
6. The parting statement:[1]
Upon exiting from visiting the Avel, the [Ashkenazi] custom is to bless the Avel “Hamakom Yinachem Eschem[2] Besoch Shaar Avlei Tziyon Veyerushalayim/May Hashem comfort you amongst all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.” [The Sephardic custom is to say “Tenechumu Min Hashamayim.[3] The parting statement may and should be recited in whatever language one feels comfortable. This statement represents the conclusion of one’s condolences and is to be preceded by other words of comfort, when applicable.[4] Some[5] are accustomed to adding the words “Lo Tosifu Ledava Od/You should know no more sorrow” or “I wish you a long life.” In some condolence letters, the Rebbe concluded the accustomed statement of condolences of Hamakom Yinachem with a blessing that “From now on, may only good and kindness find you for the rest of your days.”[6]]
Answering Amen:[7] The Aveilim [and all those present] are to answer Amen upon hearing the above statement of blessing recited. [Likewise, the mourners are to return and bless the comforters in exchange for their blessing.[8]]
Saying good bye: The mourners and comforters may not say good bye, and other farewell messages of the like due to the prohibition of Sheilas Shalom, as stated above in E. Rather, they are to nod to each other to symbolize their farewell.
Q&A Is a man to comfort and wish the above parting statement also to female mourners?[9] Yes.
How often is one to say the parting statement to the Avel during Shiva?[10] One is to comfort the Avel each time he visits him during Shiva, and is to part from him with the saying of the accustomed blessing of “Hamakom Yinachem.”
Is one to say the above statement to each individual mourner or does it suffice to say it to many mourners simultaneously?[11] It is not necessary to state the above parting blessing individually to each mourner and one may recite the above statement to many mourners simultaneously. This applies even if there are mourners present who are sitting Shiva for two different people.[12]
May many comforters say the above statement simultaneously?[13] Yes, this may be done in a time of need. |
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[1] Perisha 393:3; Piskeiy Maharash Melublin Mem; Maharil; Pnei Baruch 11:5; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel 90:1 footnote 1
Other customs: Some are accustomed to say “Min Hashamayim Tenachamu” [Mavor Yabok Sifsei Renanos 19]
[2] Some write that by a Yachid one is to say “Osecha”. [Pnei Baruch ibid; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid; So wrote the Rebbe Rayatz to the Rebbe after the passing of his father in Igros Kodesh Rayatz 12:394] Others however say that one is to say Eschem even if there is only one Avel present. [see Nitei Gavriel ibid; See Taz 242:14 regarding using a Lashon Kavod to ones teacher] In the Rebbe’s letter of condolences to the Baba Sali he wrote “Hamakom Yinachemכת”ר and the rest of the Aveilim..”; Some write that when relatives comfort the Avel they are to add “and us” to the statement. [Nitei Gavriel 90:8 in name of Shvus Yaakov 3:98
[3] Yalkut Yosef Aveilus 26:3
[4] Igros Moshe 5:20
[5] See Keser Shem Tov p. 707 and Nitei Gavriel 90 footnote 1 in name of Shivlei Haleket Semachos 14
[6] Letter of condolences of Rebbe to the Baba Salli upon the passing of his son, printed in Menachem Meishiv Nafshi p. 5
[7] Admur 189:6 “Whoever blesses another Jew it is a Mitzvah to answer Amen to his blessing.”; M”A 215:3 in name of Midrash; brought in Chesed Lealafim 215:4; Kaf Hachaim 215:11; Toras Menachem 1988 2:245 and 597 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:280] that this especially applies to the blessing said to an Avel; Rav SZ”A, brought in Pnei Baruch ibid; Nitei Gavriel 90:2
[8] Toras Menachem 1988 2:380 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:280]
The reason: As when a Jew blesses another Jew, he is to return him a blessing, otherwise he is considered a Gazlan [Brachos 6b] and so is the custom of all Jewry that when one person wishes him Shalom Aleichem, he answers Aleichem Shalom. [Rebbe ibid]
[9] Gesher Hachaim 20:5-1; Chelkas Yaakov 3:38; Pnei Baruch 11:11; Nitei Gavriel 85:9 footnote 11 that so was done by Gedolei Yisrael to comfort also the women mourners; Beir Moshe 107; See Eizer Mikodesh E.H. 21:6 that one may bless and wish Mazal Tov to a woman
[10] Darkei Hachaim 4:2; Nitei Gavriel 85:2 footnote 3
[11] Nitei Gavriel 85:14 and 90:3
[12] See Michaber 354:1 that one does not give comfort to two mourners of two different people simultaneously, as perhaps one of those deceased is greater in honor than the other, unless one knows that they are of equal stature and praise. One may however state the regular parting blessing to them simultaneously, as there is nothing added in the statement when it is said for a greater person who died. [See Nitei Gavriel 85:14 in name of Poskim]
[13] Nitei Gavriel 90:9
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