5. Love – Emotional connection of parents and children

5. Love – Emotional connection of parents and children

It is important to note that the perspectives presented in the following article are based on a synthesis of classical Torah sources, personal experience, and insights drawn from leading child‑development and psychological research. The Torah sources provide the spiritual and value‑based foundation for the discussion, while contemporary psychological findings help articulate how these principles manifest in emotional and relational development. In addition, select personal experiences are shared not as prescriptive proofs, but as practical illustrations that bring these ideas into real‑life context. Together, these elements aim to present a balanced, responsible, and thoughtful exploration of the role of expressed love in healthy parent–child relationships, grounded in both timeless Torah wisdom and well‑established understanding of child development.

 

1. The importance:

One of the most significant—yet often overlooked and rarely discussed—aspects of human development is the emotional connection between parents and children, and more specifically, the ongoing expression of love within that relationship. While this bond is widely acknowledged during infancy and early childhood—when a child’s vulnerability and cuteness naturally invite affection—it is far less emphasized as children grow older. Yet the need for emotional warmth, reassurance, and expressed love does not disappear with age. In many ways, it becomes even more critical. When we speak about expressing love, we are not referring exclusively to holding, hugging, or kissing a baby or toddler. Rather, we are referring to the continued emotional availability and expression of love throughout childhood, adolescence, and even into adulthood. Child psychologists and developmental researchers consistently emphasize that a child’s sense of security, self-worth, and emotional resilience is deeply shaped by perceived parental warmth over time—not just in the earliest years.

Why it’s not discussed: There are several reasons why this topic may be understated or overlooked. First, there is often an assumption that parental love is self-evident and therefore does not require ongoing verbal or physical expression. Parents may feel that their commitment, sacrifice, or provision speaks for itself. Second, in certain societies or family cultures, once a child reaches a particular age, overt expressions of affection—such as hugs, verbal affirmations, or emotional openness—are viewed as unnecessary, overly sentimental, or even inappropriate. The child is perceived as having “outgrown” the need for such expressions. In other cases, parents may simply be replicating the emotional norms they themselves experienced growing up, having received little explicit affection in their own childhoods.

Contemporary psychological research challenges these assumptions. Studies in attachment theory and emotional development demonstrate that children and adolescents who experience consistent expressions of parental love—through words, affection, and emotional presence—are more likely to develop secure attachment styles, stronger emotional regulation, and healthier interpersonal relationships later in life. Longitudinal research has shown that parental warmth is associated with lower rates of anxiety and depression, improved academic and social outcomes, and greater overall life satisfaction well into adulthood. Importantly, these findings hold true across cultures, even when the form of expression differs.

Whatever the reason for the absence or reduction of expressed love, our purpose here is not to place blame or judge parental intentions. Most parents deeply love their children and act in their best interest. Rather, the goal is to clarify why the expression of that love matters so profoundly at every stage of development—and to explore its deeper emotional and spiritual roots. Understanding this lays the groundwork for strengthening parent–child relationships and nurturing emotionally healthy individuals across generations.

 

 

 

1. The Torah Source for Love in the Parental Relationship

Many may ask: Why introduce what appear to be “secular” or psychological ideas into a Torah discussion? Where do we find, in the Torah or in the words of Chazal, that a parent must show affection to a child—to hug, to express love, to be emotionally open, even “soft”? Is this not a modern or foreign concept?

The truth is that not only do we find such ideas deeply rooted in Torah sources, but the concept of expressed love is in fact one of the most fundamental foundations of Torah life. Both in Tanach, Chazal, Midrash, and especially in the teachings of Chassidus and Kabbalah, Hashem’s relationship with the Jewish people is consistently described as the love of a father for a child. To quote a few of the verses: “For Israel is a beloved child to Me[1]”; “Is Ephraim not My precious child? Is he not a child of delight? … My compassion yearns for him.[2]” “Israel was a child and I loved him… I was like one who lifts a child to his cheek; I bent down to feed him.[3]”

This metaphor is not poetic alone; it is instructional. Just as Hashem’s love is not abstract or assumed but revealed, expressed, and felt, so too must parental love be conveyed clearly and tangibly. If the Torah itself chooses the father–son relationship as the primary model through which Divine love is understood, it follows that this human relationship must itself be infused with open and expressed love. A parent who withholds emotional expression while expecting spiritual and emotional receptivity from a child contradicts the very model the Torah establishes. Thus, the expression of love in a parent–child relationship is not a modern concept, nor merely a psychological tool—it is a deep Torah principle rooted in how Hashem Himself relates to His children.

At its core, this discussion touches upon the general concept of love in Torah—and the role love plays in all meaningful relationships. One of the most powerful and essential commandments in the Torah is the mitzvah of Ahavas Hashem—to love G‑d. This is not merely an intellectual acknowledgment or external compliance. Rather, it is an explicit command that we arouse within ourselves a genuine feeling of love and desire to cleave to Hashem. The Alter Rebbe explains in Tanya[4] that this emotional bond is the foundation and animating force of all mitzvos. Torah observance without love is deficient, lacking its inner soul.

Furthermore, the Alter Rebbe teaches that this concept does not remain abstract or limited to the relationship between the Jewish people and Hashem. It manifests within human relationships as well. The Gemara[5] states that one who attaches himself to Torah scholars is considered as though he has attached himself to the Divine Presence. Consequently, there exists a mitzvah to love Torah scholars—not merely to respect or obey them, but to feel an emotional connection of love toward them.[6]

This principle is expressed powerfully in the writings of chassidic leaders as well. In a letter written after the passing of R’ Menachem Mendel of Vitebsk, the Alter Rebbe explains that the enduring bond between a Rebbe and his chassidim exists specifically through love. Love is the conduit through which the relationship remains alive, even beyond physical presence. Without love, the connection weakens; with love, it endures and deepens.[7]

The same applies—perhaps even more so—to the relationship between a father and a child. What creates the bridge that allows chinuch to penetrate? What enables guidance, discipline, and values to be internalized rather than resisted? It is the child’s experience of acceptance and love. The expression of love is not a luxury or an emotional extra; it is the channel through which everything else flows. And this applies at all ages.

A parent may be a brilliant educator, a disciplinarian, or a moral guide, but education without love is deeply flawed. The Alter Rebbe compares Torah observance performed without love to a body without a soul—externally functional, but internally lifeless.[8] Similarly, a parent-child relationship devoid of expressed love resembles a purely mechanical hierarchy: a commander issuing orders to a soldier, followed without emotional connection. Chassidus criticizes such a model as incomplete and unhealthy. Certainly, the sacred and intimate bond between father and child is not meant to be a relationship of command without heart.

We find this ideal expressed not only in philosophical texts but in lived Torah life. In the letters written by the father of the Rebbe, Rabbi Levi Yitzchak Scneerson, to his son the Rebbe, we see profound, open expressions of love and emotional closeness.[9] To quote from some of these letters: “Loving you, desiring you, wishing for your good and your happiness, blessing you from the depths of his heart—your father and father‑in‑law”; “Your father who loves you from the depths of his heart in all days”; “Please, my love, do not shorten your letter…as the one who loves you desire.”; These writings demonstrate clearly that expressing love to one’s child is neither inappropriate nor undesirable within a Torah home. On the contrary, the greatest tzaddikim expressed the deepest affection for their children, viewing love not as a weakness, but as the foundation of true connection and influence.

Thus, far from contradicting Torah values, the ongoing expression of parental love embodies them. Love is not the opposite of discipline or education—it is what gives them life, meaning, and permanence.

 

1. A Personal Story: When Love Opened the Heart & When One Sentence Changed Everything

Although what I am about to share is deeply personal and ordinarily private, I feel compelled to include it here because of its profound impact—and because it illustrates, in a living and practical way, everything we have discussed until now. I share it not for self-disclosure, but for the benefit of readers who may recognize themselves or their children in this story.

Until about the age of eight and a half, our son was an exceptionally easy and pleasant child in school. He was gentle, kind, attentive in class, stayed out of trouble, and did well academically. Then, quite suddenly, around eight and a half years old, everything changed. From that time until about age 10 and a half he went through a prolonged and painful period of difficulty in school. Over the course of several years, his academic performance declined sharply. He was unfocused in class, struggled to stay on task, and experienced significant social challenges. His rebbi called us frequently, requesting meetings to discuss how to proceed. At one point, the rebbi—an experienced educator with over ten years in the classroom—told us candidly that this was the most challenging child he had ever taught and that he simply could not find a way to break through.

We, too, tried everything we knew. We spoke to our son many times about his behavior, his lack of effort, his struggles with peers, and his responsibilities in school. These conversations, however, amounted largely to lectures—and they led nowhere. We attempted incentives and rewards; they failed. We tried disciplinary measures; any short-lived improvement quickly faded. Nothing seemed to touch him.

Then came what we later referred to as “the phone call that broke the camel’s back.” The rebbi informed us that, in his opinion, there was no remaining option other than to involve a specialist. That evening, my wife and I sat down with our son—then about ten years old—for a very frank and honest conversation.

We began by telling him calmly that we were not angry with him, and that we loved and cared about him deeply. We explained that this conversation was not about punishment, but about concern—because we wanted him to succeed and be happy. With prepared notes, and in as measured a tone as we could manage, we laid out what was happening in school and what we hoped he would begin doing differently. We also explained the trajectory of his future in a Yeshiva system if things don’t get better. Throughout the entire conversation, however, he remained closed, cold, and distant. When we earlier spoke with the rebbi, we agreed on one thing completely: he was as closed as a nut.

As the meeting was coming to an end, I decided to say one final sentence—something I had not planned, but which came from the heart. I said to him:

“My dear son, I want you to know that whether you change or whether you don’t change does not affect how I feel about you. I will love you and accept you no matter what, simply because you are my son. I love you regardless. Your behavior is not a measure of whether you are worthy of my love. Everything we are discussing is only for your benefit—for your future, for your sake. Please take what I said seriously, not for me, but for yourself.”

At that moment, something remarkable happened. For the first time that I can remember, my son broke down crying. Not briefly—but deeply. He cried for quite some time, throughout which we held him close, and then, almost as if a dam had burst, he poured out his entire heart. That single sentence did more than express love; it broke through a barrier he had silently built around himself. It gave him a sense of acceptance he had desperately needed—and with it, the ability to open up.

From that point on, everything changed. Gradually—and then unmistakably—his attitude shifted. His effort increased, his learning improved, and his social interactions transformed. He eventually became one of the strongest students in his class. His entire trajectory changed.

Two weeks later, the rebbi called me and said, “I don’t understand what happened or what you did—but this is nothing short of a miracle. A literal miracle.” I met with him and told him exactly what had taken place. He was stunned. We both learned a lesson that day—one that neither of us has ever forgotten.

We learned how far a simple expression of unconditional love and acceptance can go, and how often it is the missing key—not only in chinuch, but in the heart of a child. That moment taught us that before a child can be guided, corrected, or expected to grow, he must first feel—without condition—that he is loved and accepted.

 

1. Hugs between parents and children:

A hug is one of the most powerful non‑verbal expressions of love available to a parent. Long before a child can understand words or logic, physical closeness communicates safety, acceptance, and reassurance. A hug tells a child, “You are not alone, you are held, and you are loved,” often more effectively than any explanation or instruction. When a child is anxious, ashamed, frightened, or emotionally overwhelmed, a hug can regulate emotions, calm distress, and restore connection in a way that words cannot. For this reason, moments of physical empathy—especially during pain or vulnerability—play a uniquely stabilizing role in emotional development.

At the same time, it is important to state clearly that families are different. Some families are naturally warm and physically affectionate, while others express closeness primarily through words, tone, presence, or acts of care. Judaism does not mandate a single emotional “style,” nor does psychology suggest that every child must receive constant physical affection in order to be healthy. What is broadly recognized—both in Torah thought and in child‑development psychology—is that appropriate physical affection, when welcomed, is a powerful regulator of emotional safety. A hug can calm anxiety, ground distress, restore connection, and communicate acceptance in a way that words alone sometimes cannot.

That said, physical affection should never be forced, especially as children mature. Physical affection must be age‑appropriate and welcome. Teenagers who resist hugs should not be pressured, as unwanted contact can erode trust. However, even in families where hugging is uncommon, there is broad agreement that occasional physical gestures of comfort—particularly in moments of distress, grief, or emotional pain—are extremely important. A respectful hug, a hand on the shoulder, or sitting close during such times often becomes the clearest signal of unconditional love.

Father hugging adult daughter and Mother Hugging adult Son: [10] Kissing and hugging is permitted between parents and their children, even if they are of the opposite gender [and even if the children are now adults[11]]. Thus, a mother may hug and kiss her son [of any age] and a father may hug and kiss his daughter [of any age]. [See Q&A regarding if she is married!] Kissing and hugging is likewise permitted between grandparents and their grandchildren of the opposite gender.[12]

 

Q&A May a parent/grandparent hug a married daughter/granddaughter? Some Poskim[13] rule it is permitted for a father or grandfather to hug and kiss his daughter/granddaughter even if she is married. Other Poskim[14], however, rule it is forbidden for them to kiss or hug a married daughter/granddaughter. Practically, it is permitted to do so[15], although one who desires to be stringent upon himself is blessed.[16]   Relatives showing affection in public:[17] It is permitted for a father/mother/grandfather/grandmother to engage in non-affectionate touch with their daughter/son/granddaughter/grandson even in public. [It is possible to learn in the Poskim that it is however forbidden for them to engage in affectionate touch in public, such as hugging and kissing.[18] On the other hand, one can argue that affectionate touch between such close relatives does not lead others to any immoral thoughts.[19] Practically, since in most situations it is not obvious to others that the two are father/daughter etc one is to be stringent, and so rule some Rabbanim of today.[20] However for a parent/grandparent to hug their young child in public is certainly permitted.[21]]

When and How Physical Affection Is Appropriate (by Age)

Age / Stage	Is Physical Affection Helpful?	What’s Appropriate	What to Avoid
Infancy & Early Childhood	Essential	Holding, cuddling, hugging, gentle touch, sitting close	Emotional distance
Early School Age	Very important	Hugs, arm around shoulder, affectionate gestures	Using affection as reward/punishment
Pre‑Teen (9–12)	Still important	Natural, respectful hugs; comfort during distress	Embarrassing or forced affection
Teenagers	Situational	Brief hugs if welcomed; comforting touch in moments of pain	Forcing touch; public displays against their will
Late Teens / Early 20s	Optional but meaningful	Respectful hugs at greetings or emotional moments	Assuming affection is unwanted without checking
After Marriage	Symbolic and relational	Warm greetings, blessings, expressions of pride	Intrusiveness or boundary crossing
All Ages (During Crisis)	Strongly recommended	Age‑appropriate, consent‑based physical comfort	Emotional coldness in distress

 

1. How to express love – Expressing Love Across Every Stage of a Child’s Life

Love must be expressed in ways a child can feel and recognize, and the form of that expression naturally evolves as the child grows. While the needs of a young child differ from those of a teenager or an adult, the underlying message remains the same at every stage: You are loved, wanted, and accepted. Parents sometimes assume that love no longer needs to be verbalized once children mature, yet experience teaches that emotional connection is lifelong. When love is expressed consistently and appropriately, it becomes the secure foundation upon which guidance, discipline, independence, and spiritual growth can rest.

Practical Ways to Express Love—According to Age

Young Children (infancy through early childhood)

• Physical affection: hugs, holding hands, sitting close
• Warm tone of voice and frequent positive words
• Expressing pride and joy openly
• Being emotionally present and attentive

 

Elementary and Middle‑School Age

• Verbal affirmation: “I’m proud of you,” “I love you,” “I enjoy being with you”
• Listening carefully without immediate correction
• Showing interest in their thoughts, fears, and experiences
• Gentle physical gestures that feel natural and appropriate

 

Teenage Years

• Respecting their developing independence while remaining emotionally available
• Expressing unconditional love separate from performance or behavior
• Avoiding sarcasm or constant criticism
• Communicating trust and confidence in who they are becoming

 

Young Adults (late teens and twenties)

• Clearly stating that love and connection are not dependent on agreement or conformity
• Offering support without control
• Expressing appreciation for who they are as individuals
• Maintaining warmth and interest without intrusion

 

After Marriage

• Continuing to express love without competition or judgment
• Respecting boundaries while staying emotionally present
• Speaking words of pride and blessing
• Letting children know they remain cherished and connected

At no stage does love become unnecessary—and at no stage should it be assumed rather than expressed. When children of any age are secure in their parents’ love, the relationship becomes a source of strength, trust, and lasting influence.

 

Age / Stage	Ways to Express Love	Notes & Emphasis
Infancy & Early Childhood	Hugs, holding, gentle touch, smiles, warm tone of voice, verbal affection	Love must be physical and constant; this builds basic emotional security
Early School Age	Verbal praise, encouragement, interest in daily experiences, affectionate gestures	Children need to hear that they are loved and valued
Pre‑Teen & Middle School	Listening without judgment, reassurance, appropriate physical closeness, calm presence	Love should be felt as acceptance, not conditional on performance
Teenage Years	Verbal affirmation, respect for growing independence, trust, emotional availability	Separate love from behavior; avoid sarcasm and constant criticism
Late Teens / Early 20s	Clear statements of unconditional love, support without control, expressing pride	Love must not be confused with agreement or interference
After Marriage	Words of blessing, continued warmth, respect for boundaries, appreciation	Let children know marriage does not end the parent‑child bond
All Stages	Honest words of love, sincerity, consistency, emotional presence	Love should be expressed, not assumed

 

1. Age‑Appropriate Love Statements Parents Can Say

Early Childhood (Approx. ages 2–6)

Children at this age need safety, delight, and presence.

1. “I love you so much, and I’m so happy you’re my child.”
2. “You make our home happier just by being here.”
3. “I’m right here with you—you’re safe.”
4. “There’s nothing you could do that would make me stop loving you.”

 

Elementary Age (Approx. ages 7–10)

Children begin forming self‑worth and sensitivity to approval.

1. “I love who you are, not just what you do.”
2. “I enjoy spending time with you.”
3. “I’m proud of the effort you’re making.”
4. “Even when things are hard, I’m on your side.”

 

Pre‑Teen (Approx. ages 11–13)

Children are vulnerable, self‑aware, and emotionally guarded.

1. “You don’t have to be perfect for me to love you.”
2. “I’m interested in what you think and how you feel.”
3. “You matter to me more than grades or achievements.”
4. “I love you—even when we don’t agree.”

 

Teenagers (Approx. ages 14–18)

Teens need respect, acceptance, and emotional safety without control.

1. “My love for you doesn’t depend on your choices or performance.”
2. “You’re allowed to make mistakes and still be deeply loved.”
3. “I trust you, and I’m here if you need me.”
4. “I see the good in you, even when you can’t see it yourself.”

 

Late Teens / Early Adulthood (Approx. ages 18–25)

Young adults need unconditional connection without pressure.

1. “You don’t need to earn your place in my heart—it’s already yours.”
2. “I respect the person you’re becoming.”
3. “My love for you doesn’t end because you’re independent.”
4. “You can always come to me—no matter what.”

 

After Marriage / Adulthood

Adult children still need belonging, blessing, and pride.

1. “I’m grateful to have you as my child.”
2. “I’m proud of the life you’re building.”
3. “My love for you didn’t change when you got married—it grew.”
4. “You’ll always have a home in my heart and in this family.”

 

A Final Guiding Note

These statements are most powerful when said calmly, sincerely, and repeatedly over time, not only during conflict or crisis. Even one sentence—said at the right moment—can stay with a child for years.

 

[1] Yirmiyahu 31:19–20

[2] Yirmiyahu 31:19–20

[3] Hoshea 11:1–4

[4] Tanya Chapter 38

[5] Kesubos 111b; See Tanya chapter 2

[6] Chinuch Mitzvah 434 “One transgresses this command if he does not set love for them in his heart.”

[7] See Tanya Igeres Hakodesh 27; Hayom Yom 26^th Shevat; Igros Kodesh Admur Rayatz letter 1805 p. 353

[8] Tanya ibid

[9] See Michtavei Chasuna of Rebbe’s fathr to the Rebbe

[10] Michaber ibid; Kiddushin 80b; Kitzur SHU”A 159:10

[11] Perisha 21:7; Beis Shmuel 21:15; Beir Heiytiv 21:15; Taharas Yisrael 21:17; Chochmas Adam 125:6

If the daughter/granddaughter/mother/grandmother is a Niddah: The above allowance applies even if the relation is a Niddah. [Betzeil Hachochmah 3:12]

[12] Chelkas Mechokek 21:10 based on Kiddushin 81b; Beis Shmuel 21:14 [see there for a long discussion on this topic]; Pischeiy Teshuvah 21:5; Igros Moshe ibid

[13] Beis Shmuel 21:14 that when both are clothed there is no prohibition to sleep together even if she is an adult and is married; Pnei Moshe 21:5; Beir Heiytiv 21:14; Aruch Hashulchan 21:10; Taharas Yisrael 21:17; Nidchei Yisrael 24; Divrei Yatziv Even Haezer 36; Chochmas Adam 125:6 concludes with a Tzaruch Iyun; Betzeil Hachochmah 3:12

[14] Mishneh Lamelech on Rambam 21:6-7; Nesivos Shabbos 13a; Meiri Kiddushin 81b; See Betzeil Hachochmah ibid

[15] Betzeil Hachochmah 3:12 as rule majority of Poskim ibid

[16] Betzeil Hachochmah ibid; Beir Moshe 4:145; Igros Moshe Even Haezer 1:60 and 4:63; See also Od Yosef Chaiy Shoftim 21 that a Baal Nefesh is to be stringent to himself. [does not specifically stipulate regarding daughter who is married].

[17] See Beis Shmuel 21:12; Taz 21:1 that by the above relatives doing acts of non-affection acts in public [such as checking each other’s hair] does not arouse immoral thoughts being that everyone understands that they do not share an incestuous relationship.

[18] As the above Poskim only permitted these relatives to check lice in public, which is not an affectionate touch, while by an affectionate touch, such as hugging and kissing, certainly it can arouse immoral thoughts in the onlooker.

[19] So is implied from the ruling of the Taz and Beis Shmuel ibid that there is no Zichron Tashmish by such relatives

[20] So rules Hagaon HaRav Yaakov Yosef Zal, stating that those fathers who hug their older daughters in public are Amei Haretz and are causing others to stumble.

[21] Pashut, as people do not view this erotically.