Mourner attending Bris:[1]

A. Onen:

If the Onen had a son born to him and his Bris Milah is due to be performed on the day of the burial, some Poskim[2] rule the Bris is to take place prior to the burial. In such a case the Sandek is to recite the blessing [of Lehachniso], and not the father. Other Poskim[3] however rule the Bris is to take place after the burial.[4] Practically, if the burial is able to take place in the morning prior to Shacharis, [or prior to the desired time of the Bris] then the burial should take place beforehand, and if not then the Bris should take place first.[5] [This applies even if the Milah is taking place past the 8th day, it is nevertheless to be preceded to the burial.[6] It is disputed however if this applies even if the father of the child is a Mohel.[7]]

Sandek:[8] An Onen should not be a Sandek.

B. During Shiva:

An Avel during Shiva may not leave the door of his home even for the sake of hearing the blessing of a Bris Milah.[9] He may certainly not participate in a Seudas Bris Milah taking place outside of the Shiva home.[10] This however is with exception to certain cases, as explained below. If the Avel is having a Bris take place in his home [i.e. the Shiva home], then he may participate in the Bris, and may even participate in the meal in his home, [although he is not to sit at the table for the meal together with everyone else].[11]

Father of son: If the Avel’s son is being circumcised during Shiva[12], he may leave his home to participate in the Bris [even if it is taking place on the first day of Shiva[13]].[14] [All the other laws of Shiva continue to apply.[15] He thus may not wear leather shoes[16] and according to some Poskim[17] may also not wear Shabbos clothing, and may not receive an Aliya.[18]These laws apply both to the father and mother of the child.] Regarding if he should make a meal at all in honor of the Bris, some Poskim[19] rule he is not to have a festive meal made on the day of the Bris. Practically, this is not the custom, and rather the meal is made that day.[20] The Avel however may not participate in the meal unless it takes place inside his home.[21] [He is thus to arrange for the meal to take place in his home [i.e. the Shiva home] and he may sit at the table during the meal.[22]]

Mohel:[23] If the Avel is a Mohel, he may leave his house to perform the Milah starting from after [sunrise[24] of] the third day of Shiva, although he must Daven at home [and not where the Bris is taking place]. [He also may not participate in the meal unless it takes place inside his home[25] and may not wear leather shoes[26] and according to some Poskim[27] may also not wear Shabbos clothing.] However, within the first three days of Shiva, he is not to leave his home to perform a Bris unless there is no other Mohel in the city, [in which case it is permitted for him to leave his home to perform the Bris even on the first day of Shiva[28]].[29] [According to all, he may be a Mohel if the Bris is taking place in his home even within the first three days.[30]] It is permitted for the Mohel to cut his nails [even with a vessel[31]] during Shiva for the sake of the Mila. [It is however forbidden for him to cut his hair.[32]] If, however, there is another Mohel available, then it is forbidden [for him to cut his nails, even past three days from Shiva].

Sandek:[33] An Avel during Shiva may be honored with Sandakaus, and be a Sandek by a Bris, starting from after [sunrise[34]of] the third day of Shiva, although he must Daven at home [and not where the Bris is taking place]. [He also may not participate in the meal unless it takes place inside his home[35], and may not wear leather shoes[36] and according to some Poskim[37] may also not wear Shabbos clothing] However, within the first three days of Shiva, he is not to leave his home to be a Sandek by a Bris.[38] [Some Poskim[39] however rule that all the above is in a case that the Avel was offered to be the Sandek, however, initially, one is not to offer an Avel to be the Sandek even past three days into Shiva. Others[40] rule one may even initially offer him to be the Sandek. According to all, he may be a Sandek if the Bris is taking place in his home even within the first three days.]

 C. Shloshim:[47]

An Avel [of any relative[48]] during Shloshim may not participate in a Seudas Bris Mila that is taking place outside of his home [even if he is invited to the meal[49] and even if the meal is dairy[50]]. [This, however, is with exception to certain cases to be explained below.] However, if the Avel is having a Seudas Bris Mila take place in his home, then he may participate in the meal. [In all cases, the Avel may participate in the actual ceremony of the Bris even outside of his home[51], including the light refreshments given afterwards[52], so long as he does not remain for the meal. One however may not participate while music is playing.[53]]

Bris of one’s child within Shloshim: If an Avel [father or mother] is having a Bris for his son take place during Shloshim, some Poskim[54] rule that he may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Mila. Some Poskim[55] rule he is not to have a festive meal made on the day of the Bris. Practically however, this is not the custom.[56] The Avel may participate in the meal even during Shloshim, if it is taking place inside his home.[57] If the meal is taking place outside of his home-see footnote.[58]

Baal Bris-Mohel and Sandek:[59] If the Avel is a Mohel or Sandek during Shloshim, some Poskim[60] rule he may not wear Shabbos clothing for the Bris. The Avel may participate in the meal even during Shloshim if it takes place inside his home.[61]If the meal is taking place elsewhere, some Poskim[62] rule an Avel [of any type] may not participate in the meal, even though he is the Baal Bris. Other Poskim[63], however, rule that if the Baal Bris is an Avel for other relatives, then he may participate in the meal even within the Shloshim, while if he is an Avel for a parent then he may not participate in the meal during Shloshim. Other Poskim[64] rule that even an Avel for a parent may participate in the meal for a Bris during the Shloshim if he is a Baal Bris. [Practically, one may be lenient in this matter if he is an Avel for other relatives.[65]]

Mishameish: An Avel may work in the kitchen or in the waiter’s room during a Seudas Bris Milah. [He, however, is to eat alone in a side room.]

Some Poskim rule it is forbidden for an Avel to be a waiter by a meal that he may not participate in. Other Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to be a waiter by a meal, whether a wedding meal or Seudas Bris Milah and the like. Practically, the custom is to be lenient. [This applies even during Shloshim.  However one is to only resort to this leniency if he is a relative of the Baal Hasimcha. It is however absolutely forbidden to participate in the meal. He is rather to eat alone in a side room.]

D. Year of Aveilus:[82]

Some Poskim[83] rule an Avel of a parent during the year of Aveilus may not participate in a Seudas Bris Mila that is taking place outside of his home [even if he is invited to the meal[84] and even if the meal is dairy[85]]. Practically, the custom is for a mourner to avoid eating in any meal of any sort, throughout the period of Aveilus[86], if the meal is taking place outside his home.[87] [This however is with exception to certain cases, as explained below.] However, if the Avel is having a Seudas Bris Mila take place in his home, then he may participate in the meal. [In all cases, the Avel may participate in the actual ceremony of the Bris even outside of his home[88], including the light refreshments given afterwards[89], so long as he does not remain for the meal. One, however, may not participate while music is playing.[90]]

Bris of child:[91] If an Avel is having a Bris for his son take place during the year of Aveilus, he may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Mila. The Avel may participate in the meal even if it takes place outside of his home, if he is after Shloshim.

Mohel and Sandek:[92] If the Avel is a Mohel or Sandek during his year of Aveilus, he may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Mila. The Avel may participate in the meal even if it takes place outside of his home, if he is after Shloshim.

Mishameish: An Avel may work in the kitchen or in the waiter’s room during a Seudas Bris Milah. [He, however, is to eat alone in a side room.]

Some Poskim rule it is forbidden for an Avel to be a waiter by a meal that he may not participate in. Other Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to be a waiter by a meal, whether a wedding meal or Seudas Bris Milah and the like. Practically, the custom is to be lenient. [This applies even during Shloshim.  However one is to only resort to this leniency if he is a relative of the Baal Hasimcha. It is however absolutely forbidden to participate in the meal. He is rather to eat alone in a side room.]

May those people who are permitted to participate in the meal do so even if there is music playing?[93]

This matter is disputed in Poskim.[94] Practically, they are not to participate in the meal while the music is playing.

May an Avel enter the Seuda to simply wish Mazal Tov to the family?[95]

It is permitted to do so long as there is no music playing at the time he enters, and he does not participate in the meal.

________________________________

[1] Michaber 393:2; Rama 391:2

[2] Rashal 70, brought in Taz 341:6; Michaber 360:1 “A corpse and Milah, Milah comes first”; Pischeiy Teshuvah 341:20 in name of regarding if the father is the Mohel

[3] Rama in Kesav Yad, brought in Taz ibid; Birkeiy Yosef in name of Beis Yehuda 2:70, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 341:20 regarding if the father is the Mohel

[4] The reason: In order so the father can say the blessing of Lehachniso, as it is forbidden to say this blessing while he is an Onen. [Rama ibid]

[5] Taz 341:6; Chasam Sofer 325, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 341:20

[6] Teshuvah Meahavah 1:85, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 341:20

[7] Birkeiy Yosef in name of Beis Yehuda 2:70, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 341:20 rules the burial is to be preceded if the father is the Mohel; Pischeiy Teshuvah 341:20 implies from Chasam Sofer ibid that the Bris is to be preceded even if the father is the Mohel

[8] See Nitei Gavriel 37:2

[9] Michaber ibid

The reason: Although an Avel is obligated in all the Mitzvos, and hearing the blessings of a Chuppah or Milah is also a Mitzvah, nevertheless this obligation only refers to the positive commands that are dependent on the body, such as Tzitzis and Tefillin, or to perform Milah to one’s child, however not to simply perform Gemilas Chesed. [Shach 393:3 in name of Rosh]

[10]  1^st opinion in Rama ibid and that so is custom throughout entire period of Aveilus

[11] 1^st opinion in Rama 391:2 and the final custom recorded; Nitei Gavriel 24:12; See previous Halacha B for a dispute if this applies even during Shiva!

[12] The circumcision of the son is not to be delayed at all from the first opportunity that it can be done, even if it is within the first three days of Shiva and the child is past the 8^th day from birth. [Pnei Baruch 20:3; Nitei Gavriel 24:13]

[13] Shach 393:4

[14] Rama 393:3 regarding Baal Bris; Hagahos Ashri; Shach ibid that the father of the child receives an even more lenient ruling and may leave within even three days

May the Avel Daven in the Shul, in the area of the Bris? Regarding a Baal Bris the Rama ibid writes that he may only arrive for the Bris itself and must Daven at home [and not where the Bris is taking place]. However, see Shach ibid who is more lenient regarding a father than a Baal Bris in terms of leaving within three days; See also Pnei Baruch 20:3 and Nitei Gavriel 24:2 footnote 2 in name of Daas Kedoshim 391 and other Poskim who allow the father to Daven in the area of the Bris.

[15] Elya Raba 132:4; Rav Akiva Eiger 393

[16] Birkeiy Yosef 391:1 regarding Sandek; Elya Raba 132:4 in name of Aguda and that that all laws of Aveilus apply to him just like a Sandek; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 6 and Nitei Gavriel 24:3 footnote 4 and so he concludes there to be stringent

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule the father is permitted to wear regular shoes. [Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 24:3 footnote 3]

[17] One way of learning Rama 391:2 and so learns Darkei Hachaim 14:8; Birkeiy Yosef 391:1 regarding Sandek; Elya Raba 132:4 that that all laws of Aveilus apply to him just like a Sandek; Darkei Hachaim 14:8 Biur 3 prohibits wearing within Shiva and says he may only wear freshly laundered clothing if another wears it first; Derech Hachaim 263:5 and Kitzur SHU”A 212:3 in their way of learning Rama 392:1 that within Shloshim the Baalei Bris may not wear Shabbos clothing; See Nitei Gavriel 23:25 and Pnei Baruch 20:14

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule the father and mother of the son may wear Shabbos clothing for the Bris. [One way of learning Rama 392:1; Pnei Baruch 20:3; Nitei Gavriel 24:3 footnote 6 in name of Poskim]

[18] Nitei Gavriel 24:4; See however Pnei Baruch 20:3 footnote 9 in name of Poskim

[19] Rokeiach, brought in Shach ibid; Derisha 394:6 in name of Rashal, in name of Rokeiach

[20] Shach 394:2; See Darkei Hachaim 14:9

[21] Rama 391:2; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:5 footnote 13; Gesher Hachaim 21:8-6; Nitei Gavriel 24:11 footnote 2

[22] See Nitei Gavriel 24:11

[23] Rama 393:3; Hagahos Ashri; See Pnei Baruch 20: 8

[24] Rama 393:1 regarding an Avel leaving his home for a funeral; See Kuntrus Matzeivas Moshe [of Chayeh Adam] 4 [Rav Akiva Eiger ibid]

[25] Rama 391:2; See Gesher Hachaim 21:8-6

[26] Birkeiy Yosef 391:1 regarding Sandek; Elya Raba 132:4 in name of Aguda and that that all laws of Aveilus apply to him just like a Sandek; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 6 and Nitei Gavriel 24:3 footnote 4 and so he concludes there to be stringent

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule the father is permitted to wear regular shoes. [Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 24:3 footnote 3]

[27] Birkeiy Yosef 391:1 regarding Sandek; Elya Raba 132:4 that that all laws of Aveilus apply to him just like a Sandek; One way of learning Rama 391:2 and so learns Darkei Hachaim 14:8; Darkei Hachaim 14:8 Biur 3 prohibits wearing within Shiva and says he may only wear freshly laundered clothing if another wears it first; Derech Hachaim 263:5 and Kitzur SHU”A 212:3 in their way of learning Rama 392:1 that within Shloshim the Baalei Bris may not wear Shabbos clothing; See Nitei Gavriel 23:25 and Pnei Baruch 20:14

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule the Balei Bris may wear Shabbos clothing for the Bris. [One way of learning Rama 392:1; Pnei Baruch 20:3; Nitei Gavriel 24:3 footnote 6 in name of Poskim; See Shevus Yaakov 2:102, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:3 and Rav Akiva Eiger 490:5 regarding Pidyon Haben]

[28] Shach 393:5

[29] Rama ibid; Shach 393:6

Other opinions in Rama ibid: Some [Poskim] are lenient even within the first three days of Shiva to allow a Mohel leave the home to perform a Bris even if there is another Mohel available in the city. [Rama ibid; Beis Yosef based on his opinion that allows an Avel to go to Shul for hearing the Torah] Practically, since the Rama ibid rules that an Avel may not go to Shul even for the Torah reading, therefore he may also not perform Mila within the first three days if another Mohel is available in the city. Vetzaruch Iyun as to why the Rama recorded this opinion to begin with. [Shach ibid]

In the Mohel’s home: He, however, may perform a Bris in his home even within three days of Shiva. [Pnei Baruch 20:8]

[30] Pnei Baruch 20:8

[31] Panim Meiros 3:57; Pischeiy Teshuvah 393:4

[32] Beir Hagoleh ibid based on Darkei Moshe who omitted the word “haircut” and also perhaps here the intent of the Rama in Legaleiach is to remove the nails and not to permit a haircut; Elya Raba 551:28; Panim Meiros 3:57; Pischeiy Teshuvah 393:4; Rav Akiva Eiger 393; Gilyon Maharsha 393

Ruling of Rama ibid: The Rama ibid writes that the Mohel may also “Legaleiach”, which generally means to cut the hair. However the above Poskim explain that in truth this refers to cutting the nails and not the hair.

[33] Rama 393:3 as explained in Shach 393:4; Hagahos Ashri; See Pnei Baruch 20:6

[34] Rama 393:1 regarding an Avel leaving his home for a funeral

[35] Rama 391:2; See Gesher Hachaim 21:8-6

[36] Birkeiy Yosef 391:1 regarding Sandek; Elya Raba 132:4 in name of Aguda and that that all laws of Aveilus apply to him just like a Sandek; Poskim brought in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 6 and Nitei Gavriel 24:3 footnote 4 and so he concludes there to be stringent

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule the father is permitted to wear regular shoes. [Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 24:3 footnote 3]

[37] Birkeiy Yosef 391:1; One way of learning Rama 391:2 and so learns Darkei Hachaim 14:8; Darkei Hachaim 14:8 Biur 3 prohibits wearing within Shiva and says he may only wear freshly laundered clothing if another wears it first; Derech Hachaim 263:5 and Kitzur SHU”A 212:3 in their way of learning Rama 392:1 that within Shloshim the Baalei Bris may not wear Shabbos clothing; See Nitei Gavriel 23:25 and Pnei Baruch 20:14

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule the Balei Bris may wear Shabbos clothing for the Bris. [One way of learning Rama 392:1; Pnei Baruch 20:3; Nitei Gavriel 24:3 footnote 6 in name of Poskim; See Shevus Yaakov 2:102, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 389:3 and Rav Akiva Eiger 490:5 regarding Pidyon Haben;]

[38] Rama ibid does not record any lenient opinion regarding a Sandek. [See Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 14]

[39] Birkeiy Yosef 391:1 in name of Mahrikash; See Os Shalom 265:27; Pnei Baruch 20:6 footnote 16; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 24 footnote 14

[40] Birkeiy Yosef 391:1 in name of Maharam Mintz 86 in name of Or Zarua; Yad Avraham; Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:6 footnote 17

[41] Pnei Baruch 20:3 and Nitei Gavriel 24:1 in name of Poskim

[42] Pnei Baruch 20:4 footnote 12; Nitei Gavriel 23:27

[43] Nitei Gavriel 24:5 in name of Daas Kedoshim 391:4 

[44] Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:4

[45] Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20:7 footnote 18 and Nitei Gavriel 24:9 footnote 17

[46] See Nitei Gavriel 28:3

[47] Rama 391:2 [2^nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12; Even those Poskim who are lenient by a Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha [see Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2] are only lenient after Shloshim!

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in a Seudas Bris Milah. [1^st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251]

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardim are accustomed to attend any Seudas Mitzvah that does not involve Simcha, even during Shloshim. [Birkeiy Yosef 391:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 31:1]

Eating in a side room: See Nitei Gavriel 23:19 based on Rama 391:3 that a waiter may serve food at the meal and then eat next door.

[48] Taz 391:2 that this includes all Aveilim within Shloshim, even an Avel over relatives other than a parent.

An Avel for a married sister and other Rabbinical Aveilim: Some Poskim rule that an Avel over a married sister may participate in any Seudas Mitzvah that does not contain Simcha even during the Shloshim. This leniency applies to all Aveilim of relatives whose Shiva is merely Rabbinical. [Sheilas Yaavetz 2:181; Darkei Hachaim 14:2; Nitei Gavriel 23:23 and Poskim in footnote 34 and 32:8 in name of Gur Aryeh 34 and Daas Torah 391] Other Poskim negate this conclusion. [See Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:2; Taz and Shach ibid make no mention of any differentiation]

[49] Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23:7 footnote 13

[50] Maharam Shick Y.D. 366; Nitei Gavriel 23:11

[51] Nitei Gavriel 23:10 in name of Ritva Kesubos 8; Chaim Sheol 21; Gesher Hachaim 21:8; Pnei Baruch 20:23

May the Avel sing Chazanus by the Bris? See Nitei Gavriel 23:29

[52] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413; Nitei Gavriel 23:28

[53] Pnei Baruch ibid

[54] One way of learning Rama 391:2 and so learns Darkei Hachaim 14:8; Birkeiy Yosef 391:1 regarding Sandek; Elya Raba 132:4 that that all laws of Aveilus apply to him just like a Sandek; Darkei Hachaim 14:8 Biur 3 prohibits wearing within Shiva and says he may only wear freshly laundered clothing if another wears it first; Nitei Gavriel 23:21 in name of Maharil Milah; Yifei Nof 156; See Nitei Gavriel 23:25 and 24:10 and Pnei Baruch 20:14

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the Baalei Bris may not wear Shabbos clothing during the Shloshim. [Derech Hachaim 263:5 and Kitzur SHU”A 212:3 in their way of learning Rama 391:2 that within Shloshim the Baalei Bris may not wear Shabbos clothing]

[55] Rokeiach, brought in Shach ibid

[56] Shach 394:2; Chochmas Adam 166:2

[57] Rama 391:2; So is implied from Shach ibid

[58] See Rama 391:2 that prohibits a Baal Bris from joining the meal within Shloshim if it takes place outside his home; See next however regarding the various types of Aveilim that this law refers to, and that practically one may be lenient if he is not an Avel for a parent. Furthermore, perhaps the above ruling of the Rama regarding a Baal Bris does not include the father or mother of the child, and the father of the child may always join the meal even outside of his home, being that it is his Simcha. See Aruch Hashulchan 391:11 and Nitei Gavriel 23:20 who does not limit his participation to if the meal takes place in his home.

[59] Rama 391:3

Person who donates the meal: See Nitei Gavriel 23:26 that he is considered a Baal Bris.

[60] Derech Hachaim 263:5 and Kitzur SHU”A 212:3 in their way of learning Rama 392:1 that within Shloshim the Baalei Bris may not wear Shabbos clothing; See Nitei Gavriel 23:25 and Pnei Baruch 20:14

Other opinions: Other Poskim rule the Baal Bris may wear Shabbos clothing until after the Milah, even within Shloshim. [Darkei Hachaim 14:8]

[61] Rama 391:2

[62] Implication of Rama ibid and so follows the ruling of Shach 391:3 and Nekudos Hakesef ibid that there is no difference between any Aveilim during Shloshim.

[63] Taz 391:3 in his explanation of Rama ibid; Bach, brought in Shach 391:3 and Nekudos Hakesef 391:3; Noda Beyehuda Y.D. 100, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:3 and 7; Degul Merivava 391; Daas Torah 391 in  name of Pnei Yehoshua 2:38; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Aruch Hashulchan 391:11; See Pnei Baruch 20:14 footnote 31

[64] Maharil 116, brought in Taz ibid; However, see Shach in Nekudos Hakesef 391:2 that even the Maharil is not lenient within Shloshim, but rather only after Shloshim; See Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23:24 footnote 37

[65] Divrei Yaakov 53, brought in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 37 that we are lenient in matters of Aveilus

[66] Nitei Gavriel 23:1-5 in name of Poskim

[67] Rama 391:2 regarding all meals

[68] See M”A 551:10

[69] Adnei Paz 10; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:4

[70] Sheilas Yaavetz 2:180; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 28:14

[71] Nitei Gavriel 23:27

[72] See Chochmas Adam 166:2 that by a Seudas Yesoma they may not play music; See however Chaim Sheol 1:84 and other Poskim in Pnei Baruch 20 footnote 12 and Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 46 that one may participate even if music is playing.

[73] See Zera Emes 3:172; Tosfos Moed Katan 22b; Beis Shearim Y.D. 446; See Nitei Gavriel 23:8-9 footnotes 14-16

Tasting a little food: See Nitei Gavriel ibid who permits him to taste a little food based on M”A 551:10, however in my opinion this is incorrect as the Rama 391:2 writes “not to enter the meal” and the M”A ibid is discussing when there is no meal taking place but rather light refreshments.

[74] Nitei Gavriel 23:13 based on Sheilas Yaavetz 2:184

[75] Nitei Gavriel 23:14 in name of Daas Kedoshim

[76] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10; Nitei Gavriel 23:16

[77] Rama 391:4

[78] See Nitei Gavriel 23:24 in name of Zera Emes 3:391 who is stringent and other Poskim who are lenient on the basis that a Kvater is also considered a Sandek; See also Beis Lechem Yehuda 391 who implies he may not participate in the meal.

[79] Beis Lechem Yehuda 391

[80] Nitei Gavriel 23:14 based on Neharei Afarsemon 57; Zichron Yehuda 2:108; Dudaei Sadeh 62

[81] Aruch Hashulchan 391:10-11; Nitei Gavriel 23:21-22 based on Shaareiy Teshuvah 5513 and Ashel Avraham Tinyana 551 and

[82] Rama 391:2

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardim are accustomed to attend any Seudas Mitzvah that does not involve Simcha, even during Shloshim. [Birkeiy Yosef 391:2; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 31:1]

[83] Rama 391:2 [2^nd opinion in Rama and final ruling of custom]; Mordechai; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for an Avel to participate in a Seudas Bris Milah. [1^st opinion in Rama ibid; Terumos Hadeshen 251]

Eating in a side room: See Nitei Gavriel 23:19 based on Rama 391:3 that a waiter may serve food at the meal and then eat next door.

[84] Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23:7 footnote 13

[85] Maharam Shick Y.D. 366; Nitei Gavriel 23:11

[86] Meaning, within Shloshim for Aveilim of all relatives [Taz ibid; Shach ibid], and within 12 months for an Avel over a parent. [Rama ibid]

[87] Rama ibid; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Derech Hachaim; Chochmas Adam 166:2; Kitzur SHU”A 212:1; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 23 footnote 12

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even initially it is customary to be lenient to participate in a Seudas Mitzvah after Shloshim if it does not contain Simcha. [Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; See Shach 246:27 in name of Maharam Mintz 119 regarding a Siyum Misechta, brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 391:1; Degul Merivava 391; Pischeiy Teshuvah 391:5; Beis Lechem Yehuda 391; Gilyon Maharsha 391; Chochmas Adam 166; Gesher Hachaim 21; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 29:1 footnote 2; See Kitzur SHU”A 212 in Lechem Hapanim 1 who asks on Shach and Poskim ibid based on Rama ibid]

[88] Nitei Gavriel 23:10 in name of Ritva Kesubos 8; Chaim Sheol 21; Gesher Hachaim 21:8; Pnei Baruch 20:23

May the Avel sing Chazanus by the Bris? See Nitei Gavriel 23:29

[89] Teshuvah Meahava 3:413; Nitei Gavriel 23:28

[90] Pnei Baruch ibid

[91] Rama 391:2; Maharil

[92] Rama 391:3; Taz 391:3 that the Rama refers to one who is an Avel for a parent

[93] Nitei Gavriel 23:27

[94] See Chochmas Adam 166:2 that by a Seudas Yesoma they may not play music; See however Chaim Sheol 1:84 and other Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 46 that one may participate even if music is playing.

[95] See Zera Emes 3:172; Tosfos Moed Katan 22b; Beis Shearim Y.D. 446; See Nitei Gavriel 23:8-9 footnotes 14-16

Tasting a little food: See Nitei Gavriel ibid who permits him to taste a little food based on M”A 551:10, however in my opinion this is incorrect as the Rama 391:2 writes “not to enter the meal” and the M”A ibid is discussing when there is no meal taking place but rather light refreshments.