From the Rav’s Desk – Q&A on Shiva

The Tzemach Tzedek^[1], quoting from the Alter Rebbe in the name of previous Tzadikim, that after a fire [or any other calamity^[2]] comes wealth. [In fact, the numerical value of burnt/Saraf in Hebrew is the same numerical value as the word wealth/Ashir in Hebrew as both equal 580.^[3]] Meaning, that if God forbid a person’s property was destroyed due to a fire he should not lose hope, as God will bless him with wealth afterwards. The reason for this, he explains according to Kabbalah, is because in the order of the divine attributes mercy and compassion follow severity and hence after a person received a revelation of the actuator severity he will then receive a revelation of the attribute of compassion. Furthermore, this revelation will be much greater than revelation he originally received from attribute of kindness, as the attribute of compassion is much greater than the attribute of kindness as is known that our forefathers Jacob corresponds to Tiferes, and his level has no limit.

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[1] Derech Mitzvosecha 198b; Letter printed in Meiah Shearim p. 36; Beis Rebbe p. 150; Igros Kodesh Admur Hazakein p. 189; Yahal Or p. 97; Igros Kodesh Tzemach Tzedek p. 362; Or Hatorah Nach 2:907; Likkutei Sichos 6:356

[2] Rebbe in Hearos on Derech Mitzvosecha p. 210b; See Beis Rebbe ibid where this similar statement was made by the Alter Rebbe to a Hasid who had his ship sunk

[3] Rebbe in Hearos on Derech Mitzvosecha p. 210b

Some are particular to do so and so is the Sephardic custom, however many are particular to specifically not serve any food or refreshments being that people are not supposed to eat food in a Shiva home. Ideally the Chabad custom esspecially in Eretz Yisrael is to be stringent in this. However, if you feel uneasy having people over without anything available for them to eat or drink, I would suggest to prepare on the side of the room a hot water urn for coffee and tea, some water, and light refreshments for those who are accustomed to not be particular in the eating. Those who are particular will not eat.

May one eat food in a Shiva home?

1. Punishment as a means for love – After demotion comes elevation, and after punishment for sin comes comforting: [Torah Or Ki Sisa]

Meaning of Simolo Tachas Leroshi Uyimino Tichabkeini: It states in scripture that “Simolo Tachas Leroshi Uyimino Tichabkeini/And the left hand is under my head and the right hand embraces me.” Although this verse refers to the upper world, and how G-d’s acts with them, in truth there is also a deep inner message behind this statement with regards to how Hashem acts with the Jewish people, His chosen nation. Whenever the Jewish people are treated with G-d’s left hand, which is Gevura/severity and is expressed as punishment due to the actions of the lower beings, then afterwards G-d raises His right hand to help save them and elevates them even higher then where they were before.

Meaning of Ki Sisa Es Rosh Bnei Yisrael Lipikudeihem: This is the inner meaning behind the verse “Ki Sisa Es Rosh Bnei Yisrael Lipikudeihem.” The word Lipikudeihem derives from the word Pekida which means occurrence, and in this context refers to bad occurrences which are punishments or retribution which may happen to the Jewish people as a result of their sins G-d forbid. This relation between the word Pekida and punishment can be found in the statement of our sages who say that “There is no Pekida [i.e. punishment for bad behavior], which does not occur also as a result of the sin of the golden calf.” With this understanding of the term Lipikudeihem we can now understand the message behind the above verse, following the same theme that we explained above. Even after bad occurrences, Lipikudeihem, happen to the Jewish people, Hashem promises us that He will raise and elevate us. This is hinted to in the opening words of Ki Sisa Es Rosh Bnei Yisrael which literally means that He will raise our heads. The reason that G-d acts in this manner to always comfort and elevate and raise the individual after punishment is because to begin with the punishment was never intrinsically for the sake of punishing and hurting the person causing the pain, heading forbid. In truth, even G-d’s left hand of punishment and bad occurrences that happen to a person are part of His general goal of Yemin Mikareves, hugging the Jew and bringing him close to Him. The pushing away of the Jew with the left hand is not a complete pushing away.

• The Divine lesson #2: The second lesson that we can learn from the above relates to parents and educators in disciplining children and students. We are only human and are susceptible to normal human emotions of anger, fury, and desire for vengeance, that become triggered as a result of mischievous, rebellious, or financially damaging behavior of a child or student. This of course does not mean that we should act out on it, and on the contrary one must try to abstain from disciplining the child until the emotion of anger and revenge dissipates. Only then can we guarantee that the disciplinary action will be appropriately measured to the action and not cause more damage than harm. Now, from the above teaching we can learn two important points when it comes to discipline: Number one is that the initial disciplinary measure that is chosen which often causes some degree of pain to the child, whether mentally [i.e. scolding him], emotionally [i.e. grounded], or physically [i.e. a Petch], should only be done out of love for the child to help discipline and educate him. Number two and most importantly, one should not just discipline the child and view his job as done. An act of discipline, which to the child is viewed as a punishment, should eventually be followed by an act of closeness and love with the child, to try to rebuild and rejuvenate the relationship to an even better place than it was before. This especially applies if one disciplined the child in a disproportionate measure due to having administered the discipline when still in a state of anger and vengefulness. Every act of discipline which causes the child pain should likewise pain the parent and should not be done out of revenge.^[4] When discipline is given in this manner it is much easier to love the child afterwards, and follow the path of G-d as whenever He gives a person punishment of Smol Docheh it is followed by closeness of Yemin Mikareves. The child must never remain with a message that the punishment is an intrinsic message of distance and hate from his parent.

[4] A story is told of Rav Yitzchak Shaul, a dear colleague of Reb Baruch, the father of the Alter Rebbe, that his father wept bitterly after smiting his child for cruel behavior. [Memoirs Vol. 1 p. 334 [English edition]]

Tikkun for Pgam Habris: [Torah Or Ki Sisa]

In reference to fixing the sin of Pgam Habris [i.e. Zera Levatala] the Zohar states that one is required to return to G-d with much greater energy and love [than regular repentance]. The reason for this is as follows: The sin of Pgam Habris comes as a result of connecting oneself too intensely with the matters of the world. The term Bris, which means covenant, is an expression of connection, Hiskashrus. In the side of holiness, this refers to a deep connection of one’s soul to G-d. In the side of evil, it is a deep connection of one’s soul to the lusts and pleasures of the physical world. It is for this reason that in order to fix the sin of Pgam Habris which resulted from immersing his soul in the lusts and passions of physical pleasure, that he must in turn immerse his soul in love and desire for G-d.

• The Divine lesson: Many observant and G-d-fearing Jews unfortunately stumble in the most severe and terrible sin of Pgam Habris. The challenge is enormous and is like an actual Nissayon of which once one becomes addicted to it, it becomes a great struggle to overcome. One of the great dilemmas that such individuals face is the guilt that they feel after the transgression. At the time of the sin they are overcome by the moment, almost possessed by their lusts, but never truly desire to do it and hence are filled with remorse and guilt after its occurrence. This guilty feeling can be so severe that it can lead to depression and become an obstacle in a Jews service of G-d, viewing himself as unworthy to serve Him anymore. This in fact was the true and sly scheme of the evil inclination to begin with, to shower the person with so much guilt that he could no longer function as an Orthodox Jew. From the above teaching of the Alter Rebbe we learn that fixing the sin does not come through overindulging in feelings of guilt for its transgression. On the contrary, this is the scheme of the evil inclination, and is a leading cause for the continuity of the sin. Rather, as the Rebbe advised on numerous occasions, one must completely remove his mind from the sin and feelings of guilt for it. How then will he fix the sin and do Teshuvah? Through completely immersing himself in Torah study and service of G-d in prayer even more than before. Connect your mind and soul deeply with G-d, which is what the guilty feeling Jew truly wants, and this will correct the temporary succumbing of connecting one’s soul to the physical lusts which he truly does not want. Thus, succumbing to sin the night before should cause one to study and pray even harder the next day, and not on the contrary to a weakening in one’s divine service. Don’t forget that even the biggest of sins are judged in accordance to a person’s challenge and G-d certainly understands the difficulty His children go through in this realm.