2. Who is to participate?[1]

The ceremony is to be performed with attendance from the public.[2] Family and friends are to be invited to participate in the ceremony. One should also invite men of righteousness and upright stature to partake in the cutting of the hair.

Rebbe and Tzaddik:[3] It is customary to bring the child to one’s Rebbe, or to a Tzadik, for the sake of him cutting the hair on the third birthday and so that he bless the child that he grow up in Torah, Chuppah and Maasim Tovim. Some would honor the Rebbe to begin the cutting of the hair ceremony. Indeed, by his third birthday on the 18th of Elul the Alter Rebbe was brought to the Bal Shem Tov who was honored with cutting his hair and proceeded to bless the child. Likewise, on his third birthday, the Tzemach Tzedek had his hair cut by his grandfather, the Alter Rebbe, and received his blessings.

If the father cannot be present:[4] Initially, the father is to be present for the haircutting ceremony, as the obligation of educating his son in Mitzvah’s is upon him. Nevertheless, if for whatever reason he could not be present [i.e. divorced without custody, military deployment, away on business, imprisonment, etc] the ceremony may go on as planned, with him appointing an emissary [such as his wife] to do so for him.

May an Avel participate in an Upshernish?[5] Yes. He, however, may not participate in a sit-down meal, or while music is playing. This applies if the meal is taking place outside his home. If, however, the meal is taking place inside of the home of the Avel, then the custom is to be lenient to participate. An Avel may make an Upshernish for his/her son, although a meal is not to be made within Shloshim [unless it takes place inside their home]. However, refreshments may be served.

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[1] Shevach Habris 1:5-6; Nitei Gavriel 9:1

[2] Nechpa Bakesef 2:7; Peulas Tzadik 3:248; Shaareiy Teshuvah 531:7; Sdei Chemed Beis Hakenses 10

[3] See Likkutei Dibburim 3:481 [Alter Rebbe by Baal Shem Tov]; Sefer Hasichos 5700 p. 40 [Tzemach Tzedek by Alter Rebbe]; Shevach Habris 1:5; Nitei Gavriel Chapter 7:2; 14:4; 23:4

[4] Ifrasakta Deanya 161; Nitei Gavriel Chapter 4:4

[5] See Nitei Gavriel 32:4