Introduction – Restoring a Healthy and Balanced Honor of Parents to Our Children

Among the greatest mitzvos in the Torah is the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim, honoring one’s father and mother. The Torah places this command among the Aseres Hadibros, alongside the most foundational principles of Jewish life. Thus, the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim is one of the most important, and at the same time one of the trickiest, mitzvos for parents to educate their children in.

 

Con of Stringency – Weaponization and Abuse of Power:

On the one hand, the Mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim can become the most weaponized mitzvah against children. Parents may come to develop an unhealthy sense of entitlement that goes far beyond the actual mitzvah of honoring parents and beyond what is considered a normal and healthy parent-child relationship. The mitzvah can unfortunately be abused as a means of control, used to dismiss a child, silence him, invalidate his feelings, or shut him down whenever he expresses an opinion that differs from that of his parents. A child may be made to feel that every disagreement is labeled disrespect, every question is viewed as rebellion, and every independent thought is seen as a violation of Kibbud Av Va’eim. In such homes, “honor” becomes synonymous with unquestioning compliance. The child is no longer given room to express his thoughts, feelings, concerns, or struggles. The message conveyed is: “My way or the highway.” The parent is unwilling to sit down and hear the child out, consider another perspective, or engage in meaningful discussion. Instead, the conversation is prematurely terminated with statements such as, “You have to listen to me because of Kibbud Av Va’eim,” as though the mitzvah was designed to eliminate all dialogue and mutual understanding. This approach is not only contrary to healthy parenting, but also contrary to the Torah’s intent. The mitzvah was given to cultivate gratitude, respect, and proper family structure, not to suppress a child’s individuality or invalidate his experiences. A child may have legitimate concerns, emotions, questions, or perspectives that deserve to be heard. Invoking Kibbud Av Va’eim as a method of shutting down every discussion transforms a mitzvah of respect into a mechanism of domination.

Parents should recognize that being honored does not mean being infallible, and being respected does not mean never being questioned. A child can respectfully disagree, seek clarification, express concerns, and communicate his feelings without violating Kibbud Av Va’eim. Indeed, one of the hallmarks of a healthy Torah home is that children feel safe raising difficult subjects with their parents while still maintaining proper respect. When Kibbud Av Va’eim is weaponized, children often do not emerge with greater respect for their parents. Rather, they emerge feeling unheard, dismissed, controlled, and resentful. In many cases, this produces precisely the opposite of what the Torah intended. Instead of fostering gratitude and reverence, it creates emotional distance and resistance. Accordingly, parents must be exceedingly careful not to use this holy mitzvah as a means of winning arguments, silencing opposition, or demanding absolute control over the lives of their children. The Torah commanded children to honor their parents, not parents to use that commandment as leverage against their children. Indeed, for this reason we find ruled in Halacha that a parent is not to overburden his children with demands and to be overparticular with their respect towards him, in order so he does not cause them to stumble. Rather, he should forgive [his honor] and ignore their disrespect.^[1]

 

Con of Leniency – Undermining the very foundations of the family structure and raising spoiled and entitled children:

On the opposite end of the spectrum are those who adopt an overly lenient approach to Kibbud Av Va’eim. They frequently invoke the principle that “a parent who forgives his honor, his honor is forgiven,” and seek to apply this principle as a general approach to parenting. This too can be harmful. Taken to an extreme, it undermines the very foundation of Kibbud Av Va’eim, leading children to view their parents as mere equals, to disregard their opinions, to ignore their guidance, and to lose the sense that their parents are individuals worthy of admiration, respect, and deference. Parents are no longer viewed as figures of authority, wisdom, guidance, and experience, but simply as peers whose opinions carry little greater weight than anyone else’s. Over time, this can create a culture in which children feel comfortable interrupting parents, disregarding their advice, dismissing their life experience, and overriding their wishes without any sense of hesitation. The parent may become just another voice in the room rather than someone whom the child looks up to and respects. Indeed, unfortunately, over the past several generations, and especially within Western society, respect for parents has declined dramatically. Children are increasingly raised with a sense of entitlement. Many parents have adopted an extremely permissive approach to child-rearing, believing that every desire of the child must be fulfilled and that a child’s happiness should become the supreme objective of the home. This has produced a profound reversal of the proper family structure. In many homes, parents no longer guide the child. Instead, they find themselves constantly responding to the demands, preferences, and emotions of the child. The parents become, in a sense, servants to the wishes of their children. Decisions are often made not on the basis of what is correct, but on the basis of what will avoid upsetting the child. While a parent may forgive his personal honor, he cannot forgive the child’s obligation to develop the character traits that the mitzvah is designed to instill. Humility, gratitude, deference, respect for authority, and appreciation for those who have sacrificed on one’s behalf are all foundational values that are cultivated through Kibbud Av Va’eim. When every expression of parental honor is waived, these lessons can be lost.

 

The Balanced Approach:

Both extremes stands in stark contrast to the Torah ideal. The Torah does not advocate cruelty, harshness, or a lack of sensitivity. On the contrary, children must be raised with warmth, love, encouragement, and understanding. Yet at the same time, the Torah teaches that parents are to be the leaders of the home. They are the educators, guides, and authority figures entrusted with transmitting values and direction. In many traditional societies, particularly in various Eastern cultures, respect for parents remains an integral part of family life. Children understand that their parents deserve honor, gratitude, and deference. As a result, they often develop a stronger appreciation for what they receive and a deeper sense of responsibility toward others. When children grow up respecting their parents, they also learn humility. They recognize that they are not entitled to everything they want. They learn gratitude for the countless sacrifices their parents make on their behalf. They develop self-discipline, patience, and an appreciation for authority. These qualities prepare them not only for family life, but also for their relationship with Hashem. The home should therefore be structured in a manner that naturally cultivates respect. Parents should model respectful behavior, establish healthy boundaries, and teach children from a young age that honoring parents is not merely a social courtesy but a Divine command. Children should be encouraged to speak respectfully, listen when spoken to, help their parents, and appreciate the efforts made on their behalf.

 

The role of Parents in Chinuch for Kibbud Av Vaeim:

It is important to recognize that the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim does not develop on its own. Just as parents do not expect a child to learn how to keep Shabbos, put on tefillin, make brachos, or observe any other mitzvah without proper education and guidance, so too they may not assume that a child will naturally know how to honor and respect his parents. Parents bear the responsibility of actively teaching the laws, values, and attitudes of Kibbud Av Va’eim. Children should be taught from a young age how to speak respectfully, how to respond when addressed, how to appreciate what is done for them, and how to avoid behavior that is disrespectful or hurtful. Furthermore, when a child acts improperly towards a parent, it is the obligation of the parents to correct him and explain why his behavior is inappropriate. Just as a parent would not remain silent if a child neglected another mitzvah, neither should a parent ignore a failure in honoring one’s father or mother. Through consistent education, guidance, and correction when necessary, children learn that respect for parents is not merely a social courtesy but a Torah obligation and a fundamental pillar of Jewish life.

 

Final Word:

Kibbud Av Va’eim is much more than a mitzvah between parent and child. It is one of the foundations upon which Jewish society is built. A generation that honors its parents becomes a generation capable of honoring teachers, rabbanim, elders, Torah, and ultimately Hashem Himself. By restoring the importance of this mitzvah within our homes, we can help rebuild a culture of gratitude, respect, and responsibility, and merit the abundant blessings promised by the Torah to those who walk in its ways.

 

1. The Mitzvah of Chinuch in Kibud Av Vaeim:^[2]

A child was below the age of Bar/Bas Mitzvah is exempt from the Biblical mitzvah of honoring his parents just like he is exempt from all mitzvot of the Torah.^[3] However, some Poskim^[4] rule that although a child is not punished for not doing this mitzvah, just as he is not punished if he doesn’t fulfill other mitzvah’s, nonetheless, he is obligated to honor his parents, and the parents and teachers must educate him to do so, and so is the practical ruling and custom. [In this regard, the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim is no different than any other mitzvah in the Torah. As stated in chapter 1, a father is Rabbinically obligated to educate his child in all areas of Torah observance once the child reaches the age of chinuch and is capable of understanding the concept and significance of the mitzvah. Accordingly, once a child reaches an age at which he can comprehend matters of honor and respect, and understand that a parent deserves to be treated with dignity and reverence, the parents are obligated to educate him in the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim.]

 

Does one need to repent for his lack of Kibbud Av Vaeinm that he transgressed when he was a child?^[5]

A child [below Bar/Bas Mitzvah] who hit his father or committed other sins while still a child, although he does not need to repent when he grows older, nevertheless, it is proper for him to accept upon himself a certain matter for the sake of repentance and atonement, even though he had transgressed before he became of punishable age. [The purpose of this repentance is not for the sake of removing Divine retribution, being that he is not liable for any punishment. However, the forbidden act, despite not being punishable, leaves a damaging impact and spiritual stain on the soul of the child. It is for this reason that the child should do some act of repentance for the sake of cleansing his soul of any spiritual blemish.^[6]]

Is a person who hit his parent when he was a child below the age of Chinuch encouraged to perform a certain matter for the sake of repentance? Some Poskim^[7] rule that the above Teshuvah is only relevant for children who damaged when they were of age to remember what they did. If, however, they were of very young age, and they don’t remember the incident, they are not required to do Teshuvah at all. However, some Tzadikim did Teshuvah even for pain that they caused their parents prior to the age of Chinuch.^[8]

 

2. Parent Forgiveness of Honor and Chinuch

The rule is that a father who forgives his honor, his honor is forgiven.^[9] Furthermore, a parent is not to overburden his children with demands and to be overparticular with their respect towards him, in order so he does not cause them to stumble. Rather, he should forgive [his honor] and ignore their disrespect.^[10] [Although parents are obligated to educate their children in the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim, this does not mean that they must insist on every detail of respect that is due to them. Just as the Torah grants parents the right to their honor, it likewise grants them the ability to forgo that honor when they deem it appropriate. Accordingly, a parent may choose to waive certain expressions of respect or formality, and the child will not be held liable for failing to perform those acts when the parent has clearly forgiven his honor. Nevertheless, parents should recognize that the ability to forgive one’s honor does not remove the obligation of chinuch. On the contrary, children must still be educated that honoring and respecting their parents is a Torah obligation. The fact that a parent occasionally chooses to forgo a particular honor should be presented as an act of parental kindness and discretion, not as evidence that the obligation itself does not exist. When children understand both concepts, namely that honoring parents is obligatory and that parents may sometimes choose to waive specific expressions of that honor, they develop a healthy appreciation for authority, gratitude, and proper family relationships. Accordingly, parents should strike a proper balance. They should not demand every expression of honor or create an atmosphere in which respect becomes burdensome or oppressive. At the same time, they should not waive their honor so frequently that children lose sight of the mitzvah altogether. Rather, parents should educate their children regarding the importance of Kibbud Av Va’eim, while judiciously exercising their right to forgive certain matters of honor when doing so serves the child’s growth, preserves family harmony, or strengthens the relationship between parent and child. In this way, both the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim and the Torah ideal of a loving and respectful home are fulfilled.]

Mechila in matters of fear:^[11] Some Poskim^[12] rule that the ability for a parent to forgive his honor only applies to those matters that a child has to perform out of honor for his parent, however, those matters that a child has to perform due to the Mitzvah to fear his parent, cannot be forgiven by the parent. Other Poskim^[13], however, rule that even matters that a child is required to perform out of fear for his parent, may be forgiven by the parent. Thus, it is permitted for a parent to allow a child to sit in his designated place, or to voice an opinion which is contrary to his opinion. Practically, the main ruling is like this opinion.^[14]

Mechila of shame or pain or cursing or hitting:^[15] According to all opinions, a parent cannot forgive his shame or pain. Hence, a parent cannot give permission for a child to embarrass him.^[16] Likewise, a parent cannot give permission to his child to cause him physical pain.^[17] Certainly, he cannot forgive his honor to allow his child to hit him or curse him.^[18]

 

3. The Two Mitzvos: Honor and Fear

The Torah obligates every child in two distinct responsibilities towards his parents:

Honor (Kibbud): Honor primarily consists of positive acts of service and care. A child should be educated to assist parents, serve them, care for their needs, and treat them with dignity and appreciation.

Fear and Reverence (Mora): Fear does not refer to being frightened of one’s parents. Rather, it refers to treating them with proper reverence and avoiding disrespectful behavior. A child should learn that parents are not simply peers or friends, but occupy a unique position deserving of respect.

 

4. Teaching Children to Honor Their Parents^[19]

Children should be educated to:

• Speak respectfully to their parents.
• Respond politely when spoken to.
• Assist parents with their needs.
• Perform errands and tasks when requested.
• Show appreciation for what parents do for them.
• Stand up for parents’ honor when it is challenged.
• Visit, help, and remain connected with parents as they grow older.

The emphasis should not merely be on obedience, but on developing genuine gratitude and appreciation.

 

5. Teaching Children What Is Forbidden^[20]

Children should be educated never to:

• Speak disrespectfully to a parent.
• Mock, shame, insult, curse, or hit a parent.
• Deliberately cause emotional pain to a parent.
• Call parents by their first names in a disrespectful manner.
• Take their designated seat or place.
• Publicly contradict or challenge them.

 

Educating Children in Mora (Reverence)

Children should be taught:

• Not to treat parents as equals.
• Not to interrupt them unnecessarily.
• Not to contradict them bluntly.
• To speak respectfully even when disagreeing.

If a parent is mistaken, the child should learn how to respectfully raise the issue indirectly and gently rather than embarrass or correct the parent publicly.

 

6. The Importance of Attitude^[21]

One is to serve his parents with a positive and happy attitude [i.e., Sever Panim Yafos]. One who serves and honors their parents with a negative attitude [i.e., Panim Zoafos] is [not considered to have fulfilled the Mitzvah of honoring his parents at all^[22] and is] punished for doing so [as serving them in such a manner causes pain to the parent^[23]]. [Thus, the mitzvah is not fulfilled merely through actions. The spirit in which the action is done is equally important. A child who serves his parents begrudgingly has missed much of the purpose of the mitzvah. Accordingly, children should be educated to help their parents with a cheerful attitude and a sense of privilege rather than annoyance.]

 

7. Teaching Respectful Speech to parents:^[24]

If a parent^[25] hears their young child speaking disrespectfully, they must reprimand them. This applies equally to:

• A mother hearing her child speak improperly to his father
• A father hearing his child speak improperly to his mother

This requirement exists so that children become accustomed from a young age to showing respect toward their parents. Experience demonstrates that when children grow accustomed to disrespectful behavior toward their parents early on—even when it is expressed in a seemingly harmless or “cute” manner—such behavior can, unfortunately, persist into adulthood. Therefore, proper chinuch requires that parents educate and guide their children from an early age, instilling appropriate conduct and respect consistently, so that proper behavior becomes natural and ingrained. Likewise, this behavior itself is for the long-term benefit of the child, as through respecting his parents he will merit long life.

 

8. Standing in honor of a parent:^[26]
9. The obligation:^[27]

One is [Biblically^[28]] obligated to stand for his father [or mother^[29]].^[30] [The Rebbe was accustomed to stand for his mother whenever his mother would enter the room.^[31] However, children today are lenient not to stand for their parents, under the assumption that their parents forgive their honor, as explained next.]

 

1. Exceptions and special circumstances – Forgives his honor:^[32]

If a father [or mother] forgive their honor, their honor is forgiven, [and hence if the parent forgives this matter of respect of having his child stand in his honor, then one is not required to stand on their behalf^[33]]. [Seemingly, based on this children today are lenient not to stand for their parents, under the assumption that their parents forgive their honor.^[34] Nevertheless, it is best to receive explicit permission from one’s parent.^[35] Even then, it still remains a Mitzvah to stand for them twice a day, even though it is no longer an obligation.^[36] As stated above, the Rebbe was accustomed to stand for his mother whenever his mother would enter the room. Furthermore, some Poskim^[37] write that when the parent and the child are in the presence of other people, then the child is to stand for his parent even if his parent forgave the honor, in order so others do not learn to be lenient. Furthermore, some Poskim^[38] rule that even if the parent forgives his honor, the child must nonetheless show them some honor/Hiddur and slightly lift his body in their honor.]

 

9. Children Listen to Their Parents:^[39]

* Important note: The below laws focus only on the obligations that a child has towards his parents and as to which instructions he is required to listen to. However, as explained above, it is forbidden for a parent to overburden his children with demands and requests, which is defined as any matter that one assesses the child may choose not to adhere to due to its difficulty and the like, and a parent who makes such a request may transgress the prohibition of Lifnei Iver. Hence, although the below laws grant parents certain rights to request matters from their children, these rights are not to be abused and should only be exercised on a case-by-case basis after assessing the child’s willingness and ability to comply.

At the same time, another important clarification must be made. The limitations discussed below regarding when a child is or is not obligated to obey a parent relate specifically to the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim and the rights that a parent possesses by virtue of being a parent. They do not address the separate rights that a parent possesses as the owner and authority figure of his household. Thus, when children live in their parents’ home, parents have the right to establish household rules, expectations, schedules, standards of conduct, and other reasonable requirements for those residing under their roof, even when those rules do not directly fall under the laws of Kibbud Av Va’eim. Accordingly, a child cannot generally dismiss household rules by arguing that the parent receives no direct benefit from them. Rather, every home requires order, structure, and authority. Nonetheless, these household rights are likewise to be exercised with wisdom, fairness, and sensitivity, and not as a means of domination or excessive control. A successful Torah home balances parental authority with mutual respect, healthy communication, and genuine concern for the wellbeing of every member of the family.

 

 

 

1. Matters that relate to the father and mother and give them direct benefit:^[40]

According to all opinions, a son and daughter are obligated to obey the requests and instructions of their parents regarding matters that give the parent direct benefit.^[41] [Thus, if one’s father or mother asks their child to bring them a cup of water, the child is obligated to obey the request. Likewise, if the parent request from the son that he visit them or call, then he is obligated to do so.^[42] This obligation applies even if the requested matter is not befitting for the parent, such as an elderly woman who asks for expensive jewelry.^[43] Furthermore, even if one’s parent does not explicitly ask for a certain matter but the child knows that this is his parents’ wishes, then it is a Mitzvah to obey  their wishes.^[44]]

 

1. Matters that do not relate to the father or mother and do not give them direct benefit:^[45]

Some Poskim^[46] rule that one is only obligated to listen to his parents’ requests and instructions if the parent will receive some direct benefit from it. However, if the parent will not receive any direct benefit from his wishes being fulfilled, then the child is not obligated to listen to him even regarding mundane matters and certainly regarding matters of religion. Listening to one’s parents in such a case is not included in the command of honoring or fearing one’s parents. Likewise, it does not transgress causing pain to one’s parent, as it is the parent who is causing his own pain by making requests of the child that he is not obligated to follow.^[47] Other Poskim^[48], however, rule that it is forbidden^[49] for a child to disobey his parents instructions due to the obligation he has to fear his parent, and hence a child is required to listen and obey the wishes and instructions of his parent even if the parent receives no direct benefit and the matter relates solely to the child.^[50] This, however, only applies in the presence of the parent or if the parent will eventually become aware that one did not listen to his instructions [and only applies if the matter does not involve a monetary loss, or great discomfort, as explained next]. However, when not in the presence of the parent and in a way that the parents will not find out about it, the child may choose not to adhere to his parents instructions in a case of difficulty or pain, even according to the above stringent opinion.^[51] Certainly, from the letter of the law one is not obligated to listen to his parents instructions after their death.^[52] [However, if there is no difficulty or pain involved then according to the stringent opinion he is to listen to his parents even when not in their presence and even if they will never find out about it, and even after their death.^[53]] Likewise, it only applies to those matters in which there is a reason behind the request. However, if the parent instructs the child to do something simply in order to control the child, then according to all opinions one is not obligated to listen to his parents.^[54] Likewise, it only applies if the parent gives a clear instruction to the child. However, if it is a mere suggestion and recommendation then according to all opinions the child is not obligated to listen to his father.^[55] Certainly, if the parent made no mention of the matter then the child has no obligation to abide by the wishes of his parents even if he knows what their opinion really is.^[56] Practically, even according to the first opinion and even in those cases that one is exempt according to all opinions, a child who obeys his parent’s wishes even when not obligated, fulfills the command of honoring his parents and is doing a great Mitzvah in doing so.^[57]

 

1. Matters that involve monetary loss:^[58]

According to all opinions, one is not required to listen to the instructions of his parents if doing so will cause him a monetary loss, such as if his parents instructed him to use his money for a purpose which he does not wish to spend the money on. Even if one’s father or mother instructed the child to make a payment on their behalf, such as to make an order for them, or to donate money to an individual or to a cause in their honor, the child is not required to listen to these instructions. This, however, only applies to a loss of money or property that one already has, however, if the instruction will merely cause a loss of profit, then the matter is subject to the debate above. [Some Poskim^[59] rule that the above exemption of listening to one’s parents regarding matters that will cause him monetary loss only apply when the son is responsible for earning his own money. If, however, the son received his money from his parents, then the parents have the right to dictate to the son what the money should be used for, and he must listen to their instructions even if it will cause him a monetary loss. Thus, if a parent instructed a child in a will regarding what to do with the inheritance money that they received after the parents’ death, then the child must adhere to his parents’ instructions.^[60]]

 

1. Matters that involve great sacrifice and lifetime changes on the side of the child:^[61]

According to all opinions, one is not required to listen to the instructions of his parents if the matter will entail a great sacrifice on the side of the child [and will have long-lasting affects, such as regarding where to live and whom to marry and what job to take^[62]], then the child is not obligated to listen to the instructions of his parents.^[63]

 

1. Matters that involve the public honor of the parent or may bring them shame:

If a request is made by the parent from which the parents will derive an honor in the eyes of the public if it is listened to, then perhaps according to all opinions the child is obligated to adhere to their parents request.^[64] However, some Poskim^[65] are lenient even in such a case. However, if the matter that they’re requesting will bring the parents to shame if it is not adhered to, then according to all opinions one must adhere to their instructions and on this the Torah instructs us that one who shames his parents is cursed.^[66]

 

1. Matters that will shame the child:^[67]

According to all opinions, a child is not obligated to listen to the instructions of his parents if doing so will bring him public shame. [Thus, if one’s parent instructs his child to do something outside that will shame and embarrass him to the onlookers, then he is not obligated to listen to his parents.]

 

1. To decline in a respectful manner:^[68]

Even in those cases that a child is not obligated to obey the instructions of his parents, nevertheless, in light of the prohibition to contradict a statement of one’s parents, it is most certainly also forbidden for one to disobey their instructions in a rude manner, such as to rudely answer them back that he does not feel like doing it, or to completely ignore their instructions.

 

1. Examples of matters which are under the above debate of whether one is required to listen to his parents:^[69]

1. One’s parent instructed him not to drink coffee being that it’s damaging to self.
2. One’s parent instructed him not to smoke cigarettes.
3. One’s parent instructed him to put on a sweater or coat outside being that it is cold.
4. One’s parent instructed him not to guarantee a loan for another person.^[70]
5. One’s parent instructed him not to invest in a certain business. [However, if not entering the business will cause one to lose the money that he has, and not just a potential loss of profit, then according to all opinions he is not obligated to listen to his parents’ instructions.^[71]]
6. One’s parent instructed him not to enter into politics or to accept upon himself a public position. [This applies even if the position involves the performance of a Mitzvah such as to become a fundraiser for a charity or Torah institution.^[72] This, however, only applies if there are other people who can do as good of a job as he in the public position. If, however, he would be the best fit for the job, then according to all opinions he does not have to listen to his parents in this matter, being that it is as if they are asking him to abstain from doing a Mitzvah which cannot be done by others.^[73]]
7. One’s parent instructed him to dress a certain way or to avoid certain forms of dress. [However, if the forms of dress that the parents request are in order to give them honor and not cause them to be shamed in public by the way their child dresses, then even according to the lenient opinion above one should be stringent.^[74] This however is with exemption to matters of dress that relate to religious observance such as a beard, yarmulke, Tzitzis, white shirt, hat and jacket, and the like.^[75]]
8. One’s parent instructed him to attend a certain event in their honor. [If attending the event will give public honor to the parent, then perhaps according to all opinions the child is obligated to adhere to their parents request.^[76] However, some Poskim^[77] are lenient even in such a case.]
9. One’s parents instructed him to go to sleep earlier than his usual bedtime. [If, however, the parent request from the child to go to sleep earlier than most people go to sleep without any real reason, then according to all opinions he is not obligated to listen to his parents.^[78]]

Summary: One is only obligated to adhere to his parents’ requests and instructions in the following cases: 1.       The parent will receive direct benefit from the request being followed and the request does not contradict Torah law. 2.       The parent will not receive direct benefit from the request being followed but it will give them great shame if it is not adhered to. 3.       According to some opinions, one is always to adhere to the requests of his parents even if they do not receive direct benefit from it, if there is good reason behind the instruction, and the matter will not bring shame to the child, and it will not cause the child monetary loss or a great sacrifice with long-term effects. Other opinions hold that there is no obligation to adhere to his parents’ requests even in such a case if they do not receive direct benefit from the request being followed, and so is the ruling of Admur.   One is not obligated to adhere to his parents’ requests and instructions in the following cases: 1.       The request will bring great shame to the child. 2.       The request will cause the child monetary loss. 3.       The request will require a great sacrifice on the side of the child and have everlasting effects. According to some opinions there is no obligation to adhere to his parents’ requests if they do not receive direct benefit from the request being followed, and so is the ruling of Admur.   Q&A May one distance himself from his parents if they request from him things that are not befitting for them?[79] Yes.

 

*9. The Rebbe’s Advice on Parents limiting Demands of child

1. Do Not Force Children Into Parents’ Plans^[80]

Parents should be very careful not to pressure older children into major life decisions simply because the parents believe they know what is best. Excessive pressure can create resentment and damage the child’s inner peace and development.

 

1. Do Not Control Every Detail of a Child’s Life^[81]

It is neither healthy nor effective to monitor and direct a child in every detail of life, even when parents are convinced that they are correct. Children need room to develop responsibility and independence.

 

1. Strong Opposition Often Backfires^[82]

Harsh parental opposition often produces the opposite of the desired result. Children may view it as an attempt to impose authority upon them, leading to resistance and a stronger desire to assert their independence.

 

In the Rebbe’s Words:

“My opinion regarding your question is that adopting a forceful and vigorous opposition is apparently not the correct approach, even when opposition is necessary. In our times, strong parental opposition often produces the exact opposite reaction, even when dealing with good children. This is because children tend to interpret such opposition as an attempt by adults to impose their authority and force their views upon younger people who still require guidance. As a result, they perceive it as an infringement upon their sense of independence.”

 

Igros Kodesh, vol. 24, p. 84

 

10. Honoring other relatives:

Children should also be taught that special respect extends to:

• Grandparents.
• Older siblings.
• Step-parents in certain circumstances.

 

1. Honoring an Older Brother Or Sister^[83]

A child should be educated that the obligation of honoring one’s parents extends, in a certain respect, to honoring an older brother. Chazal derive from the mitzvah of Kibbud Av Va’eim that one must show honor to an older brother, as doing so is considered an expression of honor towards the parents as well. This obligation applies only to honor, and not to fear or reverence. Accordingly, one should treat an older brother with respect and dignity, but is not required to relate to him in the same manner that one relates to a parent. There is a dispute^[84] among the authorities whether this obligation applies only to the oldest brother in the family or to all older brothers. Practically, it is proper to show respect to all older siblings. Children should also be educated to show special respect toward their older sisters. While there is a dispute^[85] among the authorities as to whether there is a formal obligation to honor an older sister in the same way that one honors an older brother, all agree that an older sister deserves additional respect and deference beyond that shown to an ordinary sibling. Children should therefore be educated to speak respectfully to older siblings, avoid belittling them, and treat them with appropriate honor and courtesy. Unfortunately, this mitzvah is often overlooked, despite its being considered by many authorities an extension of the mitzvah of honoring one’s parents.

 

1. Honoring Grandparents^[86]

Children should be educated that honoring grandparents is an important extension of the mitzvah of honoring parents. Practically, one is obligated to honor both paternal and maternal grandparents, as well as grandmothers, although the obligation is not as extensive as one’s obligation towards his own parents. The honor due to grandparents includes many of the same forms of respect shown to parents. Accordingly, children should be taught to:

• Speak respectfully to their grandparents.
• Stand in their honor when appropriate.
• Assist and serve them when needed.
• Avoid calling them by their first names.
• Refrain from sitting in their designated places.
• Show them proper reverence and deference.

Many authorities extend this obligation beyond grandparents to great-grandparents and earlier generations as well, and it is proper to be stringent in this regard whenever possible.^[87] Children should therefore be educated from a young age to view grandparents not merely as beloved relatives, but as family elders deserving of special honor, respect, gratitude, and care.

 

1. Honoring an Uncle and Aunt

Children should be educated that showing respect to their uncles and aunts is an extension of the mitzvah of honoring their parents. Accordingly, one should treat his maternal and paternal uncles and aunts with special respect and consideration. There is discussion regarding the exact level of honor required. Some authorities compare it to the honor shown to parents, while others explain that the primary obligation is to show them special respect and deference beyond that shown to other relatives. Practically, children should be taught to:

• Speak respectfully to their uncles and aunts.
• Treat them with courtesy and consideration.
• Acknowledge and honor their presence.
• Avoid speaking to them in a casual or disrespectful manner.
• Address them respectfully, such as by using titles like “Uncle” or “Aunt” rather than simply using their first names.

Educating children to respect their uncles and aunts helps strengthen family relationships and reinforces the broader value of honoring those who are closely connected to one’s parents.

 

For Further Study

The subject of Kibbud Av Va’eim is vast and extends far beyond the basic concepts discussed in this chapter. It encompasses the detailed laws of honoring and revering one’s parents, practical applications in daily life, the obligations of children towards parents in various circumstances, the responsibilities of parents in educating their children in this mitzvah, and many contemporary questions that arise in modern family life.

For a comprehensive analysis of this important mitzvah, including its halachic foundations, practical applications, sources in Chazal and the Poskim, and extensive contemporary guidance, the reader is referred to our corresponding sefer, The Practical Laws of Kibbud Av Va’eim, where these topics are discussed in detail.

 

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[1] Michaber 240:19; Tur 240:19; Rambam Mamrim 6:8; Kiddushin 32a; Sefer Chassidim 565; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 429-430

[2] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 425

[3] Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 33; Minchas Soles 33:1

[4] Sut Bashamyim Rosh 326; Kisei Deharsana 73; See Maharsham 2:224-18

[5] Admur 343:11; Rama 343; Mahariy 62; Bach 343; Shvus Yaakov 1:177 brought in Pischeiy Teshuvah C.M. 349:2; Gilyon Mahrsha Y.D. 240:1; Based on story in Shabbos 56b; Baba Kama 98b, brought in Kaf Hachaim 343:32; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:1 footnote 25

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that a child is not required to repent at all for his wrongdoing even when he becomes older. [Beis Yaakov 3, brought in Shvus Yaakov ibid] Practically, we do not rule like his opinion. [Shvus Yaakov ibid; Kaf Hachaim ibid]

[6] Bach 343: The verse in Mishlei 19:2 states that “Even without knowledge, a soul is no good.” This teaches us that even a child that transgresses a sin without knowledge causes impurity to his soul, it is thus proper for him to do Teshuvah; See Terumos Hadeshen 2:62; Likkutei Sichos 14 p. 144 footnote 13; Sichos Kodesh Balak 5730; Shulchan Hamelech 343

[7] Sefer Chassidim ibid “However if he was very young when the action was committed and he does not remember, he does not need to pay”; Beis Yaakov 3; See Piskeiy Teshuvos 343:14; Lehoros Nasan 4:34; 6:102

[8] Maor Vashemesh Parshas Maaseiy and Divrei Chaim Parshas Ki Savo regarding Reb Meilech Milizensk that he repented for paining his mother prior to birth and when nursing

[9] Michaber 240:19; Tur 240:19; Rambam Mamrim 6:8; Rashba 1:18; Rav Chisda in Kiddushin 32a “Rav Yitzchak Bar Shila said in the name of Rav Masna who said in the name of Rav Chisda: A father who forgives us honor his honors.”; Sheilasos 101; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:51; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 426-430; All Poskim regarding son leaning by Seder table on the basis that one can assume that a father forgives his honor for the sake of his son. [See Admur 472:11; M”A 472:6; Levush 472:5; Chok Yaakov 472:9; Abudarham ibid; Kol Bo ibid; Peri Chadash ibid; Derech Hachaim 6; M”B 472:14]

[10] Michaber 240:19; Tur 240:19; Rambam Mamrim 6:8; Kiddushin 32a; Sefer Chassidim 565; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 429-430

[11] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 614 footnote 504-508

[12] Birkeiy Yosef 240:13 in name of Imrei Noam; Biur Harav Perlow on Rasag Mitzvas Asei 9; Az Nidbaru 11:31

[13] Sefer Hachinuch Mitzvah 212; Kneses Hagedola 244; Mishkanos Yaakov Parshas Korach based on Setimas Kol Haposkim; Conclusion of Birkeiy Yosef 240:13; Chayeh Adam 67:8 regarding calling another by father’s name; Teshuvah Meahavah 370; Turei Even Megillah 28; Aruch Hashulchan 240:9 regarding sitting in set place in Shul; Chazon Ish Y.D. 19:1; Sefer Limudei Hashem Limud 37 that so is proven from Shut Harashba 1:18; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 773

[14] Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid

[15] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 765-770

[16] Shut Harivash 220 in name of Raavad; Bedek Habayis of Beis Yosef 334; Turei Even Megillah 28a; Kesef Mishneh Talmud Torah 7:13; Shut Haranach Mayim Amukim 69; Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 212; Birkeiy Yosef 240:14

[17] Orchos Chaim Dinei Kibud Av 2; Moshav Zekeinim Vayikra 19:3; Shiyurei Bracha 240:9; Minchas Yitzchak 1:27; Shevet Halevi 2:112-4

[18] Sheilasos Sheilta Samech based on Sanhedrin 84b; Orchos Chaim Dinei Kibud Av 2; Sefer Chassidim 570; 573-574; Leket Yosher 2:37; Shiyurei Bracha 240:8 Pirush Daled

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule a father can forgive his son to allow him to hit him. [Minchas Chinuch 48:3]

[19] Michaber 240:4; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:13; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 376 footnotes 83-93

[20] Michaber 240:2-3; Kiddushin 31b “The following matters are included within the command to fear one’s parents: Not to stand in one’s parents designated area for standing. Not to sit in one’s parents designated area for sitting. One may not contradict their words. One may not arbitrate their words.”; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 562, 575 footnotes 147-166

[21] Michaber 240:4; Avimai Breih Derebbe Avahu in Kiddushin 31b “Avimi, the son of Rebbe Avuhu taught: It is possible for one to feed his father the best poultry meat [i.e. Petumos] and nonetheless be punished, and on the other hand it is possible for one to force one’s father to work in a flour mill and be rewarded with the world to come [if he does it with a good spirit and for good intents-Rashi].”; Yerushalmi Kiddushin 1:7; Rabeinu Yona end of Igeres Hateshuvah; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:17

[22] Rabbeinu Yerucham Nesiv 1:4; Meiri Kiddushin 31b; See Michaber 249:3 regarding charity that he is lost out of the mitzvah

[23] Likkutei Sichos 19:197 printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:173 footnote 4

[24] Kaf Hachaim 343:25

[25] According to the letter of the law, this obligation applies only to the father, and only once the child has reached the age of chinuch, as explained in Chapter 1. However, it is proper conduct for both parents—the father and the mother—to reprimand a child who engages in such behavior. This applies even when the child has not yet reached the age of chinuch, as part of appropriate parental guidance and moral education.

[26] See Michaber Y.D. 240:7; Rambam Mamarim 3:6; Kiddushin 31b “When Rav Yosef heard the steps of his mother, he replied that he needs to stand up for the divine presence which is arriving.” and 33b; Kibbud Moreh chapter 9; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:25-28; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 382-383; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 609 footnote 456-457

Sources from standing for a Rebbe: The detailed laws and scenarios of standing for an individual are recorded in chapter 244 in reference to standing for a Rebbe, and in general the Poskim rule that these laws likewise apply towards one’s parent, unless explicitly stated otherwise. [See Rambam Mamarim 6:3; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 206 and 231]

[27] Michaber Y.D. 240:7; Rambam Mamarim 3:6; Kiddushin 31b and 33b

Blind: The obligation to stand for a parent applies even if the parent is blind r”l. [Shaar Efraim 78; Hagahos Rav Akiva Eiger 240:7; Ben Ish Chaiy Parshas Ki Seitzei 2:15] Likewise, a blind child is obligated to stand for his parent. [Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:6; Nachalas Tzvi in length; Chadrei Deiah 240; Ben Ish Chaiy Parshas Ki Seitzei 2:15] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnotes 168-169

[28] Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 165

[29] Shut Ravi Avad 240; Sefer Chareidim Asei beginning of Chapter 6; Chayeh Adam 67:7; Birkeiy Yosef 282:1; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:7; Aruch Hashulchan 240:24; Gemara Kiddushin 30b; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:25; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 161

[30] The reason: This is included in the Mitzvah of honoring one’s parents. [Rambam Mamarim 3; Aruch Hashulchan 240:24] Alternatively, it is included in the Mitzvah of fearing one’s parents. [Pischeiy Teshuvah 244:3]

[31] Heard from Rabbi Leibel Groner; Rav Ashel Lemel Hakohen told me that he too was accustomed to stand for his father/mother when they would enter their home.

[32] Michaber 240:19; Kiddushin 32a; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:26

[33] Sefer Chassidim 339; See Shut Harivash 220; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 426

[34] Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:276; 5:274; Sheilas Rav 1:18 in name of Rav Chaim Kanievsky; Kibbud Umoreh 9:6

[35] Tosafus Kiddushin 32a; See Kibbud Umoreh 9:6

[36] Chut Shani 240:7; Teshuvos Vehanhagos ibid

[37] Sefer Chassidim 339

[38] Ritva Kiddushin 32a; Kitzur Piskeiy Harosh Kiddushin 1:53; Shut Haradbaz 8:165; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:26 and 51; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 763

[39] See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:64-66 and Miluim 10 p. 639; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 385-388; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 592-594

[40] All Poskim incoming footnotes; Menoras Hamaor Elenkava 4:18; Chareidim 16 Asei 5-1; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 385 footnotes 209-212

[41] The reason: Some Poskim rule that this is due to the obligation to honor one’s parent, as part of honoring them is to provide them with their requests of matters that give them direct benefit as well as that listening to their instructions gives them benefit. [Mizrachi Vayikra 19:3; Rishon Letziyon 240; Maharsha Kiddushin 34a; Implication of Chavos Yair 214 and Chaim Sheol 5; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68 due to both Kavod and Mora; Yad Eliyahu 1:40] Other Poskim, however rule that this is due to the obligation to fear one’s parent, from which we learn that there is a prohibition against contradicting their word. [Maharal in Gur Aryeh Kedoshim 19:3; Ralbag Vayikra 19:3; Kneses Yechezkal 35; Hamakneh Kiddushin 31b; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68 due to both Kavod and Mora; Emek Sheila C.M. 6; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:8; Minchas Elazar 2:63; Dibros Moshe Kiddushin 50 footnote 14]

The scriptural source: The verse in Mishleiy 23:22 states “Shema Leavicha Zeh Yiladetecha/listen to your father who has born you” and states [Mishleiy 1:9] “Shema Bini Mussar Avicha/listen my son to the chastising of your father.”

[42] Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid footnote 551

[43] Rameh Kiddushin 31b

[44] See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 594

[45] See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 386-387; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:64-66 and Miluim 10 p. 639

[46] Implication of Rama 240:25 that the son is not obligated to obey his father’s requests regarding who he should marry [as understands Gr”a; however, see Derisha 240; 3^rd reason in Maharik Shoresh 166 and 2^nd reason in Darkei Moshe 240:10 [that the reason for this is because the parent does not receive any direct benefit from this request, as only in relation to matters which give direct benefit to a parent may the parent instruct his child to perform]; Igros Admur Hazakein 81 [printed in Shut Admur Hazakein 75 with many enlightening Biurim, in which he defends the rights of the son to daven the Nussach of his choice despite his parents protests based on the ruling of the Maharik ibid and that so is implied from Kiddushin 31b and the Shulchan Aruch and Yerushalmi 1:7 that one is only obligated to serve the parent, and listen to the parent in matters relating to his service, and not to other matters, and that so is proven from Shita Mekubetzes Bava Metzia 32a, Chidushei Harashba, Ritva, Tosafus Shantz Kiddushin 31a, Tosafus Yevamos 6a]; Maharam Melublin 136; Rashba Yevamos 6a in name of Rabbeinu Chananel; Ramban Yevamos ibid; Ritva Yevamos 6a and Bava Metzia 32a; Michtam Ledavid Y.D. 33; Meshivas Nafesh 1:16; Tirosh Viyitzhar 72; Maharshag O.C. 52:7; Torah Lishma 280; Divrei Yatziv Y.D. 125; Betzel Hachochmah 2:55; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 218-229

[47] Meshivas Nafesh ibid

[48] Implication of Teurmos Hadeshen 40 [regarding that a son may choose his own Yeshiva due to the mitzvah of Torah study, and no mention is made that this is a matter not relevant to the parent]; Ritva ibid in name of Rashi; Levush 240; Ralbag Vayikra 19:3; Maharal in Gur Aryeh Kedoshim 19:3; Mishneh Lemelech Gezeila Veaveida 11:19; Pnei Yehoshua Kiddushin 32a; Minchas Chinuch Mitzvah 539:3; Kneses Yechezkal 35; Chavos Yair 214; Biur Hagr”a 240:36; Chaim Sheol 5; Shut Rav Akiva Eiger 1:68; Hamakneh Kiddushin 31b; Panim Yafos Vayikra 19; Yad Eliyahu 1:40; Emek Sheila C.M. 6; Agudas Eizov Y.D. 15:19; Riy Perlow on Rasag Asei 9; rugas Habosem O.C. 19; Maharsham 1:101; 2:224-13; Minchas Elazar 2:63; Imrei Yosher 2:165; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:8; Igros Moshe in Teshuvos of his brother 1:3; Koveitz Teshuvos 1:12 of Rav Elyashiv; Shevet Halevi 10:156; Kaneh Bosem 2:91; Chut Shani 240:2; Sefer Ateres Melech p. 91; See Tehila Ledavid Y.D. 95; Implication of all the following Poskim who explained the allowance for a son to marry a woman of his choice against his parents’ wishes is because this would be considered as if the father is telling his child to go against Torah, and not due to the reason of the Maharik brought above [See Levush 240; Derisha 240:4; Maharsham Y.D. 95; Avnei Tzedek Y.D. 99; Aruch Hashulchan 240:45]; Poskim in Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 230-246; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Morah Av Vaeim Vol. 42 p. 594 footnote 324-325

[49] Some Poskim rule that even according to this opinion this prohibition is only Rabbinical. [Agudas Eizov ibid; Amudei Arazim on Yireim; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote 242]

[50] The reason: As it is forbidden for a child to contradict the statements of his father or mother due to the obligation to fear one’s father and mother, and hence certainly he may not disobey their commands. [Ralbag ibid; Hamakneh ibid; Rav Akiva Eiger ibid; Kneses Yechezkal ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid footnote ] Alternatively, as a person receives more pleasure when his wishes are obeyed even more than being fed or given to drink, and hence it is included within the command of honoring one’s parents. [Rav Akiva Eiger ibid] Likewise, just as we are commanded to obey G-d’s command so too one is commanded to obey his parents’ commands. [Riy Perlow ibid] As for the opinion of the Rama and Maharik ibid who allow the child to marry a woman of his choice even against his parents’ wishes, there are three reasons recorded by the Maharik behind this ruling and it is only with the joint of all three reasons that he was lenient, and it is for this reason that the Rama did not record any reason behind the ruling. [Yad Eliyahu ibid; Sefer Ha?mkneh ibid; Arugas Habosem ibid; Chazon Ish ibid]

[51] Shut Rav Akiva Eiger Kama 68; Shevet Halevi 10:156; Sefer Yosher Hori 7:18 in name of Rav Elyashiv; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:65

[52] Shvus Yaakov 1:168

[53] Shut Rav Akiva Eiger Kama 68; Maharsham 2:224-15; Minchas Elazar 2:63; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:65

The reason: As the obligation to listen to his parents’ instructions is due to the obligation of fearing them, which is an offshoot of the prohibition against contradicting their word, of which some Poskim rule that one is required to be stringent even when not in front of them. Furthermore, even according to the main opinion [Taz 240:3] which permits one to contradict their word when not in their presence, listening to their instructions is of greater severity. [Rav Akiva Eiger ibid]

Other opinions: Some Poskim rule that this matter is purely dependent on the dispute regarding if one may contradict his parents when not in their presence and the main opinion is that it is permitted to do so. [Emek Sheila C.M. 6]

[54] See Agudas Eizov Y.D. 15:19; Chut Shani 240:2; Yosher Horai; Divrei Yoel 105:2; Shevet Halevi 10:156

[55] Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:8

[56] Kneses Hagedola 240:29 in name of Maharshach 1:136; Marachei Leiv 2 Derush 73; Shoel Vinishal 3:307

[57] Meshivas Nafesh 1:16; Birchas Shmuel Yevamos 3; Sefer Yismach Moshe Toldos; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 387 footnote 229

[58] Michaber 240:5; Admur C.M. Mechira Halacha 7 “Mitzvas Kibbud Av Eino Ela Bemamon Shel Av”; Kiddushin 32a, as instructed Rabanon to Rebbe Yirmiyah; Rambam Mamrim 6:3; Sheilasos Rav Achaiy Parshas Yisro Sheila’s 56; Tosafus Kiddushin ibid in name of Sheilasos ibid and Riy and Rabbeinu Chanel; Rif Kiddushin 13b; Rosh Kiddushin 1:50; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:18-23; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 406 footnote 480-482

[59] Maharsham 2:224-16; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:275; See Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid footnote 594

[60] Maharsham ibid

[61] Maharik Shoresh 166 in first reason; Sefer Darkei Hayam p. 146 that this applies according to all opinions; Agudas Eizov Y.D. 15:15; Chazon Ish Y.D. 149:8; Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:27; Koveitz Hayashar Vehatov 13:31 article of Rav Shpurn; See Beis Meir 239:8; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:66 footnote 562-563

[62] See Teshuvos Vehanhagos 3:27; Koveitz Hayashar Vehatov 13:31 article of Rav Shpurn; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:66 footnote 563

[63] The reason: As the obligation to listen to his parents instructions is only in a case that it will not cause the child a monetary loss, as stated above, and something that will cause the child great everlasting distress is no less of significance than monetary loss for which the child is exempt. [Poskim ibid; See Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 562 for how he resolves the seeming contradictions to this point]

[64] Maharsham 2:224-16; Betzel Hachochmah 2:55; Implication of wording of Maharik ibid and other Poskim ibid

[65] Maharam Melublin ibid

[66] Meishiv Davar 2:50; Arugas Habosem O.C. 19

[67] Torah Lishma 270 based on Mishneh Kesubos 71b

[68] Igros Kodesh Rayatz 13:505 “Honoring one’s parents is dependent to a certain degree also on the form of speech and therefore when speaking with one’s parents it must be in a very gentle manner and with true Derech Eretz, even if one’s final response to them must be an emphatic no [for a request they make which one is not obligated to listen to]”; Igros Kodesh 13:205;  Chut Shani 240:4; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid

[69] Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:64

[70] See Shelah Shaar Haosiyos Derech Vatranus 10 that he testifies of himself that he was instructed by his father not to guarantee a loan for any of the person, and that he must listen to these instructions

[71] Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid footnote 549

[72] Chaim Sheol 5; Mishkanos Haroim Mareches Gimel 11

[73] Shoel Vnishal 4 Y.D. 69; Kinyan Torah 5:100; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid footnote 595

[74] Maharsham 2:224-16; Meishiv Davar 2:50; Arugas Habosem O.C. 19; Betzel Hachochmah 2:55.

[75] See Igros Admur Hazakein 81; Agudas Eizov Y.D. 15; Meshivas Nafesh Y.D. 16; Pesakim Uteshuvos ibid and 240:64

[76] Maharsham 2:224-16; Betzel Hachochmah 2:55; Implication of wording of Maharik ibid and other Poskim ibid

[77] Maharam Melublin ibid

[78] Divrei Yoel 105:2

[79] Rameh Kiddushin 31b; Yam Shel Shlomo Kiddushin ibid; Chacham Tzvi Tosafus Chadashim 20

[80] Moreh L’Dor Navuch, p. 259; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 165

[81] Igros Kodesh, vol. 28, p. 82; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 165

[82] Igros Kodesh, vol. 24, p. 84; Shaareiy Chinuch p. 165

[83] Michaber 240:22 “A person is obligated in the honor of his older brother, whether he is a paternal older brother or a maternal older brother”; Tur 240; Rambam Mamrim 6:15 “One is obligated in the honor of his older brother as he is in the honor of his father”; Kesubos 83a [103a]; Kallah Rabasi  3; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:57-58; See Toras Menachem Reshimos Hayoman p. 286, printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:175; Mamar Ki Seitzei 13^th Elul 5714, printed in Toras Menachem Mamarim Melukat Daled p. 236; See Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 467-470

[84] No: See Pesikta Rabasi Shemos 20:12 “Lerabos Achicha Habechor“; Implication of Zohar 3:83a “Bera Buchra Chayavin…” [See, however, Nitzutzei Orors on Zohar ibid; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240 footnote 478]; Halachos Ketanos 1:123; Shvus Yaakov 3:76; Beis Lechem Yehuda 240:12 [in name of Arizal, an evident error, as notes Birkeiy Yosef 240:17!]; Beir Heiytiv 240:17; Gilyon Maharsha 240:11; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:19; Opinion brought in Reshimos ibid Chut Shani 240:24 that even according to some of the Poskim below who argue, the intent is simply that it is proper due to Derech Eretz to honor all one’s older brothers, although the actual obligation only applies towards the oldest brother; See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 469 footnotes 1289-1293

Yes: Sefer Chassidim 345; Binyamin Zeev 253; Menoras Hamaor Alankevah 4:24; Implication of Ramban on Sefer Hamitzvos beginning of Shoresh 2; Shut Rav Yedidyah Tiyah Viyal 59 that this matter is a dispute amongst the Rishonim and that one should practically follow the opinion of the Arizal that the obligation applies to all one’s older brothers; Chikrei Lev Y.D. 2:7; Birkeiy Yosef 240:17 and Shiyurei Bracha 13; Derech Pikudecha 33; Teshuvah Meahavah end of 370; Chasam Sofer 6:29; ; Yad Shaul 240:15 in name of Chacham Tzvi in manuscript who wrote a dissent on the Shvus Yaakov; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:28; 2^nd opinion in Reshimos ibid; Shevet Halevi 2:111-16;  See Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 469 footnotes 1294-1296

[85] See Beis Lechem Yehuda 240:12; Shvus Yaakov 1:76; Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:19; Maharam Shick Mitzvah 33; Birkeiy Yosef 240:17; Chikrei Lev Y.D. 2:7; Derech Pikudecha 33; Yad Shaul 240:15 in name of Chacham Tzvi in manuscript who wrote a dissent on the Shvus Yaakov; Ben Ish Chaiy Shoftim 2:28; Torah Temima Yisro 86; Cheshbono Shel Mitzvah of Adart 33; Arizal in Shaar Hamitzvos Parshas Yisro, brought in Birkeiy Yosef 240:17 and Shut Rav Yedidyah ibid; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 469 footnotes 1293 and 1296

[86] Rama 240:24; See Pischeiy Teshuvah 240:21; Sotah 49a; Makos 12a; Sheiris Yosef 19; Imrei Sefer Parshas Toldos; Teshuvah Meahavah 1:178; Shtei Halechem 43; See Yad Avraham 240; Gilyon Maharsha 240:15; Pesakim Uteshuvos 240:61-62; Encyclopedia Talmudit Erech Kibud Av Vaeim Vol. 26 p. 470-475

[87] See Igros Kodesh 2:38, printed in Shulchan Menachem 4:176 and Likkutei Sichos 20:644; Encyclopedia Talmudit ibid p. 475 footnotes 1375