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2. When to comfort the mourners and perform Nichum Aveilim:
Before Shiva:[1] One is not to comfort the Avel prior to the Shiva, before the burial. After the burial, the custom is to have those present line up in rows opposite each other and wish the mourners “Hamakom Yinachem” while the [male] mourners pass in-between them.[2]
During Shiva: One is to comfort an Avel during the Shiva. This applies even in the first three days of Shiva and even at night.[3] One is to comfort the Avel each time he visits him during Shiva.[4]
After Shiva: See Halacha 7!
Comforting on Shabbos:[5] It is permitted to comfort an Avel on Shabbos.[6] It is even permitted to comfort the Avel in the same wording as used during the week “May Hashem comfort you.”[7] Nevertheless [one is not to arrange to comfort the Avel specifically on Shabbos and is rather to arrange to visit him during the week as] it was with difficulty that the Sages allowed comforting an Avel on Shabbos.[8] It is therefore improper to do like those who do not visit the Avel throughout the week, and only visit him on Shabbos.[9] [Practically, it is no longer customary to comfort the Avel on Shabbos.[10] Nevertheless, if one feels that doing so will gladden the mourner, then one is not to hesitate to do so.[11]]
Erev Shabbos:[12] Some are accustomed that on Erev Shabbos the Avel enters the Shul prior to sunset[13] and the saying of Mizmor Shir Leyom Hashabbos and the congregation then comforts the Avel. [Practically, this is accustomed only amongst Ashkenazi communities. It is not accustomed amongst Chassidic or Sephardic communities.[14]]
Q&A From what day of Shiva may one begin visiting the mourner to comfort him?[15] Some[16] are accustomed not to visit the mourner prior to the third day of Shiva. Others[17] however rule it is permitted to visit the Avel within the first three days of Shiva and there is no reason to refrain from doing so. Practically, one is to visit the Avel to offer condolences even within the first three days of Shiva.[18]
At what time in the day/night may one visit/comfort the Avel? One may comfort the Avel at any time, unless specific hours have been posted.
May one visit/comfort the Avel prior to prayer?[19] Some write it is permitted to do so. |
Should one visit the Avel in a group or individually?[20] It is proper to comfort the Avel individually rather than come in large groups, in order so he constantly has people comforting him throughout the day.
May one visit/comfort the Avel at night?[21] Yes. However, one is to take caution not to visit the Shiva home too late at night in order not to be a burden onto the Avel.
May one comfort the Avel on Yom Tov and Chol Hamoed?[22] Yes.
How often is one to comfort the Avel during Shiva?[23] The Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim is fulfilled each time one visits the Avel during the Shiva. Thus, one is to comfort the Avel each time he visits him during Shiva, and part from him with the saying of the accustomed blessing of “Hamakom Yinachem.” |
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[1] Mishnah Avos 4:22 “Don’t comfort him while the corpse is lying before him”
[2] Miseches Semachos 1:10 and Brachos 16b “After the burial the Aveilim stand in rows and receive condolences”; Rashbatz brought in Midrash Shmuel Avos 4:22
[3] See Q&A!
[4] See Q&A!
[5] Admur 287:2-3; See Kaf Hachaim 287:1-4; Piskeiy Teshuvos 287:1; Pnei Baruch 11:10
[6] Admur 287:2; Michaber 287:1; Shabbos 12a
[7] Admur ibid; M”A 287; Tur Y.D. 393
The reason: As through saying it in this language, which is a request that Hashem comfort him, one will not come to arouse him to cry. [Admur ibid; Derisha Y.D. ibid; Machatzis Hashekel 287:1]
Other opinions: Some Poskim rule one is to change the normal form of comforting on Shabbos and say, “Shabbos Hi Melinachem Unechama Kerova Lavo.” [Bach and Rashal brought in M”A 287:1; Taz 287:1; M”B 287:2-3] Other Poskim rule one is to say “Shabbat Shalom” and not more. [Kneses Hagedola 287:2; Kaf Hachaim 287:4]
[8] Admur 287:3; Shabbos 12b; M”A 287:1; Elya Raba 287:1; Machazik Bracha 287:3;
The reason: As this may lead one to become saddened together with the Avel. [Admur ibid]
[9] Admur ibid; M”A 287:1
[10] Aruch Hashulchan 287:3; Nimukei Orach Chaim 287:1; Daas Kedoshim 395:1; Darkei Hachaim 4:13; Gesher Hachaim; Kol Bo [Greenwald]; Pnei Baruch 11 footnote 21; Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid; Nitei Gavriel 86:8
[11] Piskeiy Teshuvos ibid based on Nimukei Orach Chaim ibid; Seder Hayom; Shevet Halevi 4:53; Betzeil Hachochma 2:44
[12] Beir Hagoleh 393:10 based on Pirkei Derebbe Eliezer 16; Taz 526:1; Piskei Mahrash Melublin 40; P”M 287 A”A 1; M”B 287:3; See Nitei Gavriel 86:6-7
[13] Taz ibid; P”M ibid
[14] Nitei Gavriel ibid
[15] See Gesher Hachaim 20:5-5; Pnei Baruch 11:6; Nitei Gavriel 86:1; Toras Menachem 1988 2:349 [printed in Shulchan Menachem 5:276]
[16] Mishmeres Shalom Nun 12 in name of Tuv Taam Vedaas Gimel 2:239 based on Moed Katan 27 that the first three days are for crying; Daas Torah 376 in name of Tanchuma that an Avel within the first three days does not receive condolence; Gesher Hachaim 20:5-5; Kol Bo [Greenwald] 4:2-53; Darkei Chesed 25:5; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 1
[17] Rambam 13:2 “Every day of Shiva people come to comfort him”; Tur 376:4 describes that Nichum Aveilim was done daily for each of the seven days of Shiva; Daas Torah ibid in his conclusion based on fact that regarding Tefillin the Talmud/Poskim discuss Panim Chadashos visiting on the second day; Rebbe in Toras Menachem ibid that so is implied from Miseches Semachos 1:10 and Brachos 16b “After the burial the Aveilim stand in rows and receive condolences”; Kesubos 8b mentions Nichum Aveilim on the second day; Avos 4:22; Rashbatz brought in Midrash Shmuel Avos 4:22; Maharil Semachos “He went to comfort him on the second day”; Maharil Teshuvah 23 in name of Rashbam Baba Basra 100b “After the burial one escorts the Avel home and comforts him”; Poskim in Nitei Gavriel ibid footnote 2
[18] Rebbe ibid in Toras Menachem
The reason: The Rebbe in the above Sicha discussed the opinions regarding this matter and after brining many proofs from the Talmud and Rishonim that doing so is permitted and was accustomed, the Rebbe concludes that one is to specifically do so in order to perform the Mitzvah of Nichum Aveilim and Ahavas Yisrael at its first opportunity and hence help nullify the reason for the exile which brought about the concept of death. This Sicha was stated on the first day of Shiva for the Histalkus of the Rebbetzin on 22nd of Shevat.
[19] Ishei Yisrael 13 footnote 32; Nitei Gavriel 86:9; Piskeiy Teshuvos 89:12; See Admur 89:3
[20] Yosef Ometz p. 329; Nitei Gavriel 85:3
[21] Pnei Baruch ibid in name of Kol Bo [Greenwald] and Gesher Hachaim; Nitei Gavriel 86:5 and footnote 10 in name of Poskim who bring proofs to negate the custom of some people to not visit the home at night; However see Yalkut Yosef brought there that perhaps the reason for the custom not to visit at night is because the purpose of the visit is to sweeten the severities and at night the severities are very powerful.
[22] Machazik Bracha 287:2; Kaf Hachaim 283:3
[23] Darkei Hachaim 4:2; Nitei Gavriel 85:2 footnote 3
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