Mechila- Forgiving your honor as a parent:[1]

A father who forgives his honor, his honor is forgiven. [Thus, if one understands from his parent that they do not desire a certain matter of excessive respect that their son shows them, then the son may abstain from doing so.[2] This, however, only means that the children will not be punished in such a case that the parent was forgiving of the respect.[3] However, certainly a mitzvah of honoring one’s parent still remains upon the child, and hence even if the child knows that his parent forgives a certain matter of respect, it is still a mitzvah for him to do it even though he will not be punished for it if he does not.[4] Furthermore, some Poskim[5] write that when the parent and the child are in the presence of other people, then the child is to perform the honor for his parent even if his parent forgave the honor, in order so others do not learn to be lenient. Furthermore, all this allowance of forgiveness is only prior to the act of the child, however, after the fact that the child already disrespected the parent, the forgiveness of the parent no longer helps to absolve the child from punishment.[6]]

Should a Parent be Mochel:[7] A parent is not to overburden his children with demands and to be overparticular with their respect towards him, in order so he does not cause them to stumble. Rather, he should forgive [his honor] and ignore their disrespect. [Thus, it is proper for a parent to forgive their honor even without their child’s knowledge in order so the child not get punished for disrespecting them.[8] However, it is not proper for a parent to dismiss and forgive all matters of his honor, or on a constant basis, and rather he should be particular on occasion in order to emphasize the concept to his children.[9]]

Mechila in matters of fear: Some Poskim[10] rule that the ability for a parent to forgive his honor only applies to those matters that a child has to perform out of honor for his parent, however, those matters that a child has to perform due to the Mitzvah to fear his parent, cannot be forgiven by the parent. Other Poskim[11], however, rule that even matters that a child is required to perform out of fear for his parent, may be forgiven by the parent. Thus, it is permitted for a parent to allow a child to sit in his designated place, or to voice an opinion which is contrary to his opinion. Practically, the main ruling is like this opinion.[12]

Mechila of shame or pain or cursing or hitting:[13] According to all opinions, a parent cannot forgive his shame or pain. Hence, a parent cannot give permission for a child to embarrass him.[14] Likewise, a parent cannot give permission to his child to cause him physical pain.[15] Certainly, he cannot forgive his honor to allow his child to hit him or curse him.[16]

How to be Mochel [i.e., forgive honor]:[17] The parent must explicitly express to the child that he forgives his honor in a certain matter in order for it to become permitted for the child to be lenient in it. It does not suffice simply for the child to assume that his parent is Mochel because the parent was silent and did not protest the lack of respect. [If, however, the custom of the world is to be lenient in a certain matter of honor, then one can assume that his parent as well is Mochel, even if he did not hear this explicitly from the parent.[18] Furthermore, some Poskim[19] rule that if the parent forgives his respect even in his own heart without telling his son, it at least saves the son from future punishment and so is implied from the Talmud.[20]]

Revoking a Mechila:[21] A parent who forgives a certain honor has the right to later retract this forgiveness and obligate his child in the honor which he forgave in the past.

Mechila for standing:[22] As stated above, if a father or mother forgive their honor, their honor is forgiven, and hence one is not required to stand on their behalf if they forgive this honor. [Seemingly, based on this many children are lenient not to stand for their parents, under their assumption that their parents forgive their honor. Nevertheless, it is best to receive explicit permission from one’s parent.[23] Furthermore, some Poskim[24] write that when the parent and the child are in the presence of other people, then the child is to stand for his parent even if his parent forgave the honor, in order so others do not learn to be lenient. Furthermore, some Poskim[25] rule that even if the parent forgives his honor, the child must nonetheless show them some honor/Hiddur and slightly lift his body in their honor.]

Mechila for serving: Based on the above, it is permitted for a parent to serve their child as they have forgiven their respect in this matter and that is their will. See chapter 6 Halacha ?? For the full details of this matter.

Leaning by the Seder table:[26] A son who is eating by his father’s Seder table must nevertheless lean as one can assume that a father forgives his honor for the sake of his son.

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[1] Michaber 240:19; Tur 240:19; Rambam Mamrim 6:8; Rashba 1:18; Rav Chisda in Kiddushin 32a “Rav Yitzchak Bar Shila said in the name of Rav Masna who said in the name of Rav Chisda: A father who forgives us honor his honors.”; Sheilasos 101; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:51; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 426-430; All Poskim regarding son leaning by Seder table on the basis that one can assume that a father forgives his honor for the sake of his son. [See Admur 472:11; M”A 472:6; Levush 472:5; Chok Yaakov 472:9; Abudarham ibid; Kol Bo ibid; Peri Chadash ibid; Derech Hachaim 6; M”B 472:14]

[2] Meiri Kiddushin 31a

[3] Does this forgiveness help even after the fact if the son transgressed and did not perform a matter of respect that was not yet forgiven? Some Poskim rule that in such a case, the forgiveness of the father after the fact only helps regarding the laws of man and his fellow, however, in heaven he still held liable. [Sefer Chassidim 573; Nachal Kadmonim of Chida Pashas Shemos; Birkeiy Yosef 240:13] Certainly, if a father forgives his child after he hits or curses him, it does not help to save him from capital punishment. [See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 429 footnotes 774 and 779] However, by a Ben Soreh Umoreh, the forgiveness of the parent does help regarding certain matters.

[4] Radbaz 1:524 in name of Rameh, brought in Shita Mekubetzes Bava Metzia 32a in name of Rosh, in name of Maharam; Brought in Gilyon Rebbe Akiva Eiger 240:8 [19], Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:16; Tosafus HaRosh Bava Metzia 32a in name of Rabbeinu Meir; Arugas Habosem 3 p. 248; Igros Moshe Y.D. 3:96 “It is an obligation for one to beware of the honor of his mother…and even if she is Mochel, G-d forbid to rely on this.”

[5] Sefer Chassidim 339 regarding standing in his honor, brought in Kneses Hagedola Y.D. 240 Hagahos Hatur 39

[6] See previous footnotes!

[7] Michaber 240:19; Tur 240:19; Rambam Mamrim 6:8; Kiddushin 32a; Sefer Chassidim 565; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 429-430

[8] Sefer Chassidim 152, brought in Kneses Hagedola Y.D. 240 Hagahos Hatur 38 based on Kiddushin 32a; See Yosef Ometz 87; Teshuvah Meahavah 370; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 774

[9] Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:1; 151:2; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid

[10] Birkeiy Yosef 240:13 in name of Imrei Noam; Biur Harav Perlow on Rasag Mitzvas Asei 9; Az Nidbaru 11:31

[11] Sefer Hachinuch Mitzvah 212; Kneses Hagedola 244; Mishkanos Yaakov Parshas Korach based on Setimas Kol Haposkim; Conclusion of Birkeiy Yosef 240:13; Chayeh Adam 67:8 regarding calling another by father’s name; Teshuvah Meahavah 370; Turei Even Megillah 28; Aruch Hashulchan 240:9 regarding sitting in set place in Shul; Chazon Ish Y.D. 19:1; Sefer Limudei Hashem Limud 37 that so is proven from Shut Harashba 1:18; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 773

[12] Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid

[13] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 765-770

[14] Shut Harivash 220 in name of Raavad; Bedek Habayis of Beis Yosef 334; Turei Even Megillah 28a; Kesef Mishneh Talmud Torah 7:13; Shut Haranach Mayim Amukim 69; Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 212; Birkeiy Yosef 240:14

[15] Orchos Chaim Dinei Kibud Av 2; Moshav Zekeinim Vayikra 19:3; Shiyurei Bracha 240:9; Minchas Yitzchak 1:27; Shevet Halevi 2:112-4

[16] Sheilasos Sheilta Samech based on Sanhedrin 84b; Orchos Chaim Dinei Kibud Av 2; Sefer Chassidim 570; 573-574; Leket Yosher 2:37; Shiyurei Bracha 240:8 Pirush Daled

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule a father can forgive his son to allow him to hit him. [Minchas Chinuch 48:3]

[17] Beis Lechem Yehuda 242:32; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:51; However, see Sefer Chassidim 152

Does one receive punishment if he transgressed a matter of respect without knowing that his parent was forgiving of it before hand? Some Poskim rule that if the father was testing his child and, in his heart, forgave his respect if the child would fail the test, then his forgiveness helps to absolve the child from any punishment. However, if the child went ahead on his own and performed a matter of lack of respect without receiving his parents’ forgiveness beforehand, then he requires atonement. [Birkeiy Yosef 240:13; Yosef Ometz 87; Bris Olam on Sefer Chassidim 152; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 776-778]

[18] Yosher Horaiy  6:1; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid; See Chayeh Adam 67:8; Aruch Hashulchan 240:9; All Poskim regarding son leaning by Seder table on the basis that one can assume that a father forgives his honor for the sake of his son. [See Admur 472:11; M”A 472:6; Levush 472:5; Chok Yaakov 472:9; Abudarham ibid; Kol Bo ibid; Peri Chadash ibid; Derech Hachaim 6; M”B 472:14]

[19] Sefer Chassidim 152, brought in Kneses Hagedola Y.D. 240 Hagahos Hatur 38 based on Kiddushin 32a [see next footnote]; See Yosef Ometz 87; Teshuvah Meahavah 370; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 774.

[20] See Kiddushin 32a “Rav Huna tore a silk garment in front of his son Raba Bar Rav Huna in order to test him to see if he would get angry. He did so when his son was already angry over another issue. By doing so, he did not transgress the prohibition of Lifnei Iver being that he had already forgiven his honor. He likewise did not transgress the prohibition of Bal Tashchis being that he tore it in an area where it would not lose any of its value.”

[21] Maharam Shick Y.D. 218; Shevet Halevi 2:111-15; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 426 footnote 746

[22] Sefer Chassidim 339; See Shut Harivash 220; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 426

[23] See Kibud Umoreh 9:6

[24] Sefer Chassidim 339

[25] Ritva Kiddushin 32a; Kitzur Piskeiy Harosh Kiddushin 1:53; Shut Haradbaz 8:165; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:26 and 51; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 763

[26] Admur 472:11; Michaber 472:5; Pesachim 108a; Tosafus Pesachim ibid; Kol Bo 50; Abudarham Seder Haggadah; Sheilasos of Rav Achaiy Parshas Tzav; See Peri Chadash 472:5; Kaf Hachaim 472:32; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 430