Funeral and burial checklist

*The full details on each of the below mentioned subjects is elaborated on in this chapter

To bring to the funeral-Mourners:

• Attire: The upper clothing of male and female mourners is torn by the funeral. The undershirt, however, is not torn. Hence, one is to make sure to wear an undershirt, and wear cheap clothing on top of it which one does not mind being torn. If one wears a jacket during the week, then one is to also wear a jacket which one does not mind being torn.
• Shoes: One is to bring with him non-leather shoes to wear after the burial. Regular shoes are worn until the burial is over.
• Bring a Tzedaka box for people to give charity in merit of the deceased.

The memorial service [prior to the procession of the body to the grave]:

A memorial service is generally held before the burial at the funeral home chapel, or at the gravesite. This allows the family and community members to recite Psalms and to speak of the good qualities of the deceased. The order of the memorial service is as follows:[2]

• Where: The family and the community gather for the funeral service either in the funeral home, synagogue, or at the cemetery.
• The Casket: The casket is present during the service but remains closed.
• No food or music: The Jewish custom is not to serve fancy foods, nor have flowers or music at the funeral. Those items are associated with festivity and joy, and this is a solemn occasion.
• Tehillim: The rabbi begins the service by reciting Psalm 16 and 90.
• Keriah-Dayan Haemes: The recital of psalms is then followed by Keriah of the garments of the mourners and the recital of the blessing Baruch Dayan Haemes. [See Chapter 6 for the full details on this topic.]  “ברוך אתה ה’ אלוקינו מלך העולם דיין האמת”.
• Forgiveness: Following the performance of the Keriah, it is customary for family members to forgive and request forgiveness from the deceased.
• Eulogies: At this point, remarks may be delivered. [See Chapter 7 for the full details on the giving of eulogies.]
• Keil Malei Rachamim: After the eulogies, some close the gathering with the traditional memorial prayer of “Keil Malei Rachamim.“
• The descendants of the deceased: The descendants [both male and female, daughters and granddaughters, sons and grandsons of the deceased] may attend the eulogies, and may be present by the funeral service until the casket begins to move. Directly prior to the moving of the casket, the descendants are to exit the funeral and proceed to the cemetery in a different path than the path that will be followed by the funeral proceeding.
• It is customary that direct descendants of the deceased do not touch or carry the casket.

The Levaya/funeral procession:

• At the conclusion of the memorial service, the pallbearers carry [or drive] the casket and officially begin the funeral procession. They proceed with carrying [or driving] the casket until they reach the grave.
• Psalm 91: During the procession, Psalm 91 is recited seven times. Beginning from a short distance from the grave (approximately thirty feet), it is customary to halt the procession every few feet [4 Amos] and repeat the Psalm, pausing at certain words in the final verse and reciting again from the top. This is done for a total of seven times. One is to add one word to the sentence beginning with Ki Malachav each time he recites it. On days when Tachanun is not recited, the stops are not made, but the Psalm is still recited seven times. Likewise, when burying a woman, some are not accustomed to do the Mamados, although the Psalm is still recited seven times.
• Women: The women are to remain separate from the men throughout the funeral proceedings.
• Not to look at the women: Throughout the proceedings of the funeral and burial it is forbidden to look at the faces of the women attending the funeral/burial. This applies while the women are at the funeral and when the women return from the funeral or burial. For this reason, the men may not stand in front of the women when they return from the funeral, and they are not to greet them face to face. Rather, the men are to follow either in back of the women or in front of the women. Upon returning from the funeral, the men are to exit through a different route in order not to greet the women.

The Burial:

• Forgiveness: Before the casket is lowered into the grave, it is fitting to part with the deceased and, if one has not done so earlier at the memorial service, ask for forgiveness (and to forgive) for any pain or hard feelings that might have come between them.
• Resting the coffin in the grave: The casket [or wrapped body in Eretz Yisrael] is laid in the grave by the Chevra Kadisha. While this is being done, psalm 91 is to be recited.
• Filling the grave: The grave is then covered with earth and/or gravel. All the men present fill the grave with earth, beginning by covering the upper part of the casket. The men can take turns, but the shovel is not to be passed directly from one person to the next. Instead, it is placed face down on the ground, and the next person takes it. The grave is filled until a small mound is formed on top.
• As one fills the grave with earth, he is to recite the following verse three times: Vehu Rachum Yichaber Avon Vlo Yashchis Vihirba Lihashiv Apo Velo Yair Kol Chamaso.
• Once the grave is completely filled with earth and the shape of a small mound is made on top, a marker is placed on the grave with the name of the deceased and the date of the passing.
• Tziduk Hadin and Kaddish: The filling of the grave is followed by the recitation of “Tziduk Hadin,” and the Mourner’s Kaddish. The male mourners recite the specially formulated Kaddish. It is recited in unison at the foot of the grave, facing East. The Graveside Kaddish is not recited on days when Tachanun is not recited and on days that “Tziduk Hadin” was omitted. Instead, one recites the regular Mourner’s Kaddish. The Chabad custom is to recite Psalm 49 after reciting Tziduk Hadin, prior to reciting Kaddish. This Psalm is recited even on days that Tachanun is omitted.

After the burial:

• Charity: One is to donate to charity after the burial, in memory of the deceased.
• Switching shoes: After the burial, the mourning relatives [both men and women] remove their leather shoes and replace them with non-leather footwear [i.e. slippers or sneakers]. On Chol Hamoed, one does not remove his leather shoes.
• The rows for comforting: After the Mourner’s Kaddish is recited, all the Jewish men present form two rows, with at least five people in each row. The male mourners walk in the pathway between the two rows, and the people console them with the passage of “Hamakom Yinachem Eschem Besoch Shaar Avalei Tziyon Viyerushalayim.” After the male mourner’s pass, all the men forming the rows move to one side, forming a single row. The women mourners then pass in front of them, receiving the same condolence. The men are to be very careful not to look at the face of the women. However, some write that this should not be done, and women mourners are not to pass before the men for comforting.
• Leaving the cemetery: After the burial, when leaving the cemetery, one uproots earth and grass, and tosses it behind his back. [This is done three times. While doing so one recites the verse “Zechor Ki Afar Anachnu”.] This is not to be done on Chol Hamoed.
• One is to try to leave the cemetery in a different path than the path he used to enter.
• Washing hands: One washes his hands three times alternating between hands just like by washing after sleep in the morning. One is not to enter a house until after the washing. Some have the custom to say the verse “Kaper Liamcha Yisrael” after washing.
• Putting down the vessel: One does not take the vessel from another person’s hand or hand the vessel to another person. Rather one places it down and the next person takes it. The custom is to place the vessel upside down.
• Drying hands: One does not dry his hands with a towel and rather lets them dry on its own.
• Washing face: After the burial, one is to also wash his face. Some recite the verse “Bala Hamaves Lanetzach, Umacha Hashem Elokim Dima Meial Kol Panim Vicherpas Amo Yasir Meial Kol Haaretz Ki Hashem Diber”.
• Sitting and reciting Yosheiv Biseiser: After the washing, one sits down and recites Vayehi Noam and Yosheiv Biseiser seven times. One is to switch places between each time he recites it. [One is to add one word to the last sentence each time he recites it. Thus, the first time he recites it he ends with the word “Ki”. The second time he ends with the word “Ki Malachav”. The third time he ends with the word “Ki Malachav Yitzaveh”. The fourth time he ends with the words “Ki Malachav Yitzaveh Lach”. The fifth time he ends with the words “Lishmorcha”. The sixth time “Lishmorcha Bechol”. The seventh and final time he concludes with “Lishmorcha Bechol Derachecha”.