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Chapter 14: Seudas Havraah/The First meal after burial[1]
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The first meal eaten by the mourners when they return home from the funeral is called the Seudat Havra-ah, the meal of recovery or condolence. The meal is catered by friends and neighbors and is not eaten from the mourner’s own food. This catered meal is not an intrinsic obligation, and is provided simply because the mourners cannot eat their own foods during the first meal that follows burial, and hence if others do not serve them food they would be required to fast until the end of the first day of Shiva.[2] It is therefore an act of kindness for others to serve the mourners food and hence allow them to eat. This meal retains various laws, restrictions, and menus, as will be discussed in this chapter. |
1. The prohibition/obligation:[3]
It is forbidden for a mourner [who sits Shiva] to eat his own food during the first meal that he eats [after the burial, which is the first meal eaten after the start of Shiva].[4] He is therefore to be provided food by others for his first meal [as explained in Halacha 3]. From the second meal and onwards he may eat his own foods, even on the first day of Shiva.[5] Likewise, from the second day and onwards, he may eat his own food even if he did not eat a Seudas Havraah on the first day.[6] Thus, if for whatever reason the meal was not served on the first day, such as the burial took place close to sunset, the mourners may eat their own foods as soon as nightfall begins.[7]
If there is no one available to send him food:[8] In the event that the mourner was not sent any food, or he is alone in the city, he is not required to starve himself and not eat at all, and may rather partake from his own food.[9] [Nevertheless, it is best, if possible, for the mourner to fast until the nighttime.[10] This however is with exception to Chol Hamoed, Rosh Chodesh, Purim, and Erev Yom Kippur in which case one is not to fast.[11]]
If the Avel does not desire to eat:[12] The mourner is not obligated to eat a Seudas Havraah, provided by other people, so long as he does not eat anything of his own until the 2nd day of Shiva. Thus, if the mourner desires to fast from after the burial until the start of the second day of mourning, he may do so.[13] Once the second day of mourning has begun, he may eat even the first meal from his own food. The second day is considered to have begun from after nightfall of the first day of Shiva.[14]
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Q&A May one snack on his own food prior to the Seudas Havraah? Some Poskim[15] rule it is permitted for the mourner to eat all foods and drinks other than bread [and Mezonos products that are Pas Haba Bekisnin[16]] prior to the Seudas Havraah.[17] Other Poskim[18] rule it is forbidden for the mourners to eat any foods of their own prior to the Seudas Havraah, although they may drink.[19] Other Poskim[20] rule the person must fast, and may neither eat nor drink, until he eats the Seudas Havraah. Practically, the Avel is not to eat, although may drink, beforehand.[21] Havdalah:[22] If the death took place on Shabbos or directly after Shabbos and the mourner did not perform Havdalah prior to the death, then if the burial took place before Tuesday night, he is to make Havdalah prior to eating the Seudas Havraah. He may make Havdalah using even his own wine. May one eat also his own food during the Seudas Havraah? Some Poskim[23] rule it is forbidden for the mourners to eat any of their own food during the Seudas Havraah and all the food must be catered by others. Other Poskim[24] however rule that only the bread and eggs need to be provided by others while all other foods may be eaten from the mourner’s own food. Practically, it is best to first recite Birchas Hamazon and only then to eat one’s own food. However, the widespread custom is to be lenient to only require the bread and eggs to be catered by someone else, while other foods such as chicken and the like, can be eaten from one’s own food even before Bentching. If the mourner mistakenly ate a meal of his own food prior to the Seudas Havraah, is he still to be catered the Seudas Havraah for his next meal?[25] There is no obligation for him to partake in the Seudas Havraah if he already ate a meal of his own food. [Nevertheless, the custom is to do so.[26]] May the mourner eat Hefker food as his Seudas Havraah?[27] No. It is thus forbidden to eat even ownerless food until he is served the meal. |
2. When is the meal to be served/eaten?[28]
A. The general law:
The Seudas Havraah is only required to be served on the first day of Shiva. From the second day and onwards, the mourners may eat their own food even if they did not eat a Seudas Havraah on the first day. Thus, if for whatever reason the meal was not served on the first day of Shiva, the mourners may eat their own foods as soon as nightfall begins and do not need to be served by others.
Burial occurred during the day:[29] If the burial was performed during the day, the meal is to be served anytime up until nightfall. If the Seudas Havraah was not served prior to nightfall, there is no longer a need for it to be served. Thus, for example, if the burial was completed right before nightfall, then after nightfall the mourners do not have to partake in a Seudas Havraah and may eat of their own food right away. [Nevertheless, it is permitted for the neighbors to serve a Seudas Havraah at night even though there is no obligation to do so.[30]]
Burial occurred at night:[31] If the burial was performed by night, the meal is served anytime during the night, and if it was not served that night it is to be served anytime the next day, prior to sunset. [However, as stated above, the mourners may not eat their own foods until they eat this meal, and hence for their sake, the earlier the meal is served the better.]
B. Special circumstances and times of year?
Shemua Kerova/Rechoka:[32] A Seudas Havraah is to be served to the mourner upon hearing the news of his relative’s burial, if he heard of it within 30 days [of the death[33], i.e. Shemua Kerova]. If, however, he only heard of it after thirty days [from the death, i.e. Shemua Rechoka] then he is not to be served a Seudas Havraah.
Child/Nefel who passed away:[34] A Seudas Havraah is not needed to be served after the passing of a child for [whom one does not mourn, such as a child] who passed away prior to being 31 days old and one is not factually certain that he was born after nine months [i.e. Nefel]. [If, however the child was older than 30 full days, then a Seudas Havraah is required to be served to his relatives.]
Shabbos:[35] A Seudas Havraah is not served on Shabbos, even if he heard a Shemua Kerova that day.[36] Furthermore, in such a case, it is not even served after Shabbos.[37]
Erev Shabbos/Yom Tov:[38] If the deceased was buried on Friday close to Shabbos, prior to Bein Hashmashos, the Seudas Havraah is not served to the mourners and so is the custom.[39] [The same applies towards Erev Yom Tov, that if the deceased was buried close to Yom Tov, the Seudas Havraah is not served.[40] See Q&A regarding Erev Pesach! The above law applies beginning from the start of the 10th hour, which is three Zmaniyos[41] hours before sunset.[42] Thus, if the Seudas Havraah was not served prior to the 10th hour, such as if the burial concluded close to, or past, this time, then it is no longer to be served. Nevertheless, it is forbidden for the mourners to eat until the commencement of Shabbos, and start of their Shabbos meal.[43]]
Yom Tov: A Seudas Havraah is not served on Yom Tov, even if he heard a Shemua Kerova that day, even by the second day of Yom Tov in the Diaspora.[44] Furthermore, in such a case that the Shiva is beginning after Yom Tov, it is not served even after Yom Tov.[45]
Chol Hamoed:[46] If the deceased was buried on Chol Hamoed the mourners are to be served a Seudas Havraah after the body is buried. Only the relatives of the deceased [who are in mourning[47]] are to be served the Seudas Havraah.[48] The mourners are to sit on regular chairs at the table upon eating this meal.[49] [However, some communities are accustomed to only serve the meal to the children of the deceased.[50] On Chol Hamoed, one does not serve the mourners the accustomed foods of mourning for this meal, such as eggs or lentils, and rather regular foods, such as coffee and cake/Matzah, are to be served.[51] Some[52] say that the mourners are to be served meat and wine. Some Poskim[53] rule that there is no prohibition on Chol Hamoed for the mourners to eat their own food for the Seudas Havraah and thus they do not have to be fed by others. Nevertheless, it is proper for others to give them food for this meal.]
Rosh Chodesh/Chanukah/Purim:[54] If the deceased was buried on Rosh Chodesh/Chanukah/Purim, the Seudas Havraah is to be served as usual. [Nevertheless, some Poskim[55] rule that one is not to serve the customary mourning foods of eggs and lentils on Chanukah or Purim, and rather one is to serve meat/wine.]
| Erev Yom Kippur:[56]
The Seudas Havraah is served regularly on Erev Yom Kippur.
Erev Pesach: Some Poskim[57] rule that a Seudas Havraah is not served on Erev Pesach in the event that the burial occurred that day or the previous night. This applies even before midday.[58] Other Poskim[59] however rule that up until midday a Seudas Havraah is served while after midday it is not served. Some[60] suggest that it is to be served up until the end time of eating Chametz.
Fast day: When is the Seudas Havraah served if the first day of Shiva [i.e. after burial] is a fast day?[61] On a fast day, since the mourners are also required to fast, a Seudas Havraah is not served. It is likewise not served after the fast and hence they may immediately begin to eat their own food after the fast concludes. One who is not fasting:[62] It is disputed amongst Poskim as to whether a mourner who is exempt from fasting must eat a Seudas Havraah on a fast day, and may not eat his own food until he does so. What is the law if a second relative was buried during Shiva:[63] In the event that a second relative of the mourner passed away and was buried during Shiva, the mourners are to be served a second Seudas Havraah for the second relative. When do the Chasan or Kallah who are within Shiva eat the Seudas Havraah?[64] In the event that the Shiva will begin only after the conclusion of Sheva Brachos [See Chapter 13 Halacha 10], the Chasan or Kallah become obligated in being served the Seudas Havraah on the night after the conclusion of the Sheva Brachos [i.e. Motzei Sheva Brachos]. |
3. Who provides the food:[65]
It is a Mitzvah upon the neighbors to provide food for the mourners in order so they do not partake in their own food.[66] This Mitzvah applies only towards the first meal of the first day [i.e. Seudas Havraah] and not to any subsequent meals.[67] [Nevertheless, some are accustomed to provide food also for the other meals.[68]] Neighbors who do not provide food for the mourner receive a curse and bad omen.[69] The main Mitzvah of the Seudas Havraah is on the neighbors, and it is incumbent upon them to provide food in order to prevent the mourner from resorting to eating his own food.[70]
Making a meal swap:[71] It is permitted for neighbors [who are both sitting Shiva[72]] to provide each other with food for the first meal. They however may not enter into an agreement that each one will provide the other with food, and rather only if one neighbor already provided the other with food, the neighbor who received the food may return the gesture and provide the other neighbor with food during his Shiva.[73]
Men serving women in Aveilus and vice versa:[74] If a woman is in mourning, men are not to provide her the food for her Seudas Havraah.[75] Rather, other women are to provide her food. [If there are male mourners also in the same home as the woman, then men may provide the meal for the entire family of mourners, which include the women.[76] Women may provide men who are in mourning with food for the first meal, although some are stringent.[77]]
Husband serving wife or vice versa:[78] A husband may not provide his wife who is in mourning food for her Seudas Havraah. She therefore may not eat her husband’s food for her first meal.[79] [It goes without saying that the wife cannot provide her husband who is in mourning the food for the first meal from her money, as in truth, all her money legally belongs to the husband.]
Parents/children of mourner:[80] It is permitted for a parent to provide his son or daughter who is in Aveilus the food for their first meal. This applies even if the son/daughter lives at home, so long as they do not pay the parent for room and board. [It is however disputed if a child may provide his parent who is in mourning with food for the first meal if the child rooms and boards by the parent.[81] Practically, if the child has his own money, he can use that money to provide food for his parents.[82]]
Serving a guest, or boarder, or employee, or eating in a restaurant:[83] An employer may not provide the first meal for his employee who is in mourning, if the employer must regularly provide meals for his employee under their contract. [Thus, a Jewish live in-maid would not be allowed to be provided the Seudas Havraah by the family she works for. The same applies for a guest house or hotel, that if the mourner is a paying guest, he cannot be provided the meal by the hotel. The same would apply to a restaurant; that one cannot pay for a meal at a restaurant under the claim that he is eating the restaurants food and not food of his own. Likewise, a boarder who pays for room and board at one’s home cannot be provided this meal by the hosting family. However, a guest, or pauper or orphan, who rooms and boards for free, may be provided this meal by his host.]
4. Who joins the meal?[84]
[The meal is only required to be eaten by the mourners who sit Shiva.[85]] There is not to be a large quantity of people present by the meal to the point that it is necessary to have the people eat in two separate rooms [due to lack of space].[86] [The meal is meant to be private with attendance of only the immediate family members and close friends and supporters, and is not a public condolence event.[87]]
Zimun: A mourner joins a Zimun whether of three or of ten.[88] However, some Poskim[89] rule that this does not apply to the Seudas Havraah, in which a mourner may not join a Zimun. [Practically, the mourner does not join to make a Zimun of ten but does join to make a Zimun of three.[90]]
5. The catered menu:[91]
It is permitted to serve all types of foods and delicacies during the Seudas Havraah, and the mourners may eat of these catered foods to their hearts content. Certain foods are specifically to be served, as will be explained.
Bread: Some Poskim[92] rule it is required for bread to be served by the Seudas Havraah.[93] Other Poskim[94] rule it is not required to eat bread, and they can be served any food. [Practically, it is customary to serve bagels, and other round bakery goods, as the round shape is similar to the shape of an egg and lentils which are foods of mourners.[95]]
Eggs and Lentils:[96] The mourners are to be served [a hard-boiled[97]] eggs, or a cooked dish with lentils, during the Seudas Havraah.[98] They are to begin their meal with these foods and only afterwards move on to eating other [catered] foods, to their content. [The eggs are not to be peeled by the mourners but rather by others.[99] If eggs or lentils are not able to be catered, then the mourners are to be given other foods to eat with their bread, or even coffee and tea.[100]]
Meat:[101] It is permitted to serve/eat meat, and all forms of delicacies, during the Seudas Havraah and throughout Shiva.[102] [This applies towards all Kosher meat and poultry, without restriction. Furthermore, some Poskim[103] rule it is even a Mitzvah and obligation for the mourner to eat meat during the meal. Practically, one is not required to eat meat if he does not wish to do so.[104]] Nevertheless, the mourners are to first be served the eggs and lentils, and may then eat to their hearts desire [of the other catered foods].
Wine:[105] It is permitted to serve/drink wine during the Seudas Havraah and throughout Shiva.[106] [Accordingly, some are accustomed to serve wine to the mourner as part of the Seudas Havraah.[107] Furthermore, some Poskim[108] rule it is even a Mitzvah and obligation for the mourner to drink wine during the meal.[109] Practically, the mourner is not required to drink wine if he does not wish to do so.[110]] Nevertheless, he is to limit his intake of wine, and is only to drink it during the meal, to help digest the food, and not during other times to get drunk.[111]
| Drinks:[112]
It is proper to provide the mourners with drinks for the Seudas Havraah. Delicacies, sweets, and deserts:[113] One is to avoid sending the mourners fancy delicacies and festive sweets and desserts for the Seudas Havraah. The dishes and serving utensils:[114] The dishes and serving utensils used for the Seudas Havraah meal are not to be fancy but rather simple
Placing the food in the hands of the mourner:[115] The bread, eggs, and other catered foods are to be placed in the hands of the mourners by others.[116] Some however are accustomed to place the food on the ground, in front of the mourners.[117] |
6. Havdalah-Burial took place after Motzei Shabbos:[118]
If the deceased passed away on Shabbos [or before Shabbos and was not yet buried], the relatives in mourning are to eat on Motzei Shabbos without making Havdalah so long as it is still prior to the burial. However, after the burial, Havdalah must to be recited [prior to eating or drinking any food[119]; prior to eating the Seudas Havraah].[120] [The mourner may make Havdalah even using his own wine.[121] The blessings over Besamim and Haeish are not recited in Havdalah when taking place on Sunday or onwards, although it is recited when Havdalah takes place on Motzei Shabbos, after the burial.[122] The requirement to say Havdalah applies so long as the burial takes place prior to Tuesday night.[123] If, however, the burial takes place after Tuesday night, Havdalah is no longer recited.[124] If the mourner began eating or drinking and then remembered, he must immediately stop eating or drinking and say Havdalah.[125]]
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Q&A If the Onen said/heard Havdalah on Motzei Shabbos, prior to the burial, must he repeat Havdalah afterwards? Some Poskim[126] rule that if the mourner said or listened to Havdalah prior to the burial, while still in a state of Aninus, he is not required to repeat Havdalah later on. Other Poskim[127] however rule he is required to repeat Havdalah after the burial. If, however, the Onen said Havdalah prior to even discovering the death, then he is not required to repeat it after burial according to all.[128] Are the Pesukim of Hinei Keil Yeshuasi recited when an Avel says Havdalah?[129] No.[130] However, some Poskim[131] write that those Aveilim who are accustomed to wear Shabbos clothing until after Havdalah even during Shiva, may recite the verses of Hinei Keil Yeshuasi in Havdalah. Practically, this was the Rebbe’s custom.[132] |
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[1] Shulchan Aruch Y.D. chapter 378; Pnei Baruch chapter 7; Nitei Gavriel chapter 84
[2] See Michaber 378:5
[3] Michaber 378:1; Moed Katan 27b
[4] The reason: As the verse states that Hashem told Yechezkal “and bread of man you shall not eat.” From here we learn that in general, a mourner is to eat the bread of others. [Moed Katan ibid] This prohibition was made in order to encourage others in giving him food and hence comforting him for his loss. [Or Zarua 2:430; Levush 378] Alternatively, the mourner is saddened and does not care to eat at all, and hence he was prohibited from eating in order so others bring him food and “force” him to eat. [Rabbeinu Yerucham; Beis Yosef 378; Perisha; Chochmas Adam 163:5] Alternatively, as the mourner is required to mourn especially on the first day, and if he was allowed to eat his own food he will not mourn properly, while if he eats others food he will not eat as much. [Shevet Yehuda 378:1] In addition, the food in the mourners home on the first day contains an evil spirit and it is hence unbefitting that he eats from it then. [Shevet Yehuda ibid; Mavor Yabok Sefas Emes 28]
[5] Michaber ibid; Rosh Moed Katan 89; Hagahos Maimanis 4:9 in name of Semag; Eshkol Aveilus 45; Kol Bo Avel 114; Or Zarua; Mordechai
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is forbidden for the mourner to eat his own food throughout the entire first day of Siva, irrelevant of the number meal he is eating that day. [Tosfos Moed Katan ibid, brought in Gr”a; Implication of Rambam Avel 4:9, as brought in Beis Yosef 378; Rokeiach, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 378; Tanya Rabasi 68; Shivlei Haleket Semachos 23; Raavan end of Moed Katan; Opinion in Kitzur SHU”A 205:1] Some are accustomed for the Aveilim to have food catered by others throughout the entire Shiva. The reason is because it is forbidden to do Melacha during Shiva and the paupers may not have what to eat. [Rabbeinu Yerucham, brought in Beir Hagoleh 378; The Beir Hagoleh concludes that so is the custom of the Sephardim]
[6] Michaber and Rama 378:3; Shach 378:5
[7] Rama 378:4
[8] Taz 378:1; Meiri Moed Katan 27a
[9] The reason: As the main Mitzvah of the Seudas Havraah is for the neighbors to provide food in order to prevent the mourner from resorting to eating his own food, and hence if there is no food sent to him he may eat his own food. [Taz ibid]
[10] Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 169:5; Kitzur SHU”A 205:2; See Nitei Gavriel 84:18 footnote 27
[11] Darkei Hachaim ibid
[12] Michaber 378:3; Ramban; Yerushalmi; M”A 581:12; Shach 378:4
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is forbidden for the Avel to fast on the first day of Shiva and he must partake in the Seudas Havraah meal. [Shivlei Haleket, brought in M”A ibid; Hagahos Ashri Moed Katan 89 in name of Or Zarua Aveilus 430, brought in Beis Yosef 378]
[13] Shach 378:4; Bach; M”A ibid
[14] Shach 378:5
[15] Aruch Hashulchan 378:2; Chochmas Shlomo 378; See Zera Emes 2:156 that only mentions Pas Haba Bekisnin as part of the prohibition
[16] Zera Emes ibid
[17] The reason: As the main aspect of the catered meal is the bread, as stated in Yechezkel ibid, and hence other foods are not restricted against being eaten. [ibid]
[18] Divrei Malkiel 2:97 [concludes that custom is not to eat other foods]; Gesher Hachaim 20:2; Yabia Omer 2:25; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83 footnote 7
[19] The reason: As there is no obligation to serve bread by the Seudas Havraah, as seen from the fact that it suffices to serve eggs and/or lentils. [ibid]
[20] Kitzur SHU”A 196:10 in name of Lashon Chachamim, Yosef Ometz and Binyan Yehoshua; See Darkei Chaim Veshalom 982; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83 footnote 9-10
[21] Gesher Hachaim ibid; See Nitei Gavriel ibid that h should neither eat or drink anything beforehand
[22] Kitzur SHU”A ibid; Gesher Hachaim ibid; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83 footnote 7
[23] Yosef Ometz p. 329; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83:5 footnote 11
[24] Aruch Hashulchan 378:2; Darkei Hachaim 5:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83:23 footnote 41 who argue on this ruling
[25] Noda Beyehuda 98; Darkei Hachaim 5 footnote 10; Gesher Hachaim 20:2
[26] See Gesher Hachaim ibid
[27] Meishiv Davar 2:131
[28] Michaber 378:3; Shach 378:5; Radbaz 424, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 378:1; See Tur 378; Nitei Gavriel 8:1
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that if the Avel did not eat the Seudas Havraah on the first day then he must eat it the second day. [Opinion in Tur ibid, Tur concludes with Tzaruch Iyun] Furthermore, some Poskim rule that if the burial occurred on Erev Shabbos and there was not enough time to serve the meal on Erev Shabbos, then it is to be served on Motzei Shabbos. [Poskim brought in Birkeiy Yosef 378]
[29] Rama 378:3; Shach 378:5; Radbaz ibid; Noda Beyehuda Y.D. 98; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 2
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the obligation to eat the Seudas Havraah continues throughout the second night that follows the day of burial. [Nimukei Yosef in name of Ritva, brought in Beis Yosef 378; Chaim Bayad 121, brought in Sdei Chemed Aveilus 102 that so is the custom to serve the Seudas Havraah even on the second night when there was not enough time during the day, following burial, to do so; See Noda Beyehuda ibid]
[30] See Sdei Chemed in previous footnote
[31] Noda Beyehuda Y.D. 98, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 378:2; Gilyon Maharsha 378; Kitzur SHU”A 205:5; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 3
[32] Michaber 378:12 and 402:3 regarding Shemua Rechoka; Mordechai and Nimukei Yosef in Moed Katan; Beir Hagoleh 402:3 in name of Rosh regarding Shemua Kerova
[33] Shach 402:5 in name of Derisha and Bach 399 in name of Rashal; Taz 402:6 that we follow the day of death; P”M 548 M”Z 5; Shvus Yaakov 2:100; Chochmas Adam 171:6; Mahariy Asad 371; Gesher Hachaim p. 264; See other Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 62:3 and his final conclusion to be lenient; Rebbe in Igros Kodesh 6:103 [brought in Shulchan Menachem 5:267] writes that so is the directive of the Rebbe Rayatz to follow the day of death by a Shemua Rechoka
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that we follow the day of burial for a Shemua Rechoka. [Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 402 based on Rabbeinu Yerucham 28:2 argues on the ruling of Rashal that he quoted in Shach 402:5, and concludes with a Tzaruch Iyun; Degul Mirivava 402; Mahariy Viyal 16; Pnei Yehoshua 9; Kitzur SHU”A 206:1; Aruch Hashulchan 402:10]
[34] Michaber 378:6; Shabbos 136a; ; Nitei Gavriel 135:35
[35] 378:11
[36] Michaber ibid; Rama ibid; Ritva, brought in Beis Yosef 378
The reason: As it is forbidden to perform acts of public mourning on Shabbos. [Ritva ibid]
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that he is to be served a Seudas Havraah even on Shabbos and that so is the custom of all Jewry and we never heard of anyone protest this act. [Shach 378:11; Darkei Moshe 378:4; Beis Yosef 393; Chochmas Adam 163:15; Matzeivas Moshe 2 in end that one is to serve meat and wine]
[37] Rama ibid in name of opinion in Mordechai and Nimukei Yosef and that so is the custom
The reason: As since the first day was pushed off, therefore we no longer serve him this meal. [ibid]
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that he is to be served a Seudas Havraah on Motzei Shabbos/Sunday. [Michaber ibid; Mordechai]
[38] Michaber 378:5 in his personal opinion
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that he is to be served a Seudas Havraah even in such a case. [Opinion brought in Michaber ibid; Mordechai end of Moed Katan; Hagahos Maimanis 12] Furthermore, some Poskim rule that if the burial occurred on Erev Shabbos and there was not enough time to serve the meal on Erev Shabbos, then it is to be served on Motzei Shabbos. [Poskim brought in Birkeiy Yosef 378]
[39] The reason: Since this meal is not an intrinsic obligation [but rather is simply served because the mourners cannot eat their own foods], therefore it is better to be nullified due to the honor of Shabbos [that one enters into Shabbos with an appetite]. [Michaber ibid]
[40] Pashut; Nitei Gavriel 84:3; See Admur 529:1
[41] The hours are measured not by 60 minutes but in accordance to how many minutes the day contains. This number of minutes is then divided by 12. The result, is the number of minutes calculated per hour. Thus, in the summer these hours are more than 60 minutes each, while in the winter they are shorter. [M”B 249:16] Thus if there are 60 minutes per Zmaniyos hour that day and sunset is at 6:00 P.M. one is not to start a meal after 3:00 P.M.
[42] Chochmas Adama 163:5; Kitzur SHU”A 205:6; Darkei Hachaim 5:9; Gesher Hachaim 20:2-11; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 84:3 footnote 4; Pnei Baruch 7:6; See Admur 249:9 and our Sefer “The Laws & Customs of Erev Shabbos” chapter 5!; See Sdei Chemed Aveilus 100 that the term “close to dark” stated in the Michaber refers only to one who is accustomed to eat after the 10th hour and still feel hungry for the Shabbos meal.
Other customs: Some are accustomed to not serve a Seudas Havraah starting from midday of Erev Shabbos. [Lechem hapanim 378 in name of Rashal; Darkei Hachaim ibid; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 84:4 footnote 7]
[43] Chochmas Adam ibid; Kitzur SHU”A ibid; Pnei Baruch ibid; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid; See Halacha 1 in Q&A regarding if one may eat a snack or drink and the different opinions on this matter.
[44] Michaber 378:11 and 401:4; Shach 378:10
[45] Rama ibid in name of opinion in Mordechai and Nimukei Yosef and that so is the custom
The reason: As since the first day was pushed off, therefore we no longer serve him this meal. [ibid]
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that he is to be served a Seudas Havraah on Motzei Yom Tov. [Michaber ibid; Mordechai]
[46] Michaber O.C. 547:8 “One performs Havraah on Chol Hamoed”; Y.D. 401:4 “One only performs Havraah for the relatives of the deceased”; Rosh Moed Katan 59; Ramban in Toras Hadam; Rambam Avel 11:1; Mishnah Moed Katan 24b
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that one does not perform a Seudas Havraah on Chol Hamoed. [Maharam from Eretz Haiy; Semag Aveilus 74; Semak 97, brought in Beis Yosef 401; Ritva Moed Katan 22b; Shivlei Haleket 23; Mahariy Bruna 181; Zera Emes 2:156; Kaf Hachaim 547:35; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 84:11 footnote 18] Some Poskim write that so is the custom, not to serve a Seudas Havraah on Chol Hamoed. [Aruch Hashulchan 401:3]
[47] Tosfos Moed Katan ibid
[48] Michaber Y.D. ibid; This is coming to exclude non-relatives, such as the students of a Torah Sage. [See Tosfos Moed Katana ibid] However see end of Michaber ibid and Michaber O.C. 547:9 that a Seudas Havraah may be served even to the public after the passing of a Chacham, as everyone is considered a mourner after his passing. See M”A 547:5 that the definition of a Chacham in this regard is one who can answer a question in all areas of Torah.
[49] Michaber O.C. and Y.D. ibid that it is eaten on “Mitos Zekufos”-straight beds; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 84:12 footnote 20
[50] Mizbeiach Adama 547 that so is the custom in Jerusalem; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 28:11 footnote 20
[51] Zera Emes 2:156; Daas Torah 547; Chochmas Adam Matzeivas Moshe 2; Kaf Hachaim 547:35; Gesher Hachaim 20:2-10; Piskeiy Teshuvos 548:5; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 84:12 footnote 21
[52] Matzeivas Moshe 2 [of Chochmas Adam]
[53] Igros Moshe Yoreh Deah 2:168; Chol Hamoed Kehilchasa 12:25; Nitei Gavriel 84:14
[54] Michaber 401:4
[55] Chochmas Adam Matzeivas Moshe 2 regarding Purim “In my opinion one is not to serve eggs and lentils but rather meat and wine”; Darkei Hachaim 5:14 regarding Purim; Mishmeres Shalom Hei 10; Nitei Gavriel 123:6; See Nitei Gavriel 84:9 in name of Siddur Beis Oved regarding Chanukah; Piskeiy Teshuvos 696:11
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one is to serve the regular foods even on Chanukah and Purim. [Sdei Chemed 101; Chaim Bayad 125:23]
[56] Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 121:8 footnote 12
[57] Elya Raba 468 and Beir Heiytiv 471:9 in name of Rashal; P”M 468 M”Z 7
[58] P”M ibid
[59] Beis Yosef 378 in name of Mordechai; M”B 471:22 and Shaar Hatziyon 471:26
[60] Shaar Hatziyon ibid
[61] Darkei Hachaim 5:14; See Nitei Gavriel 84 footnote 1 for other opinions
[62] See Nitei Gavriel 83:16
[63] Aruch Hashulchan 378:6
[64] Chaim Bayad 108; Yalkut Yosef; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 112:6
[65] Michaber 378:2
[66] Michaber 378:1; Rosh; Yerushalmi Moed Katan 3:5
[67] Shach 378:1 “There is no Mitzvah involved in the second meal and onwards being that the Avel can now eat his own food”
[68] Some are accustomed for the Aveilim to have food catered by others throughout the entire Shiva. The reason is because it is forbidden to do Melacha during Shiva and the paupers may not have what to eat. [Rabbeinu Yerucham, brought in Beir Hagoleh 378 and Beir Heiytiv 378:6; The Poskim ibid concludes that so is the custom of the Sephardim]
[69] Yerushalmi Moed Katan 3:5; Rosh Moed Katan 89; Beir Hagoleh; Tashbatz 1:168
[70] Taz 378:1
[71] Michaber 378:1; Rosh
[72] Shach 378:2
[73] The reason: As if they pre-stipulated to switch meals it is considered his own food and not his neighbors. Likewise, this can lead to Ribis. [Perisha 378:2]
[74] Michaber 378:2; Rosh end of Moed Katan in name of Maharam
[75] The reason: In order to prevent this from leading to promiscuity.
[76] Aruch Hashulchan 378:2 [regarding husband and wife in Aveilus]; Gesher Hachaim 20:2; Pnei Baruch 7:3; See Tur 378 and Beis Yosef there
[77] See Gesher Hachaim and Pnei Baruch ibid and Nitei Gavriel 83:14 footnote 28
[78] Michaber 378:2; Rosh end of Moed Katan in name of Maharam
[79] The reason: As the husband is obligated to provide his wife with food, and it is hence considered as if it is her food and not her husband’s. [Shach 387:3]
[80] Michaber 378:2
[81] Menachem Aveilim 5 in name of Mishnas Rebbe Eliezer rules it is permitted, as seen from the fact Yaakov Avinu fed Yitzchak lentils. However, the Ruach Chaim 378 lives this matter in question
[82] See Nitei Gavriel 83:25 footnote 43; Pnei Baruch 7:4
[83] Michaber 378:2
[84] Michaber 378:10; Hagahos Maimanis in name of Yerushalmi
[85] Students of a Torah Sage: See Michaber 401:4 that the students of a Torah Sage also participate in the Seudas Havraah after his passing, as they are like relatives. This however is no longer accustomed today. [Nitei Gavriel 84 footnote 11
[86] The reason: In order so it does not appear like a Seudas Mereius, a joyous party of friends. [Shach 378:9]
[87] See Tur 378:10; See Halef Lecha Shlomo 318 that the meal is to be eaten alone
[88] Michaber 379:5; Mordechai; Setimas Michaber/Rama imply that this applies even to the Seudas Havraah. [Degul Merivava 379; See Beis Yosef and Darkei Moshe 379]
[89] Shach 379:6; Mordechai; Rokeiach 313, based on Kesubos 8b; Chochmas Adam 163:21
[90] Degul Merivava 379, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 379:2; Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 83:17 footnote 33
The reason: As a) Its implied from the Michaber/Rama that they negate this ruling of the Mordechai, as writes the Beis Yosef 379. 2) Even the Mordechai only referred to joining for a Zimun of ten people, and one can also explain this to be the intent of the Rokeiach. Therefore, one is only to be stringent regarding a Zimun of ten. [ibid]
[91] Michaber 378:8
[92] Aruch Hashulchan 378:2; Chochmas Shlomo 378
[93] The reason: As the main aspect of the catered meal is the bread, as stated in Yechezkel ibid, and hence other foods are not restricted against being eaten. [ibid]
[94] Divrei Malkiel 2:97
[95] Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83:7 footnote 14 and that so is Chabad custom; See Reshimos 5 [printed in Toras Menachem Tziyon p. 27] that the Rebbe Rayatz at a bagel and fried egg for the Seudas Havraah
[96] Michaber 378:9; Tur 378 in name of Ramban in Toras Hadam
[97] See Nitei Gavriel 83:7 footnote 15; See however Reshimos 5 [printed in Toras Menachem Tziyon p. 27] that the Rebbe Rayatz at a bagel and fried egg for the Seudas Havraah
[98] The reason: This is done in commemoration of the mourning. [Michaber ibid] As eggs and lentils are round and do not have a mouth, similar to a mourner who cannot speak due to his state of sadness and mourning. [Shach 378:8]
[99] Beis Yosef 378 in Bedek Habayis in name of Orchos Chaim Avel p. 532; Rav Akiva Eiger 378
[100] Nitei Gavriel 83:7
[101] Michaber 378:8 [regarding eating] 378:9 [regarding serving]; Rambam 4:6
[102] The reason: The prohibition of eating meat only applies prior to the burial when the mourner is an Onen, however during Shiva it is permitted to drink wine and eat meat. [Shach 378:7]
[103] Hagahos Maimanis 7:7, brought in Beis Yosef 378
[104] Setimas Michaber and Nosei Keilim in Shulchan Aruch; Beis Yosef 378; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83:8 footnote 22
[105] Michaber 378:8 [regarding eating] 378:9 [regarding serving]; Rambam 4:6
[106] The reason: The prohibition of drinking wine only applies prior to the burial when the mourner is an Onen, however during Shiva it is permitted to drink wine and eat meat. [Shach 378:7]
[107] See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83:8 footnote 22
[108] Kesubos 8b, brought in Tur 378, “The Sages instituted 10 cups of wine to be drunk in the Shiva home”; The Tur ibid learns this Gemara literally that one is meant to drink wine and concludes “and so is the custom”; Hagahos Maimanis 7:7, brought in Beis Yosef 378; Beis Hillel 478 that for this reason even a Nazir in Aveilus may drink wine as it is a Biblical Mitzvah and obligation; See however Yad Avraham 378 who argues on his conclusion; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83:8 footnote 22
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the above statement of the Gemara was not to be taken literally as an obligation but rather simply as a giving of permission. [Beis Yosef 378 in explanation of Rambam]
[109] The reason: As the whole purpose of creation of wine was to comfort mourners. [Eiruvin 65a, brought in Beis Hillel ibid]
[110] Setimas Michaber and Nosei Keilim in Shulchan Aruch; Beis Yosef 378 “The custom is not like this approach”
[111] Michaber ibid; Tur ibid in name of Ramban; Kesubos ibid “Since they saw people were drinking and getting drunk, they amended their decree.”
[112] Nitei Gavriel 83:8
[113] Nitei Gavriel 92:11 based on the prohibition to send presents to the mourner; See Rama 696:6 that one may not send Mishloach Manos to a mourner, and M”A 696:11 regarding Mishloach Manos of the Avel and that he is not to send sweets
[114] Mishnah Moed Katan 23a; Aruch Hashulchan 378:7; Vetzaruch Iyun as to why this ruling was omitted from the Michaber
[115] Yifei Laleiv 378; See Michaber 167:17; Admur 167:21
[116] The reason: As the Avel does not desire to eat and hence it is to be placed in his hands to encourage him to eat. [ibid]
[117] Gesher Hachaim, brought in Nitei Gavriel 83:7
[118] Michaber 341:2; Tur 341 in name of Maharam of Rothenberg; Taz 396:1; Shach 396:1 and Nekudos Hakesef; See Nitei Gavriel 29
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule the Onen is not to recite Havdalah even after the burial, as once he is exempt the exemption remains in place even later. [Tur in name of Rosh; Rosh [student of Maharam] in end of Moed Katan; brought in Taz 396:1; See Taz ibid why this ruling here of the Michaber like the Maharam does not contradict his ruling his ruling in 396:3 like the Rosh even though it is the same dispute; See also Shach 396:1 and Nekudos Hakesef] Other Poskim rule an Onen is obligated in Havdalah even before the burial. [Sefer Haitim in name of Rav Shmuel Hanagid]
[119] Admur 299:8; Rosh Brachos 3:2
[120] The reason: As the time of Havdalah even initially extends until Tuesday and is not considered Tashlumin. Therefore, although the mourner was initially exempt, now he has become obligated after the burial. [Taz ibid; Shach ibid and in Nekudos Hakesef]
[121] Kitzur SHU”A 196:10; Darkei Hachaim 3:9; Gesher Hachaim 20:2; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 83 footnote 7 and 29:7 and 118:8
[122] 299:9
[123] Shach 341:12; Taz 341:6; Admur 299:8; Rama 299:6; 1st opinion in Michaber 299:1
Other Opinions: Some Poskim rule that past Sunday one can no longer say Havdalah. [2nd opinion brought in Michaber 299:6] Based on this, some Poskim rule that he is to say Havdalah without Hashem’s name. [Ben Ish Chaiy Vayeitzei 2; Kaf Hachaim 299:26 and 3] Furthermore, some Poskim rule that from Sunday night and onwards the obligation of Havdalah is only Tashlumin [Chasam Sofer 17; Sdei Chemed Asifas Dinim Mareches Hei 15], and based on the explanation of the Taz 396:1, according to these Poskim the Avel is exempt from Havdalah if the burial takes place on Sunday night or later. However, the Taz 341:6 and Shach 341:12 explicitly extend the period of Havdalah until Tuesday night, and so writes the Rebbe in Likkutei Sichos 31 Yisro 2 footnote 42 that according to Admur ibid, Havdalah is never Tashlumin and can initially be done until Tuesday night.
[124] Poskim ibid
[125] Admur 299:8; Rama 299:6; 1st and 2nd opinion in Michaber 299:6
Other Opinions: Some Poskim rule if one ate prior to saying Havdalah over wine, then on Sunday or onwards he can no longer say Havdalah. [3rd opinion brought in Michaber 299:6] Admur rules like the first opinion
[126] Panim Meiros 2:149 [said Havdalah], brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 341:19; Beis David 164 [Heard Havdalah], brought in Birkeiy Yosef 341:19; Shalmei Tzibur p. 180; Chaim Bayad 125; Shevet Halevi 3:167; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:3 footnote 6-7; See Birkeiy Yosef ibid that there is no difference between hearing and saying in this regard. See however Nesiv Hachaim 247:8 who rules like the Panim Meiros regarding if he said Havdalah and like the Birkeiy Yosef [brought next] regarding if he heard Havdalah. Perhaps he holds that there is an Anan Sahadi?? that one does not want to be Yotzei against Halacha and hence even though he had in mind to be Yotzei it’s as if he did not have in mind-Vetzaruch Iyun!
[127] Birkeiy Yosef ibid in name of Hagahos Maimanis Avel 4, Rosh Brachos 3 in name of Maharam, Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv who all rule explicitly that if he heard he is not Yotzei. The Birkei Yosef himself does not conclusively write like either opinion, although strongly questions the former opinion
[128] Daas Torah 341 based on Yalkut Shimoni that Berurya delayed telling him of the son’s death until after he made Havdalah, brought in Nitei Gavriel 29:4; See Michaber 402:12
[129] Piskeiy Teshuvos 296:6; Nitei Gavriel 118:9
[130] Pischeiy Teshuvah 376:2 and 391:1 in name of Har Karmel 20; Darkei Hachaim 8:10; Pnei Baruch 20:2
[131] Nitei Gavriel ibid in name of Mishnas Yaakov 192b
[132] Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 18; Heard from Rabbi Leibel Groner
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