Chapter 13: Comforting Mourners and Limits of Grief
1. How Mourners Are Comforted
After the burial, the mourners gather at the side of the cemetery. Those who attended the funeral form lines around them, with each line consisting of at least ten people, not counting the mourners themselves.
2. Words of Comfort
The mourners stand on the left side of the comforters. Each comforter passes by and says: “May you be comforted from heaven.” Afterward, the mourner returns home. For all seven days of mourning, people come to comfort him—whether new visitors or those who have already come.
3. Conduct During Comforting
The mourner sits at the head of the group. Comforters sit only on the ground, as Job 2:13 states: “And they sat with him on the ground.” They do not speak until the mourner begins, as shown in Job 3:1 and 4:1. Once the mourner shakes his head, the comforters should leave so as not to burden him.
4. When There Are No Mourners
If the deceased has no relatives to mourn, ten upright men from the community sit in his place for seven days, and others gather around them. If ten fixed men cannot remain, ten different men are chosen each day.
5. Standing Before a Nasi
Everyone must stand before a nasi except a mourner and a sick person. The nasi tells those who stand to sit, except for mourners and the sick, so as not to imply “Remain in your mourning” or “Remain in your illness.”
6. Preparing the Mourner’s Home
We sweep and mop the mourner’s home, wash dishes and utensils, and light lamps. However, we do not bring incense or spices.
7. Serving the Meal of Comfort
Food for the meal of comfort should not be served in silver or fancy utensils but in simple wicker baskets, so as not to embarrass the poor. Drinks should not be poured in clear glasses but in colored ones, so as not to shame those with inferior wine.
8. Drinking Limits
No one should drink more than ten cups of wine in a mourner’s home: three before the meal, three during, and four after. Drinking more may lead to intoxication.
9. Torah Study in a Mourner’s Home
We do not discuss Torah law or homiletics in a mourner’s home. Instead, we sit in grief. In the presence of a corpse, we speak only of matters related to the deceased. Torah study in the presence of a corpse or in a cemetery is forbidden.
10. Limits on Crying and Eulogizing
One should not cry for more than three days or eulogize for more than seven, except for Torah scholars, where the duration depends on their wisdom. Even then, crying should not exceed thirty days, as shown by Moses’ mourning in Deuteronomy 34:8. Eulogies should not exceed twelve months. If news of a sage’s death comes after twelve months, no eulogy is given.
11. Avoiding Excessive Grief
A person should not be excessively broken-hearted over death, as Jeremiah 22:10 teaches: “Do not weep for a dead man.” Death is the way of the world, and excessive grief is foolish. One should cry for three days, eulogize for seven, and observe mourning restrictions for thirty days.
12. Purpose of Mourning
One who does not mourn as prescribed is considered cruel. Mourning should lead to fear, introspection, and repentance. If one member of a group dies, the entire group should reflect. For the first three days, one should feel as if a sword is at his neck; from the third to the seventh day, as if it is in the corner; afterward, as if passing in the marketplace. This is to awaken a person to repent, as Jeremiah 5:3 says: “You have stricken them, but they have not trembled.”
