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Chapter 15: Marriage related Hazards

1. Who to marry:

A. Marrying a person with a family history of health issues:[1] [Shulchan Aruch]

One is to abstain from marrying an individual with a family history of health problems.

Genetic testing:[2]

Based on the previous Halacha, one is to avoid entering a Shidduch which has potential genetic conflict that can cause the offspring to be born with a physical or mental defect. Accordingly, every individual is strongly recommended to perform genetic testing prior to entering a Shidduch.[3] In the event that the genetic conflict was only discovered after the wedding, it is debated amongst the Poskim as to whether it is permitted for them to have children, and if they must get divorced. This depends on the percentage of risk of the child being born with genetic disorder as well as other matters.

 

B. Marrying a woman for her money:[4] [Talmud/Shulchan Aruch]

One who marries an invalid woman for her money will have improper children. However, it is permitted for one to marry a valid woman for the sake of her money.

 

C. Widow:[5] [Zohar/Achronim]

[According to Halacha, there is no issue with marrying a widow, as proven from the next Halacha regarding a Katlanis. However], according to the Zohar[6], it is a danger of life for one to marry a widow. A special Tikkun was established by the Rashash for one who nevertheless marries a widow, and so is followed by some Sephardic communities.[7] Some, however, write that this only applies within the first year after death of her husband.[8] Others say that this danger no longer applies today[9], and so is the widespread custom and so is the practical directive of the Chabad Rabbeim to marry widows without issue.[10] The Ashkenazi custom is to permit remarrying without performing the Tikkun of the Rashash.[11] Furthermore, one is not publicize this warning in order not to cause pain to widows.[12] Furthermore, having the widow remarry and recontinue a Torah family life gives Nachas to her deceased husband.[13]]

D. Katlanis-Remarrying after two or more deaths of previous spouses r”l:[14] [Talmud/Shulchan Aruch]

Widow: A woman who became widowed twice [was married or Halachically engaged/Mekudeshes twice, and each of her husbands passed away during the marriage, or after the Kiddushin before the Nessuin[15]] is not to remarry a third time as she is proven [i.e. Chazakah] to cause her husbands to die [due to having a bad Mazal[16]].[17] Some Poskim[18] however rule that this only applies if they died a natural death, and not due to murder, epidemic, or tragic incident. For this reason, many are lenient in these matters, and we do not protest them.[19] Even according to the stringent opinion, if she already married then the couple does not need to divorce.[20] If they choose to divorce, then whether or not she receives a Kesuba is dependent on if the husband new of her previous husband’s deaths prior to the marriage or not.[21]

Widower:[22] A man who had two [or more[23]] previous wives pass way is not to abstain from remarrying another time. [This applies even if the two or more previous wives passed away from the same death, such as they both passed away during childbirth.[24] However, some Poskim[25] are stringent in such a case, especially if three of his previous wives passed away from the same death.]

E. Megureshes-Remarrying after two or more divorces: [Rishonim/Shulchan Aruch]

Some Poskim[26] rule that a woman who was married twice and divorced from both husbands is initially not to remarry. Other Poskim[27], however, rule that there is no such restriction. [Likewise, there is no Zoharic restriction against marrying a divorcee.[28]]

F. Marrying a Kohenes:[29] [Talmud/Shulchan Aruch]

An Am Haaretz/Ignoramus is not to marry a Kohenes. If he does so, their marriage will not be successful, as either she or he will quickly die or they will be in constant fight with each other [or they will be poor[30]].[31] However, a Torah scholar who marries a Kohenes, [their marriage] is pleasant and praised, as the Torah and priesthood complement each other [and their marriage is a Segula for wealth[32]].[33] [Some Poskim[34] rule that this type of Am Haretz no longer exists today, as it refers to one who belittles and scorns at the Mitzvos, and is not measured by scholarliness. Others[35] however rule that an Am Haretz includes anyone who is not Halachically defined as a Talmid Chacham. Nonetheless, today, one may be lenient in the definition of a Talmid Chacham, and so is the custom to marry a Kohenes.[36]]

The directive of the Chabad Rabbeim: The directive of the Tzemach Tzedek was for the Chasan to be well versed in one Misechta, in order to leave the status of an Am Haretz in this regard.[37] The Chabad Rabbeim instructed that the Chasan is to study by heart one tractate of the Talmud and repeat it from memory each day.[38] Elsewhere, the Tzemach Tzedek directed that the husband gives a small amount of money each day to charity, throughout his life.[39] Thus, one has an alternative to learn daily, or give charity daily. The above is to be done without a Neder.[40] Practically, the Rebbe negated the need for one to follow the above directives and give charity daily, or review the Tractate of Mishnayos daily, and rather suggested as follows.[41] The Rebbe advised that the Chasan add in Torah learning.[42] He is to be well versed in one Misechta before his wedding.[43] One may choose any Tractate in the Talmud, even the small Tractates, such as Miseches Kallah.[44] One is not required to memorize the text, but rather to know its content.[45] On one occasion, the Rebbe directed the Chasan to study the entire Shisha Sidrei Mishneh prior to the wedding, or at the very least one or two Sedarim.[46] On another occasion, the Rebbe directed that if possible, one is to be an expert in the laws written in Kitzur Shulchan Aruch.[47]

Summary: One who is not a Talmid Chacham is not to marry a Kohenes. The custom in today’s times is to be lenient in this matter, although prior to the wedding, the Chasan is to study and be well versed in at least one Tractate of the Talmud. It suffices to be well versed even in a small Misechta, such as Miseches Kallah. In general, the Chasan is to increase in Torah study.

 

G. Chalutza:[48] [Achronim]

There is no danger of life for one to marry a Chalutza even according to the Zohar.

 

H. Marrying a convert:[49] [Talmud/Achronim]

Rava taught his children that they should not marry a convert.

2. Restrictions in marriages of relatives:[50] [Rav Yehuda Hachassid]

A. Uncle and niece-Marrying one’s sister’s or brother daughter:[51]

One should not marry his niece, his sister’s daughter. [This warning, however, runs contrary to the ruling and directive of the Talmud[52] and Poskim[53] which state that it is a Mitzvah for an uncle to marry his niece, his sister’s daughter. Thus, it is therefore no longer follow today.[54]] Likewise, one should avoid marrying his niece who is his brother’s daughter [even if his brother is no longer married to her mother].[55] [This is despite the fact that some Poskim[56] rule that it is a Mitzvah to marry one’s niece even from one’s brother. However, Bedieved, if they already got married then we do not make them get divorced.[57] Some Poskim[58] rule that one is to be stringent in this even if his parents request from him to marry his niece. Other Poskim[59], however, rule that there is no danger involved if one marries his niece due to the instructions of his parents.]

B. Brothers marrying a mother and daughter, or niece:[60]

Two brothers are not to marry two women who are mother and daughter. [According to this, this is an additional reason for one to avoid marrying his niece who is his brother’s daughter if his brother is still married to her mother, as in such a case it ends up that two brothers are married to a mother and daughter.[61]

C. Step uncle and niece:[62]

Some Poskim[63] rule that according to Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid a woman is not to marry the brother of her father’s wife, even if she is not her biological uncle such as if her father remarried. Other Poskim[64], however, rule that there is no danger involved if a woman marries the brother of her father’s wife.

D. Sisters marrying a father and son:[65]

Two sisters are not to marry two men who are father and son [if both sisters are still alive[66]]. [However, Bedieved, if they already got married then we do not make them get divorced.[67]]

 

E. Brothers marrying two sisters:[68]

Two brothers are not to marry two sisters [including even maternal sisters[69]], as if they do so, one of them will die, or they will not have successful marriages. [This is due to Ayin Hara.[70] This applies even if the parents are no longer alive.[71]] If two brothers have already married two sisters, then one of them are to divorce their wives. [Indeed, many brothers who have married two sisters have been seen to not have successful marriages.[72] However, in previous times, this was accepted, as the Talmud[73] states that 80 pairs of Kohanim were married to 80 pairs of Kohanos who were sisters.[74] Practically, the directive of the Chabad Rebbe’s is to be lenient to permit such marriages, although it is preferable that the two couples do not live in the same city.[75] Furthermore, even three brothers may marry three sisters if they do not live in the same city.[76]]

F. Brother and sister marrying sister and brother:[77]

Siblings are not to marry another brother and sister, as if they do so they will not have successful marriages. [However, in some communities they are not particular in this matter, and on the contrary, they even initially marry their brother in-laws sister, and their marriages have been successful.[78] Practically, one who is stringent is praised, as it is not truly possible to know that the marriages were successful throughout their lives.[79] The Tzemach Tzedek was not stringent in this.[80] However, some say that he later retracted his ruling and was stringent.[81] The directive of the Rebbe is to be lenient to permit such marriages even initially, although it is preferable that the two couples do not live in the same city.[82]]

G. Father and son marrying two sisters:[83]

A father and son are not to marry two women who are sisters.

H. Marrying one’s deceased wife’s sister:[84]

Some Poskim[85] rule that a man whose first wife passed away is not to marry his deceased wife’s sister [unless he did not merit to have any children with his first wife[86]]. The reason for this is because the sages state that it is only 1/100 that merits to have children from two sisters. Other Poskim[87], however, rule to the contrary that the deceased wife’s sister is actually encouraged to marry her brother-in-law, in order to help support her sisters’ children, which are her nephews. Practically, the final ruling is as follows:[88] The only case in which one is to avoid marrying his deceased wife’s sister is if he has children from his first wife, who are old enough to support and fend for themselves, and the sister is able to still have children. If, however, the sister can no longer have children, or one has small children from his deceased wife who need support, or one did not have any children with his deceased wife, then it is permitted and at times even encouraged for one to marry his deceased wife’s sister.

 

I. Marrying one’s deceased bride’s sister:[89]

There is no issue to marry the sister of one’s bride whom he was engaged to marry but never ended up marrying.

J. Father and child being married to mother and daughter or son:[90]

There is no issue with a father and son being married to a mother and daughter or a father and daughter being married to a mother and son, so long as the children married prior to the parents.

K. Stepsiblings getting married:[91]

Stepsiblings [i.e. a stepson and stepdaughter one belonging to the remarried father and one belonging to the remarried mother] should not marry each other even though they have no biological relationship, and there is no Halachic[92] issue with doing so. [However, there is no issue with a person marrying the parent of their child’s spouse, and hence if one’s son married a certain woman, there is no issue with him then marrying her mother.[93] Furthermore, some are lenient in this matter all-together.[94]]

3. Restrictions in marriages due to names:[95] [Rav Yehuda Hachassid]

*Regarding adding a name, and one who already has a second name-see Halacha E!

A. Chasan has same name as father of Kallah, or Kallah has same name as mother of Chasan:[96]

[Due to Ayin Hara and danger] a man should not marry a woman whose father shares the same name as he [without a second name, as explained below]. Likewise, a woman should not marry a man whose mother shares the same name as her. If they do marry, then one of them should change their name, and perhaps there will be hope [for the marriage, otherwise the marriage is most likely doomed for failure].[97] [This worry applies even if the parent who shares the same name is no longer alive.[98] Although there are many who are not careful in this[99], it has been witnessed that such marriages are not successful, and in one scenario the groom died shortly afterwards, and the bride remarried and got divorced and then died without children.[100] However, some Poskim[101] rule that the issue is only in a case that the names are Meshulash, tripled. Meaning that the warning is only if the father-in-law will now have two sons-in-law who share the same name as he, and so too if the mother-in-law will now have two daughter-in-law’s who share the same name as her. However, to simply have one son-in-law or one daughter-in-law with the same name is not a problem. Practically, however, the Poskim[102] negate this opinion. Nonetheless, the Poskim[103] conclude that a bride who wants to marry a proper Ben Torah and G-d-fearing Jew and the only issue at hand is the issue of the names discussed above, then one who is not particular about this likewise G-d is not particular with them and there is nothing for them to worry about. All the above is so even with regard to Ashkenazim. However, with regard to Sephardim, it is known that many Sephardic communities are not at all concerned about similar names of the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.[104] Furthermore, some Poskim[105] rule that even Ashkenazim may be lenient in this matter if they choose, however, the Chabad custom is to be stringent.[106] In one scenario where there were three generations of shared names, the Rebbe directed for three Rabbanim to gather and discuss the allowance of the matter.[107]]

Stepparent: If the biological mother or father-in-law do not share the same name as the Chasan or Kallah, but the stepmother or step father in law share the same name, then there is no danger involved unless the names are Meshulash. In this regard, Meshulash means the third generation, unlike the previous definition.[108]

Not living in same city: Some Poskim[109] rule that the above danger only applies if the in-laws live in the same city as the couple. Other Poskim[110], however, are stringent even if they don’t live in the same city.

One who is over 20 years old: Some Poskim[111] rule that even initially this restriction only applies to one who is under 20 years old.

Not saying the name: Some Poskim[112] rule that the danger can be avoided if one is particular to never call his wife by her name. Other Poskim[113], however, are stringent even in such a case.

Father agrees: Some Poskim[114] rule that the danger can be avoided if the father of the bride agrees to the Shidduch.

If the Shidduch was already closed: Some Poskim[115] rule that if they already closed the Shidduch, it should not be broken due to this matter. Other Poskim[116], however, question this assertion. Practically, a new name is to be added, as explained below.

Zivug Sheiyni: Some Poskim[117] rule that the above danger only applies to a Zivug Rishon and not to a Zivug Sheiyni.

Three Rabbanim: Some Poskim[118] rule that one can receive a Heter from three Rabbanim to circumvent the above worry.

B. Parents of Chasan and Kallah share the same names:[119]

If the parents of the Chasan and Kallah have the same exact name, they should not have their children marry each other. [This applies for the names of both the mother and the father, such as if both the mother of the Chasan and Kallah have the same name, or the father of the Chasan and Kallah have the same name.[120] Some Poskim[121] rule that this worry no longer applies if the parent who shares the same name is no longer alive. Likewise, some Poskim[122] rule this only applies if the names of the fathers are identical, and not regarding the names of the mothers. Other Poskim[123] rule the above only applies to small children, while children who are already adults may choose to marry someone even if their parents share names. Other Poskim[124] rule the concern only applies if the parents share the same rare name, however by common names, such as Avraham and Yitzchak, no concern applies. Other Poskim[125] rule that this worry does not apply to a Torah scholar. Some Poskim[126] rule that if they already closed the Shidduch, it should not be broken due to this matter.]

C. Chasan and mother-in-law sharing the same name:[127]

There is no issue with a man marrying a woman whose mother shares the same name as he.

 

D. Chasan and Kallah sharing the same name:[128]

People should not marry each other if they share the same exact name.

 

E. If one of them have a second name and adding a second name:[129]

If one of the parents with the identical name has a second name which is not shared with the other parent, then there is no worry involved.[130] The same applies regarding if a son in law and father-in-law, and daughter in law and mother -in-law share the same name, but one of them have a second name.[131] [For example, if one is called Chaim Baruch, while the second is called Chaim, it is not a problem.] However, this only applies so long as the second name is still in use and has not become null and void according to Halacha [i.e. Lo Nishtakeia].[132]

Adding a name: Even if the parents share the same exact name, if a second name is added to one of the parents, it suffices.[133] Accordingly, if the mothers share the same name, then one of the mothers should have a name added.[134] Likewise, if the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, or son in law and father in law, share the same name, then one of them is to have a name added.[135] In  general, the above added name suffices to negate all worry, however, in one scenario the Rebbe also instructed for the couple and in laws who shared the same names not to live in the same city, in addition to adding a name to one of them.[136]

How to add the name: A local Rav is to be consulted regarding the adding of the name, and in terms of which name to add.[137] The added name should be in Lashon Hakodesh.[138] The change of name is to take place during a Mi Shebeirach which is recited upon one of the family members receiving an Aliyah to the Torah.[139] A few Mi Shebeirach’s should take place using the newly added name.[140] After the naming, it would be best that a minimum of thirty days pass from the time the additional name is given to the time that the shidduch is concluded.[141] One must make sure that the second name remains in use and does become null and void according to Halacha [i.e. Lo Nishtakeia].[142] One is to thus sign using also the added name.[143]

How to call the person with the second or added name: The added name should become the first name of the person, with his original name following it.[144] Some Poskim[145] rule that even in the event that one of them have a second name, this alone does not suffice, and that person must from now on be called only by that second name in order to negate the worry. Alternatively, the person is to be called by both names.[146] [In general, the Rebbe was not particular in this matter, and so long as the person has a second name which remains Halachically intact, it suffices.[147] However, there were cases in which the Rebbe directed for the two individuals to not be called by the same name, and hence for the person who has the added name to be called by the added name.[148] In another case the Rebbe directed for the added name to become the main name of the person.[149] In another scenario, the Rebbe directed for the two people who shared the same name, with one having an added name, for them to sign their names differently.[150] In another case where the two people shared one name of their two names, the Rebbe directed for them to not be both called by only the common name, and hence at least one of them should be called by both names, or each be called by the other name.[151]]

 

F. Second marriage-The name of one’s second wife or second husband:[152]

One should not marry a second wife or second husband that has the same name as one’s first wife or first husband. [It is questionable whether this only applies to one who became widowed from his/her spouse or even to a person who was divorced from his/her spouse.[153] Some Poskim[154] rule that there is no actual prohibition for a person to marry a second spouse with the same name as his or her first spouse, although one was stringent is blessed.]

Q&A What is the law if one of the individuals had a name added to his name due to an illness, and he now shares identical names to his future potential father-in-law?[155] There is no issue in such a case, as the issue is only if they share identical names from the time of birth.   If one of the parents has a nickname, or a secular name, are the names considered identical?[156] Seemingly, one may be lenient in this matter if the parent is called by this nickname or secular name.

4. Marrying off a younger child prior to an older child:[157] [Rishonim/Achronim]

One is not to marry off a younger sibling prior to an older sibling. Thus, one is not to marry off a younger daughter prior to an older daughter.[158] Likewise, some Poskim[159] rule one is not to marry off a younger son prior to an older son. Likewise, some Poskim[160] rule one is not to marry off a younger son prior to an older daughter, or a younger daughter prior to an older son. This applies even if the younger sibling is a greater scholar than the older sibling.[161] This applies even if the parents are not marrying off the children [such as by orphans], nevertheless, the younger child is not to precede the older child.[162] Some Poskim[163] however rule that this only applies in a case that both are already engaged, in which case the older siblings wedding is to precede the younger siblings wedding, while if the older sibling is not yet engaged, it is permitted for the younger sibling to wed before him/her. Other Poskim[164] however learn that this applies in all cases, even if the older sibling is not yet engaged, nevertheless, the younger sibling may not precede him in marriage. Practically, in all cases one is to be careful in this matter [unless it is a case of need and the older sibling forgoes his right, as explained next] and so was the custom of the Chabad Rabbeim.[165] Accordingly, one needs to place effort to look for a Shidduch for his older daughter prior to his younger daughter.[166] Likewise, one is to avoid accepting a Shidduch with a younger sibling prior to the older sibling getting engaged [or giving forgiveness].[167]

If the older sibling forgoes his right: The above law is due to Derech Eretz and not a letter of the law prohibition[168] and hence carries with it the following leniencies: In a time of need[169], if the older sibling agrees to allowing the younger sibling to marry before him/her then it is permitted for him/her to do so.[170] The younger sibling is to verbally ask for forgiveness from the older sibling. It is best if the older sibling writes down her forgiveness on paper and hands it to the younger sibling, or for her to say the forgiveness in front of two Kosher witnesses.[171] The older sibling is to forgive with a complete heart to allow the younger sibling to marry, and even rejoice in her marriage.[172] Giving this whole-hearted forgiveness is a Segula for the older sibling to find their Zivug speedily.[173] In addition to asking for forgiveness, the younger sibling and his Zivug are to donate a sum of money towards the wedding of the older sibling and place it in a special fund on her/his behalf. In addition, the Vort/Lechaim and wedding is to be done without exaggerated publication, and be more of a modest nature. Likewise, the wedding should not be rushed, hence giving some time for the older daughter to marry.[174]

If the older sibling refuses to forgive:[175] If the older sibling refuses to forgive and agree to the younger siblings marriage, in certain circumstances, such as if they are already of an older age and the younger sibling has a good match offered, the younger sibling may go along with the wedding despite the older siblings misgivings.[176]

5. Not to break off wedding:

A. Delaying a wedding:[177] [Achronim]

It is a danger to delay a wedding from its established date. Accordingly, the custom is not to write a wedding date in the Tanaim.

 

B. Breaking off an engagement:[178] [Achronim]

It is a grave danger to break off an engagement once the Tanaim have been written, and it is more difficult than a Get, and hence it is better to marry and get divorced than to break off the wedding.[179] There is also a Cherem Hakadmonim against one who nullifies a Shidduch.[180]

 

C. Not to quarrel over money by Shidduchim and marriages:[181] [Shulchan Aruch]

If a Chasan was promised to be given a certain amount of money by the father of the bride, he should not delay the wedding [and certainly should not separate from his wife] until the father pays up his pledge [for the dowry], and he should not cancel the wedding even if the father goes back on his pledge. One who does make issues and delays the wedding due to the money causes that his marriage will not be successful, as the money that one takes in exchange for marriage is not considered honest money, and one who is particular in it is considered to be marrying someone for the sake of money.

6. The wedding:

A. Dates of avoidance:[182] [Shulchan Aruch/Achronim]

Days:[183] Some rule that weddings should not take place on Sundays.

Dates within months:[184] The custom is to only get married in the beginning of the month when the moon is on its way to reach its full state [i.e. from the 1st to the 15th of the month[185], and not from the 16th of the month[186]]. [Practically, today we are no longer particular in this.[187] Some Poskim[188] rule that even initially this restriction only applied to one who is under 20 years old. Some Poskim[189] rule that even initially this restriction only applied to one who was never yet married, and not to a widow or widower. Even those who are particular in the above are not to delay the wedding past the above dates if doing so will cause a Chuppas Niddah.[190] Some are lenient to marry throughout the entire month regarding the following months:[191] Elul[192], Av[193], Tishreiy[194], Adar[195], Kisleiv.[196]]

Months:[197] Some are accustomed not to get married during the month of Marcheshvan.[198] However, in majority of communities, people are not careful in this.[199] Some are accustomed not to get married in the months of Teves and Shevat.[200]

Sefira:[201] The custom is to avoid getting married and making weddings during one’s mourning period of Sefira.[202] [Getting married during the mourning period of Sefira is a danger to the future marriage and hence a Rav should not allow it to be done even if there are many sides to be lenient.[203]]

Three weeks:[204] One may not get married throughout the three weeks.[205] This applies even if one is childless or is single and has small children from a previous marriage.[206] This applies even if the wedding feast will not be celebrated at this time, and will take place at a later date.[207] [From the 17th of Tammuz until Rosh Chodesh Av this prohibition is due to custom, while from Rosh Chodesh Av until Tisha B’av this prohibition is from the letter of the law.[208]]

Aseres Yimei Teshuvah:[209] The custom is to avoid making weddings of a 1st marriage between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.[210] However a 2nd marriage may be made during these days.[211] In a time of need a couple may marry even a 1st marriage during this time.[212]

 

B. Making two weddings in one day:[213] [Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid/Shulchan Aruch]

Two of one’s children:[214] A parent is to be aware not to marry off two of his children on the same day, as such marriages will not be successful. Thus, one should not schedule the wedding of his two sons or two daughters or his son and daughter on the same day. [This applies even on Lag Baomer, and even though being careful in this will cause one of the weddings to be delayed.[215] However, it is permitted to make the wedding of one child during the daytime and to make the wedding of a second child at nighttime.[216] However, some are stringent in this.[217]]

Two couples: It is permitted to make two weddings on the same day, such as for one’s son and for an orphaned couple.[218] However, some write that one should not make two weddings simultaneously on the same day even if they are not relatives, as such a marriage will not be successful.[219] Practically, the custom is to be lenient.[220] Nevertheless, they should not be wet under the same Chuppah simultaneously, and rather each couple should have their own Chuppah.[221]

C. Making two weddings in same week:

It is permitted to make two weddings of two siblings on the same week.[222] However, some Poskim[223] are stringent in this matter even if they are not relatives as such a marriage will not be successful. Practically, the Chabad custom is to be lenient in this matter.[224]

D. Shushvinin:[225] [Achronim]

There are various restrictions relating to the Shushvinin of the Chasan and Kallah who bring them down the aisle of the Chuppah.

E. Capturing a deer:[226] [Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid]

One is not to capture a deer on behalf of the Chuppah.

7. After the wedding:

A. Having relations for the first time on Shabbos or Yom Tov with a widow:[227] [Talmud/Shulchan Aruch/Shulchan Aruch Harav]

One who married a widow [or a divorcee[228], or a woman who is not a Besula[229]] may not consummate his first marital relations with her neither on Shabbos nor Yom Tov. [230] It is proper to be stringent in this even if they already had full Yichud[231] prior to Shabbos or Yom Tov.[232] [This especially applies regarding a widow, in which there is danger of death involved to have relations with her for the first time on Shabbos or Yom Tov.[233]] It is forbidden according to all to do so if no complete Yichud took place before Shabbos.[234] For this reason, if her Mikveh night falls out on Friday night, she may not immerse.[235]

B. Having relations with a widow on the night of the wedding:[236] [Achronim]

Some Poskim[237] rule that there is danger involved in having relations with a widow on the night of the wedding, even if it is not Friday night. Practically, however, one should not be stringent in this matter for can lead to sin.[238] Likewise, some Poskim[239] rule that one may be lenient in this matter if he does not have any children.

C. Fighting and quarreling in the home of a Chasan and Kallah:[240] [Achronim]

Quarrelling and fighting in the home of a newlywed [i.e. Chasan and Kallah] cases damage and evil.

8. Shemira:

A. Shemira before the wedding for a Chasan and Kallah:[241] [Achronim]

The Chasan and Kallah are not to go out alone for several days[242] prior to the wedding.[243] [Practically, many are accustomed to follow this practice one week before the wedding. Others begin to follow it the Shabbos before the wedding and others from when they arrive in the city the wedding is taking place.]

Q&A May two Chasanim and two Kallah go out together?[244] Yes.[245] May the Chasan or Kallah be alone at home? No.[246] The Rebbe at the time he was a Chasan was told not to go from even one room to another without a Shomer, and not to stay in a room alone without a Shomer.[247]

Maaseh Shehayah:[248] One time as the Rebbe was passing by a bank, he saw a Bochur within a week of his wedding standing there without a Shomer. The Rebbe asked him “Where is your Shomer”? The Rebbe then proceeded to stand next to the Bochur acting as his Shomer until another Bochur passed by. The Rebbe asked the passing Bochur if he could switch the Rebbe in the Shemira as he is kind of busy.

 

B. Shemira after the wedding for a Chasan and Kallah:[249] [Talmud/Shulchan Aruch/Achronim]

It is forbidden for a Chasan [or Kallah[250]] to go outside alone in the marketplace [or any area[251], both by day or night[252] during Sheva Brachos].[253] The Chasan and Kallah are to only go out with an escort.[254] Due to this, the custom became amongst many Chasanim not to go to Shul throughout the Sheva Brachos, as there is no one found to escort them to and from Shul.[255] [Practically, if the Chasan does not have a Shomer to escort him he is not to go to Shul.[256]]

Q&A May the Chasan and Kallah go out alone together? Many are accustomed to allowing the Chasan and Kallah to go out alone together.[257] The Chabad custom however is to have an escort even when the couple goes out together.[258]   May two Chasanim and two Kallah go out together? No.[259] May a Chasan or Kallah be alone in their house?[260] No. The Chasan or Kallah is to have a Shomer when one is alone at home, [however when both the Chasan and Kallah are together at home, no Shomer is required]. May the Chasan go out alone to perform a Bris or be a Sandek?[261] No, unless no one else is available. Can the Chasan go out alone if his Kallah forgives her honor?[262] No.[263] May a child be a Shomer?[264] A child may not be a Shomer. May a gentile be a Shomer?[265] No.

_____________________________________________________________

[1] See Michaber E.H. 20:7; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 165:1-6

[2] See Shemiras Hanefesh Kehilchasa chapter 13:19; See Encyclopedia Hilchatit Refuit Erech Torasha Vol. 7

[3] https://doryeshorim.org/

[4] Rama E.H. 2:1; Kiddushin 70a; Aruch Hashulchan 2:1; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 163:1

[5] See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 167:1-4; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 52:4

[6] Zohar Parshas Mishpatim, brought in Chaim Sheol 2:19 who adds a Maaseh that happened in his time where four husbands of a widow died; Chavos Yair 197; China Vechisda Kesubos 2:226; Chupas Chasanim 1

[7] See Rav Poalim Sod Yesharim 1 for the Nussach of the Tikkun; Nitei Gavriel 52:8

[8] Chaim Sheol 2:19 in name of Mekubalim; Chaim Veshalom 1:13; Maaseh Rav 12 Maharsham 2:142; Daas Torah 339; Igros Kodesh 3:24

[9] Bnei Yissachar Adar 2:7 that after the Sages established a date of marriage for a widow, there is no longer any danger involved, and that the Mezritcher Maggid stated that the soul of the Niftar does not have an Aliyah until his wife remarries and in name of; Daas Torah O.C. 339:5; Nitei Gavriel 52:4

[10] Igros Kodesh 3:24; 27:71; 101; Igros Kodesh Rashab 2:923; Likkutei Sichos 19:515

[11] Igros Kodesh 3:24; Nitei Gavriel 52:8

[12] Yosef Ometz 49; Chaim Veshalom 1:13

[13] Likkutei Sichos 19:515

[14] See E.H. 9:1; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 166

[15] Rama ibid; Maggid Mishneh on Rambam Issurei Biyah 21:31

[16] Beis Shmuel 9:1; Yevamos 64b

[17] Michaber E.H. 9:1; Rambam Issurei Biyah 21:31; Yevamos 64b [that there is a Chazakah even with two deaths, unlike Abayey who held its only with three deaths, and he then died after marrying Chuma who was on her 3^rd marriage after the death of two previous husbands]; Rosh 53:8

[18] Opinion in Rama ibid; Beis Yosef 9 in name of Ramban 121

[19] Rama ibid

[20] Michaber ibid; Rambam ibid; Rivash 242; Beis Shmuel 9:2

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even Bedieved they must get divorced as Chamira Sakanta Meissura. [Rosh ibid; Beis Shmuel 9:2]

[21] See Michaber ibid; Beis Shmuel 9:3; Chelkas Mechokeik 9:1; Encyclopedia Talmudit Vol. 33 p. 83

[22] Michaber E.H. 9:2; Tur 9; Rosh Klal 54

[23] Beis Shmuel 9:7; Rashal

[24] Chelkas Mechokeik 9:3 and Beis Shmuel ibid in name of Teshuvos Harosh 54 [Klal 33 Siman 8]

[25] Chelkas Mechokeik ibid based on opinion in Michaber Y.D. 263:2 regarding a father who had two sons pass away after a Bris; Beis Shmuel ibid negates the ruling of Chelkas Mechokeik ibid

[26] 1^st opinion in Rama E.H. 9:1; Rashi Yevamos 26a; Nimukei Yosef 7a

[27] 2^nd opinion in Rama E.H. 9:1; Tosafus Yevamos 26a; Hagahos Miamanis Issurei Biyah 21 pei

[28] Maharsham 3:333; Aruch Hashulchan 339:15; Kaf HaChaim 339:64; Nitei Gavriel 52:9; Igros Kodesh 9:226

[29] Michaber E.H. 2:8; Admur 444:15; Rambam Issurei Biyah 21; Rebbe Yochanon Pesachim 49a; Tzemach Tzedek Even Haezer 11; Otzer Haposkim 1:2-8:44; See Shulchan Menachem E.H. 6:247; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 164:1-4

[30] Pesachim ibid

[31] The source: This is learned from the verse [Vayikra 22] which states that if a Kohenes marries a Zar, and she becomes a widow, or divorcee, or has no children, from which we learn that a Kohenes is meant to marry a Kohen, and if she marries a Zar, then any of the above may occur. [Rav Chisda in Pesachim ibid]

Case examples: Rebbe Yehoshua married a Kohenes and became weak. He stated that seemingly Ahron is unhappy with him marrying one of his daughters. Rav Kehana blamed his exile and wandering on the fact he married a Kohenes. [Pesachim ibid]

[32] Pesachim ibid “Rebbe Yochanon said: One who desires wealth is to marry a descendant of Aaron. Rav Sheshes said in the name of Rav Papa that he became wealthy due to marrying a Kohenes.”

[33] Michaber ibid; Pesachim ibid; Rivash 15; Maharam 605; Tzemach Tzedek ibid

Other opinions: See Tzemach Tzedek ibid for a discussion of why the above Amoraim, who were certainly Talmidei Chachamim, nevertheless felt they were punished for marrying a Kohenes. He explains there that these Amoraim held that even a Talmid Chacham cannot marry a Kohenes, thus arguing on the conclusion of the Gemara ibid. See however Maharsha ibid that one can simply say that due to his humility, Rav Kahana did not view himself as a Torah scholar.

[34] Chavos Yair 70, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 2:9 and Y.D. 217; Aruch Hashulchan 2:5; M”B 466:2

[35] Tzemach Tzedek ibid; Maharam Shick 6 “In today’s times an exceptional Bachur who is G-d fearing person may marry”; Avnei Tzedek 5 that there is a middle level of one who is not a Talmid Chacham but also not an Am Haaretz;

[36] The reason: Although, in truth, having knowledge of one Misechta does not define one as a Talmid Chacham, nevertheless, since the Kohanim today do not have true proof of lineage, and thus cannot eat Biblical Terumah, as well as that many are anyways lenient in this matter, and Shomer Pesaim Hashem, it therefore suffices to study only one tractate. [Tzemach Tzedek ibid; Likkutei Sichos 19:509; Igros Kodesh 11:115; Avnei Tzedek 5]   

[37] Tzemach Tzedek Even Haezer 11 “So long as he knows one Misechta”, mentioned in various responses of the Rebbe, brought in Igros Kodesh below.

[38] Maaneh of Rebbe Rashab to Rav Klotzkin, printed in Yagdil Torah N.Y. 20 Nissan 5738

[39] Response of Rebbe Rashab that so directed the Tzemach Tzedek, printed in Yagdil Torah N.Y. 20 Nissan 5738, mentioned in Likkutei Sichos 19:509

[40] Response of Rebbe Rashab that so directed the Tzemach Tzedek, printed in Yagdil Torah N.Y. 20 Nissan 5738, mentioned in Likkutei Sichos 19:509

[41] Likkutei Sichos 19:509

The reason: As the custom today has become to be lenient in this matter, and Shomer Pesaim Hashem, and the more careful one is to negate any harm, itself emphasizes the harm. It thus suffices for one to be considered like a Talmid Chacham before the wedding , and he then no longer has to worry about this matter. [Likkutei Sichos 19:509]

[42] Igros Kodesh 5:283; 6:83; 7:154

[43] Likkutei Sichos 19:509; Igros Kodesh 5:283; 11:115; 13:123; 14:383

Marrying the granddaughter of a Kohen: On one exceptional occasion, the Rebbe directed one who married the granddaughter of a Kohen to be an expert in one Tractate. This was a personal directive, and is not a directive for the public. [Rishumo Shel Shana 5744, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:249]

[44] Likkutei Sichos 19:509; Igros Kodesh 6:83; 14:383; Mikadesh Yisrael p. 215, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:249

What is Miseches Kallah and where is it found? Miseches Kallah is part of a number of very small Tractates that are laws without commentary, and do not have on them the commentary of the Talmud. These Misechtos are found in the end of Seder Nezikin, after Tractate Horiyos. This Tractate contains one chapter, and should not be confused with Tractate Kallah Rabasi which is a later work.

[45] Igros Kodesh 13:123; 14:383; In one reply, the Rebbe directed the Chasan to learn the Tractate 40 times. [Mikadesh Yisrael p. 215, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:249]

[46] Igros Kodesh 6:83; See also Shemuos Vesippurim for a similar directive of the Rebbe Rashab to Harav Morozov, who married the daughter of a Kohen, that “This matter is not to be taken lightly, and he is to be an expert in Seder Kedoshim.”

[47] Igros Kodesh 5:283

[48] Peri Hasadeh 3:105; Shulchan Haezer 2:94; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 167:5

[49] Brachos 8b and Rashi there; Kaf Hachaim 116:95

[50] See Nitei Gavriel Shidduchin 15

[51] Sefer Chassidim 477; Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 25; Kaf Hachaim 116:130; Yifei Laleiv 3 Y.D. 240:44 that one should not marry his niece even if his parents instruct him to do so; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 175

Other opinions: Some Poskim are lenient in this matter and hold there is no need to suspect for this Tzavaah as it was intended only for the descendants of Rav Yehuda Hachassid. [Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 175:2]

[51] Opinion in Rama E.H. 2:6

[52] Sanhedrin 76b; Yevamos 62b

[53] Rama E.H. 2:6; 15:25

[54] Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79; Shemiras Hanefesh 88; Shemira Meialya 53; Kaf Hachaim 116:130

[55] Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 25

[56] Opinion in Rama E.H. 2:6

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that there is no Mitzvah at all for one to marry his brother’s daughter. [Rivan; Tosafus Yisheinim Yevamos 62b; Teshuvas Rav Sherira Gaon]

[57] Chaim Veshalom 2:13

[58] Yifei Laleiv 3 Y.D. 240:44

[59] Minchas Elazar 3:13; See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 175:4

[60] Sefer Chassidim 477; Tzavah Reb Yehuda Hachassid 27; Kaf Hachaim 116:133; Apei Zutri 2:6; Yifei Laleiv 3 Y.D. 240:44 that one should not marry his niece even if his parents instruct him to do so; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 174:1-4; 175:1

Other opinions: Some Poskim are lenient in this matter and hold there is no need to suspect for this Tzavaah as it was intended only for the descendants of Rav Yehuda Hachassid. [Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79; Chaim Veshalom 2:13 regarding a case of a Mitzvah; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 174:2; 175:2]

[61] Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 25

[62] See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 175:5

[63] Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13; Sisrei Umagini 46

[64] Yashiv Moshe

[65] Sefer Chassidim 477; Tzavah Reb Yehuda Hachassid 27; Kaf Hachaim 116:133; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 174

Other opinions: Some Poskim are lenient in this matter and hold there is no need to suspect for this Tzavaah. [Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79; Chaim Veshalom 2:13 regarding a case of a Mitzvah; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 174:2]

[66] Zichron Yehuda 158; Shulchan Haezer 1:10-13; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 174:4  

[67] Chaim Veshalom 2:13

[68] Sefer Chassidim 477; Tzavah Reb Yehuda Hachassid 25; Kaf Hachaim Y.D. 116:123; Shivim Temarim on Tzavah ibid; Tzemach Tzedek Piskeiy Dinim Y.D. 116; Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:15; Zichron Yehuda 196 and Tinyana 149; Minchas Elazar 3:13; Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1044; Igros Kodesh 3:182; 195; 6:190; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 172:1-2

Other opinions: Some Poskim are lenient in this matter and hold there is no need to suspect for this Tzavaah. [Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79; Zivcheiy Tzedek 116:80 that many have married successfully; Shem Aryeh E.H. 65; Melamed Lehoil E.H. 19; Yabia Omer 4 E.H. 10; Tzitz Eliezer 7:49; 11:11; Chelkas Yaakov 1:127; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 172:5 footnote 5]

[69] Ruach Chaim ibid; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 172:3

[70] Bris Olam-Pirush Azulaiy on Sefer Chassidim ibid 2; Kaf Hachaim ibid

[71] Minchas Elazar 3:13

[72] Kneses Hagedola E.H. 62:4; Kaf Hachaim 116:123

[73] Brachos 44

[74] Bris Olam-Pirush Azulaiy on Sefer Chassidim ibid 2; Kaf Hachaim ibid

[75] Igros Kodesh 3:182; 6:190 [whoever is not Makpid, is not Makpid with him, although is best to live in two different cities if possible]; Maanah of Rebbe in Kefar Chabad 858; Igros Kodesh Rashab 2:923; The Rebbes father and uncle were married to two sisters based on a directive of the Rebbe Rashab, although were told not to live in the same city; See Shulchan Menachem 6:29; See Tzavah 38

[76] Likkutei Sichos 34:293; Shulchan Menachem 6:122

[77] Tzavaas Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 33; Kneses Hagedola E.H. 62:4; Kaf Hachaim 116:124; Shivim Temarim on this Tzavah; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 173:1-2

[78] Zivcheiy Tzedek 116:80; Tzemach Tzedek Piskeiy Dinim Y.D. 116 writes that he himself married his son off to his son-in laws sister; See Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79; Shem Aryeh E.H. 65; Melamed Lehoil E.H. 19; Yabia Omer 4 E.H. 10; Tzitz Eliezer 7:49; 11:11; Chelkas Yaakov 1:127; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 172:5 footnote 5

[79] Kaf Hachaim 116:124

[80] Piskei Dinim Y.D. 116

[81] Shivim Temarim ibid writes that the Tzemach Tzedek was punished for being lenient in this

[82] Igros Kodesh 8:31; See Shulchan Menachem 6:29; See Tzavah 38

[83] Sefer Chassidim 31-32; Kaf Hachaim 116:133

[84] Kaf Hachaim 116:132; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 176

[85] Sefer Chassidim 477; Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachasid 26

Other opinions: Some Poskim are lenient in this matter and hold there is no need to suspect for this Tzavaah as it was intended only for the descendants of Rav Yehuda Hachassid. [Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79; Mili Dechassidusa 31; Beis Shearim Y.D. 196; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 176:1]

[86] Implication of Sefer Chassidim ibid; Shivim Temarim 30; Ruach Chaim 62:13; Chaim Veshalom 2 E.H. 32; Kaf Hachaim ibid; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 176:3 and footnote 1

[87] Kneses Hagedola E.H. 62:5; Shemiras Hanefesh 90; See Moed Katan 23a; Yerushalmi Yevamos 4:11

[88] Shivim Temarim 30; Shemira Meialya 55; Beis Shearim Y.D. 197 [regarding if he has small children]; Kaf Hachaim ibid; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 176:2-4

[89] Chaim Veshalom 2 E.H. 32; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 176:5

[90] Mili Dechassidusa 34; Shivim Temarim on Tzavah ibid; Pnei Chaim E.H. 5; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 178:2

[91] Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 29; Sefer Chassidim 477; 379; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 178

[92] See Michaber E.H. 15:11 and 23; Yevamos 21a; Bach  E.H. 15; See however Sotah 43b, Yerushalmi Yevamos 21a

[93] Mili Dechassidusa 34; Shivim Temarim on Tzavah ibid; Pnei Chaim E.H. 5; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 178:2

[94] Mili Dechassidusa 34

[95] See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169; Nitei Gavriel Shidduchin 13-19; Shulchan Menachem 6:133-141

[96] Tzavaas Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 26, 27 [23 in Mahadura Shivim Temarim]; Mishnas Chassidim Miseches Chasuna 1:8; Pischeiy Teshuvah Y.D. 116:6; E.H. 2:7; 50:14; Chochmas Adam 123:13; Tzemach Tzedek E.H. 143 and Piskeiy Dinim  Y.D. 116 that the Alter Rebbe was very stringent with this Tzavah; Kitzur SHU”A 145:8; Yosef Ometz 37:3; Zechor Leavraham 3:190; Heishiv Moshe 69; Avnei Tzedek E.H. 4; Yifei Laleiv 4 E.H. 62:11; Peri Sadeh 1:69; Divrei Chaim E.H. 8; Shemiras Hanefesh 86; Kaf Hachaim Y.D. 116:125; Imreiy Yaakov 10 Likkutim 8; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:1-21 footnote 1 in name of many Poskim; All Poskim in coming footnotes who discuss details of this Tzavah and how to circumvent it; Rebbe in: Igros Kodesh 4:160; 349; 6:12; 8:239; 14:446; 15:127, 203, 520; 16:329-330; 17:276-277; 18:136; 19:295; 24:55, 295, 400; 25:86; 29:271; Likkutei Sichos 24:460; Yagdil Torah TT 22:6

[97] Tzavah ibid; See Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13; Zichron Yehuda Tinyana 149; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:8-9 footnote 8

The reason: The reason for this is because the wife will call her husband by the same name as her father. [Igros Kodesh 15:203]

[98] Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:16; Shivim Temarim 26:7; Heishiv Moshe 69; Shemira Meialya 50; Kaf Hachaim E.H. 116:127; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:14

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the warning only applies while the in laws are alive. [Lechem Shlomo E.H. 40; China Vechisda 2:225; Beis Yisrael 160; Even Harosha 31; Yifei Lalev 6:52]

[99] Regarding if one must protest against one who is lenient in this, see: Shivim Temarim Ayin 7; Yifei Laleiv 6:49; China Vechisda 2:226; Yabia Omer E.H. 2:7; Igros Moshe E.H. 4; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:21

[100] Yosef Ometz ibid; Zechor Leavraham ibid; Shemiras Hanefesh ibid; Kaf Hachaim ibid

[101] Chochmas Adam 123:13 based on Sefer Chassidim 477, and he concludes “and the world is mistaken regarding this [thinking that the issue is even with simply having one son or daughter-in-law with the same name]”; Pischeiy Teshuvah Y.D. 116:6; Chasam Sofer E.H. 1:116; Avnei Tzedek O.C. 28; E.H. 4, 12; Shem Aryeh 65; Yifei Laleiv 6; Mili Dechassidusa 26; Yad Shaul 240:4; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:4; Toras Chesed [Lublin] E.H. 29 that one may be lenient in this regarding a son-in-law and father in law who share the same named however not regarding a daughter and mother in law; See Igros Kodesh 24:400

[102] Tzemach Tzedek Piskei Dinim ibid; Shivim Temarim Tzavah 26-27; Devar Moshe 58 in name of Sar Shalom of Belz; Maharsham 1:136; 5:28; 6:145; Yifei Laleiv 6:48; Shemiras Hanefesh 86 and Shemira Meialya 50; Zichron Yehuda 2:149:256; Beis Shearim Y.D. 194; Shem Mishimon E.H. 6; Sdei Chemed; Mishnas Eliezer Tinyana 29; Kaf Hachaim Y.D. 116:125; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:5-6; Toras Chesed [Lublin] E.H. 29 that one may be lenient in this regarding a son-in-law and father in law who share the same named however not regarding a daughter and mother in-law

[103] Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 38; E.H. 116; Pischeiy Teshuvah E.H. 2:7; Shem Aryeh Y.D. 27; Maharsham 5:28; Levushei Mordechai Tinyana 92; Shemiras Hanefesh 86; Kaf Hachaim Y.D. 116:128; Yabia Omer E.H. 2:7; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:12; Igros Kodesh 4:160; 15:203

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even a Torah scholar must be particular in this matter. [Zichron Yehuda Tinyana 149; Maharitz 122]

^[104] Igros Kodesh 16:329; See Sdei Chemed Asifas Dinim Mareches Chasan Vekallah Os Hei; Yabia Omer 2 E.H. 7-12

[105] Chasam Sofer E.H. 1:116; Shem Aryeh; Igros Moshe E.H. 1:4; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:3 footnote 3

[106] Tzemach Tzedek E.H. 143 and Piskeiy Dinim  Y.D. 116 that the Alter Rebbe was very stringent with this Tzavah as its recorded in Mishnas Chassidim

[107] See Igros Kodesh 24:400

[108] Sefer Chassidim 477, as explained by all Poskim ibid in previous footnote and Devar Moshe 58; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:20

[109] Peri Hasadeh 69; Even Haroshe 31; See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:13; Nitei Gavriel ibid 14 footnote 12; See Igros Kodesh 15:127

[110] Sdei Chemed 10

[111] Arugas Habosem O.C. 218; Mishpatecha Leyaakov Y.D. 42; Hagahos Maharsham on Sefer Chassidim; Yabia Omer E.H. 2:7; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:15; See Igros Kodesh 24:400

[112] Devar Eliyahu 37; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:15

[113] Minchas Elazar 3:13

[114] Mili Deavos 3 E.H. 10; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:17 footnote 20 in length

[115] Shev Yaakov 23; Pischeiy Teshuvah E.H. 50:14; Imreiy Eish Y.D. 60; Maharsham 5:28; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:18

[116] Ruach Chaim  E.H. 62:13; Yad Shalom 46; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:18 footnote 22

[117] Peri Hasadeh 3:54; See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:19

[118] See Shulchan Haezer 1:14 footnote 3 in name of Levushei Mordechai E.H. 44; Avnei Tzedek E.H. 10; Maharsham 5:28; Igros Kodesh 17:277

[119] Tzavaas Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 24; See there that it is questionable whether this directive of Rebbe Yehuda was for everyone or only for his descendants, and hence we are only careful in this due to doubt [See Shivim Temarim Basra 28; Even Yikara Kama E.H. 15; Makor Chesed footnote 36]; See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:1-9; Igros Kodesh 18:136

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule there is no need to suspect of this warning. [Divrei Chaim E.H. 1:8; Chasam Sofer Igros Sofrim 2:25]

[120] Sdei Chemed Asifas Dinim Mareches Chasan Vekallah 10; Igros Kodesh 18:136

[121] China Vechisda 2:225; Shulchan Haezer; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:6

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the warning applies even in this case. [Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13]

[122] Shivim Temarim; China Vechisda 2:225; Even Yikara Kama E.H. 1:15; Beis Naftali 12; Ruach Chaim E.H. p. 34; Avnei Tzedek E.H. 6; Ginzei Yosef 26; See Poskim in Sdei Chemed Asifas Dinim Mareches Chasan Vekallah 10; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:9

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that the warning applies to both the mothers and father. [Sdei Chemed 10; Shulchan Haezer 1:14]

[123] Avnei Tzedek E.H. 6 and 10; Divrei Yoel 2:116; See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:3

[124] Shem Mishimon E.H. 6

[125] Beis Dovid 55; Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:7

[126] Shem Mishimon E.H. 6; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:8

[127] Avnei Chefetz 16; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 171:2

[128] China Vechisda 2:225; Ruach Chaim E.H. 42:16; Sdei Chemed 5; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 171:1

[129] See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:7-10 and footnote 7 in length and 179:4

[130] Ruling of Alter Rebbe, recorded in Igros Kodesh 15:520 and Yagdil Torah TT 22:6; Tzemach Tzedek Even Haezer 1:143 “There is no worry in the world at all, at all”; Piskei Dinim Y.D. 116; Beis Shearim Y.D. 196; Maharam Bris 1:129; Levushei Mordechai E.H, 44; Kerem Shlomo E.H. 2; Pischeiy Teshuvah E.H. 2:7; Chasam Sofer; Chasan Sofer; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 1:28; Minchas Yitzchak 7:109; Kaf Hachaim Y.D. 116:126; Mishmeres Shalom 116:16 in name of Rashak; Reb Sar Shalom of Belz; Shem Aryeh; Netza Shashuim; Heishiv Moshe; Shemira Meialya 50; Igros Kodesh 4:160; 349; 6:12; 8:239; 14:446; 15:127; 520; 16:329-330; 17:276; 18:136; 19:295; 24:55; 295; 400; 25:86; 29:271; Likkutei Sichos 24:460; Yagdil Torah Choveres 22:6; Imreiy Yaakov 10 Likkutim 8; See Darkei Teshuvah Y.D. 116:56

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even in the event that one of them have a second name, this alone does not suffice, and that person must from now on be called only by that second name in order to negate the worry. [Devar Moshe 58 in name of Sar Shalom of Belz; brought in Shemira Meialya 50 and Kaf Hachaim 116:126] Accordingly, some Poskim rule that today the change of a name no longer suffices as people do not call the person by the new name. [Igros Moshe E.H. 4]

[131] Shemira Meialya 50; Kaf Hachaim 116:125; Likkutei Sichos 24:460

[132] Igros Kodesh 19:295; Beis Hillel 75; See Shivim Temarim p. 73; Nitei Gavriel 18:4 footnote 8; Regarding when we say that a name becomes null and void: See Michaber E.H. 129; Sheimos Gittin 128

[133] Shulchan Haezer p. 16; Igros Kodesh 16:330; 18:136; 24:55; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 170:5

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it does not help to add a second name to one of the Mechutanim. [Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13]

[134] Igros Kodesh 18:136

[135] Poskim ibid; Tzemach Tzedek Piskei Dinim Y.D. 116 in name of Admur; Maharsham; Zichron Yehuda Tinyana 75; Likkutei Sichos 24:460; Igros Kodesh 24:55; Yagdil Torah Choveres 22:6; However, see Ruach Chaim E.H. 62:13 that a change of name only helps Bedieved if married; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 169:9-10

[136] Igros Kodesh 15:127

[137] Igros Kodesh 16:330; 17:276 [Three Rabbanim are to Pasken to add a name]; 24:55; 295 [Rav of one’s Shul]; See the following Poskim regarding consulting three Rabbanim: Shulchan Haezer 1:14 footnote 3 in name of Levushei Mordechai E.H. 44; Avnei Tzedek E.H. 10; Maharsham 5:28

[138] Shulchan Menachem 6:139

[139] Igros Kodesh 16:329-330; 24:55

[140] Letter printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:135; Mikadeish Yisrael p. 148 that on one occasion the Rebbe instructed for the name to be called by three Mi Shebeirachs on Shabbos before the Tananim

^[141] Igros Kodesh 16:329; 17:276; 25:86; Likkutei Sichos 24:460 [Before engagement. No mention of 30 days]; Ohel Avraham 67; Shulchan Haezer 1:15; Levushei Mordechai O.C. 2:105; See Minchas Yitzchak ibid and Igros Moshe ibid; See Bava Kama 107b; Rama E.H. 120:3; Michaber C.M. 49:3; Mabit 2:52

[142] Igros Kodesh 19:295; Beis Hillel 75; See Shivim Temarim p. 73; Nitei Gavriel 18:4 footnote 8; Regarding when we say that a name becomes null and void: See Michaber E.H. 129; Sheimos Gittin 128

[143] Likkutei Sichos 24:460; Igros Kodesh 4:160; 17:277; 29:271; Shulchan Menachem 6:139

[144] Igros Kodesh 17:276

[145] Devar Moshe 58 in name of Sar Shalom of Belz; brought in Shemira Meialya 50 and Kaf Hachaim 116:126; Igros Kodesh Rashab 2:923

[146] Rebbe Rashab ibid

[147] See Igros Kodesh 6:12 that the Rebbe answered the person that there are no rules in this, and that he has not heard any directives in this, and hence one can do as he has done until now, [which was not to be particular to call the two people by different names and suffice with having the two names used for Aliyosand signing]; 16:330; 18:136; 19:295; 24:55 where such instructions are not recorded, and that simply have two names suffices.

[148] See Igros Kodesh 14:446 that even when there is an added name, one is to beware to call them differently, such as by calling the person with the added name together with that name. However, perhaps this is limited to the case there which was discussing a family who had many negative occurrences happen to them, and hence the Rebbe was more stringent.

[149] Shulchan Menachem 6:139

[150] Igros Kodesh 29:271

[151] Igros Kodesh 8:239

[152] Azharos Nosafos Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 1; Chochmas Hanefesh of Rokeiach p. 22b; Shemiras Hanefesh in Shemira Meialya in name of Chochmas Adam; Kaf Hachaim 116:133; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 177

[153] See Shulchan Haezer 1:12 [leaves in question]; Mishneh Halachos 7:248 [applies to both]; Az Nidbaru 6:61 [applies only to widow]

[154] Minchas Yitzchak 9:137; Mishneh Halachos 7:248

[155] Noda Beyehuda Tinyana E.H. 79, based on Pesachim 109a that an added name is only for positivity and not for detriment; Shemiras Hanefesh 88; Kaf Hachaim 116:129

[156] See Michaber E.H. 129 that a nickname or English name is considered a real name and must be written in the Get. See also Igros Kodesh 4:349 and Shulchan Menachem 6:140 that if he uses the similar name only for an Aliya and the like, then it falls under the allowance of the Tzemach Tzedek; See also Igros Kodesh Rayatz 10:148 that the main issue is only if they are both called by the same name; See Yagdil Torah N.Y. 25:167

[157] See in length: Shulchan Menachem 6:124-127; Nitei Gavriel Chapter 9; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 158:2 footnote 2

[158] Shach 244:13 in name of Bach 244, in explanation of Bava Basra 120a and Michaber 244:18; Rashbam Baba Basra 120a regarding Bnos Tzelafchad; Tosafus Kiddushin 52a; Maharit Kiddushin ibid; Harashdam C.M. 318; Maharsham 3:136; Maharash 6:2; Revid Hazahav Parshas Masei; Chavalim Benimin 3:78; Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1043; Numerous letters of Rebbe brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:122-127

[159] Shach 244:13 in name of Bach 244, in explanation of Bava Basra 120a and Michaber 244:18; Igros Kodesh 15:182 [brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:122]

The reason: This is in order not to offend or cause pain to the older sibling.

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted for a younger son to precede an older son in marriage.

[160] Igros Kodesh 11:241 and 19:46 regarding younger daughter before older brother, and Igros Kodesh 6:105 regarding younger brother before older daughter, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:126

[161] Shach ibid in name of Bach; Rashbam ibid based on Bnos Tzelafchad who were first listed in order of wisdom and then listed by marriage in order of age

[162] Maharsham ibid, based on Rashbam ibid who learned from Bnos Tzelafchad

[163] Igros Moshe E.H. 2:1

[164] See letters of Rebbe ibid from which it is clear that this applies in all cases, and so is the simple understanding of all the Poskim ibid, unlike the novelty of the Igros Moshe.

[165] Igros Kodesh 7:269, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:123, that our Nessim were careful in this matter

[166] Igros Kodesh 7:269, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:123; However see Maharit ibid that there is no prohibition for a younger daughter to get engaged before an older one.

[167] See Igros Kodesh 17:292, brought in Shulchan Menachem 6:123, that one is to wait until the older sibling gets engaged; However see Darkei Chaim Veshalom ibid who says there is no problem in marrying the younger sibling even if they did not ask for forgiveness.

[168] Maharsham ibid; Harei Bashamayim Tinyana 84; See Maharit ibid that it is merely a manner of “Kavod”

[169] See Igros Kodesh 7:269 from where it is evident that one is not to precede the younger daughter if he can precede the older ones, and there is no time of need involved

[170] Shulchan Haezer 1-11; Avnei Cheifetz 25; Igros Kodesh 4:197, printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:124-127

[171] Igros Kodesh 15:326, printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:125

[172] Igros Kodesh 4:197; 15:182 and 326 “Mechila Gemura” [printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:122-127]

[173] Igros Kodesh 4:197, printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:125

[174] Igros Kodesh 4:197, printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:124

[175] Maharsham ibid

[176] The reason: As the above matter was only stated in a normal circumstance, while in a time of need such as the case above, the prohibition does not apply. [ibid]

[177] Likkutei Shoshanim 72; Shemiras Hanefesh 100; Shulchan Chaiy 92; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 157:1

[178] Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 157:2

[179] Shaarei Rachamim p. 11; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 157:2 footnote 3

[180] Darkei Moshe E.H. 50:3; Taz Y.D. 236:13; Beis Shmuel E.H. 51:9

[181] Rama E.H. 2:1; Shemiras Hanefesh 85; Kaf Hachaim 116:109; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 163:2

[182] See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 158-160; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 1:48; Shulchan Menachem 6:37

[183] Igros Kodesh 17:237; 18:207; Nitei Gavriel Nissuin 1:47

[184] Rama E.H. 64:3; Michaber Y.D. 179:2

[185] Lev Chaim 2:26; Binyan Tziyon 141; Devar Eliyahu 16

After the Molad: Some Poskim rule that the wedding may take place immediately after the Molad even before the start of Rosh Chodesh. [Levushei Mordechai E.H. 2:52]

Before the Molad: Some Poskim rule that the wedding may take place immediately after the start of Rosh Chodesh even before the Molad. [Sdei Chemed] Other Poskim, however, are stringent. [Neharei Afarsemon Kama 23; Tinyana 48]

[186] Poskim ibid; See however Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 160:6 for other opinions wo allow until the 18^th or even until the 22^nd [i.e. Nidrei Zerizin 49; Shaar Yissachar Mamar Yereichim 2; Shulchan Haezer 1:4; Darkei Chaim Veshalom 1047]

[187] Yehuda Yaaleh 2:24; Aruch Hashulchan E.H. 64:13; See Shulchan Menachem ibid

[188] Yehuda Yaaleh 2:24; Naharei Afarsemon Tinyana 48

[189] Maaseh Avraham E.H. 5

[190] Teshuvah Meahavah 3 Y.D. 355; Kitzur SHU”A 166:3; Nachal Eshkol ; Devar Moshe 59; Kerem Shlomo E.H. 64; Hisorerus Teshuvah 1:159; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 160:5

[191] Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 160:9

[192] Darkei Teshuvah 179:8 in name of Bnei Yisaschar; Igros Kodesh 20:304; 22:313; 24:376 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:157]; Sefer Haminhagim p. 76; Tirosh Veyitzhar 111; Shulchan Haezer 4:8; Sdei Chemed Mareches Chasan Vekallah 23

[193] However, see Igros Kodesh 16:202; 24:376

[194] Aruch Hashulchan 64:13

[195] Igros Kodesh 5:52; 19:145; Sefer Haminhagim p. 76

[196] Aruch Hashulchan 64:13; Igros Kodesh 18:16; Sefer Haminhagim p. 76

[197] Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 159:3

[198] Lev Chaim 2:26; Igros Kodesh 17:277

[199] Sdei Chemed Chasan Vekallah 23; Shulchan Haezer 1:86; Betzel Hachochmah 2:60

[200] Igros Kodesh 5:52; 19:145

[201] Admur 493:1; Michaber 493:1; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 160:1

[202] One who does not have any children, or is single with children: In these countries, the custom is to not marry even if one has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of having children or does not have anyone to attend to his needs. Nevertheless, from the letter of the law, one who does not have children, or has children but has no one to attend to his needs, is allowed to marry during these days. This is derived from the fact that even during mourning for one’s parents, in which it is a decree of the Sages not to marry, nevertheless, in the above-mentioned situations, he may do so. Thus, certainly during Sefira, which is only a custom of mourning, it is allowed. Nevertheless, as stated above, the custom in these countries is to be stringent even in such a case. [Admur 493:3; Peri Chadash 493:1; Bach 493; Chok Yaakov 493:1]

[203] Shvus Yaakov 2:35

The danger: A Rav once allowed a certain couple to marry during Sefira and their marriage was unsuccessful. One is thus to be stringent against marrying even in cases of need as danger is more severe than Issur. [ibid]

[204] Michaber 551:2 and Yevamos 43b regarding from Rosh Chodesh Av; Rama ibid that custom is to be stringent from 17^th of Tammuz and so rules: Kneses Hagedola 551:5; Yifei Laleiv 5:3; Ben Ish Chaiy Devarim 4; M”B 551:15; See Kaf Hachaim 551:44; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 158:2

Ruling of Michaber and Sephardim: The Michaber 551:2 rules that the wedding prohibition only begins on Rosh Chodesh Menachem Av. Nevertheless, some Poskim rule the Sephardic custom is not to marry during the three weeks. [Kneses Hagedola 551:5; Yifei Laleiv 5:3; Ben Ish Chaiy Devarim 4; Kaf Hachaim 551:44] Other Poskim rule Sephardim may marry until Rosh Chodesh Av. [Yabia Omer 6:43; Yechaveh Daas 1:36; Chazon Ovadia Bein Hametzarim p. 140]

[205] The reason: As getting married brings extreme joy. [M”A 551:9] In addition, getting married at this time is a bad omen. [Siddur Yaavetz; Moed Lekol Chaiy 9:26; Yifei Laleiv 2:4; Chayeh Adam 133:11; Kaf Hachaim 551:33; 43]

[206] Shvus Yaakov 2:35; Shulchan Gavoa 551:9; Chayeh Adam 133:11; Derech Hachaim 1; M”B 551:18; Kaf Hachaim 551:33 and 42; So rule regarding Sefira: Admur 493:3; Peri Chadash 493:1; Bach 493; Chok Yaakov 493:1

Ruling of Admur and Poskim ibid regarding Sefira: In these countries the custom is to not marry even if one has not yet fulfilled the Mitzvah of having children or does not have anyone to attend to his needs. Nevertheless, from the letter of the law, one who does not have children, or has children but has no one to attend to his needs, is allowed to marry during these days. This is derived from the fact that even during mourning for one’s parents in which it is a decree of the Sages not to marry, nevertheless if one is in the above-mentioned situation he may do so. Thus, certainly during Sefira which is only a custom of mourning it is allowed. Nevertheless, as stated above, the custom in these countries is to be stringent even in such a case. [Admur 493:3 regarding Sefira; Peri Chadash 493:1; Bach 493; Chok Yaakov 493:1; Shvus Yaakov 2:35; Chayeh Adam 133:11; Kaf Hachaim 551:33]

[207] M”A 551:9; Levush; Kaf Hachaim 551:34

[208] See Michaber and Rama ibid

[209] Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 160:10

[210] Mateh Efraim 602:5; Chochmas Shlomo 602; Kitzur SHU”A Igros Kodesh Vol 9 p. 205; Piskeiy Teshuvos 602:3

The reason: The reason for this is because a) The moon is considered concealed until after Yom Kippur, and when the moon is concealed, one is to avoid getting married. B) When married all one’s sins are forgiven. It is not proper to precede G-ds forgiveness on Yom Kippur with a personal loophole in which he gets forgiveness. [Chochmas Shlomo ibid]

Other opinions: Some communities however have never accepted this custom, and thus make weddings during these days. [Yechaveh Daas 1:48]

[211] Alef Hamagen 602:5

[212] M”E ibid

[213] See Rama E.H. 62:2; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 179:1-5

[214] Rama E.H. 62:2; Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 30; M”B 546:1; Igros Kodesh 8:154; Sefer Haminhagim p. 76; Shulchan Menachem 6:161

A widow: Some Poskim rule that a widow may marry off two of her daughters on the same day. [Machaneh Chaim E.H. 3:33] Other Poskim, rule that even a widow is not to do so. [Shem Mishimon E.H. 6] See Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 179:3

[215] Shulchan Haezer 8 p. 65; Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 179:4

[216] Neharei Afarsemon E.H. 1; Yad Sofer 37B; See Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 179:2

[217] Zichron Yehuda 2:191

[218] Rama ibid; M”B 546:1; Aruch Hashulchan 62:16

[219] Opinion in Rama ibid; Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 31; Sefer Chassidim 477; Taz 546:1; See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 179 footnote 1 in length

[220] Rama ibid

[221] Tiferes Yaakov 62:3; Shulchan Haezer 8 p. 65; Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 179:5

[222] See Rama E.H. 62:2; M”B 546:1 and Shaar Hatziyon 546:3 in name of Rashal; Yosef Ometz 2

[223] Tzavah Rebbe Yehuda Hachassid 31; Taz 546:1

[224] Igros Kodesh 8:154; Sefer Haminhagim p. 76; Shulchan Menachem 6:161

[225] See Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 161; Shulchan Menachem 6:46

[226] Tzavah Rav Yehuda Hachassid 32; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 162

[227] Admur 339:8; Michaber 339:5; Rama Y.D. 197:2; M”A 339:11 in name of Maharil; Taz Y.D. 97:6; Ran Beitza 20a in name of Yerushalmi Yuma 1:1; Kesubos 1:5; M”B 339:32; Kaf Hachaim 280:8; Piskeiy Teshuvos 280:6; 339:12 and footnote 118 for all full background on all the opinions; See Michaber Even Haezer 55:1-2 and 64:5

Background: There are two stages of acquisition that take place in each marriage. The first is called “Kiddushin” while the second “Nesuin.” Kiddushin formally consecrates the marriage, bonding the wife to the husband to the point that she is now forbidden to be with any other man. Nevertheless, she is still not considered the husbands fully fledged wife regarding certain marriage rights which she receives and gives in a marriage. Nessuin finalizes the matrimony, making the marriage effective in all its legal bounds of rights for each partner. Regarding what constitutes Nessuin there is a differentiation between a widow and a non-widow. For a non-widow Chuppah alone constitutes Nessuin. However, by a widow, Chuppah alone does not constitute Nessuin. [Michaber Even Haezer 64:5] Regarding the definition of Chuppah there is a dispute. Some define Chuppah to mean the wedding canopy, while others define Chuppah as Yichud. [see Even Haezer 55:1-2] This leads to two opinions regarding what constitutes Nessuin by a non-widow and what constitutes Nessuin by a widow.

Non-widow: According to one opinion the wedding canopy constitutes Nessuin, while according to another opinion it is only Yichud which is fit for marital relations which constitutes Nessuin.

Widow: According to the latter opinion only marital relations constitutes Nessuin for a widow, while according to the former opinion even a private audience which is fit for marital relations, called Yichud, constitutes Nessuin. This dispute is based on the previous argument regarding the proper definition of “Chuppah”. Those who define Chuppah to mean the wedding canopy claim that for a widow in which Chuppah is invalid, Yichud is valid. However, those who define Chuppah as Yichud claim that for a widow in which Chuppah is invalid, only marital relations is valid.

The above dispute leads to a dispute in regard to if one may have a private audience or marital relations for the first time with one’s wife on Shabbos or Yom Tov. As according to all, one may not do Nessuin on Shabbos or Yom Tov due to that it makes an acquisition.

The Final Ruling: Admur rules that one is to be stringent like all opinions as will be explained below in the relevant scenarios.

[228] Levush 339:5; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid

[229] Sefer Hamakneh E.H. 55; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; See Otzer Haposkim 55:121

[230] The reason: As by doing the marital relations one acquires her for Nessuin and it is forbidden to make acquisitions on Shabbos. If not even a proper private audience was done before Shabbos it is forbidden according to all to have marital relations, while if proper Yichud was done it is disputed if marital relations is allowed. [Admur ibid] Alternatively, the reason for this by a widow is due to danger of death. [M”A 339:11 in name of Maharil; Kaf Hachaim ibid]

[231] This means a private audience which was opportune for marital relations. Meaning there was no one else around at all.

[232] Admur ibid; M”A ibid in name of Maharil [that it is forbidden even if married on Thursday]; Taz ibid [be stringent since there are Gedolim who prohibit it]; Maharil Hilchos Shabbos 18 p.210 in name of Maharash; Mordechai Beitza Remez 698 in name of Maharam of Rothenberg; Maharam Merothenberg 151

The reason: This is in order to suspect for the second opinion mentioned above who rules only marital relations constitutes Nessuin for a widow. If not even a proper private audience was done before Shabbos it is forbidden according to all to have marital relations, while if proper Yichud was done it is disputed if marital relations is allowed.

Other Opinions: Some Poskim rule that if a proper Yichud was done before Shabbos, they may have relations for the first time at night. [Masas Binyamin 90, brought in Taz ibid; M”A ibid in name of Chelkas Mechokeik even if an improper Yichud was done, and in name of many other Poskim that Yichud which is fit for Biyah suffices; Chochmas Adam 129:13; Kitzur SHU”A 148:4; Maharsham 3:333; Mishneh Berurah 339:32; Kaf Hachaim 280:8; Yabia Omer E.H. 5:9; See Poskim in Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid footnote 118 in 3rd option]

[233] M”A 339:11 in name of Maharil Hilchos Shabbos p. 211; Bach 339; Kneses Hagedola 339:6; Tosefes Shabbos 339:14; Kaf Hachaim O.C. 339:62; Y.D. 116:169; Omitted in Admur ibid; See Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 168:1

[234] Admur ibid [Such as if they had a Chuppahs Nida and have never yet been together in private without Shomrim due to the prohibition of Yichud. This Yichud is not considered a Yichud which is fit for marital relations and hence does not constitute Nessuin even according to the lenient opinion mentioned above]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that even if a complete Yichud did not take place, and she was alone with the Chasan with two Shomrim, then they may have relations on Shabbos. [Chelkas Mechokeik E.H. 64, brought and negated in M”A ibid; Rivash 135; Shvus Yaakov 1:67; See Pischeiy Teshuvah E.H. 55::5 and 64:8; See Poskim in Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid footnote 118 in 2nd option]

[235] Admur ibid; Rama ibid; M”A ibid; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid

The reason: As since she may not have marital relations the allowance of being able to immerse is revoked.

[236] Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 168:2

[237] Maharil Hilchos Shabbos p. 211 [omitted from M”A 339:11]; Daas Torah 339:5; Maharsham 2:141; 3:339; Tuv Taam Vedaas Telisia 263; Chelkas Yaakov 3:19; Minchas Yitzchak 4:85; 6:149

[238] Chelkas Yaakov 3:19; Minchas Yitzchak 6:149

[239] Taharas Yisrael 192:41; Minchas Yitzchak 4:85

[240] Tziporen Shamir 186; Kaf Hachaim 116:107; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 158:1

[241] Likkutei Sichos 1:52 that so is a directive from the Rebbe Rayatz; brought in Eternal Joy 2 p.139

[242] The Rebbe Rayatz did not state an exact amount of days that is required for Shemira before the wedding. The previous Rebbe simply stated “several” days. [Likkutei Sichos ibid] Practically many are accustomed to follow this practice one week before the wedding. Others the Shabbos before the wedding and others from when they arrive in the city the wedding is taking place.

[243] The reason: The reason for this is because the time before the wedding Mazikim try to interfere with the couple. Having a guard prevents Mazikim from harming the Chasan or Kallah. This is not like the Shemira required after the wedding which is due to respect of the Chasan. [See Likkutei Sichos ibid] However see Elya Raba 669 and Bikurei Yaakov 669:3 that a Chasan is considered a king for a week before the wedding.

[244] Rav Shmuel Levitin as he received from the Rebbe, recorded in Koveitz Chasuna p. 41

[245] The reason: As the reason behind this Shemira is due to Mazikin and not due to being similar to a king

[246] Aruch Hashulchan 64:3 regarding after the wedding due to the reason of Mazikin, and the same should apply before the wedding

[247] Diary of Rav Groner “The Rebbe Rayatz told the Rebbe not to be alone in a room without a Shomer, and not to pass from room to room without a Shomer”.

[248] Heard from Rav Yehuda Leib Groner

[249] Rama 64:1; M”A 239:7; M”B 239:9; Brachos 54b “A Chasan and Kallah need Shemira”; Ran Kesubos; Pirkei Derebbe Eliezer 12; Sefer Haminhagim p. 177 [English]; Sefer Shemiras Haguf Vihanefesh [Lerner] 180

[250] Brachos ibid; Aruch Hashulchan 64:3; Yifei Lalev 4:64-5; Sefer Haminhagim p. 177 [English]

[251] Aruch Hashulchan ibid; See Beis Shmuel 64:2 in name of Perisha 64:2 that this includes a Shul; Seemingly, the avoidance of a marketplace fits the reason of the Chasan being a King, as Mazikin are not found there, while other areas where people are not found, fits the reason of Mazikin.

[252] Aruch Hashulchan ibid; Seemingly the Mazikin is the reason behind not going alone at night and being like a king is the reason not to go alone by day.

[253] The reason: As a Chasan is similar to a king who needs an escort in public. [Chelkas Michokek 64:2; Ran ibid; Pirkei Derebbe Eliezer 16; Aruch Hashulchan ibid] Alternatively, as a Chasan and Kallah need protection from Mazikin and hence cannot go out alone. [Brachos ibid] As the Satan persecutes during times of danger and happiness. [Talmidei Rabbeinu Yona Brachos ibid] Hashem made ten Chuppas for Adam Harishon in Gan Eden and the angels danced and cheered by the wedding. The angels guarded Adam and Chava, as it says in Tehillim Ki Malachav Yitzaveh Lach Lishmarcha Bechol Derachecha, and Derachecha refers to Chasanim. [Pirkei Derebbe Eliezer ibid] There was once a Chasan who walked outside alone and he was killed, being snatched by the Malach Hamaves. [Eirusin Unissuin of Rishonim p. 127, brought in Nitei Gavriel 56 footnote 1]

[254] Beis Shmuel 64:2 in name of Perisha 64:2; See Perisha ibid that some were accustomed not to leave to Shul even with an escort, although this is a Minhag Shtus; See Nitei Gavriel 56 footnote 9 and 56:8 footnote 13 that the Chasan and Kallah should only go out when necessary, even with an escort.

[255] Beis Shmuel 64:2 in name of Perisha 64:2; Machzor Vitri 477

Custom of Sephardim: The Sephardi Chasanim walk to Shul alone during the day without a Shomer. [Nitei Gavriel 56:1]

[256] So is clearly implied from Perisha and Beis Shmuel ibid, however see Halichos Shlomo 5:7 in name of Rav SZ”A that if he is found in an area that many people are in the streets, he may walk to shul alone.

[257] Nitei Gavriel 56:6

[258] Sefer Haminhagim p. 177 [English], based on a directive of the Rebbe Rayatz that a king must go out with an entourage.

[259] The reason: As the reason behind this Shemira is not only due to Mazikin but also due to being similar to a king, and hence they need a Shomer who is not a king to escort them

[260] Aruch Hashulchan 64:3; Hagahos Yaavetz Brachos 54b

[261] Nitei Gavriel 52:7 in name of Migdal Oz

[262] Chelkas Mechokek 64:2

[263] The reason: Her Mechila does not help as he is similar to a king who needs escorts. [Chelkas Mechokek ibid] Alternatively, it is forbidden due to Mazikin. [Brachos ibid]

[264] Mishnas Yehoshua 25:14

[265] Mishnas Yehoshua 25:14

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