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4. During Mourning:

A. Marital relations during Aninus:[1]

It is forbidden for an Onen to have marital intercourse during his state of Aninus. This applies even on Shabbos and Yom Tov, and certainly during the week.

Q&A May the relatives of a Goses have marital relations?[2] One whose parent is in a state of Gesisa and his/her death is imminent, is to avoid having marital relations. Nevertheless, from the letter of the law, it is permitted for children to have marital relations even when their parents are in a state of Gesisa.  May one have marital relations with a spouse that was not yet told of his or her deceased relative?[3] If one’s wife was not told of the death of a relative for whom she needs to sit Shiva, it is permitted for the husband to engage in marital relations with her, even if he is aware of the death of her relative.[4] [The same applies vice versa, if the husband is not yet aware of his deceased relative.[5] However, some Poskim[6] limit this only to a case of her starting Aveilus upon receiving the knowledge of the relative’s death, such as if the relative died and was already buried. If, however, she will enter into a state of Aninus upon receiving this information, then marital relations are forbidden. Practically, one who is stringent is blessed.[7]]

B. Marital relations during Shiva:[8]

It is forbidden for an Avel to have marital relations [during Shiva[9]].[10] This applies whether the husband is in mourning, or the wife is in mourning. [An Avel who has marital relations during Shiva is severely punished.[11]] This applies even on Shabbos during Shiva.[12] After the conclusion of Shiva, the mourner may resume marital relations.

Hugging and kissing:[13] One is to be stringent to not hug or kiss during Shiva.

Sleeping in same bed:[14] From the letter of the law, it is permitted for an Avel to sleep with their spouse on the same bed, so long as they are both clothed, him in his clothing and her in her clothing.[15] Nevertheless, one is to be stringent to not sleep with their spouse on the same bed at all.[16]

Harchakos:[17] [Other than the above] all the other laws of Harchakos [distances from one’s spouse while she is impure] do not apply during Shiva, if one’s wife is pure. She may thus pour him a cup of wine, prepare his bed, wash his face, hands and feet, eat together from the same plate, etc. This applies whether the husband is in mourning or the wife is in mourning.[18]

Yichud:[19] It is permitted for a couple to have Yichud during Shiva, with exception to a Chasan and Kallah in certain circumstances. Even if one became an Avel during Yom Tov, he is permitted in Yichud.[20]

Summary: It is forbidden for an Avel to have marital relations during Shiva. One is also not to hug or kiss during Shiva, or sleep in the same bed. However, the other laws of Harchakos do not apply during Shiva if one’s wife is pure. Q&A May one have marital relations on the seventh day after Shacharis? Some Poskim[21] rule that it is permitted to have marital relations on the seventh day after Shacharis, once the Avel has gotten up from Aveilus. Other Poskim[22] rule that the Avel may not have marital relations on the seventh day until nighttime, which is the start of the eighth day.[23]

C. Marital relations during Shloshim:

After the conclusion of Shiva, the mourner may resume marital relations.

D. Yahrzeit:[24]

It is permitted to engage in marital intimacy on the day of the Yahrzeit.

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[1] Michaber 341:1; Rama 341:5; Shach 341:16; Tur in name of Ramban; Tosfos and Mordechai

[2] Sefer Chassidim 744; See Chochmas Adam 154:5; Darkei Hachaim 19:2; Biur Halacha 240:3; Taharas Yisrael 240:24

[3] Sefer Chassidim 408; Chidushei Gershoni and other Achronim in 402; Sheyikadesh Atzmo 57:2

[4] The reason: As she is not obligated in Aveilus until she receives the news of the death. [ibid]

[5] Taharas Yisrael ibid

[6] Pnei Baruch 15:8

[7] Taharas Yisrael ibid

[8] Michaber 383:1; Moed Katan 15b; P”M 240 A”A 9; Biur Halacha 240:1 “Bnei Niduiy”; See Pnei Baruch Chapter 15; Nitei Gavriel Chapter 105

[9] Michaber 380:1; See Darkei Taharah p. 214

[10] The source: This is learned from the verse “And David consoled his wife Bat Sheva and consummated with her.” From here we learn that prior to the consoling it was forbidden. [Gemara ibid]

[11] Moed Katan 24a first suggests, in the name of Shmuel, that he is liable for death from heaven. The Gemara, however, later retracts this statement, although brings from Miseches Semachos that there was once a man who had relations during Shiva and pigs dragged his body or Eiver [after his death].

[12] See Michaber Y.D. 400:1

[13] Rama 383:1; Rabbeinu Yerucham; Admur 184:6; Rebbe Akiva Eiger in name of Rav Zalman of Vilna based on Targum Koheles

Letter of law: Some Poskim rule that, from the letter of the law, it is permitted to hug and kiss during Shiva [Tur in name of Ra’avad; implication of Michaber and Rosh, brought in Shach 342:5] Other Poskim, however, rule that even other forms of Harchakos are forbidden [and certainly hugging and kissing is forbidden]. [Shach 342:5 regarding a Kallah; Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2, Rosh; Admur 184:6 states that the Sages were stringent to forbid hugging and kissing by an Avel]

Ruling by Veses: It is permitted from the letter of the law to hug and kiss during one’s wife’s Veses, although one who is stringent is blessed. The reason for this is because the prohibition of Veses is only Rabbinical; while Aveilus is from words of Kabbalah, which is similar to Biblical.  [See Admur 184:6; Beis Hillel 383]

[14] Michaber ibid; Tur ibid

[15] However, if they are not clothed it is forbidden to sleep on the same bed. [Shach 383:2; Ramban; Tur]

[16] Michaber ibid; Admur Y.D. 184:6 and O.C. Kuntrus Acharon 40:2 [Admur 184:6 states that the Sages were stringent to forbid sleeping on the same bed as an Avel.]

The reason: As we tell a Nazir to avoid entering himself into tempting situations. [Michaber ibid] We are more stringent in this regard, in the laws of Aveilus, than the laws of Tisha B’Av and Yom Kippur, because we suspect that he may come to do it purposely as people are lax in Aveilus. [Taz 40:4; Admur Kuntrus Acharon ibid] We are also stricter in this more than the day of a Veses, because the prohibition of Veses is only Rabbinical while Aveilus is from words of Kabbalah, which is similar to Biblical.  [Admur 184:6]

[17] Michaber ibid and 374:6; Moed Katan 20b; Tur in name of Ra’avad in Ba’alei Hanefesh; Levush 383

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even other forms of Harchakos are forbidden, such as pouring wine for him and making his bed and washing his face, hands and feet and the like. [See Bach 383 in name of Rashal regarding washing face; See Shach 342:5 regarding a Kallah being prohibited in Mezigas Hakos and Hatza’as Hamitah; Rabbeinu Yerucham 22:2, Rosh; Gilyon Maharsha 383 forwards to this Shach, however this stringency of the Shach only applies in that specific case when Yichud is forbidden and not in all cases of Shiva]

[18] Michaber ibid; See Shach 383:1 in name of Perisha

[19] See Michaber 342 and 383:1

[20] Shach 383:3

[21] Implication of Rav Haiy Gaon, brought in Tur O.C. 555 and Taz 555:1 and P”M 555 M”Z 1; Aruch Hashulchan 395:3; Implication of Shach and Taz in 402

[22] Sefer Chassidim 240; Maharam 549, brought in Taz ibid [However, see Aruch Hashulchan ibid that he did not find such a source in the Maharam]; Perisha 395:2 in name of Rashal; Rav Akiva Eiger Y.D. 395; Minhagim Worms p. 306; Misgeres Hashulchan 395; Kitzur SHU”A 216:1; See Makor Chesed on Sefer Chassidim ibid that notes to Moed Katan 24a and Yerushalmi Moed Katan; Nitei Gavriel 136:21

[23] The reason: As the concept of Miktzas Hayom Kekulo only applies regarding the other mourning customs.

[24] Nitei Gavriel 22:22 in name of the Mahrashak

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