7. When to start Shiva if one will not be attending the burial:[1]

A. Burial taking place within the same city or near the city:[2]

If the burial will be taking place within the city, or close by[3], and a mourning relative will not be attending the burial, then that relative is to wait until the burial is complete and he is informed of its completion[4], to begin Shiva and Shloshim. [The practical ramification is if the burial took place after nightfall, in which case one will only begin counting Shiva from that night. Likewise, if the burial took place by Bein Hashmashos of Yom Tov, they will have to count Shiva from after Yom Tov.[5] Practically, in a time of need, such as Erev Yom Tov, or before night, it suffices to follow the estimated time of burial, and begin Shiva, even if one was not informed.[6]]

B. Burial taking place in a different country or city:[7]

If a mourning relative will not be attending the burial, and the burial will be taking place in a different country [or city[8]] and he will thus not know when the burial is complete, then [if there is no Halachic status of Gadol Habayis who is going to the burial, as explained next] this mourner is to begin sitting Shiva and counting Shloshim as soon as he is done escorting the deceased on his journey to burial.[9] [This applies even today when the relatives can be instantly informed of the conclusion of the burial through telephone.[10] Thus, if the relative will not be flying to the burial which is in another state or country, but will attend the funeral which is taking place in his city, then as soon as he exits the funeral, he begins counting Shiva.[11] Furthermore, even if both the funeral and burial is taking place in another city or country, and one does not plan to attend either the funeral or the burial, one is to begin sitting Shiva immediately upon making this decision to not attend.[12]] However, all those who plan to attend the burial, delay starting Shiva until the burial is complete [even if the Gadol Habayis is not going to the burial[13], and hence it ends up that the relatives begin and end the Shiva on different days]. [If, however, those attending the burial plan to return during Shiva to the home of the relatives who did not attend, then everyone is to begin the count of Shiva prior to heading out for the burial.[14]] In the event that the remaining relatives began Shiva after escorting the deceased onto his journey, and it then became discovered that the body will not be able be brought to burial for a long time, they nevertheless do not need to stop their Shiva, or sit Shiva again after the burial.[15]

The law of the Gadol Habayis-Family leader:[16] In all cases that some of the mourning relatives will be attending the burial in another country while others will not, and the leader of the family will be attending the burial, then even those who remain home and will not be attending the burial, delay starting Shiva until the burial is over and the leader of the family begins Shiva.[17] [This, however, only applies if: 1) The burial and start of Shiva of the family leader will be taking place within three days from the travel [or death], otherwise those remaining are to begin Shiva right away despite the family leaders delay.[18] Likewise, it only applies if: 2) The family leader lives in the area of the burial, and 3) will remain in the area of burial for the entire Shiva. If, however, he does not live there, or does live there but plans to return to the area of the other relatives, then the remaining relatives count from the time they return from escorting the deceased. Furthermore, if  the family leader plans to return to the area of the remaining relatives during Shiva, then even he is to start the count of Shiva[19] together with them.[20] In the event that the family leader will not be attending the burial, then those who will be attending do not follow his status, and begin Shiva only after the burial.[21]]

Definition of Gadol Habayis-Family leader:[22] The family leader is defined as the decision maker of the family, of whom everyone follows his decisions, whether it be a brother of the deceased, or his son [i.e. the one in charge of the estate]. Some say even a son who is still a child can be considered the family leader, however, others rule he must be 13 years old to receive this status. [The husband of a deceased woman is considered the family leader in this regard.[23]]

Summary: Whenever a mourning relative will not be attending the burial, then if the burial is taking place in his city, or near his city, the relative is to wait until the burial is complete to begin Shiva and Shloshim. If, however, the burial will be taking place in a different country or city, then if there is no Halachic status of Gadol Habayis who is going to the burial, this mourner is to begin sitting Shiva and counting Shloshim as soon as he is done escorting the deceased on his journey to burial. If both the funeral and burial is taking place in another city or country, and one does not plan to attend either the funeral or the burial, one is to begin sitting Shiva immediately upon making this decision to not attend. The status of Gadol Habayis: The following is the Halachic definition of the Gadol Habayis which effects that even those who remain home and will not be attending the burial, delay starting Shiva until after the burial: 1.      The family leader is the decision maker of the family, of whom everyone follows his decisions, whether it be a brother of the deceased, or his son [i.e. the one in charge of the estate]. 2.      The family leader is attending the burial, 3.      The burial will be taking place within three days from travel [or death]. 4.      The family leader lives in the area of the burial, 5.      The family leader will remain in the area of burial for the entire Shiva. Examples: Ø  Deceased is traveling elsewhere for burial: One’s relative passed away in New York and is being buried in Eretz Yisrael. Any relative who is in New York and will not be traveling to Eretz Yisrael for the burial is to begin Shiva as soon as the flight takes off in New York, or as soon as he leaves the New York funeral and returns home [if the law of Gadol Habayis does not apply]. Ø  Deceased passed away in different country: One’s relative passed away in Eretz Yisrael and is being buried there. Any relative who will not be traveling to Eretz Yisrael for the burial is to begin Shiva as soon as he receives this information [if there is no Halachic status of Gadol Habayis]. Practical directive for relatives waiting to be informed of the burial:[24] In all cases that the relatives are in wait to begin Shiva until they are informed of the completion of the burial, they are not yet to remove their leather shoes, sit on a low stool, or begin eating the Seudas Havraah, until they are informed. Does the above law of starting the Shiva right away [if the burial is in a different country and one will not be attending] apply even if the deceased passed away in that country?[25] Ø  Example: One’s relative passed away in Eretz Yisrael and is being buried there. If a relative is in New York and will not be traveling to Eretz Yisrael for the funeral or burial, when is he to begin Shiva? Some Poskim[26] rule that in the event that a relative was informed of the death prior to the burial, and he is in a different city, then he remains in the state of Aninus until he is informed of the completion of the burial, at which time he begins Shiva. Other Poskim[27], however, rule that if one will not be attending the funeral/burial and all of the responsibilities of burial have been handed to others, such as the Chevra Kadisha, then the laws of Aninus do not apply. According to this latter opinion, some Poskim[28] rule that the Shiva therefore begins right away, from the time of discovery of death and decision to not travel to the funeral/burial. Other Poskim[29], however, learn that according to this opinion, he is in a state of limbo between Aninus and Aveilus, and does not start Shiva until after the burial. [Practically, the accepted ruling is that the mourner does not enter into Aninus, and is to immediately begin Shiva as soon as he is informed of the death.[30] Thus, in the event that he is informed of the death before Yom Tov and the burial will only take place after Yom Tov begins, he is to immediately begin Aveilus, and hence have it canceled when Yom Tov enters.[31]] Does the above law of starting the Shiva right away [if the burial is in a different country and one will not be attending] apply even today when technology allows us to be informed right away of the conclusion of the burial?[32] Some Poskim[33] imply and rule that the main aspect of this law is not the knowledge of the exact time of burial, but the removal of one’s mind from the burial [i.e. Yiush] due to one’s lack of attendance. Accordingly, even in today’s times that one can be immediately informed of the conclusion of the burial, and can even participate in it through a live hookup, they are still to begin Shiva as soon as they leave the funeral procession, or are informed of the death and decide not to travel to the funeral/burial. From other Poskim[34], however, it is implied that the main aspect is whether one can be informed right away as to the time of burial, and hence since today due to advanced technology this is readily possible, therefore all relatives today are to delay starting Shiva until after the burial, even if they do not plan to attend and it is taking place in another country. Practically, we rule like the former approach, and hence even today one who will not be traveling to the funeral/burial which will take place in another state or country is to begin the Shiva right away.[35]   If the cemetery is about an hour to two-hour drive from the city, when are the relatives who are not attending the burial to begin Shiva?[36] Some Poskim[37] rule that even by such a distance of one to two hours, since the relatives can be informed within a few hours as to the conclusion of the burial, therefore they are to wait until after they are informed. This especially applies today that they can very easily be informed by phone. However, some Poskim[38] rule that if the cemetery is an hour or more distanced from the city then it is no longer defined as close to the city and the relatives are to begin sitting Shiva as soon as they return after the funeral.[39] [Practically, one is to follow the former opinion and delay starting the customs of Aveilus until they are informed, although in a time of need, one may be lenient to begin the Aveilus right away, such as if it is close to sunset.[40]]

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[1] See Michaber 375:2; Shach 375:2

[2] Shach 375:1 and 10 in implication of Michaber 375:2 and Rama 375:7; Beis Yosef 375; Ramban; Chochmas Adam 162:5; Kitzur SHU”A 204:2; Nitei Gavriel 133:2

[3] Shach ibid; Ramban; Beis Yosef 375; See Beir Heiytiv 375:1; Nitei Gavriel 133:3 and Q&A below for exact definition

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that as soon as the procession leaves the city, they begin to count Shiva. [See Beir Heiytiv ibid in name of Bahag; Radbaz 4:63 who is lenient on Erev Yom Tov and Erev Shabbos to allow them to begin the Shiva immediately]

[4] See Shach ibid;

[5] Shach ibid; Beir Heiytiv 375:1

[6] See Pischeiy Teshuvah 375:1 in name of Derech Chaim; Tuv Taam Vadaas 2:215; Radbaz 4:63; Chochmas Adam 169:14; Matzeivas Moshe 9; Kitzur SHU”A 204:2; Aruch Hashulchan 341:10; Nitei Gavriel 133:2; 11-12; 119:2; Vol. 2 3:8; See next!

The law if the mourners who stayed home were not informed that the burial took place before Yom Tov and did not begin Shiva: In the event that some relatives went to the funeral/burial within the city, or its outskirts, while others remained home, then some Poskim rule that if the burial ended before Yom Tov, then the Shiva is nullified even for the relatives who stayed home and did not keep Aveilus due to not being informed on time that the burial was complete. [Radbaz 63; Matzeivas Moshe 9; Nitei Gavriel 119:2; Vol. 2 3:8; See Sdei Chemed Aveilus 14] Other Poskim, however, rule that the Aveilus is only nullified in such a case if one kept some laws of Aveilus before night, even though they were unaware at the time if the burial already took place at that time. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 375:1 in name of Derech Chaim] From other Poskim it is implied that the Aveilus is never nullified. [Shach 375:1; Beir Heiytiv 375:1]

[7] Michaber 375:2; 399:14; Rambam Aveilus 1:5-6

Contradiction from Aninus: Many Poskim rule that the relatives enter into the state of Aninus even if they are in a different city than the deceased and do not plan to attend the burial. [Stam opinion in Admur 71:1 and that so is custom; Michaber 341:1 as explained in Shach 341:5; Taz 71:1; Rosh Brachos 55 and 3:3; Aruch Hashulchan 341:10; See Shulchan Menachem 5:267] This seemingly contradicts the unanimous ruling here that they begin Shiva as soon as they turn their face from the funeral procession. Perhaps, however, one can answer that when one will be attending the funeral, and seeing the deceased go on his journey, then the act of Chazaras Panim is considered like the burial, and that is the Halacha stated here. However, if they are not even attending the funeral, such as if one is in a different country then the person who passed away, then the above Poskim rule that Aninus continues until burial, at which time Shiva begins. [See Meishiv Davar 2:72 who clearly writes this differentiation; Aruch Hashulchan 341:10; See Rebbe in Shulchan Menachem 5:267 who writes that according to Admur ibid he would have had to keep Aninus until the burial; Vetzaruch Iyun as to the logic of this differentiation] The above is only according to these opinions, however, according to the dissenting opinions regarding Aninus, it is possible that even in this case where they will not be attending the funeral or burial the Shiva should begin right away. See Q&A!

[8] See Nitei Gavriel 133:3

[9] As soon as he turns around, to head back from escorting the deceased, he is to remove his shoes and begin the Shiva. Michaber 399:14 writes that as soon as the coffin can no longer be seen outside the city, they are to begin the Shiva.

[10] See Q&A for dispute on this matter and the final ruling is as written here!

[11] See Igros Moshe Y.D. 2:170 that as soon as the plane takes off with the deceased, the Shiva begins.

[12] See Q&A for the dispute on this matter and the final ruling is as written here!

[13] See below regarding Gadol Habayis

[14] See Shach 375:12; Gloss of Rav Akiva Eiger 375:2 based on Shach ibid; Chochmas Adam 162:15; Misgeres Hashulchan 204:1 [unlike Kitzur SHU”A 204 in Lechem Hapanim who negates the Shach ibid for no reason]; Nitei Gavriel 133:9; 11

When do they end Aninus: Seemingly Aninus continues until the actual burial, and it is only the joining of the count with the other relatives that is gained if they plan to return.

[15] Rama 375:7

The reason: As since they were Halachically allowed to begin the Shiva, they no longer have to stop it. [Rama ibid]

[16] Michaber 375:2

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that we do not follow the Gadol Habayis in this matter. [See Kitzur SHU”A 204:3 in Lechem Hapanim]

[17] When does Aninus end for those remaining home? See chapter 3 Halacha 2B for a dispute in this matter! Practically, we rule that the laws of Aninus continue until burial.

[18] Shach 375:3; Raavan p. 38; Aruch Hashulchan 375:10; Nitei Gavriel 134:2

The reason: As it is illogical to suggest that the remaining relatives will stay in limbo without starting Aveilus for so many days until the burial takes place. [Shach ibid]

[19] However, Aninus seemingly continues until the actual burial, and it is only the joining of the count with the other relatives that is gained if he plans to return.

[20] Shach 375:12; Gloss of Rav Akiva Eiger 375:2 based on Shach ibid; Chochmas Adam 162:15-16; Misgeres Hashulchan 204:1 [unlike Kitzur SHU”A 204 in Lechem Hapanim who negates the Shach ibid for no reason]; Nitei Gavriel 133:9; 134:1 that so is the accustomed ruling; 134:5 and 10-11

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the Gadol Habayis is to start the count after burial even in such a case. [See Kitzur SHU”A 204:3 in Lechem Hapanim; So ruled Igros Moshe Y.D. 4:60-5 that only if he is returning to the Gadol Habayis does he count with them. Vetzaruch Iyun!]

[21] Shach 375:2; Beis Yosef 375 in name of Tosfos Moed Katan 22a; Kitzur SHU”A 204:3; Nitei Gavriel 134:4

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that if the family leader will not be attending, then all the relatives are to begin Shiva at the same time as him, even if they will be attending the burial. [Tur 375; Bach 375; Ramban in Toras Hadam p. 47; Rosh Moed Katan based on his version of Yerushalmi; Opinion in Chochmas Adam 162:3; See Shach ibid] Nitei Gavriel 134:4 concludes that one may be lenient like this opinion in a time of need

[22] Michaber ibid; See Pnei Baruch 8 footnote 16 and Nitei Gavriel 133:13-18; 27; 29 and many Poskim in footnote 40 for many details regarding this definition; To note that the concept of Gadol Habayis is also brought in Michaber 375:8 regarding one who traveled to the home of the Gadol Habayis in middle of Shiva, however there the definition is slightly different. [See Halacha 8; Gloss of Rav Akiva Eiger 375:8; Vetzaruch Iyun from Igros Moshe Y.D. 4:60-5 who learns that they have an identical ruling, and hence the Gadol Habayis is only applicable by dependents who are supported by the Gadol Habayis. Vetzaruch Iyun]

[23] Shach 375:4 in name of Rashba; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 133:13-18

[24] Nitei Gavriel 133:4

[25] For general knowledge on this subject see Nitei Gavriel Aveilus chapter 11:3 and chapter 14:2-3; 133:10; 15; Shaareiy Halacha Uminhag 3:136; Koveitz Habracha 8 for an answer of Rav Farkash; Shearim Hametzuyanim Behalacha 196:5

Background: The case under discussion in the Michaber 375:2, and throughout this Halacha, is with regards to one who attended the funeral, escorted the deceased relative, and then returned home while the deceased traveled to its destination country for burial. The question is thus asked regarding the law in a case where the relative is not found in the area of the deceased and will hence not be attending neither a funeral or burial, and will not be escorting the deceased. Do we say that in such a case there is no “Chazaras Panim” and hence no basis to begin the Shiva prior to burial, or do we say that it makes no difference? Practically, this matter is dependent on the dispute recorded regarding whether a person is an Onen is such a situation, and if Shiva begins right after Aninus ends, without any limbo period in-between.

[26] Stam opinion in Admur 71:1 and that so is custom [as writes Rebbe in Igros Kodesh 6:103 that in such a case according to Admur ibid one remains an Onen until burial]; Michaber 341:1 as explained in Shach 341:5; Taz 71:1; Rosh Brachos 55 and 3:3; Aruch Hashulchan 341:10 “Practically, we must rule like the Tur and Michaber and therefore if one was informed by telegram of the death of his relative, he remains an Onen until after the estimated time of burial”; See Meishiv Davar 2:72 that the law stated in Michaber 375:2 that one begins Aveilus early if not attending the burial only applies if one escorted the deceased from his city; See Shaareiy Halacha Uminhag ibid

[27] The following Poskim rule this way whenever the needs of the corpse have been handed to another: Michaber 341:3; Bach brought in Shach 341:5; 2^nd opinion in Admur 71:1; The following Poskim rule this way whenever the relative is not in the same city as the corpse: 2^nd opinion in Admur ibid; Bach 71 and 341 and Rabbeinu Tam, brought in Shach ibid; Ravaya 58; Mordechai Brachos 3; The following Poskim rule this way whenever the relative is both not in the same city as the corpse and others are taking care of the burial needs and he does not plan to attend the funeral: Noda Beyehuda Tinyana 211, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 341:21; So rules also Kitzur SHU”A 196:4; Yosef Daas 341; M”A 548:8; Imreiy Yosher 1:51; Maharsham 2:260; Sdei Chemed Aveilus 14 p. 3456; Igros Moshe Y.D. 1:253; Shevet Halevi 3:168; Cheishev Haeifod 2:152; Sefer Kol Bo [Greenwald]; Rav Pesach Tzvi Frank, brought in Chazon Lamoed; Nitei Gavriel 14:4; 16:2 in Kuntrus; 133:10; 15;

[28] All Poskim brought in footnote regarding final ruling, which include some of the Poskim in previous footnote who explicitly write to begin Shiva; Vetzaruch Iyun if they apply here the law of Gadol Habayis, however, seemingly it should apply.

[29] Meishiv Davar 2:72 “It is obvious that one who does not attend the funeral and escort the Meis that he does not begin Aveilus until after the actual burial, unlike the law in Michaber 375:2”; Imreiy Yosher 1:51; Shevet Sofer Y.D. 102, brought in Igros Kodesh 6:103; Pnei Meivin Y.D. 253; Minchas Yechiel 3:78; See Yabia Omer 4:28 that one may follow this opinion in a time of need; Opinions in Nitei Gavriel 133:15 footnote 25

[30] Maharsham 2:26; Sdei Chemed Aveilus 14 p. 3456; Sefer Kol Bo [Greenwald] in name of Maharsham ibid; Teshuvah Shileima 2:20; Igros Moshe Y.D. 1:253 “They begin mourning immediately since they will not be traveling with them”; Shevet Halevi 3:168 “The main opinion is to begin Shiva immediately upon receiving knowledge”; Cheishev Haeifod 2:152; Chelkas Yaakov 1:108; Eidus Yisrael 51 that so ruled Rav Henkin; Chazon Lamoed 11 that so ruled Rav Pesach Tzvi Frank; Rebbe in Igros Kodesh 6:103 [brought in Shulchan Menachem 5:267 and Shaareiy Halacha Uminhag 3:136] where the Rebbe states regarding the passing of his brother in 1952 that “I followed the ruling of the Achronim that one begins Aveilus immediately”; Nitei Gavriel 133:10 and 15 footnote 19  and 26-27 that so rule the Gedolei Haposkim in Eretz Yisrael and the Diaspora; Rav Yaakov Roza, head of Chevra Kadisha in Eretz Hakodesh; So ruled to me Rav Asher Lemel Cohen via Telephone; Rav Yosef Simcha Ginsberg in email answer; See Yabia Omer 4:28

Wearing Tefillin: See Imrei Yosher ibid, Yabia Omer ibid and Nitei Gavriel 133:16 who write not to put on Tefillin until after the burial. However, according to the Chabad custom, one may wear Tefillin even that day, and so was done by the Rebbe. [See Chapter 18 Halacha 3]

The law if one did not begin Shiva on the day of hearing of the death: According to the final ruling, in the event that one did not begin Shiva upon hearing of the death, despite having decided to not travel to the funeral, nevertheless that day counts as the first day of Shiva, even if they did not begin to practice the formal Shiva laws until the next day. [See Michaber 396:2 and Halacha 9] Seemingly, however, this only applies if at least some Shiva laws were kept on the first day, such as removing the leather shoes or sitting on the ground, otherwise the first day cannot count as the first day of Shiva. [See Poskim in Halacha 3] Nonetheless, there is room to learn that this applies even if no Shiva laws were kept, as perhaps the requirement of keeping some Shiva laws on first day is only in a case that one attended the burial, as opposed to a Shemua Kerova, or if one will not attend the burial. [See Radbaz 63 regaridng those who stayed home nevertheless count the day before sunset as day one; See Igros Moshe Y.D. 3:158-2 regarding Shemua Kerova] However, see Igros Moshe ibid that if the first day of hearing was the day of death, then it never counts as the first day if one was negligent to not keep Aveilus. Practically, upon being asked such a scenario [that she was not flying to the funeral/burial and the death was yesterday], I answered like the Igros Moshe ibid that the day of death does not count as the first day, and she should count only from the second day and onwards, if no Aveilus laws were kept on the first day.

[31] Nitei Gavriel 133:157

[32] See Aruch Hashulchan 375:8; Nitei Gavriel 133:10

[33] Implication of Ramban and Tur who omit the time aspect and mention the aspect of Yiush, brought in Beir Heiytiv 375:1; Nimukeiy Yosef; Maharsham 2:260; Aruch Hashulchan 375:8 that in truth knowing the time of the burial is irrelevant, here and the main aspect is that one removes his mind from the burial; Bnei David p. 91, brought in Nitei Gavriel 133 footnote 17; Igros Moshe 1:253; 2:170; Cheishev Haeifod 2:152;

[34] Implication of wording of Michaber 375:2 and Rambam ibid who mention not knowing the time of burial [see Aruch Hashulchan ibid]; Bach 375 explicitly explains that it refers to a case that he does not know the time of burial; Radbaz 4:63; Shut Maharanach printed in Mayim Amukim 52; Matzor Udevash 26 rules that today one is to wait until a wire comes informing of the burial

[35] Igros Moshe Y.D. 1:253; 2:170; Shevet Halevi 3:168; Cheishev Haeifod 2:152; Chelkas Yaakov 1:108; Igros Kodesh 6:103 [brought in Shulchan Menachem 5:267 and Shaareiy Halacha Uminhag 3:136] the Rebbe states that this is what he did in 1952, although not mentioned explicitly that it makes a difference whether one can or cannot attend the Levaya, in the case of the Rebbes answer the Rebbe was unable to attend the Levaya; Nitei Gavriel 133:10 and 15 footnote 19  and 26-27 that so rule the Gedolei Haposkim in Eretz Yisrael and the Diaspora; Rav Yaakov Roza, head of Chevra Kadisha in Eretz Hakodesh; So ruled to me Rav Asher Lemel Cohen via Telephone; Rav Yosef Simcha Ginsberg in email answer; See Yabia Omer 4:28

[36] See Beir Heiytiv 375:1; Nitei Gavriel 133:3-4

[37] Radbaz 4:63, brought in Beir Heiytiv 375:1 [however he is lenient regarding Erev Shabbos, and Erev Haregel that they can start Shiva right away if the burial took place outside the city]; Zera Emes 3:162; Nehar Mitzrayim 82; See Nitei Gavriel 133 footnote 6

[38] See Beir Heiytiv ibid in name of Bahag; Nitei Gavriel 133 footnote 5 and 17 in name of Bnei David p. 91 and Rabbanim of today

[39] This applies even if the Gadol Habayis went to the burial, as he plans to return to the Shiva home where the remaining relatives are. According to this, then not only are the remaining relatives to begin Shiva at that point, but even the relatives who are participating in the burial, begin counting Shiva from after the funeral, as explained in Shach 375:12.

[40] See Nitei Gavriel 133:4