Chapter 1: General Mitzvah and obligation

1. The Mitzvah and obligation:[1] A. Its Biblical status:

Honoring and fearing one’s father and mother are each a [separate[2]] positive command in the Torah[3], and honoring one’s parents is famously listed as the fifth of the 10 Commandments. [The command of honoring one’s parents is listed by the Rambam as the 210th Command of the Torah[4], while the command to fear one’s parents is listed by the Rambam as the 211th Command of the Torah.[5]] In addition, there is a Biblical prohibition against hitting a parent and another Biblical prohibition against cursing a parent, as explained in chapter 7 Halacha 1, and hence in total there are four Biblical commands, two positive and two negative, associated with one’s parents.

The basic difference between the command of honor versus fear:[6] The basic difference between the command to honor one’s parents versus the command to fear one’s parents is that the command to honor one’s parents involves the performance of certain activities out of respect for one’s parents [i.e. Kum Vasei], while the command to fear one’s parents involves the abstaining from performing certain activities being that they are considered disrespectful to one’s parents [i.e. Sheiv Veal Taaseh]. Some Poskim[7] write that the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is mainly fulfilled through action while the mitzvah of fearing one’s parents is mainly in the heart. Some Poskim[8] write that the mitzvah of fearing one’s parents is more severe than that of honoring them. Others however argue that they carry the same weight of severity.[9]

Q&A When were the Jewish people commanded the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents?[10] The Jewish people were commanded the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents when they encamped in Marah and were given several commands.[11] [This occurred several weeks prior to Matan Torah, as they encamped in Marah after traveling for three days after they crossed the Yam Suf.[12]] This is hinted to in the words “Kasher Tzivcha Hasehm Elokecha” which is written in the 10 Commandments, and implies that we were already commanded this mitzvah, as indeed we were previously commanded it during our stay in Marah.   Is the Mitzvah to honor one’s parents considered a Mitzvah between man and G-d [i.e. Bein Adam Lamakom] or between man and his fellow [i.e. Bein Adam Lechaveiro]?[13] Some Poskim[14] learn that the mitzvot honor one’s parents is a mitzvah between man and G-d and not between man and his fellow. Other Poskim[15], however, learn that it is considered a mitzvah between man and his fellow, and not between man and G-d. Other Poskim[16] leave this matter in question. The Rebbe and others learn that it contains both aspects.[17] There are a number of practical ramifications between these two approaches, including if one must ask forgiveness from his parent if he did not properly fulfill the Mitzvah, as will be explained next.   Must one ask forgiveness from his parents if he does not fulfill this Mitzvah properly?[18] This matter is dependent on the above debate. According to the first approach [Bein Adam Lamakom], one is not required to ask forgiveness from his parent. According to the second approach [i.e. Bein Adam Lechaveiro], he is required to ask forgiveness from his parent. [Practically, based on the Rebbe’s conclusion, one is to ask Mechila from his parents if he did not properly respect them.]   Must one have intent to fulfill the Mitzvah of honoring and fearing one’s parents when doing an act of honor or fear in order to fulfill the mitzvah?[19] No. Since the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is a mitzvah that is between man and his fellow, and the main aspect of it is what the parent receives, therefore, intent is not required in order to fulfill it. Furthermore, even if one explicitly has counter intent to not fulfill the mitzvah by doing a certain act of service for one’s parents, the mitzvah is still considered fulfilled.

B. Its importance:

Being very careful in this Mitzvah:[20] One must be very careful in the honor of his father and mother and in fearing them.[21] [This command to honor and fear one’s parents is weighed by Scripture equal to the Mitzvah to honor and fear G-d, as both verses commanding one to honor and fear his father and mother contains connecting verses which command one to honor and fear G-d. Just as G-d commanded one to honor and fear His great name so too he commanded us to honor and fear our parents.[22] This mitzvah is considered the most severe of severe.[23] People must strengthen themselves in the fulfillment of this mitzvah, as due to our many sins, there are many common transgressions that occur in this command due to lack of knowledge of its details and due to lack of knowledge of its importance. Things have become so bad that is now the parents who need to respect and honor and fear their children as opposed to the opposite.[24] Part of the reason behind why people are lax in this mitzvah, is because people are so accustomed to being with her parents and become accustomed to a relationship that does not involve respect or fear of parental hierarchy. Due to its severity and demanding details, Rebbe Yochanon stated that from a certain perspective, one who has not met his parents benefits from the fact that he will not be subject to being punished for not properly honoring them.[25] Likewise, Rebbe Ze’ira once expresses sorrow that he was an orphan who never met his parents and was never able to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring them, and later after learning of the severity of this mitzvah exclaimed that he is indebted to G-d for not having been challenged with this mitzvah.[26]]

Overcomes the evil of Esav and hastens the redemption:[27] Esav was renowned for his meticulous honor that he showed his father.[28] Until this day his descendants reap the rewards of his mitzvah, and due to it were given the power to rule over the Jewish people.[29] Thus, when the Jewish people also properly perform this mitzvah of honoring their parents, they revoke this permission from the descendants of Esav. This in essence hastens the redemption. It is due to this great power contained within the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents, that Satan wages war against it and places obstacles in front of children to prevent them from fulfilling it properly.

C. Its greatness and reward:

The greatness of the Mitzvah:[30] Honoring one’s parent is a great positive command in the Torah.

The virtue-Honoring the Divine presence:[31] One who honors his father and mother, G-d considers as if He has dwelled in that household, and that He was honored.[32] [Indeed, the fulfillment of this mitzvah draws the divine presence onto the Jewish people.[33] When Rav Yosef heard the steps of his mother he replied that he needs to stand up for the divine presence which is arriving.[34]]

Is praised:[35] Whoever is most careful and pious and strict in the fulfillment of this mitzvah, is praised.

Reaps the reward in this world: The Mishneh[36] states that honoring one’s father and mother is one of those Mitzvos listed which one gets to eat from their fruits in this world, and still retains its reward in the next world. Thus, although he will receive reward and even this world, he will not lose out from any of the main designated reward in the next world.[37]

A high place in the Garden of Eden:[38] One who is careful in the mitzvah of honoring his parents, merits a high place in the Garden of Eden on the level of the absolutely righteous.

Long life:[39] One who honors his father and his mother, Scripture[40] promises him long life. Thus, whoever desires a long and healthy life with a proper livelihood and to live with honor and respect should always abide by the will of his father and mother.[41] Accordingly, one should never bemoan the fact that they need to spend so much time in dealing providing and serving their father and mother, as it is in this merit that his life will be lengthened.[42] Some[43] write that the long life which is promised in exchange for honoring one’s parents, is not to be viewed as a reward for the Mitzvah, but is rather a special Segula that this mitzvah has in addition to its reward [just like one gets to benefit from the eating of the food, even when the eating involves a mitzvah, and the reward that he will receive is independent of the benefit].

Hastens the redemption:[44] One who fulfills this mitzvah properly hastens the redemption.

Merits righteous children:[45] One who fulfills the mitzvah of honoring his parents properly, merits to have children who are upright and righteous, G-d-fearing and servants of G-d, who will discover true novelties in Torah, and not cause others to sin

Protected from Ayin Hara:[46] One who fulfills the mitzvah of honoring his parents properly merits to have children who are protected from Ayin Hara

A wicked person:[47] Even a person was considered a Rasha is protected by G-d and receives much reward for fulfilling the command of honoring his parents, as can be seen from Eisav.

Monetary reward:[48] Ula taught: The extent that one must go to honor one’s parents can be learned from a certain idol worshiper from the city of Ashkelon by the name of Dama the son of Nesina. The sages came to him with a business offer to purchase an item of his that would give him 600,000 gold coins as profit. However, since the key to retrieve the item was under the head of his father who was sleeping, he could not sell the item, as he did not want to awaken his father and cause him pain. Rebbe Eliezer taught the same story, however adding that the item that the sages desire to purchase was a precious stone for the Ephod, and that the next year G-d rewarded the Gentile by having a red cow born to his heard. When the sages approached him regarding the sale of the red cow, he replied that although he could request any money in the world, he only request the amount of money that he lost from not selling the precious stone the previous year due to his desire to honor his parent. Rav Chanina stated that if someone who is not even commanded in the mitzvah receives such reward all the more so will be the reward of one who is commanded and does so.

D. The punishment:[49]

One who is not careful in the honor and fear of his parents, can receive many punishments and evils which can befall him, including the following r”l:

• His days are shortened.[50] This is learned from the fact the Torah promised longevity of life for fulfilling this Mitzvah, and from the positive we can learn the negative.[51]
• He is liable for death.[52]
• He is punished greatly in the next world.
• He blemishes the higher spheres.[53]
• He creates obstacles for repenting.[54]

Is cursed by G-d:[55] Whoever shames his father and mother is considered cursed by the mouth of G-d [i.e., Gevura], as the verse[56] states “cursed should be one who shames [i.e., Makleh] his father and mother.” This applies even if one only shamed them with words. This applies even if one only shamed them with a mere hint [and did not explicitly express the shame in words]. [This applies even in one’s thought, and hence it is forbidden to think of one’s parents in a belittling manner even in one’s thought without verbalizing it.[57] One who speaks Lashon Hara about his parents[58] or does things to annoy them and cause them pain transgresses this prohibition.[59] Some Poskim[60] rule that even a person who transgresses those matters included within fearing the parents, such as sitting in their set place or contradicting their words, is included within the scriptural curse. Furthermore, some Poskim[61] rule that even one who simply diminishes in the respect due to them is included within the scriptural curse. However, from other sources[62] it is clear that the scriptural curse is reserved for only for those who actually shame their parents and not simply transgress fulfilling the mitzvah of honor and fear.]

Gouged eyes and eaten by ravens: The punishment for shaming a parent is explicitly written in Scripture[63] a “his eyes will be gouged by ravens of the river and his flesh will be eaten by the children of the Eagles,” and as has been testified to have occurred in the past to a child who shamed his parents.[64]

Ben Sorer Umoreh-Sekila:[65] A Ben Sorer Umoreh is liable for Sekila for the sins he committed against his parents. This law is no longer applicable today and contains so many conditions that it was practically never applied. It is beyond the scope of this book to enter the detailed laws of this subject and for further information, refer to the sources in the footnotes.

E. The Tikkun for one who stumbled in the sin of not properly honoring and fearing his parents:

One who transgress the command of honoring and fearing his parents, is to perform the following Tikkunim for his sin:

• He must ask forgiveness from his parents.[66]
• He must resolve from now on to properly honor and fear his parents.[67]
• He is to fast a certain number of fasts or redeem these fasts with charity according to his level of affordability.[68]

Child before the age of Mitzvos-Does one need to repent for sins that he did as a child: See Chapter 2 Halacha 2.

Segulos for helping one fulfill the mitzvah of honoring his parents: One who is having difficulty in fulfilling the mitzvah of honoring his parents, such as one who does not get along with his parents at home, should recite by heart several times a day, morning afternoon and evening, the verses recorded in Scripture regarding the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents. This should be done until the issue was remedied.[69] Alternatively, he should write on a piece of paper the verse in Scripture “honor your father and mother” until the end of the verse and carry this piece of paper with him for some time [except for Shabbos].[70]

2. The reason behind the Mitzvah:[71]

Hakaras Hatov:[72] The root of this command is due to that it is befitting of a person to recognize and act with kindness towards one who has been kind to him. One should not be ungrateful and ignore [one who has done for them so much good] as this is a most evil and repugnant trait before G-d and people. One is to recognize the fact that his father and mother are the ones who are responsible for bringing him into the world and accordingly it is fit that he gives them all the honor and assistance that they are capable of. One must also recognize that his parents put much effort into him when he was young [in order to educate him and support him] and they nursed him and fed him and dressed him.[73]

Leads to honor of G-d:[74] When a person has this form of recognition and gratefulness to his parents, it will lead for him to also develop this recognition and gratefulness towards G-d who is the cause of the existence of his parents, up until the first man and is the one responsible for bringing him into the world and giving him all his needs, and health and sanity, of which without it he would be like a horse and mule who have no knowledge. A person will then conclude from this how much he must be careful in the service of G-d. [Furthermore, according to those opinions[75] who hold that the mitzvah to honor one’s parents is a mitzvah between man and G-d, then the intrinsic purpose of it is to honor G-d, as G-d feels honored when we honor those who together with Him were responsible for our creation.[76] The reason for this is because the infinite light of G-d is unified with the body of a Jew to give him the ability to procreate, and hence when one honors his parents it is as if he is honoring G-d himself.[77]]

Leads to belief in G-d’s commands:[78] G-d commanded us to honor and listen to our parents in order, so we be receptive to the tradition that our parents’ hand over to us regarding the Torah and its commands.

The three partners in one’s creation:[79] There are three partners involved in the creation of a person: G-d, the mother and the father. G-d blows the soul into the body thereby giving it the ability to hear, see etc. The mother donates the red parts of the body while the father donates the white parts, such as the bones and brain. For this reason, it is proper to honor all three partners, each for their part in one’s creation. [Nevertheless, G-d is considered the main partner as the ability for the father and mother to procreate is given to them by G-d and comes from an infinite light of G-d that shines below into them. Hence, it is not only the soul of the child but even the body of the child which in essence all comes from G-d, and it is just that it occurs through the parents.[80]]   Why does honoring one’s parents not constitute the prohibition of Shituf, which is giving credence to anyone else other than G-d?[81]  It is a known pillar of our faith that it is forbidden to pay honor or respect to the constellations and stars for their involvement in the blessings which we receive. One who does so is liable for idolatry. The following question hence extends towards honoring one’s parents; how does this not constitute idolatry which consists of paying respect for anyone other than G-d. Possibly one can answer that it is only because the constellations and stars do not have free choice that one is therefore forbidden in paying them respect. One’s parents, however, had free choice in bringing one into the world, and hence played a deciding role in one’s creation. Therefore, they deserve to be honored. On a deeper level it can be explained that every Jew contains a portion of G-d above and that the infinite light of G-d unites with the Jews body to help him procreate, and thus honoring Jewish parents which contain a part of G-d in them does not contradict at all G-d’s unity as it is considered that one is honoring G-d himself .[82] Based on this we can understand more deeply the approach which holds that the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is a Mitzvah between man and G-d, as through fulfilling it one is actually honoring G-d. This is in contrast to Gentiles which are not united with the light of G-d and hence are only commanded to honor their parents for the sake of gratitude and not as an intrinsic command.

3. Blessing:[83]

A blessing is not to be recited upon doing an act of honor or fear of one’s parent, even though that upon doing so one fulfills a positive command.[84]

4. Can Beis Din enforce a child to honor or fear his parents:[85]

Despite the above obligation to honor [and fear] one’s parents, a Jewish court of law cannot [even slightly[86]] enforce the children to honor their father [or mother].[87] [Some Poskim[88], however, rule that a Jewish court of law may slightly force the children to honor their parents, although may not do so to the point that the child may die as a result.[89] Some Poskim[90] rule the above lack of ability to enforce the child only applies regarding matters of respect of his parents, however if the child is shaming his parents then a Jewish court of law may force the child to stop doing so.]

5. Doing the Mitzvah in a happy spirit:[91]

One is to serve his parents with a positive and happy attitude [i.e., Sever Panim Yafos]. One who serves and honors their parents with a negative attitude [i.e., Panim Zoafos] is [not considered to have fulfilled the mitzvah of honoring his parents at all[92] and is] punished for doing so [as serving them in such a manner causes pain to the parent[93]]. This applies even if he provides them with the best of foods [i.e., Petumos], nonetheless if he does so with a negative attitude he is punished. However, in contrast to the above, if one shows a positive attitude and has good intentions, then he gets reward, even if the service itself appears negative, as explained next.[94] [Thus, the main thing is not the quality of the service, but the attitude and intent of the child. Based on this it is understood that the attitude one has while attending to his father and mother and the way he speaks to them is of the essence of the mitzvah of honoring them.]

6. Mechila- Forgiving your honor as a parent:[95]

A father who forgives his honor, his honor is forgiven. [Thus, if one understands from his parent that they do not desire a certain matter of excessive respect that their son shows them, then the son may abstain from doing so.[96] This, however, only means that the children will not be punished in such a case that the parent was forgiving of the respect.[97] However, certainly a mitzvah of honoring one’s parent still remains upon the child, and hence even if the child knows that his parent forgives a certain matter of respect, it is still a mitzvah for him to do it even though he will not be punished for it if he does not.[98] Furthermore, some Poskim[99] write that when the parent and the child are in the presence of other people, then the child is to perform the honor for his parent even if his parent forgave the honor, in order so others do not learn to be lenient. Furthermore, all this allowance of forgiveness is only prior to the act of the child, however, after the fact that the child already disrespected the parent, the forgiveness of the parent no longer helps to absolve the child from punishment.[100]]

Should a Parent be Mochel:[101] A parent is not to overburden his children with demands and to be overparticular with their respect towards him, in order so he does not cause them to stumble. Rather, he should forgive [his honor] and ignore their disrespect. [Thus, it is proper for a parent to forgive their honor even without their child’s knowledge in order so the child not get punished for disrespecting them.[102] However, it is not proper for a parent to dismiss and forgive all matters of his honor, or on a constant basis, and rather he should be particular on occasion in order to emphasize the concept to his children.[103]]

Mechila in matters of fear:[104] Some Poskim[105] rule that the ability for a parent to forgive his honor only applies to those matters that a child has to perform out of honor for his parent, however, those matters that a child has to perform due to the Mitzvah to fear his parent, cannot be forgiven by the parent. Other Poskim[106], however, rule that even matters that a child is required to perform out of fear for his parent, may be forgiven by the parent. Thus, it is permitted for a parent to allow a child to sit in his designated place, or to voice an opinion which is contrary to his opinion. Practically, the main ruling is like this opinion.[107]

Mechila of shame or pain or cursing or hitting:[108] According to all opinions, a parent cannot forgive his shame or pain. Hence, a parent cannot give permission for a child to embarrass him.[109] Likewise, a parent cannot give permission to his child to cause him physical pain.[110] Certainly, he cannot forgive his honor to allow his child to hit him or curse him.[111]

How to be Mochel [i.e., forgive honor]:[112] The parent must explicitly express to the child that he forgives his honor in a certain matter in order for it to become permitted for the child to be lenient in it. It does not suffice simply for the child to assume that his parent is Mochel because the parent was silent and did not protest the lack of respect. [If, however, the custom of the world is to be lenient in a certain matter of honor, then one can assume that his parent as well is Mochel, even if he did not hear this explicitly from the parent.[113] Furthermore, some Poskim[114] rule that if the parent forgives his respect even in his own heart without telling his son, it at least saves the son from future punishment and so is implied from the Talmud.[115]]

Revoking a Mechila:[116] A parent who forgives a certain honor has the right to later retract this forgiveness and obligate his child in the honor which he forgave in the past.

Mechila for standing:[117] As stated above, if a father or mother forgive their honor, their honor is forgiven, and hence one is not required to stand on their behalf if they forgive this honor. [Seemingly, based on this many children are lenient not to stand for their parents, under their assumption that their parents forgive their honor. Nevertheless, it is best to receive explicit permission from one’s parent.[118] Furthermore, some Poskim[119] write that when the parent and the child are in the presence of other people, then the child is to stand for his parent even if his parent forgave the honor, in order so others do not learn to be lenient. Furthermore, some Poskim[120] rule that even if the parent forgives his honor, the child must nonetheless show them some honor/Hiddur and slightly lift his body in their honor.]

Mechila for serving: Based on the above, it is permitted for a parent to serve their child as they have forgiven their respect in this matter and that is their will. See chapter 9 Halacha 4 For the full details of this matter.

Leaning by the Seder table:[121] A son who is eating by his father’s Seder table must nevertheless lean as one can assume that a father forgives his honor for the sake of his son.

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[1] See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:1-2; 15; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibbud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 371; Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 559

[2] Sefer Hamitzvos Rambam Asei 211; Semag Asei 113; Hakdamas Bahag; ; Chinuch Mitzvah 33; 212; See Biur of Rav Perlow for why it is listed as two separate commands; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibbud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 371 footnote 12

[3] Rama ibid “Mitzvas Asei”; Tur 240; Rambam Mamarim 6:1; Sefer Hamitzvos Mitzvah 210-211; Chinuch Mitzvah 33; 212; Bava Metzia 32a; Chulin 110b; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibbud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 371-372 footnote 14 and 16 for opinions who write that fearing one’s parent is a Lo Sasei

[4] Rambam Sefer Hamitzvos Mitzvah 210; Chinuch lists it as the 33^rd command of the Torah; Semag Asei 112;

[5] Rambam Sefer Hamitzvos Mitzvah 211; Chinuch lists it as the 212^th command of the Torah; Semag Asei 113;

[6] See Karban Aaron on Toras Kohanim Kedoshim 1; Michtam Ledavid Y.D. 32; Toafos Reim on Yireim 222; Malbim on Toras Kohanim ibid; Aruch Hashulchan 240:8; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibbud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 372 footnote 14 and 17-20; p. 384 footnotes 186-190; Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 562 footnote 28-34

[7] Semak Hakdama 7; 50 Kala Rabasi 3

[8] Mayan Hachochma 50a; Hamakneh Kiddushin 31b; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 563 footnote 35-37

[9] Terumas Hadeshen 40

[10] Braisa Sanhedrin 56b; Seder Olam Raba 5; Rashi Mishpatim 24:3; Beshalach 15:25; Vaeschanon 5:16; Likkutei Sichos 5:147, 153-154; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibbud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 375-376

[11] See beshalach 15:25 “Sham Sam Lo Chok Umishpat” and Rebbe Yehuda in Sanhedrin ibid says that Mihspat here refers to Kibbud Av Vaeim

[12] See Beshalach 15:22

[13] See Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 23; Likkutei Sichos 19:197; Likkutei Sichos 36:90 and 95 and footnote 8; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibbud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 374

[14] Ramban Al Hatorah Shemos 20:12-13 that the first five Dibros are Bein Adam Lamakom [However, see Ramban 20:12 from which one can understand that he holds its Bein Adam Lechaveiro, as writes Abarbanel ibid in his opinion. See Likkutei Sichos 36:90 footnote 4]; Implication of Even Ezra Yisro 20:1; Implication of Chizkuni 20:13; Tur Al Hatorah ibid; Ikarim Mamar 3:26; Abarbanel Shemos ibid [writes like Ramban ibid, however then also writes its Ben Adam Lechaveiro]; Shelah Miseches Shavuos 190; Chemdas Yisrael Ner Mitzvah 10; Likkutei Sichos 36:90 and 95 and footnote 8 that it contains both aspects of Bein Adam Lechaveiro and Bein Adam Lamakom; See Keli Yakar and Chizkuni on Yisro ibid

[15] Rambam Pirush Hamishnayos Peiah 1:1; Rosh on Mishneh ibid; Kuzari Mamar 3:11; Abarbanel Shemos ibid; Likkutei Sichos 19:197, printed in Shuchan Menachem 4:173 that it is a Mitzvah Bein Adam Lechaveiro; Likkutei Sichos 36:90 and 95 and footnote 8 that it contains both aspects of Bein Adam Lechaveiro and Bein Adam Lamakom; See Keli Yakar On Yisro ibid; See Kiddushin 31a which implies that it is a mitzvah between man and his fellow “Ula taught: After hearing the first two of the 10 Commandments which instructs one to believe in G-d and that serve other deities, the nations of the world said that the 10 Commandments were given by G-d for the sake of His own personal glory. However, after they heard the command to honor one’s parents they retracted and acknowledged the first commands.”; See Yireim Hashaleim p. 5; Rashba 1:18

[16] Minchas Chinuch ibid

[17] Likkutei Sichos 9:XV; 36:90 and 95 and footnote 8; Beir Yehuda on Chareidim p. 72; See Likkutei Sichos 36:96 that there are two aspects in the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents, one an intellectual moral aspect which is between man and his fellow, and a second which is between man and God, as through honoring one’s parents one honors God. The Rebbe there explains that only the former aspect is relevant to Gentiles, while the latter aspect is only relevant for Jews, as only by Jews is the infant light of God united with their bodies, and hence does honoring them not consist of idolatry, in contrast to Gentiles in which honoring them with consist of Shituf.

[18] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33; See Ben Ish Chaiy Vayelech 1:6; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid; Likkutei Sichos 36:91 footnote 8

[19] Oneg Yom Tov O.C. 19; Sdei Chemed Mareches Mem Kelal 68; Likkutei Sichos 19:197, printed in Shuchan Menachem 4:173, based on Kiddushin 39b which brings the opinion of Rav Yaakov that there is no reward of a mitzvah in this world from the fact that a boy died in the process of climbing down the tree after getting the baby birds on behalf of his father. Now, if intent were to be required to fulfill this mitzvah then there would be no proof from this story as perhaps the son did not have intent to fulfill the mitzvah upon doing so, and hence he was not deserving of the reward of life. The fact that this option is not entertained by the Talmud shows that intent makes no difference in this matter and either way the mitzvah is considered fulfilled; See Sifri Ki Seitei 24:19 for a similar ruling regarding tzedakah the main thing is that the pauper received the charity irrelevant of what intent the giver had; See Malei Haroim Erech Mitzvos Tzerichos Kavana 9 regarding the mitzvah of circumcision that the mitzvah is fulfilled by physically doing the circumcision even if there wasn’t intent to fulfill the mitzvah; Likewise, see Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 1 regarding the mitzvah of having children, that the mitzvah is fulfilled once one has a male and female child even if there was no intent to do so for the sake of the mitzvah

[20] Michaber Y.D. 240:1; Braisa Kiddushin 30b; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 371; Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 560 footnote 9-11

[21] The reason: As this command to honor [and fear] one’s parents is connected with the verse which discusses the honoring of G-d [“Kabed Es Hashem Mihonecha,” Mishleiy 3:9]. [Kiddushin 30b and 32a; Rambam Mamarim 6:1 “This command to honor and fear one’s parents is weighed by Scripture equal to the Mitzvah to honor and fear G-d, as both verses commanding one to honor and fear his father and mother contains connecting verses which command one to honor and fear G-d. Just as G-d commanded one to honor and fear His great name so too he commanded us to honor and fear our parents.”]

[22] Rambam Mamarim 6:1; 6:2 “One who curses his father or mother is liable for death by stoning, as is one who blasphemes G-d, and hence we see that Scripture has made them equal regarding the punishment.”; Kiddushin 30b and 32a “In the verse regarding honoring one’s parents it states “honor your father and mother” and in another verse it states “honor G-d with your money.” We hence see that Scripture has equated the honor of one’s father and mother to the honor of G-d. Regarding fear, the verse states “a man shall fear his father and mother” and in another verse it states that “and Hashem your G-d you shall fear him and Him you shall serve.” Hence we see that Scripture has equated the fear of one’s father and mother to the fear of G-d. Likewise, the verse states that a person who curses his  father or mother is put to death and in another verse it states that one who curses G-d is liable for his sin. Hence, we see that Scripture has equated the cursing of a parent to the cursing of G-d. Nonetheless, regarding hitting a parent it is not possible for it to be equated to G-d being that it is not possible to hit G-d. The reason for this is because there are three partners in the creation of man.”

[23] Tanchuma Parshas Eikev 2; Yerushalmi beginning of Peiah 1:1 and Kiddushin 1:7; See Kiddushin 31b that due to its severity and demanding details, Rebbe Yochanon stated that from a certain perspective, one who has not met his parents benefits from the fact that he will not be subject to being punished for not properly honoring them. Likewise, Rebbe Ze’ira once expressed sorrow that he was an orphan who never met his parents and was never able to fulfill the mitzvah of honoring them, and later after learning of the severity of this mitzvah exclaimed that he is indebted to G-d for not having been challenged with this mitzvah. [Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1]

[24] Yearos Devash 2:2 and 12                                                              

[25] Kiddushin ibid

[26] Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1

[27] See Noam Elimelech Parshas Vayeitzei; Rachamei Ha’av 2

[28] See Targum Yonason Ben Uziel Vayishlach 32:12; Bereishis Raba 82:14; Devarim Raba 1:5; Zohar 1:146; Likkutei Sichos 36:91 footnote 10

[29] See Tanchuma 8 and Pesikta Rabasi 23 that Moshiach cannot come until Esav receives his reward for honoring his parents

[30] Rambam Mamarim 6:1; Sefer Hamitzvos Rambam Asei 210;  Maharsham O.C. 36 “There is no greater mitzvah than the mitzvah to honor one’s father and mother which is connected with the honor of G-d.”; Hakdamas Bahag; Sefer Hamitzvos Rasag Asei 9; Semag Asei 112; Chinuch 33; See Yerushalmi Peiah 1:7 that this mitzvah of honoring one’s parents in the eyes of G-d is even greater than the mitzvah to honor Him Himself.

[31] Kiddushin 30b

[32] As a man “Ish” and woman “Isha” both contain the Yud and “Kei” of G-d’s name. Thus, it is considered that G-d is dwelling within them, and by them being honored one is likewise honoring Him. When however, there is lack of honor, then G-d does not dwell his name of Yud “Kei” within the parents and they thus remain “Eish” Eish”, fire with fire. The reason that the parents get punished for this is because they brought up a son which does not honor them. [Agados Maharsha]. Based on this perhaps one can explain the connecting between chapter 240 in Orach Chaim and this current chapter which is also 240. As when parents fulfill the proper form of kedusha in their marriage, which is the laws mentioned in 240 Orach Chaim, then they merit that the sons fulfill the laws of Kibud Av Vaeim in 240 Yoreh Deah.

[33] Menoras Hamaor 13

[34] Kiddushin 31b

[35] Harash Peiah 1; Yireim Mitzvah 222; Meiri Kiddushin 31b

[36] Peiah 1:1; Kiddushin 39b; Shabbos 127a; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 373

[37] Meiah Shearim Shaar Vav

[38] Seder Hadoros Erech Rebbe Yehoshua Ben Alam

[39] Is the promise for long life to be taken literally? Although there is an opinion in the Talmud which states that the intent of all the rewards in the Torah for long life is for the world to come and not in this physical world, as can be proven from the fact that there was once a child who on instructions of his father climbed up a tree to shoo away a mother bird, and on his way down he died. Even though two mitzvahs with a promise of long life were performed simultaneously by this child, he still died, hence proving the intent of the reward is only for the next world. [Rebbe Yaakov in Kiddushin 39b; See Rambam Teshuvah 9:1; Likkutei Sichos 19:197] Nonetheless, from the fact that the Mishneh ibid explicitly states that we reap the fruits of this mitzvah in this world implies that we do not rule like this opinion. This is in addition to the fact that it is clearly evident from the Talmud that other opinions disagree with Rebbe Yaakov.

[40] Devarim 5:16

[41] Tana Dvei Eliyahu Raba 26

[42] Rabbeinu Bechayeh Yisro in name of Rav Sadya Gaon

[43] Or Hachaim Hakadosh Shemos 20:12; Ahavas Shalom Kedoshim; Perhaps this indeed is the intent of the Mishneh Peiah ibid regarding eating the fruits in this world while retaining the reward for the next world

[44] Yearos Devash 2:2; See also Radak Shoftim 6:11

[45] See Tanchuma Parshas Kedoshim 15; Midrash Raba Bamidbar 14 regarding Naftali; Pesikta Parshas Bereishis; Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 9; Midrash Rebbe Eliezer Ben Rebbe Yossi Hagelili; Midrash Talpiyos Anaf Kibbud Av Vaeim; Or Hachaim Hakadosh Vayikra 19; Pela Yoetz Erech Kibud Av Vaeim; Megilas Yuchsin Toldos HaMaharal MePrague p. 7; Sefer Meiah Shearim Shaar 5;

[46] Tochachas Chaim Parshas Toldos

[47] Tanchuma Parshas Kedoshim 15; Meiah Shearim Shaar Vav

[48] Kiddushin 31a; Yerushalmi Kiddushin 20b

[49] See Tanchuma Parshas Noach 15; Chareidim Asei 1:37; Sefer Chassidim 342; Chinuch Mitzvah 21 and Pesikta Rabasi 23 “His punishment is very great”; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 372

[50] Rashi Shemos 20:12; Mechilta Shemos 20:12; Pirkei Derebbe Eliezer 39 regarding Yosef; See Sotah 13b; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 373

[51] Mechilta ibid

[52] Derashos Chasam Sofer Shavuos; Midrash Aseres Hadibros Dibbur Hei

[53] Sefer Hachinuch Mitzvah 33

[54] Rif and Rosh Yuma Chapter 8

[55] Michaber 241:6; Tur 241; Rambam Mamarim 5:15; Pesakim Uteshuvos 241:6; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 372

[56] Devarim 27:16

[57] Sefer Chareidim Asei 1:35; Shiyurei Bracha 241:2; Lev David 19; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:23

[58] Chofetz Chaim Pesicha Asei 10

[59] Meshech Chochmah Parshas Ki Savo

[60] Shaareiy Teshuvah of Rabbeinu Yona3:21; Chareidim 9:35

[61] Chareidim ibid

[62] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 372 footnote 30.

[63] Mishlei 30:17

[64] Sefer Chareidim Asei 1:35

[65] See Rambam Mamarim Chapter 7; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Ben Sorer Umoreh

[66] Chida in Shiyurei Bracha 241:3; Sefer Chassidim 573; Nachal Kadmonim Parshas Shemos; Yosef Ometz 87

Other opinions: Some Poskim question whether one is required to ask forgiveness from his parents if he did not properly honor or fear them, as perhaps this command is between man and G-d and hence one must only ask forgiveness from G-d. [Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33] However, certainly if one’s parent was offended by the child then according to all opinions the child must ask them for forgiveness as would apply if they offended any other person.

[67] Rambam Hilchos Teshuvah; Shemos Raba 23:3; Zohar 2:217; Yuma 6b

[68] See Shaar Ruach Hakodesh of Rav Chaim Vital Tikkun Ches [fast 26 fasts]; Tikkun Tes [fast 45 fasts, Gematria of Av Eim with Kolel]; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:22 [redeem with charity if weak]; Tanya Igeres Hateshuva chapter 3 [today that we are weak redeem with charity]

How much money to give to charity: One should give money to charity in accordance with his affordability. If one can afford it, he should give the value of 13 grams of silver to charity which is the equivalent of 12 Peshutim, per day of fasts. If one can afford to give more, than he should give more, and if one can’t afford to give the above amount then he should give less, each person according to his capability, as the main thing is to feel the pain of the money. [See Admur 334:28; Rama 334:26; Terumas Hadeshen Pesakim 60; M”A 568:33; Az Nidbaru 5:51; Piskeiy Teshuvos 334:10; Pesakim Uteshuvos Y.D. 240:1 footnote 22] One is to give the charity to poor Torah scholars and other charitable institutions.

[69] Mishivchei Rebbe p. 48

[70] Likkutei Sichos 39:239

[71] See Likkutei Sichos 36:90

[72] Chinuch Mitzvah 33 “The root of this command is due to that it is befitting of a person to recognize and act with kindness towards one who has been kind to him. One should not be ungrateful and ignore as this is a most evil and repugnant trait before G-d and people. One is to recognize the fact that his father and mother are the ones who are responsible for bringing him into the world and accordingly it is fit that he gives them all the honor and assistance that they are capable of. One must also recognize that his parents put much effort into him when he was young. When a person has this form of recognition and gratefulness to his parents, it will lead for him to also develop this recognition and gratefulness towards G-d who is the cause of the existence of his parents, up until the first man and is the one responsible for bringing him into the world and giving him all his needs, and health and sanity, of which without it he would be like a horse and mule who have no knowledge. A person will then conclude from this how much he must be careful in the service of G-d.”; Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1 and Kiddushin 1:7; Chareidim 9:37; Keli Yakar Yisro 20:12; Even Ezra 20:1

[73] Chinuch ibid; Even Ezra ibid; See Likkutei Sichos ibid p. 91 as to why Ramban 20:12-13 omits this point.

[74] Chinuch ibid; Likkutei Sichos ibid; See also Tosafus Hadar Zekeinim on Yisro 20:12

[75] Ramban Yisro 20:13; See Halacha 1A in Q&A!

[76] Likkutei Sichos 36:91

[77] Likkutei Sichos 36:94-95

[78] Abarbanel Yisro 20:12

[79] Kiddushin 30b; Nida 31a; See Ramban 20:12-13; Likkutei Sichos ibid p. 91-92

[80] Likkutei Sichos ibid p. 92 [see there that it is for this reason that the Ramban still held that honoring one’s parents is a command between man and G-d.]

[81] Or Torah Yisro 8:3003; Sefer Hamarim 5658 p. 118; Likkutei Sichos 36 p. 92-93; See also Or Torah of Maggid Yisro 34a; Likkutei Imrim 123

[82] This answers why this honoring of parents, which is honoring something else other than G-d, is not considered heresy in G-d’s unity.

[83] Rashba 1:18 [Meyuchasos 189]; Or Zarua 1:140; Meiri Megillah 21b; Teshuvas Riy Ben Palat, brought in Abudarham  Tefilos Chol; Binyamon Zev end of 169; Hagahos Rebbe Akiva Eiger 240:1; Ketzos Hachoshen C.M. 97; Tumim C.M. 97; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:1; See Binyamon Zev 169; Sdei Chemed Mareches Brachos 16; Likkutei Sichos 36:91 footnote 8; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 374; Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 563 footnotes 38-40

[84] The reason: As a parent is able to forgive his honor, which would nullify the Mitzvah of honor. [Rashba ibid; Poskim ibid] As it is considered a Mitzvah between man and his fellow and a blessing is never recited by a mitzvah between man and his fellow as perhaps one’s friend will not desire the favor and hence no Mitzvah was performed. [See Chasam Sofer O.C. 54] Alternatively, as a blessing is only said on Mitzvos which are unique to the Jewish people, in contrast to the gentiles. [Binyamon Zev 169; See Aruch Hashulchan 240:4; Shevet Halevi 2:11] Alternatively, one only says a blessing over mitzvah’s that come from time to time and not commands that apply constantly. [Or Zarua ibid] Alternatively, one never says a blessing over a mitzvah that is understood and obligated by the mind. [Shem Aryeh O.C. 1; Taharas Mayim Mareches Chaf 35; Seridei Eish 2:46]

[85] Rama 240:1 “Despite the above obligation to honor [and fear] one’s parents, a Jewish court of law cannot enforce the children to honor their father [or mother], as it is a positive command which contains reward for its fulfillment, of which the rule is that a Jewish court of law cannot enforce laws of such nature.”; Beis Yosef 240 p. 592; Tur C.M. 107; Chulin 110b; Tosafus Kesubos 86a; Rosh Kesubos 9:14; Ritva Kesubos 49b; Meiri Chulin 110b; Ravayah 915; Rabbeinu Yerucham Toldos Adam Vechava Nesiv 1 4:15; See Taz 240:1; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 373; Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 565-566 footnote 52-60

Opinion of Yerushalmi: The Yerushalmi rules that one can force a person to fulfill even a positive command that contains reward by its side. [Yerushalmi Bava Basra end of Chapter 5 and Kiddushin 1:6; Brought in Taz 240:1; Rama C.M. 97:16; Beis Yosef C.M. 97 p. 255; Teshuvos Hameyuchasos Leramban 88; Yerushalmi Bava Basra end of Chapter 5; Chinuch Mitzvah 33; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 373 footnote 41-42]

[86] Implication of Rama ibid; Smeh C.M. 107:2, brought [and negated] in Taz 240:1 and Gilyon Maharsha Y.D. 240:1; Beis Yosef Y.D. 248 that we do not rule like Ritzba in Tosafus Bava Basra 8a.

[87] The reason: As it is a positive command which contains reward for its fulfillment, of which the rule is that a Jewish court of law cannot enforce laws of such nature. [Rama ibid; Poskim ibid; Rav Mari in Chulin ibid] The Gemara there explains as follows: There was once an individual who was not honoring his father and was brought before Rabbi Chisda who in turn tied him up and was about to lash him, as is the rule that one can force someone to fulfill a positive command until he dies [see Kesubos 86a-b]. Rav Mari happened to pass by at that moment and he told Rav Chisda to release the man as we have learned that any positive command which has reward written by its side, a Jewish court of law cannot enforce it. [Chulin ibid]

[88] Taz 240:1; Tosafus Bava Basra 8b in name of Ritzba; Mordechai Bava Basra Remez 480; Beir Heiytiv 240:1; Yerushalmi Bava Basra end of Chapter 5 and Kiddushin 1:6; So rules regarding returning a Mashkon: Rama C.M. 97:16; Beis Yosef C.M. 97 p. 255; Teshuvos Hameyuchasos Leramban 88; Mordechai Kesubos Remez 159, Bava Basra Remez 480; Yerushalmi Bava Basra end of Chapter 5 [The Taz ibid explains that the same applies here by the Mitzvah of Kibud Av. However, the Smeh C.M. 107:2 rules that this exception only applies by a Mashkon, and does not apply to the laws of Kibud Av]

[89] The reason: As the intent of the rule that a Jewish court law does not enforce a positive command which has a reward by its side is not that they are not allowed to enforce it but that they are not required to enforce it, and in truth if they choose to enforce it than they may. [Taz ibid; Rama C.M. 97:16; Beis Yosef C.M. 97 p. 255; Teshuvos Hameyuchasos Leramban 88; Yerushalmi Bava Basra end of Chapter 5] Alternatively, as the intent of the statement is that a Jewish court of law cannot enforce the fulfillment of a positive command which has a reward by its side, to the point of death of the transgressor. However, they may slightly punish the individual to force him to fulfill the command. [Taz ibid]

[90] Mishneh Lemelech Malveh Veloveh 4:5, brought in Gilyon Maharsha Y.D. 240:1; Meiri ibid; Tosafus and Rosh in Kesubos ibid; See Lev Aryeh Chulin ibid; Avnei Nezer Y.D. 171; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 373; Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 566 footnotes 61-64

[91] Michaber 240:4; Avimai Breih Derebbe Avahu in Kiddushin 31b “Avimi, the son of Rebbe Avuhu taught: It is possible for one to feed his father the best poultry meat [i.e. Petumos] and nonetheless be punished, and on the other hand it is possible for one to force one’s father to work in a flour mill and be rewarded with the world to come [if he does it with a good spirit and for good intents-Rashi].”; Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Rabeinu Yona end of Igeres Hateshuvah; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:17

[92] Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1:4; Meiri Kiddushin 31b; See Michaber 249:3 regarding charity that he is lost out of the mitzvah

[93] Likkutei Sichos 19:197 printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:173 footnote 4

[94] Rama ibid

[95] Michaber 240:19; Tur 240:19; Rambam Mamrim 6:8; Rashba 1:18; Rav Chisda in Kiddushin 32a “Rav Yitzchak Bar Shila said in the name of Rav Masna who said in the name of Rav Chisda: A father who forgives us honor his honors.”; Sheilasos 101; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:51; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 426-430; All Poskim regarding son leaning by Seder table on the basis that one can assume that a father forgives his honor for the sake of his son. [See Admur 472:11; M”A 472:6; Levush 472:5; Chok Yaakov 472:9; Abudarham ibid; Kol Bo ibid; Peri Chadash ibid; Derech Hachaim 6; M”B 472:14]

[96] Meiri Kiddushin 31a

[97] Does this forgiveness help even after the fact if the son transgressed and did not perform a matter of respect that was not yet forgiven? Some Poskim rule that in such a case, the forgiveness of the father after the fact only helps regarding the laws of man and his fellow, however, in heaven he still held liable. [Sefer Chassidim 573; Nachal Kadmonim of Chida Pashas Shemos; Birkeiy Yosef 240:13] Certainly, if a father forgives his child after he hits or curses him, it does not help to save him from capital punishment. [See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 429 footnotes 774 and 779] However, by a Ben Soreh Umoreh, the forgiveness of the parent does help regarding certain matters.

[98] Radbaz 1:524 in name of Rameh, brought in Shita Mekubetzes Bava Metzia 32a in name of Rosh, in name of Maharam; Brought in Gilyon Rebbe Akiva Eiger 240:8 [19], Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:16; Tosafus HaRosh Bava Metzia 32a in name of Rabbeinu Meir; Arugas Habosem 3 p. 248; Igros Moshe Y.D. 3:96 “It is an obligation for one to beware of the honor of his mother…and even if she is Mochel, G-d forbid to rely on this.”

[99] Sefer Chassidim 339 regarding standing in his honor, brought in Kneses Hagedola Y.D. 240 Hagahos Hatur 39

[100] See previous footnotes!

[101] Michaber 240:19; Tur 240:19; Rambam Mamrim 6:8; Kiddushin 32a; Sefer Chassidim 565; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 429-430

[102] Sefer Chassidim 152, brought in Kneses Hagedola Y.D. 240 Hagahos Hatur 38 based on Kiddushin 32a; See Yosef Ometz 87; Teshuvah Meahavah 370; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 774

[103] Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:1; 151:2; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid

[104] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 614 footnote 504-508

[105] Birkeiy Yosef 240:13 in name of Imrei Noam; Biur Harav Perlow on Rasag Mitzvas Asei 9; Az Nidbaru 11:31

[106] Sefer Hachinuch Mitzvah 212; Kneses Hagedola 244; Mishkanos Yaakov Parshas Korach based on Setimas Kol Haposkim; Conclusion of Birkeiy Yosef 240:13; Chayeh Adam 67:8 regarding calling another by father’s name; Teshuvah Meahavah 370; Turei Even Megillah 28; Aruch Hashulchan 240:9 regarding sitting in set place in Shul; Chazon Ish Y.D. 19:1; Sefer Limudei Hashem Limud 37 that so is proven from Shut Harashba 1:18; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 773

[107] Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid

[108] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 765-770

[109] Shut Harivash 220 in name of Raavad; Bedek Habayis of Beis Yosef 334; Turei Even Megillah 28a; Kesef Mishneh Talmud Torah 7:13; Shut Haranach Mayim Amukim 69; Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 212; Birkeiy Yosef 240:14

[110] Orchos Chaim Dinei Kibud Av 2; Moshav Zekeinim Vayikra 19:3; Shiyurei Bracha 240:9; Minchas Yitzchak 1:27; Shevet Halevi 2:112-4

[111] Sheilasos Sheilta Samech based on Sanhedrin 84b; Orchos Chaim Dinei Kibud Av 2; Sefer Chassidim 570; 573-574; Leket Yosher 2:37; Shiyurei Bracha 240:8 Pirush Daled

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule a father can forgive his son to allow him to hit him. [Minchas Chinuch 48:3]

[112] Beis Lechem Yehuda 242:32; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:51; However, see Sefer Chassidim 152

Does one receive punishment if he transgressed a matter of respect without knowing that his parent was forgiving of it before hand? Some Poskim rule that if the father was testing his child and, in his heart, forgave his respect if the child would fail the test, then his forgiveness helps to absolve the child from any punishment. However, if the child went ahead on his own and performed a matter of lack of respect without receiving his parents’ forgiveness beforehand, then he requires atonement. [Birkeiy Yosef 240:13; Yosef Ometz 87; Bris Olam on Sefer Chassidim 152; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 776-778]

[113] Yosher Horaiy  6:1; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid; See Chayeh Adam 67:8; Aruch Hashulchan 240:9; All Poskim regarding son leaning by Seder table on the basis that one can assume that a father forgives his honor for the sake of his son. [See Admur 472:11; M”A 472:6; Levush 472:5; Chok Yaakov 472:9; Abudarham ibid; Kol Bo ibid; Peri Chadash ibid; Derech Hachaim 6; M”B 472:14]

[114] Sefer Chassidim 152, brought in Kneses Hagedola Y.D. 240 Hagahos Hatur 38 based on Kiddushin 32a [see next footnote]; See Yosef Ometz 87; Teshuvah Meahavah 370; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 774.

[115] See Kiddushin 32a “Rav Huna tore a silk garment in front of his son Raba Bar Rav Huna in order to test him to see if he would get angry. He did so when his son was already angry over another issue. By doing so, he did not transgress the prohibition of Lifnei Iver being that he had already forgiven his honor. He likewise did not transgress the prohibition of Bal Tashchis being that he tore it in an area where it would not lose any of its value.”

[116] Maharam Shick Y.D. 218; Shevet Halevi 2:111-15; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 426 footnote 746

[117] Sefer Chassidim 339; See Shut Harivash 220; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 426

[118] See Kibud Umoreh 9:6

[119] Sefer Chassidim 339

[120] Ritva Kiddushin 32a; Kitzur Piskeiy Harosh Kiddushin 1:53; Shut Haradbaz 8:165; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:26 and 51; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 763

[121] Admur 472:11; Michaber 472:5; Pesachim 108a; Tosafus Pesachim ibid; Kol Bo 50; Abudarham Seder Haggadah; Sheilasos of Rav Achaiy Parshas Tzav; See Peri Chadash 472:5; Kaf Hachaim 472:32; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 430