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2. Crying and mourning-The recommended emotional state of the mourners during Shiva:[1]
One is not to excessively mourn the deceased and one who does so it is a sign that he is mourning the death of an additional person.[2]
Crying and eulogies: The proper measurement of mourning is as follows: One is to cry the death for three days[3], eulogize him for seven days, and follow the mourning laws for Shloshim/12 months. [One who does not shed a tear for the passing of his relative has a very bad character, and it reveals that he has a heart of stone and evil and cruel personality.[4]]
Torah Sage:[5] One may however cry for the passing of a Torah sage for up to thirty days, and may eulogize him for up to 12 months.
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Broken heartedness and not depression:[6] The mourning is meant to be a time of broken heartedness, although not depression. It is for this reason that the Torah instructed one to mourn the death of relatives, even though mourning is a normal natural consequence that follows after a death, in order to turn it into a Mitzvah, and from a Mitzvah cannot come depression. Saying stories of the deceased:[7] Although the Chabad custom is not to eulogize, nevertheless, we do say stories of the deceased. |
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[1] Michaber 394:1; Moed Katan 27b
[2] Michaber ibid; Gemara ibid that a certain woman who mourned excessively had seven children pass away.
[3] See Shulchan Gavoa 380:5 that there is a dispute amongst Rishonim in whether this three-day crying is an obligation, or simply an allowance.
[4] Radbaz 985 [3:555]; brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 394:3; Birkeiy Yosef 394-see there that one may refrain from crying in order so the tears do not damage his eyes, as the main thing is a broken heart.
[5] Michaber 394:2
[6] Yalkut Oros Rabboseinu in name of the Yismach Yisrael of Alexander
[7] Likkutei Sichos 2:504, printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:270
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