[126] The reason: As since one’s own father is obligated to honor his father which is one’s grandfather, therefore it makes sense that one should precede the honor of his grandfather. [Poskim ibid; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid for all the reasons]
[127] Implication of Rama ibid; Elya Zutah on O.C. Shut 1; Sheilas Yaavetz 2:129; Shut Rit Viya 59; Nachalas Tzvi 242:21; Meishiv Devarim 140; Chelkas Yaakov Y.D. 135; Encyclopedia Talmudit p. 475 footnote 1369
[128] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:62
[129] Rit Viyal 59; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1376
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