The Laws and Customs of Shemira for the Chasan and Kallah
The period surrounding a Jewish wedding is filled with deep spiritual significance, heightened sensitivity, and the observance of time‑honored customs that elevate both the Chasan and Kallah. Among these practices is the concept of Shemira—the requirement that the bride and groom not be alone, but rather remain accompanied by a Shomer during the days leading up to the wedding and throughout the Sheva Brachos that follow. Rooted in both halachic considerations and Chassidic tradition, this custom reflects the unique spiritual stature of the couple during this time and the need to provide them with protection and support. While the primary halachic application of the laws of Shemira applies after the wedding, during the days of Sheva Brachos, based on specific Chabad tradition this practice is extended to the period before the wedding as well, and is observed with similar care in the days leading up to the Chuppah.
This article presents a structured overview of the halachos and minhagim of Shemira, beginning with its observance in the days prior to the wedding and continuing into the week afterward. It outlines when Shemira begins, how it is practically observed, and the expectations for both public settings and private spaces. The article also addresses many common and practical questions, such as whether a Chasan and Kallah may go out together, who is qualified to serve as a Shomer, and how these guidelines apply in everyday situations.
Additionally, a meaningful account involving the Rebbe is included to illustrate the care and seriousness with which these practices are upheld, bringing the concepts beyond theory into lived reality.
- Shemira prior to the wedding:[1]
From a strict halachic standpoint, there is no requirement for a Chasan and Kallah to have Shemira prior to the wedding, and the obligation of Shemira which is recorded in the Poskim begins only after the wedding. However, based on Chassidic tradition the Chasan and Kalah are not to go out alone for several days[2] prior to the wedding.[3] [Practically, many are accustomed to follow this practice one week before the wedding. Others begin to follow it the Shabbos before the wedding and others from when they arrive in the city the wedding is taking place.]
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Q&A May two Chassanim and two Kallah go out together?[4] Yes.[5]
May the Chasan or Kallah be alone at home? No.[6] The Rebbe at the time he was a Chasan was told not to go from even one room to another without a Shomer, and not to stay in a room alone without a Shomer.[7]
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Maaseh Shehayah:[8] One time as the Rebbe was passing by a bank he saw a Bochur within a week of his wedding standing there without a Shomer. The Rebbe asked him “Where is your Shomer”? The Rebbe then proceeded to stand next to the Bochur acting as his shomer until another Bochur passed by. The Rebbe asked the passing Bochur if he could switch the Rebbe in the Shemirah as he is kind of busy.
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- Shemira for Chasan and Kallah after the wedding:[9]
It is forbidden for a Chasan [or Kallah[10]] to go outside alone in the marketplace [or any area[11], both by day or night[12] during Sheva Brachos].[13] The Chasan and Kallah are to only go out with an escort.[14] Due to this, the custom became amongst many Chassanim not to go to Shul throughout the Sheva Brachos, as there is no one found to escort them to and from Shul.[15] [Practically, if the Chasan does not have a Shomer to escort him he is not to go to Shul.[16]]
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Q&A May the Chasan and Kallah go out alone together? Many are accustomed to allow the Chasan and Kallah to go out alone together.[17] The Chabad custom however is to have an escort even when the couple goes out together.[18]
May a Chasan or Kallah be alone in their house?[19] No. Even at home they are to have a Shomer when they are alone, [however when both the Chasan and Kallah are together, no Shomer is required].
May the Chasan go out alone to perform a Bris or be a Sandek?[20] No, unless no one else is available.
Can the Chasan go out alone if his Kallah forgives her honor?[21] No.[22]
May a child be a Shomer?[23] A child may not be a Shomer.
May a gentile be a Shomer?[24] No.
May two Chassanim and two Kallah go out together? No.[25]
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Table: Laws of Shemira for Chasan and Kallah
| Category | Before the Wedding | After the Wedding (Sheva Brachos) | Notes / Details |
| Halachic Requirement | Not required from the letter of the law | Obligatory | Shemira strictly begins after the wedding |
| Custom (Minhag) | Practiced (especially in Chabad) | Fully practiced | Many begin one week before or from Shabbos prior |
| Going Out Alone | Not permitted (by custom) | Forbidden | Applies day and night in all public areas |
| Shemira Duration | Varies (week before, Shabbos before, or arrival in city) | Entire Sheva Brachos | Depends on community custom |
| Being Alone at Home | Not permitted | Not permitted (unless both together) | Even moving room to room requires a Shomer (stringent custom) |
| Chasan & Kallah Going Out Together | Generally allowed by some | Debate; Chabad requires a Shomer | Many are lenient; Chabad is strict |
| Two Chassanim & Two Kallah Together | Permitted | Not permitted | Change after the wedding |
| Going to Shul | Not discussed | Avoided if no Shomer available | Many do not attend due to this |
| Performing Mitzvos Alone (e.g., Bris) | Not discussed | Not allowed unless no alternative | Applies to Chasan |
| Forgoing Honor (Mechila) | Not applicable | Does not permit going alone | Shemira still required |
| Child as Shomer | Not valid | Not valid | Must be an adult |
| Non-Jew as Shomer | Not valid | Not valid | Must be Jewish |
| Severity of Practice | Strong custom (especially Chabad) | Strict obligation | Highlighted by story of the Rebbe |
[1] Likkutei Sichos 1:52 that so is a directive from the Rebbe Rayatz; brought in Eternal Joy 2 p.139
[2] The Rebbe Rayatz did not state an exact amount of days that is required for Shemira before the wedding. The previous Rebbe simply stated “several” days. [Likkutei Sichos ibid] Practically many are accustomed to follow this practice one week before the wedding. Others the Shabbos before the wedding and others from when they arrive in the city the wedding is taking place.
[3] The reason: The reason for this is because the time before the wedding Mazikim try to interfere with the couple. Having a guard prevents Mazikim from harming the Chasan or Kalah. This is not like the Shemira required after the wedding which is due to respect of the Chasan. [See Likkutei Sichos ibid] However see Elya Raba 669 and Bikurei Yaakov 669:3 that a Chasan is considered a king for a week before the wedding.
[4] Rav Shmuel Levitin as he received from the Rebbe, recorded in Kovetz Chasuna p. 41
[5] The reason: As the reason behind this Shemira is due to Mazikin and not due to being similar to a king
[6] Aruch Hashulchan 64:3 regarding after the wedding due to the reason of Mazikin, and the same should apply before the wedding
[7] Diary of Rav Groner “The Rebbe Rayatz told the Rebbe not to be alone in a room without a Shomer, and not to pass from room to room without a Shomer”.
[8] Heard from Rav Yehuda Leib Groner
[9] Rama E.H. 64:1; M”A 239:7; Brachos 54b “A Chasan and Kallah need Shemira”; Ran Kesubos; Pirkei Derebbe Eliezer 12; Sefer Haminhagim p. 177 [English]
[10] Brachos ibid; Aruch Hashulchan 64:3; Yifei Lalev 4:64-5; Sefer Haminhagim p. 177 [English]
[11] Aruch Hashulchan ibid; See Beis Shmuel 64:2 in name of Perisha 64:2 that this includes a Shul; Seemingly the avoidance of a marketplace fits the reason of the Chasan being a King, as Mazikin are not found there, while other areas where there are not people found, fits the reason of Mazikin.
[12] Aruch Hashulchan ibid; Seemingly the Mazikin is the reason behind not going alone at night and being like a king is the reason not to go alone by day
[13] The reason: As a Chasan is similar to a king who needs an escort in public. [Chelkas Michokek 64:2; Ran ibid; Pirkei Derebbe Eliezer 16; Aruch Hashuclahn ibid] Alternatively, as a Chasan and Kallah need protection from Mazikin and hence cannot go out alone. [Brachos ibid] As the Satan persecutes during times of danger and happiness. [Talmidei Rabbeinu Yona Brachos ibid] Hashem made ten Chupos for Adam Harishon in Gan Eden and the angels danced and cheered by the wedding. The angels guarded Adam and Chavah, as it says in Tehillim Ki Malachav Yitzaveh Lach Lishmarcha Bechol Derachecha, and Derachecha refers to Chasanim. [Pirkei Derebbe Eliezer ibid] There was once a Chasan who walked outside alone and he was killed, being snatched by the Malacha Hamaves. [Eirusin Unissuin of Rishonim p. 127, brought in Nitei Gavriel 56 footnote 1]
[14] Beis Shmuel 64:2 in name of Perisha 64:2; See Perisha ibid that some were accustomed not to leave to Shul even with an escort, although this is a Minhag Shtus; See Nitei Gavriel 56 footnote 9 and 56:8 footnote 13 that the Chasan and Kallah should only go out even with an escort when necessary
[15] Beis Shmuel 64:2 in name of Perisha 64:2; Machzor Vitri 477
Custom of Sefaradim: The Seafradi Chasanim walk to Shul alone during the day without a Shomer. [Nitei Gavriel 56:1]
[16] So is clearly implied from Perisha and Beis Shmuel ibid, however see Halichos Shlomo 5:7 in name of Rav Sz”a that if he is found in an area that many people are in the streets he may walk to shul alone.
[17] Nitei Gavriel 56:6
[18] Sefer Haminhagim p. 177 [English] Based on a directive of the Rebbe Rayatz that a king must go out with an entourage.
[19] Aruch Hashulchan 64:3; Hagahos Yaavetz Brachos 54b
[20] Nitei Gavriel 52:7 in name of Migdol Oz
[21] Chelkas Mechokek 64:2
[22] The reason: Her Mechila does not help as he is similar to a king who needs escorts. [Chelkas Mechokek ibid] Alternatively, it is forbidden due to Mazikin. [Brachos ibid]
[23] Mishnas Yehoshua 25:14
[24] Mishnas Yehoshua 25:14
[25] The reason: As the reason behind this Shemira is not only due to Mazikin but also due to being similar to a king, and hence they need a Shimer who is not a king to escort them. [See response of Rav Shmuel Levitin as he received from the Rebbe, recorded in Kovetz Chasuna p. 41]