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1. The Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim:
It is a great Mitzvah to comfort the mourners. Some Poskim[1] rule it is a Biblical Mitzvah. Other Poskim[2] rule the Mitzvah is only Rabbinical. The Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim is even greater than the Mitzvah of Bikur Cholim.[3] So great is this Mitzvah that it is even permitted for a Kohen to contaminate himself with Rabbinical impurity [i.e. Beis Haperas; Eretz Hamim] for the sake of performing Nichum Aveilim.[4]
In scripture:[5] We find that Hashem comforted Yitzchak after the passing of Avraham[6], and that Hashem comforted Yaakov after the passing of Yitzchak.[7]
Comforting an enemy:[8] One is not to comfort his enemy on the passing of his relative.[9] Nevertheless, practically, this matter is dependent on the level of hatred and enmity that they share.[10] [One may however send a messenger to the mourner to ask permission to visit, and so is the custom today for people in rifts to comfort each other during Shiva in order to bring peace.[11]]
Comforting gentiles:[12] One is to comfort gentile mourners due to Darkei Shalom.
Does the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim apply to comforting the relatives of a Nefel who passed away?[13] The Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim does not apply to a Nefel. We do not formally comfort the relatives of a Nefel who passed away neither by the burial or afterwards. This applies to any child who passed away below the age of thirty days, even if one is sure that the child was carried to term, of nine full months.
Q&A Can one fulfill the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim through the telephone? Some[14] rule one is not to fulfill the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim through the telephone.[15] Practically, one may fulfill the Mitzvah through the telephone if he is unable to pay a personal visit.[16]
Can the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim be performed through writing, or through email? Some[17] rule one is not to fulfill the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim through writing.[18] Practically, one may fulfill the Mitzvah through writing if he is unable to pay a personal visit.[19] |
Can the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim be performed through a messenger?[20] One may fulfill the Mitzvah through sending a messenger to comfort the mourner in one’s name.
May one Avel comfort another Avel?[21] Yes.
May one comfort many mourners simultaneously? Yes. If, however, the mourners present are sitting Shiva for two different people, then one is to say words of comfort to each mourner individually[22], although the parting phrase of Hamakom Yinachem may be said to all the mourners simultaneously.[23]
Accepting the condolences:[24] The Avel is required to acknowledge and accept the condolences in order for the comforter to fulfill the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim.
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Women’s section:[25] The Shiva home should contain a women’s area that is sectioned off for the female mourners to be comforted by other women. One can place a Mechitza in the room, or simply have different sections of the house for the men and women.
Educating children:[26] One is to educate his children [who have reached the age of Chinuch] to fulfill the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim and thus take them with him upon visiting an Avel. |
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[1] Rabbeinu Yona Brachos chapter 3 11b in Rif, and Tosfos Yom Tov on Mishnah Brachos 3:2 in name of Rabbeinu Yona, recorded in Igros Kodesh 3:248
[2] Rambam Avel 14:1 “A Rabbinical positive command”
[3] Rama 335:10; Kol Bo
The reason: As in Nichum Aveilim one performs Chesed with both the mourners and the deceased. [See Rambam Avel 14:37]
[4] Michaber 372:1; M”B 224:13
[5] Kitzur SHU”A 207:1
[6] Sota 14a based on Bereishis 25:11
[7] See Bereishis 35:9 and Rashi there
[8] Rama 335:2
[9] The reason: As the Avel may feel that the visitor is happy for his pain, and this will add even more pain to the Avel. [Rama ibid]
[10] Shach 335:2
[11] Aruch Hashulchan 335:6
[12] Michaber 367:1; Gittin 61a
[13] Michaber 353:4; Nitei Gavriel 135:37
[14] Pnei Baruch 11:12 in name of Minchas David 72
[15] The reason: As Nichum Aveilim is meant to be Chesed for the live and the deceased, and this is only accomplished when one physically visits the Shiva home.
[16] Igros Moshe 4:40-11; Beir Moshe 2:106; Igros Kodesh 24:276 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:277-279] regarding writing, and the same would apply regarding a telephone
The reason: As the main point is that the Avel becomes comforted, which is accomplished even through the telephone. So is proven from the fact one can perform Nichum Aveilim through a messenger, as brought in Shmuel Beis 10:3. [Rebbe ibid]
[17] See Pnei Baruch 11:12 in name of Minchas David 72 regarding the telephone, and even more so would this apply regarding writing a letter.
[18] The reason: As Nichum Aveilim is meant to be Chesed for the live and the deceased, and this is only accomplished when one physically visits the Shiva home.
[19] Igros Kodesh 24:276 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:277-279]; Neviim Shmuel 2 10:3; The Rebbe fulfilled Nichum Aveilim at times through a Shliach who brought a written letter of condolences to the Avel
The reason: As the main point is that the Avel becomes comforted, which is accomplished even in writing, and the deceased does not mind whether he is consoled through writing or orally. So is proven from the fact one can perform Nichum Aveilim through a messenger, as brought in Shmuel Beis 10:3. [Rebbe ibid]
[20] Igros Kodesh 24:276 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:277-279]; Shmuel Beis 10:3; The Rebbe fulfilled Nichum Aveilim at times through a Shliach who brought a written letter of condolences to the Avel
[21] Rabbeinu Yona Brachos chapter 3; Darkei Hachaim Hashmatos 4:1; Igros Kodesh 3:248 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:279]; Nitei Gavriel 85:6 footnote 8; However, see Piskei Maharash Lublin that they are not to comfort each other
[22] Michaber 354:1 in next footnote
[23] See Michaber 354:1 that one does not give comfort to two mourners of two different people simultaneously, as perhaps one of those deceased is greater in honor than the other, unless one knows that they are of equal stature and praise. One may however state the regular parting blessing to them simultaneously, as there is nothing added in the statement when it is said for a greater person who died. [See Nitei Gavriel 85:14 in name of Poskim]
[24] Mavor Yabok Sifsei Renanos 19; Toldos Harashba 1:18; Abudarahm 3; Nitei Gavriel 85:5 footnote 6
[25] Nitei Gavriel 85:8 footnote 10
[26] Mavor Yabok Sefas Emes 37; Reishis Chochmah Mamar Gidul Banim; Nitei Gavriel 85:15
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