📖 Chapter 6: The Method of Chinuch – Practical Guidelines for Real‑Life Chinuch Challenges and Dilemmas

 

1. Morning Routines – Helping Young Children Start the Day

The challenge for parents: Few daily experiences are as consistently exhausting for parents as getting children up and ready for school. The repeated prompting, emotional resistance, time pressure, and sense of beginning the day already depleted can drain even the most patient caregiver before the morning has truly begun. Over time, these strained mornings do not merely consume time; they erode parental energy, strain the parent‑child relationship, and set a tense emotional tone for the entire household.

The challenge for children: Mornings are also one of the most cognitively and emotionally demanding transitions of the day for children, and often one of the most draining for parents. From a psychological perspective, the challenge is not defiance or laziness, but the fact that children are required to execute multiple tasks at a time when executive functioning, emotional regulation, and motivation are at their lowest. Clinical research in child development consistently shows that faster, calmer mornings are achieved not through pressure, repetition, or verbal prompting, but through structure, predictability, and reduced cognitive load.

Consistency: The cornerstone of an effective morning routine is consistency. When wake‑up time, task order, and expectations remain stable from day to day, the child’s brain shifts from decision‑making to automatic execution. Predictable routines reduce anxiety, limit resistance, and allow the child to move through the morning with less emotional friction. For this reason, even a simple routine—repeated faithfully—is more effective than a complex routine inconsistently applied.

Preparing the night before: Equally important is shifting as much preparation as possible to the night before. From a neurological standpoint, mornings are a poor time for planning and organization. Preparing clothing, school materials, lunches, and schedules in advance dramatically reduces the number of decisions a child must make upon waking, which in turn shortens preparation time and reduces conflict. What feels like laziness in the morning is often cognitive overload.

Charts and Checklists: Visual supports further enhance efficiency. Charts, checklists, or posted routines externalize memory and sequencing, allowing the child to rely less on parental reminders and more on visual cues. This is especially effective for children who struggle with attention, transitions, or multi‑step tasks. When expectations are visible rather than verbal, power struggles decrease and independence increases.

Shouting instructions: Tasks themselves must be developmentally realistic. Broad directives such as “get ready” or “hurry up” are neurologically vague and often ineffective. Children move more efficiently when routines are broken into concrete, sequential actions. This approach reduces overwhelm and allows progress to be measured and reinforced step by step.

Motivation: Motivation also plays a critical role. Research consistently favors positive reinforcement over repeated correction. Calm acknowledgment of effort, consistency in expectations, and small, predictable incentives strengthen routine adherence far more effectively than nagging or urgency. Over time, reinforced behaviors become habitual, reducing the need for external motivation altogether.

Proper Sleep: Finally, no discussion of morning efficiency is complete without addressing sleep and emotional regulation. Studies referenced by pediatric sleep specialists at institutions such as Boston Children’s Hospital confirm that insufficient or inconsistent sleep dramatically worsens morning behavior. Children who are overtired or who begin the day in a tense emotional climate will move more slowly and resist more strongly. Parental calm, steady pacing, and emotional containment are therefore not optional extras, but central components of an effective morning routine. Likewise, children mirror adult emotional states; when parental interactions are tense or rushed, resistance increases. Calm, regulated parenting is therefore not a courtesy—it is a neurological prerequisite for cooperation.

 

List of Practical Morning Tactics

• Keep the morning routine the same every day
• Wake children up at the same time each morning
• Get as much ready as possible the night before (clothes, bags, lunches)
• Avoid making decisions in the morning whenever possible
• Use a simple chart or checklist instead of repeating instructions
• Give clear, small steps instead of saying “get ready”
• Use a timer or alarm to show when it’s time to move on
• Stay calm and steady, even when time is short
• Do not make promises unless you are sure you will keep them
• Make sure rewards and consequences actually happen
• Avoid repeated nagging or rushing
• Make sure children get enough sleep
• Slowly give children more responsibility as they get older
• Use clear expectations instead of pressure

 

Example:
Rivka tells her daughter Sara in the evening, “If you get dressed right away tomorrow morning and we leave the house on time, we’ll have a few extra minutes to read together before school.” The next morning, Sara rushes to get dressed and waits eagerly by the door. When the time comes, Rivka is distracted by last‑minute tasks and says, “Not today—we’re already late,” and they leave immediately. To Rivka, the delay seems unavoidable and insignificant. To Sara, however, the message is clear: effort does not reliably lead to outcomes, and incentives are not meant to be taken seriously. Over time, such experiences weaken motivation and teach the child that promises—even well‑intentioned ones—are provisional and expendable.

 

Example:
A father tells his son Moshe, “You need to be downstairs by 7:30 or we’re leaving without breakfast.” Morning after morning, Moshe drags his feet, yet the family still waits, prepares food, and rushes out late together. Although the father believes he has communicated a firm expectation, Moshe has learned something very different: deadlines are flexible, consequences are negotiable, and words do not necessarily reflect reality. The result is not defiance but habituation to inconsistency, which inevitably reproduces itself in the child’s own relationship to time, responsibility, and authority.

 

Example:
Leah’s three‑and‑a‑half‑year‑old son, Dovid, begins crying loudly when it is time to put on his shoes for preschool. He drops to the floor, kicks his feet, and shouts that he is not going to school. Leah does not argue, threaten, or give a long explanation. She crouches down to Dovid’s level and says calmly, “You are upset. I see you don’t want to go.” She waits quietly until his crying slows, remaining close and steady.

After a short moment, Leah states simply and firmly, “It is a school day, and we are going to school. I will help you with your shoes, or you can put them on yourself.” When Dovid continues to cry, Leah gently picks up the shoes and helps him put them on without anger or urgency. She does not offer rewards or cancel school, nor does she raise her voice. By staying calm, acknowledging his feelings, and following through consistently, Leah teaches Dovid that strong emotions are allowed—but the routine remains the same. Over time, Dovid learns that tantrums do not change expectations, and mornings become shorter and calmer.

Age‑Appropriate Morning Supports

Age	Developmental Focus	Most Effective Supports
2–4	Emerging self‑control; concrete thinking	Visual routines, night‑before prep, single‑step guidance
5–7	Habit formation; early independence	Simple checklists, timers, consistent praise
8–10	Expanding executive skills; time awareness	Written routines, countdown cues, responsibility for prep
11–13	Biological sleep shifts; autonomy	Fixed wake times, limited reminders, clear accountability
14–18	Independence and self‑management	Stable structure, minimal micromanagement, natural consequences

 

2. Allowances – Allowances and Children: Considering the Practice with Care [1]

This article was written based on the experience and personal wisdom of the author, a father of twelve children, alongside insights drawn from leading research in the fields of child development, psychology, and financial education. The material was carefully organized with the assistance of an AI tool to ensure clarity and balance. The purpose of this article is not to promote or oppose any particular method of giving children money, but rather to present the various approaches commonly used by parents, together with the potential benefits and drawbacks of each, so that every family may consider and decide what is most appropriate for their own values and circumstances.

 

Many parents are accustomed to giving their children a fixed weekly allowance of money, often beginning in early childhood. Others choose not to follow this practice, providing money only when a specific need arises. Both approaches are common, and both are usually motivated by a sincere desire to raise children who are responsible, independent, and prepared for adulthood.

The question of whether children should receive an allowance is therefore not primarily about money itself, but about education, values, and character. Parents naturally ask whether a regular allowance promotes responsibility or whether it risks fostering dependency and entitlement. Over time, clinicians, child psychologists, and researchers in financial education have examined these questions, offering insights that can help families reflect thoughtfully on their own practices.

The Pros: One argument in favor of allowances is that they can provide children with early, practical exposure to money management. When children are given a set sum and allowed to decide how to use it, they may learn to plan, save, prioritize, and delay gratification. Research in family economics suggests that children who are given opportunities to manage small amounts of money—especially when parents discuss choices and consequences with them—can develop a clearer understanding of budgeting and financial decision‑making over time. In this sense, an allowance can function as a teaching tool rather than merely a benefit. Likewise, to quote from the Pela Yoeitz, an allowance can prevent a child from succumbing to bad behavior: “A parent should not be overly stingy with their children. Rather, they ought to provide them, from time to time, with a modest allowance, so that small desires are satisfied and the child is not driven toward wrongdoing, such as taking what is not theirs.”

The Cons: At the same time, psychological research consistently emphasizes that children learn most effectively through observation and experience. How parents earn, spend, save, and speak about money has a deeper influence than any system of payments. If children see restraint, generosity, and responsibility modeled in daily life, those lessons tend to endure regardless of whether an allowance is given. Concerns arise, however, when allowances are given regularly without expectation, guidance, or context. Clinicians warn that when children receive money simply because it is expected, without effort or reflection, they may come to see money as an entitlement rather than a resource tied to responsibility and choice. Studies spanning several decades have found that unconditional allowances are associated with weaker financial understanding and lower motivation to work, particularly when children are not encouraged to earn money through effort or to reflect on how it is used.

Household chores and allowances: Another area of debate concerns whether allowances should be tied to household chores. Many professionals distinguish between ordinary family responsibilities and additional tasks. Basic chores—such as cleaning up after oneself, helping maintain the home, or contributing to shared family needs—are often viewed as responsibilities that come with being part of a household, not as work performed for pay. When all household contributions are monetized, children may learn to help only when there is a reward, rather than because cooperation and responsibility are valued in their own right.

A balanced approach: A commonly recommended approach is therefore a measured one: children are expected to participate in the life of the home without payment, while opportunities to earn money may be offered through extra tasks, external work, or longer‑term efforts that require persistence. In such cases, money is linked to effort and choice, while family responsibility remains rooted in shared values rather than financial incentives.

Rescuing children financially: It is also important to consider how parents respond when children struggle financially. Regularly rescuing children from the consequences of poor choices—such as replacing wasted money or covering non‑essential expenses—can unintentionally deprive them of valuable lessons in cause and effect. Research in child development emphasizes that experiencing manageable failure, within the safety of a supportive home, helps build resilience, problem‑solving skills, and self‑confidence.

Last Word: In the end, no single practice guarantees the successful development of character or independence. Allowances, like many parenting tools, can be helpful or harmful depending on how they are used. They are not a substitute for guidance, example, and conversation, nor are they inherently problematic when approached thoughtfully. Each family must therefore weigh its own values, circumstances, and goals. Whether parents choose to give a regular allowance, to provide money only as needed, or to combine different approaches over time, the deeper work remains the same: modeling responsibility, allowing children to experience consequences, and guiding them—gradually and patiently—toward maturity and self‑reliance.

 

Summary Table: Potential Benefits and Risks of Allowances

 

Potential Benefits	Potential Risks
Provides children with hands‑on experience managing money	May foster entitlement if money is given without expectations
Allows practice in saving, planning, and delayed gratification	Can weaken motivation if effort is not required
Creates opportunities for discussion about values, priorities, and choices	May confuse family responsibility when all chores are monetized
Can reinforce the link between effort and reward when structured carefully	Reduces learning from consequences if parents frequently intervene

 

3. Yeshiva Location – Sending Young Boys to Yeshiva Outside Their City of Residence

* See also Chapter 5 Halacha 4 where we discuss the importance of maintaining a relationship when the child is away from home!

The Pela Yoeitz[2], one of the most renowned authorities in Jewish thought and literature, writes that while Chazal state a person should exile himself to a place of Torah, in our generations this is not always the ideal course of action. If a person is able to learn Torah properly in his current city of residence, it is preferable for him to remain there. By doing so, the father is able to maintain close supervision over his children and remain actively involved in their development.

Accordingly, in communities where there is an established yeshiva within the same city of residence, particularly when it comes to a yeshiva ketanah, it is worth seriously considering whether it is best to send a young child away to a dormitory in another city. While sending children away to learn Torah has a long and honorable tradition, there are important reasons why, when possible, remaining close to home is often better for a child’s emotional, spiritual, and personal development.

The primary reason is parental supervision. Young boys, especially in their formative years, need consistent and close oversight from their parents. A father and mother who see their child regularly are better able to notice how he is developing—his emotional state, his behavior, his enthusiasm for learning, and any struggles he may be experiencing. These things are often subtle and cannot be fully detected through occasional phone calls or infrequent visits home. When a child lives far away and only comes home once a month, or in some cases only a few times a year, parents inevitably become disconnected from the day‑to‑day reality of their son’s life.

This distance makes it very difficult for parents to truly know what is going on with their child in yeshiva. How is he learning? How is he interacting with peers? Is he growing, or is he quietly struggling? When the child lives locally, comes home often, and especially when the father can visit the yeshiva, speak with rebbeim, and observe his son firsthand, there is a far greater ability to guide and support the child properly.

Another significant concern is the effect that distance can have on the parent‑child relationship. A child’s teenage years are critical for building a strong, lasting bond with his parents—particularly the father‑son relationship. These years help set the foundation for trust, openness, and mutual respect that ideally last a lifetime. When a child is away from home for extended periods, that relationship can weaken. The emotional distance that develops over time may not be intentional, but it is very real, and rebuilding that closeness later is not always simple.

There are also real risks associated with sending young children away from home at such an early age. These risks vary from child to child, but they exist nonetheless. Being away from a familiar environment, parental guidance, and emotional support systems can make some children more vulnerable, especially during challenging moments.

For all these reasons, when a quality yeshiva exists within one’s own city, it is often wiser to keep the child close to home. This does not, God forbid, negate the long‑standing practice of sending children to yeshivos in other cities. Throughout generations, boys have left home to grow in Torah, and many have flourished as a result. Such a decision is sometimes necessary—either because there is no suitable yeshiva locally, or because a particular yeshiva elsewhere offers a clear and significant advantage for that specific child’s learning and development.

Ultimately, each family must carefully weigh the pros and cons, considering the child’s personality, maturity, and needs, as well as the environment and influences of the yeshiva in question. One of the major considerations—often overlooked—is the cost of distance from home and family.

For parents who do decide that sending their child away is the right choice, they should do so without fear and with trust in Hashem, knowing that He watches over their child. At the same time, such parents must take extra care to remain closely connected—regular communication, frequent visits when possible, and ongoing emotional presence are essential. The loving, meaningful relationship between parent and son, which is meant to endure for a lifetime, must be actively preserved even across distance.

 

Option	Pros	Cons
Yeshiva within the city of residence	• Close parental supervision and involvement • Parents can monitor emotional, spiritual, and academic development • Stronger father‑son and family relationships • Child comes home regularly, allowing issues to be noticed early • Easier for father to visit the yeshiva and stay in touch with rebbeim • Greater stability for younger children, especially in yeshiva ketanah	• May lack certain strengths or specialized learning environments found elsewhere • Social circle may be limited compared to larger yeshivos • Less sense of independence for some children
Yeshiva away from home (with dormitory)	• Exposure to strong Torah environments and גדולי תורה • Can offer higher learning standards or specific strengths • Encourages independence and responsibility • Longstanding mesorah of exile to a place of Torah	• Reduced parental supervision • Parents may become disconnected from daily progress • Child comes home infrequently, making issues harder to detect • Risk of weakened parent‑child relationship during critical teenage years • Emotional challenges for younger children living away from home

 

 

 

4. Balancing Mashpi’im with Parental Guidance and Authority

In recent decades, the role of the mashpia has become a central element in the personal and spiritual development of many within Chabad. Instituted as a powerful and transformative initiative by the Rebbe, the concept was intended to provide every individual with a source of guidance, accountability, and growth in avodas Hashem. However, as with any system of influence, the way it is applied in practice can, at times, diverge from its original vision. This Halacha seeks to examine that gap thoughtfully and constructively. It explores both the strengths and the challenges inherent in the modern application of the mashpia framework—particularly as it relates to boundaries, responsibility, and the essential role of parents. Through analysis, real-life scenarios, and personal experience, this Halacha aims not to critique for the sake of criticism, but to clarify and restore the integrity of the system as it was originally intended. In doing so, it highlights a central principle: that a mashpia is not meant to replace foundational relationships, but to strengthen them—guiding the individual in avodas Hashem while reinforcing the critical role of the home and family structure. Ultimately, the goal is to offer a balanced perspective that can help ensure that the system of mashpi’im continues to serve as a force for growth, responsibility, and harmony.

 

A. The Importance of Staying Within Proper Boundaries

One of the most significant and transformative contributions introduced within Chabad in the late 1980s was the Rebbe’s call that every individual should have a mashpia—a personal spiritual mentor.[3] This initiative was revolutionary in its scope and vision. It sought to ensure that every chassid would have someone to whom they are accountable in their spiritual life: someone who could guide them, review their conduct, and help them grow in their service of Hashem.

The original intent of this system was clear. A mashpia was meant to serve as a spiritual mentor—someone who helps a chassid evaluate how they use their time, assess whether their daily conduct aligns with chassidic values, and encourage honest self-reflection. A chassid would ideally give a din v’cheshbon—a personal accounting—before their mashpia, sharing struggles, failures, and areas for improvement. In essence, the role was centered on spiritual mentorship, accountability, and growth.

A Shift in Application: Over time, however, a noticeable shift has occurred and there appears to be a growing gap between its original purpose and its current application. Based on both personal experience and discussions with respected and veteran mashpi’im, it has become increasingly evident that the role of the mashpia today is often expanded far beyond the Rebbe’s original vision.

In many cases—particularly among younger students and teenagers—the mashpia has taken on the role of a general life advisor or even a life coach. Rather than focusing primarily on spiritual development, mashpi’im are frequently consulted on major life decisions: which yeshiva or school to attend, which path to pursue, and how to navigate complex personal challenges. While this development stems from a positive place—the desire for guidance and connection—it raises important concerns. The issue is not the existence of guidance, but rather the expansion of authority beyond appropriate boundaries.

First Concern – The Challenge of Inexperience: Many mashpi’im today, especially those guiding teenagers, are themselves quite young and often lack sufficient life experience. In some cases, they are not yet married and have not yet encountered the breadth of challenges that would prepare them to offer sound guidance on serious matters. This lack of experience can have real and sometimes serious consequences. For example, there have been situations where a young mashpia, entrusted with sensitive information, failed to recognize the severity of a student’s struggles. In one case, a teenager confided over an extended period about experiencing severe emotional distress, including suicidal thoughts. The mashpia, lacking the training and foresight to understand the seriousness of the situation, did not involve the appropriate authorities—such as parents or school professionals—until the risk had escalated significantly. Earlier intervention could have made a critical difference.

This highlights a crucial point: spiritual mentorship does not automatically equip someone to handle complex emotional or psychological issues. These require training, maturity, and often professional involvement. The system, as it currently functions, often does not equip mashpi’im with the training needed to recognize the limits of their role or to know when escalation is necessary.

Second Concern – Overstepping Parental Boundaries: An equally important concern is the potential for mashpi’im to overstep the natural and essential role of parents. No one cares for a child more deeply than their parents. No one understands the child’s history, personality, and needs better than the father and mother who raised them. Was it ever the Rebbe’s intention for the mashpia to replace the parent? Certainly not. The introduction of a mashpia was meant to complement, not supplant, the foundational role of the family. Yet, in practice, a concerning dynamic sometimes develops: children begin to view their mashpia as the primary authority in both spiritual and personal matters, while parents are sidelined. Important decisions—educational, personal, and even emotional—are redirected toward the mashpia rather than discussed within the family. In extreme cases, parents are reduced to little more than financial providers, while meaningful influence over their child’s life is diminished. This outcome is not only unintended—it is deeply problematic. It undermines the natural bond between parent and child and disrupts the proper structure of guidance and responsibility. It is important, however, to recognize why this dynamic develops. Teenagers often find it easier to open up to someone outside the home. A mashpia can provide:

• a sense of neutrality
• a non-judgmental listening ear
• a model of personal connection in spiritual matters

These are valuable and should be preserved. The presence of a mashpia can be a powerful force for good. However, this strength must not come at the cost of displacing the role of parents. The goal is not to replace one source of guidance with another, but to ensure that each role remains clear and properly defined.

Restoring Balance and Proper Roles: The role of the mashpia is vital and irreplaceable when properly understood. But like any role of influence, it must be exercised within appropriate boundaries. Mashpi’im must be clear about the limits of their responsibility. They should:

1. Focus primarily on spiritual growth and accountability
2. Recognize when an issue extends beyond their expertise
3. Involve parents or appropriate professionals when necessary
4. Maintain open and respectful communication with parents, especially when guiding minors

At the same time, it must be reinforced that parents are central figures in a child’s development—spiritually, emotionally, and practically. Their involvement is not optional; it is essential. The ideal model is not one of replacement, but of partnership. A mashpia strengthens a chassid’s connection to their values and avodas Hashem, while parents continue to serve as the primary guides in life decisions and overall upbringing.

Conclusion: The Rebbe’s vision of every individual having a mashpia remains as powerful and relevant today as when it was first introduced. However, preserving that vision requires clarity, responsibility, and adherence to proper boundaries. When mashpi’im remain within their intended role—and when parents remain actively involved—we can ensure that this system fulfills its original purpose: fostering strong, balanced, and spiritually grounded individuals.

 

Examples of Mashpi’im Overstepping Their Boundaries

Case 1 – A Failure to Recognize the Limits of Responsibility:

“Yossi,” a 15‑year‑old bochur, had been quietly struggling with severe depression for some time. Over the course of a year, he confided repeatedly in his mashpia—a young, well-meaning individual in his early twenties. Yossi shared feelings of deep sadness, worthlessness, and at times, even thoughts of harming himself. The mashpia, wanting to help and believing in the importance of confidentiality and trust, continued to speak with him privately. He offered encouragement, shared chassidic ideas, and urged him to strengthen his learning and tefillah. However, he did not inform the parents, the yeshiva hanhala, or any qualified professional. The mashpia simply did not recognize the gravity of the situation.

By the time others became aware, Yossi’s emotional state had deteriorated significantly, and he was assessed as being at high risk. What could have been addressed much earlier—through parental involvement and professional support—had escalated dangerously. This case highlights a critical failure, not of intention, but of experience and awareness.

• What should have happened? A mashpia in such a situation must understand:
• Expressions of suicidal thoughts are not within the scope of informal guidance
• Immediate involvement of parents and appropriate professionals is essential
• Preserving confidentiality does not override the obligation to protect life

This is not optional; it is a matter of pikuach nefesh. No mashpia, particularly a young and untrained one, can carry the responsibility of handling such a situation alone. Failing to escalate is not neutrality—it is a dangerous misjudgment that could, G‑d forbid, cost a life.

 

Case 2 – Undermining Parental Authority in Major Life Decisions:

“Moshe,” a teenager from a devoted Chabad family, had traveled to the Rebbe for Tishrei every year since the age of 14. As he approached the age of 17, his parents made a thoughtful and heartfelt decision: they wanted him to stay home that year. Their reasoning was clear:

• They wanted him to experience Tishrei within his own home to absorb the minhagim and atmosphere directly from his father
• To strengthen the bond between parent and child during a formative stage
• To help their father with their Chabad House during the Holidays

The father expressed a concern that if Moshe continued to leave every year, he might never truly experience Tishrei as it is lived within his own family. Moshe responded that he would first consult with his mashpia. The mashpia, instead of encouraging a respectful dialogue with the parents or recognizing their central role, gave a decisive directive: He told Moshe that a chassid must show mesirus nefesh to be by the Rebbe for Tishrei, and that this ideal should override his parents’ request. Moshe followed his mashpia’s guidance and went—against his parents’ clearly expressed wishes. This caused significant friction with his parents, and caused avoidable resentment against their sons Mashpia.

Why this is problematic: This is a clear example of overstepping boundaries. The mashpia: Took on authority over a major life decision. Framed the issue in a way that delegitimized the parents’ perspective. Positioned himself, even unintentionally, as a higher authority than the parents. This was not merely advice—it was a directive that replaced parental guidance.

What should have happened? The proper response would have been: To affirm the importance of the Rebbe and Tishrei, but at the same time emphasize kibbud av va’em and the parents’ role and encourage Moshe to have an open, respectful conversation with his parents. At the very least to possibly suggest compromise, or at minimum, not override them. A mashpia can provide perspective—but he cannot assume authority over decisions that belong within the family structure.

 

The Underlying Issue

Both cases, though very different, stem from the same root problem: A lack of clarity about the limits of the mashpia’s role.

• In the first case, the mashpia assumed responsibility for something far beyond his capacity
• In the second, he assumed authority that was never his to hold

In both instances, the consequences are not theoretical—they are deeply real.

 

B. Strengthening, Not Replacing: The Mashpia as a Force for Family Unity

The previous section dealt primarily with the dangers of mashpi’im overstepping their boundaries, and the absolute obligation that they must never supersede or displace the role of the parents. However, it is important to take this idea one step further. Not only must mashpi’im avoid the negative consequences that can damage or weaken the parent–child relationship, but they must also recognize the tremendous opportunity they possess to actively reinforce and strengthen that relationship. As mentors entrusted with influence over a young individual, and as Torah‑observant yidden who understand the centrality of kibbud av va’em and the foundational importance of the family unit, mashpi’im should see it as part of their role to use their position to build bridges—not barriers. When a student expresses frustration or tension with his parents, the mashpia should guide him toward understanding, respect, and healthy communication, rather than validating division or offering an alternative authority. Through wisdom, sensitivity, and responsibility, a mashpia can help cultivate appreciation, repair strained relationships where necessary, and reinforce the home as the primary environment for growth. In doing so, he fulfills one of the highest expressions of his role—not merely guiding the individual, but strengthening the very relationships that sustain and define him.

 

A Model Example: A Mashpia Who Strengthens the Parent–Child Relationship

To better understand what a properly functioning mashpia relationship should look like, it is helpful to consider a practical example—one in which the mashpia not only respects the role of the parents, but actively works to strengthen it.

“Levi,” a 16‑year‑old bochur, had begun experiencing tension at home. Like many teenagers, he felt misunderstood by his parents and increasingly turned to his mashpia as his primary source of guidance. Over time, he began sharing frustrations about his parents—feeling that they were too controlling or not in tune with his needs. A mashpia who misunderstand his role might be tempted to sympathize too heavily, reinforce the teenager’s frustrations, and gradually position himself as the more “understanding” authority figure. This, however, would only deepen the divide. In this case, the mashpia chose a very different approach.

He listened to Levi with patience and empathy, validating that his feelings were real. But he carefully avoided undermining the parents. Instead, he gently reframed the situation: He explained that parents, even when imperfect, act from deep love, and that their perspective comes from years of experience and responsibility. He emphasized that one of the foundations of a chassid’s life is kibbud av va’em—not only in action, but in mindset. At a certain point, the mashpia told Levi clearly: “Part of my role is not only to guide you in your avodas Hashem, but also to help strengthen your relationship with your parents—not to replace it.” The mashpia then took concrete steps:

• He encouraged Levi to have an open and respectful conversation with his parents, helping him prepare what to say
• He guided him on how to express disagreement without disrespect
• He suggested practical improvements in communication—listening more carefully, avoiding reactive responses, and choosing the right time to speak

In some cases, with Levi’s awareness and consent, the mashpia also reached out to the parents—not to take control, but to align perspectives and reduce misunderstandings. He helped each side see the other more clearly:

• To Levi: the care and concern behind his parents’ decisions
• To the parents: the challenges and sensitivities their son was experiencing

The Result: Over time, the relationship improved. Levi began to see his parents not as obstacles, but as guides—even if imperfect ones. The parents, in turn, felt more connected and better understood their son’s inner world. Most importantly, the mashpia never became the center of authority. Instead, he served as a bridge—strengthening the most important relationship rather than replacing it.

 

C. The Need for Proper Training and Structure for Mashpi’im

After all that has been discussed above, it becomes clear that in order for real and lasting change to take place within the system of mashpi’im, there must be proper training and structure. Many mashpi’im, especially those working with younger students, are themselves young and often lack the experience or tools necessary to fully understand the weight and boundaries of their role. As such, they do not always act improperly out of intent, but rather out of a lack of guidance and preparation. Yeshivos and educational institutions should therefore provide mashpi’im with structured training—drawing from psychological awareness, halachic principles, and chassidic values—so that they can better understand both the scope and the limits of their influence. Such training would help ensure that mashpi’im recognize when situations require parental involvement, when professional intervention is necessary, and how to respond responsibly in complex circumstances. It would also reinforce that a mashpia is not an independent authority, but part of a broader framework in which parents remain the primary figures. With proper preparation, mashpi’im can fulfill their intended role more effectively: serving as responsible spiritual mentors who respect boundaries, build bridges, and help cultivate stronger individuals and stronger families alike.

 

D. A Personal Experience with a True Mashpia

During my years learning in Yeshiva Gedolah, I was fortunate to encounter what I would describe as a true mashpia in the classical sense of the term, as per the Rebbe’s original intent. At that time, I set out deliberately to find someone who could serve not as a casual advisor, but as a serious spiritual guide—someone who embodied avodas Hashem with depth, consistency, and authenticity. I ultimately approached an elderly Mashpia in the Yeshiva who stood apart from the norm: a deeply committed chassid, a genuine Oved Hashem, and someone shaped by the older traditions and approach associated with figures such as Reb Shlomo Chaim Kesselman, who was his own personal mentor. His emphasis was clear—avodah, discipline, and personal accountability. He was not a “no‑pressure” or informal personality; rather, he was demanding, focused, and uncompromising in matters of growth. Notably, very few in the yeshiva approached him to serve as their mashpia. His approach did not align with the more casual expectations of the modern system, where the role is often lighter, more conversational, and less structured. When I first requested that he become my mashpia, he resisted. He told me plainly, “You won’t be able to handle me.” Despite this, I persisted. After continued requests, he finally agreed.

Our first meeting set the tone for everything that followed. He had me sit down and write out my entire weekly schedule—from the moment I woke up in the morning until I went to sleep at night. Together, we reviewed it carefully and made concrete, structured changes. Nothing was abstract; everything was practical and measurable. From that point forward, I met with him once a week for approximately an hour. During those meetings:

• We reviewed my schedule in detail
• Evaluated whether I had followed through on what I had committed to
• Examined how I was using my time
• And discussed areas of struggle and growth in my avodas Hashem

There was a clear expectation: I was accountable. I had to report honestly, and I had to take the process seriously. This experience was fundamentally different from how the role of mashpia is often used today. It was not about consulting on life decisions or discussing general problems. It was not about casual encouragement or occasional advice. It was about something far deeper:

A mashpia as a spiritual mentor—someone before whom one must give an honest accounting, and through whom one is pushed to grow in their service of Hashem. In this sense, the relationship reflected what the Rebbe originally envisioned: not a replacement for parents, not a general life coach, but a disciplined and focused framework for spiritual accountability and personal refinement.

It is important to emphasize an additional point, which further highlights the integrity of this relationship. At no point—not even remotely—did this mashpia attempt, G‑d forbid, to replace the role of my parents. On the contrary, he consistently reinforced their importance. When matters arose that touched on broader life decisions or personal direction, he made it clear that my parents’ role was central and irreplaceable. He would often encourage me to speak with them, to listen carefully to their perspective, and to recognize that my growth as a person and as a chassid is deeply rooted in the relationship I have with my family. This was not incidental—it was part of his understanding of what a mashpia is meant to be. True guidance does not compete with the home; it strengthens it.

True mentorship does not replace parents; it reinforces their place. And it is precisely this balance—firm spiritual accountability alongside deep respect for parental authority—that defines what a mashpia is meant to be at its best.

 

 

5. When Silence is a Sin – Education in Matters of Tzenius & Human Sexuality

A. The Delicate Balance of Educating the Adolescent

One of the more sensitive and consequential responsibilities entrusted to parents is guiding their children through the stage of puberty. It is a time marked not only by physical development, but also by emotional awakening and emerging awareness of human relationships and desire. The question is not whether to educate, but how and when—for both excess and neglect carry their own dangers. In the following sections, we will examine the pros and cons of both excessive exposure and the neglect of discussion, ultimately presenting a balanced approach, as guided by both child psychologists and Mechanchim.

 

B. The cons of informing and exposing the child:

On one hand, there is a real and serious concern in exposing a child too early, or to information that he has no need yet to know. Such exposure does not merely inform—it can awaken. When a child is introduced prematurely to concepts and realities beyond his stage, he may be drawn into an internal struggle that he was not yet meant to face.

Exposure to evil leads its transgression: In a Mamar in Torah Or[4], the Alter Rebbe explains that the sin of Adam HaRishon in eating from the Tree of Knowledge was not simply an act of disobedience, it was the acquisition of knowledge of evil itself—daas tov v’ra. This knowledge does not remain passive; rather, it has the power to generate desire. The sin of eating from the Tree of Knowledge introduced something far more dangerous than the mere gaining of intellectual awareness of good and evil, rather, it caused the internalization of evil within the human being. Prior to the sin, Adam lived in a state of purity in which evil existed only as an external reality, not something experienced internally. After eating from the Tree of Knowledge, however, good and evil became intertwined within the human heart itself. As a result, the knowledge of evil did not remain a detached concept—it awakened a desire for it. The Alter Rebbe explains that this is the fundamental difference between human beings and angels. Angels can possess knowledge of good and evil as simple information, without any personal attraction to evil. Man, however, is a penimi—an internal being. What he knows, he internalizes. And once internalized, it shapes his emotions, his inclinations, and even his perception of right and wrong. Thus, the very act of knowing evil can create a pull toward it, and the very awareness of certain realities can itself create an inclination toward them.

Implication for our children: Applied to our context, when a child is exposed prematurely to ideas or images related to desire and immorality, that exposure does not remain neutral. It becomes part of his internal world. It can awaken feelings, curiosities, and drives that would not have otherwise existed at that stage. In effect, one places the child onto a battlefield before he has been equipped to fight and before he has developed the maturity and internal tools to properly navigate it. Yet, on the other hand, there exists an equally significant danger: saying nothing at all, as we will explore next. This concept is echoed in the words of the Lubavitcher Rebbe (Igros Kodesh Vol. 20 p. 175), who addresses the difficulty of educating adolescents in matters related to physical desire. The Rebbe explains that even speaking about such topics can itself awaken and stimulate the inclination, in line with the teaching of our Sages that “if one satisfies it, it becomes hungrier.” Accordingly, he emphasizes that such discussions must only take place with great caution, under the guidance of trained and suitable individuals, and in a private and controlled setting—not in a public or casual manner.

 

C. The cons of silence:

Due to natural discomfort and modesty, many parents avoid the subject of sexuality entirely, assuming that silence preserves innocence. In truth, this approach often yields the opposite result. Misconceptions: A child who is not educated by his parents does not remain ignorant—he becomes self-taught. This education may come from peers, from external influences, or from his own incomplete and often mistaken interpretations. Adolescents frequently trust their own understanding over that of others, and without proper guidance, this can lead to deeply ingrained misconceptions about the nature of the body, relationships, and sexuality itself.

Unclean Exposure: Furthermore, when children seek answers outside of appropriate and dignified frameworks, they are at risk of turning to sources that are neither clean nor healthy. By withholding guidance, one may unintentionally push the child toward precisely the kind of exposure one hoped to avoid—only now without the safeguards of context, values, or boundaries.

Unspoken Anxiety and psychological distress: There is an additional and often overlooked consequence of this silence. As children go through the natural stages of physical development, they may begin to notice changes they do not understand. Without even a basic framework of knowledge, an adolescent can come to believe that something is wrong with him—that his body is abnormal, deficient, or even incapable of functioning properly. Simple developmental realities, such as growth of hair, and changes in bodily limbs, can become sources of confusion, embarrassment, and genuine psychological distress. In some cases, this can lead to unnecessary anxiety and even long-term emotional impact. As has been emphasized in contemporary discussions by Dr. Shloime Zimmerman, Psy.D., many young people today are navigating powerful developmental changes with little guidance, and when these matters are ignored, the consequences can be significant both emotionally and spiritually. Providing a child with measured, appropriate, and age-sensitive knowledge can prevent such confusion and bring calm where there would otherwise be fear. It allows the child to understand that what he is experiencing is natural, expected, and part of a broader, healthy process.

Thus, neither extreme offers a viable solution. To ignore the subject entirely is to abandon the child to confusion, misinformation, or harmful sources. Yet to say too much, too soon, is to introduce him into a difficult struggle before its proper time. The task, then, is to find the balance—to provide what is necessary, when it is necessary, in a manner that preserves both purity and clarity, innocence and understanding.

 

D. The Balanced and Responsible Approach

After considering the dangers of both extremes—overexposure on the one hand and complete silence on the other—it becomes clear that the proper path lies in a carefully measured, balanced approach. This approach requires wisdom, sensitivity, and a deep understanding of both the child’s developmental stage and the inner nature of the human soul. From the perspective of Torah, as explained in the teachings regarding the Tree of Knowledge, knowledge itself is not neutral. When introduced prematurely, it has the capacity to awaken inner drives and create struggles that were not yet meant to exist. At the same time, withholding essential guidance leaves the child vulnerable to confusion, anxiety, and harmful external influences. This balanced perspective is strongly emphasized by contemporary frum mental health professionals, particularly Dr. Shloime Zimmerman author of “From boys to men”, who has highlighted that many adolescents struggle unnecessarily simply because they were left without proper guidance and were forced to learn from external and often inappropriate sources. Accordingly, the role of the parent is not merely to inform, but to guide the timing, tone, and content of that information in a way that prepares the child before challenges arise, while still preserving his innocence. As emphasized by the Lubavitcher Rebbe, even necessary discussion in this area must be approached with precision and restraint, as improper or excessive conversation can itself contribute to the awakening of desire. This further highlights that the goal is not merely openness, but carefully guided and responsible communication. A responsible approach is built on several fundamental principles:

• Age-Appropriate and Gradual Education: Education must be given in stages, corresponding to the child’s level of maturity. A young child does not require, nor benefit from, detailed explanations of concepts that are beyond his current reality. Rather, information should be introduced gradually, answering the child’s questions honestly but without elaborating beyond what is necessary. This preserves the child’s natural innocence while still providing clarity where it is needed. In this way, knowledge serves as a stabilizing force, not a provocative one.
• Answering Questions, Not Awakening Them: A key guideline emphasized by both Torah educators and psychologists is that one should generally respond to the child’s existing awareness, rather than introduce entirely new areas of curiosity prematurely. When a child asks, it is often an indication that he is ready—at least to some degree—for a basic level of understanding. By contrast, introducing topics unprompted and in excessive detail can have the effect described in the maamar: the mere knowledge can awaken emotional and physical inclinations that did not previously exist in an active way.
• Providing a Framework of Normalcy and Reassurance: As children go through puberty and physical development, it is essential that they be given enough information to understand that what they are experiencing is normal. Simple explanations about bodily changes, growth, and development can prevent confusion and emotional distress. One of the important insights emphasized by seasoned frum therapists is that a child who lacks even basic orientation may interpret normal developmental changes as abnormalities. Providing clear and calm explanations helps anchor the child emotionally and removes unnecessary fear and anxiety.
• Preserving Modesty While Providing Clarity: The manner in which the information is given is just as important as the content itself. Discussions should be conducted with dignity, modesty, and sensitivity, without crude detail or unnecessary elaboration. This not only protects the child’s purity but also teaches him how to relate to these matters in a healthy and respectful way. This balance reflects the Torah ideal—neither denial of reality nor immersion in it, but a refined and elevated engagement.
• Creating an Open but Guarded Environment: Children should feel that they can approach their parents with questions without fear or embarrassment. At the same time, this openness must exist within a structured framework, where the parent maintains discretion regarding how much to share. When a child knows that his parents are a trustworthy and safe source of guidance, he is far less likely to seek answers in inappropriate places.
• Proactive Guidance Before Exposure: A key insight emphasized by Dr. Zimmerman is that education must not only be reactive, but proactive. Children should ideally receive appropriate guidance before they are exposed to confusing or inappropriate information from the outside world. When left unprepared, adolescents often seek answers on their own and may become entangled in unhealthy patterns and struggles that could have been prevented through early, measured guidance. This does not mean overwhelming the child with information, but rather equipping him gradually with the clarity and direction needed to navigate his developmental stages in a healthy and dignified way.
• Protecting from Harmful Exposure: Alongside providing appropriate education, parents must actively protect their children from exposure to media and environments that present distorted and immodest portrayals. As seen both in Torah sources and in contemporary psychological observations, exposure itself has the power to shape desire and perception. Shielding a child from such influences is not repression—it is preservation of inner purity and emotional health.

Free Translation Igros Kodesh Vol. 20 p. 175

Regarding educating young men and women of adolescent age about matters of sexual desire and the problems connected to it, it is difficult to establish a definitive position. Although our Sages said about the verse you quoted in your letter, “If there is worry in a person’s heart, he should speak of it to others,” it seems that in this particular area our Sages also said: “A person has a small organ—if he starves it, it is satisfied; if he satisfies it, it becomes hungry.” And it would appear that even speaking about the subject could be considered a form of “satisfying it.”

This is unless the conversation is conducted by an outstanding expert who knows how to avoid certain expressions and associations. And as I have seen in several places, the appropriate approach is that the teachers at the institution should consult among themselves and determine the proper conduct and the manner of speaking with a particular male or female student. At most, two or three teachers who are suitable to work together should participate. Naturally, boys separately and girls separately. But not in a public setting, as is done in some places. And even then, great care must be taken not to cause others to stumble nor to stumble oneself in the prohibition—biblically or at least rabbinically—of not causing improper thoughts, etc., as ruled in Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer 23:3, and see also Tanya, chapter 11.

 

E. A Summary of a Highly Productive Podcast Conversation Between Dr. Shlomie Zimmerman and Rabbi YY Jacobson [5]

This article distills the key insights from a deeply meaningful and productive podcast discussion between Dr. Shlomie Zimmerman, a leading psychologist specializing in child and adolescent development, and Rabbi YY Jacobson, a renowned educator and spiritual teacher. Together, they explore one of the most sensitive yet essential topics in parenting: how to talk to teenage boys about their developing bodies, sexuality, and emotional world.

Understanding the Intensity of Boys’ Development: Both speakers emphasize that the teenage years are marked by powerful hormonal, emotional, and physical changes. While adults often forget how overwhelming this stage can feel, boys experience a surge of impulses, confusion, and self‑questioning. Recognizing this intensity is the first step toward supporting them.

The Harm of Silence and Shame: A central theme of the conversation is that silence breeds shame. When parents avoid discussing sexuality, body changes, or struggles like masturbation, teens are left to interpret their experiences alone. This isolation often leads to guilt, secrecy, and distorted beliefs about themselves. The speakers argue that avoiding the topic does not protect children—it harms them. Open, calm communication is the antidote.

Addressing Masturbation Without Panic or Judgment: One of the most courageous parts of the discussion is the insistence that parents must speak directly and compassionately about masturbation. Many boys feel deep guilt around this issue, and without guidance, they may internalize the belief that something is wrong with them. The goal is not to moralize or shame, but to help teens understand their bodies and navigate their development with self‑respect and clarity.

Sexuality as a Core Human Force: The podcast reframes sexuality not as something dirty or dangerous, but as a central, powerful part of being human. When religious teachings are used only to instill fear or guilt, they lose their purpose. Instead, the speakers highlight that Judaism’s focus on sexuality aims to cultivate holiness, authenticity, and mindful living, not repression.

Authenticity Over Perfection: A recurring message is that teens need to see their parents as real, honest, and emotionally open. Pretending to be perfect creates distance; authenticity builds trust. When parents acknowledge that struggle is part of being human, teens feel safer sharing their own challenges.

The Consequences of Avoiding the Conversation: The speakers outline several risks that arise when parents remain silent:

• Teens turn to the internet for answers
• Shame and secrecy intensify
• Risky or hidden behaviors become more likely
• Emotional and spiritual confusion grows

In contrast, open dialogue strengthens the parent‑child relationship and supports healthier development.

How Parents Can Approach These Conversations: The podcast offers practical guidance for parents:

• Speak with calmness, not fear
• Use clear, age‑appropriate language
• Show curiosity rather than judgment
• Emphasize values, not threats
• Reassure teens that their feelings and urges are normal

The tone matters as much as the content. A gentle, grounded approach helps teens feel understood rather than scrutinized.

Conclusion: Compassionate Communication Is Essential: The conversation between Dr. Zimmerman and Rabbi Jacobson makes one message unmistakably clear: parents must talk openly with their teens about sexuality and body development. When approached with compassion, honesty, and emotional presence, these conversations become opportunities for connection, growth, and spiritual grounding.

 

F. Practical Guidance: What to Say and When

The following guidance is written for parents, mechanchim, and rabbanim who are responsible for educating youth in a proper and balanced manner. Unlike the student edition, which presents these matters in a more general way, this section will speak more directly, in order to give clear and practical direction for how these subjects should be addressed.

Until this point, we have outlined the general principles of maintaining a balanced and responsible approach. We now turn to the practical application—what a parent should actually say, and at what stage. The goal is not to overwhelm the child with information, but to provide clarity at the right time, in a measured and appropriate way, so that the child is neither confused nor prematurely awakened to matters beyond his current stage.

• Early Childhood: Simple Questions, Simple Answers At a young age, it is common for children to ask simple questions such as where babies come from. At this stage, a brief and truthful response is appropriate. One can explain that a baby develops inside the mother in a special place created for that purpose. The objective is not to explain the full process, but simply to answer the child’s question honestly without introducing concepts that he is not yet ready to process. In all such cases, the guiding principle is to answer what was asked, and not expand further.
• Approaching Adolescence: Explaining Physical Development As a child approaches adolescence, however, it becomes essential that parents take a more proactive role. At this stage, both boys and girls begin to experience noticeable physical changes in their bodies, and if these changes are not explained in advance, they can lead to confusion and even deep anxiety. A parent should calmly and naturally explain that the body develops as one grows older, and that part of this development includes changes in specific areas of the body. This includes the growth of hair in private areas, as well as development of the chest for girls and changes in the male organ for boys. While these subjects require modesty and sensitivity, they cannot be avoided altogether, as their purpose in this context is not to stimulate, but to reassure and normalize. When explained properly, these discussions remove fear rather than create it. It should be clearly stated that all of these changes are normal and experienced by every healthy individual, and that there is nothing unusual or shameful about them. It is important to emphasize that avoiding clear language when it is necessary for proper understanding is not an expression of modesty, but can, at times, be a cause of confusion. True tznius in chinuch is not silence, but the careful and appropriate presentation of truth. At the same time, it is essential that the parent clearly communicate to the child that this conversation is not a one-time discussion. The child should be reassured that if any questions arise in the future, he or she should never feel embarrassed or hesitant to ask. The parent should emphasize that they will always receive an honest, calm, and understanding response, and that there is no need to seek answers elsewhere. This reassurance alone can prevent a child from turning to inappropriate or harmful sources for information, and strengthens the trust between parent and child.

For girls: For girls, a mother should gently explain that as she grows, her body will begin to change, including the development of her chest, as well as internal changes that prepare her body for adulthood. This conversation should be framed with calmness and dignity, emphasizing that these developments are a natural and expected part of becoming a mature woman. The girl should feel that her body is healthy and functioning exactly as it is meant to, without any sense of embarrassment or concern.

For boys: For boys, a father should explain that his body will also go through changes, including the development of his private organ, growth in that area, and the appearance of hair in certain parts of the body. He should be told that at times he may experience physical reactions in his body that seem new or surprising, and that these are a normal part of development that all boys go through. By speaking about this clearly and matter-of-factly, the parent removes any fear that something is abnormal.

• Emotional Development: Attraction and Feelings As the child continues to mature, another important stage of conversation involves emotional development. Both boys and girls may begin to feel an attraction toward the opposite gender. It is crucial to explain that these feelings are normal and part of growing up, and that they do not mean that something is wrong. At the same time, the child should be guided in how to relate to these feelings in a healthy and appropriate way, according to one’s values.
• Sensitive Struggles: Framing with Balance and Care As a child matures further, there comes a stage when a parent or educator may need to address more sensitive areas of adolescent development, including personal behaviors and inner struggles that can arise during this time. It is important that this conversation not be avoided entirely, as silence in this area has been shown, both anecdotally and clinically, to lead many young people to confusion, guilt, and sometimes deeply harmful conclusions about themselves. At an appropriate age and level of maturity, it may be necessary to briefly and respectfully address the issue of self‑stimulation (i.e. Zera Levatala). A parent should not speak about this with unnecessary detail, but it should be clearly communicated that this is a behavior that many adolescents struggle with during their development. For boys in particular, it should be explained that while this behavior is prohibited according to Torah standards and one is expected to strive toward self-control, the very presence of such urges does not make a person deficient or broken. On the contrary, it is part of the broader challenge of growing into adulthood, and many fine and sincere individuals have faced and overcome similar struggles. At the same time, it is absolutely essential that this message be accompanied by emotional reassurance. A child must be told explicitly that his worth is not defined by his challenges, and that Hashem values effort and struggle. Without this balance, a child may internalize only the severity without the context, leading to damaging feelings of shame and distance. For girls, it is equally critical that the subject is framed correctly and not exaggerated beyond its actual parameters. When this area is misunderstood, it can create unnecessary anxiety and distress. Here too, a careful and measured explanation, appropriate to her maturity, can prevent years of internal confusion and fear.

 

G. Real Life Cases:

The importance of this balanced approach can be clearly seen from real-life cases that I have dealt with as a Rav and educator for over two decades.

Example 1: Misinterpreting Normal Feelings Yaakov, a thoughtful and sensitive boy, began struggling privately during his early teenage years with regards to his impulses for the opposite gender. Having never received any guidance from his parents or teachers, he assumed that his behavior placed him in a category of severe wrongdoing beyond repair. Over time, the weight of guilt became overwhelming, and he began to feel distant from his identity, his values, and even from Hashem Himself. In reality, what he needed was not silence, but proper guidance—someone to explain both the seriousness of his actions and the normalcy of the struggle. Without that balance, his internal world became one of shame rather than growth.

Example 2: The Danger of Excessive Guilt Sara, a bright and sincere young girl, developed a habit of self-stimulation that she believed placed her among the worst of sinners. Having never been given any accurate framework, she equated her experience with the most severe prohibitions she had heard about. This misunderstanding led to intense anxiety and emotional distress that could have been avoided with even a brief, appropriate explanation. When the truth was eventually clarified for her in a calm and supportive manner, it immediately alleviated years of unnecessary fear.

Example 3: Lack of Physical Understanding: Moshe began experiencing natural physical and emotional changes in adolescence but, due to a lack of proper education, interpreted these feelings as signs that something was fundamentally wrong with him. He became anxious and withdrawn, convinced that he was different from others. Only after a conversation with his father was he able to understand that what he was experiencing was entirely normal. In another instance, David noticed changes in his body that he did not understand and, without any framework, assumed that he would not be capable of leading a normal adult life or be able to marry and have children. For years, he carried unnecessary fear regarding his future, when in truth what he was experiencing was simply a healthy and standard stage of development.

 

H. The Final lesson:

These examples highlight a consistent and critical theme: when children are left to interpret their experiences without guidance, they often arrive at incorrect and sometimes harmful conclusions. Conversely, when a parent provides clear, calm, and appropriately timed explanations—even on sensitive topics—the child gains not only knowledge, but emotional stability and confidence. It is for this reason that, alongside any specific discussion, a parent must clearly communicate that the door is always open. A child should be told explicitly that if he or she has further questions, there is no need to feel embarrassed or hesitant. They should know that they can always return to their parent for an honest, respectful, and understanding conversation. This reassurance alone can prevent a child from seeking answers from inappropriate sources and strengthens a lifelong relationship of trust. In this way, even the most delicate subjects can be addressed without undermining modesty, and without awakening premature struggle. On the contrary, when handled properly, such conversations protect the child from confusion, reduce unnecessary anxiety, and allow him or her to grow with clarity, dignity, and emotional strength.

6. Tznius Education For Girls: Setting Standards Without Losing their Soul

When it comes to the education of daughters in the area of tznius, there is no question that both parents and educators desire the very best. We want our children to adhere to the highest standards of modesty accepted within our homes, schools, and communities. Tznius is not merely a matter of clothing; it is a central component of a Jewish woman’s avodas Hashem and identity. It represents dignity, inner refinement, and a life of awareness before Hashem. It is therefore entirely understandable—and correct—that parents, teachers, and schools establish guidelines, expectations, and standards, and make efforts to ensure that these are followed.

When Tznius Becomes a Power Struggle: However, alongside this truth comes a very serious and often overlooked danger. In many homes and schools, the area of tznius slowly shifts from being a value into becoming a power struggle. When a child begins to feel that the issue is no longer about avodas Hashem, but about being controlled, the entire dynamic changes. The moment tznius is experienced as “my parents are trying to control me” rather than “this is how a Jewish girl serves Hashem,” resistance is almost inevitable. At that point, even if the parent or school succeeds in enforcing the rule, they have often fallen into the trap of winning the battle but losing the war. The girl may comply externally, but internally she has disengaged. Instead of developing a respect and appreciation for tznius, she develops resentment toward it.

The Hidden Consequences: Resistance, Secrecy, and Rejection Once this resistance sets in, a number of unhealthy patterns can follow. In some cases, as the girl becomes older and gains independence, she may throw off all standards of tznius entirely, associating it with pressure and negativity. In other cases, even before reaching that stage, a “cat and mouse” dynamic develops—where she dresses one way in front of parents and teachers, and another way when she is not being watched. This clearly demonstrates that the message was never internalized; it was only enforced externally. In serious cases, this dynamic can contribute to a broader rejection of religious observance. When a girl feels constantly controlled and criticized in such a sensitive area, it can lead not only to resistance in tznius, but to a general distancing from Yiddishkeit itself.

The Necessary Balance: Standards Without Control: This creates a very delicate and complex responsibility for parents and educators. On the one hand, it is not an option to ignore the issue and allow children to do whatever they wish without guidance. That is not chinuch—it is a lack of chinuch. There must be standards, there must be conversations, and, when necessary, there may even need to be consequences. However, on the other hand, those standards must not be enforced in a way that feels like domination, anger, or emotional control. Chinuch in this area must be calm, thoughtful, and measured. The goal is not simply compliance, but internalization. A child must feel that tznius is something meaningful, not something imposed upon her.

Knowing the Difference: Halacha vs. Stringency: A critical factor that is often overlooked is that many parents and educators themselves are not sufficiently familiar with the halachic parameters of tznius. There are differences within halacha itself, such as the distinction between דאורייתא, דרבנן, and additional levels like das Moshe and das Yehudis, and beyond that there are community standards, school policies, and personal family chumros. This raises a difficult but necessary question: is it always wise to create tension, conflict, and even ongoing friction with a child over matters that are not absolute halachic requirements, but rather higher standards or community expectations? While every home has the right to maintain its standards, one must also weigh the emotional and spiritual cost. If enforcement of a non-obligatory stringency leads to resentment toward tznius, then the long-term damage may outweigh the benefit.

A Balanced and Practical Approach: A more balanced approach may be found in distinguishing between environments. Within the home and within the school, it is reasonable and often necessary to maintain a clear, uniform standard, both for structure and for consistency in chinuch. However, outside of those frameworks, if a child chooses to be less stringent—while still remaining within the basic halachic guidelines—there may be room, in certain situations, to allow for a degree of personal choice. This does not mean relinquishing values; rather, it means enabling the child to gradually take ownership over them. Instead of being forced, she begins to choose—and that transition is critical for long-term commitment.

The Emotional Danger: When a Girl Feels “I’m a Bad Person”: Beyond the practical struggle, there is a deeper and more dangerous emotional consequence that must be addressed. Tznius is often presented as a central pillar of a Jewish woman’s observance. As a result, when a girl is repeatedly corrected in this area, she may come to internalize a devastating message: “If I’m not tznius, then I am not a good person.” This mindset can quickly spiral. If she views herself as having failed in what she believes is the most important area, she may begin to question the value of everything else. “If I’m already not good, why should I keep Shabbos? Why should I keep kosher?” This type of thinking is not uncommon, and it is extremely harmful. It must therefore be stated clearly and repeatedly: a person’s worth is not defined by any single area of struggle. A girl who is struggling in tznius is not a “bad person.” She is a growing individual facing a challenge—just like every person has challenges in different areas.

Avoiding Unnecessary Guilt: This point becomes even more critical when the issue in question is not clearly required under halacha, but is rather a matter of chumra, community practice, or school standard. In such cases, it is not only unhelpful, but wrong, to allow a child to carry a sense of guilt or spiritual failure. There must be a clear distinction between what is absolutely required and what is an added level of modesty, so that the child does not confuse the two and internalize an inaccurate—and damaging—self-image.

Conclusion: Teaching Tznius With Tznius: Ultimately, the way tznius is taught must itself reflect the values of tznius. Just as tznius represents dignity, balance, and פנימיות, so too must its education be conducted with patience, thoughtfulness, and emotional intelligence. When taught through pressure and control, it can push a child away. When taught with clarity, respect, and sensitivity, it has the power to become a deeply meaningful part of a girl’s avodas Hashem.

 

Clarifying What Is Halacha and What Is Not

Before addressing enforcement and real-life scenarios, it is absolutely critical for parents and educators to distinguish between what is halacha and what is custom, school standard, or added stringency. Much unnecessary conflict arises simply because this distinction is not made.

Jean skirts: One common example is the issue of jean skirts. While in many communities such dress is discouraged and not seen as refined or appropriate, there is no clear prohibition in halacha against a skirt being made of denim, provided that it is not tight-fitting and does not outline the shape of the body. Therefore, if a girl chooses to wear a loose, modest-length jean skirt, even if it goes against the preferred standard of the home or school, this is not necessarily a violation of halacha. In such a situation, parents must carefully consider whether confronting the issue will lead to growth or will simply create resistance, and whether it is worth entering into tension over something that is not an absolute prohibition.

Stockings: Another example is the wearing of stockings. There is well-known discussion among the poskim regarding whether covering the legs with stockings is an absolute obligation. While the dominant view in many frum communities is that the legs should be covered, there are differing opinions on the matter. Therefore, when dealing with a girl who resists wearing stockings, it is important that parents speak truthfully and not present the issue as something that is forbidden according to all views, when in reality there is room for discussion. This does not mean abandoning the standard, but it does mean presenting it honestly and handling resistance with thoughtfulness rather than exaggeration.

Makeup, nail polish, and style of dress: Additional areas include matters such as makeup, nail polish, and style of dress, as well as how one presents her hair. In many cases, these are not strictly defined by halacha, but are shaped by community norms, family expectations, or school policies. While these standards may be valuable and worth maintaining, they must be presented as such. When everything is framed as absolute halachic obligation, children eventually recognize the inconsistency, and it weakens credibility.

 

When to Speak, and When to Step Back

This leads to a very practical and often difficult question: when a girl is “pushing the boundaries,” how should a parent respond?

If the issue at hand is clearly within the bounds of halacha, then of course it must be addressed. However, when it is within a gray area, or above and beyond the letter of the law, parents must pause and ask themselves:

• Is addressing this now going to build or damage the relationship?
• Will this help her internalize tznius, or will it cause her to resent it?
• Am I reacting out of principle—or out of control?

At times, the wisest course of action may be to say less, not more, and to allow space for gradual growth rather than forcing compliance.

 

Case Study 1: The Jean Skirt Conflict

Leah, a fifteen-year-old girl, began wearing a loose-fitting jean skirt that met all the basic requirements of length and modesty, but did not align with her school’s preferred style.

• Incorrect Approach: Her mother immediately reacted with frustration:
  “Absolutely not. That is not tznius. Girls from our home do not dress like that. Go change right now.” Leah felt controlled and misunderstood. From her perspective, she was still dressing modestly, yet she was being treated as if she had done something wrong. The argument escalated, and while she eventually changed, she did so with resentment. Within weeks, she began finding other ways to push boundaries—this time much further. The mother had “won” the moment, but created ongoing resistance.
• Correct Approach: Instead, the mother could say calmly: “I see what you chose to wear. It does meet basic tznius, but in our home we try to dress in a more refined way. I’m not going to force you right now, but I want you to understand what we value and why.” This approach preserves the relationship, maintains honesty, and allows the daughter to begin thinking rather than reacting. Over time, such conversations often lead to far better results.

 

Case Study 2: The Stockings Struggle

Rivka, age sixteen, began refusing to wear stockings, insisting that she was still dressed modestly.

• Incorrect Approach: Her teacher told her firmly: “This is אסור. It is against halacha. You are doing something wrong.” Rivka later discovered that there were differing opinions on the matter. This caused her to lose trust—not only in the specific rule, but in the broader system of what she had been taught. She began questioning other areas of halacha as well.
• Correct Approach: A more responsible approach would be: “In our school, we have a standard of wearing stockings, and we expect our students to follow it. There are different opinions in halacha, but our community follows this standard, and we want to help you be part of that.” This maintains authority without misrepresenting halacha, and preserves the student’s trust.

 

Case Study 3: The Emotional Fallout

Sara, a sensitive seventeen-year-old, was frequently criticized at home about her level of tznius—her clothing, her style, and her appearance.

• Incorrect Approach: Her parents constantly told her: “You’re not acting like a proper bas Yisroel. This is not who you’re supposed to be.” Over time, Sara internalized a painful message: “I’m not good. If this is so important and I’m failing, then I’m just a bad person.”
  Eventually, she began disengaging—not only from tznius, but from mitzvos entirely. The constant pressure did not bring her closer; it pushed her further away.
• Correct Approach: A healthier approach would be: “We care about tznius, and we want to help guide you—but more importantly, we love you and value you as a person. This is one area of growth, not the definition of who you are.” When a girl hears this message clearly, she can struggle without losing her identity.

 

Final Perspective

These cases highlight a powerful and often overlooked truth: how something is said is just as important as what is said. When parents react with control, exaggeration, or pressure, even correct values can become distorted in the child’s mind. When they respond with clarity, honesty, and emotional sensitivity, even difficult areas can be approached in a way that leads to growth. Tznius is not simply about enforcing behavior—it is about shaping a person’s identity in a healthy and lasting way. And that can only be accomplished when the method of chinuch reflects the very dignity and balance that tznius itself represents.

 

7. How to Handle Insubordinate Children

Among the most difficult challenges in raising children is dealing with a child who resists authority. Insubordination is not merely a matter of a child “not listening”; it can affect the entire emotional climate of a home or classroom. In recent years, parents and educators alike have found themselves increasingly challenged by children who display insubordinate or defiant behavior. What was once addressed with straightforward discipline has become a far more complex and emotionally charged issue. Today’s children are growing up in a world that is fast-paced, overstimulating, and often lacking clear boundaries, while at the same time being more sensitive to issues of respect, autonomy, and emotional validation. As a result, many parents and teachers feel caught between two extremes: on the one hand, the instinct to enforce authority firmly, and on the other, a growing awareness that harsh or authoritarian methods can cause emotional harm and distance, as explained in Chapter 5. The difficulty is not merely behavioral; it is deeply relational. A child who resists instruction, challenges authority, or refuses to comply often leaves adults feeling frustrated, disrespected, and even powerless. Educators must manage classrooms while maintaining order without alienating students, and parents must navigate the delicate balance between guiding their children and preserving a loving connection. The question arises again and again: how can one demand respect without damaging trust, and how can one maintain warmth without losing authority? This article seeks to address these challenges by presenting a thoughtful and integrated approach to insubordinate behavior. Drawing from the perspective of the rebbe—who views each child as possessing inherent dignity and inner complexity—alongside the insights of modern child psychology, this discussion aims to move beyond simplistic solutions. Rather than seeing defiance as something to suppress, it explores how such behavior can be understood, guided, and ultimately transformed into an opportunity for growth. The sections that follow will examine the underlying causes of insubordination, outline the principles of maintaining firm yet respectful boundaries, and offer practical strategies that combine emotional awareness with clear expectations. Through this integrated lens, parents and educators will be equipped not only to respond more effectively to challenging behavior, but to strengthen the very relationships that make lasting change possible.

 

The perspective presented in the following section is drawn from a remarkable body of correspondence—an extraordinary collection of letters written by the Rebbe to an individual educator. These letters, originally composed in English, have come to be recognized as a true treasure, offering profound insight into the challenges of education and the inner world of the child.[6]

“Nowadays such problems with children are very common, and, in fact, probably in the overwhelming majority.” (The Rebbe)

Understanding Insubordination: A Deeper View

An insubordinate child is often seen primarily through the lens of behavior: refusal, argument, resistance, or defiance. Yet to respond effectively, one must look beyond the surface. In many cases, defiance is not simply a rejection of authority, but an expression of inner struggle. A child may be overwhelmed by strong emotions, may have difficulty tolerating frustration, or may feel an intense need for control. What appears outwardly as opposition may internally feel to the child like pressure that is too great to bear. This does not justify the behavior. Boundaries remain essential. However, it does reshape the response. A child who is constantly treated as rebellious may begin to see himself that way. A child who is understood as struggling can be guided differently. It is especially important to recognize that strong-willed children often possess qualities that, when properly directed, become strengths: determination, leadership, independence, and resilience. The goal is not to break this strength, but to guide it.

 

Insights from Child Psychology

Modern child psychology strongly reinforces this view. Research and clinical experience suggest that what is often called “oppositional behavior” may stem from emotional dysregulation, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, or a need for autonomy. Children, especially in their earlier developmental stages, lack the fully developed capacity to manage impulses and articulate complex emotions. As a result, defiance becomes their language. A psychologically attuned adult understands that addressing the behavior alone is insufficient; one must also address the emotional undercurrent. This does not mean removing expectations, but rather pairing expectations with empathy, helping the child gradually build the skills needed for self-regulation.

“It seems from your writing that you are overly anxious, for which there is no real reason.” (The Rebbe)

When the Challenge Is Intense: A Real-Life Perspective

These ideas become clearer when one considers what such children are like in real life. There are children whose reactions to discipline are not mild. They do not simply protest; they escalate. They may scream, cry intensely, throw objects, or lose control for extended periods. In these moments, the usual tools — raising one’s voice, insisting repeatedly, or imposing immediate consequences — may not only fail, but actually make the situation worse. In our own experience, we encountered this with one of our daughters, when she was about four years old. She resisted almost every instruction. Even small requests became issues. If we responded with standard discipline or pressed too hard, she would escalate dramatically — falling into prolonged tantrums, becoming completely overwhelmed, and creating a situation that was unmanageable for everyone involved. Through this experience, it became clear that with such a child, success depends not on increasing force, but on developing judgment — knowing when to engage, how to engage, and when not to engage at all.

 

At this point, one particular episode comes to mind which, in hindsight, reflects both the challenge and, in a certain sense, the nature of such a child. When this daughter was about three or four years old, she had already developed the habit of leaving the house on her own, despite being told repeatedly and quite seriously that she was not allowed to do so. One day, after yet another such incident, we confronted her and asked why she had left the house by herself when she clearly knew that it was forbidden. Without hesitation—and with complete seriousness—she responded, “It’s not my fault that nobody was watching me.” The remark, though disarming, revealed something important. It showed not merely defiance, but a particular way of thinking: a strong sense of independence, a resistance to imposed responsibility in the moment, and an ability to reframe the situation in her own terms. While humorous in retrospect, encounters such as these highlight the deeper reality that with certain children, behavior is not simply about obedience or disobedience, but about how the child understands control, accountability, and her place within the boundaries set for her.

 

Choosing Battles Wisely

One of the most important practical principles is that not every act of defiance must be confronted. Parents often feel that consistency requires correcting every instance of noncompliance. But with a highly reactive child, constant correction creates constant conflict. The child comes to experience the environment as adversarial, and the parent loses the ability to distinguish between what is truly important and what is merely irritating. Choosing battles does not mean giving up authority. It means prioritizing. There are areas that cannot be compromised — safety, respect, and core values. These must be upheld. But there are many smaller issues that, while inconvenient, do not need to be turned into full confrontations. With a child like our above-mentioned daughter, this became essential. Trying to address everything only fed the resistance. Letting certain minor issues go was not weakness; it preserved the ability to address the matters that truly required firmness.

 

Firm Boundaries and Real Consequences

At the same time, clarity is critical. A child must know that certain boundaries are real and will not shift in response to pressure. A common mistake is to give in once the child escalates. This teaches the child that intensity produces results. Over time, escalation becomes the child’s primary tool. Instead, the parent must maintain calm, consistent boundaries. When those boundaries are crossed, there should be consequences — not harsh or reactive, but predictable and steady. The tone matters as much as the action. Consequences should not feel like punishment driven by anger, but like the natural outcome of the child’s behavior. With strong-willed children, this consistency provides security. It communicates that while the child may express strong emotions, the structure around her remains stable.

 

Firmness with Sensitivity

Perhaps the most accurate description of this approach is firmness with sensitivity. These children cannot be handled either with harshness or with complete softness. Too much pressure overwhelms them; too little leaves them without guidance. The parent must learn to combine strength and restraint — to remain firm without becoming forceful, and gentle without becoming permissive. In moments of escalation, this is especially important. When the child is overwhelmed, reasoning is ineffective. Arguing, explaining, or trying to “win” the moment usually intensifies the reaction. In these moments, the parent’s role is to remain calm, limit interaction, and stabilize the situation. The child does not need more words — she needs containment, patience, and time to return to herself.

“A child subconsciously responds to the environment and to the persons with whom the child is in constant contact” (The Rebbe)

 

 

Give the Child a Sense of Control

Strong-willed children often react strongly to feeling controlled. When every instruction is imposed without flexibility, the child experiences the situation as a struggle for autonomy. A practical way to reduce this tension is to offer limited choices within firm boundaries. For example: “It’s time to get dressed. Do you want the blue shirt or the red one?” “We’re leaving now. Do you want to walk or hold my hand?” The boundary remains intact, but the child is given a sense of participation. This small shift can prevent unnecessary struggles and allows the child to feel some ownership within structure.

 

Delegating responsibility to the child

An especially insightful practical approach emerging from the Rebbe’s letters is the importance of channeling a child’s energy into responsibility rather than merely suppressing it. Instead of viewing the defiant child only as one who resists authority, the child can be guided into positions where his strengths are given constructive expression. As the Rebbe writes, “to give a problem child a role of leadership… usually goes a long way to encourage the child’s self-confidence.” In doing so, the adult communicates a powerful message: that the child is not defined by his behavior but by his potential. When a child is entrusted with responsibility—whether helping lead a group, assisting a teacher, or being given a defined role—his sense of self shifts from opposition to contribution. Often, the very qualities that fueled the defiance, such as strong will or assertiveness, become the foundation for growth and positive leadership.

“To give a problem child a role of leadership… usually goes a long way to encourage the child’s self-confidence.” (The Rebbe)

Strengthening Connection and Love

Perhaps most importantly, an insubordinate child often needs more connection, not less. It is natural for parents to feel hurt by resistance and to withdraw emotionally. However, for many children, especially those who are intense, discipline without emotional connection is experienced as rejection. The child must feel clearly and consistently that she is loved, valued, and wanted — not only when she behaves well, but even when she struggles. This requires intentional effort:

• Spending time together outside of moments of conflict
• Showing warmth and affection regularly
• Speaking positively to the child about who she is, not only about what she does

With a child like our above-mentioned daughter, this was essential. Without that emotional foundation, every attempt at discipline felt to her like rejection, and the resistance only increased. When the relationship was strengthened, the same boundaries became more tolerable.

 

The Rebbe

Practical Examples

Consider ten-year-old Yossi, who frequently speaks back to his teacher when corrected. A purely disciplinary response might involve punishment or public reprimand, which may temporarily suppress the behavior but often deepens resentment. A rebbe-informed, psychologically aware response would still address the disrespect firmly—making it clear that speaking back is not acceptable—but would also explore what triggered the reaction. Perhaps Yossi felt embarrassed in front of his peers or struggles with feeling competent in class. By addressing both the behavior and the underlying feeling, the teacher helps Yossi develop healthier ways to respond rather than simply forcing external compliance.

 

Similarly, Leah, an eight-year-old, refuses nightly routines and argues persistently at bedtime. Instead of escalating into a struggle of authority, a balanced approach sets a consistent boundary (“Bedtime happens now”) while acknowledging her resistance (“I see this is hard for you”). The adult may provide limited choices within the structure—such as choosing which pajamas to wear—allowing Leah a sense of agency without compromising the expectation. Through repeated experiences of firm yet empathetic guidance, Leah gradually learns that resistance does not change the boundary, but cooperation maintains connection and calm.

 

In the case of ten-year-old Yossi, who frequently speaks back in class, an alternative to repeated reprimands may be to assign him a structured responsibility—such as helping distribute materials or assisting in organizing an activity. By giving him a role that requires accountability, the teacher reframes Yossi’s self-image from that of a challenger to that of a contributor. This aligns with the Rebbe’s guidance that empowering a child with leadership can transform behavior by strengthening inner confidence rather than weakening it through confrontation.

 

Quick Checklist for Handling an Insubordinate Child

1. Stay calm first
   Don’t react emotionally.
2. Choose your battles
   Only push on what really matters.
3. Give one clear instruction
   Short, calm, no arguing.
4. Offer limited choice
   Give control within your rules.
5. Set the boundary
   “This is not optional.”
6. Follow through (calmly)
   Consequences without anger.
7. Don’t fight the meltdown
   Wait it out, keep things safe.
8. Reconnect after
   No grudges — show warmth.
9. Give lots of attention outside conflict
   Fill their “tank” before problems start.

 

8. ADHD and Impulsivity:

Dealing with a child who struggles with ADHD and impulsivity can be one of the more challenging aspects of parenting and education. The behavior is often unpredictable, emotionally intense, and difficult to manage in real time, leaving parents feeling frustrated and unsure of how to respond. Because of this complexity, there is rarely a simple or immediate solution. This section will not attempt to cover every aspect of the issue, but will focus on a clear, practical direction—helping parents understand the nature of the challenge and guiding them toward the most effective steps, particularly the importance of professional evaluation and structured intervention.

 

When dealing with a child who is highly impulsive, reactive, or prone to emotional outbursts, it is essential to understand that this behavior is often not a matter of willpower or defiance, but of underdeveloped self‑control mechanisms. In many cases, particularly with ADHD, the child experiences emotions and reactions more quickly and intensely than their ability to regulate them.

This has two important implications. First, the child should not be viewed as inherently problematic or difficult in character. Second, effective intervention must focus not only on discipline, but on developing the child’s capacity to pause, regulate, and respond more appropriately. The most effective approach is usually not a single solution, but a combination of professional guidance and structured support. Parents should strongly consider involving qualified professionals who specialize in ADHD. Proper evaluation can clarify whether the child’s impulsivity is part of a broader pattern requiring treatment. Two primary forms of intervention have proven especially helpful:

• Skills-based therapy, such as cognitive or behavioral approaches, teaches the child how to slow down reactions, manage strong emotions, and develop better decision-making habits.
• Medication, when appropriate, can significantly improve impulse control by strengthening the brain’s ability to “pause” before reacting, making behavioral work far more effective.

In many cases, the most successful results come from combining both, rather than relying on one alone. At the same time, it is important for parents to maintain a balanced approach at home. Clear expectations and boundaries are necessary, but they must be paired with patience, consistency, and an understanding that progress is gradual. The focus should be on helping the child improve over time, rather than expecting immediate control in difficult moments.

Ultimately, a child with impulsivity or ADHD should not be defined by these struggles. With the right combination of guidance, support, and professional help, these challenges can be managed effectively, allowing the child’s positive qualities—often including warmth, energy, and strong personality—to emerge in a healthy and productive way.

 

A Real-Life Example: Responding to Emotional Reactivity and Impulsivity

A practical example may help illustrate how this approach works in real life. An eighteen-year-old girl, generally kind and good-hearted but highly impulsive and emotionally reactive, became upset over what appeared to be a relatively minor incident—her mother accidentally getting peanut butter on her shirt. What might have been a small inconvenience quickly escalated into a strong emotional reaction, with the daughter expressing frustration and speaking sharply toward her mother. At that moment, her father stepped in. Rather than immediately correcting her tone or escalating the situation, he first acknowledged her emotional experience, saying calmly, “I understand that this is upsetting and frustrating.” This initial validation helped lower the emotional resistance and showed the daughter that her feelings were being taken seriously. He then followed with a clear and respectful boundary: “But you need to remember who you’re speaking to, and how you speak.” When the daughter continued reacting and attempted to shut him down, he did not engage in a prolonged argument. Instead, he expressed, in a calm but firm manner, that a line had been crossed and that such behavior is not acceptable, and could lead to undesirable consequences that will be far more displeasing for her than her mere peanut butter stain. Significantly, the response remained controlled and measured, without raising his voice or losing composure. The firmness was communicated through clarity rather than intensity. This allowed the message to register without further escalating the situation.

The result was that the daughter, once she came out of the heightened emotional state, was able to stop, reflect, and apologize. This is a critical point: the goal was not to “win” the moment, but to guide the child back toward self-awareness and appropriate behavior.

 

9. When Children Steal: A Balanced and Constructive Approach

The issue of children taking what does not belong to them is, unfortunately, not uncommon. The discovery that a child has taken something that does not belong to him can be deeply unsettling for parents. Feelings of shock, disappointment, and concern about the child’s future are natural. Yet it is important to recognize that such behavior, particularly in younger children, is not uncommon. It does not, in most cases, indicate a serious moral flaw, but rather a stage of development or a signal that something requires attention. At the same time, parents often react in ways that inadvertently worsen the situation. Strong anger, harsh punishment, or labeling the child can create shame and secrecy instead of growth. The purpose of this discussion is therefore not to escalate the response, but to provide a clear and balanced direction—one that addresses the behavior firmly while preserving the child’s dignity and emotional well-being.

 

Understanding What Is Behind the Behavior

One of the most important principles in dealing with theft in children is that the act itself is often only part of the story. Children may steal for a variety of reasons, including:

• Immaturity or lack of clear understanding of ownership
• Poor impulse control
• A desire for attention or connection
• Emotional factors such as stress, frustration, or feeling neglected
• In some cases, simply testing boundaries to see how firm and real the rules are

There are even situations where the child does not particularly want the item, but is driven by the experience of taking it or by the reaction it may provoke. In other cases, the behavior may reflect an unmet emotional need—what the child is “taking” is not the object, but a form of attention or reassurance. For this reason, it is essential to distinguish between the behavior and its cause. The act must be addressed, but the underlying need must not be ignored.

 

The Proper Response: Accountability

The foundation of the parental response should be calm clarity. First, the child must understand that the behavior is wrong. This should be stated clearly, without hesitation and without ambiguity. At the same time, it should be communicated without anger or humiliation. The distinction is critical: the act is unacceptable, but the child is not rejected.

Second, the child should take responsibility in a practical way. This usually includes returning the item, apologizing, or making restitution. This step is essential, as it teaches accountability in a concrete way and reinforces the seriousness of the act without resorting to excessive punishment.

Third, the response should avoid labeling. Describing a child as a “thief” or “dishonest” can be far more damaging than the act itself. A child can internalize such labels, making improvement more difficult. The focus must remain consistently on the behavior, not on the identity of the child.

In addition, excessive punishment—especially responses driven by emotion—should be avoided. Harsh or humiliating reactions often lead to increased anger, secrecy, and repeated behavior rather than correction.

 

Recognizing the Need for Medical Intervention

In some cases, child psychology makes it clear that stealing is not only a matter of discipline or boundaries, but may reflect an underlying impulse-control or emotional regulation difficulty. Certain children struggle to resist urges in the moment, especially those with conditions such as ADHD or other executive-function delays, where acting before thinking is a common pattern.  In more rare situations, repeated stealing without clear need or purpose can even point to a medical or psychological condition such as kleptomania, an impulse-control disorder in which the child feels a strong internal urge to take items and finds it difficult to stop despite understanding that it is wrong. Recognizing this possibility is essential. When stealing becomes frequent, impulsive, or disconnected from normal motives, it should not be treated purely as misbehavior, but as a signal that the child may need professional evaluation. In such cases, a combination of guidance, therapy, and—in certain situations—medical treatment can help address the underlying difficulty and give the child the tools to gain control over his actions.

 

 

9. OTD – Dealing with children who go “Off” The Derech Versus “On” Their Derech

The phenomenon of children moving away from an Orthodox way of life—commonly referred to as going off the derech—is vast, complex, and emotionally charged. It is not a subject that can be responsibly reduced to slogans, quick diagnoses, or simplistic blame. In fact, the depth of this issue is such that it has generated dozens of books, memoirs, studies, and communal initiatives, each attempting to shed light on different aspects of the inner world of those who leave and the families who are left struggling to understand why. By reading across this literature, one begins to grasp the intricate ecology of belief, practice, identity, emotional experience, and community dynamics that shape a child’s journey over time.

In addition to the research and literature referenced in this article, the perspective presented here is informed by extensive firsthand experience. Over the years, I have worked closely with families navigating the pain and confusion of children going off the derech, both through communal involvement and direct engagement with parents seeking guidance. In particular, I served for seven years as a teacher in a yeshivah that worked with boys who were already struggling religiously and emotionally. Many of these students were intelligent, sensitive, and capable young people, often described by their rebbeim and parents as “good kids” who had simply lost their footing. Being present in their daily lives—inside the classroom, during moments of resistance, honesty, and vulnerability—provided a rare window into how complex and non‑linear this process truly is. That experience deeply shapes the approach of this article: one that favors understanding over judgment, responsibility over blame, and connection over fear.

In the sections that follow, we will address several central questions. First, we will examine the most common themes and commonalities that emerge when children and adults describe why they moved away from Orthodox life, drawing carefully from survey data rather than anecdote. Second, we will confront a painful and often unspoken question: does a child going off the derech necessarily mean that the parents did something wrong? Closely related to this is the burden of guilt that so many parents carry—often silently—and we will address when that guilt is misplaced, when it may contain a kernel of truth, and how to respond appropriately in either case.

This article does not pretend to be a complete treatment of the subject. Entire volumes have been written attempting to address children who leave observance, and rightly so. Instead, the goal here is more modest but no less important: to clarify several foundational points that parents must understand if they are to respond with wisdom rather than panic, responsibility rather than guilt, and connection rather than alienation.

We have titled this article OTD, a term commonly understood to mean Off the Derech. While this language is widely used, many have correctly pointed out that it can feel limiting and judgmental. An alternative and more compassionate way of understanding the term is not that these children are “off” a path, but rather that they are on their own derech. This shift in language does not minimize the pain involved, but it opens the door to empathy, humility, and the recognition that each child’s journey is personal, complex, and deserving of respect.

 

1. Why?

Over the past several decades, children leaving Orthodox observance has become a subject of intense interest, pain, and concern within the Jewish community. Parents, educators, rabbanim, and researchers alike have struggled to understand what happens inside the minds and hearts of children who slowly, and sometimes suddenly, choose a different path. Because speculation and anecdote were no longer enough, extensive research was undertaken—most notably large‑scale surveys that sought to listen directly to those who left—to uncover patterns, common experiences, and underlying themes. What emerges from this growing body of research is both deeply intriguing and deeply humbling: a picture far more complex than blame, slogans, or simple explanations would suggest.

One of the most important contributions to this conversation is the comprehensive survey conducted by Nishma Research, presented in 2016, which sought not to prescribe solutions or assign fault, but to listen carefully to those who had left Orthodox communities across Chasidic, Yeshivish, Chabad, and Modern Orthodox backgrounds. The survey which is based on the responses of 800 OTD individuals, makes clear that there is no single pathway, no single trigger, and no single type of home from which children go off the derech. Rather, it reveals a wide range of experiences, often unfolding gradually, shaped by intellectual questions, emotional pain, unmet spiritual needs, and communal dynamics.

 

The Nishma Research findings are particularly instructive here. A majority of respondents reported feeling that they were “pushed away” by internal community experiences rather than “pulled” by the outside world. These experiences included feelings of judgmentalism, lack of openness, unresolved questions, hypocrisy, and emotional or physical harm. Importantly, these are systemic and relational factors; they are not reducible to parental intentions or effort. Many respondents came from religious homes, dedicated families, and sincere parents. This alone should give pause to any simplistic narrative of blame.

A list of reasons mentioned in the survey:

• Philosophical and Intellectual Questions About Judaism

Equally prominent—and in fact the most commonly cited reason overall—were philosophical, theological, and intellectual questions about Judaism itself. Respondents reported struggling with questions of belief, conflicting teachings, historical and scientific challenges, and unresolved doubts about foundational assumptions. Crucially, many did not describe a dramatic break, but a slow process in which unanswered questions accumulated over years. When these questions were met with dismissal or fear rather than honest engagement, faith gradually eroded rather than collapsed suddenly.

• Feeling Overly Restricted by Religious Life

One of the central themes that emerged was a sense that religious life felt too restrictive, confining, or stifling. Many respondents described feeling overwhelmed by constant rules, expectations, and chumros, with little room for personal growth, individuality, or emotional expression. Rather than experiencing observance as meaningful or uplifting, it came to feel burdensome and restrictive. Over time, this sense of suffocation contributed to emotional disengagement and a desire to seek autonomy beyond the religious framework.

• Judgmentalism and Lack of Acceptance

One of the most frequently cited experiences was judgmentalism and lack of acceptance. Many respondents described growing up in environments where deviation, questions, or emotional struggle were met with criticism, gossip, or social exclusion. Feeling constantly evaluated—rather than understood—created a sense that belonging was conditional and fragile. Over time, this eroded trust and attachment, not only to the community but to the religious framework that appeared to sanction such behavior.

• When There Is No Room for Questions

Closely related was a lack of openness and space for questions. A significant number of respondents reported that sincere intellectual, theological, or moral questions were discouraged or dismissed. When doubts were met with slogans, silence, or fear rather than engagement, questioning itself became a source of alienation. Importantly, the survey indicates that this process was often gradual; many individuals described years of internal struggle before any outward change in behavior occurred.

• Hypocrisy and Double Standards

Another recurring theme was the experience of hypocrisy and double standards within religious life. Respondents spoke of strict enforcement of minor rules alongside perceived tolerance of serious ethical failures, particularly when power, status, or money were involved. For some, this created a deep moral dissonance: a sense that the values taught did not align with the behavior modeled. This tension weakened confidence in the system as a whole, even when belief in God remained intact.

• Experiences of Harm and Communal Failure

The survey also documents more severe experiences, including emotional, physical, or sexual harm, and the mishandling of such cases by communal authorities. While not universal, these accounts are present across denominational lines and carry significant weight. Respondents who reported such harm often described profound disillusionment—not only because of what happened, but because of how it was dismissed, minimized, or silenced by those meant to protect them.

• Internet and Secular Exposure

In addition to the internal factors that push some children away, it is important to recognize the role that exposure to the broader world can play in shaping a child’s religious journey. The internet, social media, and easy access to secular ideas have created an environment in which questions, alternative lifestyles, and critiques of religion are only a click away. For some young people, this exposure does not cause them to leave, but it accelerates or crystallizes doubts that were already present beneath the surface. Online spaces often provide validation, community, and language for feelings they never expressed at home or in school. This does not mean that the outside world is inherently dangerous, nor that parents can or should attempt to seal their children off from it entirely. Rather, it highlights the need for open communication, intellectual honesty, and emotional safety within the home, so that when children encounter challenging ideas, they feel comfortable processing them with the people who love them most.

• Why This Is Not Simply a Parenting Story

What is critical to emphasize is that these factors are systemic and relational. They arise from the interplay of community norms, institutional responses, and cultural expectations. They cannot be reduced to parental intention, effort, or sincerity. Indeed, many respondents came from homes they themselves described as religious, committed, and well‑meaning. A substantial number were raised by parents who invested deeply in chinuch, observance, and family life. This reality alone should give serious pause to any simplistic narrative that locates blame solely—or even primarily—at the level of parenting.

 

Other Factors not mentioned in the Survey

• Mental Health Factors

While the reasons children leave observance are varied, it is important to acknowledge that mental health challenges often play a significant role in the process. Many young people who struggle with anxiety, depression, trauma, or emotional dysregulation find it difficult to engage with religious expectations that require stability, focus, and internal calm. These struggles are not signs of rebellion or ideological rejection; they are reflections of inner pain. When a child is overwhelmed emotionally, religious practice can feel impossible, not because they do not care, but because they are fighting battles that others cannot see. Recognizing this dimension helps parents respond with compassion rather than frustration, and reminds us that emotional wellbeing is often the foundation upon which spiritual life is built.

• Bad Chinuch and Religious Trauma Within the Home

While many parents provide warmth, stability, and sincere chinuch, it is important to acknowledge that some children experience religious life through the lens of fear, pressure, or emotional pain created within the home itself. When Yiddishkeit is presented harshly—through constant criticism, unrealistic expectations, punitive discipline, or the use of religion as a tool of control—children may internalize Torah as something frightening rather than life‑giving. In some cases, parents unintentionally communicate that love is conditional on religious performance, or that mistakes are met with shame rather than guidance. These patterns can create what is now commonly called “religious trauma,” in which the child’s emotional wounds become intertwined with mitzvos, halachah, or the image of Hashem. This does not mean the parents lacked good intentions; often they were simply repeating what they themselves were taught. But it does mean that healing requires honesty, compassion, and a willingness to rebuild the child’s experience of Judaism on a foundation of safety, dignity, and unconditional love.

• School Experiences

For many children, the school environment plays a central role in shaping their relationship with Yiddishkeit. Experiences of academic failure, harsh discipline, bullying, or feeling unseen by teachers can create deep emotional wounds that become intertwined with religious identity. When a child associates Torah learning with humiliation or fear, disengagement from observance may follow—not because they reject Judaism, but because they are trying to escape the pain connected to their school years. This is why it is essential for mechanchim and parents to be attuned to what a child is experiencing in the classroom and the beis midrash. Often, repairing a child’s relationship with Yiddishkeit begins with healing their relationship with the institutions meant to nurture them.

• Personality and Temperament Differences

Children are not identical, and their spiritual journeys reflect their unique personalities. Some are naturally independent, intellectually curious, or highly sensitive. Others struggle with conformity or feel suffocated in environments that emphasize uniformity over individuality. These traits are not flaws; they are part of the child’s God‑given nature. When a child with a strong sense of autonomy or a deep emotional inner world encounters rigid expectations, the tension can lead to withdrawal rather than connection. Understanding a child’s temperament allows parents to tailor their chinuch with greater wisdom, recognizing that what works beautifully for one child may be counterproductive for another.

• Gender‑Specific Pressures (Especially for Girls)

While many OTD themes are universal, girls often face unique pressures that deserve acknowledgment. Expectations surrounding tzniyus, social image, emotional maturity, and communal judgment can create intense internal conflict. For some girls, the constant scrutiny of appearance or behavior becomes overwhelming, leading them to associate religious life with pressure rather than dignity. Others feel limited by gender roles or lack meaningful avenues for spiritual expression. These experiences do not reflect a rejection of Torah values, but rather a struggle to find a place within a system that may not always address their emotional and developmental needs. Sensitivity to these gender‑specific challenges can help parents and educators support girls with greater empathy.

 

Taken together, these findings strongly challenge the simplistic explanation that children go off the derech primarily because of messed‑up parenting, dysfunctional homes, or a single flaw in the system. While there are certainly cases in which instability, neglect, or serious failures in the home or community play a significant role—and these cannot be ignored—the research makes clear that such situations do not represent the majority. For most respondents, leaving was not the result of one obvious problem or one clearly identifiable failure, but rather a complex process shaped by intellectual, emotional, relational, and communal factors unfolding over time. This reality calls for far greater nuance than the reflexive tendency to assign blame to parents or families.

 

An answer of the Rebbe relating to the cause of children going off the Derech:[7] In response to a letter written by the organization Nishei U’benos Chabad regarding the trouble faced with rebellious youth, and the message that they should give to the public, the Rebbe responded as follows: Based on the words of the Rebbe Rayatz, the suffering r”l that [parents] have from the youth at times come [as is evident in a number of Sefarim] as a result of leniencies in Taharas Hamishpacha and modesty. And from the positive you can understand the negative, that the Tzenius of Kimchis brought seven Kohanim Gedolim.

 

1. Deflecting Parental Guilt: You are not alone – Many Tzadikim had OTD children

One of the most painful and enduring struggles parents face when a child goes off the derech is overwhelming parental guilt. Many parents torment themselves with questions of “What did I do wrong?” or “If only I had done things differently.” This self‑blame often compounds the already profound pain of watching a Jewish child step away from the way of life in which they were lovingly raised—a way of life parents themselves cherish deeply and often sacrificed greatly to pass on. It is essential to recognize that this experience is not unique, nor is it evidence of parental failure. Throughout our history, even great tzadikim and deeply committed parents had children who chose a different path. While honest self‑reflection has its place, crushing guilt is neither justified nor helpful, and it should not be allowed to eclipse love, perspective, or hope. Chazal themselves acknowledge this reality, and there are well‑known examples across generations in which righteous, devoted parents raised children who ultimately chose differently. It must also be stated clearly that even among the children of Rabboseinu Nesieinu, there were children and descendants who went off the derech.[8] This reality appears throughout our history and across generations. In no way does this reflect a failure, wrongdoing, or lack of kedushah on the part of their holy parents or grandparents. This does not excuse parental responsibility, but it does refute the notion that a child’s departure is, by definition, a moral indictment of the family.

 

1. Taking Responsibility and Having Open Conversation

Rejecting unjustified guilt does not mean rejecting reflection. If a parent recognizes genuine mistakes—harshness, inconsistency, emotional distance, or failure to listen—then the proper response is not self‑punishment but teshuvah: acknowledging wrongs, apologizing sincerely, and working to repair the relationship where possible. The survey above highlights how meaningful it is to those who have left when parents or family members offer understanding, respect, and a willingness to maintain connection despite differences.

 

1. Family alienation – Handling the relationship with the OTD child

This leads to another critical issue we will address: family alienation. The data and the lived experiences reflected in the survey show clearly that cutting off children, shaming them, or severing relationships often causes deep and lasting harm, and rarely brings a child closer to Torah. Many respondents describe enduring pain from loss of family connection even years after leaving their community, underscoring how dangerous and counterproductive alienation can be.

In truth, children must receive a clear and consistent message that they are loved and cherished regardless of the choices they make. This is not only because it reflects the natural and unbreakable bond between parents and their children, but also because it reflects the eternal bond between Hashem and the Jewish people. Hashem’s love for a Jew does not disappear when observance weakens, and in a certain sense, that bond exists even when the relationship is strained. Modeling this truth within the family is itself a powerful form of chinuch.

From a practical perspective, continued love and inclusion are also the most effective long‑term way of sustaining a child’s connection to Yiddishkeit. When a child who has gone off the derech remains accepted and involved—still welcome at Shabbos meals, still part of family simchos, still surrounded by the same Jewish home and community—they are far more likely to retain meaningful points of connection. Even if they are not putting on tefillin every day, remaining part of Jewish family life often ensures that they do not lose their Jewish identity altogether. In many cases, especially later in life or after marriage, children find their way back in some form, often precisely because they were embraced rather than rejected during their most difficult years.

That said, this is far easier to write than to live. The emotions parents experience when a child goes off the derech are intense and complex. The pain is not only about the child departing from a religious way of life, but often feels like a personal rejection of the parents themselves—their values, sacrifices, and identity. Feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal, and shame are common and human. These emotions cannot simply be dismissed, and ignoring them often makes matters worse.

Because of this complexity, parenting in such situations should never be done alone. Decisions should be made with the guidance of a qualified therapist and an experienced rav who understands both halachah and human psychology. Alienation should never be undertaken lightly, and never without the explicit guidance of both a rav and a therapist—and even then, only in the most dire circumstances. This is not merely a question of chinuch or family dynamics; it is a matter of pikuach nefesh. Alienation does not only push a child further away from Judaism, but can also lead to severe emotional consequences, including depression and, tragically, suicidal thoughts.

One thing must be stated unequivocally: parents should never sever ties with a child who has gone off the derech without extreme necessity and professional guidance. Love, connection, and dignity are not concessions—they are lifelines.

 

1. Expelling the child from the house Versus allowing him to remain at home

Last—but certainly not least—we must address one of the most difficult and emotionally charged decisions parents may face when dealing with a child who has gone off the derech: may the child continue to live at home?

The dilemma the parents face: Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for parents, driven by deep anger, hurt, and resentment, to respond by removing the child from the home. This decision is often fueled by multiple fears and pressures: the child’s open rebellion, refusal to follow household rules, concern over the influence on younger siblings, and the intense anxiety that the rest of the family will be drawn toward an unorthodox lifestyle. Parents may also invoke the principle of “my house, my rules,” believing that order and boundaries require decisive action.

Don’t judge the parents: It is critical to state at the outset that we must never judge parents who face this decision without fully understanding their circumstances. There are, at times, situations in which it is genuinely unhealthy—for the child or for others in the home—for the child to remain. Such situations are not unique to OTD cases and may arise for a variety of reasons unrelated to religion. Acknowledging this reality is part of honest and responsible guidance.

Never expel from home in anger: That said, what must be firmly rejected is the practice of removing a child from the home as a form of punishment. As emphasized in the previous section, expelling a child out of anger, frustration, or as a means of asserting control is not only counterproductive—it is often deeply damaging. Such actions typically push the child further away, harden resentment, and sever precisely the relationships most needed for healing and influence.

How to ask a child to leave: If, after careful consideration, it becomes clear that the child cannot remain in the home, this decision must be made—and communicated—with extraordinary care. It should be carried out with love, openness, and profound sadness, not wrath. The conversation should be honest and deeply emotional, marked by tears, vulnerability, and a true heart‑to‑heart exchange. The child must understand that this is an agonizing decision for the parents, not taken lightly, not driven by anger, and not reflective of rejection or abandonment.

There is a way back home: Most crucially, the child must always know that there is a way back home. Even if a moment arrives when the child is lovingly asked to leave the house, they must be absolutely certain that this is not a rejection of who they are, nor a severing of the relationship. They must know that if circumstances change, the door remains open—and that they are still wanted, still loved, and still part of the family, especially on Shabbos, Yom Tov, and family occasions. The message must be unmistakable: you are not being abandoned. Even if the child disagrees with the decision or feels hurt by it, they must be convinced that it was not made out of hatred, anger, or rejection, but out of painful necessity and deeper considerations.

A heart written letter: For this reason, it is often wise—when such a decision is unavoidable—for parents to express these sentiments explicitly, and even in writing. A heartfelt letter given to the child before they leave, articulating the parents’ deep love, pain, and longing for continued connection, can serve as an emotional anchor during a profoundly destabilizing time. Such a letter should clearly state that the parents hope and pray for the child’s return home if and when circumstances allow, and that the relationship remains intact regardless of living arrangements. When handled this way, even separation does not become abandonment; the bond of love and belonging is preserved.

Professional guidance – Never make this decision alone: Such a step to ask a child to leave the family home should never be taken without the guidance of both an experienced rav and a qualified therapist. These decisions lie at the intersection of halachah, psychology, and family dynamics, and no parent should navigate them alone. The role of professional guidance is not merely technical—it is essential in helping parents process their own emotions and avoid irreversible harm.

Avoiding the need for the child to be asked to leave: Importantly, many situations that initially appear untenable can in fact be managed through adjusted expectations and negotiated boundaries. Rebellion against rigid rules often reflects an inability to tolerate total control, not an outright rejection of family connection. Through open conversation and flexibility, parents can often establish workable agreements that allow the child to remain at home while preserving the religious environment. Such agreements might include maintaining Shabbos and kashrus in all public areas, refraining from influencing younger siblings, and showing respect for the home’s religious character—even if the child does not personally observe everything privately.

Alternative options: When remaining in the home truly proves impossible, a secondary option may be to help the child live elsewhere in a supported and connected way—for example, assisting with a dormitory arrangement or separate living space, while maintaining close family ties. Even then, the goal must remain connection, dignity, and continued relationship, not exile.

When Remaining at Home Is the Healthiest Option: It is important to recognize that there are many more families than is commonly acknowledged who have children that went off the derech yet continued to live at home and maintained warm, respectful, and meaningful relationships with their parents and siblings. No two cases are alike, and going off the derech does not automatically mean that a child is angry, rebellious, or hostile toward their parents. In many situations, the child remains respectful, values family connection, and poses no real harm to the religious environment of the home. In such cases, there is no justification for asking a child to leave simply because they are no longer observant or because parents are hurt or disappointed by that reality. Mere lack of observance should never, on its own, be a reason to remove a child from the home. More serious considerations—such as actively influencing younger siblings, persistent disrespect, constant hostility, or creating an unsafe or volatile home environment—may at times require difficult decisions, but these are fundamentally different issues. When tension is manageable and the child is willing to live with basic boundaries and respect, remaining at home is often not only possible, but the healthiest and most constructive option for the entire family.

 

1. All Hope is Not Lost – Changing Your Perspective

It is important for parents of OTD children to hold space for hope. Quite often, a child’s time off the derech is not permanent. Many parents have witnessed that after a period of searching, questioning, and distance, their child finds their way back to Judaism—sometimes with deeper conviction, greater sincerity, and a more personal connection than before. There are many cases in which this journey, difficult as it is, ultimately strengthens the child’s Jewish life rather than weakens it. Chazal and our mesorah remind us that spiritual growth is not always linear; at times, stepping back is what allows a person to move forward. Avraham Avinu himself began his journey by leaving the world of his upbringing in order to arrive at a truer and more profound relationship with Hashem.

Furthermore, even when many years have passed and a child continues to live a secular life, there is still much for parents to recognize and take pride in. A child who builds a stable home, raises children, works honestly, contributes to society, and lives a constructive and responsible life reflects values that the Torah itself cherishes—human dignity, productivity, and moral responsibility. Being productive and contributing to civilization is not merely a secular achievement; it is deeply consistent with Torah values. History itself offers moving examples of children of religious homes who left observance yet later played decisive roles in saving Jewish lives and strengthening the Jewish people, all while maintaining warm and respectful relationships with their families. Such stories remind us that a child’s worth, and a parent’s pride, cannot be measured by observance alone.

 

1. OTD First Aid –What You Can Do as a Parent

When parents first realize that their child is no longer observant, the initial discovery is often accompanied by shock, fear, panic, and a sense of loss. These emotions are natural. However, how parents respond in the earliest stages can have a powerful and lasting impact on the child and on the future of the relationship. The goal at this stage is not to fix, convince, or correct—but to stabilize, preserve connection, and prevent unnecessary harm.

Controlled First Reaction: The first and most important principle is self‑regulation. Screaming, panic, threats, and anger—while understandable—nearly always escalate the situation and push the child further away. When first hearing such information, a parent’s response should be calm, measured, and focused on safety rather than reaction. A proper initial response might be something as simple as: “Wow… this is a lot for me to take in. I’m feeling surprised, and we’ll talk about it in a calm and measured way. I love you, and I’m here.” The goal at that moment is not to react, question, or correct, but to create a sense of stability and emotional safety before any further discussion takes place. If an instinctive emotional reaction occurred, it is critical to repair it quickly. Parents should follow up with a calm conversation, acknowledging the emotional response and reaffirming their unconditional love for the child. A simple statement such as, “I reacted strongly because I was scared and hurt, but I love you no matter what,” can go a long way in restoring safety and trust.

Take a breath and strategize – Calmness and Patience: At the outset, it is important that no extended conversation take place in the immediate reaction to the discovery. A person must first give himself the space to pause, regain composure, and properly settle his emotions. Only after taking a step back, reflecting on the situation, and placing it in proper perspective should one begin to think through and plan an appropriate and thoughtful response. To manage initial feelings of pain and frustration, it is important for the parent to recognize that a child’s departure from the derech, as difficult as it is, is often part of a process and is not permanent. Parents should remind themselves that their response plays a significant role in influencing the course and duration of this period, and that a calm, measured, and thoughtful approach can meaningfully contribute to guiding the child toward a positive direction over time. Thus, parents should also resist the urge to rush solutions.

Resolve to love: Upon becoming aware that a child has gone off the derech, the initial and most critical step is for the parent to arrive at a clear and deliberate internal resolution that their love for the child remains absolute and unconditional. This love should not be contingent upon the child’s choices or behavior, but must be consistent, steadfast, and unaffected by changing circumstances.

Reassuring statements for parents to tell themselves: OTD is a process, not an event. Many children move through phases of struggle, exploration, and questioning. Reacting with urgency or ultimatums can turn a temporary stage into permanent alienation. Remaining calm, consistent, and emotionally available often does more to keep doors open than any argument ever could. At the same time, parents may strengthen themselves with the understanding that every child has his or her own journey and path. Even situations that appear as distance may ultimately be part of a longer process of growth. Remember as well that a baal teshuvah can reach a level even higher than a tzaddik.

• Parents may also draw strength from the recognition that even the greatest outcomes can emerge from the most difficult beginnings. Chazal teach that Mashiach ultimately descends from Menashe, a king who strayed significantly and whose very birth was initially resisted by his father, Chizkiyahu, out of concern for the future. This serves as a profound reminder that what appears at present to be failure or distance does not define a child’s ultimate trajectory. Even a child who seems far removed, or who is acting in ways deeply troubling to the parent, carries within him the potential for extraordinary growth and contribution to the world and to Yiddishkite itself. Holding onto this perspective can help the parent remain anchored in love rather than fear.
• Parents may also draw strength from the well-known example that even the Rebbe himself had a brother who departed from the path of Torah observance, and yet he maintained a deep and unwavering love for him. This serves as a powerful illustration that a child’s current state does not diminish their inherent worth, nor does it justify any weakening of the parent’s bond. On the contrary, it underscores the responsibility to preserve a relationship rooted in acceptance, dignity, and enduring love, regardless of the child’s present choices.
• Parents should take care not to lose perspective regarding the rest of their children. Continued guidance, influence, and investment in their growth must remain steady and uninterrupted. At the same time, one must guard against falling into a state of undue bitterness or despair, ensuring that the overall atmosphere of the home remains one of strength, stability, and positive direction.

The first meeting of discussion – Take the child out to a restaurant and listen: Early on, parents should prioritize connection over confrontation. One effective approach is to take the child out of the house for a neutral, non‑threatening setting—such as a quiet restaurant or walk—and invite conversation. The initial goal is not debate or persuasion, but listening. Parents should ask open‑ended questions and allow the child to share their struggles, questions, and experiences without interruption. Conduct a thoughtful and sincere conversation with your child, with the objective of gaining a deeper understanding of the factors that have led him to choose this path. This discussion should be approached with sensitivity, patience, and openness, coupled with a genuine effort to help him identify and work through the underlying issues in a constructive and supportive manner. At this stage, lecturing, debating theology, or applying pressure usually backfires. Feeling heard is often the prerequisite for any future influence. It is often beneficial, particularly for the initial conversation, for both parents to be present together if they can present a united, calm front. The presence of both the mother and the father can create a more balanced and measured atmosphere, allowing each to support the other and helping ensure that the response remains thoughtful, composed, and guided by reason rather than by heightened emotion.

Expressing unconditional love: At that initial conversation—often best done outside the home, in a calm and neutral setting such as a quiet restaurant as stated above—it is essential that the first and clearest message the child hears is unconditional love. Before discussing concerns, boundaries, or religious questions, parents should state plainly and repeatedly: “We love you no matter what. Nothing you do can change the fact that you are our child.” These words are not assumed; they must be spoken outright. When a child senses safety and love, defensiveness softens and honesty becomes possible. This expression of unconditional love does not mean approval of every choice, nor does it deny parental pain—it simply establishes the foundation on which any meaningful conversation can occur. Without this reassurance, even well‑intended guidance may be heard as rejection rather than care.

Love Without Denial – Expressing Pain While Remaining Connected: It is also important to caution against the opposite extreme response, in which parents attempt to show complete emotional neutrality, saying in effect: “Nothing has changed. I am perfectly happy with your choices. I feel no pain, no disappointment, and this does not affect me at all.” While unconditional love is essential, total emotional indifference is neither realistic nor healthy. In every area of life, there are choices a child can make that justifiably cause their parents pain—whether stealing, seriously harming another child, or engaging in destructive behavior. In such cases, parents do not withdraw love, but they also do not pretend that nothing hurts. Similarly, unless it is clearly inappropriate or counterproductive in a specific case, it is important for a child who has gone off the derech to understand that their parents are saddened and affected by this choice, even while continuing to love them deeply.[9] Expressed properly, disappointment communicates honesty, care, and emotional authenticity, not rejection. The message should be: “This hurts us because what you do matters to us—but you are still our child, and our love for you is unchanged.” When a child truly feels how deeply they are loved—and how much pain their parents experience over their disengagement from Judaism—this relationship itself can become a powerful motivating force. In families where love, honesty, and respect are strong, this awareness alone may lead a child to reconsider their choices, or at the very least to maintain respect for the home and its values, even during their period off the derech.

Establishing rules and Guidelines: At the same time, it is appropriate—and often necessary—to establish clear, manageable household guidelines, especially when the situation is identified early. Clarity prevents escalation. These guidelines should focus on respect, safety, and preserving the home environment rather than enforcing private observance. For many families, this means maintaining Shabbos and kashrus in public spaces, refraining from influencing younger siblings, and avoiding behavior that undermines the family’s religious life—while allowing the child space for personal choice in private. Flexibility and realism are key; rules must be set at a level the child can reasonably handle.

Professional guidance for the parents: Throughout this process, professional guidance is essential. Parents should not navigate these waters alone. Consulting with an experienced therapist and a rav who understands both halachah and human psychology can help parents clarify boundaries, process their own emotions, and avoid reactive decisions—particularly regarding discipline, living arrangements, or family dynamics.

Professional help for the child: If, through open and honest conversation, it becomes clear that there are deeper or more serious underlying issues—such as depression, anxiety, trauma, addiction, or emotional distress—then it is critical to set aside stigma and act decisively to get the child the help they need. This may involve speaking with a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist, and there should be no hesitation or shame in doing so. In such cases, the child’s well‑being and safety must take precedence over all else. As painful as it may be for parents to accept, a child’s emotional health and stability are more important than their level of religious observance at that moment. A healthy child has the capacity to grow, heal, and eventually reengage with life—and possibly with Judaism—whereas an untreated emotional struggle can lead to far more serious and lasting harm. Getting proper help is not a failure of chinuch; it is an act of responsibility and love.

Compassion: Finally, parents must remember that their primary role is not enforcement, but relationship. Even when limits are required, they must be delivered with dignity and love. The long‑term goal is to ensure that the child knows—and always knows—“My parents are my safe place.” That sense of safety is often the strongest factor in whether a child eventually reconnects with Torah, family, or Jewish life in any form. This is not a promise of outcomes. It is guidance for presence. And presence—steady, compassionate, and grounded—is often the most powerful tool parents have.

 

🟦 OTD First Aid – Key Principles for Parents

 

⚡ 1. Initial Reaction – Stay Regulated

• Stay calm—no panic, anger, or threats
• Give a safe, steady response
• Example:
  👉 “This is a lot to hear… we’ll talk calmly. I love you, I’m here.”
• If you reacted emotionally → repair quickly

 

🧠 2. Pause & Think Before Acting

• Do NOT rush into long conversations
• Step back, calm yourself, and process first
• Remember:
  • OTD is often a process, not permanent
  • Your reaction can influence how long it lasts

 

❤️ 3. Anchor Yourself in Unconditional Love

• Make a firm internal decision:
  • Your love is not dependent on behavior
• This is the foundation for everything else

 

💭 4. Strengthen Your Perspective (For Yourself)

• OTD is often a phase of questioning and growth
• Every child has a unique path
• A baal teshuvah can reach very high levels

🔥 Chizuk:

• Greatness can come from struggle
• Mashiach comes from Menashe → even difficult beginnings can lead to greatness
• Never define a child by their current state

✨ Example:

• The Rebbe loved his brother deeply—even when he was not observant

 

🏡 5. Maintain Strength in the Family

• Keep guiding your other children
• Avoid despair or negativity (merirus)
• Maintain a stable, positive home environment

 

🤝 6. First Conversation – Focus on Connection

• Best setting:

✅ Neutral (walk / restaurant)

• Goal:
  ✅ Listen, not persuade
• Use:
  • Open-ended questions
  • No arguing, lecturing, or pressure

👨‍👩‍👧 Tip:

• Ideally both parents present if calm and united

 

❤️‍🩹 7. Clearly Express Unconditional Love

• Say explicitly: 👉 “We love you no matter what”
• This creates safety → reduces defensiveness
• Without this, everything else feels like rejection

 

⚖️ 8. Love Without Denial

• Do NOT pretend nothing hurts
• Keep balance:
  • ❤️ Love remains
  • 😔 Pain is real

👉 Message: “Your choices hurt us—but you are still our child.”

 

📏 9. Set Clear Boundaries

• Maintain basic household structure:
  • Respect
  • Shabbos/kashrus in shared spaces
• Be:

✅Realistic
✅Consistent
✅ Non-forceful on private behavior

 

🩺 10. Get Professional Guidance

For parents:

• Therapist + knowledgeable Rav

For child (if needed):

• Address:
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Trauma
  • Addiction

👉 Mental health comes before everything

 

💞 11. Core Principle: Relationship Over Control

• Your role = connection, not enforcement
• Goal: 👉 “My parents are my safe place”

✅ This is the biggest long-term influence

 

✅ One-Line Summary

👉 Stay calm, preserve the relationship, express unconditional love, set realistic boundaries, and don’t lose hope.

 

 

[1] See https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10834-020-09748-y ; https://www.lewismandell.com/child_allowances_-_beneficial_or_harmful

https://homegrownwonder.com/should-kids-earn-an-allowance-for-chores-a-look-at-the-debate/

 

[2] Pela Yoeitz Erech “Galus”

[3] See Sefer Hasichos 5747 1:57, 70, 245-246, 289; 5748 1:247-250, 316; 5749 1:207-208, 309; 5750 2:503; Toras Menachem Hisvadyus Volume 7 p. 72; 5746 4:173-183; 5747 1:206-212, 515, 604; 2:239 and 244, 339; 5747 1:207-212, 281; 2:245, 631; 5748 1:510, 615; 3:47; Likkutei Sichos 24:104-106; 25:307, 320; 29:247; Igros Kodesh 10:165; 11:17; 13:81; 21:326; Otzer Hamelech 1:195; Devar Melech p. 37; Kuntrus Rav – Moreh Derech of Rav Buket Chapter 1

[4] Parshas Bereishis; See our corresponding Sefer “The Chassidishe Parsha – Torah or Likkutei Torah” or the following link: https://shulchanaruchharav.com/chumash/bereishis/bereishis/parshas-bereishis-torah-or-the-danger-of-having-exposure-to-evil-behavior-through-media-and-television

[5] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERp2fSsWe2w

[6] Teshurah Simpson 5772

[7] Published in Mibeis Hamalchus p. 131; K’far Chabad Vol. 746

[8] On a personal note, it is worth acknowledging that some choose to obscure this reality rather than confront it openly. At times, non‑observant children or relatives of tzadikim are quietly reclassified or spoken about in softened terms, not out of deception, but out of a desire to avoid pain or embarrassment for the Rebbe’s Family. In this article, we deliberately chose not to name any rabbeim or righteous figures whose children or descendants may have gone off the derech, as names are unnecessary for the point to be made. In my experience, however, there is great Chinuch and emotional value in stating this truth openly. Doing so helps parents understand that they are not alone, that this phenomenon can occur even in the most devoted and holy families, and that a child’s choices do not, by themselves, define the worth, sincerity, or righteousness of the home from which they came.

[9] See Igros Kodesh 12 p. 5 where the Rebbe writes a similar context regarding a child who has strayed from the proper path, such a situation must certainly awaken a deep feeling of pain and bitterness over the fact that even for a short time the child has departed from the path of Torah and mitzvos, for every single moment is precious. This feeling is particularly appropriate—and indeed necessary—for those who bear responsibility for the child’s education. However, the true expression of this feeling must not lead to despair or withdrawal. On the contrary, its proper conclusion is to strengthen one’s efforts on behalf of that child—to increase in care, attention, and investment in guiding him back. Under no circumstances should this lead, G‑d forbid, to giving up on the child, but rather to renewed and intensified dedication toward his growth and return.