Saying Hakam and Zichrono Livracha regarding one’s deceased parent:[1]

A. In the first year:

Hakam: One is obligated to honor one’s father and mother even after their passing. Thus, upon mentioning them within the 12 months, such as one who says, “My father taught me such and such”, he is to say, “My father my teacher, Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo [i.e., Hakam/הכ”ם].” After 12 months one is to say “Zichrono Livracha[2].”[3] There is no difference between a father and mother in this regard.[4] [This obligation applies even if one mentions one’s parents in relation to a mundane matter[5], and certainly if it is in reference to a Torah teaching that one is giving over in their name.[6]]

Zichrono Livracha: Some Poskim[7] rule it is forbidden to say “Zichrono Livracha” during the 12 months and one must say Hakam. This applies even if one says it in addition to saying Hakam.[8]  Other Poskim[9] however rule one may always choose to say “Zichrono Livracha” rather than “Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo” even within the 12 months and so is the custom. [The Rebbe used the term Zal and Hakam on his father in-law, the Rebbe Rayatz, throughout the first year.[10] After the first year the Rebbe did not regularly append any title to the previous Rebbe, neither in speech nor in writing.]

In Writing:[11] When mentioning one’s father or mother in a letter one is to write the above title. Nevertheless, some Poskim[12] rule that even within 12 months one is not required to write “Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo” and is rather to write “Zichrono Livracha.”[13] Other Poskim[14], however, are stringent even by writing [to write “Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo” when mentioning one’s deceased parent within the 12 months]. Practically, the custom is like the latter opinion.[15] [Other Poskim[16] however rule one may always choose to even say “Zichrono Livracha” rather than “Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo” even within the 12 months and that so is the custom, and  most certainly this would apply to writing. Practically, the Rebbe, however, was accustomed to write Hakam during the first year.[17]]

B. Past the first year:[24]

After 12 months one is to say “Zichrono Livracha[25]” and not Hakam.[26] There is no difference between a father and mother in this regard.[27]

In Writing:[28] When mentioning one’s father or mother in a letter within the 12 months of mourning one is to write the above title.

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[1] Michaber 240:9; Rambam Mamrim 6:5; Kiddushin 31b “How does one honor their parent after their death? Upon mentioning them one is not to say, “My father taught me such and such”, but is rather to say “My father my teacher, Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo [i.e., Hakam/הכ”ם]. This however only applies within the 12 months from the passing, however after 12 months from the passing one is to say “Zichrono Lichayeh HaOlam Habah.”; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:32; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 455-457 footnote 1097-1130

[2] Other Nusschaos: The Talmud ibid and Tur states to say ”Zichrono Levracha Lechayey Olam Habah”, one is thus to write זללה”ה. [Taz 24:13] Many Rishonim, however, omit the word Livracha and simply write Zichrono Lichayeh Olam Habah. [Rif Kiddushin ibid; Rambam Mamarim 6:5; Meiri Kiddushin 31b; Yireim Mitzvah 56; Semag Asei 112; Rabbeinu Yerucham 51:4] Some say Zecher Tzadik Livracha. [Tashbeitz 1:122 based on Mishlei 10:7] Others say Alav Hashalom. [Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:14] Practically, the custom of the world is to simply say Zichrono Livracha as writes the Michaber ibid. [Aruch Hashulchan 240:30] However, when writing of the mother many write a”h. Although some write Zichronah Livracha even by a mother. [Haflah Hakdama Kesubos regarding his mother; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 329; Avnei Tzedek Y.D. 152; Likkutei Beis Efraim Derus 26; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 320 ]

[3] Michaber ibid; Kiddushin ibid and Rashi there

The reason: Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo states that whatever punishment is due to the parent in Gihennom during the 12 months of Gihennom the child takes upon himself. [Rashi Kiddushin ibid and Sukkah 20a with different content, brought in Taz 240:12; See Maharam Chalvah 17; Maharsham 3:151; Betzel Hachochmah 6:20; Shevet Halevi 10:158; Pesakim Uteshuvos footnote 306] It is thus improper to say this statement after 12 months as even Reshaim do not stay in Gihennom for longer. [Shach 240:13]  As for the reason it is said after 11 months, during the 12^th month, even though Kaddish is not recited in the 12^th month, this is because one must say something after mentioning his parent as otherwise it is belittling, and he can’t yet say Zal, as perhaps this is a lie, thus, due to lack of choice, he must say Hakam. [Taz ibid] Zal however states that the parent has merited Olam Habah.

[4] Rama ibid; Maharil 24; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1121-1123

[5] Darkei Moshe in name of Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1:4; Setimas Michaber ibid; Implication of Rama ibid who obligates this also by mother; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1124

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that one is only obligated to mention the words Hakam after mentioning one’s parent if he is saying a teaching of Torah in their name, however, when discussing mundane matters in their name it is not necessary to say Hakam. [Riy Hazakein Kiddushin 31b;] Based on this opinion, some Poskim are Melamed Zechus on the widespread custom of the world not to be particular to say Hakam upon mentioning their parents after death. [Divrei Moshe 67; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 2:447; Koveitz Mivaksheiy Torah 21 p. 247 in name of Rav SZ”A; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:32 footnote 309; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1125]

[6] Riy Hazakein Kiddushin 31b

[7] Rama ibid in stringent opinion and Minhag regrading a letter; Taz 240:12 that one may not say Zal during the 12 months as it is perhaps a lie; Peri Chadash Likkutim 9; Aruch Hashulchan 240:31; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1115-1116

[8] See Taz ibid that it is due to it perhaps being a lie and hence saying also the wording Hakam in addition to it does not make it any more lenient; Biur Hagr”a 240:22

[9] Shach 240:13, as understood [and later negated] by Peri Chadash Likkutim 9 and Aruch Hashulchan 240:31; Sefer Chassidim 745; Some however understand the Shach to be referring to saying Zal in addition to saying Hakam, and not in its place. [See Divrei Moshe 67; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 308, 314, and 321] See also Shach 2:18 who writes of his father Zal Hakam! See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1111-1114

[10] In the letter of Minhagei Yud Shevat the Rebbe wrote: כ”ק מו”ח אדמו”ר זצוקללה”ה נבג”מ זי”ע הכ”מ

[11] Rama ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1126-1130

[12] 1^st opinion in Rama ibid; Hagahos Alfasi Kiddushin; Piskeiy Riaz

[13] The reason: As a letter is around even after 12 months, when this statement is not to be used. [Rama ibid]

[14] 2^nd opinion Rama ibid; Nimukei Yosef; Kesef Mishneh in name of Rashbatz; Maharam Chaviv 264; Chavos Yair 71

[15] Rama ibid; Shach 242:46; 2:18; Darkei Moshe 240:4 that so wrote the Nimukei Yosef on his Rebbe; Shut Tashbeitz 1:122; Shut Mahralbach 4; See Taz 240:12 that forbids saying Zal during the 12 months; Aruch Hashulchan 240:32 that the custom is like the Rama unlike Shach

[16] Shach 240:13

[17] In the letter of Minhagei Yud Shevat the Rebbe wrote: כ”ק מו”ח אדמו”ר זצוקללה”ה נבג”מ זי”ע הכ”מ

[18] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:32; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1117-1120

[19] Yosef Ometz Dinei Shloshim; Derech Pikudecha Asei 33:5; Divrei Yissachar 116

[20] See Rama 376:5

[21] Taz 240:12; Rishon Letziyon 240; Shiyurei Bracha 376:6

[22] The reason: As for the reason it is said after 11 months, during the 12^th month, even though Kaddish is not recited in the 12^th month, this is because one must say something after mentioning his parent as otherwise it is belittling, and he can’t yet say Zal, as perhaps this is a lie, thus, due to lack of choice, he must say Hakam. [Taz ibid] Zal however states that the parent has merited Olam Habah.

[23] Taz 240:13; Leket Yosher 2:98 “Hakam Kizeh”; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:32; See, however, Sefer Haeshel Likkutei Shoshanim who questions this matter

[24] Michaber ibid; Kiddushin ibid and Rashi there; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:35; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 1103-1112

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that there is no need to say Zichrono Livracha after 12 months. [Sefer Chassidim 745; brought and questioned in Kneses Hagedola 240:25 and Bris Olam on Sefer Chassidim 980, that it is contrary to the Talmud]

[25] Other Nusschaos: The Talmud ibid and Tur states to say ”Zichrono Levracha Lechayey Olam Habah”, one is thus to write זללה”ה. [Taz 24:13] Many Rishonim, however, omit the word Livracha and simply write Zichrono Lichayeh Olam Habah. [Rif Kiddushin ibid; Rambam Mamarim 6:5; Meiri Kiddushin 31b; Yireim Mitzvah 56; Semag Asei 112; Rabbeinu Yerucham 51:4] Some say Zecher Tzadik Livracha. [Tashbeitz 1:122 based on Mishlei 10:7] Others say Alav Hashalom. [Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:14] Practically, the custom of the world is to simply say Zichrono Livracha as writes the Michaber ibid. [Aruch Hashulchan 240:30] However, when writing of the mother many write a”h. Although some write Zichronah Livracha even by a mother. [Haflah Hakdama Kesubos regarding his mother; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 329; Avnei Tzedek Y.D. 152; Likkutei Beis Efraim Derus 26; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 320 ] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid

[26] The reason: Hareini Kaparas Mishkavo states that whatever punishment is due to the parent in Gihennom during the 12 months of Gihennom the child takes upon himself. [Rashi Kiddushin ibid and Sukkah 20a with different content, brought in Taz 240:12; See Maharam Chalvah 17; Maharsham 3:151; Betzel Hachochmah 6:20; Shevet Halevi 10:158; Pesakim Uteshuvos footnote 306] It is thus improper to say this statement after 12 months as even Reshaim do not stay in Gihennom for longer. [Shach 240:13]

[27] Rama ibid; Maharil 24

[28] Rama ibid

[29] Biur Hagr”a 240:22; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:32