Acts of service-Feeding, dressing, and doing other forms of service for one’s parents:[1]
What is considered honor of one’s parent? One is to feed his parents food, and give them to drink, and is to dress them and help them enter and leave [i.e. walk].[2] Likewise, one is to perform all other forms of service for his parents, as a servant serves his master.[3] [Some write that this is the main intent of the command of honoring one’s parents.[4] However, others write that the main intent of the command of honoring one’s parents is to honor them in one’s speech, and it is just that these matters are also included within the command.[5] This obligation of service only applies if the parent asks or hints from their child to do so, or if the son knows that the parent is in need of this service. However, so long as it is not known that the parent is in need of a certain service, the child is not obligated to provide it on his own initiative. Nonetheless, if he chooses to do so, and certainly if he inquires as to whether the parent desires it, then he fulfills the biblical mitzvah of honoring his parents even though he was not obligated to do so.[6]]
The matters included in the obligation to feed one’s parent
A. Going shopping and preparing food for one’s parent:
Included in the mitzvah to honor one’s parents through feeding them is going shopping for food for one’s parents[7], as well as preparing them food to eat[8], such as breakfast, lunch, or dinner. When going shopping for a parent the child is not required to use his own money and may request from his parent to pay the bill. [Thus, if one’s parent asks his son or daughter to help them make a food purchase online or go to the store to buy food for the house, he is obligated to do so, although is not required to use his credit card to pay for it.]
B. Mouth feeding an old or sick parent:[9]
If one’s parent is not able to eat on his own, such as due to age, or illness or injury, then included in the above mitzvah is to physically mouth feed one’s parent.
C. Buying them food and drink if they can’t afford:[10]
If one’s parent cannot afford to buy food and drinks for themselves, then the child is obligated to purchase it for them. See Halacha 14 for the full details of this matter!
The matters included in the obligation to dress one’s parent
D. Going shopping and preparing clothing for one’s parent:[11]
Included in the mitzvah to honor one’s parents through dressing them is going shopping for clothing for one’s parents, as well as preparing them clothing to wear. When going shopping for a parent the child is not required to use his own money, and may request from his parent to pay the bill. [Thus, if one’s parent asks his son or daughter to help them make a clothing purchase online or go to the store to buy clothing for them, he is obligated to do so, although is not required to use his credit card to pay for it.]
E. Physically dressing one’s old or sick parent:
If one’s parent is not able to get dressed on his own, such as due to age, or illness or injury, then included in the above mitzvah is to physically dress one’s parent. One is to dress in accordance with the climate and if it is cold then he is to make sure that they are dressed warmly.[12]
F. Buying them clothing if they can’t afford:[13]
If one’s parents cannot afford to buy clothing for themselves, then the child is obligated to purchase it for them. The clothing must be of a quality and elegance that is befitting for the parent. See Halacha 14 for the full details of this matter!
G. Placing them in a comfortable bed:[14]
If a parent is old or sick and has difficulty getting into bed, the child is obligated to help them into their bed. He lost to make sure that they have proper bedding which is both comfortable and warm.
The matters included in the obligation to help one’s parent “enter and leave”
H. Helping a parent to walk if they have difficulty doing so:[15]
If one’s parent is old or sick or injured and has difficulty walking, then included in the command to honor one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to help them walk to and from their home by having them lean on one’s body for support or by giving them a hand to hold onto and be walked with.
Driving the parent to a location of their desire: Based on the above, a parent who is unable to drive for whatever reason, it is a mitzvah for the child to drive them to their desired location, however, the child may ask the parent to pay for the cost of the gas for the trip as explained in Halacha 14.
| Rebbe Tarfon helping his mother walk:[16]
One time when the mother of Rebbe Tarfon went down to her yard for a walk on Shabbos and her sandals broke and Rebbe Tarfon placed his hands under his mother’s feet in order to help her walk to her bed. The sages responded about this that even if he does hundreds of thousands as such, he is still not reached half of the honor the Torah requires one to show his parents. |
I. Helping them with moving their furniture and bringing in groceries:[17]
Included in the command to honor one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to help them move their furniture and bring in their groceries and other shopping bags. Likewise, when things need to be moved around the home or taken from the closets, the child should do so in place of his parent.
J. Managing the finances of one’s parent:[18]
Some write that included in the command of honoring one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to handle their finances if they are incapable of doing so, or do not wish to be burdened with doing so.
K. Renting a home for one’s parents:[19]
Some write that included in the command of honoring one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to rent them a home, if they are in need of a place to live. [However, he may request the parent to pay for the rent.]
L. Housing one’s parent in one’s own home:
Seemingly, included in the command of honoring one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to house one’s parents in his own home, if he does not wish to rent them a home, or if they cannot afford it. The same applies if the parent is old and is unable to care for himself and requests to live in the same home as their child.[20] [Nonetheless, the expenses involved in housing the parent does not have to be from the possessions of the child, and he may request monetary compensation from his parents for housing them. This especially applies if the room or home is available for rent, that the son may request the parent to pay him the rent.] One who opens their home for their parent to living ends up fulfilling the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Vaeim at every moment. [Another option to housing the parent within one’s house if doing so is most difficult or has spousal opposition, is to rent a nearby home on behalf of the parent.]
If one spouse opposes the idea:[21] If one’s spouse is opposed to having their father or mother in-law live with them at home due to justified reasons relating to Shalom Bayis, then they are not required to house the parent in their home. This applies whether the wife opposes it, or the husband opposes, and certainly if both agree that it is not a good idea due to the friction that it may create. In such a case, the child was obligated to find a replacement option for housing the parent.
M. Living near one’s parents:
It is proper for one to live near one’s parents in order so one can properly do the above listed acts of service. See Halacha 11 for the sources and full details of this matter!
N. Communication and visitations:
See Halacha 9!
O. Escorting a parent after they leave one’s home, and upon going on errands:[22]
Some write that included in the command of honoring one’s parents through entering and leaving, is to escort them outside when they leave one’s home. One should not leave them after escorting them until they have left his view. [For example, when seeing them off upon leaving one’s house one should remain outside in the area that he stopped escorting them until they are no longer in his view.] In addition, some write that one should also escort them whenever they leave to perform an errand and can use one’s help. This especially applies if they are old.[23]
The matters included in the obligation to perform all forms of service like a servant to his master
P. All forms of service:[24]
In truth, the amount of acts of honor that one is required to show his parents is much more than is able to be listed, and all that was listed by the sages as a mere nonexclusive example, as can be seen from the many acts of honor recorded in the Talmud that the sages show their parents.[25] In practice, one must honor them with all accepted forms of honor, and be careful with all matters that can be viewed as disrespect.[26]
Accustomed acts of respect:[27] This especially applies to all forms of honor that are accustomed to being shown to one’s parents within ones society.
Other matters of service recorded in Poskim:
| Rebbe Tarfon helping mother climb up and down the bed:[31]
Rebbe Tarfon had a mother whom whenever she desired to climb up to her bed he would bend down and have her climb on his back, and whenever she desired to go down from the bed she would climb down onto his back. When Rebbe Tarfon came to the house of study, he bragged of the great honor that he has for his mother. The students present responded to him that he is not yet reach even half of that which is required to be done to honor one’s parents. In the Jerusalem Talmud we find another similar story:[32] One time when the mother of Rebbe Tarfon went down to her yard for a walk on Shabbos and her sandals broke and Rebbe Tarfon placed his hands under his mother’s feet in order to help her walk to her bed. The sages responded about this that even if he does hundreds of thousands as such, he is still not reached half of the honor the Torah requires one to show his parents. Nevertheless, this extent of honor as shown by Rebbe Tarfon is not an actual obligation, but rather a Midas Chassidus for which one receives reward but does not get punished if he does not fulfill.[33] |
Q. Services that people usually pay to receive:[34]
Some write that the son or daughter are only obligated to perform acts of service for their parents if it is not common to perform these services in exchange for payment. If, however, such services are usually paid for, then the son is not obligated to do so for free on behalf of his parents, as the son is not obligated to use his own money to support his parents. Furthermore, if this were not to be the case then a father could request his son to run his business for free and perform all the work in his fields, and act as his servant then made, without exchange of payment, which certainly is not the case.
R. Earning income on behalf of one’s parent:[35]
A child is not required to perform services on behalf of this parent for the sake of earning them an income. Thus, a parent cannot instruct their son or daughter to work for their business without pay.
S. Demeaning Work-Must a child perform even a demeaning task on behalf of his parent, and what is the law if he is a respectful individual in the community?[36]
There is no obligation for a child to do a demeaning task that is below his dignity and would put him to shame, on behalf of his parent. However, this only applies if the parent will have other ways of achieving that which he desires, if, however, there is no other way in achieving it and if the son refuses then the parent will need to do so himself and put himself to shame then the child is obligated to do so on behalf of his parent.
T. Personally answering the door for your parent:[37]
It is proper to personally answer the door for one’s parent, even if others are available to do so.
U. Greeting one’s parents:[38]
Upon the arrival of one’s parents, one should greet them with a smile and happy countenance make them feel welcome and at home.
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[1] See Michaber 240:4; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:15; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 376
[2] Michaber 240:4; Tur 240; Rambam Mamrim 6:3; Kiddushin 31b “The following matters are included within the command to honor one’s parents: One is to feed his parents food, give them to drink. Dress them. Help them enter and leave [i.e., walk].”; Tosefta Kiddushin 1:8; Rambam Sefer Hamitzvos Mitzvah 210; Sifra Yisro; Toras Kohanim Kedoshim 1; Chinuch Mitzvah 33 2
[3] Rama ibid “like a Shamash to his boss”; Tur 240; Rambam Mamrim 6:3; Chareidim Asei 5:1 “like a slave to his master”; Ralbag Parshas Yisro; Chayeh Adam 67:4; Eitz Chaim Chazan p. 19; Birkeiy Yosef 240:1; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnotes 120-121
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that a child is not obligated to serve his parent like a servant to a master and it only applies between a student and teacher. [Rishon Letziyon 242:32, brought and negated in Birkeiy Yosef ibid; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 122]
[4] Semak Hakdama 7; 50; Kala Rabasi 3; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 378 footnote 101
[5] See Sefer Chareidim Asei 12:4-1; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; Mechilta Yisro who learns the command of honoring one’s parents to initially be referring to honoring them in speech; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 377 and 381 footnote 140
[6] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:13 footnote 117
[7] Riy Milunil in Kiddushin 32a; Ran Nedarim on 38b in name of Yerushalmi
[8] Nedarim 38b “fry small fish on his behalf”; See Tosafus Yevamos 6a and Ramban ibid that this is a mere Hechsher Mitzvah
[9] Sheilasos Sheilasa 11; Tosafos Riy Hazakein Kiddushin 31b
[10] Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 9 4 p. 14; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380
[11] Riy Milunil Kiddushin 32a; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380
[12] Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 9 4 p. 14
[13] Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 9 4 p. 14; Ralbag Shemos; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380
[14] Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 9 4 p. 14; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380
[15] Story with Rebbe Tarfon in Kiddushin 31b who would help his mother to walk; Rabbeinu Chananel in Rash on the Rif Kiddushin 31b; Yireim 56; See Chazon Yechezkal on Tosefta Kiddushin 1:8
[16] Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1; Kiddushin 1:7; Meiri Kiddushin 31a
[17] See Rash Sirilio on Yerushalmi Peiah 1:2; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380 footnote 135
[18] Or Moshe 27 based on Rashi Brachos 63a
[19] Menoras Hamaor 9:4; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380
[20] Rav Elyashiv in Avnei Zikaron p. 281; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 2:444; Vayivarech Dovid 35; Derech Sicha p. 288; Mayim Amukim 2:101
[21] See Michaber and Rama E.H. 74:10; Rambam Ishus 13:14; Mishkanos Haroim Mareches Daled 20; Devar Moshe 1; Yaskil Avdi E.H. 5:58; Shevet Halevi 9:197
[22] Menoras Hamaor 9:4; Meiah Shearim17; Hisorerus Teshuvah 4 Y.D. 9; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380 footnote 137
[23] Meiah Shearim Shaar 17
[24] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:13; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 376 footnotes 83-93
[25] See Pirush Hamishnayos of Rambam Kiddushin 1:7 [29a]; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; Ledavid Emes 5:34; Meiah Shearim 16
[26] See Tanya Rabasi 100
[27] Ledavid Emes 5:34; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 93
[28] See Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Semak 50; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnote 116
[29] See Tosefta Kiddushin 1:8; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnote 117
[30] See Pesikta Rabasi 23; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 379 footnote 119
[31] Kiddushin 31b
[32] Yerushalmi Peiah 1:1; Kiddushin 1:7; Meiri Kiddushin 31a; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 footnote 88
[33] Rishon Letziyon 240:7; Meshivas Nefesh 1:16-9; See Ran Kiddushin 33b
[34] Sefas Emes 240
[35] Dibros Moshe Kiddushin 50 footnote 18
[36] Ramban Toras Hadam Inyan Keriyah p. 57; Ramban Kiddushin 33b; Ritva Bava Metzia 33a; Gilyon Tosafus in Shita Mekubetzes Bava Metzia 32a; Peri Yitzchak 1:56; See Michaber C.M. 263:1; Koveitz Hayashar Vehatov 13
[37] Kiddushin 32a “Rebbe Avahu stated: One should honor his parent as did my son Avimi. My son Avimi had five sons in the lifetime of his father, and nonetheless when his father Rebbe Avahu would come knocking on the door, he would personally run up the door to open it up for him even though he could’ve had one of the sons do so. He would also acknowledge his father’s presence right away and as he was running to open the door, he would tell him that he is coming to open it.”
[38] Menoras Hamaor 9:4; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 380
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