- Emotional reciprocity: Educating Children to Invest Back in The Relationship
- The Importance of Reciprocity:
Throughout this chapter, we have emphasized the importance of parents expressing love, warmth, acceptance, and emotional availability toward their children. This emphasis is correct and necessary, especially during childhood when the primary responsibility for building the relationship rests upon the parent. However, an equally important lesson must eventually be taught as children mature: love is not only something to receive. It is also something to give.
One of the greatest mistakes a person can make is to view relationships as one-sided arrangements in which others exist primarily to provide for his emotional, physical, or practical needs. While a young child naturally experiences the world this way, healthy adulthood requires a fundamental shift. Mature relationships are built not merely upon receiving love, but upon learning how to express it.
Part of chinuch is therefore teaching children that relationships require investment. Just as they appreciate being listened to, they must learn to listen. Just as they appreciate encouragement, they must learn to encourage others. Just as they desire understanding and patience, they must learn to extend those same qualities to parents, siblings, spouses, friends, and eventually their own children.
The purpose of this lesson is not to make children feel guilty or indebted to their parents. Rather, it is to help them become healthy, giving individuals who understand how relationships function.
A person who only learns how to receive love may become dependent, entitled, or emotionally immature. A person who learns how to both receive and give love develops the capacity for genuine connection.
- As Water Reflects a Face
Shlomo HaMelech teaches:
“כמים הפנים לפנים כן לב האדם לאדם”
“As water reflects a face back to a face, so the heart of one person reflects the heart of another.”
(Mishlei 27:19)
This principle lies at the heart of human relationships. When one person genuinely expresses warmth, appreciation, concern, and affection, those feelings often awaken similar feelings within the other person. Human beings are naturally responsive to emotional investment. Psychologists refer to this phenomenon as emotional reciprocity. Numerous studies demonstrate that relationships thrive when both parties participate in expressing care, appreciation, and responsiveness. Relationships tend to deteriorate when one side continually gives while the other continually receives. This applies to friendships. It applies to marriages. It applies to family relationships. And it applies, though less commonly discussed, to the relationship between parent and child.
- Preserving the Parent-Child Relationship Itself
Based on the above, it is understood that an often-overlooked aspect of chinuch is teaching children that their parents are not only authority figures, providers, or caregivers. Parents are also human beings with emotional needs, feelings, hopes, disappointments, and a natural desire for connection with their children. Thus, as children mature, they must gradually be educated regarding another reality: relationship with their parents cannot remain healthy if all emotional investment flows in only one direction. While a parent’s love for a child is generally much stronger and more unconditional than any love the child is capable of expressing in return, the relationship itself still requires nourishment. Parents, like all human beings, naturally desire appreciation, affection, acknowledgment, and connection. They want to feel that their sacrifices matter, that their efforts are noticed, and that they remain important in their children’s lives. This reality should not surprise us. Shlomo HaMelech teaches, as sated above: “As water reflects a face back to a face, so the heart of one person reflects another.” Human relationships naturally operate through reciprocity. When love, warmth, and appreciation are expressed, they tend to awaken similar feelings in return. Conversely, when a person continually invests and receives little acknowledgment, emotional distance can gradually emerge. This does not mean that parents stop loving their children. In most cases they do not. However, beneath that love can develop hurt, disappointment, frustration, and sadness. The parent may begin to feel that the relationship exists only because of biology rather than because of genuine mutual connection.
- A Halachic Perspective – An Obligation of Kibbuid Av Vaeim[1]
The Zohar[2] describes the relationship between a child and parent as follows: “A son who cares after his father and mother whom he loves more than his own body and soul and all of his possessions are like nonexistent in the face of using them to give his parent satisfaction.” Some Poskim[3] learn from here that aside for the obligation to honor and fearless parents, there is an obligation for one to love his parents and that loving one’s parents is included within the command to honor them. The love is the result of the realization of how much his parents have done for him, and he hence reciprocates their love for him with his love for them. As a result of this love, he respects them and honors them and fears them. [Nonetheless, even according to this opinion, the Mitzvah of honoring one’s parents is mainly fulfilled through action while the Mitzvah of fearing one’s parents is mainly in the heart.[4]] Furthermore, some Poskim[5] learn that the Mitzvah to love one’s parents is included within the Mitzvah to love Hashem, and is independent of the command to honor one’s parents. However, other Poskim[6] rule that there is no special Mitzvah to love one’s parents any more than any other Jew.
- Why Teenagers Often Do Not Understand This
Unfortunately, many adolescents and young adults never receive education in this area. Many teenagers and young adults may mistakenly assume that because their parents love them unconditionally, the relationship will naturally take care of itself. They grow accustomed to receiving support, advice, encouragement, financial assistance, housing, transportation, emotional investment, and countless other forms of care from their parents. They are often unaware of the emotional needs of their parents and thereby rarely stop to consider what they themselves are contributing to the relationship. This often leads to a painful imbalance. A parent may spend years initiating conversations, making phone calls, showing interest, expressing love, offering help, and seeking connection, while the child contributes very little effort in return. The child may genuinely love the parent, but if that love remains entirely internal and is almost never expressed through words, time, gratitude, or action, the parent may gradually begin to feel unappreciated, unimportant, or emotionally neglected. Many adult children fail to realize how much pain this can cause.
They may assume:
- “Of course my parents love me.”
- “Of course they’ll always be there.”
- “I don’t need to show appreciation.”
- “I don’t need to express affection.”
- “I don’t need to invest in the relationship.”
They may also assume:
- “My parents know I love them.”
- “I shouldn’t have to say it.”
- “They understand my appreciation even if I never express it.”
The reality is that while parental love may indeed be unconditional, emotional closeness is not automatic. Just as a marriage cannot thrive when only one spouse invests, neither can a parent-child relationship remain emotionally healthy when all of the effort comes from one side. This is especially important to explain to children who have spent years away from home in yeshivah or seminary. Often, distance naturally weakens emotional bonds, not because there is a lack of love, but because there is a lack of ongoing investment. Children who understand this become far more capable of maintaining healthy family relationships throughout adulthood.
- Preparing Children for Marriage
This lesson is not merely about parental relationships. It is preparation for marriage. One of the most common mistakes young people make when entering marriage is carrying a consumer mentality into the relationship.
They ask:
- Will my spouse make me happy?
- Will my spouse understand me?
- Will my spouse meet my needs?
- Will my spouse love me?
These questions are important, but they are incomplete.
A healthy marriage requires a person to ask:
- How can I make my spouse happy?
- How can I support my spouse?
- How can I express appreciation?
- How can I invest in the relationship?
Children who never learn to give emotionally often struggle later when they discover that marriage requires continual giving, sacrifice, effort, communication, and investment. In this sense, teaching a child to invest emotionally in his relationship with his parents is one of the earliest forms of preparation for shalom bayis.
- Teaching Children to Express Love
Many children simply do not know how to express affection and appreciation. This is especially common among teenagers and young adults. Therefore, parents should not assume that children naturally know how to demonstrate love. Like any other life skill, it can and should be taught to their child.
A parent may occasionally explain to their child:
- Relationships require effort from both people.
- Appreciation should be expressed, not merely felt.
- Love should be communicated, not merely assumed.
- Parents also benefit from hearing positive words.
- Family relationships require maintenance.
These conversations should be gentle and educational rather than guilt-inducing. The goal is not to say: “Look how much we’ve done for you.” The goal is to say:
“Part of becoming an adult is learning how to nurture relationships.”
- Practical Ways Children Can Invest in Relationships
As children mature, they should be encouraged to:
- Express appreciation when parents help them.
- Occasionally initiate conversation rather than waiting to be contacted.
- Share positive experiences, not only problems.
- Ask parents how they are doing.
- Seek advice and consultation.
- Express affection and gratitude verbally.
- Spend quality time together.
- Show interest in the lives of family members.
- Recognize that parents also have emotional needs.
These habits not only strengthen the parent-child relationship but prepare the child for every significant relationship they will have throughout life.
Chinuch Takeaway
One of the most important goals of chinuch is not merely raising children who know how to receive love, but raising adults who know how to give it. Parents must create the initial bond, invest in it, nurture it, and protect it. Yet as children mature, they must be taught that healthy relationships require participation from both sides. A child who learns to express appreciation, affection, empathy, and emotional investment toward his parents is not simply becoming a better son or daughter. He is developing the very skills that will one day enable him to become a loving spouse, a devoted parent, a loyal friend, and a productive member of society. For ultimately, one of the greatest indicators of maturity is the moment a person stops asking only, “Who is investing in me?”
and begins asking, “In whom am I investing?”
- Illustrative Story: When Love Was Present but Never Expressed
Several years ago, while serving in a rabbinic position, a father and his adult son approached me seeking guidance regarding what both described as a severely damaged relationship.
I explained to them that although I am a Rav, I am neither a psychologist nor a family therapist, and therefore would not pretend to offer professional treatment. However, I offered to first hear them out and better understand the situation. If necessary, I would then direct them to the appropriate professional help.
As I sat with them and listened, both described years of emotional distance, tension, and frustration. Communication between them had become strained and superficial. Both felt hurt. Both felt misunderstood. Both expressed a desire for a closer relationship, yet neither knew how to repair it.
At first glance, it appeared to be a fairly typical parent-child conflict. However, as I continued listening carefully, a deeper message began to emerge.
The father repeatedly returned to one theme.
For years he had devoted himself completely to his son. He had invested enormous amounts of time, energy, concern, money, sacrifice, and emotional support. He worried about him, helped him, guided him, and consistently tried to remain involved in his life.
Yet despite all of this, he felt that none of it was ever reciprocated.
He did not feel appreciated.
He did not feel valued.
He did not feel important.
Most painfully, he did not feel loved.
Although he never expressed it quite this way, the underlying message was unmistakable:
“I have spent years pouring my heart into this child, and I do not feel that he cares about me in return.”
The son, however, presented a completely different picture.
As I listened to him, it became clear that he genuinely loved and appreciated his father.
There was no rebellion.
There was no resentment.
There was no lack of gratitude.
The son simply happened to be naturally quiet, reserved, and emotionally closed.
He rarely initiated conversations.
He rarely verbalized appreciation.
He seldom expressed affection.
He almost never communicated what he felt internally.
Most importantly, he had never been taught that maintaining a relationship requires active investment from both sides.
He understood how to receive love.
He never learned how to express it.
The tragedy was that both individuals were sending messages neither intended to send.
The father interpreted the son’s silence as indifference.
The son assumed his father automatically knew how much he cared.
The father gradually withdrew emotionally because he felt rejected.
The son became increasingly confused by his father’s growing distance.
Neither understood what was actually happening.
As I listened, it became apparent that the core issue was not a lack of love, but a lack of expressed love.
The relationship had become damaged not because either party lacked positive feelings, but because those feelings were never effectively communicated.
At that point, I encouraged them to seek the assistance of a qualified family therapist who could guide them through rebuilding the relationship. Specifically, I felt they needed practical tools for creating reciprocal expressions of love, appreciation, communication, and emotional investment.
The father needed help learning how to communicate his hurt without withdrawing.
The son needed help learning how to actively express affection, appreciation, gratitude, and interest toward his father.
What struck me most deeply from this experience was the realization that many children are taught how to recognize love from their parents, but are never taught that healthy relationships also require them to communicate love in return.
Sometimes the difference between a flourishing relationship and years of emotional estrangement is not the presence or absence of love.
Sometimes it is simply whether the love is expressed.
As Shlomo HaMelech teaches:
“כמים הפנים לפנים כן לב האדם לאדם”
“As water reflects a face back to a face, so the heart of one person reflects another.”
Human hearts naturally respond to what they experience from others. Love that is expressed tends to generate love. Appreciation tends to generate closeness. Connection tends to generate connection.
Perhaps one of the most important lessons we can teach our children is that relationships do not survive on feelings alone. They survive when those feelings are communicated.
[1] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 378 footnotes 102-114
[2] Zohar 3 p. 281, brought in Tanya
[3] Sefer HaChareidim Asei 9:35-37 “From this Zohar we learned that they had a tradition that included in honoring one’s parents is to love them…. That he loves them with a tremendous powerful love just like they had love him, and then serving them will not be so difficult”; Chayeh Adam 67:1; Meiah Shearim 93; Rav Elyashiv in Koveitz Kol Torah 43:230
[4] Semak Hakdama 7; 50; Kala Rabasi 3
[5] Tosafus Rosh Kiddushin 57a; Shita Mekubetzes Bechoros 6a; Panim Meiros 2:35
The source: They learn from the extra word “Es” found in the verse Devarim 6:5 “Veahavta Es Hashem Elokecha” that is coming to include one’s father and mother. [Poskim ibid]
[6] See Teshuvas Harambam 369 [160]; Maharal Chidushei Agados Kiddushin 31a; Nesivos Olam Ahavas Hashem 1