6. Hamotzi and Birchas Hamazon:[1]

Hamotzi:[2] In a mourner’s home, the most prestige of those present who are comforting the mourners is to recite the Hamotzi over the bread on everyone’s behalf [and not the mourner]. However, on Shabbos, the Avel recites the Hamotzi on behalf of those present, as is usually done.

Distributing the bread:[3] In general, when distributing pieces of bread to those participating in the meal, the bread is to be placed in front of each person, and they then each take the bread from in front of them. If, however, one of the participants is a mourner, the bread is to be placed in the mourner’s hand.[4] This however only apply during the week, while on Shabbos [since] there is no mourning [the bread is placed in front of him].[5]

Birchas Aveilim:[6] [From the letter of the law] when Birchas Hamazon is recited in the home of an Avel throughout the seven days of Shiva, the fourth blessing is to include a statement of mourning. The blessing is read as follows:“Baruch Ata Hashem Elokeinu Melech Haolam… Hamelech Hachaiy Hatov Vehameitiv Keil Emes Dayan Emes Shofet Betzedek[7] Lokeiach Nefashos Bimishpat. Shalit Beolamo Lasos Bo Keritzono, Ki Kol Derachav Mishpat Veanachnu Amo Veavadav, Ubechol Anu Chayavim Lehodos Lo Ulivarcho Goder Pirtzos Yisrael, Hu Yigdor Es Hapirtza Hazos Meialeinu Umeial Avel Zeh Lechaim Uleshalom Harachaman…”[8] In the Shiva home, they are not careful to recite the three Hatavos and three Gemulos that are normally recited as part of the fourth blessing, as they are not mentioned in the Talmud.[9] This applies to both the Avel who is reciting Birchas Hamazon, as well as others who ate with him and are joining for the Zimun.[10] This applies even on Shabbos, if the mourners are eating amongst themselves. If however there are other people present, it is not recited on Shabbos.[11] In addition, some are accustomed to add in the third blessing the dialect of Nachem for mourners, and conclude the blessing “Menachem Tziyon Uboneh Yerushalayim”.[12] [Practically, it is no longer customary amongst Ashkenazi Jewry to recite any of these blessing or added dialects in Birchas Hamazon, and rather the regular dialect is followed as recited the rest of the year.[13] This is likewise the Chabad custom.[14]]

Zimun:[15] A mourner [who ate a meal with other men] joins a Zimun whether of three or of ten. [This applies at all times, throughout Shiva and the period of Aveilus, with exception to the Seudas Havraah, as explained in Chapter 14 Halacha 4-See there! With regards to which meals it is permitted for an Avel to attend, see chapter 19 Halacha 20.] Some are accustomed to add in a Zimun taking place in the Shiva home “Nevarech Menachem Aveilim Sheachalnu Mishelo”.[16] [Practically, this is not the widespread custom.[17]]

Leading the Zimun: It is customary for the Avel to lead the Zimun throughout the Shiva.[18] Furthermore, it is proper for the son to try to lead the Zimun throughout the year [i.e. 12 months] of Aveilus.[19] This however is not necessarily a Chabad custom.[20]

Q&A If one lost his father or mother, is he to still recite the Harachaman that mention his father/mother in Birchas Hamazon?[21] The Chabad custom is to recite the dialect as usual even after their passing.[22]

_____________________________________________________

[1] Shulchan Aruch 379

[2] Michaber 378:13; Hagahos Maimanis in name of Yerushalmi

[3] Admur 167:21; Michaber 167:18; Chochmas Adam 163:16; Aruch Hashulchan 378:13

[4] Admur ibid; Michaber ibid; Rashba 1:278; Bahag Brachos 6; Rambam; Yalkut Shemoni; Kesef Mishneh in name of Midrash; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 167:26

[5] Admur ibid; M”A 167:39; Bedek Habayis in name of Rav Manoach; Bahag ibid

The reason: As public mourning is forbidden on Shabbos. [Levushei Serud ibid; P”M 167 A”A 39]

[6] Admur 189:8; Michaber O.C. 189:2; Y.D. 379:1; Brachos 46b

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that Birchas Aveilim is only recited in the house of an Avel when a Zimun of ten is taking place. [Tosfos Kesubos 5b; Maharam Ravkash 676; Beis Yosef 379 in name of Ramban and Rambam]

[7] Michaber ibid; See Shach 379:1 for additional words that must be added

[8] Admur ibid; Rama 379:1; See Shach 379:2 for additional words that must be added

[9] Admur ibid; Nussach of Michaber ibid

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the three Gemulos and Hatavos are to be recited in the Beis Havel just like is done throughout the rest of the year, as established the Sages. [Shach ibid]

[10] Admur ibid

[11] Michaber 379:4; Tur in name of Ramban

The reason: As it is forbidden to perform public customs of Aveilus on Shabbos. [Michaber ibid; Shach 379:5]

[12] Michaber 379:2; Kol Bo; See Shach 379:3-4

[13] Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 28; Maharam Ravkash 676; Elya Raba 189:3; Beir Hagoleh 379; P”M 189 M”Z 1; Machatzis Hashekel 189:2; Kitzur SHU”A 207:7; Yad Avraham 379; Gilyon Maharsha 379; Likkutei Maharich Seder Birchas Hamazon; Kaf Hachaim 189:12; Gesher Hachaim 20:2-13; This blessing was omitted from Admur in Siddur [See Hiskashrus 645]; Piskeiy Teshuvos 188:3

The reason: As we rely on those Poskim who rule that the blessing is only recited when there is a Zimun of ten taking place. [Beir Hagoleh ibid]

Other customs and Sephardic custom: Some are accustomed to reciting this blessing even today. [Sdei Chemed Aveilus 186; Teshuvah Meahava 3:412 that so did the Noda Beyehuda; Misgeres Hashulchan 373; Piskei Maharash Milublin 30; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 100 :3 footnote 7] The Sephardim are accustomed to reciting the above dialect as written in Shulchan Aruch. [Piskeiy Teshuvos 188:3; Rav Mordechai Eliyahu in his glosses on Kitzur SHU”A 207; See Yabia Omer 6:38]

[14] See Hiskashrus 645 that it is not the widespread custom of Anash and we never heard of the Rebbeim saying it during Aveilus, nevertheless the Nussach was printed in Siddur Torah Or 1987 p. 404

[15] Michaber 379:5; Mordechai; See Admur 189:8

Should they initially eat together to make a Zimun? Some Poskim rule the mourner is to initially avoid eating in a group of three in order to avoid a Zimun, just as is the law on Erev Tishe Beav. [Rav Shlomo Kluger in Chochmas Shlomo 379 and Kinas Sofrim and Halef Lecha Shlomo 318] Others rule it is to be done even initially. [Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 100:1 footnote 3 and Pnei Baruch 10:13 footnote 23]

[16] Michaber 379:3; Kol Bo; See Shach 379:3-4

[17] Omitted from Admur in Siddur

[18] Sheilas Yaavetz 1:74, brought Pischeiy Teshuvah 379:1

The reason: There is no source for this in the Talmud or Poskim, although it is seemingly based on the saying of the Sages that the Avel sits at the head of the table, and the person who is the head should lead the Zimun. [ibid]

[19] Shvus Yaakov 1:102; Pischeiy Teshuvah 375:3 in name of Chinuch Beis Yehuda 91; Yosef Ometz p. 331; Sheilas Yaavetz 1:204; Kitzur SHU”A 204:4; M”B 201:1; Igros Kodesh 3:372 [published in Shulchan Menachem 5:306]; Pnei Baruch 35:18; Nitei Gavriel 65:15

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule there is no source or purpose in leading the Zimun past the Shiva, during the 12 months. [Sheilas Yaavetz ibid]

[20] See Igros Kodesh ibid that when the son is saying Kaddish he did not hear or receive a directive from the Rebbe Rayatz that one is to strive to lead the Zimun.

[21] Sefer Haminhagim p. 45 [English]; Igros Kodesh Rayatz 1:202; Piskei Hasiddur Hakdama that so was the custom of the Tzemach Tzedek; Darkei Chaim Veshalom 308

Other customs: Some write one is to omit this phrase once the parent passes away, and so is the widespread custom of most Jewry. [Siddur Rav Kopel; Daas Kedoshim; Tzelusa Deavraham; Nitei Gavriel 100:9; Piskeiy Teshuvos 189 footnote 4]

[22] The reason: As each one the Harachamans corresponds to the ten Sefiros, and “mother and father” correspond to Chochma and Bina. [ibid]