📖 Chapter 23: Tzenius – Arayos Chinuch & Katan Laws

Chapter 23: Tzenius – Arayos Chinuch & Katan Laws [1]

Introduction: Chinuch in Matters of Arayos and Kedushah

Among all areas of Torah education, few subjects require as much wisdom, sensitivity, and balance as the education of children in matters relating to arayos, modesty, personal boundaries, and kedushah. On the one hand, the Torah obligates parents and educators to preserve the innocence and purity of a child. On the other hand, children cannot be left without guidance in matters that are fundamental to their spiritual and emotional wellbeing. The challenge is therefore to provide the proper education at the proper time and in the proper manner.

Unlike many areas of halachah, where obligations begin only once a child reaches the age of chinuch or maturity, the foundations of kedushah begin much earlier. The impressions formed during childhood often accompany a person throughout his entire life. What a child sees, hears, experiences, and becomes accustomed to during his formative years helps shape his attitudes toward holiness, modesty, family life, and interpersonal relationships. Accordingly, Chazal and the Poskim devote considerable attention not only to the actual prohibitions of arayos, but also to how children should be educated in these matters from a young age.

The topics addressed in this chapter are diverse, yet they all share a common objective: cultivating an environment of kedushah and healthy boundaries. Included in this discussion are the laws of exposure and modesty, sleeping arrangements, physical affection between relatives, bathing and swimming practices, kol isha, yichud-related concerns, the role of children in public and religious settings, and the obligation to protect children from inappropriate influences and harmful individuals. While some of these subjects stem from explicit halachic prohibitions, others relate primarily to chinuch, refined conduct, and preventative safeguards established to preserve purity and moral integrity.

A recurring theme throughout this chapter is that the standards applicable to children do not always mirror those applicable to adults. Certain restrictions begin only when a child reaches physical maturity, while others begin once a child develops awareness, shame, or understanding. In some instances, the letter of the law remains permissive, yet greater standards of conduct are encouraged as part of a broader program of chinuch. Care must therefore be taken to distinguish between absolute prohibitions, educational guidelines, customary practices, and acts of piety.

Furthermore, every child is unique. Differences in maturity, personality, environment, and circumstance often affect how principles of chinuch are best implemented. Therefore, while this chapter seeks to present the halachic framework and practical guidance found in the sources, successful application ultimately requires the wisdom and discretion of parents and educators who know the child and can apply these principles in a balanced and constructive manner.

The Torah’s approach to these matters is neither one of silence nor one of excessive exposure. Rather, it is a path of thoughtful guidance, gradual education, and appropriate boundaries. By instilling healthy attitudes toward kedushah from an early age, parents and educators help lay the foundation for a life of sanctity, self-respect, strong moral character, and faithful adherence to the values of Torah and mitzvos.

 

Important Disclaimer:

The broader subject of sexuality, bodily development, and how these subjects should be discussed with children has already been addressed at length in Volume 1, Chapter 6, Halacha 5. The reader is strongly encouraged to review that chapter, as the principles and guidelines presented there will not be repeated here. While some readers may be tempted to skip that discussion, doing so would be a mistake. The proper education of children in these matters is a critical component of chinuch, both from a Torah perspective and from the standpoint of healthy emotional and psychological development. Many parents naturally find these subjects uncomfortable to discuss, yet they remain among the most important responsibilities entrusted to a parent. Accordingly, before proceeding, this is an opportune time for the reader to revisit that chapter and refresh himself in its guidance and practical recommendations.

 

1. General Principles of Chinuch in Arayos

Before discussing the individual laws contained in this chapter, it is necessary to establish several foundational principles that govern the entire subject of chinuch in matters of arayos, tznius, and kedushah. Unlike many other areas of halachah, where obligations begin at a clearly defined age, the laws relating to arayos often depend on multiple factors, including physical development, emotional maturity, personal awareness, and the child’s ability to understand the significance of his or her actions. Accordingly, various ages and developmental stages appear throughout the halachic literature, each carrying different ramifications.

 

A. Chinuch versus actual obligation

A distinction must be made between the actual prohibition and the obligation of chinuch. In many areas of arayos, a child may not yet be subject to the full prohibition from the letter of the law. Nevertheless, parents remain responsible to gradually educate their children in standards of modesty, privacy, and personal boundaries long before the formal prohibition applies.

Accordingly, many practices that may technically remain permitted for a young child are nonetheless discouraged as part of the child’s educational development. Thus, throughout this chapter one will frequently find situations in which the letter of the law permits a certain conduct, while proper chinuch dictates that children should nevertheless be trained to act more stringently. This is especially true in matters involving modesty, where habits formed during childhood often accompany a person throughout his life.

 

B. Age of maturity

Many laws discussed in this chapter depend on a child’s reaching a stage of halachic adulthood or maturity. However, there is no single universally applicable definition of maturity. Depending on the subject under discussion, the Poskim use several different criteria.

In some cases, maturity is defined by chronological age, generally eleven years old for a girl and twelve years old for a boy, while in other contexts it follows the standard ages of bas mitzvah and bar mitzvah. In yet other cases, age alone is insufficient and one must consider signs of physical development or personal maturity. Accordingly, whenever this chapter references a child reaching an age of maturity, one must examine the particular halachah being discussed and the criteria relevant to that specific subject.

 

C. Age of shame and modesty-awareness

One of the most important indicators found throughout the Poskim is the age at which a child becomes embarrassed to be unclothed before others. Chazal viewed such embarrassment as evidence that a sense of modesty and personal privacy has begun to develop. Once this awareness emerges, numerous halachos become affected.

Thus, in many areas relating to sleeping arrangements, bathing, seeing relatives unclothed, and similar matters, the determining factor is not necessarily chronological age but rather whether the child has reached a level of maturity in which he or she would be uncomfortable appearing unclothed before a parent, sibling, or another individual. In practice, this awareness often develops years before bar or bas mitzvah.

 

D. Physical development

In addition to age and emotional maturity, halachah often recognizes physical development as an independent factor. Signs of puberty and bodily maturation can alter a child’s halachic status even prior to reaching the typical age thresholds. Accordingly, many laws involving exposure, co-sleeping, physical affection, and related matters become more restrictive once a child begins to physically mature.

This principle explains why many Poskim emphasize not merely a child’s age, but also whether the child has begun to develop physically. As physical development varies from child to child, parents and educators must exercise judgment and sensitivity when applying these laws in practice.

 

E. Chinuch before formal obligation

A recurring theme throughout this chapter is that the acquisition of holiness begins well before the onset of legal obligation. Numerous authorities emphasize that children should be educated from a young age regarding modesty, proper boundaries, and guarding their eyes and thoughts, even where no actual prohibition yet applies. Likewise, many families adopt higher standards from early childhood in order to cultivate sensitivity toward matters of kedushah and tznius.

The rationale is simple. While the formal obligations of halachah often begin only at a later stage, character development begins from birth. The attitudes and standards which become second nature during childhood frequently remain with a person throughout adulthood. Accordingly, many practices discussed in this chapter are recommended not because a child is already prohibited from the conduct, but because they serve as an important foundation for future observance and personal holiness.

 

Summary

Throughout the laws of arayos, several distinct developmental milestones are recognized by halachah:

1. The age of chinuch, when a child can begin to understand standards of proper conduct.
2. The age of shame and modesty-awareness, when the child becomes embarrassed by exposure.
3. The onset of physical development and puberty.
4. The age of halachic adulthood, when the child becomes fully obligated in the mitzvos.

Since different halachos utilize different milestones, one cannot assume that a single age governs every law discussed in this chapter. Rather, each subject must be evaluated according to the particular criterion established by Chazal and the Poskim for that area of halachah.

 

2. Seeing and Exposure

A. Seeing relatives unclothed:

Until what age may parents see their children of opposite gender unclothed? It is permitted for parents to see their children of the opposite gender unclothed until the child reaches the age or signs of adulthood.^[2] Adulthood is defined either by age [i.e. 11 years old for a girl], puberty [i.e. pubic hair], or maturity [i.e. the child reaches an age that he is ashamed to be unclothed in from of the parent].^[3] When any of the above-mentioned signs of adulthood is present, it is forbidden for the parent to see their child of the opposite gender unclothed.

May children see their parents of opposite gender unclothed? From the letter of the law, it is permitted for children to see their parents of opposite gender unclothed until the child reaches the age or signs of adulthood.^[4] The age of adulthood is defined either by age [i.e. 11 years old for a girl], puberty [i.e. pubic hair], or maturity [i.e. the child reaches an age that he is ashamed to be unclothed in from of the parent].^[5] When any of the above-mentioned signs of adulthood is present, it is forbidden for a child to see his parent of the opposite gender unclothed.^[6] Furthermore, once a male child reaches this age, it is forbidden for him to see even his father unclothed.^[7] Nevertheless, many are accustomed as a Midas Chassidus and an extra act of piety and purity to abstain from allowing even small children of the opposite gender from seeing their parents unclothed from the time of birth.^[8] [Per the Rebbe’s directive of not seeing impure animals starting from birth, this would even more so apply regarding not seeing immodestly dressed man/women starting from birth.^[9]]

 

1. May a man Daven or learn within sight of his daughter, sister or mother who is not fully dressed?

Adult relatives: It is forbidden for a man to learn Torah or pray or say a blessing within sight of an adult relative who has part of her body uncovered which must normally be covered due to Tznius. This includes all relatives, whether it be one’s mother, daughter, sister or wife. A girl is considered an adult in this regard when any of the signs of adulthood are present, whether age [11 years old], puberty [hair], or maturity [shame]. [Thus, if the legs/feet^[10], upper arm^[11], or chest of these women are viewable, he may not Daven or learn until he turns away.^[12]]

Children relatives: Some Poskim^[13] rule it is permitted to learn Torah and Daven in view of a daughter [granddaughter, sister^[14]] who is not modestly covered, if the girl is below the age of adulthood, as defined above [i.e. below age 11 and has not reached puberty or maturity].^[15] Other Poskim^[16] however argue and rule it is forbidden to Daven and learn in view of the improperly clothed female relative just like any other girl.^[17] [Accordingly, once a daughter or sister have reached the age of three and above^[18] one may no longer Daven or learn in their view when they are not properly covered.]

 

3. Bathing and showering

1. Until what age may parents bathe their children, and may they shower together?

From the letter of the law, it is permitted for parents to bathe their children of opposite gender until the child reaches the age or signs of adulthood.^[19] The same applies regarding showering together that so long as the child has not reached the age of adulthood, it is permitted. The age of adulthood is defined either by age [i.e. 11 years old for a girl], puberty [i.e. pubic hair], or maturity [i.e. the child reaches an age that he is ashamed to be unclothed in from of the parent].^[20] When any of the above-mentioned signs of adulthood is present, it is forbidden for a parent to see his child of the opposite gender unclothed, and it is forbidden for the child to see his parent of the opposite gender unclothed. Furthermore, once a male child reaches this age, it is forbidden for him to see even his father unclothed.^[21]

Midas Chassidus regarding showering together: Many are accustomed as a Midas Chassidus and an extra act of piety and purity to abstain from allowing even small children of the opposite gender from seeing their parents unclothed from the time of birth.^[22] [Per the Rebbe’s directive of not seeing impure animals starting from birth, this would even more so apply regarding not seeing immodestly dressed man/women starting from birth.^[23]]

 

1. Until what age may siblings of opposite gender bathe together:

It is possible to learn that it is permitted for siblings of opposite gender to bathe together until the child reaches the age or signs of adulthood.^[24] The age of adulthood is defined either by age [i.e. 11 years old for a girl], puberty [i.e. pubic hair], or maturity [i.e. the child reaches an age that he is ashamed to be unclothed in from of others].^[25] When any of the above-mentioned signs of adulthood is present, it is forbidden for them to bathe together. Nevertheless, practically, parents are to educate their children to avoid bathing together even from a much younger age. Furthermore, many are accustomed as a Midas Chassidus and an extra act of piety and purity to abstain from allowing even small children from seeing others of the opposite gender unclothed from the time of birth.^[26] [Per the Rebbe’s directive of not seeing impure animals starting from birth, this would even more so apply regarding not seeing immodestly dressed man/women starting from birth.^[27]]

 

 

 

1. Male Relatives bathing together – Mikveh:^[28]

The Talmud^[29] prohibits one from bathing together with his father or step father^[30], or father in-law^[31], or sister’s husband [brother in-law].^[32] Some Poskim^[33] extend this prohibition even against bathing with one’s brother, however other Poskim^[34] permit regarding a brother.

One was already in the bathhouse when relative arrived:^[35] Even in the event that one is already in the bathhouse and one of these relatives arrives, this prohibition applies and he is to leave the bathhouse.^[36]

Age of prohibition by child: It is permitted for a son to bathe with his father/brother of until the child reaches the age or signs of adulthood.^[37] The age of adulthood is defined either by age [i.e. 11 years old for a girl], puberty [i.e. pubic hair], or maturity [i.e. the child reaches an age that he is ashamed to be unclothed in from of the parent].^[38]

The custom today:^[39] In today’s times, it is customary to permit bathing together, being that their private areas are covered in the bathhouse with a bathing suit and there is thus no worry of it leading to forbidden thoughts. [If however, they are unclothed in the bathhouse, then it is forbidden to bathe with the above relatives from the letter of the law.^[40] Nonetheless, even today the widespread custom is to permit immersing in a Mikveh together with the above relatives, even though the private areas are not covered.^[41] This is accustomed even amongst G-d fearing Jews.^[42] Nevertheless, it is best to distance oneself from the above situation.^[43]]

 

Q&A May a father bathe with his young son? It is questionable whether the above prohibition applies towards a young son.[44] [Practically, the custom is to be lenient, as stated above.]

 

4. Beaches and swimming

A. May one take a male child to a women’s beach

From the letter of the law, there is no prohibition for male children who are prior to reaching the age of Chinuch, and possibly up until the age of puberty, to visit a female beach [such as with his mother, sister etc].^[45] Nevertheless, practically, one is to be particular to educate his children from a young age in matters of Tznius and Shemiras Eiynayim in order so they abide by these matters when they are older.^[46] Many are accustomed to start being careful in this matter from when the son is age 2-3.^[47] Some are even accustomed as a Midas Chassidus and an extra act of piety and purity to abstain from bringing male children of any age [even a new born] to a women’s beach in order to guard his eyes in holiness from the time of birth.^[48] In fact, the Talmud^[49] states that it is for this reason that Hashem made the breasts of a woman by her chest, unlike an animal, in order so the child does not see her Beis Haerva. [Per the Rebbe’s directive of not seeing impure animals starting from birth, this would even more so apply regarding not seeing immodestly dressed women starting from birth.^[50]]

 

B. May one take a Female child to a Men’s beach

Female children may not be brought to a male beach starting from age three, when they must follow the laws of modest dress.^[51] [If they are dressed appropriately, there is no prohibition for them to be present, although it is improper for them to view men in an immodest state.]

 

✍️ From the Rav’s Desk: May Brothers and Sisters Swim Together? Until What Age Is It Permitted?

Question:
Our family is renting a vacation home this summer with a swimming pool. We have both boys and girls of various ages, including some older children. We would like to know: until what age may brothers and sisters swim together? Does it make a difference whether they are dressed modestly? Today there are modest swimsuits available for girls that provide proper coverage. How does this affect the halacha?

 

Answer

If the children are not dressed modestly and parts of the body are exposed in a manner that creates issues of tznius [i.e. wearing regular swimsuits], then brothers and sisters should not be swimming together once they reach an age of maturity and awareness. This age is generally defined by signs of puberty, a girl’s reaching approximately eleven years of age, or when the child reaches an age at which he or she would be embarrassed to be unclothed in front of others.

 

It should be emphasized that the concern primarily arises when both siblings have reached, or are approaching, this age of maturity and modesty-awareness. Thus, a fourteen-year-old brother swimming together with his five-year-old sister is not comparable to a fourteen-year-old brother swimming together with his twelve-year-old sister. A young child who has not yet reached an age of modesty-awareness is generally not included in these concerns. However, parents should gradually educate their children to maintain greater standards of modesty from a much younger age and not wait until the age of halachic adulthood.

 

All the above applies when wearing revealing swimwear. If, however, the boys and girls are wearing genuinely modest swimwear that properly covers the body in accordance with the laws of tznius, then the concern of seeing one another unclothed does not apply in the same way. In such a case, there is considerably more room for leniency, although every family should structure things in a manner consistent with proper standards of modesty and refinement.

Explanation

While the Poskim do not explicitly discuss siblings swimming together, they do discuss a closely related issue: the permissibility of opposite-gender siblings being unclothed in each other’s presence.

The Poskim rule that opposite-gender siblings may not sleep unclothed together once they reach the age or signs of adulthood. From this ruling it may be inferred that opposite-gender siblings should likewise not regularly view one another in states of undress once that level of maturity has been reached.

The Poskim define this stage through several indicators:

• Physical signs of puberty.
• A girl’s reaching approximately eleven years of age.
• The child reaching an age of personal maturity in which he or she feels embarrassed to be unclothed in front of others.

Once any of these indicators are present, it is no longer appropriate for opposite-gender siblings to be bathing or swimming together in a manner that involves immodest exposure.

 

Now, the above discussion applies when both children have reached an age of maturity, puberty, or modesty-awareness, or are close to that stage. However, when one of the siblings is still a very young child, there is much greater room for leniency. Thus, a fourteen-year-old brother swimming together with his five-year-old sister is not comparable to a fourteen-year-old brother swimming together with his twelve-year-old sister. A young child who has not yet reached an age of modesty-awareness is generally not included in these concerns.

 

Nonetheless, many families are accustomed to a higher standard of conduct and begin training children long before this age not to expose themselves before siblings of the opposite gender. Indeed, some are careful from infancy to minimize exposure to immodest sights, based on the principle that what a child sees becomes deeply imprinted within his mind and can affect him later in life.

 

At the same time, there is a significant distinction between swimming while insufficiently clothed and swimming while properly covered. The concern discussed by the Poskim revolves around seeing one another unclothed or immodestly dressed. Accordingly, when boys and girls are wearing swimsuits that provide proper halachic coverage and conform to standards of tznius, the primary concern is greatly reduced. Therefore, families with older boys and girls should strongly consider requiring modest swimwear once the children are old enough to understand concepts of modesty and personal privacy, rather than waiting until the onset of puberty.

 

Practical Table

Brother	Sister	Dress	Ruling
Young child (e.g. 0-10 years old)	Young child (e.g. 0-10 years old)	Standard children’s swimwear	Permitted
Teenager	Young child (e.g. 0-10 years old)	Standard children’s swimwear	Generally permitted
Adult or teenager	Young child	Modest swimwear	Certainly permitted
Teenager	Teenager approaching maturity	Non-modest swimwear	Should not swim together
Teenager	Teenager approaching maturity	Modest swimwear that properly covers the body	Greater room for leniency, although families should maintain proper standards of tznius
Adult brother	Adult sister	Non-modest swimwear	Forbidden
Adult brother	Adult sister	Fully modest swimwear	Depends on circumstances; families should maintain appropriate standards of modesty and separation

 

Sources

• The prohibition of opposite-gender siblings being unclothed together once signs of adulthood are present: Michaber Even HaEzer 21:7; Michaber O.C. 73:3-4; Admur 73:3; Perisha E.H. 21; Elya Rabbah 73:5
• The derivation that opposite-gender siblings should not view one another unclothed once reaching maturity: Poskim cited regarding sleeping unclothed together
• The definition of adulthood through age, puberty, or personal maturity and modesty awareness: Poskim discussed in the laws of siblings seeing one another unclothed
• The directive to educate children toward greater standards of modesty even before adulthood: Kav Hayashar ch. 2
• The concept that what children see becomes engraved in their minds and influences them later in life: Kav Hayashar ch. 2; Hisvaaduyos 5744 (20 Mar-Cheshvan); Sichos of the Rebbe regarding preventing children from viewing inappropriate sights

The practice of pious families to avoid exposing even young children to immodest sights of the opposite gender: Kav Hayashar; Sichos of the Rebbe ibid

 

 

 

5. Sleeping Arrangements

1. Family Co-sleeping [i.e. parent’s and children] of opposite gender sleeping together on the same bed?^[52]

With clothing:^[53] It is permitted for a parent and child of the opposite gender [i.e. mother with son, father with daughter] to sleep together in the same bed if they are both [fully^[54]] dressed in Tzenius clothing/pajamas. This applies at any age, even if the child is now an adult [and even if the child is married^[55]]. [The same applies for a grandparent and grandchild of opposite gender, that they may sleep together on the same bed when both are properly clothed.^[56] It is however forbidden for a brother and sister who have reached adulthood to sleep together on the same bed even if both are clothed.^[57]]

Without clothing:^[58] If the child or parent^[59] is undressed [or partially undressed^[60]] it is forbidden to sleep together with an opposite gender child once the child reaches the age of adulthood. Prior to the child reaching age, it is permitted for the parents to sleep together even if both are completely undressed.^[61] [However, it is improper for a mother to cuddle with the child once he reaches a certain age, even if he is below the definition of adulthood.^[62]]

When is the child considered to have reached adulthood?^[63] There are a number of signs of adulthood, some depending on age and others depending on signs of puberty and maturity:

1. Age: Once the child reaches the age of 12 for a girl and 13 for a boy [i.e. Bar/Bas Mitzvah], he/she is considered to have reached adulthood, irrelevant of signs of puberty or maturity.^[64] Some Poskim^[65] rule once the child reaches the age of 11 for a girl and 12 for a boy, he/she is considered to have reached adulthood, irrelevant of signs of puberty or maturity. [Seemingly one is to be stringent.]
2. Puberty: Once the child shows signs of puberty, such as; growing pubic hair and breasts [for a daughter] he/she is considered to have reached adulthood even below age 12/13.^[66]
3. Maturity: Once the daughter is mature enough to be embarrassed to be undressed in front of her father, and once the son is mature enough for the mother to be embarrassed to be undressed in front of her son, it is considered that the son/daughter have reached adulthood, irrelevant of their age.^[67] [Accordingly, in most cases the child/parent may not sleep together unclothed even many years prior to the child reaching puberty or Bar/Bas Mitzvah, as the child is already embarrassed to be seen unclothed.^[68] It goes without saying that a parent who feels Hirhurim for the child when unclothed, must stop co-sleeping from that age and onwards.^[69]]

 

Summary: Parents and grandparents may co-sleep with children of any age or gender if both are properly clothed. If not properly clothed, the parent/grandparent may not co-sleep with a child of opposite gender once: a) the child reaches age 11 for a girl, 12 for a boy; b) has grown signs of puberty; c) Is embarrassed to be undressed in front of the other. Siblings of opposite gender may not sleep together even if clothed, once they have reached the above age or signs of maturity.

 

B. May brothers and sisters sleep in the same room? [70]

There is no prohibition for brothers and sisters to sleep in the same room during childhood. However, as children mature, approximately from age six, separate sleeping arrangements should be provided. Particular care should be taken that children of opposite genders are dressed appropriately when sharing a room and that standards of privacy are maintained.

 

 

 

C. Male Co-sleeping – May unrelated boys/men sleep together on the same bed? [71]

It is forbidden for two men/boys to sleep together in the same bed.^[72] This applies even if the men are married, and certainly if they are both single.^[73] This applies even if they are brothers.^[74] One is to protest against one who does so.^[75] This certainly applies in this generation.^[76] [Thus, in Yeshiva, Bochurim are never to sleep together on the same bed. The same applies in hotel rooms that there should only be one man/boy on a bed. Hence, when making reservations, it is the responsibility of the Yeshiva/camp to make sure that everyone will have a place to sleep without needing to double up on the same bed. The same applies when friends order a hotel room, that only one person should sleep on each bed. The same applies during camping trips that when sleeping in a tent, they may not sleep under the same blanket or sleeping bag, and are each to have their own corner in the tent. Likewise, during sleepover parties, boys may not sleep on the same bed, whether they are friends, relatives, or brothers. Even more so, one may not sleep on the same bed as a sibling of the opposite gender. It is the job of the parent to ensure this and prevent their children from innocently stumbling on a matter of severe prohibition.]

The law by a father and son: It is permitted for a father and son of any age to sleep together in the same bed if they are both dressed.^[77] The same applies for a grandparent and grandson.^[78]

 

Q&A From what age does the above restriction begin from? The above restriction begins once one of the boys reach the age of adulthood [i.e. puberty, or 12 years for a boy, or embarrassment to be seen naked[79]].[80] Nonetheless, it is proper to be careful in this once one of the boys has reached age 6, and at the very least from age 9.[81]   May three or more boys/men sleep together on the same bed?[82] From the letter of the law, this is permitted to be done, although due to it possibly arousing forbidden thoughts, it should not be done.

A letter of the Rebbe Rayatz on the subject:[83] In answer to the letter….The supervision over the dormitories [in Yeshiva’s] is very much necessary. It is a great responsibility given over to the heart…..as aside for the basic supervision over the boys that they read Kerias Shema Sheal Hamita, and cover their heads when they sleep, and wash hands and say Brachos in the morning, aside for all this, and mainly, periodically [the dorm councilors] need to visit the dormitory when the boys are sleeping to make sure that two boys do not sleep on the same bed etc etc, as regarding this the children and adolescents transgress as they are not informed of the great sin that they are doing to their souls, and body r”l, and they must be guarded very well.

 

D. Female Co-Sleeping – Does the prohibition against two boys sleeping on the same bed also apply to girls and women?

From the letter of the law, there is no prohibition for two girls or women to sleep together on the same bed.^[84] Nevertheless, despite the technical permissibility, it is proper to avoid this practice, particularly among older girls and women.^[85]  Thus, whenever reasonably possible, each girl should be provided with her own bed or sleeping arrangement, once she’s reached an older age.

 

✍️ From the Rav’s Desk: Girls Shabbaton

Question:

Is it permitted for two girls to sleep on the same bed? We are having a Shabbaton for high school girls and do not have enough beds in our location for every girl to sleep in their own bed?

 

Answer:

From the letter of the law it is permitted to sleep in the same bed [unlike the law regarding boys] although practically it should be avoided. Accordingly, you should bring blowup mattresses for those girls who don’t have a bed.

 

Sources:

Letter of law: Setimas Kol Haposkim; See Mishneh Zavim 4:1; Kesef Mishneh Mitamei Mishkav Umoshav 9:4;

Practical Avoidance: See Shabbos 65a “Avuha Deshmuel would not allow his daughters to sleep together” While the worry of sin between two women is not on the level of severity as the sin of two men, nonetheless, practically, doing so can cause forbidden feelings to be aroused within a girl, and hence practically it is to be avoided not just in order to prevent sinful temporary thoughts, but also to prevent a possible lust from entering the persons heart which may take years to battle and overcome. וד”ל ואין להאריך בדבר שהצניעות יפה לו והארכנו כבר די והותר וכל מי שיש לו מוח בקדקדו ויודע מצב הדור מבין חשיבות הענין

 

6. Physical Affection and Contact

A. Hugging and kissing relatives: [86]

It is forbidden to hug or kiss any of one’s relatives, including one’s adult sister or aunt^[87] [and uncle, niece, nephew, cousins^[88]] and the like, with exception to a father/mother and daughter/son, as will be explained. This prohibition applies even though there is naturally no physical attraction towards the relative, and one receives absolutely no pleasure at all from the act of hugging or kissing them.^[89] Hugging or kissing such relatives is a most deplorable act, and is a forbidden act^[90], and is the doings of a foolish person, as one is not to bring himself in physical closeness with any relative of the opposite gender, whether she is an adult or a child.^[91] [Relatives are not to hug or kiss children of the opposite gender beginning from nine years for a boy and three years for a girl, with exception to one’s children, grandchildren, and siblings, as will be explained.^[92] An uncle is thus not to hug or kiss his niece once she reaches three years of age^[93] and an aunt is not to hug or kiss her nephew once he reaches nine years of age. It is forbidden for a cousin to hug or kiss his cousin of the opposite gender, once he/she reaches the above age.]

Parents, Grandparents, children and grandchildren:^[94] Kissing and hugging is permitted between parents and their children, even if they are of the opposite gender [and even if the children are now adults^[95]]. Thus, a mother may hug and kiss her son [of any age] and a father may hug and kiss his daughter [of any age]. [See Q&A regarding if she is married!] Kissing and hugging is likewise permitted between grandparents and their grandchildren of the opposite gender.^[96]

Brother/sister who are still children: It is permitted for one to hug or kiss his sibling of the opposite gender even if they have reached the age of nine years for a boy and three years for a girl. It is thus permitted for a brother to hug and kiss his three-year-old sister.^[97] [It is likewise permitted for a sister to hug and kiss her nine-year-old brother.] This allowance applies until the child begins to become physically developed^[98] which is approximately 11 years old for a girl and 12 years old for a boy.^[99] [However, some^[100] write that one is to be careful in this matter from age six.]

 

Q&A May a parent/grandparent hug a married daughter/granddaughter? Some Poskim[101] rule it is permitted for a father or grandfather to hug and kiss his daughter/granddaughter even if she is married. Other Poskim[102], however, rule it is forbidden for them to kiss or hug a married daughter/granddaughter. Practically, it is permitted to do so[103], although one who desires to be stringent upon himself is blessed.[104]   Relatives showing affection in public:[105] It is permitted for a father/mother/grandfather/grandmother to engage in non-affectionate touch with their daughter/son/granddaughter/grandson even in public. [It is possible to learn in the Poskim that it is however forbidden for them to engage in affectionate touch in public, such as hugging and kissing.[106] On the other hand, one can argue that affectionate touch between such close relatives does not lead others to any immoral thoughts.[107] Practically, since in most situations it is not obvious to others that the two are father/daughter etc one is to be stringent, and so rule some Rabbanim of today.[108] However for a parent/grandparent to hug their young child in public is certainly permitted.[109]]   May one shake hands with his/her sister/brother? Some Poskim[110] write it is permitted to shake hands with one’s sister that one has not seen for many years.[111]   If a parent sees a male relative hugging or kissing their daughter who is above age three, is he obligated to stop them from doing so? One is not required to protest the relative[112], especially in a case that the relative may take this personally. However, one should explain to the relative and daughter the Halachas of touch, at an appropriate occasion.

 

1. Placing head in arms:^[113]

It is forbidden for even close relatives, such as a father, grandfather and brother, to place their heads on the laps or on the chest of their daughter, granddaughter or sister.^[114] [The same applies vice versa.] Thus, if the above relatives need to check each other’s hair for lice, they may only do so without having the head of the relative rest on their body.

 

1. Checking lice:^[115]

It is permitted for close relatives, such as a father, grandfather and brother, to have their heads checked for lice by their daughter, granddaughter or sister. [The same applies vice versa.] This may be done even in public, in the face of others.^[116] However, it is forbidden to place their heads on each other’s laps or chest while the hair is being checked, even in private. [It is forbidden for a daughter in-law to check her father-in-law’s head for lice.^[117]]

 

D. Helping a child cross the street

One may assist a child of the opposite gender in crossing the street or in other activities necessary for the child’s safety and wellbeing, even if it involves holding her hand. Such contact is not considered an act of affection and is done solely for the child’s protection. Similarly, teachers, caregivers, relatives, and other responsible adults may help a child when reasonably necessary for the child’s safety, health, or care.

 

E. Adopted child-Yichud and affectionate touch [hugging and kissing]: [118]

It is forbidden for a parent and an adopted child of opposite gender to be in Yichud, or hug and kiss, once the child reaches the age of Yichud, [which is three years old for a girl and nine years old for a boy^[119]].^[120] However, some Poskim^[121] have been Milameid Zechus for those who are lenient in this matter if they were adopted prior to them reaching the age of Yichud prohibition. Practically, most Poskim^[122] completely negate this opinion, and the Rebbe’s position on this matter was clear, that Yichud and hugging and kissing between the adoptive parent and child is forbidden irrelevant as to the age of the child when the adoption took place.^[123] The Rebbe pressed for this matter to be publicized. Practically, most God-fearing adoptive parents are careful in this matter.^[124]

 

F. May a couple show affection in front of children:

Halachic aspect:^[125] Once one’s child knows to talk one is not to touch affectionately in front of them, just as is the law regarding any other person. It would thus be forbidden for the couple or parents to engage in open affection, such as hugging, kissing and holding hands in front of their children, just as it is forbidden to do so in public, and so is the custom of all G-d fearing Jews.

Educational aspect: Arguments pro and against showing affection in front of one’s children have been given from an educational perspective. Some claim doing so is a positive thing that helps one’s children know that the parents love each other and introduce love to their lives. Others counter that doing so makes the children uncomfortable, as they are not interested in seeing a display of intimacy between their parents. It can also lead the child to have a heightened desire for his own intimacy for a partner, prior to marriage. One can educate one’s children in showing love and teach them that their parents love each other by performing acts of kindness to each other in their presence, and speaking respectfully to one another. Practically, as stated above, it is forbidden to show affectionate touch in front of others which would include one’s children.

 

G. How to explain public intimacy when witnessed by one’s children?

If one’s children witness other couples kissing, and the like, in public, there are several approaches one can take to explain this to the child. One can choose to ignore the issue and not bring it up and not give a direct answer when asked. Alternatively, one can tell the child that what was done is wrong and disgusting and have them believe that kissing is an inappropriate act. Alternatively, one can tell the child that it is something done by married couples who love each other, although is only to be done in private and not in public. One can explain that the above couple hence did a permitted action in the wrong area, and that is immodest. Obviously, the answer given must remain appropriate for the age of the child.

 

7. Kol Isha and Related Exposure

A. General Rule

The singing^[126] voice of a woman is [Rabbinically^[127]] an Erva.^[128] This applies whether she is single^[129] or married, and even towards the voice of one’s own wife^[130] [even while she is pure^[131]]. [This applies to woman of all ages, whether old or young, and to women of all levels of attraction.^[132] Being that the singing voice of a woman is an Erva, it contains certain restrictions, such as learning Torah or Davening in its presence [Halacha A], or even simply listening to it even during non-learning/Davening times [Halacha B]. Likewise, a woman is not to sing in the presence of men in order not to make them stumble.^[133]]

May a woman sing if there are men present who can hear her voice?^[134] No.^[135]

May girls/women sing in private if their voices can be heard to the outside?

• At an event, such as a Farbrengen, is it permitted for women to sing even though their voices can be heard to the outside?

As stated above, it is forbidden for men to listen to a women’s voice of singing even if there are many women singing simultaneously, and even if he does not see the woman. It is therefore proper for women and girls to avoid singing in areas that men can hear their voices.^[136] This applies even towards girls in school and the like, when singing for spiritual purposes.^[137] However, some Poskim^[138] rule that one cannot protest those girls who gather in private to sing as part of their spiritual education, such as the singing of Niggunim or Davening.^[139] In such a case, the men are obligated to remove their minds from the women’s voices.^[140]

 

B. From What Age is Kol Isha an issue

Question:
Rabbi, is it permissible for me to watch on my computer the recording of my fourth-grade daughter’s school production, in which her classmates, including her, are singing?

 

Answer:
There is no issue of kol isha when listening to a girl who has not yet reached puberty sing. As one can assume that fourth graders have yet to reach this age, it is permitted from the letter of the law to watch and listen to the play together with your daughter. However, once a girl has reached the age of perhaps ten, and certainly eleven and twelve, then one may not hear her sing due to kol isha.

 

However, it should also be noted that all of the above discussion relates strictly to the letter of the law. Certainly, one who chooses to be stringent—even with regard to very young girls—and refrains from listening to a girl’s singing voice is engaging in an act of added holiness (chumrah), and such conduct is worthy of respect. Indeed, it is customary among many segments of Orthodox Jewry, particularly within more chareidi communities, for fathers to avoid attending singing performances of their daughters, even when the daughters are very young. Accordingly, while watching a school production under the circumstances described above is technically permitted, many choose, as an expression of personal piety, to refrain from doing so, and so is the proper custom to be followed. Nevertheless, there is certainly no basis for stringency to the extent of asking others to silence the video in one’s presence in order to avoid hearing their voices, if one is not watching the production at all and just happens to be present in the room.

 

Explanation

The two prohibitions: The prohibition of kol isha contains two separate categories to which it is relevant. The first is the intrinsic prohibition against hearing a woman sing due to the prohibition of arayot. This is similar to other prohibitions relating to a woman’s beauty, such as looking at uncovered parts of her body or deriving enjoyment from her appearance.

The second category is a prohibition against hearing a woman sing while one is engaged in tefillah or limud Torah.

Does the prohibition apply to a single non-Erva girl: With regard to the second category, all authorities agree that the singing voice of even a single woman is prohibited. Meaning, even if a woman is not considered an ervah [such as ones wife who is Tahor], her singing may not be heard while praying or learning Torah. However, with regard to the intrinsic prohibition, and therefore the question of whether it is forbidden to listen to a single woman who is not an ervah singing outside the context of prayer or Torah study—as is the case in the question above—the vast majority of poskim rule that the prohibition of kol isha applies only to an ervah.

Definition of Erva: An ervah is defined as a woman who is a forbidden relative, a married woman, or a woman who is a niddah. Single girls who have not yet started menstruating are not considered ervah, and therefore it is permitted to hear them sing. However, single girls who have already reached the age at which menstruation has begun are considered niddah, and therefore it is forbidden to listen to their singing voice. Likewise, single girls who are forbidden unto oneself due to Arayos, such as ones wife’s younger sister, are considered an Erva even from a very young age.

The practical age of Erva for Kol Isha: Based on above, the prohibition of Kol Isha applies to all girls beginning from the age at which they start menstruating. As a result, it is certainly forbidden to listen to the singing voice of girls above the age of bas mitzvah, since, based on this reality, all single girls at that age are presumed to be niddah. With respect to girls who are below the age of bas mitzvah and who have not yet reached the beginning of menstruation, there is some discussion among contemporary poskim regarding from what age their singing voice becomes prohibited. Some authorities maintain that the prohibition applies only from the age of eleven, and that below age eleven one may assume that the girl has not yet begun menstruation, and therefore it is permitted to listen to her singing. Others, however, write that one should be stringent from the age of ten, as this is an age at which menstruation can and does sometimes begin, and such an occurrence is not uncommon. Others go as far as to write that one is to be stringent from age three, while others say that one can go as old as 13-14. Medically and scientifically, the age at which a girl begins menstruation—her first period, or menarche—varies. On average, menarche occurs between ages 10 and 15, with the average around 12. Factors such as genetics, nutrition, and overall health can influence timing. Until that milestone is reached, the halachic category of ervah does not apply in this context. However, for a typical fourth-grade girl, it is generally accepted that she has not yet reached this stage, and thus kol isha would not be a concern. Once a girl reaches the age of menstruation—often around ages 10-11—then the restrictions of kol isha would apply.

Not to benefit from even non-Erva singing: However, one final point of clarification must be addressed with respect to the above leniency. The Mishnah Berurah, when recording the allowance that there is no prohibition of kol isha with regard to single girls who are not considered ervah, nevertheless writes that it is forbidden for one to listen to a woman’s voice for the sake of enjoyment, as this may lead to improper thoughts. Based on a simple reading of these words, it would seem that there is no allowance at all for a father to sit and listen to his daughter sing together with other girls her age at a school play, even if she is in fourth grade and clearly below the age of menstruation, as implied by the language of the Mishnah Berurah. However, in truth, one can rightfully argue—as does the Igrot Moshe—that the intent of the Mishnah Berurah was limited to girls who have already reached an age of maturity at which the concern for inappropriate thoughts is applicable, such as adolescent or high‑school‑aged girls. Accordingly, even if it happens that a girl above the age of bas mitzvah has not yet begun menstruating, it would nevertheless be forbidden to hear her singing voice due to the concern that this could lead to improper thoughts. With regard to young children, however—such as girls aged nine, eight, or seven—it is certainly abnormal for such thoughts to arise, and therefore there is no reason for the concern expressed by the Mishnah Berurah to apply. Furthermore, as the Igrot Moshe himself emphasizes, this ruling of the Mishnah Berurah is a novel and stringent position. He challenges it from the outset and ultimately concludes  based on his clarification of the Mishneh Berurah that it does not apply at all to young girls.

Davening or learning when a child is singing: One further point may be clarified based on this interpretation of the Igrot Moshe. Even in the contexts of tefillah and limud Torah, where we generally apply the prohibition of kol isha even with respect to a woman who is not an ervah, this prohibition is rooted in the concern that hearing a woman sing may lead to improper thoughts. As such, it applies only in circumstances where such a concern is realistically applicable. Accordingly, this concern is relevant only with respect to girls who have reached an age of maturity, beginning around the age of menstruation. However, if a young child—for example, an eight‑year‑old girl—is singing, there is no reasonable basis to assume that hearing her voice would lead to forbidden thoughts. Consequently, there is no reason for the prohibition of kol isha to apply in such a case, even during prayer or Torah study. Practically speaking, however, while many poskim are inclined to conclude with leniency even with regard to tefillah and limud Torah, they nonetheless limit this leniency to very young ages. Some authorities restrict it to children up to the age of six or seven. Other contemporary poskim adopt an even more stringent approach and write that one should be stringent with respect to kol isha from as early as the age of three.

 

One final point is noted by Rav Moshe Feinstein, which further clarifies the practical application of the above discussion. He emphasizes that everything stated up to this point reflects the letter of the law. Nevertheless, in situations where there is no genuine need, one should certainly act stringently, as whoever is stringent Kadosh Yomar Lo. At the same time, Rav Moshe explicitly addresses parents who wish to attend their children’s singing performances and makes clear that such attendance is not prohibited according to halachah. His discussion is directed precisely to such cases, indicating that while stringency is admirable when undertaken voluntarily, there is no obligation to adopt it, nor should one view participation as problematic when the circumstances fall within the parameters outlined above.

 

Sources:

Igros Moshe O.C. 1:25 [until age 11, although one who is stringent is Kadosh]; Halichos Bas Yisrael p. 86 [until age 11]; Nitei Gavriel Yichud 54:5 [until age 10]; Chayeh Levi 6:165 [until age 3]; Ohel Yaakov 86 [ages 13-14, Lechatchila from age 12, some machmir from age 13, some machmir altogether]; Ben Ish Chaiy Bo 1:13 [until age six permits even regaridng Davening and learning, does not discuss the general Issur]

See regarding the general prohibition of Kol Isha: Admur 75:6; Michaber O.C. 75:3 and E.H. 21:1; M”A 75:6; Shmuel in Brachos 24a “The voice of a woman is an Erva”

See regarding that the prohibition of Kol Isha does not apply to a girl who is not an Erva: Beis Shmuel 21:4; Implication of M”A 75:6 in name of Lechem Chamudos Brachos 3:117; Perisha E.H. 21:4 in name of Rashal; P”M O.C. 75 M”Z end; M”B 75:17; Igros Moshe O.C. 1:25 Halichos Bas Yisrael p. 86 Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is forbidden to hear the singing voice of a single girl [who is not an Erva]. [Bear Sheva, brought in Beir Heiytiv 21:4; Elya Raba 75:1; Nesivos Leshabbos 21:4;]

See regarding that the prohibition of Kol Isha during Davening or learning Torah even if the girl is not an Erva: Admur ibid; M”A 75:6; Beis Shmuel E.H. 21:6 [regarding prayer]; Bear Sheva p. 119, brought in Beir Heiytiv E.H. 21:4 [regarding anytime]; P”M O.C. 75 M”Z end; Beis Oved 17; Chesed Lealafim 75:6; Ben Ish Chaiy Bo 13; M”B 75:17; Kaf Hachaim 75:21; Igros Moshe O.C. 1:25

See regarding that a girl who is a Nidda is defined as an Erva and that all Besulos today have a Chezkas Nida from the moment they reach the age of Veses: P”M 75 M”Z 2; Chasam Sofer C.M. 190; M”B 75:17

See regarding the age of assumed Nida today: Igros Moshe O.C. 1:25 [age 11]; Halichos Bas Yisrael p. 86 [11]; Nitei Gavriel ibid [10]

See regarding the Issur to benefit from the singing voice of even a non-Erva due to worry of Hirhur: P”M ibid; M”B 75:17; Igros Moshe O.C. 1:25 [Clarifies the M”B and rules even according to M”B does not apply to young girls]

See regarding that even during Davening or learning Torah there is no Issur of Kol Isha by a very young girl: Ben Ish Chaiy Bo 1:13 [under age six]; Ishei Yisrael 55 footnote 99; Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:11 that one may rely on Chazon Ish until age 6-7;  Halichos Shlomo 20:20  is stringent from age three

 

C. May a man Daven or learn Torah while hearing his daughter, sister, or mother singing, or Davening out loud in a song?

• It is customary for people to sing various parts of Davening. May a man Daven while hearing his mother, daughter, or sister singing parts of Davening? May they Daven in the same room in such a case?

Mother, and adult daughter, or adult sister: It is forbidden for a man to learn Torah or pray or say a blessing within sight of an adult relative who has part of her body [which must normally be covered due to Tznius] uncovered, including one’s mother, daughter, sister or wife.^[141] Accordingly, some Poskim^[142] rule that it is likewise forbidden to Daven or learn Torah while one’s mother, adult daughter or adult sister is singing, even if she is singing the words of Davening. A girl is considered an adult in this regard when any of the following three signs of adulthood are present, whether age [11 years old], puberty [hair], or maturity [shame].^[143] From other Poskim^[144], however, it can be understood that although it is forbidden for one to hear his sister sing especially while Davening or learning Torah, it is permitted for a man to Daven or learn Torah while his mother or daughter is singing.^[145] Other Poskim^[146], however, rule that it is permitted for a man to Daven or learn Torah while even his sister is singing.^[147]

Sister or daughter who is a child: Some Poskim^[148] rule it is permitted to learn Torah and Daven in view of a daughter [granddaughter, sister^[149]] which is not modestly covered, if the girl is below the age of adulthood, as defined above [i.e. below age 11 and has not reached puberty or maturity].^[150] Accordingly, one may certainly Daven or learn Torah while his young daughter or sister is singing, if they are below the above age.^[151] Other Poskim^[152] however argue and rule it is forbidden to Daven and learn in view of the improperly clothed female relative just like any other girl.^[153] Accordingly, some Poskim rule that once a daughter or sister have reached the age of three and above^[154], and at the very least from age six and above^[155], one may no longer Daven or learn Torah while they are singing.]

If one can ignore the singing and focus on his Davening or learning:^[156] Even by the singing voice of a woman, if one is able to concentrate on his prayer to the point that he does not even consciously hear or pay attention to her voice, then it is permitted [to learn and Daven while hearing it]. [Thus, if one hears singing and is unable to stop them, he is to strengthen his concentration and ignore the singing in order so he is able to learn/Daven.^[157] Likewise, if one is certain that the singing voice of his daughter, mother or sister will not distract him from his Davening at all, then he may Daven in their singing presence, and is not required to go elsewhere.^[158]]

 

Summary: It is debated amongst the Poskim as to whether there is a prohibition to Daven or learn Torah while hearing one’s mother, daughter, or sister singing. Practically, if one’s thoughts are disturbed by their singing voice then one is not to do so, especially if it is a sister above age 11. If, however, one can completely ignore their voice and concentrate on their Davening as if they are not present, then one may Daven while hearing their singing, especially if it is one’s mother, or sister or daughter below age 11.

 

 

 

8. Fraternization of boys and girls

A. Children playing together and fraternizing with each other

From the letter of the law, there is no prohibition for male and female children to play together, especially while still of nursery and preschool age. Nevertheless, the Rishonim[159] record that children even of young ages of opposite gender should not play together. To quote from the Sefer Chassidim “Do not mix boys with girls lest they sin….So too when it states in scripture male and female children playing in the streets, its boys alone and girls alone.” Thus, parents should ensure that play remains age-appropriate and conducted in a manner that preserves standards of modesty and proper conduct. Practically, as children grow older, around ages 5-6, it is proper to gradually educate them regarding personal boundaries and interactions with members of the opposite gender. It is likewise improper for boys and girls to become accustomed to excessive physical familiarity or exclusive friendships, even at a young age. This Halacha is what eventually became the basis of the need for separate schools for boys and girls beginning with elementary age, as explained in Chapter 18 Halacha 4.

 

B. May one ask of the wellbeing of a female child? [160]

The prohibition against greeting a woman with inquiries of peace and wellbeing does not apply to a female child who is below the age at which the laws of yichud become relevant. Accordingly, one may ask a father or mother regarding the wellbeing of their young daughter, and there is no concern in inquiring directly as to how she is doing. Once she reaches the age at which the laws of arayos begin to apply, one should follow the standard laws governing interactions between men and women.

 

C. May one walk between two girls or boys below the age of Bar/Bas Mitzvah? [161]

Yes. The well-known concern regarding walking between two women does not generally apply to girls who are below the age of Bar or Bas Mitzvah. Some authorities nevertheless recommend stringency even in this case. Practically, the widespread custom is to be lenient regarding young children, particularly when they have not yet reached an age of physical or emotional maturity. Nonetheless, one who wishes to be stringent has upon whom to rely.

 

9. Shul and Public Religious Settings

A. Until what age may girls be present in the men’s side of the shul?

Some^[162] write that one is to abstain girls from being present in the men’s section beginning from age three and onwards, even if they are dressed modestly. The Rebbe, however, writes that the prevalent custom [Maaseh Rav], based on the consensus of Gedolei Yisrael, is to permit young girls to come to shul with their fathers and join them in the men’s section [so long as they are dressed modestly]. This applies even if the girls are past the age of three, until they reach the age of Chinuch and understanding regarding this matter.^[163] Some suggest that one may be lenient until age nine, [depending on the girls mental and physical maturity].^[164] From age three, it is forbidden for an immodestly dressed girl to be present in the men’s section.^[165]

 

B. Mechitza Children’s Minyan: [166]

There should be a Mechitza even by a children’s Minyan of boys and girls, [and so was done in 770 by the children rallies at the times of Davening].

 

C. Co-ed Education

See Chapter 18 Halacha 4!

 

10. Yichud and Personal Boundaries

The laws of yichud as they pertain to Chinuch are unique in that, unlike most areas of halachah where the focus is on educating the child once he reaches the age of chinuch, the laws of yichud apply even when the child himself is not yet of Chinuch age. This is because yichud serves not only as a safeguard against future sin, but also as a protection for the child from being taken advantage of by others. Furthermore, the prohibition primarily rests upon the adult, who is forbidden to enter into a situation of yichud with a child who has reached the halachically significant age. Accordingly, parents and educators must be aware of these laws even regarding children who have not yet reached the age of chinuch or mitzvah obligation, according to the ages to be explained.

 

A. Age of Issur Yichud for a child left with an adult [167]

The prohibition of yichud begins once the child reaches the halachically significant age established by Chazal, namely three years old for a girl and nine years old for a boy. [Prior to these ages, the laws of yichud do not apply. Accordingly, whenever the Poskim discuss the yichud prohibition, these ages serve as the basic threshold from which the prohibition begins to take effect. Thus, parents and caregivers must be aware that once a girl reaches the age of three, she may not be left in yichud with an unrelated adult male, including a babysitter, tutor, camp counselor, neighbor, or family friend. Likewise, once a boy reaches the age of nine, he may not be left in yichud with an unrelated adult female, including a babysitter, tutor, counselor, housekeeper, or neighbor. Hence, whenever arranging babysitting, tutoring, rides, childcare, or other forms of supervision, attention must be paid to the laws of yichud once the child has reached the above-mentioned ages. This discussion, however, refers specifically to yichud between a child and an adult. The laws regarding yichud between two children of opposite genders will be discussed separately in the following halacha.]

Practical examples:

• Example 1: A two-year-old girl may be left alone with an unrelated adult male, as she has not yet reached the age at which the prohibition of yichud
• Example 2: Once that same girl reaches three years old, she may no longer be left alone with an unrelated adult male unless a valid yichud exemption exists.
• Example 3: An eight-year-old boy may be left alone with an unrelated adult female, as he has not yet reached the age of yichud.
• Example 4: Once that same boy reaches nine years old, he may no longer be left alone with an unrelated adult female unless a valid yichud exemption exists.
• Example 5: A male babysitter may watch a two-year-old girl alone, but different rules apply once she reaches age three.
• Example 6: A female babysitter may watch an eight-year-old boy alone, but different rules apply once he reaches age nine.
• Example 7: A male tutor may teach a two-year-old girl privately, but once the girl reaches age three, the laws of yichud must be considered.
• Example 8: A female housekeeper may remain alone with an eight-year-old boy, but once he reaches age nine, yichud concerns may arise.
• Example 9: A male camp counselor watching a two-year-old girl does not face a yichud issue on account of the child. Once the child reaches age three, the laws of yichud become relevant.
• Example 10: A female camp counselor watching an eight-year-old boy does not face a yichud issue on account of the child. Once the child reaches age nine, the laws of yichud become relevant.
• Example 11: A male neighbor may babysit a two-year-old girl, but must be aware that different rules apply after the girl turns three.
• Example 12: A female neighbor may babysit an eight-year-old boy, but must be aware that different rules apply after the boy turns nine.
• Example 13: A child riding alone in a car with an unrelated adult may create a yichud question once the child reaches age three if female, or age nine if male.

Practical note:

Many of the above examples may be permitted in situations where a valid yichud breaker exists, such as an open door, the possibility of people entering, the presence of additional people, or other recognized exceptions to the laws of yichud. Since the laws of yichud and its exceptions are extensive, they are beyond the scope of this chapter. Parents, educators, and caregivers should familiarize themselves with these laws to ensure that proper arrangements are made whenever children reach the age at which yichud becomes relevant.

 

1. Yichud Amongst children: May a male and female child who are not siblings be alone together?^[168]

• Example: May a mother go shopping if two cousins of the opposite gender are left alone at home, and both are below the age of Mitzvos?

From the letter of the law, children who are below the age of Bar and Bas Mitzvah are not subject to Yichud regulations when they are together with other children of the opposite gender. Thus, a boy below the age of 13, and girl below the age of 12, are not forbidden in Yichud, and may hence be left together alone. This applies even if there are no other children in the vicinity. This applies even if the male is above the age of 9 and the female is above the age of 3. [Nevertheless, practically, it is proper due to Chinuch obligations and common sense precautions, to educate children that have reached the age of Chinuch to not be alone together on a steady basis.^[169] Certainly, children should be instructed that they are never allowed to lock the door of their room when they are there with a child of the opposite gender.]

 

C. Yichud between a brother and sister: [170]

Some Poskim^[171] rule it is permitted for a brother and sister to remain alone together in the same room on a temporary basis.^[172] [This applies even to a maternal or paternal sister.^[173]] Other Poskim^[174] rule it is forbidden for a brother and sister to remain together in Yichud even temporarily. Practically, the main ruling follows the lenient opinion and so is the custom of all Jewry.^[175] Nevertheless, one who is stringent to not have Yichud with a sibling of opposite gender is blessed.^[176] This especially applies in a promiscuous generation [and to children who are going through puberty during their pubescent and prepubescent years^[177]].^[178] [Some Poskim^[179], however, rule that a sibling who is known to be promiscuous may not share even temporary Yichud with a sibling if opposite gender.] According to all opinions, it is Rabbinically^[180] forbidden to have Yichud with a sibling of opposite gender on a permanent basis.^[181] The Poskim debate the exact definition of permanent in this regard, as explained in the Q&A, although the general consensus is no more than thirty days.

What is the definition of a permanent versus temporary dwelling? It is forbidden for a brother and sister to live alone together indefinitely, such as to live alone in the same house or private room, as this is certainly defined as permanent. Furthermore, they may not live together for even a limited amount of time if it is defined as permanent. Practically the Poskim debate as what is the definition of permanent, and as to how long is too long in this regard. Some Poskim^[182] rule they may not live together alone for more than three nights. Some Poskim[183] rule the definition of permanent is a period of thirty days, and it is thus forbidden for a brother and sister to live alone together for a period of thirty days and more, although is permitted for them to live alone together for less than thirty days. [This applies even if the days are not consecutive, so long as they are in close approximation to each other. Thus, it does not do any Halachic good for one of the siblings to sleep out of the house for one of the nights in order to restart the thirty days.] Other Poskim^[184], however, rule the definition of permanent is subjective to the form of dwelling the two are sharing, if it is a permanent dwelling or temporary dwelling. For example, if it is the brother’s apartment and the sister come’s to visit and may leave any day and does not “make herself at home” arranging her own room and closet space, then they may be together. If, however, she makes herself at home and settles down as if she is now living there, then it is considered a permanent dwelling and forbidden in even less than thirty days. Practically, the widespread customary ruling is like the former opinion that for a period of less than thirty days all forms of dwelling are permitted.

 

Summary: Temporary Yichud is permitted between siblings. It is thus permitted for them to live alone on a temporary basis. It is, however, forbidden for a brother and sister to live alone on a permanent basis. Those who are stringent to avoid even temporary Yichud with siblings are blessed.   Advice to parents:[185] Parents are to take heed to try to avoid situations in which their children of opposite genders remain alone together for extended periods of time. This especially applies towards children of pubescent, or prepubescent age. Children should be instructed that they are never allowed to lock the door of their room when they are there with a sibling of the opposite gender.

 

D. Adopted child-Yichud and affectionate touch [hugging and kissing]: [186]

It is forbidden for a parent and an adopted child of opposite gender to be in Yichud, or hug and kiss, once the child reaches the age of Yichud, [which is three years old for a girl and nine years old for a boy^[187]].^[188] However, some Poskim^[189] have been Milameid Zechus for those who are lenient in this matter if they were adopted prior to them reaching the age of Yichud prohibition. Practically, most Poskim^[190] completely negate this opinion, and the Rebbe’s position on this matter was clear, that Yichud and hugging and kissing between the adoptive parent and child is forbidden irrelevant as to the age of the child when the adoption took place.^[191] The Rebbe pressed for this matter to be publicized. Practically, most God-fearing adoptive parents are careful in this matter.^[192]

 

1. At what ages can a child serve as a Shomer for purposes of breaking Yichud?^[193]

Yichud between a man and woman is permitted in a case that a Shomer is present. Children that are of the age to understand the act of intercourse, but will not agree to intercourse, are considered valid Shomrim to help break Yichud.^[194] During the day it suffices to have one child Shomer to break Yichud. However, at night, two children Shomrim are required to break Yichud.^[195] There are various opinions regarding the range of age which makes a child eligible to serve as a Shomer.^[196] Practically, children between the age of 5 and 9 are valid Shomrim. This applies whether the child is male or female, and whether or not the child is a relative of the male or female adult of which the Yichud is taking place.^[197]

 

1. May a man have Yichud with another man?^[198]

The Jewish people were not suspected of homophile relations [i.e. Mishkav Zachar], and therefore there is no prohibition [for a man or child] to be in a state of Yichud with another man. [This is in contrast to gentiles, who are suspected of homophile relations, and one is hence prohibited from sending his child to learn under a gentile teacher.^[199]] Nonetheless, a man who distances himself from having Yichud even with another Jewish man [including male relatives^[200]], is praised. [The above was relevant in previous times, however] in these later generations in which the number of [Jewish] individuals who are sexual deviants have increased, a man is [obligated^[201]] to distance himself from having Yichud [even] with a [Jewish] male.^[202] [Some Poskim^[203], however, rule that this only applies in countries where homophile relations are common, while in countries in which this is an unaccepted and rare occurrence, there is no need even today for a man to distance himself from Yichud with another man, although it remains an act of piety to do so.]

 

11. Protecting Children From Abuse and Predators

From the previous Halacha regarding male Yichud we can derive two points vis a vis the proper attitude towards educating our children to beware from predators, pedophiles, and molesters:

1. One must not only distance himself from situations which ignite him to act on his own lusts, but one must also distance himself from falling prey to the lust of another individual. Accordingly, children must be educated so they do not fall victim.
2. The distances required are all dependent on the level of morality in one’s society. Thus, in a depraved society in which a certain immoral behavior has become abundant, one must distance himself in increased measures from this behavior, even though this distance was not necessary in previous generations. Accordingly, the level of pedophilia rampant today obligates one to take increased measures to make sure his children do not fall victim.

 

A. Education and Awareness

Unfortunately, a known and growing epidemic, which has seen greater light in the recent years, is the plague of pedophilia, of which almost no Jewish community has come unscathed. One of the basic principles of Torah Judaism is Kedusha, keeping a holy environment of sexual morality. The Torah is well aware of the challenges people have in containing sexual lusts and hence provided a number of guidelines which are meant to prevent one from falling prey to his instincts and desires, or for that matter, to falling prey to the sexual gratification of another individual.^[204] Accordingly, it is the responsibility of every parent and educator to educate his children or students in a clean and Kosher way of the very real dangers of predators and the guidelines they are to keep and matters to beware from, so they do not fall prey to such an individual, and so they stop it before it progresses.^[205] Aside for the religious responsibility to prevent sinful activity and moral depravity from occurring, educating one’s children in the above is included in the basic responsibilities a parent has in keeping their child safe from physical dangers. Just as a parent must teach his child how to cross the street, and a school must rehearse fire drills, so too, children must be educated in the above for their own physical safety, aside for the religious reasons of morality. The enormous damage that child molestation can potentially cause the innocent soul of a child is indescribable, and the statistics of the potential affects speak for themselves without needing to give this matter any further proof.^[206] Accordingly, educating one’s children to beware from predators is a Halachic responsibility both due to reasons of morality and safety. The reason for why educating children in this matter is, and has been, avoided is because it is viewed as a taboo subject that is more comfortable to ignore than to discuss, and due to the desire to keep children sheltered from knowledge of such depravities. Unfortunately, the spread of this epidemic and the spiritual and physical destruction that it has caused, and continues to cause, the innocent children who fall victim, do not allow us to remain silent any longer. By lifting the level of awareness to our children regarding this matter, we both stop our own children from falling prey to a predator, as well as put a deterrent against a predator attempting to lure victims. In the following paragraphs we will analyze a Halachic discussion regarding the need to beware from people due to worry of homophile behavior, thus lending the Halachic basis for the above said obligation of education:

 

1. Matters to beware and educate children in:

Various organizations have blossomed over the recent years who specialize in child education and awareness in the above matter. The following is some of the suggestive actions and guidelines which have been acclimated from leading child psychologists and educational experts. For further information, visit their website.^[207] The education of a child in this topic is split to two parts, Prevention and Awareness, sometimes known as P&A:

1. Prevention-Teach your child certain guidelines and precautions that prevent him from entering situations that make them vulnerable to a preying predator.
2. Awareness– Teach your child to identify an attack and deter it from progressing.

 

C. Prevention guidelines:

1. Yichud-Not to be alone: Children must be educated from a young age against Yichud. Halachically, it is forbidden for a three year old girl to remain alone with a man above the age of Bar Mitzvah,  and it is forbidden for a boy who is nine years of age or older to be alone with a girl who is above the age of Bas Mitzvah.^[208] Furthermore, in light of the above ruling in A, regarding even a man distancing himself from Yichud with another man, children and adolescents should be educated that it is Halachically proper and necessary to distance themselves from being alone with another person even of the same gender, and even if they are relatives, unless under parental consent. If a man or woman asks or lures a child to a private area without parental consent, the child should be educated to say that it is not allowed for them to be alone, or at the very least to have the intuition to inform his or her parents. Certainly, in light of the above Halacha, teachers or tutors should not be having one on one sessions with a child in a closed or locked room, and the room should always remain accessible to the public. Likewise, parents are to supervise that siblings of opposite genders stop sharing rooms after a certain age, and even when same gender children share rooms, clear modesty guidelines must be given. This especially applies during the pubescent years of a child, in which raging hormones search for outlets that can cause another family member to fall victim. Parents must be cautious and know that statistically a large percentage of abuse actually occurs within the family, and hence they must educate their children and pay attention as to how they act when they are together. While this suggestion of avoiding Yichud is unpopular and may sound exaggerated and unrealistic to some, this is the Torah’s suggestion and obligation in how to distance oneself from falling prey to a predator-Avoid Yichud. It is certainly obligatory of a Torah institution to follow the laws in Shulchan Aruch which state that in communities suffering from homophile epidemics, it is an obligation for boys to distance themselves from Yichud with other men, and vice versa. This suggestion and obligation is unique to the Torah world and has yet to enlighten the secular populace of its powerful deterrence, who come up with various other suggestions.
2. Mikveh: The Mikveh is by no exaggeration one of the main centers where child molestation occurs in the Jewish community. We tend to think that since it is a public area, and one is never in a state of Yichud with another man while there, that it is therefore a safe haven for our children. Nonetheless, experience shows that the Mikveh is in fact a safe haven not for the children, but for the predators, and they use it as one of their primary basis of opportunity to launch attacks. Accordingly, together with a parent’s desire to educate their child in a Chassidishe Hanhaga of purity of soul, in going to Mikveh, they must be realistic and take precautions with their child. Practically, what this means is as follows: a) Young children have no business ever going to a Mikveh alone. A young child who is not near the age of Bar Mitzvah has no Chinuch obligation to go to Mikveh, and if he can’t go under supervision, it is better that he not go at all. b) Even when fathers accompany a child to the Mikveh, they must have four pairs of eyes on the child. Never think that since I am in the same building as him, he is safe, as experience proves otherwise. c) Children who are near, or over Bar Mitzvah, and are accustomed to go to Mikveh daily before Davening, must be educated by their parents in how to act in a mikveh and be told of the Awareness guidelines, explained in length below. Following the above steps will help keep a Mikveh that which it is supposed to be-A place to enhance a person’s holiness and purity and not its opposite.
3. Be aware of known community offenders: The United States Department of Justice contains a list of convicted sex offenders within one’s area. Likewise, local organizations [i.e. JCW] and community Rabbi’s and leaders periodically release information of suspected or convicted predators. Parents should make themselves aware of who these people are and make sure to keep their children a safe distance from them. On this note, it is every community’s obligation to warn the public of the said individuals and to say something if they see something, and not ignore red flags which allow predators to continue their victim list for years on end.

 

D. Awareness guidelines:

1. Your body is only yours: Explain to the child the concept of privacy for his/her body and that their body is only theirs and is not allowed to be touched or even seen by others, unless the person is a doctor, parent or caretaker who needs to do so in the position of their job, and is doing so under other adult supervision. Explain to your child the existence of the private areas and how they must be kept clothed and out of contact of others. Practice this at home, teaching the child modesty and privacy with their body, such as locking the door when they take a shower or use the bathroom [age dependent] and educating them how to act with other siblings. Some suggest teaching the child the traffic light system regarding touch. Label innocent and clean touches as green light [i.e. shaking hands, holding your hand to cross the street, tapping your shoulder]. Touches that make a child feel slightly uncomfortable as yellow light [i.e. a hug, or kiss from an unwanted individual, touches that occur under clothing]. Touches that reach under the bathing suit area is a red light. Yellow and red-light touches must always be informed to the parents or other legal guardian. Emphasis must be made that anyone, including siblings, cousins, friends, and teachers, must be informed on if a yellow or red-light touch has been made. Explain to the child that often body touches may even feel good, although this is not a sign that such touches are ok. An inappropriate touch [i.e. red light] is never ok, no matter how it feels.
2. Another person’s body is only theirs: We cannot forget that many children are not the victims, but are themselves the innocent perpetrators who experience with the body of other children. Likewise, often the predators do not touch the child’s body, but ask the child to touch their body. Accordingly, children must also be educated that just as their body is private to themselves, so too other peoples, and children’s, bodies is not theirs to look at or touch. Furthermore, this applies even if the other person consents or asks them to touch their body, nonetheless, it is an immoral [unTzenius] thing to do.
3. Saying NO: Often, children are intimidated of telling off another individual, especially if they are an adult figure. Train your child to say NO if an inappropriate touch is made or attempted. Teach them to escape the situation.
4. Not to keep secrets: Teach your child that there is no such thing as keeping a secret from their parents, from Mommy and Tatty. Anyone who tells them not to tell their parents is a sign that they right away must tell their parents. Even if a person tells them that they will get hurt or punished if they tell the parents, the child is to be told that such a person is lying. Parents must ensure their children that they will not get into trouble for telling their parents, and on the contrary will be believed and cherished for sharing it with them.
5. Even very nice and friendly people, relatives, or other children can do bad things: According to the US Department of Justice (nsopw.org) only 10% of perpetrators were strangers to the child and 23% of the perpetrators were children themselves! Accordingly, all the above guidelines of touch and secrets must be clearly spelled out to the child that they apply even to very nice people, people they know, and even very close relatives, friends or siblings. They apply even if the person shows much love to them and spends time with them and buys them treats.
6. Occasional review of the guidelines: It is imperative for parents to review these guidelines with their children periodically. One can preschedule on a reminder/calendar to review the guidelines a couple of times per year, such as before the school year begins, and after Pesach vacation and the like.

 

12. Teaching Sensitive Topics – Zera Levatala

Subjects relating to sexuality and their presentation to children have already been discussed at length in Volume 1 Chapter 6, Halacha 5. The reader is referred there for a detailed treatment of this subject, and those discussions and guidelines will not be repeated here. This is an extremely important topic both from a Torah and psychological development perspective and is a crucial aspect of Chinuch that parents cannot skip, and hence this is now an opportunity for our readers to go back and brush up on the subject. However, there is one major issue that was not directly addressed in that chapter, which is the subject of Zera Levatala, which will be addressed now.

 

Disclaimer:

The detailed laws of Zera Levatala, together with the practical guidance necessary for adults and parents to properly educate themselves in this area, are discussed at length in our corresponding work, Kedushas Habayis, in Appendix 4. The reader is referred there for a comprehensive treatment of the subject.

Accordingly, this chapter will not address the topic in its entirety, but will focus only on those aspects that are directly relevant to the chinuch of children. The discussion that follows is therefore limited to educational principles and guidance necessary for parents and educators in raising children with proper standards of kedushah, modesty, and personal conduct.

 

1. How To Broach The Subject

There are several aspects of education regarding this subject that parents must provide to their children. Part of this education is preventative and begins long before any direct discussion of the topic itself. Children should be trained in standards of modesty, privacy, self-control, and in avoiding behaviors that can lead to improper conduct. Later in this Halacha, we will discuss various practical matters in which children should be educated.

At a certain stage, however, a direct and honest conversation becomes necessary. A father should speak privately with his son, and a mother should speak privately with her daughter, in an age-appropriate and sensitive manner. Avoiding the subject altogether is neither a Torah approach nor a healthy educational approach. Children who are not guided by their parents will often seek information elsewhere, frequently from inappropriate sources. Accordingly, parents should not shy away from addressing these matters when the time is right.

 

At the same time, this subject requires great sensitivity. As explained at length in our corresponding work, Kedushas Habayis, the prohibition of Zera Levatala is treated by Chazal and the Poskim with exceptional severity. Inevitably, many adolescent boys eventually encounter these teachings and become aware of the gravity with which the Torah views the matter. This reality creates a double-edged sword. On the one hand, awareness of the severity of the prohibition serves as a powerful deterrent and can motivate a young person to avoid or overcome improper behavior. On the other hand, when presented improperly, it can lead to excessive guilt, feelings of worthlessness, despair, and emotional distress. Unfortunately, there have been adolescents who came to believe that because they struggled in this area, they were rejected by Hashem or beyond spiritual repair, leading them into deep depression and even suicidal thoughts. Nothing could be further from the truth. Parents must therefore communicate two messages simultaneously. The first is that one should take the matter seriously and strive to avoid sin. The second is that Hashem loves every Jew, understands every struggle, and judges each person according to the challenges that he faces. Even when a child stumbles, he remains precious before Hashem, and his task is to continue growing and improving rather than falling into despair.

 

Particular care must be taken to distinguish between the education of boys and that of girls. The primary halachic discussion regarding Zera Levatala relates to males, as will be explained, and the conversations held with sons should reflect the seriousness of that obligation. The conversation with daughters, however, should focus primarily on personal modesty, bodily privacy, healthy development, and proper standards of conduct. The tone should be one of guidance and encouragement rather than fear and condemnation. This distinction is crucial and often misunderstood.

 

Practically, the ideal time for education is before a child has encountered the challenge. Parents should strive to instill healthy habits, proper boundaries, and an appreciation for kedushah from an early age. When these foundations are laid properly, the later discussions become far more effective and far less intimidating. Above all, children should leave these conversations feeling informed, supported, and uplifted, with a clear understanding of both the Torah’s standards and Hashem’s boundless compassion for those who sincerely strive to serve Him.

 

Another important point that should be communicated to a child, particularly after he has begun struggling in this area, is that he is not alone. Many adolescents mistakenly assume that they are the only person facing this challenge. This often leads to feelings of isolation, shame, and the belief that there is something uniquely wrong with them. In truth, this is a common struggle faced by many boys and men throughout various stages of life. While this reality does not justify the behavior or lessen the obligation to work on oneself, it does help the child understand that he is not a “weirdo,” a lost cause, or uniquely deficient. Knowing that others have faced similar challenges and successfully grown from them can provide a child with hope, confidence, and emotional stability.

 

There is, however, an important distinction between preventive education and education given after a struggle has already begun. When discussing the topic with a child who has not yet encountered this challenge, the primary emphasis should be on prevention, self-control, and avoiding situations that may lead to stumbling. At that stage, there is generally no need to focus on how widespread the struggle may be. However, once a child has already become involved in the behavior, whether discovered by a parent or disclosed through an open conversation, it becomes essential to communicate that he is not alone in his struggle, that many others have faced similar challenges, and that growth and improvement remain fully attainable. This reassurance is often a critical component in preventing unnecessary guilt, despair, or hopelessness.

 

A further important point is that a single conversation is generally not enough. Fathers should make it a point to periodically revisit the subject with their sons in an open, supportive, and non-judgmental manner. Many adolescent boys suffer greatly in silence and are terrified of discussing their struggles with anyone. Some are carrying burdens of guilt, confusion, and frustration for months or even years without ever sharing them with a trusted adult.

 

Accordingly, a father should strive to create an atmosphere in which his son knows that he can speak openly without fear of being shamed, ridiculed, or rejected. Periodic conversations communicate to the child that the parent understands the realities of adolescence, is available to help, and genuinely cares about his spiritual and emotional wellbeing. Very often, simply knowing that there is someone with whom he can speak honestly provides a child with tremendous strength and relief.

 

Furthermore, these follow-up conversations should not be limited to cases in which a parent suspects a problem exists. Rather, they should form part of the ongoing relationship between father and son throughout the adolescent years. Through continual guidance, encouragement, and support, a father is often able to help his son navigate challenges that might otherwise be faced alone.

 

B. Matters to Educate Sons in to prevent Zera Levatala:

Prohibition of causing erection:^[209] It is forbidden for a man to consciously bring himself to have an erection [outside of a time of intimacy with his wife].

Forbidden thoughts-Shemiras Eiynayim:^[210] Thinking immoral thoughts of woman is forbidden due to it leading to Zera Levatala.

Pornography and romance movies: It is forbidden to look at pornography even if it will not lead to Zera Levatala, and certainly if it can lead to it.  See Chapter 6 Halacha 22 for the full details of this matter!

Watching animals mating:^[211] One may not stare at animals or birds who are mating. [Thus, one may not look at videos of mating animals.]

Riding on horse without a saddle:^[212] Is forbidden due to it leading to erection and possible Zera Levatala.

Wearing tight pants:^[213] Is forbidden due to it leading to erection and possible Zera Levatala.

 

C. Men touching their genitals & Urinating regulations applicable to boys: [214]

The following laws apply to men, and should likewise be educated towards boys even from a very young age: One may never hold onto his Eiver from the area that is above the crown even when urinating. One is allowed to hold onto this area with a thick cloth that will not bring to stimulation. One may hold on to the crown to help one urinate, however not for other purposes. One may lift his testis to help him urinate. [Children should be educated that this area of the body is called a private part not only because it is private from other people but is also private from himself and that he should not touch the area unnecessarily.]

Above the crown/Glans:^[215] One [must be very careful^[216]] not to hold on to his Eiver^[217] [from the beginning of the limb up to the crown^[218]] while urinating [and certainly not during other times]. Doing so is considered as if one has brought a flood to the world as it^[219] can bring one towards [stimulation^[220] which can cause] spilling of seed^[221].

Using a cloth:^[222] It is permitted to hold onto the Eiver using a thick cloth which does not cause stimulation in order to help one urinate, [or verify whether he had an emission^[223], or itch oneself^[224]].

The crown/Glans:^[225] It is permitted to hold on to the crown^[226] [in order to direct the urine^[227]] as this area does not stimulate a person [at all^[228]]. [Furthermore, even if the Eiver is erect it is permitted to hold on to the crown.^[229] However, the above allowance is only with regards to holding the crown in order to urinate properly without dirtying oneself in the process. However, one is to be stringent not to touch the crown, even in order to itch it or check for an emission.^[230]]

The testis:^[231] It is permitted to lift up the testis from below to help one properly urinate without becoming dirty in the process.^[232] [However, it is forbidden to touch the area for other purposes.^[233]]

The pubic area:^[234] It is forbidden for an unmarried man to place his hands by his private area^[235], lest he bring himself to evil thoughts. [This prohibition refers to the actual Eiver and not to the entire pubic area.^[236]] He should not place his hand even below his naval due to this reason [lest he come to touch his Eiver^[237]]. [However from the letter of the law, it is permitted to place one’s hands below the naval, in the pubic area, so long as he does not touch the Eiver, and majority of people are not careful in this matter. It is a mere act of piety and extra holiness to be stringent.^[238] Some Poskim^[239] however rule it is forbidden from the letter of the law to place one’s hand even by the pubic area.]

 

Summary: One may never hold on to his Eiver from the area that is above the crown even when urinating. If one is married and his wife is pure and is with him in the same city then when urinating [as opposed to other times], he may hold onto this area in order to prevent the urine from getting on his feet. Nevertheless even by such a person it is an attribute of piety to be stringent. One is allowed to hold onto this area with a thick cloth that will not bring to stimulation. One may hold on to the crown to help one urinate, however not for other purposes. One may lift his testis to help him urinate.   Q&A May one wash the area during a shower?[240] One may do so casually just like the other parts of his body. One may not spend extra time on the area.[241] It is forbidden to look at the area while washing it.[242]   May one comb the pubic hair?[243] Yes.   May one’s testis be touched for a medical checkup? Some Poskim[244] negate this practice, and accordingly encourage one to prevent a doctor from doing so.

 

D. The Tikkun for Zera Levatala: [245]

Teshuvah: The sparks of holiness of the soul that has been trapped in Kelipos due to the sin of Zera Levatala can be elevated through performance of proper Teshuvah.^[246] [This refers to regular Teshuvah Tatah, as this level of Teshuvah suffices to elevate the sparks from the Kelipos.^[247] However,] a full and proper Teshuvah for the person who transgressed] is only accomplished if he performs Teshuvah Ilah.^[248] Accordingly, the Teshuvah for Zera Levatala is more difficult than any other sin in the Torah.^[249]

Kerias Shema Sheal Hamita with intense concentration:^[250] The sparks of holiness of the soul that has been trapped in Kelipos due to the sin of Zera Levatala can be elevated through reciting Kerias Shema Sheal Hamita with intense concentration [i.e. Pirush Hamilos^[251]]. In this regard, it is different than other sins of forbidden relations with a woman, in which case the sparks that are trapped in the Kelipos cannot be elevated in this method, and require an intense level of Teshuvah of Ahavah Raba.

Torah learning:^[252] The Tikkun for the sin of Zera Levatala is to assiduously study Torah. The reason for this is because Zera Levatala blemishes the mind, and hence its Tikkun is through Torah study which involves the mind. If one already learns Torah assiduously, then he is to add even more in doing so.

Memorizing Torah and saying it constantly:^[253] Memorizing words of Torah and reciting them constantly is a Tikkun for the sin of Zera Levatala. Particularly, one is to study the Mamar of “Vehadarta Pnei Zakein” brought in Likkutei Torah Parshas Kedoshim.

The Rebbe’s suggestions: In a letter from the Rebbe, the following additional actions are suggested to help one stop the performance of Zera Levatala and be Mitakein the sin:

1. Hesech Hadaas: To remove one’s mind from the subject completely, [and not deal with it even in Torah].
2. To be careful in Tevilas Ezra.
3. To have a daily Torah lesson in Penimiyus Hatorah.

 

Tikkun for Pgam Habris: Torah or p. 85a-86b

In reference to fixing the sin of Pgam Habris [i.e. Zera Levatala] the Zohar states that one is required to return to G-d with much greater energy and love [than regular repentance]. The reason for this is as follows: The sin of Pgam Habris comes as a result of connecting oneself too intensely with the matters of the world. The term Bris, which means covenant, is an expression of connection, Hiskashrus. In the side of holiness, this refers to a deep connection of one’s soul to G-d. In the side of evil, it is a deep connection of one’s soul to the lusts and pleasures of the physical world. It is for this reason that in order to fix the sin of Pgam Habris which resulted from immersing his soul in the lusts and passions of physical pleasure, that he must in turn immerse his soul in love and desire for G-d.

• The Divine lesson: Many observant and G-d-fearing Jews unfortunately stumble in the most severe and terrible sin of Pgam Habris. The challenge is enormous and is like an actual Nissayon of which once one becomes addicted to it, it becomes a great struggle to overcome. One of the great dilemmas that such individuals face is the guilt that they feel after the transgression. At the time of the sin they are overcome by the moment, almost possessed by their lusts, but never truly desire to do it and hence are filled with remorse and guilt after its occurrence. This guilty feeling can be so severe that it can lead to depression and become an obstacle in a Jews service of G-d, viewing himself as unworthy to serve Him anymore. This in fact was the true and sly scheme of the evil inclination to begin with, to shower the person with so much guilt that he could no longer function as an Orthodox Jew. From the above teaching of the Alter Rebbe we learn that fixing the sin does not come through overindulging in feelings of guilt for its transgression. On the contrary, this is the scheme of the evil inclination, and is a leading cause for the continuity of the sin. Rather, as the Rebbe advised on numerous occasions, one must completely remove his mind from the sin and feelings of guilt for it. How then will he fix the sin and do Teshuvah? Through completely immersing himself in Torah study and service of G-d in prayer even more than before. Connect your mind and soul deeply with G-d, which is what the guilty feeling Jew truly wants, and this will correct the temporary succumbing of connecting one’s soul to the physical lusts which he truly does not want. Thus, succumbing to sin the night before should cause one to study and pray even harder the next day, and not on the contrary to a weakening in one’s divine service. Don’t forget that even the biggest of sins are judged in accordance to a person’s challenge and G-d certainly understands the difficulty His children go through in this realm.

 

E. Girls and Women – Are women commanded against performing Zera Levatala:

Some Poskim^[254] rule that women are prohibited against performing Zera Levatala with their seed [i.e. female stimulation^[255]]. Other Poskim^[256] rule that women are not commanded against performing Zera Levatala to their own seed. Nevertheless, according to Kabala, the prohibition of “Zera Levatala” applies equally to all women, and those who do so increase evil spirits and Kelipos.^[257] The above, however, only refers to the actual act of stimulation, however to entertain forbidden thoughts of a man is Biblically forbidden even for women, and hence thinking immoral thoughts of a man transgress a Biblical prohibition irrelevant of whether it leads to stimulation of Zera Levatala.^[258]

 

Chinuch Application

This subject is a sensitive one and is often overlooked in the education of girls. Parents may at times feel uncomfortable discussing matters relating to bodily privacy, modesty, and personal boundaries with their daughters. Nevertheless, just as parents are responsible to educate their sons in matters of kedushah, so too they bear responsibility to guide their daughters in developing healthy standards of modesty, self-respect, and bodily privacy.

At the same time, this topic must be approached with balance and wisdom. Young girls and adolescents often experience physical and emotional developments that are a natural part of growing up. Accordingly, care should be taken not to create unnecessary feelings of fear, shame, or guilt. Rather, parents should provide calm, age-appropriate guidance that encourages personal dignity, self-control, and holiness, while helping their children understand that spiritual growth is achieved through patience, persistence, and self-improvement.

Even when mistakes are made, a child should not be led to view herself as spiritually damaged or distant from Hashem. The Torah’s approach is one of growth and encouragement. Through proper guidance, sensitivity, and open communication, parents can help their daughters navigate these years in a manner consistent with the values of tznius, kedushah, and healthy emotional development.

[1] See Halichos Bas Yisrael Chapters 4-8

[2] This law is not mentioned explicitly in Poskim although is derived from the following other laws mentioned: a) Prohibition to sleep together unclothed once the child reaches signs of adulthood. [Michaber Even Haezer 21:7; Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 regarding Shema; See M”A 73:2 regarding seeming contradiction from Shema source; For possible answers of contradiction: See Perisha E.H. 21; Elya Raba 73:5, explained in previous footnotes] b) Prohibition to learn or Daven in presence of unclothed relative once she reaches age of adulthood, according to all Poskim. [See previous Q&A] From the above two sources it can be understood that it is also forbidden for a parent to see his child of opposite gender unclothed once he reaches the age:signs of adulthood.

[3] See previous Halacha’s where the age and signs of adulthood were discussed in length!

[4] This law is not mentioned explicitly in Poskim although is derived from the following other law mentioned: Prohibition to sleep together unclothed once the child reaches signs of adulthood. [Michaber Even Haezer 21:7; Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 regarding Shema; See M”A 73:2 regarding seeming contradiction from Shema source; For possible answers of contradiction: See Perisha E.H. 21; Elya Raba 73:5, explained in previous footnotes] From the above source it can be understood that it is forbidden for a child to see his parent of opposite gender unclothed once he reaches the age:signs of adulthood.

[5] See previous Halacha’s where the age and signs of adulthood were discussed in length!

[6] This prohibition would fall under the parents obligation of Chinuch for Shemiras Eiyanyim

[7] See regarding prohibition of bathing together: Rama E.H. 23:6 and Y.D. 242:16; Pesachim 51a

The reason: This is forbidden due to that it leads to forbidden thoughts. [Rama ibid] As one thinks of how he was born from his father. [Rashi Pesachim ibid]

[8] The reason: As everything a child sees, even from a young age, is encrypted in his mind, and hence it is proper to abstain them from seeing anything which can ignite their Yetzer Hara when they are older. [see Kav Hayashar 2; Hisvadyus 1984 20^th Marchesvan 37 regarding impure animal]

[9] See Rebbe in Sicha ibid who references to Kav Hayshar ibid that one is not to look at impure animals being it becomes encrypted in one’s mind and will affect them when older. Thus, certainly one is to be careful in seeing immodest women, as it will affect them when older. The Rebbe at first states that one is to be careful in this matter beginning from age of Chinuch, and then states that one is to be careful even by a new born, and the Kav Yashar states that the primary cause of making one stumble in looking at women is not being careful in not seeing impure animals. Thus, certainly one should abstain even an infant from seeing immodest women.

[10] See Admur 75:1 that this applies even when there is less than a Tefach of revealed skin

[11] See Admur 75:1 that this applies only when there is a Tefach of revealed skin

[12] Admur 75:1

[13] Biur Halacha 75:1 “Tefach” in name of Shulchan Shlomo

[14] Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:9 in name of Birur Halacha

[15] The reason: As they compare the law of learning in front of a Erva [brought in chapter 75] to the law of sleeping together with family [Chapter 73], and just like relatives may sleep together and say Shema even unclothed until the age of adulthood, so too he may Daven and learn in view of her until the age of adulthood. [See also M”A 74:9 towards end who also suggests such a connection]

[16] Chazon Ish 16:9; Neziros Shimshon; Or Letziyon 2:6; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:9; See Birur Halacha

[17] The reason: As the allowance of 73:3 is only regarding learning and Davening while skin is touching and not regarding seeing the unclothed part. [ibid]

[18] See Q&A regarding the age of Tzenius, and Issur of learning:Davening for a Ketana

[19] This law is not mentioned explicitly in Poskim although is derived from the following other law mentioned: Prohibition to sleep together unclothed once the child reaches signs of adulthood. [Michaber Even Haezer 21:7; Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 regarding Shema; See M”A 73:2 regarding seeming contradiction from Shema source; For possible answers of contradiction: See Perisha E.H. 21; Elya Raba 73:5, explained in previous footnotes] From the above source it can be understood that it is forbidden for a child to see his parent of opposite gender unclothed once he reaches the age:signs of adulthood.

[20] See previous Halacha’s where the age and signs of adulthood were discussed in length!

[21] See regarding prohibition of bathing together: Rama E.H. 23:6 and Y.D. 242:16; Pesachim 51a

The reason: This is forbidden due to that it leads to forbidden thoughts. [Rama ibid] As one thinks of how he was born from his father. [Rashi Pesachim ibid]

[22] The reason: As everything a child sees, even from a young age, is encrypted in his mind, and hence it is proper to abstain them from seeing anything which can ignite their Yetzer Hara when they are older. [see Kav Hayashar 2; Hisvadyus 1984 20^th Marchesvan 37 regarding impure animal]

[23] See Rebbe in Sicha ibid who references to Kav Hayshar ibid that one is not to look at impure animals being it becomes encrypted in one’s mind and will affect them when older. Thus, certainly one is to be careful in seeing immodest women, as it will affect them when older. The Rebbe at first states that one is to be careful in this matter beginning from age of Chinuch, and then states that one is to be careful even by a new born, and the Kav Yashar states that the primary cause of making one stumble in looking at women is not being careful in not seeing impure animals. Thus, certainly one should abstain even an infant from seeing immodest women.

[24] This law is not mentioned explicitly in Poskim although is derived from the following other law mentioned: Prohibition to sleep together unclothed once a child reaches signs of adulthood. [Michaber Even Haezer 21:7; Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 regarding Shema; See M”A 73:2 regarding seeming contradiction from Shema source; For possible answers of contradiction: See Perisha E.H. 21; Elya Raba 73:5, explained in previous footnotes] From the above source it can be understood that it is forbidden for siblings to see each other unclothed once he reaches the age:signs of adulthood.

[25] See previous Halacha’s where the age and signs of adulthood were discussed in length!

[26] The reason: As everything a child sees, even from a young age, is encrypted in his mind, and hence it is proper to abstain them from seeing anything which can ignite their Yetzer Hara when they are older. [see Kav Hayashar 2; Hisvadyus 1984 20^th Marchesvan 37 regarding impure animal]

[27] See Rebbe in Sicha ibid who references to Kav Hayshar ibid that one is not to look at impure animals being it becomes encrypted in one’s mind and will affect them when older. Thus, certainly one is to be careful in seeing immodest women, as it will affect them when older. The Rebbe at first states that one is to be careful in this matter beginning from age of Chinuch, and then states that one is to be careful even by a new born, and the Kav Yashar states that the primary cause of making one stumble in looking at women is not being careful in not seeing impure animals. Thus, certainly one should abstain even an infant from seeing immodest women.

[28] Rama E.H. 23:6 and Y.D. 242:16; omitted from Tur and Michaber both in Yoreh Deah and Even Haezer

[29] Pesachim 51a

[30] Our Girsa of Rama ibid and Rama Y.D. 242:16; Gemara ibid; Mordechai; Gemara ibid, brought in Chelkas Mechokeik 23:5; Beis Shmuel 23:5

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is permitted to bathe with one’s step-father and that this is the correct Nussach in the Rama ibid. [Chelkas Mechokeik 23:5; Rif; Rosh Rashi; Ran; Aguda]

[31] Girsa of Rama Y.D. 242:16; Gemara ibid; Beis Shmuel 23:5 and Chelkas Mechokeik 23:5 Rif; Rosh Rashi; Ran; Aguda; Gr”a

Other Girsas of Rama: In our Girsa of Rama E.H. ibid he does not mention the father in-law.

[32] Rama ibid; Pesachim ibid

The reason: This is forbidden due to that it leads to forbidden thoughts. [Rama ibid] As one thinks of how he was born from his father, and how his wife was born from her father. [Rashi Pesachim ibid]

[33] Our Girsa of Rama E.H. ibid; Girsa of Beis Shmuel 23:5; Taharas Yisrael 23:24

[34] Chelkas Mechokeik 23:5 that this is the correct Nussach in the Rama ibid and so is the Girsa in Rama Y.D. ibid; Gr”a; Aruch Hashulchan 23:8; Girsa of: Rif; Rosh Rashi; Ran; Aguda; Gemara ibid.

[35] Beis Shmuel 23:5

[36] The reason: As since the reason behind the prohibition is due to Hirhur, it is irrelvent as to whetehr he was there first. [ibid]

[37] This law is not mentioned explicitly in Poskim although is derived from the following other laws mentioned: a) Prohibition to sleep together unclothed once the child reaches signs of adulthood. [Michaber Even Haezer 21:7; Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 regarding Shema; See M”A 73:2 regarding seeming contradiction from Shema source; For possible answers of contradiction: See Perisha E.H. 21; Elya Raba 73:5, explained in previous footnotes] From the above source it can be understood that it is permitted for a child to see his parent of even opposite gender unclothed until he reaches the age:signs of adulthood.

[38] See previous Halacha’s where the age and signs of adulthood were discussed in length!

[39] Rama ibid and Y.D. 242:16; Aguda Pesachim ibid

[40] Pischeiy Teshuvah 23:5; Toldas Adam 6 in a story with Rebbe Zalman of Vilna and his father in-law, that as soon as he saw his father in-law in the bathhouse he left and did not return until his father in-law exited, as the Heter of the Rama and Aguda no longer apply; Taharas Yisrael 23:24

[41] Pischeiy Teshuvah ibid; Aruch Hashulchan 23:8

The reason: Perhaps this is due to that the entire prohibition applies only against lounging around in the bath together with the relative and not towards simply being unclothed with the relative in the same building. [Aruch Hashulchan ibid; suggested answer in Mordechai, now although the Mordechai negates this approach, nonetheless perhaps this approach is accepted by the world.]

[42] Aruch Hashulchan ibid

[43] Aruch Hashulchan ibid

[44] Aruch Hashulchan ibid

[45] We do not find mention in Poskim with regards to the age from which a child must be educated not to see women unclothed. Thus, we are left to maintain the general rules of Chinuch, of which for a negative command begins from approximately the age of two-three. [See Admur 343:3 regarding Chinuch for negative commands beginning from the age he understands the words “this is forbidden to do” and this is approximately from age 2-3.] Nevertheless, perhaps regarding these issues of Arayos, we begin from a later age as there is absolutely no Hirhur at this time, just as we find that the Poskim [Rashal Kedushin 22 based on Smag; Dvar Halacha 2:8; Shraga Hameir 8:126; Halichos Bas Yisrael 8:2] rule that children may have Yichud together and do not have to be educated to avoid it until they reach Bar:Bas Mitzvah. Vetzaruch Iyun, as perhaps the same should apply here as well that even after reaching the age of Chinuch from the letter of the law children do not have to be educated in Shemiras Eiynayim. However, once a child has reached puberty, or Bar:Bas Mitzvah certainly a prohibition would apply.

[46] Sefer Chassidim 10 “and not seeing women…one is to educate his children from a young age in order so when he becomes older he not stumble”; Salmas Chaim 689 [Hilchos Harchaka Min Arayos 64]; Mishneh Halachos 12:296

[47] Chazon Ish [brought in Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:7 footnote 76] states that one is to be careful in this beginning from age 2-3, when the child is already able to remember sights that he sees.

[48] The reason: As everything a child sees, even from a young age, is encrypted in his mind, and hence it is proper to abstain them from seeing anything which can ignite their Yetzer Hara when they are older. [see Kav Hayashar 2; Hisvadyus 1984 20^th MarCheshvan 37 regarding impure animal]

[49] Brachos 10a; See Torah Leshma 215

[50] See Rebbe in Sicha ibid who references to Kav Hayashar ibid that one is not to look at impure animals being it becomes encrypted in one’s mind and will affect them when older. Thus, certainly one is to be careful in seeing immodest women, as it will affect them when older. The Rebbe at first states that one is to be careful in this matter beginning from age of Chinuch, and then states that one is to be careful even by a new born, and the Kav Yashar states that the primary cause of making one stumble in looking at women is not being careful in not seeing impure animals. Thus, certainly one should abstain even an infant from seeing immodest women.

^[51] So rule regarding a man praying or learning in presence of a three year old girl who is not modestly dressed: Biur Halacha 75:1 “Tefach Megula” in name of Shulchan Shlomo; Ketzos Hashulchan Vol 1, Haaros Page 90 in name of Chayeh Adam [that from 3 years old a girl is considered an Ervah regarding Shema and Torah learning]; Shut Daas Sofer 1:11; Ben Ish Chaiy Bo 8 brought in Kaf Hachaim 75:10 [concludes to be stringent when possible]; Halichos Shlomo 20:9 in name of Rav SZ”A; Az Nidbaru 13:1; The Rebbe in a letter in Likkutei Sichos [18 p 448] writes that according to Shulchan Aruch the age of Tznius needs to begin at three years old and a day, although one should not be oppressive about this and should speak in a pleasant way. [For a translation of the letter see “Beautiful within” page 39]; See letter of Rav Farkash in “The Jewel of our Crown” page 79; Chesed Lealafim 75:8, brought in Kaf Hachaim 75:10, leaves this matter in question regarding any Ketana; Ashel Avraham of Butchach 75 brings sides to be stringent and lenient in this matter. See Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:8 footnote 82aa

Other opinions: The Chazon Ish [16:9] famously ruled that the laws of modesty for a girl do not begin from age 3 but rather from a later age from when their bodies are developed enough to cause men to have desire for them. [6:7].

[52] Michaber Even Haezer 21:7; Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 regarding Shema; Mishneh Kiddushin 80b

[53] Michaber ibid; Beis Shmuel 21:14

[54] Did not find explicitly in Poskim, but so seems logical

[55] Beis Shmuel ibid

[56] Beis Shmuel ibid; See Beis Yosef E.H. 21 “Kasav”

[57] Beis Shmuel ibid

[58] Michaber Even Haezer 21:7; Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 regarding Shema; Mishneh Kiddushin 80b

Daughter is married: A child bride [i.e. Meureses:Mekudeshes] is considered like an adult even if she is prior to the age of adulthood, and hence her father may not sleep with her together unclothed. [Michaber ibid]

Contradiction from 73:3 regarding Shema: Michaber and Admur 73:3 imply that it remains permitted to sleep together unclothed even pass adulthood and the issue is only regarding saying Shema. This is in clear contradiction to Kiddushin ibid and Tur/Michaber E.H. ibid, of which the Michaber and Admur certainly does not argue on. This question is asked by the M”A ibid on the Michaber O.C. ibid and he concludes with a Vetzaruch Iyun Gadol. Several answers were offered by Poskim to differentiate between the cases in O.C. and E.H. [See Perisha E.H. 21 that in O.C. refers to case that other people are in room, in E.H. refers to Yichud with child; Elya Raba 73:5 that O.C. refers to father/son, mother/daughter; E.H. refers to Mother/son, father/daughter; See P”M 73 A”A 2; Machatzis Hashekel 73:2; Kaf Hachaim 73:11]  It is however most perplexing that Admur ibid who saw the words of the M”A and most certainly the answer of the Elya Raba ibid or Perisha ibid but offered no hint in the text to an answer for this great contradiction; Furthermore, it is quite clearly implicit from the wording of Admur ibid that he refers also to a case of father/daughter and hence the answer of Elya Raba is negated. The only option is to say Admur holds like Perisha. If correct, then according to Admur it is permitted to co-seleep undressed when other people are around even when she is an adult. Vetzaruch Iyun Gadol, as concludes the M”A ibid! In conclusion, it is completely unclear to me as how Admur rules regarding co-sleeping irrelevant of Shema.

[59] From Michaber E.H. ibid it is evident that this law applies if only the parent or only child is undressed, and certainly if both are undressed.

[60] Did not find explicitly in Poskim, but so seems logical

[61] Michaber ibid “Bekiruv Basar”

[62] See Chavos Yair 72, brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah 21:6

[63] Background: There is general confusion in Poskim regarding the exact age of adulthood due to various opinions, and contradictory statements, as well as various versions of text: See Kiddushin 81b for two opinions in name of Rav Assi; See Rishonim [Rif; Rashi; Rosh] brought in Beis Yosef E.H. 21 “Keitzad” for different versions of the second opinion of Rav Assi; See Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 who give one definition [i.e. age] regarding Shema; See Michaber E.H. 21:7 who gives a second definition [i.e. puberty and maturity] regarding co-sleeping without clothing; See Tur O.C. 73 and E.H. 21 who gives slightly different definitions between Shema and co-sleeping; See M”A 73:2 who questions the seeming contradiction in both the Michaber and Tur between the ruling in O.C. regarding Shema and the ruling in E.H. regarding co-sleeping; See also M”B 73:11; For possible answers of contradiction: See Perisha E.H. 21 [i.e. in O.C. refers to case that other people are in room, in E.H. refers to Yichud with child]; Elya Raba 73:5 [O.C. refers to father/son, mother/daughter; E.H. refers to Mother/son, father/daughter] See P”M 73 A”A 2; Machatzis Hashekel 73:2; Kaf Hachaim 73:11

Opinion of Admur: Admur 73:3 defines adulthood regarding Shema as 12/13 or 11/12 with puberty, and implies that it remains permitted to sleep together unclothed even passed this age and the issue is only regarding Shema, which is in clear contradiction to Kiddushin ibid and Tur/Michaber E.H. ibid, of which Admur certainly does not argue on. This is the same question the M”A ibid asks on Michaber O.C. ibid. Vetzaruch Iyun Gadol on Admur ibid who saw the words of the M”A and most certainly the answer of the Elya Raba ibid or Perisha ibid but offered no hint in the text to an answer for this great contradiction; Furthermore, it is quite clearly implicit from the wording of Admur ibid that he refers also to a case of father/daughter and hence the answer of Elya Raba is negated. The only option is to say Admur holds like Perisha. If correct, the ages given by Admur in 75:3 only relate to when other people are around and in regard to Shema. Vetzaruch Iyun Gadol, as concludes the M”A ibid! In conclusion, it is completely unclear to me as how Admur rules regarding co-sleeping irrelevant of Shema and hence we cannot use the age given by Admur ibid to also learn regarding age for co-sleeping.

[64] Girsa/interpretation of Rashi/Rif in Kiddushin ibid; Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 regarding Shema [however implies that may co-sleep even after this age, and on this the M”A ibid asked his question];

[65] Girsa/interpretation of Rosh in Keddushin ibid; Tur 21; Bach 21; M”A 73:2; M”B 72:3; See Chelkas Mechokeik 21:12 that Michaber E.H. ibid is being more stringent than Bach, not more lenient, however Bach ibid understands Michaber to rule like Rif

[66] Michaber E.H. ibid

From what age do signs of puberty count: Some Poskim rule it applies at any age, even prior to 11/12 years of age. [Implication of Michaber ibid; Chelkas Mechokeik 21:12; Beis Shmuel 21:15] Other Poskim rule it only applies once the child reaches the age of 11 for a girl and 12 for a boy and has grown two pubic hairs. [Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 regarding Shema and implies that may co-sleep even past this age, and on this the M”A ibid asked his question]

[67] Michaber E.H. ibid

The reason: As once the child/mother is embarrassed it is a sign that the inclination has settled. [Kiddushin ibid, brought in Beis Yosef 21]

[68] Chelkas Mechokeik 21:12

[69] Pashut!

[70] Nitei Gavriel 49:12

[71] Implication of Michaber E.H. 24:1 who concludes today to distance even Yichud of two men, and certainly sleeping in the same bed would be forbidden; Rebbe Yehuda in Mishneh Kiddushin 82a “Two single men are not to sleep with the same sheet”; Tana Dvei Eilyahu Ish Shalom Drasha 18; Beis Shmuel 24:1 “One is required to distance from it” [and that this applies even according to the Bach 24 who argues on Michaber ibid and permits Yichud amongst males]; Chelkas Mechokeik 24:1 “Certainly two single men are prohibited to lie together” [and that this applies even according to the Bach 24 who argues on Michaber ibid and permits Yichud amongst males]; Beir Heiytiv 24:1; Shelah p. 99; Tochachas Chaim [Falagi] Bereishis Parshas Vayeitzei p. 125; Kitzur SHU”A 151:2; Kaf Hachaim 240:25; Nidchei Yisrael 24 [of Chofetz Chaim]; Chemdas Shlomo 204; Igros Kodesh of Rebbe Rayatz; Divrei Sofrim p. 270; Mishneh Halachos 6:230; Az Nidbaru 6:50-6; Ach Tov Leyisrael [Kachlon] 2:17

Other opinions: The Chachamim rule that it is permitted for two single men to be alone together and to sleep together with the same sheet. [Mishneh Kiddushin ibid, brought in Beis Yosef E.H. 24] The reason for this is because the Jewish people are not suspected to transgress Mishkav Zachur. [Kiddushin ibid; Rashi ibid; Beis Yosef ibid] Practically, we rule like the Chachamim regarding Yichud. [Michaber E.H. 24:1; Tur 24:1; Rosh Kiddushin 4:24; Rambam Issurei Biyah 22:2; Tosafus Kiddushin 81a; Rif Kiddushin 33b; Meiri Kiddushin 80b; Rashal Kiddushin ibid 31; See Gan Hamelech 61] Accordingly, some Poskim rule that even today there is no prohibition for to men to sleep together on the same bed, and we have never heard of anyone being careful in this. [Rashal Kiddushin 4:23 that one who is stringent against two males sleeping together with Kiruv Basar appears arrogant; Aruch Hashulchan 24:6 that Chas Veshalom we never heard anyone be careful in this; Possible implication of Bach 24 regarding Yichud and that the same would apply to sleeping together] Nonetheless, even they conclude that one who is stringent is blessed. [Aruch hashulchan ibid]

How can we rule against the Chachamim? This is seemingly due to two reasons: 1) In our generation there is greater challenge in this field of Mishkav Zachur, and therefore one must be Machmir like Rebbe Yehuda, even though in general we rule like Chachamim. [See Michaber ibid] b) Perhaos even the Chachamim were only lenient regarding sleeping with the same sheet on two different beds, or on the ground. However, to sleep together on the same bed, is more severe.

[72] The reason: As this can lead to Mishkav Zachur. [Rashi ibid; See Daas Kohen 3 for a Maaseh Shayah] Or sinful thoughts, even though it will not lead to Mishkav Zachur. [Nidchei Yisrael 24]

A Maaseh Shehayah: Many years ago I [the author] had a conversation with an individual who struggled for many years with homosexual thoughts and he said that it began with a Yeshiva camping trip in which the boys slept together in tents. There were two boys per tent, and the tents were small, and he and his friend slept with the same sleeping bag. This awakened within him a homosexual Taavah for the first time, and from that camping trip and on he had to battle this Taavah for many years, until through therapy he was able to overcome it. He never sinned due to this Taavah, and is today happily married with children. This story is not an isolated incident, and the warning of the Poskim should be taken very seriously, as even if it does not lead to actual sinful activity between the two parties at that time [which indeed seems far-fetched], it can enter these feelings into the hearts of the individual and cause him decades of unnecessary pain and suffering!   וד”ל ואין להאריך בדבר שהצניעות יפה לו והארכנו כבר די והותר וכל מי שיש לו מוח בקדקדו ויודע מצב הדור מבין חשיבות הענין

[73] Beis Shmuel ibid; Chelkas Mechokeik ibid

[74] Shelah ibid; Kaf Hachaim ibid

[75] Beis Shmuel ibid; Chelkas Mechokeik ibid; Tochachas Chaim ibid; Chofetz Chaim ibid

[76] See Michaber ibid; Toras Chaim [Shabsi] 3:1, and if that applied back then, then certainly today. וד”ל

The law in a generation that is not Parutz: Seemingly, it would be permitted for two men:boys to sleep together on the same bed if the generation is very refined and no Jews are suspected of Mishkav Zachar, as we rule like Chachamim. It seems, however, that we will need to wait for Moshiach to come for this question to become a anything close to reality.

[77] Michaber Even Haezer 21:7; Beis Shmuel 21:14

If they are undressed-Contradiction from 73:3 regarding Shema: Michaber and Admur 73:3 imply that it remains permitted to sleep together unclothed even pass adulthood and the issue is only regarding saying Shema. This is in clear contradiction to Kiddushin ibid and Tur:Michaber E.H. ibid, of which the Michaber and Admur certainly does not argue on. This question is asked by the M”A ibid on the Michaber O.C. ibid and he concludes with a Vetzaruch Iyun Gadol. Several answers were offered by Poskim to differentiate between the cases in O.C. and E.H. [See Perisha E.H. 21 that in O.C. refers to case that other people are in room, in E.H. refers to Yichud with child; Elya Raba 73:5 that O.C. refers to father:son, mother:daughter; E.H. refers to Mother:son, father:daughter; See P”M 73 A”A 2; Machatzis Hashekel 73:2; Kaf Hachaim 73:11]  It is however most perplexing that Admur ibid who saw the words of the M”A and most certainly the answer of the Elya Raba ibid or Perisha ibid but offered no hint in the text to an answer for this great contradiction; Furthermore, it is quite clearly implicit from the wording of Admur ibid that he refers also to a case of father:daughter and hence the answer of Elya Raba is negated. The only option is to say Admur holds like Perisha. If correct, then according to Admur it is permitted to co-sleep undressed when other people are around even when she is an adult. Vetzaruch Iyun Gadol, as concludes the M”A ibid! In conclusion, it is completely unclear to me as how Admur rules regarding co-sleeping irrelevant of Shema.

[78] Beis Shmuel ibid

[79] See Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 who give one definition [i.e. age] regarding Shema; See Michaber E.H. 21:7 who gives a second definition [i.e. puberty and maturity] regarding co-sleeping without clothing

[80] See Beis Shmuel 21:14

[81] This is due to reasons of Chinuch, and extra Taharah, and to suspect that from age nine a boy can begin to develop

[82] See Nidchei Yisrael chapter 24

[83] Written on 7^th Iyar 5703 to Mr Nissan ??

[84] Setimas Kol Haposkim; See Mishneh Zavim 4:1; Kesef Mishneh Mitamei Mishkav Umoshav 9:4;

[85] See Shabbos 65a “Avuha Deshmuel would not allow his daughters to esleep together”

The reason: While the worry of sin between two women is not on the level of severity as the sin of two men, nonetheless, practically, doing so can cause lesbian feelings to be aroused within a girl, and hence practically it is to be avoided not just in order to prevent sinful temporary thoughts, but also to prevent a possible lust from entering the persons heart which may take years to battle and overcome. וד”ל ואין להאריך בדבר שהצניעות יפה לו והארכנו כבר די והותר וכל מי שיש לו מוח בקדקדו ויודע מצב הדור מבין חשיבות הענין

[86] Mi Michaber Even Haezer 21:7; Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:6; Shabbos 13a “Ula stated that any closeness is forbidden as we say to the Nazir Sechor Sechor…”; Avoda Zara 17a; Bach in Kuntrus Achron 21; Chochmas Adam 125:1; Igros Moshe Y.D. 2:137; Nitei Gavriel Yichud 53:1; See Meil Tzedaka 19; Od Yosef Chaiy Parshas Shoftim p. 151

A Tzaddik: Although Ula himself made the above statement prohibiting any physical engagement between relatives, Ula himself would kiss his sisters by the hand or by the chest [Bei Chadaihu]. [Shabbos ibid] This is because Ula was a complete Tzaddik, and he knew that he would not be led to any immoral thoughts, as it was like kissing a wooden board. [Chelkas Mechokek 21:8; Beis Shmuel 21:14; Tosafos Shabbos 13a; Likkutei Sichos 6:415] Likewise, Ula would not come to do so with any other women, as he was a complete Tzaddik, and hence there is no reason to decree against him kissing his sister. Other people however may learn to hug other women if this were to be allowed. [Igros Moshe ibid] However, some explain that it is permitted to hug a relative if one has no affection, and the intent of Ula to prohibit hugging relative, is only if one has sexual pleasure from doing so. [Meil Tzedakah 19; Vetzaruch Iyun, as this contradicts the entire ruling of Michaber/Rambam ibid] Another example of the above allowance for Tzadikim can be found in scripture where Yaakov kissed Rachel. [See Meil Tzedaka 19; Od Yosef Chaiy Parshas Shoftim p. 151]

Yaakov kissing Rachel: The Torah [Bereishis 29:11] relates that Yaakov Avinu hugged and kissed Rachel, his first cousin, when he first met her. The Mefarshim and Poskim deal with why he did so, and how this does not contradict the above ruling. Some say that this was the accepted form of greeting in those times, and since they were cousins it would not be viewed by anyone as an erotic act. This is similar to a doctor touching a woman for medical reasons. [Midrash Raba Vayeitzei that it was a kiss of “Kirva”; Meil Tzedaka 19; Od Yosef Chaiy Shoftim p. 151] Others say that he kissed her on her forehead, or shoulder, and not on her lips. [Rabbeinu Bechayeh ibid] Alternatively, she was a small girl [and not an adult]. [Rabbeinu Bechayeh ibid] Others say that his was a mistake [See 2^nd Pirush in Midrash Raba ibid] and Yaakov was in truth punished for doing so. See Tanya chapter 47; Torah Or Vayeitzei and other Chassidishe Sefarim where this matter is explained according to Penimiyus Hainyanim.

[87] The Michaber ibid states one’s father’s sister, although obviously the same would apply to one’s mother’s sister.

[88] See Chochmas Adam ibid for a list of all the Arayos

[89] Michaber ibid; Rambam ibid; Bach in Kuntrus Achron 21

Other opinions: Some Poskim imply that there is never a prohibition to hug and kiss a relative [even of permissible marriage] if one is doing so without any sexual intent or pleasure, and is merely done out of Derech Eretz and the way of the world. [Implication of Meil Tzedaka 19 in his answer of Ula; Od Yosef Chaiy Parshas Shoftim p. 151 based on Midrash Raba Vayeitzei regarding Yaakov and Rachel and on Heter for a male doctor to have a female patient; Vetzaruch Iyun, as this contradicts the entire ruling of Michaber/Rambam ibid]

[90] Michaber ibid; See Beis Shmuel 21:14 who uses the term “forbidden” and not just a Davar Issur as writes Michaber; See Bach in Kuntrus Achron 21; Otzer Haposkim 21:51 in name of Batei Kehuna; See next footnote

[91] Michaber ibid; Rambam ibid; See Bach in Kuntrus Achron 21

Is this a Biblical or Rabbinical prohibition? Hugging, kissing, and other touch of relatives which is done for the sake of sexual pleasure, or from which one receives sexual pleasure, is a complete Biblical prohibition which is liable for lashes and is to be protested against. [Bach in Kuntrus Achron 21] Thus, hugging and kissing relatives who one can marry, such as a niece, or cousin, is a complete Biblical prohibition which is liable for lashes and is to be protested against. The reason for this is because one has benefit and pleasure from such contact, and is therefore include in the Biblical prohibition of touching an Erva in a form of Chiba [affection]. It is therefore Rabbinically forbidden even for a Tzaddik to hug and kiss such relatives, even though he has absolutely no erotic thoughts, as this appears as a forbidden act of affection. However, hugging and kissing other relatives with whom marriage is forbidden, and there is no natural attraction to them, such as a sister and aunt, is only a Rabbinical prohibition due to a decree that one may come to do so with other relatives. However, there is no Biblical prohibition involved, being that the Biblical prohibition only applies if one does so “Derech Chiba” in a way of pleasure. One is therefore not required to protest against one who does so, if one assumes that they will not listen. [Igros Moshe ibid; see Bach in Kuntrus Achron 21 that whenever one has a lust and pleasure for the touch of the relative, it is Biblically forbidden, even if one cannot marry them, and it is only when one has no feelings of lust and pleasure, which is usually the case, that this prohibition does not apply.]

[92] It does not state explicitly in Poskim the age from when hugging and kissing is forbidden. However, seemingly it would only apply by a child who has reached the age of Biyah, which is three years for a girl and nine years for a boy. [Implication of Beis Shmuel 21:9; Michaber 22:11 and Beis Shmuel 22:15 state regarding the start of the prohibition of Yichud that it begins from age nine for a boy and three for a girl and the same would seemingly [and certainly] apply towards affectionate touch; Beir Moshe 4:145; Nitei Gavriel 53:1]

[93] Rav SZ”A in Avnei Yashpei p. 189

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule an uncle may hug and kiss his niece until she becomes physically developed, which is usually not before age 11. [Beir Moshe ibid] The reason for this is because a niece which has not yet reached age of maturity is not an Ervah at all. Vetzaruch Iyun as the Sages prohibited Yichud with her from age three.

[94] Michaber ibid; Kiddushin 80b; Kitzur SHU”A 159:10

[95] Perisha 21:7; Beis Shmuel 21:15; Beir Heiytiv 21:15; Taharas Yisrael 21:17; Chochmas Adam 125:6

If the daughter/granddaughter/mother/grandmother is a Niddah: The above allowance applies even if the relation is a Niddah. [Betzeil Hachochmah 3:12]

[96] Chelkas Mechokek 21:10 based on Kiddushin 81b; Beis Shmuel 21:14 [see there for a long discussion on this topic]; Pischeiy Teshuvah 21:5; Igros Moshe ibid

[97] Implication of Michaber 21:7 “older sister”; Chelkas Mechokek 21:9-11; Beis Shmuel 21:14; Chochmas Adam 124:6

The reason: As this is done simply Lesheim Shamayim for the sake of showing closeness to one’s relative, and not for the sake of showing closeness of a marriage nature. [Chelkas Mechokek ibid]

[98] Based on Michaber 21:7 and Admur 73:3 who gives this age for parents with children in terms of sleeping together, and the Chelkas Mechokek 21:11 and Beis Shmuel 21:14 applies the same law to a younger sister, and certainly the same would apply to hugging and kissing [which is less severe than sleeping with each other unclothed, as brought in Beis Shmuel 21:15]

[99] Admur ibid; Chelkas Mechokek 21:12; Chochmas Adam ibid; Igros Moshe 2:144; Nitei Gavriel 53 footnote 10

[100] Nitei Gavriel 53 footnote 10

[101] Beis Shmuel 21:14 that when both are clothed there is no prohibition to sleep together even if she is an adult and is married; Pnei Moshe 21:5; Beir Heiytiv 21:14; Aruch Hashulchan 21:10; Taharas Yisrael 21:17; Nidchei Yisrael 24; Divrei Yatziv Even Haezer 36; Chochmas Adam 125:6 concludes with a Tzaruch Iyun; Betzeil Hachochmah 3:12

[102] Mishneh Lamelech on Rambam 21:6-7; Nesivos Shabbos 13a; Meiri Kiddushin 81b; See Betzeil Hachochmah ibid

[103] Betzeil Hachochmah 3:12 as rule majority of Poskim ibid

[104] Betzeil Hachochmah ibid; Beir Moshe 4:145; Igros Moshe Even Haezer 1:60 and 4:63; See also Od Yosef Chaiy Shoftim 21 that a Baal Nefesh is to be stringent to himself. [does not specifically stipulate regarding daughter who is married].

[105] See Beis Shmuel 21:12; Taz 21:1 that by the above relatives doing acts of non-affection acts in public [such as checking each other’s hair] does not arouse immoral thoughts being that everyone understands that they do not share an incestuous relationship.

[106] As the above Poskim only permitted these relatives to check lice in public, which is not an affectionate touch, while by an affectionate touch, such as hugging and kissing, certainly it can arouse immoral thoughts in the onlooker.

[107] So is implied from the ruling of the Taz and Beis Shmuel ibid that there is no Zichron Tashmish by such relatives

[108] So rules Hagaon HaRav Yaakov Yosef Zal, stating that those fathers who hug their older daughters in public are Amei Haretz and are causing others to stumble.

[109] Pashut, as people do not view this erotically.

[110] Rav Elyashiv in Koveitz Teshuvos 2:20; Mishneh Halachos 4:186

[111] The reason: As the Sages only forbade clear acts of affection, such as hugging and kissing, and not acts of respect such as shaking hands.

[112] See Igros Moshe Y.D. 2:137

[113] Taz 21:10; Beis Shmuel 21:12

[114] The reason: As doing so involves too much affection. [ibid]

[115] Taz 21:10; Beis Shmuel 21:12

[116] The reason: As this is not an act of affection and will not cause others to have erotic thoughts of them. [ibid]

[117] Rav Akiva Eiger Y.D. 392 in name of Beis Yosef 135

[118] See Nishmas Avraham ibid 3

[119] See Michaber E.H. 22:11; Nishmas Avraham ibid 4

[120] Otzer Haposkim 9:130-132 in name of the Rebbe and many Gedolei Haposkim; Minchas Yitzchak 9:140; Shevet Halevi 5:205-8; 6:196; Devar Halacha 7:20 in name of Chazon Ish; Devar Yehoshua 3 E.H. 16-17; Divrei Yatziv E.H. 46; Nishmas Avraham ibid in name of Rav SZ”A and Rav Elyashiv

[121] See Tzitz Eliezer 6:40-21; Igros Moshe E.H. 4:64-2

[122] See Otzer Haposkim ibid; Shevet Halevi ibid; Minchas Yitzchak ibid; Nishmas Avraham ibid in name of Rav SZ”A and Rav Elyashiv

[123] See Igros Kodesh 23:24; 100, 310, printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:11

[124] Shevet Halevi ibid

[125] There is no unique Halacha that limits the showing of affection in front of children or that excludes children from the above law that prohibits affectionate touch in front of others. Thus, seemingly, children are included in the above prohibition of showing affection in front of “others.” Now, there are two reasons behind the prohibition against showing affection before others; 1) Tzenius and 2) Hirhur. [See Taz ibid] Thus, it would be forbidden for the couple to engage in immodest affectionate touch in front of children who can speak [see below], while acts of touch that are not immodest necessarily would be permitted to perform in front of children until the child has reached an age to comprehend the concept of marital relations and thus may lead him to Hirhur. Vetzaruch Iyun from the Halacha that parents may be naked and sleep naked with their kids until the age of embarrassment, which is approximately 11-12 years of age. [Admur 73:3; Michaber E.H. 21:7] One must however conclude that there is a difference between being undressed in front of others and showing affection in front of others, as is seen from the fact that men may bathe together, and sleep under blankets, even though showing affection in front of them is forbidden due to Tzenius.

The age from which the prohibition begins: It is forbidden to perform marital relations before any human being that has reached the age that they can speak. [Michaber 240:6] Seemingly this same age would apply regarding showing affectionate touch in front of a child who has a reached this age.

[126] Admur ibid; Michaber ibid; Yireim 392; Rabbeinu Yona Brachos 25b

[127] Nishmas Adam 4:1; Kaf Hachaim 75:27; However see Michaber ibid; Perisha 21:2 on Tur E.H. 21 who rules that listening to the singing of an Erva is Biblically forbidden.

[128] Admur 75:6; Michaber O.C. 75:3 and E.H. 21:1; Shmuel in Brachos 24a “The voice of a woman is an Erva”

The reason: This is learned from a verse in Shir Hashirim that states “Ki Kolecha Areiv:Because your voice is pleasant.” [Brachos ibid] From here we learn that the voice of a woman is attractive and contains a lust. [Rashi ibid]

[129] Admur ibid; M”A 75:6; Beis Shmuel E.H. 21:6 [regarding prayer]; Bear Sheva, brought in Beir Heiytiv 21:4 [regarding anytime]; Beis Oved 17; Chesed Lealafim 75:6; Ben Ish Chaiy Bo 13; Kaf Hachaim 75:21

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that al

[130] Admur ibid; Rama 75:3; Ohel Moed 5:5; Hagahos Maimanis

[131] Pashut; Piskeiy Teshuvos 75 footnote 106

[132] Beis Oved; Ruach Chaim 75:2; Ben Ish Chaiy Bo 12-13; Kaf Hachaim 75:24

[133] See Q&A

[134] Beir Sheva  p. 119, brought in Kaf Hachaim 75:23; Elya Raba 75:5; Shaar Hatziyon 560:25; Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:12

[135] Although the verse states that Devorah and Barak sang together, nevertheless, this is different being it was done as result of Hashem’s command. [Elya Raba ibid]

[136] Beir Sheva  p. 119, brought in Kaf Hachaim 75:23; Elya Raba 75:5; Shaar Hatziyon 560:25; Shevet Halevi 5:197-4; Halichos Bas Yisrael 6:6; Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:12; see Beis Avi 3:32

[137] Shevet Halevi ibid

[138] Beis Avi 3:32; Ishei Yisrael 55:29 in name of Rav Elyashiv, brought in Piskeiy Teshuvos 75 footnote 125; Halichos Bas Yisarel ibid footnote 12 brings in name of Rav SZ”A that girls may be lenient to sing on a bus with separate compartments if the male bus driver cannot see them.

[139] The reason: As perhaps singing out of service of G-d does not bring immoral thoughts, as was seen with Miriam and the women who sang Shiras Hayam. [Beis Avi ibid]

[140] Ishei Yisarel ibid

[141] So is evident from all Poskim who discuss the law regarding children relatives, including: Biur Halacha 75:1 “Tefach” in name of Shulchan Shlomo; Chazon Ish 16:9; Neziros Shimshon; Or Letziyon 2:6; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:9; See Birur Halacha;

[142] Implication of M”B 75:17 “and so too all the Arayos”; Shevet Halevi 10:26 regarding sister and daughter; Chut Shani E.H. 3 p. 266 in name of Chazon Ish that a sister is always forbidden and a mother [or daughter] is forbidden during Davening; Avnei Yashpei 5:5 regarding sister and daughter; Minchas David 46; Taharas Am Yisrael p. 53 in name of Chazon Ish that it is forbidden to hear one’s sister sing; Halichos Bas Yisrael 6:1 p. 92 and footnote 16 that Gedolei Yisrael agree that it is initially forbidden to hear one’s sister sing; Ishei Yisrael p. 470-31 regarding sister and daughter 30-31; The following Poskim forbid regarding sister [unclear regarding daughter/mother]: Teshuvos Vehanhagos 1:138; Lehoros Nasan 4:104; Beir Sarim 1:30; Rabbanim in Aliba Dehilchasa Volume 8 p. 2

[143] Background: There is general confusion in Poskim regarding the exact age of adulthood due to various opinions, and contradictory statements, as well as various versions of text: See Kiddushin 81b for two opinions in name of Rav Assi; See Rishonim [Rif; Rashi; Rosh] brought in Beis Yosef E.H. 21 “Keitzad” for different versions of the second opinion of Rav Assi; See Michaber 73:3-4 and Admur 73:3 who give one definition [i.e. age] regarding Shema; See Michaber E.H. 21:7 who gives a second definition [i.e. puberty and maturity] regarding co-sleeping without clothing; See Tur O.C. 73 and E.H. 21 who gives slightly different definitions between Shema and co-sleeping; See M”A 73:2 who questions the seeming contradiction in both the Michaber and Tur between the ruling in O.C. regarding Shema and the ruling in E.H. regarding co-sleeping; See also M”B 73:11; For possible answers of contradiction: See Perisha E.H. 21 [i.e. in O.C. refers to case that other people are in room, in E.H. refers to Yichud with child]; Elya Raba 73:5 [O.C. refers to father/son, mother/daughter; E.H. refers to Mother/son, father/daughter] See P”M 73 A”A 2; Machatzis Hashekel 73:2; Kaf Hachaim 73:11

[144] See Avnei Yashpei 5:5-18 that a sister is forbidden because it is forbidden to hug her [which would not apply to a mother or daughter]; See Aliba Dehilchasa Volume 8 p. 2

[145] The reason: As it is forbidden to hug ones sister, although is permitted to hug one’s mother or daughter

[146] See Taharas Am Yisrael p. 53; Rabbanim in Aliba Dehilchasa Volume 8 p. 2

[147] The reason: As from the letter of the law there is no Biblical prohibition to even hug and kiss one’s sister, and Yichud is permitted, and therefore there is no worry of Hirhur when they sing. Likewise, people don’t view the singing voice of a mother, sister or daughter in an erotic fashion and hence there is never a worry of Hirhur when they sing.

[148] Biur Halacha 75:1 “Tefach” in name of Shulchan Shlomo

[149] Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:9 in name of Birur Halacha

[150] The reason: As they compare the law of learning in front of a Erva [brought in chapter 75] to the law of sleeping together with family [Chapter 73], and just like relatives may sleep together and say Shema even unclothed until the age of adulthood, so too he may Daven and learn in view of her until the age of adulthood. [See also M”A 74:9 towards end who also suggests such a connection]

[151] Divrei Yatziv E.H. 36; Birur Halacha 75; Halichos Bas Yisrael 6 footnote 16; Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:11 and footnote 115 that Kol Isha it is more lenient than Tefach Megulah; Avnei Yashpei 5:5-8; Poskim in Aliba Dehilchasa Volume 8 p. 2

[152] Chazon Ish 16:9; Neziros Shimshon; Or Letziyon 2:6; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:9; See Birur Halacha

[153] The reason: As the allowance of 73:3 is only regarding learning and Davening while skin is touching and not regarding seeing the unclothed part. [ibid]

[154] See Q&A regarding the age of Tzenius, and Issur of learning/Davening for a Ketana and the same applies regarding Kol Isha. [See Halichos Shlomo 20:20 in name of Rav SZ”A]

[155] Some Poskim are even initially lenient to permit Kol Isha during Davening by all girls under age 6, and certainly this would apply by the above relatives. [See Ben Ish Chaiy Bo 1:13; Ishei Yisrael 55 footnote 99 in name of Rav Chaim Kanievsky; Birur Halacha 75; Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:11

[156] Admur ibid; Olas Tamid 75:5; Rabbeinu Yona ibid; Kitzur SHU”A 5:16; Kaf Hachaim 75:26; See Beis Yosef 76; Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:11

[157] Kitzur SHU”A ibid; Kaf Hachaim ibid

[158] Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:11; However, see M”B 75:17 who implies that even in such a case one is not initially to Daven in an area that he can hear them singing.

[159] See Sefer Chassidim 168 “Do not mix boys with girls lest they sin….So too male and female children playing in the streets, its boys alone and girls alone and not boys with girls”; Meiri Kiddushin 81a

[160] Ezer Mikodesh 21:6

[161] Siach Hasadeh [Kaznievsky] Sefer Hazichron p. 12; Shevet Hakehasi 2:325; Sefer Ein Lamo Michshal 7:357 in name of today’s Poskim

[162] Piskeiy Teshuvos 75:8 in citation of Teshuvah Meahava 2:229

[163] Sefer Hasichos 5749 p. 5 footnote 25; Toras Menachem 5749 1:39 footnote 25

[164] Pardes Chabad ibid

[165] See Maharahm Brisk 2:70 that even though in his opinion it is permitted to Daven in their presence, nevertheless, they are not to be brought to Shul when dressed immodestly.

[166] See Seridei Eish O.C. 2:8; Igros Kodesh 25:2; Igros Moshe Y.D. 1:137

[167] See Michaber E.H. 22:11; Nishmas Avraham ibid 4

[168] Rashal Kedushin 22 in name of Smag and implication of Rambam “The Smag states that the Sages only decreed Yichud if the man is 13 years of age and the girl is three…one must thereby conclude that the Yichud prohibition only applies when at least one of the genders is the age of Mitzvos”; Bach Y.D. 22 “And so is the Halacha like the Rambam, that [only] a child who is of age of Mitzvos is forbidden in Yichud with a child above the age of 3 for a female and 9 for a male”; Dvar Halacha 2:8; Shraga Hameir 8:126; Halichos Bas Yisrael 8:2; The Laws of Yichud [Dubov] 1:8

[169] Shraga Hameir ibid based on Meiri Kedushin 80a “A male and female child should not constantly be together in the same activity or class, in order so they do not become accustomed to be with each other”

The reason: As although the children themselves are permitted from the letter of the law to be together with each other, nevertheless, this is no different than any other Mitzvah of which we are obligated to educate our children once they have reached the age of Chinuch. [Shraga Hameir ibid] Vetzaruch Iyun on why this was omitted from Dvar Halacha ibid. Perhaps, however, one can say that until a child reaches the age of puberty he is not considered to have reached the age of Chinuch for Yichud, as the age of Chinuch of a Mitzvah only begins when one reaches the age of understanding of that Mitzvah. [see 343:3] On the other hand, however, the age of Chinuch for negative commands, such as Yichud, should begin as soon as the child understands enough to be told that it is forbidden to do so [see 343:3]. Accordingly, the Mitzvah of Chinuch for Yichud by children with other children would begin at a very young age [from 3!], something which is unheard of.  Thus, one must say that Yichud is not similar to other Mitzvos of Chinuch that begin as soon as the child understands the Mitzvah or understands the warning against doing so, as the Sages initially never enacted a Yichud prohibition towards children [which are mainly all below puberty] the same way they did not enact a Yichud prohibition when Baalah Bair, and hence this matter is not relevant to Chinuch at all. Vetzaruch Iyun.

[170] See Nitei Gavriel Yichud 3; The Laws of Yichud [Dubov] p. 9

[171] Rav Assi in Kiddushin 81b “A man may have Yichud with his sister and live with his mother”; Yerushalmi Sotah 1b; Chelkas Mechokei E.H. 20:9, 21:1; Beis Shmuel 22:1 [unlike 20:14]; Rashal in Yam Shel Shomo Kiddushin 27; Perisha 22:3; Kitzur Piskeiy Rosh Kiddushin 24; Semak 99; Ran Kiddushin ibid; Mishneh Limelech Sotah 1; Chochmas Adam 126:12; Chikrei Lev E.H. 6 and 17; Avnei Nezer 2:233; Aruch Hashulchan 22:2; Maharsham Mafteichos 76; Nidchei Yisrael [of Chofetz Chaim] 24:6; Nachalas David 23; Erech Shaiy E.H. 22 based on Zohar; Misgeres Hashulchan 152:1

[172] The reason: Although a sister is an Erva, nonetheless, the Sages [Yuma 69b; Sanhedrin 64] removed the inclination for relatives such as one’s sister, and hence permitted temporarily living together. [Tosafus Harosh Kiddushin ibid; Hamakneh, Rashash and Pnei Yehoshua Kiddushin ibid; See Eiyn Yitzchak E.H. 8 and Nitei Gavriel 3 footnote 1 and 2]

[173] Dvar Halacha Hosafos 2; Igros Moshe 4:64-1; Kinyan Torah 5:126; Nitei Gavriel 3:11 footnote 21; See however Toras Hayichud in name of Rav SZ”A

[174] Beis Shmuel E.H. 20:14 “And so too Yichud is forbidden” [unlike 22:1]; Radbaz 7:32; Yosef Ometz 22; Od Yosef Chaiy Shoftim 3 “Although there are Poskim who permit Yichud with a sister, the main opinion follows that it is forbidden, especially in this promiscuous generation.”; Shmuel in Kiddushin 81b [regarding all Arayos, including mother]; Implication of Rambam, Tur and Michaber who all omit the allowance of Yichud with a sister even though they mention the allowance of a mother [so leans to understand Beis Shmuel ibid; See Eiyn Yitzchak E.H. 8 and Nitei Gavriel 3 footnote 1 for an analysis on their opinion]; Implication of Kitzur SHU”A 152:1 who omits a sister

[175] The vast majority of Poskim [brought in footnote above] all rule it is permitted and that so is the main opinion, and so is the custom; Nitei Gavriel 3:1

[176] Chelkas Mechokei E.H. 21:1; Piskeiy Harosh; Semag L.S. 126; Rashal ibid; Chochmas Adam ibid; Misgeres Hashulchan ibid

[177] Heard from a child psychologist with decades of experience in dealing with incense and molestation cases that occur within the family

[178] Poskim brought in Nitei Gavriel 3 footnote 4

[179] See Nitei Gavriel 3:12; The Laws of Yichud [Dubov] p. 10 footnote 25

[180] Is this prohibition Biblical or Rabbinical? This prohibition is merely Rabbinical. [See Beis Shmuel ibid; Piskeiy Harosh 4:22; Nitei Gavriel 3 footnote 2]

[181] All Poskim ibid; Yerushalmi ibid; Rashi Kiddushin ibid in explanation of opinion of Rav Assi

The reason: The inclination for a mother or daughter is completely dormant and Yichud is hence allowed even permanently. However, the Yetzer for a sister although dormant is still possible, and hence the Sages limited the Yichud allowance to only a temporary basis. [See Rashi Kiddushin ibid; Pnei Yehoshua ibid; Tosafus Rosh Kiddushin ibid] Alternatively, it is not possible to decree against living alone with a mother or daughter, as opposed to a sister. [Erech Shaiy ibid]

[182] Otzer Haposkim 22:2 in name of Tzuf Dvash

[183] Imrei Yosher

[184] Igros Moshe

[185] Heard from a child psychologist with decades of experience in dealing with incense and molestation cases that occur within the family

[186] See Nishmas Avraham ibid 3

[187] See Michaber E.H. 22:11; Nishmas Avraham ibid 4

[188] Otzer Haposkim 9:130-132 in name of the Rebbe and many Gedolei Haposkim; Minchas Yitzchak 9:140; Shevet Halevi 5:205-8; 6:196; Devar Halacha 7:20 in name of Chazon Ish; Devar Yehoshua 3 E.H. 16-17; Divrei Yatziv E.H. 46; Nishmas Avraham ibid in name of Rav SZ”A and Rav Elyashiv

[189] See Tzitz Eliezer 6:40-21; Igros Moshe E.H. 4:64-2

[190] See Otzer Haposkim ibid; Shevet Halevi ibid; Minchas Yitzchak ibid; Nishmas Avraham ibid in name of Rav SZ”A and Rav Elyashiv

[191] See Igros Kodesh 23:24; 100, 310, printed in Shulchan Menachem 6:11

[192] Shevet Halevi ibid

[193] See Devar Halacha 4:1-3l; Nitei Gavriel 29:1-7; The Laws of Yichud 94

[194] Michaber E.H. 22:10 “So too, Yichud is permitted with a woman that has a small female child with her who knows the taste of intercourse and does not give herself up for intercourse”; Kiddushin 81b

The reason: As a woman is fearful to have relations in the presence of the child, as the child will reveal her secret. [Michaber ibid]

[195] Rama Y.D. 192:4; Raavad; Nitei Gavriel 27:8

[196] There is no exact age recorded in the Talmud or Shulchan Aruch to define the above statement of “knows the taste of intercourse and does not give herself up for intercourse”. [Salmas Chaim 718 in name of Chasam Sofer] Some Poskim rule that every person may measure the age based on his own estimation. [Chjasam Sofer Y.D. 144] Some Poskim write that from the age that a girl is ashamed to be naked in front of others she is considered a Shomer. [Beis Shlomo 48; Yagel Yaakov 14; See Nitei Gavriel 29:2] Other Poskim say the age is based on when the child is old enough to tell over things that she sees. [Porat Yosef 28] Some Poskim record an exact age, as will be brought below:

The following minimum ages are recorded in Poskim: Female child: From 3 years old. [Mahram Merothenberg; Hamakneh Kiddushin 82a; Porat Yosef 1:29 that so is implied from Bach and Tur; See Tzitz Eliezer 6:215]; From 5 years old. [Tzemach Tzedek 39; Dvar Halacha 4:2; Nitei Gavriel 29:2-3 that so rule Morei Horaos] From 5-6 Years old. [Shevet Halevi 5:202]; From 6-7 years old. [Yaskil Avdi 5:22] Male child: From 5 years old for a male. [Chasam Sofer E.H. 2:96; Tzemach Tzedek Hashmatos Miluim C.M. 10; Chukeiy Hanashim of Ben Ish Chaiy 42:164; Nitei Gavriel 29:7] From 6 years old. [Dvar Halacha 4:3 that so ruled Chazon Ish] From 6-7 years old. [Sidrei Taharah Y.D.D 192:13] From 7 years old. [Ohalei Yeshurun in name of Rav Moshe Feinstein]; From 9 years old. [Hamakneh Kiddushin 81a; Kesef Mishneh Tumas Meis 11:9; Pleisi Y.D. 192:4; Machatzis Hashekel 192; Chochmas Adam ibid; Dvar Halacha 4:10 based on Beis Yehuda 13]

The following maximum age is recorded in Poskim: Female child: Until 9 years old. [Bach 22; Pischeiy Teshuvah 22:12 in name of Zechor Leavraham Yud Erech Yichud, in name of Bach; Piskei Dinim 192:17; Beis Shlomo 48; Chochmas Adam 115:9; Levushei Mordechai E.H. Tinyana 42; Shevet Halevi 5:202; Betzel Hachochmah 2:59; Nitei Gavriel 29:5] Until 10 years old. [Or Sameiach 4; Pesach Habayis 10 in name of Chazon Ish] Until 12 years old. [Panim Meiros 2:131; Ezer Mikodesh 22; Atzei Arazim 22:15; Porat Yosef 24; Ohalei Yeshurun in name of Rav Moshe Feinstein] Male child: Until 9 years old. [Bach 22; Piskei Dinim 192:17; Sidrei Taharah Y.D. 192:13; Ezer Mikodesh 22:3; Levushei Mordechai E.H. Tinyana 42; Dvar Halacha 4:3; Nitei Gavriel 29:7] Until 12 years old. [Mahram Merothenberg]

[197] Devar Halacha 4:1

[198] Michaber E.H. 24:1; Tur 24:1; Rosh 4:24; Rambam Issurei Biyah 22:2; Chachamim in Kiddushin 82a

[199] Implication of Michaber ibid; Beis Yosef E.H 24; Tur 24 “The nations are suspected on everything and hence one may not give them a child to be taught by them, even a male to a male”; Rambam Issurei Biyah 22:5; Avoda Zara 15b and 36b; Shabbos 17b; However, see Rama Y.D. 153:2 and Tur 153 that the reason is due to that the gentile will teach the child heresy. See Rashi Avoda Zara 15b who mentions both reasons; See Derisha E.H. 24:1, Vetzaruch Iyun!

[200] Tur 24 “Even with one’s father”; See Bach 24 who states the novelty here is that even though the person is a Jewish male and one’s father, nevertheless it is praiseworthy to distance oneself from Yichud. The Bach, however, concludes that he is unsure of the source of the Tur’s ruling; This ruling of the Tur is omitted in Michaber ibid

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that it is not necessary to distance oneself from Yichud with his father and the above statement in the Tur is a misprint. [Yad Ahron 1 24:1; Implication of Michaber ibid]

[201] Implication of Michaber ibid and Bach 24, as brought in Chelkas Mechokeik and Beis Shmuel 24:1

[202] Michaber ibid

[203] Bach E.H. 24, as brought in Chelkas Mechokeik and Beis Shmuel 24:1

[204] See Shulchan Aruch Even Haezer chapters 21-24

[205] See Rambam Issurei Biyah 22:5 [brought in A]

[206] Effects of child sexual abuse include shame and self-blame, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, self-esteem issues, sexual dysfunction, chronic pelvic pain, addiction, self-injury, suicidal ideation, borderline personality disorder, and propensity to re-victimization in adulthood. Child sexual abuse is a risk factor for attempting suicide. Much of the harm caused to victims becomes apparent years after the abuse happens. [See https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19733950 for scholarly articles on the subject] See Rambam Rotzeiach 1:11 that one who is coming to rape a male is a Rodef and may be killed

[207] See http://www.jewishcommunitywatch.org/education-center/ ; https://childmind.org/article/10-ways-to-teach-your-child-the-skills-to-prevent-sexual-abuse/ ; https://ourkidscenter.com/learn/how-to-educate-children-about-abuse/

[208] Michaber 22:11

[209] Michaber Y.D. 334:43 as the 21^st matter which leads to Niduiy; Rav Nidda 13a

[210] See Michaber E.H. 23:3; Kesubos 46a; Avoda Zara 20b; Based on verse in Devarim 23:10

[211] Michaber E.H. 23:3; Rambam Issurei Biyah 212:21; Avoda Zara 20b

[212] Michaber E.H. 23:6; Semak 292

[213] Rama E.H. 23:6; Niddah 13b

^[214] Kama 3:21-23; Basra 3:10; Michaber 3:14; Michaber Even Haezer 23:4; Rambam Issureiy Biyah 21:24

Discussion of these matters: See Igros Kodesh 8 p. 24 that although in previous generations these topics were avoided, in today’s generation it is a Mitzvah to publicize these matters.

[215] Kama 3:21; Basra 3:10

^[216] Kama 3:21; Lit. “Yizaher Meoad”

[217] This refers to the male reproductive organ.

[218] In Admur [Kama and Basra ibid] this is referred to as the crown and above. Practically it refers to the entire organ up until the crown.

^[219] Basra 3:10; Kama 3:22; In Kama ibid Admur writes that spilling of seed is like bringing a flood to the world, while in Basra it is implied that even the mere touching of the limb is like brining a flood being that through doing so one can come to spill seed.

^[220] Basra 3:10

[221] To note that in Basra ibid Admur states “zera levatala”. However in Kama ibid he writes “Shichvas zera levatala”. To note that according to Kabala the prohibition of “Zera Levatala” applies equally to women, and those that do so increase evil spirits and Kelipos. [See Shaar Hakavanos Inyan Drush Layla; Yifei Laleiv 239’ Kaf Hachaim 239:3] It is also forbidden according to Halacha based on the prohibition against entertaining forbidden thoughts. [See Igros Moshe Even Haezer 1:69]

[222] Basra 3:10; Kama 3:22; based on Gemara Niddah 13; M”A 3:15 and so rules: Elya Raba 3:12; Shach Yoreh Deah 182:6; Chayeh Adam 3:3

Other Opinions: Some Poskim [Kerem Shlomo Niddah ibid; Bechor Shur; Birkeiy Yosef 3:9] are stringent even by a thick cloth [due to it never being permitted by urinating and only by Teruma was it permitted] and so concludes Kaf Hachaim 3:39; Piskeiy Teshuvos 3:8. The M”B 3:29 records a stringent opinion that argues on the allowance due to us not knowing the measurement of a thick cloth.

[223] Kama ibid

[224] Basra ibid; Seder Hayom “Seder Halayla”

^[225] Kama 3:21, Basra 3:10; simple implication of Michaber 3:14 and so rules Nivei Shalom 3:16; Shev Yaakov 4; Kaf Hachaim 3:41

Other Opinions: The Olas Tamid questions whether a single man may touch the crown while urinating. The Pela Hayoetz [Machshava] concludes that due to the severity of the matter it is proper for every person to be stringent in this regard to not even hold on to the crown while urinating and rather he is to either lift his testis or use a thick cloth when urinating.

[226] In Admur [Kama and Basra ibid] this is referred to as the crown and below towards the ground. Practically it refers to the entire crown area. In anatomy this area is referred to as the glans.

^[227] Kama ibid

^[228] Kama ibid, and so is evident from Basra

^[229] Kama ibid; Perisha 3:13; Olas Tamid 3:14; Elya Raba 3:13; Kaf Hachaim 3:40

Other Opinions: The Kisei Eliyahu 3:6 rules one may not touch the crown area while the organ is erect.

^[230] Kama 3:23; Shev Yaakov 4 brought in P”M 3 A”A 1; Kaf Hachaim 3:44; Biur Halacha 3 “Lo Hutar” writes in name of Malbim that it is forbidden.

^[231] Basra 3:10; Kama 3:21; Michaber 3:15

Other Opinions: The Bechor Shur Niddah 4:13 rules it is forbidden to touch the testis even for urination purposes.

^[232] The Reason: As touching the testis does not stimulate a person [and hence will not lead to spilling of seed]. [Kama 3:21 omitted in Basra ibid]

[233] May one hold onto the testis during other times? It is strongly implied from the wording in Basra ibid that one may only touch the testis in order to avoid getting a lot of urine on oneself. However for other reasons it would be forbidden. So also rules Gr”a in Even Hazer 23:4; Peri Megadim 3 A”A 14; Tzitz Eliezer 19:4 and so concludes Piskeiy Teshuvos 3:8. However this is unclear from Michaber and Kama ibid.

[234] Michaber Even Haezer 23:4; Rambam

[235] Literally “Mabushav”

[236] Taz Y.D. 182:3; M”A 3:14 and P”M 3 A”A 14 based on Tosafus Niddah 13a, brought in Biur Halacha 3:16 “Lo Hutar”

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule it is forbidden to place one’s hand even by the pubic area. [Bach Y.D. 182, brought in Taz ibid, based on Tur, Rashi and Rabbeinu Tarfon in Gemara Niddah 13a that “Whoever places his hand below his naval should have his hand cut off”; See also Shach 182:6 who argues on the Bach in his explanation of Rashi but seems to agree in principal to his ruling; See however M”A and P”M ibid that explain Rebbe Tarfon to be referring to the actual Eiver; See Biur Halacha 3:16 “Lo Hutar” who gives room for this ruling of the Bach]

[237] Taz ibid

[238] Taz ibid; M”A ibid as explained in P”M ibid brought in Biur Halacha 3:16 “Lo Hutar”; Taz ibid that so is proven from the fact Rabbeinu Hakadosh was praised for being careful in this, thus proving it is not an actual prohibition but an act of piety and that so is implied from Michaber 182:3 and E.H. 23:4 and the wording of the Rambam; M”A ibid as explained in P”M ibid [brought in Rav Akiva Eiger 182] to be his own opinion that below the naval means the Eivar and above it is merely a Midas Chassidus that not even the other Tanaim were careful in, however the M”A negates the Taz ibid’s proof from Rabbeinu Hakadosh based on Tosafus who explains the novelty of Rabbeinu Hakadosh was the fact that he avoided doing so despite being married. Likewise, the M”A and P”M ibid negates the Taz’s explanation of the Michaber:Rambam and hold that according to the Michaber it is forbidden.]

[239] Bach Y.D. 182 based on Tur, Rashi and Rabbeinu Tarfon in Gemara that “Whoever places his hand below his naval should have his hand cut off”; See also Shach 182:6 who argues on the Bach in his explanation of Rashi but seems to agree in principal to his ruling; See however M”A and P”M ibid that explain Rebbe Tarfon to be reefing to the actual Eiver; The M”A ibid and P”M ibid conclude that the Michaber ruled like the Rambam that under the naval is forbidden from letter of the law for all people, as they learn Rebbe Tarfon literally. Thus, while the Taz ibid learns that even the Michaber agrees it is permitted, the M”A ibid learns him to rule ikt is forbidden; See Biur Halacha 3:16 “Lo Hutar” who gives room for this ruling of the Bach

[240] Beir Heiytiv Even Haezer 23:5

[241] Seder Hayom “Seder Halayla”

[242] K’neses Hagedola

[243] M”B 3:30

[244] Tzitz Eliezer 19:4

[245] See Tanya chapter 7 and Igeres Hateshuvah 4 and 8

[246] Tanya Chapter 7

[247] See Tanya Likkutei Biurim; Tanya Pirush Chassidus Mevueres Iyunim Chapter 7:132; Biurim Upinyanim p. 105 by Rav Moshe Link

[248] Tanya Igeres Hateshuvah 8; Reishis Chochmah Shaar Hakedusha Chapter 17

[249] Derech Mitzvosecha Mitzvah Peru Urevu in name of Zohar and Reishis Chochmah

[250] Tanya Chapter 7; Peri Eitz Chaim Shaar Kerias Shema Sheal Hamita chapter 4

[251] Rebbe Rayatz, brought in Pirush of Rav Shlomo Chaim Kessleman on Tanya ibid; and Biurim Upinyanim p. 105 by Rav Moshe Link

[252] Tanya Igeres Hateshuvah 9

[253] Letter of Rebbe

[254] Rashi and Rabbeinu Chananel brought in Tosafus Rosh on Nida 13a; Ramban Nida ibid “I do not agree with Tosafus, as although women are not commanded in having children, they are commanded against destroying the seed.”

[255] So is evident from Nida ibid that it is referring to stimulation, however regarding the exact definition of seed of a woman, this matter is unclear and the Mefarshim offer various explanations: [See also Brachos 60a, Nida 28a and 31a “When a woman gives seed first she conceives a male child”] 1) The female seed in this context refers to the moisture that she experiences in the area during intimacy. [Seforno Tazria] 2) The term seed used in the above context refers to the blood that gathers in the woman’s womb at the conclusion of stimulation. [Ramban on Tazria; Chazon Ish Y.D. 104:3]

[256] Mishneh and Gemara Nida 13a “Nashim Lav Bnei Hargasha Ninhu”; Tosafus Nida ibid and 2nd approach in Tosafus Rosh on Nida ibid that this means that they are not commanded against performing Zera Levatala as their seed remains inside their body even after it is stimulated and is hence never spilled; Shut Tzafnas Paneiach [Rogatchaver] 164

[257] See Shaar Hakavanos Inyan Drush Layla; Yifei Laleiv 239; Kaf Hachaim 239/3

[258] Igros Moshe Even Haezer 1:69; Shevet Halevi 5:197; See Ramban Nida ibid “As it brings to Hirhur”

The source and reason: As the verse states “Lo Sasuru Acharei Levavchem Viachrei Eiyneichem” from which we learn that it is forbidden to entertain thoughts promiscuity, and there is no differentiation between a man and woman in this command. [Shevet Halevi ibid; Igros Moshe Even Haezer 1:69; See Sefer Chassidim 614 “A woman should not hear the voice of a man as whatever a man is commanded in so too a woman”;]