📄 Chapter 3: The Matters of Chinuch – Summary Edition – Emuna, Midos, Kedusha, Kashrus, Parnasa, Safety, Relationships

Chapter 3: The Matters of Chinuch – Emuna, Midos, Kedusha, Kashrus, Parnasa, Safety, Relationships

 

Introduction

In this chapter, we will delineate a structured list of subject matters, topics, and areas to which parents must give special attention in the education of their children. This chapter will not revisit subjects already addressed in the previous chapters—namely, the fundamental obligation of parents to educate their children in Torah and mitzvot and to safeguard them from future transgression, as discussed in Chapters 1-2. [In the subsequent chapters, in compliment of chapters 1-2, we will systematically examine the various sections of the Shulchan Aruch and Jewish law, together with their application to children both above and below the age of chinuch.] By contrast, the present chapter focuses on specific educational responsibilities that go beyond those halachic details. These include matters of chinuch in character refinement and proper conduct, the cultivation of good character traits, holiness and modesty, training the child for productive societal interaction and ability to earn a living, nurturing each child’s individual talents and potential, teaching safety-related laws and life skills such as swimming, and preparing a child for marriage.

These areas may be viewed as a distinct category of parental obligation—what can be described as an additional “fifth section” of the Shulchan Aruch and parental responsibility—grounded in Jewish values, practical wisdom, and common-sense educational principles that are essential for raising well-rounded and responsible individuals.

 

The Five Pillars of Chinuch

 

Area of Chinuch	Goal	Typical Outcome
Emunah	Connection to Hashem	Faith, trust, purpose
Middos Tovos	Refinement of character	Kindness, honesty, self-control
Kedusha & Tznius	Spiritual sensitivity	Moral boundaries and holiness
Practical Life Skills	Responsibility and independence	Parnassah, safety, competence
Relationships	Ability to build healthy homes	Shalom Bayis and Ahavas Yisrael

 

1. Emunah – The Importance of Educating Children in Faith and Belief in Hashem^[1]

One of the most fundamental responsibilities of parents and educators is to instill emunah in the hearts of children from their earliest years. Just as a child must be taught Torah and mitzvos, he must also be taught to recognize and feel the reality of Hashem’s presence in his life. The foundations of faith formed in childhood often remain with a person throughout his entire life and serve as the basis for his spiritual growth and commitment to Torah and mitzvos.

The education of emunah is not limited to formal lessons. Rather, it is conveyed continuously through the atmosphere of the home and the language that parents use in their daily interactions. Children should become accustomed to hearing the name of Hashem mentioned naturally and constantly. When a child asks how something happened, parents should teach him to say, “Baruch Hashem,” “Be’ezras Hashem,” or “Hashem helped us.” In this way, the child learns to see Hashem as a living reality rather than as an abstract concept.

A particularly powerful method of nurturing faith is through stories and conversations about hashgachah pratis, Divine Providence. Children should hear examples of how Hashem guides and directs every detail of a person’s life, from the greatest events to the smallest occurrences. By hearing such stories, they learn that nothing happens by chance and that Hashem is actively involved in the world He created.

Children must also be taught about Hashem’s boundless love and care. They should know that Hashem loves every Jew and indeed all of His creations. Every person has value and purpose because he was created by Hashem for a unique mission. This awareness gives a child confidence, meaning, and a sense of responsibility toward himself and others.

Another essential principle of faith is the understanding that Hashem created and sustains the entire world. Nothing exists independently of Him, and everything in creation has a purpose. The wonders of nature, the events of history, and the details of everyday life all testify to His wisdom and providence. When children are trained to see the world in this way, they develop a deeper appreciation for Hashem’s greatness and kindness.

Children should also be taught that Hashem sees, hears, and knows everything. No action, word, or thought is hidden from Him. This understanding is not meant to create fear alone, but rather a sense of accountability and awareness that one always stands before Hashem. At the same time, they should know that Hashem listens to their prayers, cares about their concerns, and desires a personal relationship with each of them.

Finally, children must learn that there is justice in the world. Hashem is the true Judge who rewards good and holds people accountable for wrongdoing. Although we do not always understand His ways, we believe that His judgment is perfect and that He governs the world with both justice and mercy. This belief provides a moral foundation for a child’s character and behavior, teaching him that every action matters and has consequences.

The goal of educating children in emunah is not merely to teach a set of beliefs, but to cultivate a living relationship with Hashem. Through constant reinforcement, personal example, stories of Divine Providence, and discussions about Hashem’s love, wisdom, and justice, parents and educators can help children grow into adults whose lives are guided by faith, trust, and a deep connection to their Creator.

An especially important component of educating a child in emunah is teaching him from a very young age to speak directly to Hashem and to pray to Him for his needs. A child should grow up with the awareness that Hashem is not distant, but rather close, listening to every word he says and caring about everything that happens in his life. Parents and educators should therefore encourage children to ask Hashem for help in simple, everyday matters: before a test, when looking for a lost item, when feeling afraid, when a family member is ill, or whenever they need guidance and assistance. In addition to teaching the formal prayers, children should be trained to speak to Hashem in their own words, expressing gratitude, sharing their concerns, and asking for what they need. When a child experiences that he can turn to Hashem at any time and in any place, prayer becomes a living relationship rather than merely a ritual. This habit strengthens faith, trust, and dependence upon Hashem, and helps the child develop the constant awareness that Hashem is always present, always listening, and always involved in every detail of his life.

 

2. Instilling Jewish Pride and Identity^[2]

A vital component of Jewish education is cultivating within a child a strong sense of Jewish pride and identity from the earliest age. Throughout history, Jews have lived as a minority among the nations, and it is only natural for members of a minority group to sometimes develop feelings of inferiority in relation to the surrounding majority culture. For this reason, it is essential that Jewish children be taught to take pride in the heritage, traditions, and values passed down from their parents and ancestors. They should grow up with a deep appreciation for the privilege of being part of the Jewish people, so that rather than concealing their Judaism, they will embrace it with confidence and without embarrassment, regardless of outside pressures or ridicule. Achieving this requires more than teaching facts about Judaism; it demands instilling the proper emotional attachment to authentic Torah values and helping children recognize the superiority of spiritual achievement over material success. When a child develops a strong Jewish identity and an appreciation for the unique mission of the Jewish people, he gains the inner strength to remain committed to Torah and mitzvos and to live proudly as a Jew in any environment.

 

3. Good character Traits (Middos Tovos)^[3]
4. General Obligation:^[4]

Beyond formal Torah instruction, a father is obligated to guide his son in moral character and reverence for Heaven, shaping his conduct while parental authority remains effective.

The Age: The Alter Rebbe writes that this formative moral education is most effective between the ages of sixteen and twenty‑four, when the child is mature enough to accept guidance yet not so independent as to resist it. Before this stage, excessive rebuke is ineffective, while after it there is a risk of alienation. Early moral training during this critical period establishes lifelong patterns of behavior, in fulfillment of the mandate to educate a child according to the path he will follow throughout his life. [The statement that a child is not ready for tochacha (rebuke) before the age of sixteen may be understood as referring either to previous generations or to the particularly harsh forms of rebuke that were customary in earlier times. In contrast, in our generation—where rebuke is expressed in a far gentler and more constructive manner—the opposite approach applies. A parent is obligated to begin educating his children in good character traits and fear of Heaven from the very earliest ages, already from two or three years old, as taught by the Shlah HaKadosh.^[5] At this young stage, the goal is to instill proper conduct as part of the child’s nature and to accustom the child to respectful awe of parental authority, for if a child is raised with excessive permissiveness and without discipline in his early years, he will ultimately fail to heed his parents’ guidance as he grows older.]

 

1. Stealing:^[6]

A child must be reprimanded for stealing, and it is proper for a Beis Din to smite the child for doing so in order so they do not accustom themselves to stealing. It is likewise proper for every individual to reprimand the child and prevent such behavior.

 

1. Forbidden Speech and Lying – Sheker and Nivul Peh^[7]

Parents^[8] must actively stop their children from speaking or being involved in any of the following behaviors which are considered as severe prohibitions so they do not become accustomed to them:

• Lashon hara (negative speech about others)
• Arguments and quarrels
• Mockery or scoffing
• And similar harmful forms of speech
• [Nivul Peh, such as dirty words or curse words]
• Children lying:^[9] One must be very careful to supervise children so that they do not get into the habit of lying. If a child does something wrong and is truthful about it, he is to be dealt with mercy, while if a child lies he is to be severely punished.

[One of the most essential yet often overlooked aspects of chinuch is teaching children proper speech and conduct—specifically refraining from forbidden speech such as lying, mocking, scoffing, or belittling others. While great attention is often devoted to educating children in the detailed laws of Torah and mitzvot, and even in refined customs and stringencies, this foundational area of character development is unfortunately sometimes neglected. It is not uncommon to find parents who invest tremendous effort in teaching their children halakhic details or advanced religious practices—occasionally even before the child is developmentally ready to fulfill them properly—yet fail to address inappropriate speech or behavior toward classmates, friends, or siblings. When a child is allowed to speak disrespectfully, mock others, or act unkindly without correction, an unhealthy message is conveyed: that religiosity can exist independently of basic decency and interpersonal responsibility. This imbalance can be deeply damaging. A child who grows up observing Torah and mitzvot meticulously, yet lacking compassion, humility, and respect for others, risks developing a fractured personality—externally religious but internally deficient in core character traits. Such a disconnect stands in direct opposition to the Torah’s vision, where ethical behavior and reverence for others are inseparable from religious observance. For this reason, it is a foremost duty of parents to educate their children from a young age to speak kindly, behave respectfully, and treat others with dignity. This includes correcting improper speech and conduct early, even when such behavior appears minor or socially acceptable. True chinuch is not limited to ritual observance; it is equally concerned with forming a refined character grounded in empathy, self‑restraint, and mutual respect. By prioritizing this dimension of education, parents lay the foundation for children to grow into adults who are not only observant Jews, but also individuals whose behavior reflects the values and ethics that the Torah seeks to instill.]

 

1. Honesty – Educating your Children Against Cheating on Exams^[10]

Cheating on tests has become a widespread and deeply concerning phenomenon within modern education, with large numbers of students admitting to some form of academic dishonesty. This is not merely an isolated personal failing but a societal problem, as it undermines the integrity of educational systems, distorts merit‑based opportunities such as scholarships and employment, and erodes trust across institutions and communities. From a Torah perspective, cheating constitutes a serious violation on multiple levels.^[11] At its core, it falls under the prohibition of גניבת דעת (geneivat da’at), as the student creates a false impression of possessing knowledge or abilities that he does not actually have. In many cases, it may also involve actual גזילה (theft), particularly when one gains financial or professional benefits through fraudulent results or deprives others of opportunities that rightfully belong to them. Furthermore, it is a direct transgression of שקר (falsehood), violating the Torah’s command of מדבר שקר תרחק, as the grade or credential produced becomes a false representation of reality. In situations where the individual is identified with Torah values, such behavior may also result in a חילול השם (desecration of Hashem’s Name), damaging the moral credibility of those who represent Torah observance. Beyond the technical prohibitions, cheating corrupts the individual’s character, distancing him from truth and instilling habits of dishonesty that extend far beyond the classroom into all aspects of life. Accordingly, it is absolutely forbidden to cheat on any form of examination, whether academic, professional, or otherwise, and one who assists another in cheating shares in this wrongdoing as well. This reality places a profound responsibility upon parents, as habits of honesty or dishonesty are typically formed at a young age. It is therefore incumbent upon parents to actively educate their children from early on that cheating is fundamentally wrong—not merely a minor infraction, but an act of deception and, at times, theft. Even if a parent may have engaged in such behavior in their own youth, they should certainly not normalize, encourage, or subtly endorse it in their children. Instead, parents must instill the understanding that cheating is not merely a minor infraction, but an act of deception and, in many cases, a form of theft. A child should be taught that true success lies in honesty and effort, not in artificially inflated results. Indeed, it is far better—and far more aligned with proper ethical and Torah values—that a child fail a class honestly than pass through cheating. Such an approach nurtures integrity, responsibility, and genuine achievement. By emphasizing these values, parents help ensure that their children grow into individuals who uphold truth and fairness—not only in school, but throughout their lives. In doing so, they contribute to raising a generation that combines strong moral character with genuine academic and professional excellence.

 

Practical Examples

• Copying answers from another student during a test is forbidden.
• Looking at unauthorized notes during an exam is forbidden.
• Submitting someone else’s work as one’s own is forbidden.
• Helping another student cheat is forbidden.
• Lying about completing an assignment is forbidden.

 

1. Training Children to Be Careful with Hashem’s Name

Parents should educate their children from a young age to show great care and respect when mentioning Hashem’s name. They should be taught not to use it casually or in vain, and to understand the holiness of speech. This builds a foundation of reverence and awareness of Hashem in daily life.

 

1. Swearing^[12]

Children should be taught not to swear, even if what they are saying is true. They must understand that oaths are serious and should generally be avoided.

 

1. Guarding Secrets – Teaching Children the Difference Between Good Secrets and Bad Secrets^[13]

Children should be taught the importance of being trustworthy and respecting the privacy of others. Not every piece of information needs to be shared. If someone confidentially shares personal information, or if a friend tells a child something private that is not harmful, the child should learn not to gossip or reveal it unnecessarily. A trustworthy person knows how to keep appropriate secrets and respect the dignity of others.

At the same time, children must be taught an equally important rule: there are certain secrets that should never be kept. No adult, older child, teacher, relative, counselor, or friend has the right to tell a child, “Don’t tell your parents,” regarding something that affects the child’s safety, wellbeing, or personal boundaries. Children should know that they may always tell their parents anything, regardless of whether someone asked them to keep it secret. Parents should explain to their children that there are good secrets and bad secrets.

Good Secrets

Good secrets are secrets that:

• Make people happy.
• Are temporary.
• Do not involve fear, harm, or uncomfortable situations.

Examples include:

• A surprise birthday party.
• A special gift for a parent.
• A surprise present for a sibling.

 

Bad Secrets

Bad secrets are secrets that:

• Make a child feel uncomfortable.
• Involve inappropriate behavior.
• Cause fear, confusion, or embarrassment.
• Require a child to hide something from his parents.
• Involve threats, gifts, manipulation, or special favors in exchange for silence.

Children should be taught that any secret that makes them uncomfortable must immediately be shared with a parent or another trusted adult.

 

The Rule Every Child Should Know

A child should be firmly taught:

“You never have to keep a secret from Mommy or Daddy.” Unfortunately, there are people who have harmed children by convincing them that certain matters must remain “just between us.” One of the most important protections a child can have is the confidence that he may always speak openly with his parents without fear of getting into trouble.

 

Good Secrets vs. Bad Secrets

 

Good Secret	Bad Secret
Creates happiness	Creates fear
Temporary	Meant to be hidden indefinitely
Surprise birthday gift	“Don’t tell Mommy or Daddy”
Surprise party	Makes child uncomfortable
No one gets hurt	Someone may get hurt
Can eventually be told	Must be reported immediately

 

1. Ahavas Yisrael: Chinuch Against Xenophobia and the Duty to Teach Respect for All

Another critical component of proper chinuch—and one that is unfortunately all too common in many educational settings—is addressing attitudes of xenophobia and intolerance. It is not uncommon to encounter situations in which children mock, belittle, or exclude others simply because they are perceived as different. This may take the form of ridiculing a classmate’s skin color, ethnic background, accent, country of origin, or even differences in religious custom or affiliation. Whether the distinction is between Ashkenazi and Sephardi backgrounds, between different communal or kehilla traditions, between chasidic groups with differing philosophies, or even between children who outwardly appear religiously similar but adhere to different customs or outlooks, such behavior is deeply harmful and entirely unacceptable. When children are allowed to engage in such conduct—mocking, bullying, or demeaning others based on difference—it cultivates cruelty, arrogance, and moral blindness. Left unchecked, this behavior can harden over time, becoming a deeply ingrained worldview that persists into adulthood. It is therefore an absolute obligation upon parents to intervene decisively, to stop such behavior immediately, and to educate their children that every person is created with inherent dignity and Ahavas Yisrael. Respect for others, regardless of background or affiliation, is not a secondary value but a fundamental expression of Torah ideals. True religiosity is measured not only by observance, but by humility, empathy, and the ability to see another person as deserving of honor and kindness. Parents who take this responsibility seriously help ensure that their children grow into Jews whose character reflects the ethical heart of the Torah, not merely its external forms.

 

Example

A ten-year-old boy returned home from school and began imitating the accent of a new classmate whose family had recently immigrated. Several siblings laughed, and for a moment the child felt proud of his performance. His father immediately stopped the conversation and explained that Hashem created every Jew with dignity, regardless of where he comes from, how he speaks, or which customs he follows. The child was instructed to apologize to the classmate the next day. Years later, that lesson remained with him far longer than any lecture about Ahavas Yisrael.

 

1. Judging Others Favorably

A parent should instill in a child the value of judging others favorably (dan lekaf zechus). Instead of jumping to negative conclusions, children should be trained to assume good intentions. This cultivates kindness, empathy, and unity.

 

1. Avoiding Revenge

Children must be educated not to take revenge or act out of anger toward others. They should learn to practice forgiveness and patience. This helps develop strong character and peaceful relationships.

 

1. Avoiding and Preventing Machlokes

Parents should train children to stay away from disputes and not to create or prolong arguments. Instead, they should be guided toward making peace and resolving conflicts calmly. This instills a love for harmony and unity within the community.

 

1. Sensitivity to Another Jew’s Feelings^[14]

An important goal of Jewish education is to train a child from the youngest age to be deeply sensitive to the feelings of others and to feel genuine pain when he causes distress or embarrassment to another Jew. This lesson is illustrated by a story from the childhood of the Rebbe Rashab. When he was four years old, he innocently pulled a piece of cloth from a tailor’s pocket while the tailor was fitting a garment for his mother. The tailor became embarrassed and hurriedly explained himself. After the tailor left, his mother gently reproved the child for having caused the tailor embarrassment, and the Rebbe Rashab cried bitterly. Several weeks later he asked his father how one can rectify the sin of embarrassing another person. Yet he refused to reveal the details of what had happened, explaining that it was enough that he had been involved in causing embarrassment and he did not wish to add the transgression of speaking negatively about another Jew. What is remarkable is that the embarrassment had been caused unintentionally, was relatively minor, and occurred in private, yet he was deeply distressed simply because another Jew had experienced shame. The lesson is that children can and should be educated from a very young age to care profoundly about the dignity and feelings of others, to avoid speaking negatively about fellow Jews, and to develop a genuine love and concern for every member of the Jewish people.

 

 

 

 

1. Shul Behavior: Educating Children to Behave Properly in Shul

Parents have a responsibility to educate their children, once they reach the age of chinuch, to attend Shul respectfully, participate in the minyan, and answer Amen with awe and reverence. Proper behavior in Shul is an essential part of a child’s spiritual education, instilling respect for tefillah and the sanctity of a Makom Kadosh. However, children who are too young to behave appropriately, run around, make noise, or disturb others should not be brought to Shul, as this both desecrates its holiness and trains them in improper conduct. As emphasized by the Shlah, bringing children who cannot behave properly not only disrupts the congregation but also harms the child’s long-term attitude toward Shul and davening, making parental discernment in this matter essential. See Chapter 9 Halacha 7C for the full details of this matter!

 

1. Kibbud Horim Umorim – Teaching Respectful Speech to parents and elders:^[15]

If a parent^[16] hears their young child speaking disrespectfully, they must reprimand them. This applies equally to:

• A mother hearing her child speak improperly to his father
• A father hearing his child speak improperly to his mother

This requirement exists so that children become accustomed from a young age to showing respect toward their parents. Experience demonstrates that when children grow accustomed to disrespectful behavior toward their parents early on—even when it is expressed in a seemingly harmless or “cute” manner—such behavior can, unfortunately, persist into adulthood. Therefore, proper chinuch requires that parents educate and guide their children from an early age, instilling appropriate conduct and respect consistently, so that proper behavior becomes natural and ingrained. Likewise, this behavior itself is for the long-term benefit of the child, as through respecting his parents he will merit long life.

See Chapter 16 for the full details of this matter!

 

1. From a Letter of the Rebbe: Redirecting the Focus of Chinuch – Prioritizing Character and Good Midos over Secondary Debates such as speaking Yiddish^[17]

Parents must prioritize moral refinement and yiras Shamayim over secondary educational disputes or external concerns. Torah education is incomplete if it produces technically observant children who lack discipline, respect, or consideration for others. The following letter of the Rebbe is a great reminder of this matter:

 

In Kfar Chabad, a heated and prolonged debate arose between parents and school leadership regarding the language of instruction in the school—whether the children should be taught primarily in Yiddish or in Hebrew. The discussion became increasingly divisive, with both sides arguing passionately for their position, until the disagreement escalated into a major machloket within the community.

In response, the Rebbe addressed the issue in a powerful and memorable letter to the Va’ad and the parent body. At first, the Rebbe carefully acknowledged and analyzed the arguments presented by both sides, demonstrating sensitivity to the concerns and intentions behind each viewpoint. However, after addressing the merits of the debate, the Rebbe shifted the focus entirely.

The Rebbe concluded with a timely and penetrating message, pointing out that, although the question of language had stirred considerable emotion and energy, it appeared that these efforts were being invested in the wrong area of chinuch. The true and most urgent issue confronting the community, the Rebbe emphasized, was not linguistic preference, but the moral and spiritual conduct of the children—their behavior, discipline, respect, and refinement of character.

Through this letter, the Rebbe redirected the community’s attention away from secondary concerns and toward the essential foundation of Jewish education, urging parents and school leadership alike to prioritize genuine chinuch that molds character and instills fear of Heaven alongside Torah learning.

 

A Letter from the Rebbe^[18]

To the Va’ad of the School and to the Parent Body of Kfar Chabad
At the conclusion of this letter, I feel compelled to address a matter that is most astonishing—namely, that an issue which is of primary and fundamental importance with regard to the students of the Talmud Torah has not been mentioned at all.

From several directions, I have received troubling reports concerning the conduct of the students of the Talmud Torah, particularly on sacred days—Shabbat and Yom Tov—as well as on the eves of Shabbat and Yom Tov. Similar reports have reached me regarding their behavior in the synagogue, not only on weekdays but even during the holy times themselves.

Although part of the responsibility certainly rests upon the teachers and educators of the Talmud Torah—for education according to Torah does not pertain only to study within the walls of the classroom, but extends to behavior beyond it, particularly in holy places such as synagogues and batei midrash—nevertheless, a most significant portion of the responsibility, and perhaps the primary responsibility, rests upon the parents, both the father and the mother.

It is incumbent upon parents to instill in their children refined character traits through every means at their disposal. Even if parents are burdened and occupied with many matters, this obligation remains among their foremost duties. If this responsibility applies during the regular days of study, it applies all the more so on Friday afternoons after midday, and on Shabbat and Yom Tov themselves. At those times, the primary responsibility unquestionably rests with the parents, for every moment then must be utilized for matters of Torah and fear of Heaven.

I therefore strongly hope that the enthusiasm and energy that have been aroused concerning the question of the language of instruction—whether Yiddish or Hebrew—which in practical terms relates only to the period near the beginning of the school year, will now certainly be harnessed, and to the greatest possible degree, toward guiding the students in proper character development and in matters of fear of Heaven. These are areas that do not fall exclusively under the formal curriculum of the Talmud Torah, such as the proper recitation of blessings, prayer as required, honoring parents, teachers, and elders, and proper and respectful conduct between one person and another.

These matters are especially significant at this time of the year, the days of the Omer, which are uniquely designated for strengthening the practice of showing respect for one another.

Accordingly, immediately upon receipt of this letter, I expect that an assembly be convened of all parents—Ashkenazic and Sephardic alike, and those who support one language or the other. This gathering should be devoted to a serious and focused discussion of the issue at hand: the conduct of the students, both within and beyond the walls of the Talmud Torah, including discipline, order, and adherence to the frameworks of learning.

This discussion must be approached with the gravity it deserves, in a manner that leads directly to concrete action. To that end, a parents’ committee should be selected, upon whom responsibility for this matter will rest going forward. This committee should in turn determine a group of parents who will maintain vigilant supervision over the students, ensuring proper conduct, along with additional steps appropriate for correcting the situation promptly and steadily improving it—progressing ever upward in goodness.

It is my earnest prayer that I will receive good news in return mail regarding all the above, and—most importantly—that there will be a true drawing together of hearts: a genuine unity, in which each individual, and all together, do everything within their power so that this goal is fulfilled among the students of the Talmud Torah, alongside all the other students of the boys’ and girls’ institutions in Kfar Chabad—so that they may grow to be תלמידים הראויים לשמם באמת, reflecting Torah not only in study, but in character and conduct.

With blessing for success in all the above matters,
[The Rebbe]

 

1. Goyishe Behavior: Emphasizing Education against Goyishe speech, dress, and behavior^[19]

Children should be taught not to imitate non‑Jewish ways, neither in speech nor in dress, and to distance themselves from the company of people who engage in improper or sinful behavior.

 

👉 Practical Chinuch Guidelines for Developing Good Middos and Yiras Shamayim

• Focus on Character No Less Than on Technical Observance

Parents should ensure that refining character, proper speech, and derech eretz receive no less attention than learning halachic details or performing mitzvos. Torah observance without good middos undermines the purpose of chinuch.

• Do Not Allow Repeated Small Misconduct to Become Habitual

Mockery, disrespect, lying, or rude speech—especially when dismissed as “minor” or “childish”—can become ingrained. Early correction prevents such behavior from hardening into permanent character flaws.

• Address Stealing Firmly and Immediately

Taking another’s property, even in small ways, must never be overlooked. Clear correction and restitution teach responsibility and prevent a dangerous habit from forming.

• Model Respectful Speech Constantly

Children learn how to speak by imitation. Parents must model respectful, calm, and honest speech—especially when disagreeing—so children internalize proper communication.

• Teach Sensitivity and Ahavas Yisrael Proactively

Children should be taught from a young age that mocking or excluding others due to background, customs, accent, or appearance is unacceptable. Respect for all Jews is a core Torah value, not an optional refinement.

• Correct Disrespect Toward Parents Immediately and Calmly

Disrespectful speech toward parents should never be ignored—even if said playfully. Early correction ensures that kibbud horim becomes second nature, protecting the child’s future relationship with authority and Torah.

• Be Discerning About Bringing Children to Shul

Children should be brought to shul only when they are capable of behaving respectfully. Forcing a child who cannot yet behave appropriately trains disrespect toward tefillah and the makom kadosh.

• Avoid Turning Chinuch into Power Struggles

Correction should be firm but measured. Excessive harshness or constant rebuke—especially at a young age—may cause resistance and resentment rather than growth.

 

 

 

Practical Examples

🌿 Example 1 – The Friedman Family (Speech and Respect):

When nine‑year‑old Yehuda Friedman began mocking an Israeli classmate’s accent at home, his parents addressed it immediately. Rather than ignoring it or laughing it off, they explained why such speech is wrong and required Yehuda to apologize. Over time, the family’s consistent response taught Yehuda that Torah observance includes sensitivity and respect for others.

 

🌿 Example 2 – The Rosenfeld Family (Shul Behavior):

Mr. and Mrs. Rosenfeld noticed that their five‑year‑old son Mendy had difficulty sitting quietly in shul. Instead of forcing him to attend and repeatedly reprimanding him, they arranged shorter visits paired with positive reinforcement.

 

What Children Learn Mostly From

 

Area	What the Child Hears	What the Child Sees	What Influences More
Respect	Parents speaking about respect	Parents acting respectfully	What they see
Honesty	Lectures about truth	Parents admitting mistakes	What they see
Ahavas Yisrael	Torah lessons	Parents treating others kindly	What they see
Prayer	Being told to daven	Seeing parents pray sincerely	What they see
Torah Learning	Being told Torah is important	Seeing Torah learned at home	What they see

 

4. Gemilus Chassadim^[20]

A person is obligated to educate his child to perform the mitzvah of gemilus chasadim (acts of kindness), such as giving Tzedaka^[21], hospitality toward guests, visiting the sick, escorting the deceased, and comforting mourners—and so too with all similar matters.

Hachnasas Orchim:^[22] One is to educate one’s children in the mitzvah and value of hachnasat orchim—maintaining an open home and being willing to give up personal comfort and private space for the sake of guests. Children should be taught that hospitality often requires flexibility, patience, and self-restraint, and that inconveniences are part of serving Hashem through kindness to others. This lesson is especially important when relatives or guests are staying in the home for an extended period, a situation that can naturally be challenging for children. In such cases, parents should consciously prepare and guide their children, helping them understand the significance of this value and training them to respond with respect, generosity, and a positive attitude rather than frustration or resentment.

 

Example

When the Cohen family learned that relatives would be staying in their home for two weeks, eleven-year-old Moshe complained that he would have to give up his bedroom and sleep in the basement. His parents explained that hospitality sometimes requires sacrifice. They reminded him how Avraham Avinu opened his tent to guests and how a Jewish home is measured by what it gives, not only by what it keeps for itself. Although reluctant at first, Moshe eventually embraced the opportunity and later felt proud of his contribution.

 

5. Matters of Holiness and Modesty:^[23]

It is the responsibility of the father and the mother to train their child to observe the boundaries of holiness and modesty, to guard one’s eyes from immodest imagery and to educate them regarding proper conduct in matters of moral boundaries.^[24] Accordingly, if one sees a child performing an immoral and immodest act then it is fitting for anyone to intervene and separate the child from wrongdoing, even if they are not the child’s parents.^[25] See Chapter 1 Halacha 7e for the full details of this matter!

 

1. Shemiras Eiynayim:^[26]

One is to be particular to educate his children from a young age in matters of Tznius and Shemiras Eiynayim in order so they abide by these matters when they are older. See Chapter 6 Halacha 6 for the full details of this matter!

 

1. Educating one’s children against predators, pedophiles, and molesters:

Child sexual abuse has become a widespread and devastating problem that has affected Jewish communities as well, making it a halachic and moral obligation for parents and educators to protect children through proper education. The Torah’s emphasis on kedusha includes proactive safeguards, teaching children to avoid dangerous situations and to recognize and report inappropriate behavior, just as they are taught other safety rules. Although this topic was often avoided due to discomfort and a desire to shelter children, the severity of the harm and the prevalence of abuse no longer allow for silence. Educating children with clear prevention and awareness guidelines both protects them from harm and serves as a deterrent to potential predators, fulfilling responsibilities of morality, safety, and halacha. See Chapter 23 Halacha 11 for the full details of this matter!

 

1. Non-Jewish music and lullabies:^[27]

See Chapter 20 Halacha 3 for the full details of this matter!

Music with problematic lyrics, or which are associated with idolatry [i.e. Christianity], are forbidden to be listened to by both adults and children. Singing or listening to such music creates a bad nature within the person, and ignites his inclination towards sin. The Talmud states that Acher was drawn to heresy due to his singing the songs of the Greeks. Now, while gentile melodies which were not composed for idolatry or the church and are absent of any problematic lyrics are technically permitted, the Rebbe concludes that one should nevertheless avoid gentile lullabies altogether when possible. Instead, parents are encouraged to sing lullabies containing words of Torah, faith, and holiness so that a child’s earliest influences are purely Jewish and spiritually uplifting. Thus, even culturally neutral and seemingly innocent gentile lullabies—such as “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,” “Row, Row, Row Your Boat,” or similar songs—should ideally not be sung to infants. The reasoning is that an infant’s soul absorbs and internalizes words and messages even before conscious understanding, and this spiritual imprint can later influence the child’s character and sensitivities.

 

The Rebbe – Instilling a Love for Torah from the Earliest Age^[28]

In previous generations it was a cherished Jewish custom, especially among Jewish mothers, and it would be wonderful if it were widely practiced today as well, to lull young children to sleep with songs whose message was that although raisins and almonds are sweet and desirable, “Torah is the best merchandise” (Torah iz di beste sechorah). In this way, even a small child would absorb from his earliest years a love and appreciation for Torah. Chazal tell of Rabbi Yehoshua ben Chananiah, whose mother, while he was still an infant in his cradle, would bring him to the synagogue so that his ears would become accustomed to hearing words of Torah. As a result of this special dedication, Rabbi Yehoshua grew to become one of the greatest Torah sages. Indeed, the Mishnah praises him with the words, “Ashrei yoladeto” (“Fortunate is the one who gave birth to him”), referring to the exceptional role his mother played in his spiritual development. From this teaching of Chazal we learn an important lesson for every Jewish mother regarding the immense significance of educating sons and daughters. A mother should not think that she can wait until her child grows older and begins attending cheder or school before introducing him to Hashem, Torah, and mitzvos. Rather, even while the child is still in the cradle, he should already be surrounded by words, sounds, and an atmosphere of Torah. Moreover, this responsibility rests primarily upon the mother herself. Just as the mother of Rabbi Yehoshua personally brought her child to the synagogue rather than entrusting the task to someone else, so too the Jewish mother has a unique and irreplaceable role in planting within her child a lifelong love and attachment to Torah from the very beginning of life.

 

1. Non-Kosher animals:

Parents should be careful not to expose a child, even from infancy, to imagery of non‑kosher animals. Accordingly, toys, pictures, and educational materials—such as alphabet books—should preferably depict only kosher species. The exception is when non‑kosher animals appear in Tanach, in which case they may be shown for the purpose of understanding the Torah text. Likewise, established synagogue customs that include animal imagery for symbolic or spiritual meaning are not included in this concern. See Chapter 15 Halacha 8 for the full details of this matter!

 

👉 Practical Chinuch Guidelines for Parents

 

• Teach Shemiras Einayim as a Positive Value

Children should be taught that guarding one’s eyes is a form of self‑respect and kedushah.

• Model Tznius and Digital Responsibility at Home

Parents must set the tone through what is visible in the home—screens, music, images, and internet usage. Children learn far more from exposure than from lectures.

• Create Open and Safe Communication

Children should feel comfortable speaking to parents about uncomfortable situations or questions. Silence or avoidance does not protect; calm, appropriate communication does.

• Actively Educate Children About Personal Safety
  Teaching children about inappropriate touch, private boundaries, and how to seek help is not optional—it is a halachic and moral obligation. This education must be clear, calm, and repeated.
• Empower Children to Say “No” and Report

Children must be taught that they are allowed—and required—to reject inappropriate behavior, even from familiar adults, and to report it immediately to a trusted parent or authority.

• Avoid Over‑Sheltering that Leads to Naivety
  Protecting children does not mean keeping them uninformed. Lack of awareness increases risk. Proper chinuch balances innocence with preparedness.
• Choose Jewish and Kedusha‑Focused Music and Media
  Parents should prioritize Torah‑based songs, stories, and media, especially in early childhood. Early impressions leave lasting spiritual fingerprints.

Examples

📌 Example 1 – The Cohen Family (Shemiras Einayim & Media Awareness)

Mr. and Mrs. Cohen noticed that their eight‑year‑old son Ari was being exposed to inappropriate imagery through classmates’ devices. Rather than panicking or scolding, they calmly explained the Torah concept of Shemiras Einayim and set clear boundaries for device use. Ari learned that guarding his eyes is part of being a ben Torah and a Chassidishe Yid, not something to be ashamed of or afraid of.

 

📌 Example 2 – The Goldstein Family (Personal Safety Education)

The Goldstein parents proactively taught their daughter Rivka appropriate body boundaries using simple, respectful language. They explained which touches are never acceptable and reassured her that she could always tell them anything. When Rivka later felt uncomfortable around an adult’s behavior, she immediately spoke up—preventing harm and reinforcing trust.

 

📌 Example 3 – The Levi Family (Music and Early Influences)

In the Levi home, bedtime routines for their toddler Mendy included Jewish lullabies and stories of Torah values rather than secular songs. The parents understood that even before comprehension, a child absorbs atmosphere. This choice helped shape a home environment centered on kedushah and calm.

 

6. Kashrus:

See Chapter 15 for the full details of this matter!

One of the most essential components of chinuch—both from a halachic and hashkafic perspective, as well as from a practical parenting standpoint—is ensuring that the food our children consume is kosher. More than that, it is vital that their food meet the highest possible standard of kashrut, beyond the minimum requirements of the letter of the law.

Not relying on Heterim for Kids to eat non-Kosher: As discussed in Chapters 1–2, and as will be examined in detail in the chapters dealing with the laws of kashrut as they relate to children, there are certain circumstances in which Halacha does not obligate a parent to intervene when a child is eating non-kosher food—such as when a child is below the age of chinuch, or when a child is ill and requires non‑standard food for health reasons. Nevertheless, despite these technical leniencies, the Poskim^[29] emphasize that one should not rely on them in practice except where truly necessary. Likewise, the Poskim^[30]  rule that if one sees a child eating forbidden foods, it is fitting for anyone to intervene and separate the child from doing so, even though the Mitzvah of Chinuch is not upon them.

Eating only Mehadrin foods: The Poskim^[31] rule that although from the strict letter of the law it is permitted for a child to consume mothers’ milk that derive from the breasts of a non‑Jewish woman, one should nevertheless refrain from doing so, as such nourishment can negatively affect a person’s character traits. From here we learn a fundamental principle: beyond the technical rules of what is halachically permitted or forbidden, there exists a broader and more encompassing responsibility—to raise children who are spiritually healthy. Just as parents strive to provide their children with the highest standard of physical nutrition and health, so too must they ensure the highest level of spiritual nourishment. This concern is especially critical in early childhood, when spiritual influences are absorbed deeply and can leave a lasting imprint. Spiritual harm incurred at a young age may have serious long‑term consequences later in life. In our generation, where the challenges of the secular world are far greater than in previous generations, this responsibility is more pressing than ever. Parents must therefore be meticulous not only to avoid feeding their children non‑kosher food, but even among kosher foods, to choose those that meet the highest standards and avoid relying on leniencies accepted by some organizations. Without entering into the broader discussion of whether hiddur mitzvah formally applies to children, it is clear that with respect to kashrut there is an overriding concern for the child’s spiritual wellbeing. For this reason, great care is warranted—an approach strongly emphasized in the Rebbe’s teachings, as expressed vividly in his letters on this subject.

From a letter of the Rebbe

Regarding the question of how to conduct oneself with respect to foods that are not fully mehudar in kashrut, when such foods may seemingly increase a child’s appetite: The concept of hiddur in food, as explained in many places, relates not only to the fulfillment of the mitzvah itself. Rather, since all food eventually becomes blood and flesh within the body, which is bound to the soul, the level of kashrut and refinement of food directly affects the character traits and moral qualities of the person who consumes it.

Accordingly, any additional level of hiddur, refinement, and purity in one’s food should be viewed as an enhancement in the formation, improvement, and refinement of one’s character and middos. If this principle applies to adults, it applies all the more so to children, whose characters are still in the process of being formed. For this reason, there is great significance to the direction in which children are guided in this matter.

In light of the above, it is clear to me that since this does not involve, G‑d forbid, a situation upon which health is truly dependent, but rather concerns an enhancement of taste or appetite, one should not compromise on the hiddur of food. Certainly, other methods and alternatives can be found to strengthen a child’s appetite and health, without doing so at the expense of kashrut and its standards.

 

(Igrot Kodesh, Vol. 18, p. 109 – free translation from Yiddish)

 

👉 Eight Practical Guidelines for Educating Children in Kashrus and Mehadrin Hashgachas

• Teaching Children Which Kashrut Standards the Home Relies Upon

Parents should explicitly teach their children which kashrus organizations, standards, and certifications are accepted in their home. This helps the child develop clarity, consistency, and personal responsibility in kashrus, and prevents confusion or accidental transgression when eating outside the home.

• Teaching Kashrut Sensitivity When Eating by Others

It is essential for parents to educate children which kashrus organizations they may rely upon when eating as guests, and which they may not. This guidance should be given with emphasis on sensitivity and derech eretz, so that children learn to uphold their family’s standards without embarrassing or judging others who follow different standards. Such education trains the child to combine fidelity to halacha with respect for other Jews, preventing shame, conflict, or arrogance, and fostering mature and compassionate observance.

• Treat Kashrut as Spiritual Nutrition, Not Only Law

Help children understand—by tone and attitude more than words—that kosher food nourishes the soul just as healthy food nourishes the body.

• Maintain a Consistently Mehudar Home Environment

Children absorb norms through exposure. A home that consistently uses reliable, mehudar supervision sets a natural standard, reducing confusion and avoiding the need for frequent explanations or exceptions. Thus, it is best to keep to set Kashrus Hashgachas permitted within the home.

• Explain When Relying on Leniencies

When halachic leniencies may apply (e.g., young age or necessary food), parents should explain the matter to their children as otherwise it may weaken their sensitivity to kashrut.

 

• Model Kashrut Integrity through Parental Behavior

Children learn more from what parents eat than what parents say. Consistent adult behavior—especially outside the home—teaches that kashrut standards are principled, not situational.

• Prepare Children in Advance for Outside Food Situations
  Before visiting others or events, gently explain what the family eats and why, so the child is not put on the spot or made to feel deprived or embarrassed.
• Avoid Turning Kashrut into a Source of Conflict or Control

The goal is sensitivity, not resistance. Firm standards should be paired with warmth, patience, and alternatives, so that kashrut is associated with care—not frustration. Unfortunately, there are situations in which kashrut is experienced by children not as a value, but as a means of control—where food becomes a battleground over what they may or may not eat. Children are often sensitive to this dynamic, and when kashrut is presented as rigid or restrictive without flexibility, it can breed resentment. In such cases, when children grow older and gain independence, they may react by rejecting or circumventing the very values their parents sought to instill. For this reason, sound chinuch requires balance. It is both proper and necessary for a home to be conducted on a high standard of mehadrin kashrut, establishing a clear and principled baseline. At the same time, when children are outside the home—such as when eating by others or traveling—it is important to provide them with acceptable halachic options that remain fully kosher, even if they are not the family’s preferred standard. This approach prevents kashrut from being experienced as oppressive and instead presents it as thoughtful and livable. For example, in Eretz Yisrael, many families eat exclusively under the supervision of Badatz Yerushalayim at home, yet nevertheless allow their children to rely on other recognized and halachically valid hechsherim when visiting others or when only such options are available. When guided properly and sensitively, this teaches children loyalty to halacha together with derech eretz, realism, and inner commitment—rather than rebellion.

 

🌿Example 1 – The Klein Family (High Standard at Home, Flexibility Outside):

The Klein family maintains a home that eats exclusively Badatz‑supervised food, without exceptions. Their children grow up knowing that this is the family’s preferred standard and that at home they do not compromise. However, from a young age, Mr. and Mrs. Klein calmly explain to their children that when they are guests—at a simcha, at relatives’ homes, or when traveling—they may eat food that is under other reliable and fully kosher hashgachos, even though these are not what the family uses at home. The children are taught which hechsherim they may rely upon and to do so respectfully and discreetly, without questioning or embarrassing their hosts. As a result, the children grow up valuing high kashrus standards while also developing derech eretz, flexibility, and healthy ownership of Yiddishkeit—without resentment.

 

🌿Example 2 – The Weiss Family (Preventing Kashrus from Becoming Control):

Mrs. Weiss noticed that her teenage son was beginning to feel frustrated when he could not find food outside the home that met the family’s very stringent standards. Rather than insisting on an all‑or‑nothing approach, the Weiss parents sat down with him and explained the difference between their home Kashrus levels and what is halachically acceptable when eating elsewhere. They clarified which leniencies he could rely on when necessary and emphasized that the goal of kashrus is kedushah, not control. At the same time, they taught him to be sensitive and respectful toward Jews who follow different standards. This conversation helped the child feel trusted and respected, and instead of rebelling, he internalized kashrus as a thoughtful and meaningful part of avodas Hashem.

 

7. A Chassidishe Home – Hanahagos of Chinuch:^[32]

The Rebbe^[33] teaches that the warmth, vitality, and heartfelt enthusiasm of Chassidus should be instilled in a child from the very beginning of life, even from infancy. A child should grow up feeling that he lives in a Chassidic home permeated with spiritual energy and devotion. The Rebbe emphasizes that this depends not only on the father, but to a great extent on the mother, who shapes the atmosphere of the home and determines whether the child experiences that unique Chassidic warmth.

 

1. Creating a Home Guided by Holiness Rather Than the Spirit of the Times^[34]

A fundamental principle of Jewish education is that the home must be visibly and unmistakably guided by Torah, holiness, and authentic Jewish values rather than by the prevailing trends and attitudes of society. The task of parents is not merely to ensure that their home differs from that of a non-Jewish environment, but to establish a standard of holiness that rises even above that of many Torah-observant homes in which worldly values occupy a prominent place. In a truly Torah-centered home, every aspect of family life is measured by the standards of Torah and not by the changing spirit of the times. This approach should be so evident that children clearly recognize that their parents live by different values than those around them. They should see that their mother conducts herself with exceptional modesty even when others do not, and that their father conducts his business honestly and faithfully even when dishonesty or questionable practices are common. When children grow up observing that Torah, integrity, and holiness consistently guide their parents’ decisions, they internalize these values and develop a strong Jewish identity founded upon principle rather than upon social pressure or popular opinion.

 

1. Creating an Atmosphere of Torah in the Home^[35]

Some parents assume that once they have enrolled their child in a religious school, and certainly if they have sent him to a Talmud Torah where only Torah subjects are taught, they have fulfilled their educational responsibilities. Parents must realize, however, that although a Torah institution is of tremendous importance, the child’s education can be preserved and internalized only when the home itself is permeated with an atmosphere of Torah. Even if the child comes home only to eat and sleep, he should nevertheless feel that his home is a Torah home.

A Torah atmosphere is created not merely through formal study, but through the daily conduct and conversation of the parents. When a father, even if engaged in business, naturally incorporates verses from the Torah or teachings of Chazal into ordinary conversation, the child learns that Torah guides every aspect of life. When Torah books are visible throughout the home, the child absorbs the message that Torah is treasured and central. Likewise, when a mother regularly speaks about Torah concepts, relates ideas from works such as Tze’enah U’Re’enah, Kitzur Shulchan Aruch, and other Jewish sources, she helps create an environment in which Torah and Yiddishkeit are not confined to the classroom but are the natural language and atmosphere of the home. In this way, the home itself becomes a powerful partner in the child’s education and spiritual development.

Learning Torah at home in vicinity of one’s children:^[36] Hearing words of Torah has a great impact on the soul of a child from the moment he is born. After the mother of Rebbe Yehoshua ben Chananya gave birth to him, she permanently placed his crib in the hall of study so that he would hear only words of Torah; and for this reason she merited a particularly holy child who became a great Torah scholar. Accordingly, beyond the great educational benefit of teaching Torah directly to one’s children, there is an additional—often overlooked—benefit when children see their parents, and especially their father, learning Torah in the home. This elevates the atmosphere of the entire household and teaches the children, not merely by words but by example, that Torah is the highest value and must be lived and practiced.

Enthusiasm for Torah:^[37] The home should convey that Torah is not merely an intellectual pursuit but the wisdom of Hashem. Whether studying a profound Talmudic discussion, a simple verse with Rashi, or even teaching a child the Alef-Beis, there should be visible excitement, reverence, and appreciation for the privilege of learning Hashem’s Torah. A child should sense that Torah learning is something precious and alive.

Raising Children Who Love Torah: In addition to studying Torah together with one’s children, a powerful way to instill within them a genuine love for Torah is by actively involving them in the learning process. One effective method is to have the children choose a sefer that they bring to their father to learn together at home. In our family, we have a personal custom in which the children each select a different sefer, open it to a random page, and explore the passage that appears. If what they open turns out to be a true “gem” — a meaningful insight, teaching, or depth of Torah knowledge — they receive a reward. Beyond the many lessons in hashgachah pratis that I myself have gained through this practice, it has the added benefit of teaching the children that Torah is alive and personal. It deeply engages them in Torah study and cultivates within them a lasting joy and love for learning.

 

 

 

1. Respect for Prayer and Avodas Hashem^[38]

A child should also grow up with an appreciation for sincere prayer and service of Hashem. If the father remains in shul long after the minyan has concluded because he is still engaged in prayer, the family should understand and value this. In this way, children learn that prayer is not a routine obligation to be completed quickly, but a meaningful encounter with Hashem that deserves time, concentration, and devotion.

 

1. Generosity and Kindness Beyond Obligation^[39]

Children should grow up seeing exceptional generosity in the home. The Rebbe describes a home in which tzedakah and acts of kindness are performed abundantly and eagerly. When a person is in need, one should not wait until he comes asking for help, but should proactively assist him. Through observing such conduct, children learn that helping others is a natural and cherished part of Jewish life.

 

1. Making your child’s room into a Mikdash Me’at:^[40]

Even today, every Jew is obligated to make for himself a dwelling place for G-d within his home. This obligation is relevant even for children, and even for a newborn baby. It can be accomplished by placing inside the babies room a book of Chumash, a Siddur, a Hagadah of Pesach, a Sefer Tehillim, and a charity box. These books should be personally purchased on behalf of the child and be considered as his. To sanctify the room, one should try to study some amount daily from the child’s Chumash, and to pray or say blessing from the child’s Siddur, and to give charity in his charity box.

 

1. Filling a Child’s Room With Sifrei Kodesh^[41]

The Rebbe emphasized the importance of having Sifrei Kodesh in a child’s room. The very presence of holy books leaves a powerful impression on a child and helps create an atmosphere of Torah and holiness. However, the intention is not merely to place a single sefer in the room in order to fulfill an obligation, nor only to have a siddur that the child uses for prayer. Rather, the room should be filled with seforim, reflecting the ideal of a Jewish home that is centered around Torah. Just as it has often been stressed regarding adults that a home should be “full of books,” demonstrating that Torah is the central focus of the household, so too a child’s room should visibly convey that Torah occupies a primary place in his life. Everything in the room should support a Torah way of life and be used in accordance with Torah values. The Rebbe therefore recommended that every child’s room contain at least three basic seforim: a Chumash, a Siddur, and a Haggadah. It is also highly desirable to add a Sefer Tehillim, whether as a separate volume or as part of a siddur in which Tehillim has its own distinct section, thereby emphasizing its status as an independent sefer among the holy writings.

 

1. Letter in Sefer Torah:^[42]

One is to purchase a letter in the Torah scroll that is written specifically on behalf of children on behalf of each of his children.^[43] It can be purchased from the moment the child is born. The price of each letter is one dollar. The child is to be sent a certificate of his purchase by the committee. The certificate should contain the name of the child as well as the weekly portion that his letter was purchased in.

 

1. Kissing the Mezuzah before sleep:^[44]

Prior to retiring to one’s bed for the night one is to touch [and kiss] the Mezuzah.^[45] Thus, it is customary in all Jewish homes for children to kiss the Mezuzah of their room prior to going to sleep. This internalizes the idea that Hashem watches and guards over them. [Doing so enters Kedusha into the child from a young age and assists him in his service of G-d in the future.^[46]]

1. Modeh Ani-Saying Modeh Ani with even an infant:^[47]

It is the custom of righteous women to recite Modeh Ani on behalf of, and together with, their baby even prior to him learning how to speak.^[48] Even those who don’t do so, are nonetheless accustomed to teach the child to say Modeh Ani starting from when the child learns how to speak.^[49] Certainly, from age 3 and onwards every parent is to make sure that their child says Modeh Ani upon awakening.^[50]

 

1. Neigal Vaaser in the morning:

From the time of a child’s circumcision, one who is careful to wash the child’s hands is performing an act of holiness. Practically, the Poskim rule that a child’s hands should be washed in the morning—even from a very young age, including a nursing baby. This practice is considered a good segulah for children to grow with purity and holiness. The Rebbe Rashab emphasized beginning this care once the child is no longer in diapers, while the Rebbe stated that, at the very least, one should be careful with hand‑washing from age three. See Chapter 7 Halacha 5.

 

1. Hiskashrus to Tzadikim and the Rebbe

A fundamental aspect of chinuch is to educate children to develop a connection (hiskashrus) to tzaddikim, and in particular to the Rebbe. From a young age, children should be raised not only with faith (emunah) in the Rebbe, but also with a deep love and emotional attachment. It is customary among Chassidim to instill this connection in practical ways, such as encouraging children to show affection and reverence—for example, lifting a child at night to give a “kiss” toward the Rebbe’s picture, and similar acts. Through these consistent expressions, the bond becomes internalized within the child, so that as he grows older, this connection matures into a lasting and meaningful part of his Avodas Hashem.

 

1. The birthday of a child:

It is customary amongst many people to celebrate their birthday. It is a happy day in which people yearn and desire to be cherished and allow themselves extravagances and luxuries that they would usually not partake in. In the secular world, many use the day for partying and sometimes partaking in lustful or sinful behaviors. The question with regards to a Jew is whether such behavior is encouraged or discouraged by the Torah. The Rebbe, seeing a birthday celebration as a great opportunity to bring change to the person and his service of G-d, dedicated a great deal of talks and writing to the subject of birthday celebration, and encouraged every person to celebrate their birthday in a way that will bring them closer to Hashem.  

How To Celebrate The birthday of a child:^[51]

The parents are to celebrate the birthday of their children.^[52] This applies to children of all ages, beginning with a child’s first birthday. The parent is to utilize the day to give thanks to Hashem for the gift of having the child and make appropriate resolutions for the proper education of the child. When the child is too young to perform the birthday customs himself, they are to be performed by the parents, such as increasing in learning Torah and giving charity.

 

Should a father get an Aliyah for a child’s birthday?^[53]

There is certainly no prohibition in having a father purchase an Aliyah the Shabbos prior to his child’s birthday or the birthday of his wife, and have it dedicated in their merit. However, we also do not find any record of such a Jewish custom having existed. Likewise, such a directive was never included by the Rebbe in his public directives which he asked to be followed on a birthday. Nonetheless, there are some individuals who are particular to try to get an Aliyah on behalf of such an occasion, based on a talk of the Rebbe^[54] in which he stated that parents should follow the birthday directives on behalf of their children who cannot do so on their own. Now, while the Rebbe did mention an increase of learning Torah and giving charity, no mention was made of getting in an Aliyah.^[55] Accordingly, some completely negate this new custom.^[56] Whatever the case, as stated initially, there is no issue with doing so, however it should not be turned into an obligation in which people can demand from the Gabaiy to give them an Aliyah on this behalf. Certainly, such an individual does not push off any Chiyuv, including an adult who has a birthday that week or on that day, in which case there exists a public directive from the Rebbe for him to get an Aliyah. The following therefore is the suggestive approach: If somebody would like to get an Aliyah on behalf of his child or wife, then he should purchase it, or ask the Gabaiy if he can receive an Aliyah even though he is not a Chiyuv and does not have a birthday. It has happened in the past, that such people have simply told the Gabbaiy that they need an Aliyah for a birthday, and the Gabaiy ended up differing people who had a real birthday of their own, or even a real Chiyuv, due to them not explaining the reason for their request.

M. The Twelve Pesukim and Ma’amarei Chazal

The Rebbe established the Twelve Pesukim and Ma’amarei Chazal as a foundation of Jewish education, encouraging every Jewish child to memorize and review these twelve fundamental teachings. They encapsulate the core principles of Torah, emunah, Ahavas Yisrael, Jewish identity, personal growth, and serving Hashem with joy. The Rebbe emphasized that these pesukim should not merely be memorized, but internalized, becoming guiding principles that shape a child’s outlook and conduct throughout life. Accordingly, they have become a central component of Jewish education in schools, camps, children’s rallies, and Tzivos Hashem activities throughout the world.

For further details regarding the Twelve Pesukim and their significance in chinuch, see Chapter 17, Halachah 6M.

The Rebbe’s Twelve Birthday Customs

 

#	Custom	Details
1	Memorize Chassidus	Learn a maamar or section of Chassidus by heart and recite it publicly on the birthday or a related occasion.
2	Receive an Aliyah	Men above Bar Mitzvah receive an aliyah on the Shabbos before the birthday. If the birthday falls on a Torah-reading day, an additional aliyah is received on the birthday itself.
3	Give Tzedakah	Give charity before Shacharis and Mincha. If the birthday falls on Shabbos or Yom Tov, give beforehand and preferably also afterward.
4	Daven with Extra Kavanah	Invest additional concentration and effort in prayer and contemplation of Hashem’s greatness.
5	Recite Tehillim	Increase Tehillim recitation and read at least one sefer of Tehillim. Begin saying the new chapter corresponding to the new age.
6	Add Torah Learning	Learn additional Nigleh and Chassidus beyond one’s regular daily study schedule.
7	Personal Reflection	Spend time alone reviewing the previous year, correcting shortcomings, and planning spiritual growth.
8	Recall a Yechidus	Picture a past yechidus with the Rebbe, review the Rebbe’s guidance, and study related teachings.
9	Accept New Resolutions	Undertake a new hiddur or practical spiritual commitment for the coming year.
10	Practice Ahavas Yisrael	Reach out to fellow Jews, teach Torah and Chassidus, and perform acts of kindness.
11	Hold a Farbrengen or Seudah	Celebrate with family and friends in a Simcha Shel Mitzvah while sharing Torah and accepting resolutions.
12	Recite Shehechiyanu	Try to eat a new seasonal fruit and recite the blessing of Shehechiyanu.

 

Situation	Custom
Regular birthday	Give before Shacharis and Mincha
Birthday on Shabbos	Give on Erev Shabbos and preferably the following day
Birthday on Yom Tov	Give on Erev Yom Tov and preferably afterward
Suggested amount	Multiples of 18, or the person’s new age plus one (e.g., turning 34, give 35)

 

Age Reached	Chapter to Begin Saying
13	Chapter 14
20	Chapter 21
34	Chapter 35
40	Chapter 41
60	Chapter 61

 

 

 

8. Teaching your child a trade:^[57]

Every person is obligated to teach his son a trade or how to do business and if he does not do so it is as if he is teaching him to steal.^[58] [This is a Biblical obligation.^[59]]

 

Q&A Must a mother teach her son a trade?[60] No.   Must a father teach a daughter a trade? Some[61] write that a father is not obligated to teach his daughter a trade. Others[62] write that one is obligated to teach his daughter a trade.   At what age is a father obligated to teach his child a trade? There is no specific age recorded in the Poskim and hence seemingly so long as one continues to support his child there is no requirement to teach him a trade at an early age.[63] On the other hand he must teach him early enough so that when the child becomes independent he will now be able to support himself.[64] However, once the child is reaching of age that the parent desires or knows that he must support himself, then the father is obligated to teach him a trade. Practically, it is accustomed today [even in the secular world] to teach a child a trade only when he is older [of college age]. Thus, a person can go to Yeshiva throughout his teen years and when he is ready to get married and support himself the father is obligated to teach him a trade.   What trade is the father obligated to teach his child? The father is obligated to teach him a trade that will be able to support the common expenses in that country. The Gemara[65] states that the father is to teach him an easy and clean trade. A trade that is free of sin and of stealing, and does not involve the opposite gender. There is no obligation to teach the child a sophisticated trade that takes many years to learn, such as a doctor or lawyer, and on the contrary, doing so is discouraged as it removes the person from his main job of learning Torah.[66]   Must the father teach a trade if the son can simply get a random job? Today, there are countless job opportunities available which do not require any prior training. Seemingly, if such jobs are available in one’s area and the child can support himself with such a job then it is not necessary to teach him a specific trade. If however such jobs are not realistic then the father would be obligated to teach him a trade.   On what do people rely today that they do not teach their children a trade? Seemingly, people rely on the fact that the child can get a job in a field that does not require any prior education. Alternatively, by sending their child to Yeshiva, they educate their child to be able to get a job in Kodesh, such as a Milameid or Maggid Shiur and the like. Nonetheless, every parent must be realistic with the job availabilities in the field that he is intending for his son to support himself in, and hence if the job is not realistic he would be obligated to teach his child an alternative profession.   If a child desires to continue learning in Yeshiva, must the father teach him a trade? If a child desires to continue learning in Yeshiva, and not learn secular studies, he is to be encouraged to do so.[67] Nevertheless, upon the child reaching close to independence, the father is to have him learn for some kind of profession that he can support himself with. Alternatively, the father can rely on the fact that by merely knowing the language of the country the child is able to get a job to support himself, despite not having a specific profession.   Q&A on Secular studies Is teaching secular studies to one’s child required as part of the obligation of teaching a trade? Must a father send his son to college? No. The father can decide to teach the child any trade that he can support himself with. Although many trades require prior secular education, the father is not obligated to teach his son specifically these types of trades.[68] Nevertheless, some aspects of secular education are certainly an obligation for the father to teach his child, as otherwise the child cannot enter into the work force. This would include teaching him the language of the country and perhaps mathematics and other secular subjects the child may need to survive in the workplace, or in a profession.[69] Being that learning these subjects is a Mitzvah, as it prepares the child for getting a job in the future, it is even permitted to learn these subjects in a Shul and Talmud Torah that is designated for Torah learning. College: Many colleges teach matters of heresy and promote an environment that is contrary to Torah and Mitzvos, and hence it is forbidden to send one’s child there.[70] Nevertheless, it is certainly Mitzvah for the father to send his child to learn some kind of profession at a Kosher institution.[71] There is however no obligation to teach the child a sophisticated trade that takes many years to learn in [even a Kosher] college and university, and on the contrary, doing so is discouraged as it removes the person from his main job of learning Torah. It is possible learn a quick and easy trade and support oneself with it.[72]   Should Yeshiva’s and/or Talmud Torah’s teach secular education? Ideally, Yeshiva’s and Talmud Torah’s are not to teach any secular studies as they are to be focused on the sole teaching of Torah, as the fathers obligation of teaching his son a trade can be fulfilled in later years or during other times.[73] The Chabad Chassidim in Russia as led by the Rebbe Rayatz, as well as other sects of Jewry, were Moser Nefesh to prevent secular education from infiltrating the Yeshiva’s. Nevertheless, in today’s generation, teaching secular studies in the Talmud Torah or Yeshiva is vital for the institute’s survival, as otherwise parents will not send their children there, or the government will shut down the institution due to the compulsory education act. It is thus better to have them learn in a Torah environment that contains secular studies, than to have them learn in public school.[74] These secular studies are to be taught towards the end of the day and only for the most minimum amount required.[75] However, once the child has reached an age where compulsory secular education is not required, one is not to teach any secular subjects in the institutions.[76] Teaching English, reading and writing:[77] It is permitted to teach in a Talmud Torah or Shul the countries language, and to read and write, being that learning these subjects is a Mitzvah, as without it a child cannot get a job in the future. Some Poskim[78] however rule that if available, a special room is to be designated for learning these subjects and it is not to be taught in the same room that the children are taught Torah. Trade school:[79] If there are students who are unable to learn in a regular Yeshiva environment, one may establish a Yeshiva that involves teaching the students a trade, and secular studies associated with that trade. However one is not to teach other secular studies in the Yeshiva, more than is necessary according to law, or to learn the trade. Teaching a trade in a regular Yeshiva:[80] One is not to teach a trade in a regular Yeshiva that is made for students who learn Torah throughout the day, in accordance to the schedule established by the Rebbe Rashab, and rather a separate institution is to be established for students who have such a need.   Who should teach the secular subjects?[81] The secular subjects taught to students are to be taught by G-d fearing individuals, and is to be supervised by Torah scholars.

The Rebbe’s perspective on secular education: As stated above, the Rebbe viewed that secular education is only to be taught in schools if it is compulsory by the government, and only to the most minimal level, and at the end of the day. The vast majority of the studies are to be Torah related. The Rebbe did promote opening a Yeshiva trade school for students who are unable to sit in a Yeshiva environment.

Practical Chinuch Guidelines for Parents

➜ 1. View Teaching a Trade as Moral Chinuch, Not Only Financial Preparation
The obligation to teach a trade is rooted in middos and yashrus. A child who cannot support himself may be tempted toward dishonesty or dependency. Teaching a trade is thus a form of preventive chinuch.

 

➜ 2. Prioritize Clean and Honest Livelihoods

Parents should guide their children toward professions that are clean, ethical, and free of dishonesty, inappropriate influence, or unnecessary exposure to sin. Not every well‑paying job is suitable for a ben Torah.

 

➜ 3. Torah Learning Remains the Child’s Primary Occupation

There is no obligation to rush a child into professional training while he is capable and willing to learn Torah. A child may—and should—remain in Yeshiva during his formative years if that is his path.

 

➜ 4. Be Realistic about Parnasa

Parents must honestly assess whether the career path the child is pursuing is realistic. If it becomes clear that a child will need another means of support, the father is obligated to help him prepare accordingly.

 

➜ 5. A Trade Need Not Be Prestigious or Academic

There is no obligation to train a child for a long, elite profession that removes him from Torah for many years. On the contrary, Chazal praise an easy and clean trade that allows for continued Torah learning.

 

➜ 6. Teaching Basic Secular Skills Is Sometimes Necessary

Skills such as language, reading, writing, and basic mathematics may be necessary for earning a livelihood. Teaching these is considered part of the mitzvah of preparing a child for independence.

 

➜ 7. College Is Not a Halachic Requirement

A father is not obligated to send his child to college, especially when the environment promotes values contrary to Torah. If professional training is needed, it should preferably be in a kosher setting and limited to what is essential.

 

➜ 8. Trades Can Be Taught Later, Not Necessarily in Childhood

Many families fulfill this obligation when the child approaches marriage or independence. Delaying trade training does not negate the mitzvah, provided the child is eventually prepared to support himself.

 

 

 

 

Practical Examples

📌 Example 1 – The Stern Family (Balancing Torah and Reality):

The Stern family encouraged their son Yossi to remain in Yeshiva throughout his teenage years. As Yossi approached marriage, his parents helped him learn a practical profession that allowed flexible hours and continued learning. This fulfilled the mitzvah of teaching a trade without compromising Torah growth.

 

📌 Example 2 – The Feldman Family (Avoiding Unrealistic Expectations):

Mr. Feldman hoped his son could support himself as a full‑time educator, but after recognizing the limited job market, he responsibly guided his son Shimon toward an additional trade. This prevented future hardship and resentment while preserving honesty and dignity.

 

📌 Example 3 – The Rubin Family (No College, But a Profession):

The Rubin parents chose not to send their son Avi to college due to the environment. Instead, they arranged for him to learn a trade through a kosher vocational program. Avi gained the ability to support a family without sacrificing his spiritual framework.

 

9. Nurturing Potential skills of a child:

Many children possess unique talents and abilities waiting to be discovered and nurtured. Recognizing and utilizing your child’s skills not only builds their confidence, but also fosters a sense of purpose and accomplishment. When parents actively encourage the development of these natural talents, children are more likely to thrive academically, socially, and emotionally. By helping children harness their skills, families lay the foundation for lifelong resilience, adaptability, and fulfillment, preparing them to contribute meaningfully to their communities and to face future challenges with creativity and self-assurance. The following is a story of a special wood carving skill that was held by the Rebbe Maharash:^[82]

Already from when the Rebbe Maharash was five years old he had revealed a special talent in word carving. He would use small knives to carve beautiful pictures and designs into pieces of wood. An elderly Chassid once offered the child his own special carving knife as a gift if the child would be able to tell him as to where G-d is found. The child responded by taking out his own knife and offering it to the elderly Chassid as a gift if he can tell him as to where G-d is not found. The Chassid smiled and said that with his response he has rightfully earned his carving knife as a gift.

Examples

📌 Example 1 – Artistic Talent Channeled with Kedushah

The Kaplan family noticed that their daughter Mushky loved drawing and creating designs from a very young age. Rather than dismissing this as a hobby or pushing only academic success, her parents encouraged her talent in a healthy way. They provided kosher art materials, enrolled her in a modest art class, and gently guided her to create artwork inspired by Jewish themes and everyday beauty. Over time, Mushky developed confidence and discipline, while her creativity remained aligned with tznius and humility.

 

📌 Example 2 – Practical Skills and Responsibility

From an early age, Shlomo Schneider showed a natural interest in fixing things around the house. His father noticed this and began involving him in simple repairs—changing lightbulbs, assembling furniture, and organizing tools. As Shlomo grew older, his father helped him learn basic electrical and mechanical skills during appropriate times, emphasizing honesty and responsibility. This nurtured Shlomo’s sense of competence and prepared him for future independence, all without detracting from his time in Yeshiva.

 

📌 Example 3 – Leadership and Helping Others

The parents of Rivka Levin observed that she had a natural ability to comfort younger children and take responsibility during family gatherings. Instead of labeling her as “bossy” or overly assertive, they guided her toward positive leadership by encouraging her to help organize children’s activities, assist younger siblings, and participate in chessed initiatives. Rivka learned that leadership is a form of service and responsibility, not control or attention-seeking.

 

📌 Example 4 – Verbal Talent Used for Torah and Chinuch

Young Benny Green demonstrated strong verbal skills and enjoyed explaining ideas to others. His parents encouraged him to review Mishnayos aloud at the Shabbos table and to help younger classmates understand lessons. By guiding his talent toward divrei Torah rather than argument or debate, Benny’s parents nurtured his abilities while refining his middos.

 

10. Teaching your children to swim:

The Talmud^[83] records an opinion that states a father is obligated to teach his son how to swim. The reason recorded in the Talmud^[84] for this is because on this matter “his life is dependent”. This means that since it is possible that if one does not know to swim that he will drown, such as in the event of shipwreck, therefore the father is obligated to teach him to swim to prevent Sakana/danger.^[85] The Rambam, Shulchan Aruch and all later Poskim however omit this ruling of the Talmud. Some Poskim^[86] explain the reason for this is omission is because we do not rule like this opinion in the Gemara, but rather like the first opinion in the Gemara ibid which omits this obligation. [In conclusion, due to the lack of ruling in the Shulchan Aruch and Poskim, although teaching children to swim has Talmudic reference, it is not legally binding on the father. Nonetheless, as is the case with all matters of education, it is a moral duty of the parents to educate their children to avoid dangerous situations, and hence just as parents must teach their children how to cross the street, despite its lack of mention in Poskim, similarly they must teach their children how to swim. Perhaps this is included in the negative command of “Lo Saamod Al Dam Reiacha.”]

Age‑Specific Guidelines for Teaching Children to Swim and Water Safety

Age Group	Parental Responsibility	Focus of Chinuch	Key Safety Rules
Infants & Toddlers (0–3)	Full supervision at all times	Preventing danger	Never leave the child alone near any water (bathtub, bucket, pool). Physical barriers must be in place. No concept of “swimming” yet.
Preschool (4–6)	Constant supervision and rule‑setting	Obedience to safety rules	The child may never enter water without permission. Begin teaching water is dangerous without adult presence.
Elementary (7–10)	Structured instruction	Skill with caution	Formal swim lessons in supervised settings. Teach dangers of depth, fatigue, and overconfidence. No swimming alone.
Pre‑Teen / Early Teen (11–14)	Guidance and reinforcement	Responsibility and judgment	Emphasize buddy systems, no dares, no risky behavior. Ability does not remove danger.
Older Teens (15+)	Education toward self‑accountability	Preserving life independently	Review real‑world scenarios (beaches, boats, camps). Insist on safety norms despite peer pressure.

 

11. Safety- A Fundamental Component of Chinuch

See Chapter 26 Halacha 11 for further details on this subject!

One of the most fundamental and essential responsibilities in chinuch is educating children in matters of personal safety and the preservation of life. Beyond this being a basic parental duty—similar to the responsibility to provide one’s children with food, shelter, and care—it is firmly rooted in both Torah values and halachic obligation. Although the obligation to teach safety is not always spelled out explicitly as an independent mitzvah in the Shulchan Aruch, it is unquestionably included within the broader mitzvos of chinuch which covers all Mitzvas, including the Mitzvah of v’nishmartem me’od lenafshoseichem which is the general Torah mandate to protect one’s health and life. As explained in Chapter 1, a father is obligated to educate his child in all positive and negative Torah commandments, including Rabbinic enactments. Accordingly, any danger from which an adult is obligated to protect himself—whether highlighted by Chazal or known today through scientific and medical knowledge—must likewise be taught to children, according to their level of understanding. It is beyond the scope of this volume to catalogue the hundreds of safety‑related halachos that apply equally to adults and children. These have already been addressed extensively in our multi‑volume Shemiras HaNefesh Encyclopedia, Volumes One and Two, where thousands of physical and Halachic hazards are discussed in detail based on halacha. The focus of this section, therefore, is not to repeat those discussions, but rather to highlight a number of common and practical safety areas that parents must always be mindful of and actively educate their children about, as part of their ongoing responsibility of chinuch and basic human decency.

Key Safety Matters Parents Must Educate Their Children About

➜ Road and Traffic Safety

Crossing streets, obeying traffic signals, visibility at night, bicycle safety, and awareness of vehicles.

 

➜ Water Safety

Swimming safety, supervision near pools, lakes, bathtubs, and the absolute danger of swimming alone.

➜ Fire and Heat Hazards

Matches, lighters, stovetops, kettles, candles, hot surfaces, and emergency behavior in case of fire.

 

➜ Electrical Safety

Outlets, exposed wires, appliances, extension cords, and water near electricity.

 

➜ Stranger and Personal Safety

Recognizing unsafe situations, not going with strangers, appropriate boundaries, and seeking help.

 

➜ Digital and Online Safety

Internet use, devices, inappropriate content, online strangers, and responsible screen behavior.

 

➜ Home Safety

Windows, balconies, stairs, furniture tipping, sharp objects, and household tools.

 

➜ Health and Hygiene Awareness

Medication safety, not ingesting unknown substances, cleanliness, and disease prevention.

 

➜ Outdoor and Environmental Hazards

Construction sites, animals, extreme weather, poisonous plants, and unsafe areas.

 

➜ School, Camp, and Public Space Safety

Following rules, knowing emergency procedures, reporting unsafe behavior, and situational awareness.

 

Chinuch Takeaway

Teaching safety is not instilling fear—it is teaching responsibility, awareness, and respect for life. When parents consistently educate their children in safe behavior, they are fulfilling both their parental role and a core Torah value: guarding the precious gift of life entrusted to us.

Practical Safety Chinuch Examples

📌 Example 1 – Road Safety (Early Habit Formation)

The Berman family taught their young son Moishe from the age of four that he never crosses the street without holding an adult’s hand. Even on quiet streets, his parents calmly repeated the rule and explained that cars cannot always stop quickly. Over time, Moishe internalized that street safety is not negotiable, and as he grew older, he naturally checked both directions before crossing.

 

📌 Example 2 – Water Safety (Preventive Education)
When the Levin family planned a summer getaway that included a swimming pool, they sat down with their children beforehand. They explained to Chaya (age seven) and Yossi (age nine) that no swimming is ever allowed without parental permission and supervision. This conversation—held calmly and clearly—prevented risky behavior and taught the children that water safety is part of guarding life, not a restriction.

 

📌 Example 3 – Fire and Heat Hazards (Clear Boundaries)

Mrs. Katz noticed her five‑year‑old daughter Rivky reaching toward the stovetop while she was cooking. Instead of yelling, she firmly removed Rivky’s hand and explained that fire and hot surfaces can severely hurt a person. She then created a designated “safe zone” line near the kitchen entrance. Rivky quickly learned where she may and may not stand, preventing future danger.

📌 Example 4 – Stranger Awareness (Personal Safety)

The Weiss parents taught their children that although most people are good, they may never go anywhere with someone without explicit parental permission. When seven‑year‑old Mendy was once offered candy by a stranger outside a grocery store, he immediately stepped back and informed his parents—demonstrating that early safety chinuch can prevent serious harm.

 

📌 Example 5 – Medication and Household Hazards

In the Rosenfeld home, all medications and cleaning supplies were kept locked away. The parents repeatedly taught their children that medicine is only taken when given by a parent. When three‑year‑old Sarah once found a pill that had fallen on the floor, she brought it directly to her mother rather than putting it in her mouth—showing effective, age‑appropriate safety instruction.

 

📌 Example 6 – Digital Safety (Modern Hazards)

The Greenwald family established rules that screens are only used in common areas and with a filter. They explained to their son Avi that some images and messages online are dangerous and that he should inform his parents immediately if he sees anything uncomfortable. This proactive guidance helped Avi develop responsibility and trust rather than secrecy.

General Safety Chinuch – Key Areas Parents Must Teach

Safety Area	Parental Chinuch Responsibility	Core Message to the Child
Road & Traffic Safety	Teach children how to cross streets, obey signals, and never assume vehicles will stop	Life is precious; always be cautious around cars
Water Safety	Supervise near all water; teach swimming and strict water rules	Water is dangerous without permission and supervision
Fire & Heat Hazards	Educate about stoves, candles, heaters, matches, and burns	Fire helps when controlled and harms when misused
Electrical Safety	Teach children not to touch outlets, wires, or appliances	Electricity can seriously injure or kill
Stranger & Personal Safety	Teach clear boundaries and when to seek help	Your body is yours, and safety comes first
Home Safety	Windows, balconies, stairs, sharp objects, furniture	The home must be used carefully
Medication & Substances	Teach never to ingest unknown items	Only parents give medicine
Internet & Digital Safety	Supervise devices; explain online dangers	Not everything online is safe or appropriate
Outdoor & Environmental Hazards	Construction sites, animals, weather dangers	Avoid unsafe areas and situations
School, Camp & Public Areas	Teach rules, awareness, and emergency steps	Follow rules and speak up when unsafe

 

 

 

12. Marriage: Preparing a Child for Marriage – Chinuch for Lasting Shalom Bayis

It is a mitzvah upon a father to marry off his son and daughter.^[87]  However, this mitzvah does not begin at the stage of finding a wife or husband, nor is it fulfilled merely by arranging the marriage or bearing the wedding expenses. Rather, it begins much earlier, through long‑term chinuch in which parents prepare their children to become emotionally, mentally, and spiritually healthy spouses, capable of building a lasting marriage and true shalom bayis.

The mitzvah upon a father to marry off his son and daughter does not begin at the point of engagement, nor is it fulfilled merely by arranging a shidduch or paying for a wedding. Rather, this mitzvah is the culmination of a long and gradual process of chinuch, beginning many years earlier, through which a child is prepared to become a healthy, responsible, and emotionally balanced spouse.

A lasting marriage and true shalom bayis are not built overnight. They are the product of habits, attitudes, communication styles, and emotional patterns that a child absorbs primarily within the home. Long before a child learns how to search for a spouse, he or she must learn how to live with another person, how to manage frustration, how to communicate respectfully, how to give in, how to accept responsibility, and how to maintain peace even in times of disagreement.

For this reason, the home itself serves as the primary classroom for preparing a child for marriage. Parents educate their children not only through words, but—far more powerfully—through the example they set in their own relationship.

Practical Chinuch Principles for Preparing Children for Marriage

➜ 1. Model Respect Between Spouses at Home

Children learn what marriage looks like by watching how their parents speak to one another. Respectful language, patience, and consideration teach far more than lectures about shalom bayis.

 

➜ 2. Teach Healthy Communication Through Daily Interaction

Parents should speak calmly, avoid yelling, sarcasm, or humiliation, and demonstrate how to express disagreement respectfully. Children who witness constructive communication internalize it as normal.

 

➜ 3. Show How to Handle Disagreements Peacefully

A home free of all conflict is unrealistic, but a home where disagreements are resolved calmly and respectfully is invaluable. Children who see parents making peace learn that conflict is not a threat to relationships.

 

➜ 4. Avoid Speaking Negatively About One’s Spouse

Complaints, ridicule, or disparaging remarks—even in jest—leave a deep impression. Children internalize these attitudes and may later replicate them in their own marriages.

 

➜ 5. Teach Responsibility and Contribution to the Home

Children should be accustomed to helping, giving, and carrying responsibility. A spouse who cannot give or contribute struggles to build a stable home.

 

➜ 6. Train Emotional Regulation from a Young Age

Helping a child learn patience, self‑control, and delayed gratification lays groundwork for marital stability, where emotional maturity is essential.

 

➜ 7. Encourage Empathy and Sensitivity

Children should be taught to notice the feelings and needs of others. Empathy is a cornerstone of shalom bayis.

 

➜ 8. Maintain Modesty and Proper Boundaries

Healthy attitudes toward modesty and personal space prepare children for appropriate marital relationships later in life.

 

➜ 9. Demonstrate Apology and Forgiveness

Parents who admit mistakes and apologize teach children humility and the ability to repair relationships—vital skills for marriage.

 

➜ 10. Speak About Marriage Positively and Respectfully

Marriage should be presented as a partnership built on mutual respect, responsibility, and kedushah—not fear, control, or obligation alone.

 

Practical Examples

📌 Example 1 – Respectful Disagreement:

The Weinberg children noticed that when their parents disagreed, their voices remained calm. Even when resolving serious issues, Mr. and Mrs. Weinberg spoke respectfully and later expressed appreciation for one another. Their children absorbed the message that disagreement does not negate love or respect—a crucial lesson for future marriage.

 

📌 Example 2 – Modeling Apology:

When Mrs. Goldman once spoke harshly in a moment of stress, she later apologized openly to both her husband and children. This taught her children that strength includes owning one’s mistakes and repairing relationships.

 

📌 Example 3 – Teaching Giving and Responsibility:

In the Levin home, children were given age‑appropriate household responsibilities and encouraged to help one another. This instilled a sense that family life requires effort and cooperation—essential preparation for married life.

 

Chinuch Takeaway

Preparing a child for marriage begins long before shidduchim are discussed. Children absorb models of communication, conflict resolution, respect, and emotional responsibility every day in the home. When parents consciously cultivate an atmosphere of dignity, peace, and cooperation, they are fulfilling the mitzvah of preparing their children for a bayis ne’eman beYisrael—one built on true shalom bayis.

 

Addressing Character and Emotional Challenges as Part of Preparing a Child for Marriage

An often overlooked—but absolutely critical—aspect of preparing a child for marriage is a parent’s responsibility to recognize and address character traits or emotional challenges that can severely undermine marital harmony if left untreated.

If a parent observes that a child consistently displays traits such as excessive egotism, domineering or controlling behavior, inability to compromise, difficulty listening to another’s perspective, refusal to accept blame, emotional coldness, or difficulty giving or receiving love, it is not sufficient to assume that “marriage will fix it.” On the contrary, such traits tend to intensify within marriage and become a source of ongoing friction, pain, and broken shalom bayis.

Similarly, when a child carries unresolved emotional baggage—whether stemming from personal struggle, past experiences, family dynamics, or mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, chronic anger, or emotional withdrawal—parents may not ignore this under the assumption that it is merely a phase. These issues do not disappear on their own, and if unaddressed, they often emerge with greater force in close relationships.

Accordingly, helping a child work through these challenges is part and parcel of the mitzvah of preparing them for marriage. Just as a father must help his child acquire the practical tools needed to support a household, so too must he help his child develop the emotional and character tools necessary to sustain a marriage.

This responsibility may, and often does, include seeking appropriate assistance—such as professional therapy, counseling, or other structured forms of guidance—when needed. Doing so is not a sign of parental failure, but an expression of foresight, responsibility, and care. Addressing such issues earlier, while a child is still under parental guidance, is far more effective than delaying intervention until the pressures of marriage expose and exacerbate them.

It must be emphasized that this form of chinuch is not accomplished through preaching alone. Parents must also reflect honestly on the home environment, ensuring that children are not absorbing unhealthy patterns of control, emotional distance, unresolved conflict, or disrespect through daily observation. A child cannot be expected to enter marriage with emotional maturity if such maturity was never modeled for them.

Practical Examples

📌 Example 1 – Addressing Control and Ego:

The parents of Yaakov Rosen noticed that their teenage son often insisted on having things his way and struggled to consider others’ viewpoints. Rather than dismissing this as confidence, they gently but consistently worked with him on listening skills and accountability. When needed, they arranged guided counseling sessions to help Yaakov develop empathy and flexibility—long before shidduchim were discussed.

 

📌 Example 2 – Emotional Withdrawal and Anxiety:

The Blum family observed that their daughter Chani had difficulty expressing emotions and avoided deep interpersonal connection, coupled with ongoing anxiety. Recognizing the potential impact on future marriage, her parents sought professional help early, normalizing healthy emotional expression rather than waiting until engagement to confront the issue under pressure.

 

📌 Example 3 – Learning to Accept Responsibility:

In the Katz household, when their son Moshe consistently deflected blame during conflicts with siblings, his parents viewed this as an opportunity for chinuch, not indulgence. They guided him to take responsibility and modeled apology and repair themselves, ensuring Moshe would one day enter marriage equipped to take ownership rather than escalate conflict.

 

 

 

Chinuch Takeaway

Preparing a child for marriage does not mean raising a flawless individual. It means recognizing real challenges early and addressing them with responsibility, honesty, and care. Parents who take this role seriously are not interfering in their children’s future—they are safeguarding it. Helping a child grow emotionally and character‑wise is among the greatest acts of chinuch, and one of the most profound ways to fulfill the mitzvah of marrying off one’s children with the hope of lasting shalom bayis. It is a serious mistake to assume that marriage itself will “fix” these issues. On the contrary, marital life tends to amplify pre‑existing traits. A tendency toward control, ego, emotional withdrawal, or inability to compromise that is merely inconvenient in adolescence can become destructive within marriage.

Character and Emotional Patterns That Should Be Addressed as Part of Preparing a Child for Marriage

Observed Pattern	How It Commonly Manifests	Potential Impact on Marriage if Unaddressed
1. Excessive Egotism / Narcissistic Traits	Cannot tolerate criticism, constant need to be right or admired	Prevents mutual respect, empathy, and true partnership
2. Controlling or Domineering Behavior	Needs to dominate decisions; becomes upset when challenged	Creates power struggles and emotional suffocation
3. Inability to Compromise	Sees compromise as weakness or loss	Marriage requires flexibility; rigidity leads to conflict
4. Poor Conflict Management	Interrupts, escalates arguments, personalizes disagreements	Makes disagreements destructive rather than productive
5. Refusal to Accept Responsibility	Blames others; avoids apology or accountability	Prevents repair and reconciliation after conflict
6. Difficulty Giving or Receiving Love	Emotional coldness, fear of vulnerability, distancing	Undermines emotional intimacy and connection
7. Chronic Anger or Irritability	Low frustration tolerance, frequent outbursts	Creates an unsafe emotional environment
8. Persistent Depression or Withdrawal	Hopelessness, disengagement, low motivation	Heavy emotional strain on spouse and relationship
9. Anxiety that Affects Functioning	Excessive fear, over‑control, dependence	Impairs decision‑making and balance in marriage
10. Unresolved Emotional Baggage or Trauma	Trust issues, emotional numbing, over‑reactivity	Past pain resurfaces and damages present relationships

 

 

 

[1] Likkutei Sichos 19:93; Toras Menachem 5743 2:899; 3:1342; 5749 2:291; Sichas Kodesh 5741 1:246; Igros Kodesh 22:494; Shaareiy Chinuch pp. 51-57

[2] Moreh Lidur Navuch p. 177; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 85

[3] See Avodas Yisrael Avos 3:12; Notzer Chesed on Avos ibid; Chelkas Yehoshua mamar 6:1; Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:6; See Toras Hakatan [Rubinovitch] Chapter 10:5-14

[4] Hilchos Talmud Torah Chapter 1 Halacha 6 “And likewise, the father must guide him in the path of moral conduct and fear of Heaven in all his ways and behaviors, while his authority over his son remains firm—that is, until the son reaches the age of twenty‑four years. As it is stated: ‘Train a child according to his way; even when he grows old he will not depart from it’ (Proverbs 22:6). This training refers to the formative path that will shape his conduct throughout his life. Such education is to be carried out during his youth, specifically from the age of sixteen until the age of twenty‑four, for before the age of sixteen a child lacks sufficient maturity to fully accept rebuke. Excessive discipline and admonition should not be imposed too early, and beyond the age of twenty‑four there is concern that the son may rebel.”; Kaf Hachaim 343:25; Igros Kodesh Vol. 25 pp. 142-144

[5] Shelah Shaar Haosiyos Derech Eretz “from two or three years of age and onward, that goodness should become part of his natural character… and that he be accustomed to awe of his father, to be fearful and reverent…. But if during his youth one shows him excessive affection, then afterward, when he grows older, he will turn his ear away from listening to his father and mother….”

[6] Rambam Geneiva 1:10; Maggid Mishneh Geneiva 1:10 in name of Rambam; Bach 343 in end; Beir Hagoleh C.M. 349:5; Chayeh Adam 66:5; P”M 343 M”Z 2; M”B 343:9 in name of P”M and other Achronim; Kaf Hachaim 343:26; Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:2 and 6; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 200

[7] M”B 343:3; Kaf Hachaim 343:25; Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:6

[8] According to the letter of the law, this obligation applies only to the father, and only once the child has reached the age of chinuch, as explained in Chapter 1. However, it is proper conduct for both parents—the father and the mother—to reprimand a child who engages in such behavior. This applies even when the child has not yet reached the age of chinuch, as part of appropriate parental guidance and moral education.

[9] Pela Hayoeitz “Sheker”

[10] Igros Moshe C.M. 2:30; Shevet Halevi 10:163; Mishneh Halachos 7:275; Imrei Yaakov 7 Likkutim 5; Yoru Mishpatecha 1 p. 224; Lireiacha Kamocha 1 3:75;

[11] See Admur O.C. 156:2 [regarding the prohibition of lying in monetary and business contexts]; Admur Hilchos Gezeila Ugeneiva Halacha 4 [stealing]; Admur Hilchos Onah 11–12 [Geneivas Daas]; Michaber C.M. 156:1; 228:6; Rama C.M. 348:2; Rambam Deios 2:6; Geneiva 7:8; Gezeila Veaveida 1:4; Mechira 18:1 and 3; Mordechai Remez 158 in name of Ravayah; Semag Asei 74; Chulin 94a; Semak 262; Rambam in Pirush hamishnayos Keilim 12:7 that those people who mistakenly think that it is permitted to scam a Gentile are making a grave mistake. All types of trickery and scams are forbidden even towards a Gentile, and certainly if this will involve a desecration of God’s name. Those who do so are considered to be doing an abomination in the eyes of God; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Gezel Hagoy Vol. 5

[12] Rama Y.D. 233:1

[13] Admur 156:14; M”A 156; Semag Lavin 9; Hagahos Maimanis end of Hilchos Deios; Yuma 4b; Chikikeiy Lev

[14] Likkutei Sichos 15:134; Sichos Kodesh 5741 4:144; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 93-94

[15] Kaf Hachaim 343:25

[16] According to the letter of the law, this obligation applies only to the father, and only once the child has reached the age of chinuch, as explained in Chapter 1. However, it is proper conduct for both parents—the father and the mother—to reprimand a child who engages in such behavior. This applies even when the child has not yet reached the age of chinuch, as part of appropriate parental guidance and moral education.

[17] Igros Kodesh Vol. 25 pp. 142-144

[18] Igros Kodesh Vol. 25 pp. 142-144

[19] Chelkas Yehoshua Mamar 1

[20] See Toras Hakatan [Rubinovitch] Chapter 2:30-32; Likkutei Sichos 16:625; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 153

[21] See Sefer Hachaim 3:5; Kinyan Torah 1:132

[22] Ahavas Chesed 3:2; Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:6

[23] Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:2 and 6; Shaareiy Chinuch pp. 140-144

[24] Sefer Chassidim 10 “and not seeing women…one is to educate his children from a young age in order so when he becomes older he not stumble”; Shelah Hakadosh Shaar Haosiyos Erech Derech Eretz; Shoel Umeishiv Basra 4:44; Or Sameiach on Rambam Rotzieach 1:13; Salmas Chaim 689 [Hilchos Harchaka Min Arayos 64]; Mishneh Halachos 12/296; Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:2

[25] Shoel Umeishiv Basra 4:44; Or Sameiach on Rambam Rotzieach 1:13; Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:2

[26] Sefer Chassidim 10 “and not seeing women…one is to educate his children from a young age in order so when he becomes older he not stumble”; Salmas Chaim 689 [Hilchos Harchaka Min Arayos 64]; Mishneh Halachos 12/296

[27] Sefer Chassidim 238; Shlah; Sifrei Mussar; Mamar Mordechai 560:1; Kaf Hachaim 560:29; Shaar Hatziyon 560:25; Toras Menachem 1987 2:647

[28] Sichas Kodesh 5741 1:247

[29] Rama Yoreh Deah 81:7 regarding an infant eating milk from a gentile, as explained in Shach 81:26; M”A 343:2; Tosefes Shabbos 343:2; Kaf Hachaim 343:11; Ketzos Hashulchan 147 footnote 4; Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:9; See Pri Chadash (Yoreh De’ah, siman 81, se’if katan 26) who already protested and cried out sharply about this matter, stating as follows: Since in our times people are not careful with these matters of forbidden foods, most children go astray, and most of the insolent individuals of our generation lack any fear of Heaven that penetrates their hearts. Even when they are rebuked directly, they are not receptive to moral instruction. And who is greater for us than Elisha ben Avuyah? For he did not come to that path because of any later deed of his own, but rather because his mother, who was pregnant with him, passed by a place where food was being cooked for idolatry. She smelled it and felt a need to eat from it, and that substance permeated him like the venom of a snake.”

Time‑Dependent Prohibitions: The Achronim have discussed whether this negative effect applies also to permitted foods that become prohibited due to time-related restrictions, such as chametz on Passover, eating on Yom Kippur, and eating matzah on the day before Passover. [See Darkei Teshuvah 81:90; Ketzos Hashulchan 147 footnote 4] From the words of the Gemara in Yoma (82b), which discusses a pregnant woman who smelled food on Yom Kippur, it is evident that this category is also included. [Arugas Habosem O.C. 138] Nevertheless, it is certainly forbidden to be stringent in a situation involving even a possible danger to life, and the ruling must be determined according to the judgment of the halachic authority in each case. However, allowing a minor to eat before kiddush or havdalah is clearly more lenient according to all opinions, since this prohibition is merely a rabbinic safeguard enacted out of respect for the sanctity of the day. [Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:9]

[30] Chanoch Lanaar 7 footnote 5 in name of Malei Haroim; Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:2; See Shach Y.D. 81:26

[31] Rama Yoreh Deah 81:7

[32] See Shaareiy Chinuch pp. 125-135

[33] Hisvadyus 5742 3:1705

[34] Likkutei Sichos 3:792; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 126

[35] Sichos Kodesh 5714; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 127

[36] See and Rav Ovadia Bartenura on Avos 2:8; Yerushalmi Yevamos 1:6; Pela Yoeitz Erech Yonkei Shadayim; Shevach Habris 3:8

[37] Hisvadyus 5742 3:1705

[38] Hisvadyus 5742 3:1705

[39] Hisvadyus 5742 3:1705

[40] See Likkutei Sichos Vol. 36 Sicha 1; 14:279; Sefer Hasichos 5747 1:327; 2:647; Likkutei Sichos 26:420; Shevach Habris 3:9; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 151 and 154

[41] Hisvadyus 5747 2:647; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 151

[42] See Sichos 11^th-13^th Nissan 5741; Likkutei Sichos Nitzavim Vol. 24 Sicha 2; Likkutei Sichos 23:17 Shavuos 1; Sichos Kodesh 5728 1:382, printed in Shulchan Menachem 1:22; 6:191; Michaber Y.D. 270:2; Rambam Sefer Torah 6:1; Rava Sanhedrin 21b; See Nitei Gavriel Sefer Torah chapters 1-6Shevach Habris 3:10

[43] https://www.kidstorah.org/

[44] Toras Menachem 5747 2:647; Sefer Hasichos 1992 p. 89; Likkutei Dibburim Likkut 32 Vol. 4 p. 784 “When I was three years old twice a day, in the morning upon awakening and at night upon going to sleep, my mother would lift me up to kiss the Mezuzah.”; Shevach Habris 3:7

[45] Kitzur SHU”A 71:4 “Prior to going to bed one is to walk to the Mezuzah and place his hands on it and say “Hashem Shomri…”

[46] See Likkutei Dibburim Likkut 32 for a fascinating story on this matter!

[47] Toras Menachem 5742 2:816; 5749 2:37; Shevach Habris 3:35

[48] Toras Menachem 5749 2:37

[49] Toras Menachem 5742 2:816 that so is the custom today of all Israel

[50] Toras Menachem 5742 2:816; See Igros Kodesh Rayatz 2:438; Brought in Hayom Yom 4th Iyar; Sefer Haminhagim p. 87; Igros Kodesh 5:21

[51] Hisvadyus 1982 4/2190

[52] Hisvadyus 1988 vol. 3 p. 153 footnote 25

[53] See Hiskashrus 957 p. 14; Al Minhagim Umikoroseihem [Bloy] p. 87

[54] Hisvadyus 1982 4/2190

[55] However, in a private directive to Rabbi Shmuel Lew, the Rebbe is quoted to have told him to receive an Aliyah prior to the birthday of his daughter. [See Hiskashrus ibid]

[56] See Al Minhagim Umikoroseihem ibid

[57] Admur 156:2; 306:13; M”A 156:2; 306:13; Kiddushin 29a and 30b; Shabbos 150a; Koheles Raba 9:1; Sifra Emore Parsah 1; Mechilta Rebbe Yishmael Bo 18; Biur Halacha 306 “Ulilamdo”; Omitted from Rambam, Michaber, Rama

Other opinions: The Mishneh Kiddushin 82a brings the opinion of Rav Nehoraiy who says “I leave all the occupations of the world, and teach my son only Torah, as only Torah will truly protect one in all situations.” Seemingly this statement of Rav Nehoraiy disputes the earlier statement of the Gemara. [See Biur Halacha ibid] However the Mefarshim offer several explanations in attempt to reconcile this statement with the previous statement of the Gemara. These are as follows: 1) Rebbe Nehoraiy agrees that one must teach his son a trade, however he is saying that the trade should be the temporary activity of the child while Torah learning the primary occupation. [Maharsha Chidushei Agados Kiddushin ibid] 2) Rebbe Nehoraiy is discussing a specific scenario where the child is of exceptional genius and will become a great Torah scholar who will be supported by the public. [Pnei Yehoshua Kiddushin ibid; See also Sefer Habris 2:12-10; Hamakneh Keddushin ibid; Aruch Hashulchan Y.D. 245:9; Tzitz Eliezer 12:33; Mishneh Halachos 16:96; Yechaveh Daas 5:56] 3) The Mitzvah to teach the child a trade mainly applies in Eretz Yisrael, due to the Mitzvah of Yishuv Haretz. Rebbe Nehoraiy was speaking of the diaspora. [Chasam Sofer Sukkah 36a]

Opinion of Rambam: The Rambam, as well as the Shulchan Aruch, omit the above obligation mentioned in Kiddushin. Various explanations have been given as to the reason for this omission and if in truth the Rmabam disregards this obligation or not. See Binyan Tziyon 125; Igros Moshe O.C. 2:111

[58] The reason: As if he does not have a way of making income he will end up stealing from people in order to support himself. [Admur ibid]

[59] Mechilta Rebbe Yishmael ibid

The proof: This is learned from the verse “Uvcharta Bachaim” and Chaim refers to livelihood. [Mechilta Rebbe Yishmael ibid] Alternatively, it is learned from the verse “Riei Chaim Im Isha Ashe Ahavta”, and just like it is an obligation to marry off ones son, so too it is an obligation to teach his a trade which is life. [Kiddushin ibid]

[60] Ran Kiddushin 12b; Meiri Kiddushin 29a

[61] Mechilta of Rashbi 20:10; Sifra Emor Parsha 1

[62] Maharam Shick 163; Hamakneh Kiddushin 30b

[63] See Kesubos 50a that in Usha they instituted to teach the child a trade after 12 years old. Seemingly this refers toa  child that is incapable of Torah learning;

[64] There are also numerous Poskim who mention the allowance of teaching secular studies for children in a Talmud Torah as part of the fathers obligation of teaching him a trade. [See Sefer Haitim p. 175 in name of Rav Haiy Gaon regarding teaching Arabic and math; Yabia Omer 7:21]

[65] Rebbe Meir in Kiddushin 82b

[66] Igros Moshe Y.D. 4:36 that it is possible learn a quick and easy trade and support oneself with it, and those who want to learn professions that take lots of preparation and study, such as a doctor or lawyer rather than learn in Yeshiva, are certainly following the advice of the Yetzer Hara.

[67] Mishneh Halachos 16:96; Yechaveh Daas 5:56

[68] See Igros Moshe Y.D. 4:36

[69] Zera Emes Y.D. 107 p. 119a “Now that we are in exile, we must teach our children how to read and write the language of the country at a young age as otherwise they will be unable to get a job”; Shaareiy Rachamim 2 Y.D. 23 and Hod Yosef 1; Nachals Yisrael Sheiris Hanachala p. 10; Sefer Haitim p. 175 in name of Rav Haiy Gaon regarding teaching Arabic and math; Yabia Omer 7:21

[70] Mishneh Halachos 16:96

[71] Mishneh Halachos ibid

[72] Igros Moshe Y.D. 4:36 that it is possible learn a quick and easy trade and support oneself with it, and those who want to learn professions that take lots of preparation and study, such as a doctor or lawyer rather than learn in Yeshiva, are certainly following the advice of the Yetzer Hara.

[73] Igros Kodesh 9:188; 213; Likkutei Sichos 16:145; Meishiv Davar 1:44; Igros Moshe Y.D. 3:81

[74] Igros Kodesh ibid; Likkutei Sichos 16:145; Igros Moshe ibid

[75] Likkutei Sichos 16:145; Sichas and letters printed in Shaareiy Chinuch p. 295-299

[76] Igros Kodesh ibid

[77] Shaareiy Rachamim 2 Y.D. 23 and Hod Yosef 1; Nachals Yisrael Sheiris Hanachala p. 10; Sefer Haitim p. 175 in name of Rav Haiy Gaon regarding teaching Arabic and math; Yabia Omer 7:21

[78] Shaareiy Rachamim ibid in his conclusion

[79] Igros Kodesh 5:297 and 9:188; The Rebbe established a trade school in Kefar Chabad in 1955 for such students. See here for more information: http:::beismoshiachmagazine.org:katavot:2016:5:21:379539933510.html

[80] Igros Kodesh 5:297

[81] Zera Emes Y.D. 107 p. 119a

[82] Reshimos Devarim 1:143; Haparsha Hachassidit 1 p. 349

[83] Kiddushin 29a

[84] Kiddushin 30b

[85] Rashi Kiddushin 29a

[86] Binyan Tziyon 125

[87] Rama E.H. 71:1; Chelkas Mechokeik 71:2; Kiddushin 29a – 30b; Kesubos 52b; Mechilta Bo 13:13; Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Rambam Issureiy Biyah 1:25; Maharil Diskin 1:25; Maharam Alshikor 72; Chasam Sofer Y.D. 231; Yifei Laleiv 4:1-3; Tzedaka Umishpat [Bloy] 6 footnote 14; Yashiv Yitzchak 43:63-64